-----Original Message-----
From: MaryAnne *******
Sent: Wednesday, March 01, 2005 9:00 AM
To: Ze Frank
Subject: My boyfriend just left me...please help!
The Brighter Sides of Breaking Up By Ze
Dieting is easier when you don’t have an appetite.
Even though you’ve become massively in debt from gifts you bought your ex, at least your newfound addiction to cigarettes has left you with bad breath.
Since on average you fall in love every 9 years, you’ll only be 40 when it happens again.
You get to do a huge spring-cleaning regardless of the season since half your stuff is now in the “memorabilia” category.
You get to experience what its like to be a depressed, tormented artist… just without the motivation or talent.
Crying at movies no longer makes you feel stupid, since it’s the only place where its okay to do it in public.
You can appreciate the nuanced subtlety in the lyrics to Richard Marx’s “I’ll be waiting right here for you”.
You finally get to learn how to delete a number in your cell phone address book.
The fact that your cell phone now has 148 empty slots, gives you a new urgency in reconnecting with lost friends.
You get to experience a deep warm connection when the guy at Starbucks says "Have a nice day!" and smiles.
You can do empirical studies on whether alcohol is actually a depressant.
You find yourself answering the question “How are you today?” honestly and at great length.
You get to finally reconnect with your pet.
You begin to wonder whether pets think in sentences and whether the words” i love you “ ever crossed their minds.
You get to look forward to dates where you catch someone else up on how many siblings you have as well as all the other mundane facts of your life.
You get to hone your marketing skills by attempting to sell “beauty on the inside” in noisy bars.
You can try to convince your parents that they owe you money considering how much they saved since you aren’t going to have a wedding.
Boggle is easier to win when you play by yourself.
You can remember old times by revisiting the single-serving coffee maker your mom bought you during college.
You get to rely on that killer instinct you used to have when choosing an outfit for a night out.

Watching your friends children have temper tantrums no longer has the same ominous implications and returns to just being plain funny.


P.S. Don't worry...it'll all be okay...I promise.