500 Random Spells for the Dying Earth

[ambo]

This page amused me:
http://www.ruf.rice.edu/~pound/dyingearth.html

I thought it might be fun if we picked one of these spells (or made up our own) and explained the effect.

I'll start.

Vradco's trim thunderclap:
Upon casting, this spell produces a clap of thunder exactly one second long. Just enough to scare the bejeebers out of that annoying neighbor yelling at his dog or the person at your door trying to sell you pest control after ringing the bell directly under the "No Soliciting" sign.

[Frieda]

Martz's improper hole

Causes a severe case of acute diarrhea upon casting.

Safety note: make sure to include the target's name with the spell or the caster will become target.

[Marcus Bales]

Trixie's Basenjitic Invocation -- imposes laryngitis on another spell-caster.

[trisherina]

The agency of genial sage

Successful casting on a cooked meal gives the illusion of tastiness even where no spices are available.

[ambo]

Gaualip's offensive spud

One potato in the victim's house will rot from the inside out. No outward evidence will be detectable, rather the affected spud will burst once touched, leaving a foul smell in the room for days.

[Marcus Bales]

Acme Chest of 401K

Cannot be opened until after age 65, but then it matches whatever money there is within 10 feet of it.

[trisherina]

The pattern of provisional lull

Delivers change management to the profoundly resistive. Endurance of only one turn.

[ambo]

Krentseba's wide graduate
Adds 10 pounds of fat to victim's weight for each year of college completed.

[Marcus Bales]

Acme Favorite Finger

A successful cast of this spell spikes the victim's blood pressure, promotes irrational rage, and often results in escalation of the encounter from name-calling and gesturing to physical confrontation.

[trisherina]

The charm of redundant suspense

Cast on spouse, creates a sleep-wake cycle that will guarantee repeated playback of portions of that movie you're watching together.

[Marcus Bales]

Acme Stone of Harm

Cast accurately, and with some force, at the opposing mage's head, this stone is large enough to distract even the most powerful wizard from the spell he is trying to cast.

[daverbee]

Kylasmat's agreeable failure

Not really a good spell, but better than nothing, Kylasmat's agreeable failure causes your good-for-nothing brother-in-law to rise up from his permanent place on your couch and get his own beer for a change.

[Frieda]

The pattern of provisional lull

Delivers change management to the profoundly resistive. Endurance of only one turn.
does this one come in a problem management version too?

[Marcus Bales]

Acme Charm of Plain Speaking

Wear this around your neck and it automatically translates what people say into what they mean. Some examples:

I love a challenge. This job sucks.


Really? You've got to be shtting me!


I don't think you understand. Shove it up your arse.


Perhaps you should check with... Tell someone who gives a sht.


So you weren't happy with it? Kiss my arse.


I'm not sure this can be implemented. This sht won't work.


He's not familiar with the issues. He's got his head up his arse.


Excuse me, sir? Eat sht and die.


I think you could use more training. You don't know what the fvck you're doing.


He's somewhat insensitive. He's a fvcking prck.


That's interesting. What the fvck?


Perhaps I can work late. And when the fvck do you expect me to do this?


I'm certain that isn't feasible. No fvcking way.


I wasn't involved in the project. It's not my fvcking problem.


I'll try to schedule that. Why the fvck didn't you tell me sooner?


Oh, I see. Blow me.

[trisherina]

does this one come in a problem management version too?

For you? Anything! :D

[daverbee]

Oberi's harmonious rate

Cast upon a used car salesman, this spell will force him to tell you the exact worth of the car you're looking at as well as any mechanical problems it may have.

[ambo]

Juance's smart gemstone
Most often cast on oneself, this spell turns an ordinary jewel of any variety into one that automatically morphs into the exact cut and color that compliments whatever outfit one is wearing.

[daverbee]

Topsiarda's protestant spring

Often used by apprentice sorceror's and witches for amusement on a Sunday morning. Cast in a church of Protestant faith, it causes the entire congregation to leap from their chairs all at once.
If cast at the same time as another is casting Anikuenta's smooth farce, an impromptu game of basketball breaks out in which nobody is sure who's on who's side and the congregation hallucinates the ball and the nets.

[Marcus Bales]

Acme Untimely Reversal

This spell produces the illusion, within a 25 foot radius, that fighters, mages, clerics, and thieves are students and workers in a post-industrial society instead of their medieval selves.

[ambo]

Erriko's smaller evil

A most useful spell for our day and age, it immediately diminishes even the most horrific act to something merely annoying.

It is rather unpredictable at times, however. Consider the case of Mrs. Emily Horowitz, who after casting the spell on a 6'5" mugger, had to be treated for wounds inflicted on her kneecaps by the 2'3" midget she created.

[daverbee]

^^^
:D

[Marcus Bales]

Mrs Nolan's Cantrip of Distraction

Causes urgent sexual arousal; male, female, it's all the same and very immediate.

Senator Dinzdale didn't know, and didn't care, that he was the victim of Mrs Nolan's Cantrip of Distraction -- all he knew was ... well, perhaps it's better to pass over what he knew at precisely that moment; suffice it to say that if the police hadn't arrived, and with them Sgt Melissa Travers, Mrs Nolan might have succeeded in her plot.

[daverbee]

Um-Orian's latter price

Developed by an anti-Wal Mart movement of wizards and witches, Um-Orian's latter price, when chanted by a coven of more than 10,000 individuals, causes Wal Mart and all related stores to lower their prices to pre-1950's prices for similar products, thus causing them all to go bankrupt at once.
It has been noticed that most of the wizards and witches involved in this movement are former hardware and retail store owners from small towns. Although all were raised in the Christian church, their leader, Fred Orian of Waynesville, NC has been quoted as stating, "Ummm, desperate times call for, ummm, desperate measures."

[Hyakujo's Fox]

Mikobab's aqueous retort

Enables one to deliver a fine spray of the beverage of one's choice over one's adversary upon the hearing of some surprising information, even when one has not recently taken a mouthful of said beverage.

[trisherina]

The charm of worn woman

Slipped under the pillow of a two-bit Lothario, this charm will render him instantly resistible to all, no matter how lonely, desperate, or recently monied.

[daverbee]

Causing your family to clean up after themselves for once, The charm of ardent maid has become popular amongst housewives who dabble in sorcery on the side.
Care must be taken that this spell is only used occasionally. Reports have surfaced of zombie like figures wandering neighborhoods looking for dirty clothes to pick up off the floor, rooms to clean, and garbage to take out.