Classified Ads

[dinzdale]

I was just browsing the Ze-monkey Mercury, and found these in the want-ad section:

WANTED:
New or used skis, suitable for
beginner. Must be virtually
unbreakable due to habit of
running into things.
Matching roll-neck sweater a plus.
Apply: RT - Box 321

FOR SALE:
Wedding dress, used once
Open back for exposing butt
to everyone on the beach.
Replies to: ZB Box-123

PERSONAL:
Caring, honest, clean-living
Englishman seeks quiet, demure
female for walks on the beach
sunsets, peaceful contemplation.
Must have big tits.
Apply: DZ Box-789


Any more I've missed

[dickieC]

Clean-limbed clean-shaven Englishman seeks sane Englishwoman or Irishwoman as girlfriend. Previous holders of the post need not apply as fvckwittage is an automatic disqualification.

[Frieda]

FOR SALE: POS wagon. slightly damaged.

[dinzdale]

GET YOUR DEGREE:
Just send money order for $19.95 and
call yourself a Doctor or Professor.
Do it today, with Dr DC Cheaplearning
Apply: DC Oxbridge.

[Frieda]

PENIS ENLARGEMENT
Water Dick. Just drink water,
and your penis will grow.
APPLY: NoxxDonkey

[dickieC]

FOR SALE
Motorised Strawberry. 5 gears. Excellent in Dutch traffic. Apply Holland.

[Frieda]

5 gears?? 4! :D hahaha

[Red Princess]

For Sale: excess computer equipment, hard drives,CPU's, cables, RAM chips, network cards, much much more, all must go, need to get a real life

[Deviate]

MOVING SALE!
Everything Must Go!
Morals, Decorum, Taste,
Banality:
All going For Best Offer
or willing to trade for
Debauchery, Bacchanalia ,
Depravity or Turpitude.
Send inquiries to new address:
newmember@zefrank.com

[dinzdale]

"Tupitude"

...anything to do with tupping ?

JOJ

[Deviate]

it's tuRpitude, dinz, with an R.

learn to spell, why don't ya?

-st.

[Red Princess]

PERSONAL:
Caring, honest, clean-living
Englishman seeks quiet, demure
female for walks on the beach
sunsets, peaceful contemplation.
Must have big tits.
Apply: DZ Box-789

i thought he was talking about Dickie C until i got to the big tits part

[dinzdale]

FOUND:
Itty bitty kitten
Used to answer to the name "Annie"
Now should be called "Frisbee"
Apply: BB - Box BRouge

[Red Princess]

For Rent: large pudding pit, slightly used, Great for Parties, you move

[Deviate]

For Rent: Pudding, slightly used, Great for Parties, you move. bring nose plugs.

[Red Princess]

For Sale: pudding strainer, $25. OBO

[dinzdale]

FOR SALE:
Slightly used typwriter, one owner,
letters "e" and "h" worn more than others
so now no good for Canadian editor eh?
Apply: Peg - NYC Box

[Red Princess]

tell me grandfather , what's a typewriter?

[dinzdale]

..the thing you tested on when you went to secretarial college.

[Red Princess]

ha ha ha ha ha ha they didn't have any of those! i graduated from a real university and all we had was computers, lots and lots of computers

[Deviate]

FOR SALE:
Red Wagon
excellent condition
no previous owners
absolutely squeek free!
a joy to have around!
comes with pair of handcuffs
(no key, sorry)
FREE to first interested party!
Reply to:
welcome committee
aka poor sap

[dinzdale]

Well "I" should be capitalised, and its "all we had *were* computers"....
...and you went to a big college and all....

.......I'll take your word for it.




2 sugars in mine please Miss Arpee...

[Red Princess]

) and capitol letters annoy me so i don't use them, as for the rest, well i should probably be punished for that

[Red Princess]

For Sale: diploma from a major midwestern university, apparently worthless, Best offer

[zenbabe]

FOR SALE:

Large Supply of Man Crap: (inclucing by not limited to)

one large mirror that proudly displays the Budwieser logo
several empty beer bottles from around the world
fishing rod that doesnt work
2 unlabled porn tapes
several star wars action figures with missing pieces
overstuffed chair that doesnt match anything I own and has a name
Two very bad paintings that were given to him by a great aunt
jet ski that has never worked but one day might with the words "give me some water" written into the dust that has accumulated over the years
1980's tape collection
dogs playing poker framed picture

Please send all inquiries to ZB-box 306

[rmr]

I like the term "mancrap"

[Red Princess]

me too, we are hip deep in it too

[rmr]

hehehe!
I like that

[Red Princess]

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha , i'll keep the cat. easier to get along with

[Frieda]

that's an easy choice! he goes! :D

[Red Princess]

and we wonder why they don't want to come drink beer with us. duh

[Red Princess]

Nachos or pizza with that?

[Zyle]

pizza pizza! on second thoughts... garlic bread with cheese :p
yum.... *orders some*

[Red Princess]

Tell the caterers that we need more ice for the martini pitcher and how about some chips and dips?

[Frieda]

here's chips. i'll make my Totally Garlic (R) dip!

now, where's that garlic press? can someone hand me the tabasco & yogurt?

[Red Princess]

Here you go, won't we all smell lovely? Garlic=food of the gods

[rmr]

I know, I love the smell of garlic and have no problem with onions......love the smell of both.

[rmr]

HOT SWIMSUIT MODEL SEEKING WORKREPLY HERE (http://home.attbi.com/~r.rankin/RIMMER)

[Frieda]

garlic dip is done-- is it too much?

and don't we all love the smell of garlic in the morning. :D heeheehee

[Red Princess]

you can never have too much garlic,or beer, or.....*thinking of a euphemism* computer equipment, yeah, that's it

[noxxville]

Have stomach problems? Feel like you've polluted your body with too many cheeseburgers and deep-dish pizzas? Have that "not so clean" feeling inside? Try our new digestive tract cleaner! One dose and you'll be right as rain (and squeky clean too!)*

http://www.noxxville.com/jackass3.jpg

* also works on windows, chrome and countertops

[RuneT]

can someone explain what happened here? Is that detergent he is drinking? jackass!

[Red Princess]

he is drinking window cleaner, although i don't know why when we have all this beer

[rmr]

I think it's funny and he must be all squeaky clean.

[RuneT]

ok! love it.

[Red Princess]

Personal: looking for Mr. Right, caring, sensitive, able to have a conversation comprised of polysyllabic words, not afraid of toys...

[bealeblues]

wanted:

glass cutter to cut away portion of glass on 18th story bldg in downtown baton rouge; for use during the 4th-5th hour of exasperating plaintiff's deposition; will tether glass cutter to body for recovery by seller after i've jumped to my death... serious inquiries only...

(that should flood my inbox)

[Red Princess]

For Sale: Cheap! one very large hammer suitable for smashing in the heads of plaintifs if they get to be a big PIA. Special this week for Baton Rouge area only

[noxxville]

keep the hammer!!

[Red Princess]

Beale needs it worse than i do right now

[zenbabe]

http://zenmedia.org/Pics/random%20stuff/c7.gif

[noxxville]

YAY! that is too great

[lapietra]

heh!
Noxx - I said exactly what you wrote. Hah.
Nice tutu, by the way. Do you have to dryclean that?

[Red Princess]

Wanted to buy: time travel device so i can skip the rest of today and get on with the weekend

[noxxville]

I also love that he added the US district Attorney to his list of references.

[zenbabe]

ass?

[Deviate]

omg i don't even remember typing this!

i was just getting ready to reply thanking whoever thought to bump this thread 'cause i missed it so terribly.

and now i've gone and made an ass out of myself...

[Deviate]

LOST (Reward):
Memory lost on February 24th.
In horrible condition, but has
extreme sentimental value.
Please return unscathed
and unused.

[zenbabe]

Will pay top dollar (or current fix) for two tweakers to come over and pack all my shyte and clean in record time. I will even make you a sammich if your system can take it.

[dominic_mason]

Christ's Foreskin

He was jewish right and therefore circumcised right so like buy this relic so I can retire to my mate's place in Perth Australia.

Only religious freaks with dumbass amounts of $$$ need apply!

C/o Christ's Holy Cheese Hood
P.O. Box MGBSON
Salt Lake City
Salt Land
Saltsginia
SALTUSA

the cheese hood of a son of god, or some sand blasting protective headgear - you decide (http://www.eastwoodco.com/images/p12989.jpg)

[ambo]

HOT HOT HOT !
Siegfried & Roy - Mastering the Impossible
Only $450
Bought it one month ago for $185
(Sold for $35 when published in 1992)