Inappropriate Dinner Conversations

[Veruki]

Last week I stepped in dog poo on the way to your house. Instead of telling you, I went to your closet and swapped my shoes for another pair. Be a dear and pass me the salt.

[brightpearl]

There's a dead mouse in the centerpiece.

[trisherina]

This pork is a little pink in the centre... mmm... trichinosis medallions!

[Angry Kid Hoyt]

Hey, is this a cyst or a boil?

[Marcus Bales]

When we went to wash our hands before dinner, I took the opportunity to lick your daughter's nipples.

[T.I.P.]

That painting sure is ugly.

[T.I.P.]

I ate worse food than this once in Colombo, back in '72, during the embargo. I got so hungry that i had to settle on coconut flavored rat scooped straight out of the kettle into my cupped hands, in a dark alley behind the airport.

[T.I.P.]

Martina ! Leave Alberto and come live with me in Ontario...he is a loser, and we are made l'un for l'autre.

[trisherina]

Pardon me. Oh dear. Pardon me!

[l'azizza]

I hate you. I have the active tuberculosis. While you were setting the table, I coughed numerous times into the cucumber soup you have served.

[Hyakujo's Fox]

I tell you what. That Jimmy Carter is right up there with A-dolf Hitler.

[brightpearl]

(This thread makes me feel like I'm at a family reunion.)

Yup, it's pretty hard to sex a chick. You hafta hold em just in the right spot, turn em over, and then sqeeze just a little bit, look for that little rooster bump in the cloaca.

Boss says I have a 90% accuracy rate. It's an art more than a science, really.

[T.I.P.]

I'm so glad you manage to put up with him ! It's really been hard for him to hold down a girlfriend for more than a month at a time....you know, what with the extreme halitosis and 130dB snoring problem. It usually wears them down in no time.

[Coffee]

I'd like to thank all of you for my numerous psychosis, I couldn't have aquired them without you...you farkers.

[Frieda]

still got the clap?

[Marcus Bales]

Speakin' of sexin' chicks, what are you doing after dinner?

[Coffee]

On a positive note, during recessions like this we learn how delicious our pets are.

[brightpearl]

I can sing all of Celine Dion's songs by heart.

[T.I.P.]

and what about your husband...is he still in jail ?

[Marcus Bales]

On a positive note, during recessions like this we learn how delicious our pets are.

You're eating one, right now.

[Coffee]

Now finish up what's on your plate...you always said you loved Fifi the best.

[l'azizza]

Describing it isn't doing any good. Here, smell my finger.

[Marcus Bales]

She came in from the blizzard, took her coat off, and my god! you could see her nipples were like Bing cherries through her shirt.

[funkytuba]

So, has your son grown out of that lisp yet?

[Hyakujo's Fox]

wow the likeness to your last girlfriend is simply un canny!

[Coffee]

Mom and Dad...how is your sex life?

[brightpearl]

Well, my coconut allergy has developed a new facet...in addition to the wailing and hives, now my left nostril also secretes copious amounts of green mucus.

I just love it so much though.

These macaroons are delicious. Perhaps we should lay a tarp on the floor.

[Marcus Bales]

I answered one of those internet ads, and they sent me this elaborate contraption of weights and elastic cords. It's surprisingly comfortable. In fact, I'm wearing it right now. I'll show you -- see, this goes around here, and that goes there ...

[Frieda]

hey, do you know what works best for athlete's foot? especially when you have those crumbly edges on your toenails?

[funkytuba]

I mean, there I was, sitting in the coffeeshop, enjoying my latte when, who'd've thunk? Flatulence.

[Marcus Bales]

What would Jesus do?

[daverbee]

I can sing all of Celine Dion's songs by heart.


Noooooooooooooooooooooo!

(daver runs out of thread in a panic)

[Peregrine]

... I mean it was pretty huge. So I said, "Maybe you should get a doctor to look at that."

[Marcus Bales]

One of you at this table is a murderer.

[Veruki]

... then there was the time I threw a crystal vase at him. Now it permanently curves to the left.

[T.I.P.]

...as for Jackson Pollock, he was into drip painting. Using this turkey baster, and this gravy bowl, i will show you just how he proceeded...you'll need to move out of the way though, ma'am, or you'll spoil the splatter on the wall...

[seebe]

Did that piece of rice move?

[Avalon]

I love your brother...he's amazing in bed.Not as good as your dad, but almost

[Hyakujo's Fox]

So I guess you're all wondering what my big news was? Well, I am now an official Amway representative!

[Coffee]

Is it just me, or does anyone else reflect on how much this chili both looks like, and how likely it is to become, diarhea...oh, and those hot dogs...

[Marcus Bales]

So then just before the elf opened the door I rolled a die 20 against my dexterity ...

[T.I.P.]

So tell me, Dirk, why exactly did you join AA ?

[Avalon]

Whoa! That salt burns my canker sore..wanna see?

[Coffee]

These fancy dining room chairs are really irritating my hemorrhoids.

[Angry Kid Hoyt]

Are farts supposed to be lumpy?

[seebe]

So I guess you're all wondering what my big news was? Well, I am now an official Amway representative!

Hahaha HFox, been there and was evilly sucked into the Amway scheme by my father and step mother. I hated every minute of it and never recruited anyone, didn't even try very hard to sell the products. I think I took a booklet to work one time. All I ever really wanted was to buy some Amway Scrubbuds.:(

That was years ago and I lasted in the business only a month. Have been without Scrbbuds for years to avoid the relentless recruits.

[Avalon]

And that,kids, is the miracle of natural child birth..now on to the c-section!

[Jaime]

Oh, it's much better now. In fact, the scab fell off this afternoon as I was preparing the soup.

How have you been?

[funkytuba]

How would you classify Madge's Vadge? Sweet or Savory?

[Marcus Bales]

You know what I like to read at dinner? The "Inappropriate Dinner Conversations" thread. Here, let me quote you some ...

[Avalon]

The mushrooms? The ones in the sauce are from the back yard...dog poop makes them grow like crazy.

[seebe]

I usually don't feel gassy until after dinner.

[Jaime]

No, we don't pay much attention to expiry dates in this house. We like to live dangerously... Pass the sour cream?

[Avalon]

I have no idea why they call it gangrene... I mean, does this look green to you?

[Stephi_B]

Anybody seen uncle Klaus' urine sample? I've put it there - I'm sure! - while I searched for something to seal the drinking glass he used, he couldn't find the plastic containers the doc gave him... :rolleyes:

[Peregrine]

Does this apple juice taste funny to you?

[zero]

inhabiting is indeed a challenging word to start a sentence from

[12"razormix]

from where i come from, i take good concentrate in it!

[zero]

you always know exactly how to turn my final words into creative sentences...

[12"razormix]

are you dying? again?


:mad:

[zero]

squash and badmintons are indeed games that can be very physically exerting hence care has to be taken not to go overboard

[seebe]

Oh damn, I forgot to clip my nose hairs again. Can you see any?

[β cyg]

Mr. T could kick your arse!

[zero]

dresssing casually is what i like and i look good too in my jeans

[brightpearl]

I think Mitt Romney would look great in a dress.

[Marcus Bales]

I have pictures of Mitt Romney in a dress!

[Odbe]

Now I know it was the only place that wasn't under video surveillance, but honestly, if you want to get a prison tattoo in a jail bathroom you're just asking for infection.

[brightpearl]

Oh, you would love the Monday evening study hall thread. Just the other day, I posted this:
There are more than 50 types of helminthic infection that people can get from fish. The two most common types are anisakiasis (infection by one of many types of roundworm/nematode) and fish tapeworm. Roundworm infection usually comes from eating marine species, while tapeworm generally comes from fish that spend all or part of their time in fresh water. Sushi made from fish that has not been previously frozen is of the most concern - thoroughly cooking the fish kills all parasites, as does commercial freezing. Freezing in a home freezer may take a week or so to be effective, because it isn't as cold. Most resistant to freezing is a parasite that is emerging as a problem for humans -- the North American liver fluke (http://www.fao.org/docrep/003/t0756e/T0756E86.jpg) (don't look), which is found in fresh water fish and infects the bile duct and/or gallbladder.

http://www.fao.org/docrep/008/y5970e/y5970e04.jpg

There are all sorts of interesting (and nasty) little creatures that live on fishes yet do not cause infection in humans. They latch on to scales, gills, eyeballs, you name it. The most bizarre one in my opinion is Cymothoa exigua,the "tongue-eating louse." It literally eats and replaces the tongue of the fish, feeding both on the fish and what the fish eats. It's related to the common pill bug/roly poly, but it is supremely icky. If you're terribly curious and have a strong stomach, well...you still probably don't want to see this photo (http://ipath.blogs.com/photos/uncategorized/tongbon2_1.jpg).

[Odbe]

Well I did love that thread until Tunes posted this:

"Mah Nà Mah Nà" is a well-known pop music song, written by Piero Umiliani. It was a hit in many countries, including the USA, in 1968–1969. "Mah Nà Mah Nà" debuted as part of Umiliani's soundtrack for the Italian softcore pornography movie Svezia, Inferno e Paradiso (1968), a pseudo-documentary film about wild sexual activity and other behavior in Sweden ("Mah Nà Mah Nà" accompanied a scene set in a sauna).

The song became familiar to many from its renditions by the Muppets on national television. On November 30, 1969, "Mahna Mahna" was performed on the The Ed Sullivan Show by a Muppet also known as Mahna Mahna, and the Snowths. Also in 1969, "Mahna Mahna" was performed on Sesame Street by a character that was later known as Bip Bipadotta, along with two Anything Muppet girls.

Many thanks to DoonDoon for getting this damn thing stuck in my head! :D

which was all well and good by itself until I was watching a music quiz show with the family (parents, grandparents, assorted relatives). A question came up about the origin of that very song. I immediately cried out the correct answer (the quiz show agreed with me) and then had to spend the rest of the night convincing the relatives that I knew the answer from a friendly forum and did not actually watch the softcore porn video.

[trisherina]

Did I ever tell you what happened with my divorce?

[funkytuba]

What time does your parole officer expect you to check in tonight?

[Hyakujo's Fox]

oh, you'll never guess what happened on the internet today!

[Hyakujo's Fox]

Do you ever get the urge and just runaway and start a new life away from your horrible stupid family and your boring superficial friends? I know I do.

[Hyakujo's Fox]

Oh by the way, do you still have the number of that hooker we found in vegas?

[Hyakujo's Fox]

Where's your God now? ha ha ha ha ha

[seebe]

Anyone ever wonder how they get catherters in those tiny little holes?

[trisherina]

Hey, you have great veins!

[Marcus Bales]

Here's one that really happened: At a dinner party of three couples the name of someone not present came up and I said "He's one of the five smartest people I know." After which fell a fell silence as everyone thought about that. Note to self: count those present and add 5 before saying someone is one of the X smartest people I know.

[zero]

(do we continue ?)

here Willie Jeep there is and stories where word of "jeep" came from, although tales for interesting and memorable stories, are difficult to verify factly nobody knows.

[zero]

Culture love and nourish on friendship with physical divine but only cells are to be cultured on shallow glass not as a fish in fish hatcheries but like cells on a petri dish.

[Hyakujo's Fox]

these myriad diffusenesses, these endless subtle wavings and warpings of the atmosphere around us filtering each revelatory miracle of the light, do nothing for your complexion.

[brightpearl]

Do you have any floss? I'm not sure all the bristles were entirely singed off that javelina.

[l'azizza]

Well is it thin and clear or thick and green?

[Marcus Bales]

Our male cat has that urinary issure where they can't pee if they have a high ash content diet, so now he eats canned food mixed with water, and good heavens! how the character of his poop has changed in the litter box!

[T.I.P.]

* looks bored and makes no attempt to contribute to the conversation. If adressed directly, answers with a "yes" or a "no". *

[brightpearl]

OH! Now I know where I've seen you before!!
The guy I've been banging in the copy room has a photo of you hanging in his cubicle! What a crazy coincidence!

[Odbe]

That sauce looks kind of like anal gland discharge from here. But I'm sure it smells much, much better.

[Marcus Bales]

I'm sorry; I just can't fathom that you're seriously arguing that Kant's
Refutation of Material Idealism doesn't contradict Descartes' assertion that material objects can be inferential.

[Coffee]

Man, they weren't kidding when they say proctology exams are uncomfortable, i'm talking extreme discomfort at the beginning of my exam. Frankly I don't think the blindfold helped relax me as much as the doc claimed it would, although once the doc got past the 3rd finger it weren't too bad for the rest of the exam. I just wish the guy hadn't been humming that tune "YMCA" the whole time, the 10 minutes would have been far less irritating...why is everyone looking at me like that?

:eek::eek: :eek: ;) :eek:

[Marcus Bales]

Man, they weren't kidding when they say proctology exams are uncomfortable, i'm talking extreme discomfort at the beginning of my exam. Frankly I don't think the blindfold helped relax me as much as the doc claimed it would, although once the doc got past the 3rd finger it weren't too bad for the rest of the exam. I just wish the guy hadn't been humming that tune "YMCA" the whole time, the 10 minutes would have been far less irritating...why is everyone looking at me like that?

:eek::eek: :eek: ;) :eek:

Bet you'll never go to that dentist again.

[Pixie Cherries]

(I'm still snorting over the last two posts)



"My liposuction went really well. They sucked out seven pounds. I have it in a jar. Want to see?"

[Marcus Bales]

What do you mean I have no heart? Of course I have a heart! I have the heart of a thirteen year old boy! In a jar on my desk.

[Hyakujo's Fox]

That dinner was just terrific. I can't wait to see breakfast.

[Coffee]

Waitress, what the **** is this shit...send all this UTTER CRAP back to the kitchen, tell the that cook he or she is a complete idiot and should be a short order chef, and do not return till you have something palatable for us to eat....ok, she's gone...I'm telling you folks if you want a really creamy and smooth sauce on your fish, for some reason you just Have to insult the chef first, not sure why but it seems to work.

[seebe]

Sometimes, when I breathe my nose almost sounds like it's whistling a tune.

[Angry Kid Hoyt]

My dad says I kiss really well for a guy.

[Pixie Cherries]

Your daughter is only fifteen, but she looks eighteen. She's really popular at school. The guys talk about her a lot in the locker room.

[hypnoplasm]

Oo, oo, just got a little turtlehead. Thought I was going to have to excuse myself, but it seems to have passed. Oh wait...

[Marcus Bales]

No more wine for me, thanks -- I find that if I have more than two I wake up with three girls in the morning. Awkward.

[treekisser]

You say the ribs are really good here? I don't eat pork, do you serve chicken ribs? If not, I think I'll try the buffalo wings and chicken fingers, or is it the other way around? And what part of a chicken is the nugget?

[GodlessPinko]

Oh, thats remarkable Mrs Shrewberry! I say, that fragrance you produced goes rather nicely with the well rounded red I am drinking.

[xfox]

Oh wait, I can change the Oscar Peterson, we can turn on children of men, it's a great movie.

[Marcus Bales]

So have you seen this movie, "The Aristocrats"? Let me tell you what it's about.

[Jack Flanders]

^^^ and two hours later .... I have a friend who does that.

[Jack Flanders]

you call that a cold-sore? god - I had one ten years ago that got named!!!

[kaskeens]

I don't know what you're talking about, i came of age the day I saw my grandma and grandpa doing it on the couch......by the way would you pass the peas mom?

[Tiferet]

Maybe just one glass, the last time I got into the Cabernet I ended up making out with a total stranger at my sister's wedding. Hey! It's posted on You Tube, we can watch it before dessert.

[Pixie Cherries]

Did you know that the malaria mosquito is equally attracted to the odor of Limburger cheese and the smell of human feet? They both harbor the bacterium responsible for human body odor.

[Marcus Bales]

That's quite a rack you have there, Mrs Rothschild.

[hypnoplasm]

There's a scab somewhere in the potato salad. It fell in while I was making it and I forgot to fish it out. I'm sure you guys won't mind.

[l'azizza]

Hi! Thanks for having us over! Keith, I'd like you to meet Ken. Ken and I dated in high school, about the same time as you and I.

(I have a friend who stutters and I wonder if he never suffers from foot-in-mouth disease.)

[hypnoplasm]

Could i trouble you for another napkin? I think I just came on this one.

[Marcus Bales]

You know the old adage 'Never trust a fart'? Well, I'll be right back, if you'll excuse me.

[funkytuba]

So, I guess you're all wondering why I called it "Blood Pudding Surprise"...?

[Marcus Bales]

The laundry didn't get the napkins back in time, so from time to time a woolly dog will pass among you under the table.

[hypnoplasm]

Either I just crapped myself, or this chili smells marvelous.

[brightpearl]

Oh, I think you've been using my water glass! Don't worry, darling; that cold sore's all cleared up.

[kaskeens]

Every time my grandma comes over, I wind up with all kinds of pubes on the soap

[brightpearl]

Mmm..what a lovely casserole.
OH, damn, that reminds me..I forgot to put the cat out.

[brightpearl]

So, who's seen Eraserhead?

[brightpearl]

*brightpearl's best recollection from her one and only dive into a suburban mother's group*

blah blah blah...lipstick...blah blah...so I told that hairdresser/drycleaner/nice little old lady....blah blah blah...I like him well enough but she's a complete mess..blah blah blah...yoga..blah blah...Dasani...blah blah blah blah Apgar scores...potty training until at least four West Nile dermabrasion Texas hold 'emfishstickstalcfreepowderstrippercisebarbiepedia tricianrashwheatgrass100%silk24karatuglyhousesiste rinlaw....

[Brynn]

^*groan of sympathy*



I've invited each of you here tonight to tell you what I've discovered in my therapy sessions. I'd like to think we can all walk away with a little more insight into our lives.

[treekisser]

I haven't had this much fun since reform school.

[Peregrine]

... and then we started doing it! Hot, steaming, kinky sex, right here on the table!

Don't worry. I washed it.

[Peregrine]

What makes this one worse, is that it really happened.

My wife is a pharmacy technician. A couple days ago, she was given a prescription for an old lady to make a balm used to treat anal fissures. She told the lady that it would be done the next day. The lady wasn't happy with that. So she explained to her "the person who does the compounding isn't in until 5pm, so you can either wait for her to come in and do it properly, or I can do it, and risk screwing it up."

She's in training to do the compounding for the pharmacy, and she's really excited about that. So she got to make the old lady's ass cream.

What's more, she found it an entertaining enough story to regale us with it at two separate restaurants over the weekend.

And again during supper at my parent's place last night.

[Marcus Bales]

Ah, I've been trying to get that slippery booger out all day!

[Hyakujo's Fox]

You know it just occurred to me on the way over, I don't think I've ever really liked you.

[brightpearl]

Carrots emit tiny, supersonic screams when they're pulled from the ground, their pitiful root hairs helpless against the tyranny of the harvester. Poor buggers.

[Brynn]

"So what sort of blank stare would it take to get you to heat up this lukewarm plate of food for me again?'

"EXCUSE ME??"

"I said, the food's cold."

"WHAT?"

"Look, I know you're angry with me, but can you please just put down the knife, take that look off your face and try for once in your life to serve a decent meal?"

[treekisser]

[straining to hear] You say that I have a suppository in my ear?! Son of a gun! Now I know where I must have put my hearing aid!

[Marcus Bales]

No, I'm not thirsty, thanks. Oh, Thursday? Well, you don't have to shout!

[treekisser]

No meat for me, thanks. I started a new job this week working in a sausage factory. Pass the Brussels sprouts, please.

[Veruki]

...anyways you wouldn't believe the things they put in the meat grinder.

[Brynn]

Please don't take this the wrong way, but I just want everyone to know that when I get to be Jan's age here, I hope I'll look as good as she does now!
(affectionately pats the woman beside her who is all of three years older than she is).

[Marcus Bales]

It is too a full 8 inches long, look -- who's got a ruler?

[Hyakujo's Fox]

me too!

[trisherina]

Would you please stop touching that?

[Marcus Bales]

I've been experimenting with how farts smell different depending on what you eat. See if you can guess what I had for lunch.

[Angry Kid Hoyt]

Is it just me or does it seem that Marcus has an unhealthy obsession with farts?

[Coffee]

Did you know that suppressing farts can be injurious to one's intestinal health? Ahhhhhhhhhhh.

[Marcus Bales]

We kid Hoyt because we love him -- why only last week I surprised him coming out of the grocery store, shoved him into the van, tied him down, and loved him. Good times.

[Angry Kid Hoyt]

At least you were gentler this time.

[Marcus Bales]

Next time: vaseline.

[Angry Kid Hoyt]

No, no - don't ruin the suprise!

[Marcus Bales]

Oh he just loves being surprised! Why only last week I was paging through a catalog when he walked by and covered his eyes and said "Oh, gross, mom!"

[Angry Kid Hoyt]

I have this sinking feeling that I bit off more than I can chew.

[Marcus Bales]

So I get down to breakfast this morning and I realize I forgot to put the lubricant tube away when I hear Hoyt say "Pass me the grape. This Kentucky Jelly sucks."

[Angry Kid Hoyt]

I am now 100% sure that I bit off more than I can chew.

[Marcus Bales]

Oh, that boy! You'll never believe it, but yesterday when I went down in the basement to do the wash he was painting his tallywacker to look like a dragon!

[YsaPur EsChomuw]

Maybe this time I'll get the recipe right. Let us now join hands and concentrate. I invoke you Kindred Spirit. Grandma, are you there?...

[Hyakujo's Fox]

Let me tell you where Hitler went wrong...

[Marcus Bales]

Have you taken Jesus into your heart?

[Coffee]

...and God Bless George Bush for sending our ignorant poor youth over to fight for our freedom, Amen. Pass the Grey Poupon.

[YsaPur EsChomuw]

Yes, it was hard to belive, but according to the recipe book the pig was to be cooked on a spit. But of course one spit was a tiny amount, so I called the neighbours and... why are you looking at me like that?

[Marcus Bales]

Let's play rearrange letters!

ysapur eschomuw

acehmoprssuuwy

wussy pace humor

[YsaPur EsChomuw]

...and have you heard they discovered a tiny, foul-smelling warthog-like creature that's been hiding from people for centuries on account of being so ugly they'd turn into stone upon seeing it?

No way!

Yes, its discoverer approached it with a mirror, looking only at its reflection in it and thus was able to capture it.

You're kidding, history seems to repeat itself...

He wanted to name it YsaPur Es Chomuw.

What the hell is that?!?

I won't tell you :p , but they named it after its discoverer anyway.

So what's it named?

A Marcus Baleusensis, I think.

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Stop talking like that when I'm eating!

[Jack Flanders]

Let me tell you where Hitler went wrong...

EWWW brussell sprouts.

[Angry Kid Hoyt]

Let's play rearrange letters!

ysapur eschomuw

acehmoprssuuwy

wussy pace humor

whose saucy rump?

[YsaPur EsChomuw]

whose saucy rump

Why use a pro scum?*

* Meaning professional scum, which could go in the Most Unlikey Jobs thread, too.

[Angry Kid Hoyt]

Thinking we need an anagram thread...

[YsaPur EsChomuw]

Thinking we need an anagram thread...

Let's wait until cram ass, lube does it. It's his prerogative, I think.

[Angry Kid Hoyt]

Let's wait until cram ass, lube does it. It's his prerogative, I think.


*in the voice of Church Lady* Hmmm, well that's an "interesting" coincidence.

[YsaPur EsChomuw]

* solemn voice of a Priest* Nomen est omen.

[Angry Kid Hoyt]

*high pitched voice of a castrati* Dictum sapienti sat est.

[zero]

yeh i agree lol

ME TOO!!:D
same here

EXAACTLY!!

this is great

[YsaPur EsChomuw]

I know it's not the appropriate time while eating soup, but I never loved you and I'm leaving you after the second course.

[Veruki]

WHATS GOING ON IN HERE

oops wrong bread! never mind,proceed

[hypnoplasm]

Oh my god, I sweat so much when I cook. I mean it was literally dripping off me in the kitchen tonight. I don't think anyone will need salt.

[Marcus Bales]

Well, we figured since we'd hit the possum we might as well get the snow shovel out of the trunk and scrape it off the pavement and bring it home to cook.

[YsaPur EsChomuw]

Gran, when you die, will you leave me your bone china collection?

[Angry Kid Hoyt]

Hey, I just coined a term! Butt tea - it involves sweat and skidmarks

[YsaPur EsChomuw]

Is this the dinner or is the house on fire?

[Marcus Bales]

We ran out of condoms last night, but I turned some inside out and washed them on the advice of Hoyt and Ysapur, but do you know what? They slip off because there's still oils and lubricants on what used to be the outside! So there we were ... what? What?

[YsaPur EsChomuw]

Have you heard what happened to Marcus who was experimenting with turning used condoms inside out and re-using them? He contracted a disgusting thing, the symptoms involve... Help! Someone call 911!

[Marcus Bales]

You know, I always thought "std" was an abbreviation for "standard" until the re-used condoms incident in my life.

[zero]

Turnover

Trembling uncle Rudolph nudged on vigilant elderly rogues.

;-)omkar

[hypnoplasm]

Excuse me, could I trouble you for a plate to spit into. I've filled up my napkin.

[YsaPur EsChomuw]

I'm terribly upset, because my gerbils devoured their babies! Imagine, those three little red, naked, wriggling uglies disappeared without a trace. Not a tiny baby foot, not a piece of tail, nothing... Oh, and by the way, I'd like to compliment on the cange of your colur. Now it matches your shirt.

[treekisser]

I think I got all of the bones out of the fish, but don't worry, Helga just completed training in the Heimlich maneuver, so enjoy your dinner.

[Veruki]

I could get you a cream for that

[Marcus Bales]

Well, I turned the corner and there they were, so absorbed in trying to get their clothes off without moving the hand each had between the others' legs, and without losing their liplock, that they didn't see me. I stopped and stepped backwards back the way I'd came, and left them to it. Oh, hi Hoyt, YsaPur. Where've you been?

[Veruki]

So I heard your mother gave all her money to that witch-doctor and had to file Chapter 13.

[YsaPur EsChomuw]

Never heard of hairy soup?! And here I was saving my shaving for two months just for you...

[hypnoplasm]

Alright, dinner's served. Eat quick, now, while it's still alive.

[Marcus Bales]

Hey look, I've gotten down to 54 seconds to field-strip and reassemble my .45!

[YsaPur EsChomuw]

I think this hedgehog soup tastes somewhat strange, eh?

[Marcus Bales]

aaaack .... can't ... breathe .... aaaack ... help me .... Just kidding! hahahahahahaha!

[YsaPur EsChomuw]

Well, it was runny, like your thick cocoa and of the colour of this soya sauce and the smell resembled... Why are you looking at me like that? I've just read somewhere that describing my bowel movement in great detail will magically turn me into a great dinner companion...

[hypnoplasm]

Wow, this tri-tip is as delicious as the holocaust is non-exisistent. Mmm-mm!

[YsaPur EsChomuw]

Do you want to hear the story of how Grandpa's penis got caught in the lawnmower?

[Marcus Bales]

He said he gave his dog a bone, and I said "Dude, you gave your dog a bone?" and he said "Dude, it was really a bone." and I said "I'll bet it was, dude!" and he said, ...

[YsaPur EsChomuw]

Oh, but you said you wanted a dog! So I made this divine dog soup, this delicious dog steak, there's a double-dog cake and I even spared some dog-do found in the intestines... And now it's all going to the dogs!

[Marcus Bales]

Did you know that the FDA has mandated an allowable percentage of rat shit in hot dogs?

[YsaPur EsChomuw]

Did you know that the dogs which are made into hot dogs are fed rats, to add a certain 'body' to the flavour? The alloved percentage of rat shit only enhances that special sensation you feel when you bite into your hot dog...

[Marcus Bales]

That's slicker than cum on a gold tooth!

[YsaPur EsChomuw]

Remember when I found that gold tooth in the apple pie? I wonder how it got there?

Maybe the cook had some side job...

[Marcus Bales]

I'd guess her side job was an inside job.

How about an after-dinner drink? I found this "Name Your Poison" thread online ...

[Herri Batasuna]

Inaproppriate dinner conversations??? Well, I have an old friend who belongs to Europe's left wing autonomous scene. One of his favourite hobbies is going for lunch with conservative old farts or somehow reactionary teacher colleagues (who are probable a little fascist), telling them things about his anarchistic-socialistic movement (he's one of the Bakunin-followers ...) and then sometimes he gets a punch on the nose - or he gets kicked out of his job employment -
last time he was working at a very conservative school in Spain, and he was telling people all the time about things connected with ETA's fight against the Spanish state - I think these might be inappropriate dinner discussions, but, after all, it's his own choice to get his nose bleeding ... :p

[treekisser]

I am so pleased that you enjoyed the stew. You will absolutely not believe me when I tell you how I made it.

[YsaPur EsChomuw]

It's so nice of you, dear, that you want to prove you like my cooking. But I don't think you should continue eating that soup after you vomited twice into your bowl.

[Brynn]

Does anyone see any difference between watering plants, and watery planets?
What about steak and Stanley Kubrick?

[YsaPur EsChomuw]

Could you pass the skunk-extract? Your meals never seem to be pungent enough.

[treekisser]

Personal hygiene was never my strong suit.

[auntie aubrey]

so this one time i was using an immersion blender when something got stuck in the blades. i thought, "i'll make quick work of this," and the next thing you know i'm bleeding like a stuck pig and it looks like... well, kind of like your beef carpaccio. in fact, slide that plate over here, i want to compare.

[Marcus Bales]

Hey, I wrote a new poem today! It begins "There was an old man from Nantucket ..."

[treekisser]

The last time I had chili as good as this, I farted nonstop for eleven days.

[YsaPur EsChomuw]

I'm glad you liked the meal. It's your turn now to satisfy my needs.

[Marcus Bales]

Term life insurance is perhaps the simplest form of life insurance. It was developed to provide temporary life insurance protection on a limited budget. Since term insurance can be purchased in large amounts for a relatively small initial premium, it is well suited for short-range goals such as life insurance coverage to pay off a loan, or providing extra life insurance protection during the child-raising years.

[Coffee]

Religion is for weak minded sheep who feel mentally overburdened with having to deal with life and natures random uncertainties, pass the salt please Pastor, and only complete morons would allow themselves to be brainwashed by those in the religious con-art field. Take the catholic church for example, how has an institution that has mentally abused millions of people for hundreds of generations survived so long, pass the butter please Your Holiness, while it's elite has whored and dined like kings while preaching humility and abstinence, while shoving guilt down the throats of regular people for enjoying some of lifes simple pleasures?

[treekisser]

Forget the small talk. Are you aware of the health risks involved in eating the food that you just ordered?

[YsaPur EsChomuw]

Put that slice back! And, by the way, you should really start exercising, you know...

[Marcus Bales]

Have you noticed that even though Hyakujo's Fox starts new birthday threads and comments in others that he hasn't managed to judge the dictionary game?

[treekisser]

Research shows that people who keep their mouths shut rarely suffer from obesity.

[funkytuba]

See that spot right there? The one with the ragged red edges? It itches like a bitch! Here... you've got long nails... give it a good scratch, would you? I'm tired of twisting around.

[YsaPur EsChomuw]

That painting? Oh, I stole it from the National Museum when nobody was looking. Why?

[funkytuba]

We switched recently from Pampers to Huggies and boy, what a difference it makes in the bouillabaisse.

[YsaPur EsChomuw]

Erm, no, this soup shouldn't taste sour, but it's four weeks old. Nobody from the family wanted it, so we decided to save it and serve it for those guests that we don't really want to see again.

[treekisser]

That poor Dick Cheney. I wish everyone would stop picking on him.

[Marcus Bales]

The neomodern paradigm of consensus implies that class has significance, given that sexuality is interchangeable with art. Therefore, the primary theme of the works of Smith is not, in fact, narrative, but postnarrative.

[treekisser]

Show me yours and I'll show you mine.

[YsaPur EsChomuw]

What? Why are you ordering Mountain Dew?! Don't you know it's actually nothing but sweetened mildew?

[treekisser]

Shut up and drink your V-8 before it clots!

[YsaPur EsChomuw]

Finish up your Bloody Mary before it clots!

[treekisser]

I have a pet slug named Spot who loves to perch on my shoulder like a parrot. Can I show him to you?

[Coffee]

Enjoy this fish, a real fighter this fish. It took 20 minutes to land him, then I had to chase him around the cockpit while trying to beat him in the head for 10 minutes while he flopped around like a Mohamed Ali ducking blows...awesome...made a bloody mess for me to clean up though. Man did he want to live...well...go ahead...eat up.

nom nom nom

[treekisser]

Your order will be served in a few moments, but first a few disclosures: your dinner was prepared by a replacement chef. Our regular chef is recuperating from a parasitic infection. The china and silverware were washed in 45-degree water because our water heater broke last night, but we did use a lot of extra soap. No live animals were intentionally slaughtered in the preparation of your meal. All meat served here was harvested from roadkill and previously frozen. Some of the seafood may have been left at room temperature for a period of not greater than twenty-four hours. Wild mushrooms used in our vichysoisse were gathered by persons unknown. None of the ingredients used in the preparation of your meal have been touched by human hands more than once. We do use transfats but do not employ transgender workers. A portion of the profits from your patronage will be used to support anti-PETA activities worldwide. Any questions may be directed to First Degree, our parent company.
Enjoy your dinner!

[Marcus Bales]

It was a wretched, rutted mule-track running through thick forests with occasional clearings in which lay the small Kentish villages, where rude shock-headed peasants with smocks and galligaskins stared with bold, greedy eyes at the travellers.

[YsaPur EsChomuw]

Don't take it personally, but you used to be so much fun before you stopped drinking.

[treekisser]

Your mother and I dated off and on until I learned that she married your father.

[Marcus Bales]

Human urine has strengthening and curative characteristics concerning many deficiencies. All kinds of throat inflammation can be helped by gargling with urine to which a bit of saffron has been added. Trembling hands and knees can be helped by washing, and rubbing one's own warm urine into the skin directly after one has urinated. Drink your own water in the morning nine days together and it cures the scurvy, makes the body lightsome and cheerful. It is good against the dropsy and Jaundice, drunk as before. Wash your ears with it warm and it is good against deafness noises and nost other ailments in the ears. Wash your eyes with your own water and it cures sore eyes and clears and strengthens the sight. Wash and rub your hands with it, and it takes away numbness, chaps and sores and makes the joints limber. Wash any green wound with it and it is an extraordinary good thing. Wash any part that itches and it takes the itch away. Wash the fundament and it is good against piles and other sores. More than any other method, urine therapy represents the principles of natural medicine. I'm drinking mine now.

[YsaPur EsChomuw]

Human urine... :eek:

Oh! That's not the soup tureen, that's the spitbox.

[treekisser]

We had to replace Marcus, our cook, when Ysapur, our housekeeper, revealed to us that he cooks carrots and pees in the same pot.

[Hyakujo's Fox]

Do you ever get the feeling you've left someone strapped to a bed somewhere?

[Coffee]

Dad, Dad, I have something to tell you while you are sitting down. I'm straight.

[YsaPur EsChomuw]

That noise? Just ignore it. Grampa is killing cats upstairs again. He gets into this state every time full moon approaches. No, don't go yet! Don't worry, he's harmless in other ways. Here, taste this delicacy: I don't really know what it is, but Grandma calls it Katzenzunge.

[Marcus Bales]

We were really drunk coming out of the bar last night, and Harry pointed to a dog licking its balls and said "I wish I could do that" and I said "I dunno, he looks pretty mean -- I'd ask him first."

[treekisser]

Ever tired head cheese?

[treekisser]

Ever tried head cheese? (sorry)

[Hyakujo's Fox]

You know what? I've actually come to prefer the awkward silences.

[Hyakujo's Fox]

and you would not believe the stuff that came out of that filter!

[Marcus Bales]

I was reading that new book on Hitler, and it says Hitler loved to listen to Wagner -- well, I can't stand Wagner, and that put me right off Hitler, I'll tell you.

[treekisser]

The hospital was so clean, you could eat out of the bedpans. So, how's the soup?

[Marcus Bales]

I just had a root canal, see?

[Coffee]

I just had prostate surgury, see?

[Marcus Bales]

Whoa, dude, your surgeon was a butcher -- why is THIS scar there ... ooh, sorry! No, no, don't worry, it'll just take a moment to get the sideboard upright again.

[Hyakujo's Fox]

You'll have to excuse me, I filled up on Brussels Sprouts on the way over.

[YsaPur EsChomuw]

We have a long history of phobias in the family. To me, for example, bathtubs and sinks pose an imminent threat, so you might have noticed my hair hasn't been washed for a considerable time. Now, when we move on to other body parts, the danger seems to... hey, where are you going?

[zero]

blah blah blah blah blah blah

[MoJoRiSin]

^ :D you are right zero that is very inappropriate !!


http://books.google.com/books?id=H5FFbNQvB5kC&pg=PA30

[treekisser]

The last time I ate this much, I vomited through my nose for a week. Please pass the mashed potatoes.