figure of speech

[auntie aubrey]

i was just sitting here remembering some of the hairbrained figures of speech my mother used to use. my two favorites are as follows:

"like a cow pissing on a flat rock"
this is a very specific description of a particular type of rain. if you imagine the described phenomenon, you'll probably recognize the type of rainstorm concerned.

"funnier than a rubber crutch"
the way in which this one was used led me to believe that, apparently, there is no higher form of humor than watching an invalid struggling with an undependable and dangerous substitution for valid medical equipment. it struck me as oddly cruel and bizarre as a standard of humor.

please share your colorful and/or odd figures of speech, real or imagined. in-depth analysis optional.

[Peregrine]

This one is predominantly used in New Brunswick. I wouldn't be surprised to hear it used elsewhere, but I hear tell that apparently it originated with us:

Happy as a pig in sh*t

That phrase always struck me as odd. Because as we all know, pigs like mud, because they don't have sweat glands, and mud helps them regulate their temperature on hot days. So if a pig were in mud, I"m sure he'd be quite content. But sh*t? If a pig were in sh*t, he would probably have the same reaction as any other animal short of a dung beetle or something, namely, "what the fvck am I doing in this sh*t?" I don't imagine he'd be pleased.

[trisherina]

...but... only when he hungers... Pig's in Zen...

Anyway,

Useless as tits on a teddy bear is the characteristically somewhat cryptic favourite from my oldest bestest friend, and while I have adopted her Up and down like a whore's pants on payday as my own, I must confess my shameless theft, Twiggy.

[YsaPur EsChomuw]

My Dad's phrase:
his mouth walks like a duck's ass
only I can't translate it properly, because I can't find the correct verb (the Hungarian mouthwalk here denotes a mindless, annoying flow of words)

It brings back pictures of my Grandma's yard: ducklings producing liquid, foul-smelling green sh*t, happily shaking their butt after the act and walking away pretending nothing happened.

Unfortunately, it reminds me of one of my colleagues as well: she would amble in, pour on us a waterfall of malice and then walk away, leaving behind the unpleasant smell of her presence.

[Marcus Bales]

My Dad's phrase:
his mouth walks like a duck's ass
only I can't translate it properly, because I can't find the correct verb (the Hungarian mouthwalk here denotes a mindless, annoying flow of words)

logorrhea

[Stephi_B]

The only thing that comes to my mind now (and that always causes non-Bavarians to giggle or look a bit puzzled) is

rejoice like a schnitzel

I have no idea why of all things schnitzels are supposed to have such a bright mood :confused:

[treekisser]

Here are a few that many of you will recognize:

Happy as a clam
Colder than a witch's tit
Honest as the day is long
Fresh as the morning dew
Soft as a baby's bottom
Hot as Hades
Naked as a jaybird
Wild as a bull in a china shop
Quick as the wind
Right as rain
Horny as a rooster
Straight as an arrow
Crooked as a dog's hind leg
Dead as a door nail

etc. etc. etc.

How about a new thread on figures of speech where one is asked to imaginatively complete a simile. Try this one: RUDE AS.....

[lukkucairi]

^ rude as a mud hut.

how about like lipstick on a pig

or a recent favorite, "(staggering from man to man...) like a drunken prom queen on an uneven sidewalk"

[Peregrine]

Here are a few that many of you will recognize:

...
Colder than a witch's tit
....


My wife is sort-of a lapsed pagan. A few years back, when she was still a practicing Wiccan, she used to follow up that phrase with "And I should know!"

In a similar vein, my father often used the expression Colder than a mother-in-law's kiss.

[auntie aubrey]

my friend from swamp country, mississippi frequently declares, "i'm so hungry, i could eat a buttered brick."

another one that i'm not ashamed to have stolen is, "this ain't my first rodeo." it's used typically when someone is trying to explain something to you that you already understand. i used it the other day with my realtor when she was trying to get me to accept some sort of hogwash that the seller was trying to pass off as fair. "um, no, this ain't my first rodeo."


i think we should all vow to use one of the figures of speech from another country in every day conversation, in our own respective languages. personally, i'm going to look for an application for "his mouth walks like a duck's ass."

[YsaPur EsChomuw]

i think we should all vow to use one of the figures of speech from another country in every day conversation, in our own respective languages.

Likewise, I'll try to use this one "this ain't my first rodeo.". Everybody will totally believe me! They would look at me with respect, I think. I hope.

Here's another one: He shook him (up) like Christ the cobbler. It means to shake someone angrily, because that person didn't do something he should have done.
I'm familiar with most Bible stories, but I don't know what happened between Christ and the cobbler. Maybe it's in the Apocrypha... :p

[Frieda]

iets doen voor de kat z'n kut

to do something for the cat's cvnt - to do something that has already become unneccesary or obsolete

"oh, so i've been making this report all day for the cat's cvnt??"

also, de kat z'n viool (violin/fiddle)

[Brynn]

My Texas upbringing gave me a number of colorful phrases -

Don't pee down my leg and tell me it's raining! which is a variation of "this ain't my first rodeo." Texan ladies were not allowed to use this phrase, however.

My mother always said "You'd better not do that or I'll be mad as a wet hen." Her mother grew up on a farm, so I'm sure she got it from her. This was used almost interchangeably with mad as a red hen, but she reserved the red hen for when she was really angry, and it was usually accompanied by a spanking with a metal spatula. I'd always picture someone dumping a bucket of water on a chicken, or a white hen getting so mad that all her feathers would suddenly turn scarlet and then she'd explode.

One of my favorites as a little girl was "If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we'd all have a Merry Christmas," becuase it always made my mouth water even when I was being reprimanded.

He's crazier than a three dollar bill is always apt because there is no U.S. currency of that denomination. My brother uses it a lot. He also loves to drive bargains, and when he gets a really good one he drawls "I skinned him but good," as if he had peeled the very skin from the man and left him with nothing to hold him together.

My grandmother, always concerned about bringing up my many sisters, cousins and me to be proper ladies of refinement in dresses, would hiss "Keep your knees together, I can see your A-Double-Scribble!" This was an especially mysterious phrase to hear as a kid because there was zero tolerance for off-color words, so we really just didn't know any. It wasn't until my cousin and I were adults, talking about our prim, sainted, snowy-haired, tee-totaling Southern Baptist Grannie, when we realized with a shock that for years she had been spelling out the forbidden word "ass" - a word that none of us learned or even heard until middle school.

One of my recent favorites is a variation on "it's like putting lipstick on a pig" and applies to any hopelessly ugly man-made object that can't be beautified. "It's like pinning a corsage to a robot."

[brightpearl]

Oh lord, I have a million of these that my grandmother used to say.

One of my favorites is "Well I'll swan." It's kind of like "Well I'll be." It amuses me because my devoutly religious grandmother used to say it all the time, and I read recently that it developed out of "Well I'll swear and be damned," which she would never, ever have said on purpose. :D

Down here in Tejas we say something's tumped over sometimes...It's a combination of "tip" and "dump"...you can only use it if you've knocked over a container that had something spillable in it. I say that all the time, and also, I'll admit, I frequently say that I'm fixing to do something. On the Gulf Coast, in some areas, that's shortened to "I/I'm funna..."

And I absolutely love to use You can't swing a dead cat in here without hittin' a... whatever there is a lot of. My favorite was when I was involuntarily sent to a lawyer gathering and I got to say, "Dadgummit, you can't swing a dead cat in here without hittin' a Republican."

My dad has a lot of good ones, too, frequently dumb as a post and ugly as three kinds of sin .

[auntie aubrey]

my father had a commentary on ugliness, that for some reason he tended to reserve for a description of lionel richie, specifically. don't ask me why. The expression was, "he's so ugly he could make a train go down a dirt road." it's pretty self explanatory.

and the a-double-scribble thing reminded me of something one of our neighbors used to say. she loathed profanity so whenever something went wrong she would instead blurt out, "oh, sugar honey iced tea!" it was years before we figured out that she was cursing in her own cute way.

[auntie aubrey]

One of my favorites is "Well I'll swan." It's kind of like "Well I'll be." It amuses me because my devoutly religious grandmother used to say it all the time, and I read recently that it developed out of "Well I'll swear and be damned," which she would never, ever have said on purpose. :D

oh yes, my mother had one of those. she used to refer to a good bargain as having "chewed them down." then my father explained to her that she was misusing an anti-semitic expression, to "jew" someone down. she was horrified that she'd been using the expression her whole life and had no idea.

tumped over

ah yes, i remember tumped from time spent in tennessee.

[lukkucairi]

euphemisms unique to Utah, as far as I know:

fetch you! (instead of that other f-word), and oh my heck, scrud, and pretty much flippin' anything

[lukkucairi]

terms from the Bahamas:

jook - i.e. to stab ("he jooked me with his pencil")

yuck - i.e. to pull sharply ("yuck the door, it's sticking")

he and I don't shoot nickers - nicker beans are small and almost spherical and used to be used for the game of marbles. if you don't "shoot nickers" you don't get along.

[Peregrine]

When my sisters and I were children, whenever our aunts and uncles suspected that we were telling stories out of school, they would say you're full of old boots as a polite way to say "you're full of sh*t"

If someone asks where someone is, a rather frustrating response may be On the roof pickin' dulse (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Palmaria_palmata).

If something was taking a really long time to get moving, my mother might say slow as cold molasses running down the hill in winter time. Although a better hyperbole might have the molasses trying to run uphill, my mother often got the two mixed up. But if you know anything about molasses, it really wouldn't matter which direction it's going, since its rate of progress is about the same.

My parents used to own a building, and one day my father had a conversation with one of the tenants. He came in, and said to my mom he's got a few rooms upstairs not plastered. Sort of another way of saying he's a few bricks short of a load. But my mom didn't quite get what he was saying, and said "don't tell me that he's got all the plaster torn off the walls up there."

[auntie aubrey]

i'm sure most people have heard the phrase, "better than a kick in the head," when something isn't particularly appealing, but is better than nothing. a michigan variation is the more descriptive, "better than a kick in the head with a frozen overshoe."

it makes sense when you hail from a cold state. my poor texan husband, however, looks at me like i'm nuts when i use that expression.

another expression my uncle uses frequently is, "what does that have to do with the price of eggs?" indicating that you've just said something totally irrelevant.

[Hyakujo's Fox]

price of fish in our neck of the woods.

SHE'S the cat's mother. the perfectly perpendicular direction to take in any mother-child argument. :)

[Marcus Bales]

Couldn’t pour piss from a cowhide boot with complete directions on the heel.

Plain Talk
William Jay Smith

“There are people so dumb,” my father said,
“They don’t know beans from an old bedstead.
They can’t tell one thing from another,
Ella Cinders from Whistler’s Mother,
A porcupine quill from a peacock feather,
A buffalo-flop from Florentine leather.
They don’t know their ass from a sassafras root
And couldn’t pour piss from a cowhide boot
With complete directions on the heel.”

That’s how he felt – that’s how I feel.

[Brynn]

she's crazy, or a few sandwiches short of a picnic - don't get her mad or she'll jump on you like ugly on an ape.

as for stupid -
he's a dim bulb, doesn't have all his neurons firing at once, dumb as a doorknob

while "she's pretty as the capital letter S."

Thanks Auntie, I'd forgotten all about "well, I'll swan." What a strange thing to say, isn't it really? Funny how a little phrase can conjure up a whole person.

a rejoinder to something completely over-the-top stupid and silly in our household when we're joking around is "Ape laughs, we have fun!" For some reason, this just tickles family members and starts the laughing all over again.

My best friends (who are Venezuelan) used to feed me as a starving college student. Even if I couldn't stay and visit for long, they'd insist that I sit down and eat, saying "Indio comido, Indio ido" Sorry if that's misspelled - I don't speak much Spanish, unfortunately, but it translates to "Indian eats, Indian leaves."

[YsaPur EsChomuw]

he's pulling the horse-hide means he's asleep, I have no idea, why. On second thoughts, it might something connected with the noise.

to threw out the fox-hide means to vomit, maybe because of colour-related associations.

[trisherina]

Better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.
(most things are)

Dumber than a sack of hammers.

Looks like she's been beaten with an ugly stick.

[Peregrine]

Another variation is what's that got to do with the price of tea in China?

[Marcus Bales]

As nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs

[brightpearl]

I love this thread.
I high-tailed it in here like an eight-legged dog.

[lukkucairi]

how could I forget thick as a brick shithouse?

[Frieda]

zo traag als dikke stront

as slow as thick shit

[brightpearl]

oh oh oh

grinning like a drunk monkey

[auntie aubrey]

and now for some dirty ones:

if you're nervous or heat exhausted, you're sweating like a whore in church

if you're leaving abruptly, you're off like a prom dress

and then there's the very regional phrase, dating miss michigan. which refers to a man.... erm.... pleasuring himself.... because of how michigan is shaped....

[Marcus Bales]

Dirty ones, eh?

dead heat in a Zeppelin race (said of a woman with large breasts)

crimp off a length
drop the kids off at the pool
going to see a man about a dog
doing your duty (all said of evacuating one's bowels)

slicker than deer guts on a doorknob
slicker than cum on a gold tooth

[auntie aubrey]

dead heat in a Zeppelin race (said of a woman with large breasts)

oh god that was a huge laugh for me. i'm definitely going to surprise the ol' spouse with this one. unfortunately there's no one around to comment on for the moment, so as of right now the expression is more useless than hen shit on a pump handle.

[Marcus Bales]

as the actress said to the bishop
making the beast with two backs
camp as a row of pink tents

[T.I.P.]

bête comme ses pieds - dumb as his feet


il n'a pas inventé le fil à couper le beurre - he did not invent the butter cutting string, which means he is not a genius. The butter cutting string (used to be) a very basic element of the french kitchen.


ça ne casse pas trois pattes à un canard - It doesn't break three legs on a duck, which means it's not really that exciting. If it did it break three legs to a duck it would mean that a three legged duck was involved and that would be significantly more exciting.

j'étais comme deux ronds de flan - means "i was flabbergasted", literally "I was like two servings of flan pudding"

[lukkucairi]

my favorite Douglas Adamsishness:

as gay as a treeful of monkeys on nitrous oxide

[YsaPur EsChomuw]

keeping quiet as the scabby hog in the wheat - clam up

rejoices like the monkey over its tail* (*meaning the actual tail as well as the male sexual organ) - extremely happy about a trivial thing

[zero]

yecannie shove yer grannie aff the bus




...all together now (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=td1XuS-FAgI)

[brightpearl]

ça ne casse pas trois pattes à un canard - It doesn't break three legs on a duck, which means it's not really that exciting. If it did it break three legs to a duck it would mean that a three legged duck was involved and that would be significantly more exciting.

Reading the ones from other languages is always more fun. This one reminds me of more fun than killin' baby ducks with a ball peen hammer.

Which for the record I would never, ever do. But it's still funny.

[Marcus Bales]

You're the one fvcking this chicken, I'm just holding the wings.

[YsaPur EsChomuw]

his earwax froze in him - very surprised

[auntie aubrey]

screw ups:

when someone totally messes up a task beyond repair, "he screwed the pooch."

when someone is so stupid that he can fail at even the simplest task, "he could screw up a two car funeral."

when someone is so stupid that he can't figure out the simplest details, "he couldn't find his way out of a paper bag with both hands and a roadmap."
alternately, "he couldn't find his ass with both hands and a roadmap."
alternately, "he doesn't know his ass from his ebow."

[Peregrine]

You're the one fvcking this chicken, I'm just holding the wings.

Now that makes sense.

I read a variation once in a book on quotations and sayings: I'll screw this chicken. You hold the beak. I've never heard of it before or since. It was supposed to be a saying about "leadership". I can't say that I'd take a leader very seriously if he told me something like that. But it never occurred to me to swap it around like that. I like this one better. I'll have to make a note to use it sometime.

[YsaPur EsChomuw]

two Hungarian expressions for moving aimlessly:

maundering like stork shit in the air
gadding like a cockchafer* on a beggar's cOck

*a kind of large European beetle

[YsaPur EsChomuw]

owl snot ~ fence-tearer ~ throat-wash ~ aiming-water ~ curved drink ~ priest-grumbler ~ lag/convict-griller are all Hungarian expessions for booze, the last two being strong and of inferior quality

[Marcus Bales]

couldn't find his ass with both hands and a flashlight.
Couldn't find his ass with both hands in his back pockets
couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery

[auntie aubrey]

oh, go piss up a flagpole!


:D

[Stephi_B]

^I got a one with a related picture - which I just used during the ciggie break :D

Ach, scheiß doch die Wand an!

approximately: Oh, do shit on the wall!
meaning: Oh, whatever!

[lukkucairi]

yecannie shove yer grannie aff the bus

AAAHHHH I haven't heard that in years!

Auntie: I'd rather piss up a rope

[Marcus Bales]

Go on, before I snatch you bald-headed!

[Jack Flanders]

two from new jersey (I think?)

not for nothin' ...but... then you follow it with a sarcastic comment like "he really is an assh*le!"

does he walk to work or carry his lunch? I still don't know what the hell this means. :o but it drove me nuts at work because the stupid civil engineers used it all the time. it was like hearing fingernails scratching a blackboard.

[Marcus Bales]

Trying to herd cats.
Trying to nail Jell-O to the wall

[Peregrine]

does he walk to work or carry his lunch? I still don't know what the hell this means. :o but it drove me nuts at work because the stupid civil engineers used it all the time. it was like hearing fingernails scratching a blackboard.

My dad used to hear that one all the time when he worked with the longshoremen.

If you walk to work, then you're close enough to walk home for lunch, and make it back in time for work. But if you don't live close enough to work, then you have to drive, so you might as well bring your lunch with you in the morning.

Civil engineers, or any engineers probably get a kick out of it because in logic, two conditions separated by an or have to be mutually exclusive, which, obviously, these two statements are not.

[Marcus Bales]

All That

All branch, no bole,
All beep, no back,
All heel, no sole,
All reach, no tack;

All hull, no sail,
All gee, no haw,
All bilge, no bail,
All hiss, no claw;

All bark, no bite,
All boy, no scout,
All mail, no knight,
All no, no doubt;

All plug, no play,
All bump, no grind,
All straight, no gay,
All waste, no mind;

All horn, no Satch,
All feel, no know,
All call, no catch,
All catch, no throw;

All swing, no hit,
All lead, no steal,
All measure, no fit,
All offer, no deal;

All bid, no buy,
All leer, no schwing,
All spatter, no fry,
All prayer, no wing;

All mud, no wallow,
All chew, no spit,
All spit, no swallow,
All pot, no shit;

All Paris, no Hector,
All sign, no road,
All thrust, no vector,
All booster, no load.

[lukkucairi]

I got the style but not the grace
I got the clothes but not the face
I got the bread but not the butter
I got the winda but not the shutter

But I'm big in Japan I'm big in Japan but heh I'm big in Japan

I got the house but not the deed
I got the horn but not the reed
I got the cards but not the luck
I got the wheel but not the truck

But I'm big in Japan I'm big in Japan but heh I'm big in Japan

I got the moon I got the cheese I got the whole damn nation
On its knees I got the rooster I got the crow
I got the ebb I got the flow

I got the powder but not the gun
I got the dog but not the bun
I got the clouds but not the sky
I got the stripes but not the tie

But I'm big in Japan I'm big in Japan but heh I'm big in Japan

Heh ho they love the way I do it
Heh ho there's really nothing to it

I got the moon I got the cheese
I got the whole damn nation on their knees
I got the rooster I got the crow
I got the ebb I got the flow

I got the sizzle but not the steak
I got the boat but not the lake
I got the sheets but not the bed
I got the jam but not the bread

But I'm big in Japan I'm big in Japan but heh I'm big in Japan

[Jack Flanders]

My dad used to hear that one all the time when he worked with the longshoremen.

If you walk to work, then you're close enough to walk home for lunch, and make it back in time for work. But if you don't live close enough to work, then you have to drive, so you might as well bring your lunch with you in the morning.

Civil engineers, or any engineers probably get a kick out of it because in logic, two conditions separated by an or have to be mutually exclusive, which, obviously, these two statements are not.

TA!!! I do get it now!!! I do not think that the CE's figured it out though. They usually were referring to our clients in a mean way. HA!! Who had the $$, hmmm?

[Marcus Bales]

busy as a one-armed paper-hanger
busy as a one-legged man at a butt-kicking contest...

[auntie aubrey]

gloomy gus
debbie downer
happy as larry
serious sam

[Frieda]

zeven kleuren schijten / ik schijt alle kleuren van de regenboog

to shit seven colors / i'm shitting all colors of the rainbow



to be very scared