another joke thread

[zenbabe]

LOTS OF THOUGHTS ABOUT ONE LITTLE STATEMENT- - - -DUTCHMAN- - -
Survey: Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

GEORGE W. BUSH

We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to

know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is

either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.



COLIN POWELL

Now at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image Of

the chicken crossing the road.



HANS BLIX

We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been

allowed access to the other side of the road.



MOHAMMED ALDOURI (Iraqi ambassador to the U.N.)

The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We

don't even have a chicken.



SADDAM HUSSEIN

This crossing of the road was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were

quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on the chicken.



RALPH NADER

The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted

by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the

unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed

by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.



PAT BUCHANAN

Why? To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.



RUSH LIMBAUGH

I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was

getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out

there is already forming a support group to help chickens with

crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this

can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by tax

dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money

the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.



MARTHA STEWART

No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a

standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price

dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.



JERRY FALWELL

Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the

plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other

side." That's what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my friends, that

chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I

say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the

liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the

other side."



DR. SEUSS

Did the chicken cross the road?

Did he cross it with a toad?

Yes, The chicken crossed the road,

But why it crossed, I've not been told!



ERNEST HEMINGWAY

To die in the rain. Alone.



MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.

I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads

without having their motives called into question.



GRANDPA

In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told

us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.



BARBARA WALTERS

Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the

chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it

experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its

life-long dream of crossing the road.



JOHN LENNON

Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.



ARISTOTLE

It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.



KARL MARX

It was an historical inevitability.



VOLTAIRE

I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the

death its right to do it.



RONALD REAGAN

What chicken?



CAPTAIN KIRK

To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.



SIGMUND FREUD

The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road

reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.



BILL GATES

I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but

will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook

- and it is an inextricable part of Microsoft eChicken, Internet

Explorer and the Windows operating system.



STEVE JOBS

Because it switched to using a Macintosh computers.



ALBERT EINSTEIN

Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the

chicken?



BILL CLINTON

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken?

Could you define chicken, please?



COLONEL SANDERS

I missed one?



FRANK PURDUE

How did it get away?

[ambo]

Oh thank you Zen !
Here's one that gave me a chuckle...

Parking Ticket

I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a girl a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!
So I called him a piece of horse s**t. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
I try to have a little fun each day.

It's important!!!!

[zenbabe]

Ha!

[ambo]

Oh here's one kinda like Zen's:

Cow Economics:

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

You sell them and retire on the income.


ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM:

You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.

No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.


AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

You are surprised when the cow drops dead.


A FRENCH CORPORATION:

You have two cows.

You go on strike because you want three cows.


A JAPANESE CORPORATION:

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.


A GERMAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows.

You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.


A BRITISH CORPORATION:

You have two cows.

Both are mad.


AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.

You break for lunch.


A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.

You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.


A SWISS CORPORATION:

You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.

You charge others for storing them.


A HINDU CORPORATION:

You have two cows.

You worship them.


A CHINESE CORPORATION:

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.


AN ISRAELI CORPORATION:

So, there are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?


AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION:

You have two cows.

The one on the left is kinda cute.