Inappropriate Interpretations of Christmas Songs

[Marcus Bales]

I've got a pal here in Cleveland who has been arguing that "Baby It's Cold Outside" is a date rape song. I've told him that's ridiculous, that it's by Frank Loesser, the king of the witty elliptical approach to love songs, that it's clear from the song that the woman comes over to the man's house, so who's seducing who, here, and finally asked him whether he thinks that Loesser's "Slow Boat to China" is a kidnapping song, all to no avail. He's still insisting on applying inappropriate political correctness.

So I'd like to get a list of other Christmas songs with equally inappropriate interpretations in order to mock his ideas about that song. I have a modest collection here. I'd appreciate it if you could add to it:


Santa Claus is Coming to Town -- big brotherism, stalking
I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus -- adultery
All I want for Christmas is You -- slavery
Santa Baby -- prostitution, blackmail

Any others?

[Frieda]

last christmas (i gave you my heart) - organ harvesting

[Hyakujo's Fox]

Ding Dong Merrily on High - WEED!

[funkytuba]

It Came Upon a Midnight Clear -- Mass Interspecies Bukkake

[YsaPur EsChomuw]

The Twelve Days of Christmas - sensless consumerism


Wait! Isn't it what Christmas is about..? :rolleyes:

[YsaPur EsChomuw]

Have yourself a merry little Christmas - coming out

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer - integrating alcoholics into society

[trisherina]

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus -- childhood confrontation with moral relativism

[Coffee]

I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas - Cocaine fantasy.

[Coffee]

Away in a Manger - Historical Child Protection Services case file

[Coffee]

Let it Snow - Favorite carol of Power/Heating Companies.

[lukkucairi]

God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen - alcohol-induced narcolepsy

[lukkucairi]

Good King Wenceslas - svengali pedophile with a kink for frostbite

[lukkucairi]

The First Noel - bestiality

[trisherina]

Ding Dong Merrily on High - WEED!

Angels We Have Heard on High, anyone?

P.S. I agree with Marcus' friend. It's a date rape song.

[funkytuba]

O Come All Ye Faithful - could be so many things
--midwinter fertility rite
--orgy night at the rectory welcoming the new guy
--manger fetishists anonymous meeting

[Marcus Bales]

I agree with Marcus' friend. It's a date rape song.

Seriously? On what grounds? The woman comes over to his house ("I've been hoping you'd drop by") and then gives a series of really bad reasons to leave, all involving what other people might think, and having nothing to do with what she herself wants or thinks, all the while agreeing to stay a few minutes more for a series of equally bad reasons to stay. This is certainly a sexually-charged song, but date rape? Not a chance.

[trisherina]

^^^ Dickweed

[Marcus Bales]

Nice.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=dickweed

[Hyakujo's Fox]

my dick in a box - regarding the funeral of Richard Nixon

[Marcus Bales]

Not only does the girl come over to his house, but she leaves without having sex at all, much less getting raped; here are the lyrics:

Baby It's Cold Outside
Frank Loesser

I really can't stay
(but baby it's cold outside)
I've got to go away
(but baby it's cold outside)
This evening has been
(been hoping that you'd drop in)
So very nice
(i'll hold your hands, they're just like ice)

My mother will start worry
(beautiful whats your hurry)
My father will be pacing the floor
(listen to the fireplace roar)
So really i'd better scurry
(beautiful please don't hurry)
but maybe just a half a drink more
(put some records on while i pour)

the neighbors might faint
(baby it's bad out there)
say what's in this drink
(no cabs to be had out there)
i wish i knew how
(your eyes are like starlight now)
to break this spell
(i'll take your hat, your hair looks swell)

i ought to say "no, no, no sir"
(mind if i move in closer)
at least i'm gonna say that i tried
(what's the sense in hurtin' my pride)
i really can't stay
(oh baby don't hold out)

both:baby it's cold out side

i simply must go
(but baby it's cold outside)
the answer is no
(but baby it's cold outside)
your welcome has been
(how lucky that you droped in)
so nice and warm
(look out the window at that storm)

my sister will be suspicious
(gosh your lips look delcious)
my brother will be there at the door
(waves upon the tropical shore)
my maiden aunts mind is vicious
(gosh your lips are delicous)
but maybe just a cigarette more
(never such a blizzard before)

i've gotta get home
(but baby you'd freeze out there)
say lend me a coat
(it's up to your knees out there)
you've really been grand
(i thrill when you touch my hand)
but don't you see?
(how can you do this thing to me?)

there's bound to be talk tomorrow
(think of my lifelong sorrow)
at least there will be plenty implied
(if you got namonia and died)
i really can't stay
(get over that old out)

both:baby it's cold
baby it's cold outside

Are you basing the whole 'date rape' thing on the line 'Say, what's in this drink?"? -- because of course in the 50s when this song was written there were no 'roofies', and the 'what's in this drink?' question would have been about how much alcohol, how strongly made the drink was, not about a suspicion that there was Rohypnol in it.

[Hyakujo's Fox]

but she leaves without having sex at all

OR DOES SHE?!

[Hyakujo's Fox]

Baby It's Cold Outside - Climate Change Denial

[lukkucairi]

The Wassail Song - regarding the choosing of the next dictionary game word.

[lukkucairi]

We Three Kings of Orient Are - the "Axis of Evil."

[lukkucairi]

I Saw Three Ships - conquistadors and the Spanish Inquisition in the new world

[trisherina]

Seriously? On what grounds? The woman comes over to his house ("I've been hoping you'd drop by") and then gives a series of really bad reasons to leave, all involving what other people might think, and having nothing to do with what she herself wants or thinks, all the while agreeing to stay a few minutes more for a series of equally bad reasons to stay. This is certainly a sexually-charged song, but date rape? Not a chance.

Good grief. No, NOT seriously. Date rape wasn't much of a song theme in Dean Martin's heyday, however frequently he may have committed it. It is, however, clearly a song about the whole "no means no" issue, and while its overall treatment is upbeat, the fact that people persistently believe, both within themselves and in interpreting the communication of others, that no doesn't really mean no in the same way around romance as it does around the offer of a third helping of turkey or an offer to inject someone with cortisone to relieve their pain, contains the root of why we end up with one person claiming rape while another claims consensual acts after a one on one "dating" encounter.

Now, if you don't mind, I'd be happy to return the thread to the lighthearted spirit I assume it was intended to observe. On reflection, however, I'd love to see the song about persuading someone to take the cortisol. P.S. WTF is "namonia?"

[monkeyknifightz]

Judge Dread - Christmas In Dreadland

Oi stink up!