Pave Paradise

[nycwriters]

.

[Brynn]

You know, I'm really just trying to push all the porn threads to another page so I don't have to look at them paving over our fiction project paradise here. They depress me a little.

I invite you to do the same, and if we all randomly resurrect some old neglected but worthwhile threads every day, maybe we can tidy this place up a little with relatively no effort :)

This particular thread does not seem to be serving much purpose otherwise.
Let's put on a play!

[Brynn]

Brynn: Good idea Brynn! I've got a barn and a golden paper mache' dragon's head left over from a "Multnomah Days" parade float! Can we use that?

Brynn (to herself): You bet we can, Brynn! That's not your real name, is it?

Brynn: Why do you ask? Hey, who's that eavesdropping behind the couch!

Ron Price: It's me! Surprise! Can I be in the play? Can I?

Brynn: Um, well, we haven't figured out all the details yet, Ron.

Ron: Who's "we" ? Is there someone else in here?

Brynn: Actually, yes. We're all hiding and playing a really fun game so why don't you go hide too?

Ron: Okay!!!! (he starts to run off towards the barn)

Brynn: Olly olly oxen free! OLLY OLLY OXEN FRREEEEEE!

Ron: (turning back, out of breath) Hey wait a minute, you just told me to go hide...

Brynn: Not you, Ron. I meant everyone else. We're all going to go look for you as soon as you hide, so HURRY! While you're gone, we'll talk about the play, okay?????

Craig Johnston: Hey brynn! I heard your idea about doing a play in the barn! I've got some rope and I can do stunts!

Brynn: Oh yes, that will be brilliant! But please, I really prefer it if you would always capitalize my name, okay? I'm going to be the star of the play. Let's find Brightpearl. I'll bet she has a costume with sequins.

Craig Johnston: Why?

Brynn: Because she does, I just know it.

Craig Johnston: No, why always capitalize your name? I'm not sure if I can always do that. that's not your real name is it?

Brynn: there you go again. you missed another capital and now I'm doing it.


Brightpearl (running up excitedly):

[Brynn]

Brightpearl: (running up excitedly) Hey, did you just see that? As soon as you got all the porn grouped at the bottom of the page, then another one popped up and ruined the effect!

Brynn: (sadly) I know. I know. I feel like crying. I can't do it by myself!

Brightpearl: Here, do some yoga for a minute.

Brynn: Okay. (does the sun salutation, the only yoga she knows) Good. Now, what's the play going to be about?

Xfox: Hi everybody! You'll never guess what just happened.

Brynn, CJ and Brightpearl: What?

[Brynn]

XFox: My relative, HFox, just posted something in "two words." We are not alone.

All: No way!

XFox: Way!

Brynn: I had no idea the two of you were related.

[Brynn]

Zero: (saunters over in a horse costume): What's up?

Brynn: We did it! All the spam threads have been pushed to the next page except for one. Now we can put on a play. You can be the horse!

Zero: I can't be ars--

Brynn: I know but you have no choice. You're in it already. All we have to do is wait for the rest of the cast. Has T.I.P. left Paris yet? I've been busy and need to catch up on everything.

Brightpearl: We need sponsors. Let's do product placement for Auntie's soap because it's getting close to the holidays.

Auntie:

[Brynn]

Brynn: She's not saying anything. She thinks I'm an idiot for doing this. Or drunk or something.

Auntie:
I do not. I think you're a genius for getting that last porn thread off the first page.

Brynn: (flattered) Thank you Auntie. Not to be falsely modest, but there is one more that would take too much trouble and I'd be pushing a lot of fun threads off the page if I did this anymore.

Auntie: The important thing is that you tried. Here, have a free bar of my soap.

Brynn: Why thank you!!! I'll put it in the play!

Trisherina and Tunesmith: What the hell is going on here?

Brynn:I'm being silly. Where have you been?

[trisherina]

Brynn: She's not saying anything. She thinks I'm an idiot for doing this. Or drunk or something.

Auntie:
I do not. I think you're a genius for getting that last porn thread off the first page.

Brynn: (flattered) Thank you Auntie. Not to be falsely modest, but there is one more that would take too much trouble and I'd be pushing a lot of fun threads off the page if I did this anymore.

Auntie: The important thing is that you tried. Here, have a free bar of my soap.

Brynn: Why thank you!!! I'll put it in the play!

Trisherina and Tunesmith: What the hell is going on here?

Brynn:I'm being silly. Where have you been?

Tunesmith: We were watching Robot Chicken. There was this one part, it was so funny...

trisherina: Chicken! I'm hungry. Is there anything to eat?

[Brynn]

Odbe enters, resplendent in a glittering white dress left over from her beauty pageant days, carrying a huge basket of fresh hot buttered cornbread.

Odbe:

[Hyakujo's Fox]

Tunesmith: Oh cornbread!

[trisherina]

Odbe: Oh my gosh! I love cornbread!

[Brynn]

Odbe: Yes, it's true, everyone. I love it. I do so love cornbread. It's my mother's recipe. I saved it from the shipwreck.

[Hyakujo's Fox]

Tunesmith: Oh shipwreck

[trisherina]

Xfox: Has it occurred to you people to try johnnycake?

[trisherina]

Auntie: Let's melt down some of my soap to use as a topping.

[Brynn]

Odbe moves gracefully over to the glass staircase that 12" Razormix built while everyone was talking and began to sing her story of the shipwreck and the johnnycake with melted soap topping.

Everyone: Bravo! Encore! Encore!

[Hyakujo's Fox]

Ron: (from offstage) I'm not saying I'm definitely in here, but maybe you should check the barn.

[trisherina]

T.I.P: OM NOM NOM NOM!

[Brynn]

Brynn: Okay everybody, this is going great. this is going to be the best play ever in the whole wide world. Keep on acting it out. I have to go to the bathroom so be sure to make Ron write everything down if he ever comes back so I won't miss anything!

[trisherina]

Odbe: (stopping song abruptly) Did she just say I was acting out?

[Brynn]

Brynn reenters with toilet paper stuck to her shoe.

Brynn: okay I'm back. what happened? anything? Did CJ capitalize my name yet? You didn't tell ron he had a part did you?

Trisherina: Brynn, you've got to stop writing your own dialogue. It's not fair and you'll end up with a shallow role with absolutely no perspective. And you know I'm right.

Brynn:Okay, well, we'll see how that goes, but I better get lots of lines because it's my idea and I thought of it and everything and I pushed all those spam threads off of page one and

All: (wearily) We know. :rolleyes:

Now be quiet, Odbe is still singing. She's getting offended and we don't blame her

[Brynn]

Odbe: that was an awful lot to say in unison. May I continue?

Brynn: Hyakujo's Fox, XFox's brother, said you were acting out. Not me. It was while I was out of the room. Or so I heard.

[trisherina]

T.I.P.: Sing it!

Odbe: (picking up skirts and tapping toes): Now, life on the farm...

Brynn: I just had to interrupt because I have some dialogue I didn't write myself!

Tunesmith: Shhhh! Do you hear that?

[Brynn]

In the background, brynn starts laughing uncontrollably and has to excuse herself to go to the bathroom again

Craig Johnston: Er - m-maybe we can listen to something else now. Wait a minute - ! What's that on the horizon? Is that an ice cream truck?

They all turn to see Marcus Bales driving up in a cardboard truck dressed as an ice cream salesman.

Trisherina: There'd better be chocolate.

Brightpearl: (sotto voce) I'm not so sure you want what he's got stocked...

[trisherina]

Marcus Bales: I'm your ice cream man, stop me when I'm passing by.
I'm your ice cream man, stop me when I'm passing by.
See now all my flavours are guaranteed to satisfy!

[Brynn]

the entire crowd in front of the barn begins to clap and hum along in four part harmony

ALL:We scream we're screaming for cornbread ice creaming!

Marcus Bales: (chanting elegantly, a la Rex Harrison)
My epicurean delight is guaranteed to fright...

All: We cream, we're creaming for ice cream that's dreaming...

Marcus Bales I've got "Rusty Nails" and "Garden Slime Snails!"

Ron (offstage) That's disgusting, but I do get it. It's not supposed to be like regular ice cream, right? am I right? A bit of fun, heh heh, chuckle. I'm considering a footnote about it in my book that I'm writing.
I'm in the barn.

[Anna]

hey gang, sup?

[Brynn]

Anna is greeted with delighted trills of pleasure, but before she can speak...

Topcat enters
Topcat: I'm the tip tip tippiest Topcat of all Topcats! I heard you were putting on a play without me, and I don't care!

Jack Flanders enters right behind him

Jack Flanders hey topcat, how's it going?

TopcatI'm bored. did you get flooded out again?

Jack Flanders No, that's only in the other three seasons. I get a break for Christmas, so i've decided to relandscape my entire yard with aquatic plants.

TopcatGood idea.

Jack Flanders I know!

Topcat does not reply

Jack Flanders I said, I know!
(she looks confused. topcat has disappeared before her eyes).

Brynn, masquerading as Trisherina to avoid the appearance of hogging the dialogue: hey Jack, you want to be in the play?

Jack Flanders sure, why not? Just make sure you've got the right dirt. I can't do anything without the right dirt, but you probably know that.

Madasacutsnake enters with some cute baby goats

Madasacutsnake: I have goats, and I'll use them if I have to, so everybody better watch themselves.

Everyone crowds around to see her adorable baby goats, forgetting all about Marcus Bales' musical number.

Marcus Bales: quickly mumbling to himselfGoat, moat, stoat, gloat, de-boat - no, one would have to disembark from a boat, I suppose, but I'm sure I could find a way to make it scan...
He clears his throat...

[Anna]

oh, sorry, shhhh! [tip toes and sits in the corner]

[Brynn]

Jaime, who has also sneaked in, gently pulls her to the fore and gives her an encouraging pat on the arm and a friendly wink.

Anna: (encouraged and emboldened) Hey everyone, guess what?

All turn to Anna and immediately fall to their knees to worship her goddess-like qualities. She begins to glow and rise into the air, everyone fueled by her gracious humility and cleverness.

Anna What's everyone looking at?

Everyone is magically transported to a series of front-row tables in the heart of the Moulin Rouge, where she is center stage, adorned in diamonds. she is singing in french as T.I.P., dressed as a waiter, delivers drinks before going up on stage to accompany her on his EXPERIMENTAL electronic sound mixing thing that I don't know the name for.

Zero: (sotto voce, taking Brynn aside) Brynn, this bread is a lovely homage to my own bread that no one can locate right now called "the thread in which we make things up about each other" and I'm very flattered and pleased to see that you're doing your best to do a good job imitating it...

Brynn: Really? I think up till now it was just unconscious, but now that you mention it...

Zero: Of course. I especially like the light of la lune that magically envelopes the darkened room. Well done!

Trisherina: I see an aureole around it!

All gasp in admiration and turn their attention once again to Anna...

Anna:

[Brynn]

Anna breaks into a beautiful, sad song about how lovely things used to be once upon a time, and has the room misty-eyed with nostalgia when all of a sudden...

Authorntaukat: TAKE IT OFF, BABY! HI NEW MEMBER HERE I"VE GOT YOUR NUMBER 1 SIZE DOES MATTERS!

There is a stunned silence.

Brightpearl: Crapweasles.

Darkness descends and a foul odor fills the room. Ron wanders in, hay sticking to his v-neck sweater.

Ron: You never found me. How come nobody looked for me?

A laser beam suddenly shoots out of Authorntuhkat's bloodshot eyes and cuts Ron's big toe off. He howls in pain as all rush to aid him. They only get within a few feet before the monster starts wildly shooting random beams around the room, setting a red velvet curtain on fire, breaking 12'' razormix's glass staircase. Baby goats bleat piteously.

Hyakujo's Fox: Oh spam

Brynn weeps. 12" razormix comes out from behind a piano and wordlessly wraps her in her embrace.

12" Razormix: There there, there there. Go to sleep. We must keep concentrates on it.

Brynn:F-F-Frieda. I w-w-want Frieda.

All except Authorntuhcat: Where's Frieda? She's our only hope...

Topcat: This is corny.

Jack Flanders :)

Brynn: And that's The End! Good job everybody. Let's make another play tomorrow! I get to be the costume designer and the director, though. And the spot light operator if we get some lights. Maybe somebody famous will show up. I've met a lot of famous people. I'm so cool and I know everything because i used to live in Hollywood. Maybe we can get Ze to come! Maybe Mic will land his spaceship on my dad's field. I've got to go home now.

Craig Johnston: That was fun, brynn!

Master Jedi (entering) That was the best play ever, and I just got here.

Everyone : (ad-libbing)Yeah Brynn, that was really fun. Thanks Brynn! You're amazing! Bye Ron. See you tomorrow. I miss Smartypants. We should do a play about that actress who played "Pat" that's his sister-in-law now, etc. A happy ending next time, okay Brynn? That was great, and funny too, what fun, etc.
All exuent

[Frieda]

Frieda walks in, with a sigh and looking very depressed.

Frieda: let's not push all the spam to the next page because this way, it will take at least 5 minutes to fish out all the spam messages! i really don't like spending 5 minutes deleting spam if i can do it in 30 seconds.

[Anna]

anna falls to the floorin a heap, BrightPearl reaches into her bag and starts passing out tomatos, enters David Hasselhoff.

David Hasselhoff: Looks at Frieda relieved and smiles.T.I.P. begins to play Tchaikovsky Piano Concerto No. 1 in B flat minor Op 23. There you are my little flower, the sunrise to my sunset, the yin to my yang, the light that cures my darkness, I am Odin at your beck and call and I've been looking for you everywhere!

Frieda:

[Brynn]

Frieda: Hi David! Now i won't be sad and depressed because you and I are here, all alone together. Will you help me delete porn spam? I love you so much and I'm so happy to finally meet you in person. David, what's - what's wrong?

[Anna]

David looking down and sullen trying to tie his shoe with out using his hands

David Hasselhoff: Oh, Frieda it’s, well, it’s You Tube. No! No! NO! I can’t talk about it any more! Let’s you and I run away together to some tropical island, far away from the chaos and craziness of this maddening crazy sort of thing here. I’ll leave my empty Las Vegas hotel room and you leave the SPAM. What do you say Frieda? Are you with me?! Just you and me. Me and you, together, the both of us, in a nice place with sand and fish and some other things. What do you say love!?

[auntie aubrey]

auntie: i think i ate too much johnnycake and soap last night.

[trisherina]

madasacutsnake: Mersyndol's good for that.

[brightpearl]

craig johnston: Marmite!

hyakujo's fox: Vegemite!

TIP: You guys aren't holding your forks correctly.

Tunesmith: I am definitely the most mature person in this room.

[Marcus Bales]

Ze: Brynn, you're trying to push spam to the bottom without my permission! You're banned for 30 days!

[Anna]

Anna give a loud explosive laugh, T.I.P. shakes his head and gives Anna a disapproving look and let’s out a big sigh. Anna snaps at T.I.P.

Anna: Well it was funny, at least I thought it was funny.

Anna starts muttering under her breath about the theories of tension release through humor, then starts quoting H.L. Mencken. T.I.P puts his new pasta strainer on his head, folds his arms and looks up at sky. Auntie Aubrey's stomach starts gurgling, she winces. Hyakujo's fox reaches in his magic carpetbag and pulls out a bottle of Vegemite. Brightpearl starts munching a tomato. Brynn starts pouting. Trisherina put her arm around Brynn to comfort. Ze purses his lips, tilts his head and looks at Marcus out of the corner of his eye.

Ze: Now gang, what are we going to do about this SPAM situation? Can’t keep shoving in down to the bottom, I was a psychology major working on a Master I know these things. It’s just going to keep coming back up if you keep pushing it down, these guys are relentless. What you have to do is get to the root of the problem. Now who here has a suggestion?

Silence befalls room.

Ze: Anyone?

The sound of crickets whisper in the background.

[auntie aubrey]

auntie breaks the silence with a sudsy belch.

[Frieda]

Hasselhoff, still standing there, opens another button of his shirt and grabs his microphone

Hasselhoff (singing): OOGA CHAKKA HOOGA HOOGA OOGA CHAKKA -- i can't stop this feeling -- deep inside of me -- girl you just don't realize what you do to me

all heads turn to the Hoff. Brightpearl's mouth opens, stunned, a piece of chewed tomato drops on the floor.

[trisherina]

daverbee: Just wanted to let you all know I'm not dead! Did you save any johnnycake?

[Brynn]

The group is wordless with joy to see that daverbee has not fallen off of a steep cliff, and all but Brynn (the main character) runs over to hug him and ask him what kind of freeze-dried foods are best to take along on hikes. Brynn, however, is preoccupied with ZE.

Brynn: Wow Ze. I truly did not expect you to show up after you slapped that restraining order on me. So you really do care. No - look me in the eyes and tell me you don't care about me even just a little bit.

Ze: Look, Brynn - I - what we had was special but it's over now. Do you understand? I'd sooner vote Republican than lead you on, and I mean that affectionately.

Brynn: There - you see? "Affectionately" - !

Ze: Please, could you please just back up a minute and stop touching my face? Maybe that was a poor choice of words...

Brynn: You bought me pie at Marie Calandar's. Remember? How could you not? I'll never forget it. It was key lime. You watched me eat it. We had fun. We made deep eye contact. At the end of your emails you always said -

Ze: Listen, I didn't want to tell you this, but when I wrote "I like you best" I didn't mean you literally.

Brynn: You didn't?

Ze: I didn't. I say that to everybody. That's the joke.

Brynn: A joke. Wow. She takes a deep breath and gazes at the ground for a long while.
You mean, you never - ?

Ze: No.

Brynn: Oh my goodness. I am so embarrassed. I am so very very embarrassed right now. I mean, surely you can see why I might have - ?

Ze: I am so very sorry.

Brynn: Well, you should be. You should be ashamed! And that pre-date confidence builder thing - that wasn't for me either, I suppose? Don't answer - I see now. I see and I am so mortified with myself. I'm mortified with myself and with you and - do you see what you've done?

Ze: Yes, I do. I'm so sorry you took it that way, and believe me, I never meant -

Brynn: Well, no wonder you started acting funny. I thought it had something to do with Annie, truth be told. To think I was jealous of a cat...

Ze: There might have been a faint basis for that, but let's not get into it. The important thing is we understand each other, now.

Brynn: You know what? I feel so - so relieved! And now I am definitely going to throw that handgun into the river, I swear. You can stop worrying about that, at least. I wasn't myself, obviously. I was in love with a man who didn't have the exquisite good taste to be in love with me. How did I miss that? My husband is going to be very happy about this. And all because you finally told the truth. Do you see that? Do you see the moral of the story now?

Ze:I do. I should always tell the truth in my email sig line when it comes to crazy strangers on the internet. (Quickly) Except that I don't think you're crazy.

Brynn: Thank you. I prefer the phrase "willfully gullible."

Ze: Fine. That's the phrase I will use with you from now on. If we ever speak this way again, I mean. If you know what I mean.

Brynn: I do. Yes. It might be best if we pretend we don't speak. I am so totally over you now that I know you definitely do not love me. No offense, but it's kind of a turn-off, frankly. You're certainly diminished in my eyes. You don't seem quite so wonderful to me now.

Ze: I'm so glad to hear that. I guess I can lift that ban on you as a gesture of good will.

Brynn: Thanks. Good. This has been good. So do you want to be in my play or not? Because if you don't, then maybe you should go invent something clever, or go start a new online community or something - ? Or hang out, whatever. I mean, hah ha it's your place after all. I don't see why we can't keep things civil, right?

Ze: I agree. I'll hang for a bit, okay?

Brynn: Sure, of course. Hang away. I can't think of anything else for you to say, but please, feel free to - you know. Everybody? (Claps hands briskly) What's going on? Why has the play stopped? Is anybody writing any of this down? What are you all - what, just standing around gawking? This scene is over. Who's in charge of props? We need some props here. I just did a whole thing without props! What's going on here? Has anybody heard from Eddie Izzard yet? Is he coming to see this or what? Didn't anyone go to pick him up at the airport?

[Anna]

Anna steps over to the couch and fans Brynn's face with a script… Brynn is making little barking noises.

Anna: Hey, Brynn Wake up!

Angry Kid Hoyt walks over to the couch

Angry Kid Hoyt: What’s she doing?

Anna shrugs

Anna: Dreaming again.

Angry Kid Hoyt: Is she drooling?

Anna winces at the kid, then calls louder

Anna: BRYNN, WAKE UP!

[Hyakujo's Fox]

Brynn: (mumbling) I've got to get to the airport.

(Angry Kid Hoyt hands Anna a glass of water)

Angry Kid Hoyt: Here, throw this on her.

Anna: You throw it.

Angry Kid Hoyt: That would violate my parole conditions.

Brynn: (mumbling still) He's arriving on the 2:15 duck. C'mon Ze!

Anna: Oky I'll throw it.

[Anna]

Anna holds the glass ready to throw, but stops short

Anna: Wait!

Angry Kid Hoyt: What, are you chicken?

Anna: No, get the camera!

Brynn continues to mumble, "I certainly do not look like Condi Rice!"

Anna: Hurry!

Lukkucairi walks by

Lukkucairi : What are you two agents provocateurs up to?

Anne: Bynn's dreaming again. She won't wake up. I'm going to toss the water. The kid went to get the camera.

Lukkucairi rubs her chin and thinks a bit...

Lukkucairi : hmmm.... I've got a Sharpie.

Brynn continues mumbling, "I said put the toilet paper down!"

[brightpearl]

dream sequence
Ze: You've stepped on my microscopic crunchy mice. Again. (sighs)

Brynn attempts to feign remorse.
end sequence

Brightpearl exits to pick up Eddie Izzard at airport. Just in case. She brings a mouse, a cat, and a monkey with her.

[Anna]

Brynn lying still, but pouting. Lukkucairi takes a few steps back, cocks her head to the left and admires her work. Zero clip clops next to her

Lukkucairi: What do you think?

Zero: She looks like Groucho. Why is her hair wet?

Lukkucairi: That’s exactly what I was going for. Success!

Lukkucairi throws her hands up in victory and marches off.
Zero studies Brynn carefully, taps her on the shoulder

Zero: ssst, Brynn dear. Wake up.

Byrnn wakens, sits up fast and looks confused.

Brynn: Wh... Wh... What happen?

Zero: I think you’ve come down with an incurable disease.

Brynn gasps

Brynn: What do you mean?

Zero: I believe it is called Spamatosis.

Brynn: Spamatosis? What on earth is that?!

Zero: Oh come now, you haven’t heard of Spamatosis? mm… perhaps it’s best you speak with an expert on the matter. I’m not exactly sure of all the particular and technical terms of the disease, but I’ve read that the malady can be deadly if not checked. There is, however, an expert on the subject right here on this board.

Brynn: The chicken?

Zero: heh, no, silly girl, the chicken is an expert on more enlightened matters. I’m talking about…

All of the sudden there is loud and shrill music in the air. It’s the score from the movie Psycho. AllegroNg enters, yelling


AllegroNg: What do you think Brynn, isn’t it fantastic! Hey, what’s that on your face?

Brynn yells back

Brynn: What, The Music? I Can’t Hear Myself Think.

AllegroNg yelling back

AllegroNg: It’s The Soundtrack To Your Life. Anything That Happens To You From Here On Out Will Be Accompanied By Music. Day And Night, Night And Day, From The Time You Wake Until You Go To Sleep! Isn’t It Great?!

Brynn: It’s a little loud don't you think?

AllegroNg: WHAT?!

Brynn: IT IS A LIT TLE LOUD!

AllegroNg: I STILL HAVE TO ADJUST THE VOLUME. THINK QUIET HAPPY THOUGHTS, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK!

AllegroNg skips off. Brynn tries to think quiet happy thoughts, the music softens. Zero pulls out a new pack of Beemans and unwraps the foil. Looking at Brynn

Zero: Gum?

[Brynn]

Brynn: Will it magically dissolve my Groucho moustache? No? I thought not, she said bitterly.

Zero: Who "said bitterly" ?

Brynn takes two pieces of the proffered gum, quickly unwraps them and carelessly tosses the papers and foil to the ground. Then, holding one piece in each hand, she takes alternating bites
out of them to rhythmically emphasize her words)

Brynn:I did. Just now. And it's. Too true.

Zero: Please don't be bitter. It really doesn't suit you. And please don't speak in third person. It's truly annoying, and no offense, but you do it all the time.

Brynn: Thank you for being honest, Zero. I appreciate the feedback. SHE SAID BITTERLY. You would be bitter too if you had indelible marker over your upper lip. So bitter that....that...bitterthat....sorry, I've - I've got a lot of gum in my mouth, I got distracted and forgot what I was going to say...

Zero: Maybe you should spit out half your gum, would that make it better?

Brynn:[/B] Yes.

Zero: Well then. Right over there by that twisty root, that ought to do it.

Brynn: Here?

Zero: No, the other one.

Brynn:What difference does it make?

Zero:No difference. I just changed my mind.

Brynn:Look, I'm just burying it.

Zero :But do you feel better now? You do, don't you?

Brynn:It's true, I do. If I really look at it carefully, this moustache that's got me upset right now - it is beautifully rendered. The lines appear to be scribbled in haste, but if you look closer, it's far more intricate than that. Lukku'cairi's an artist. Nothing she does is predictable - and the magic of that is what makes us all so happy to be here. Not just in this play, but in our kitchens and bedrooms and sitting rooms or library or holding our cell phones or waiting for a bus or waiting for them to finally come to their senses and recognize that you have something special and yes you should be promoted to asst. manager!
I mean, - shhh - no, be quiet - let me finish. This is what I really mean - if I were an eight-year-old boy wishing I could grow a moustache, and then magically I wake up one day and - wonder of wonders, zing! I have a moustache drawn on my face, and I have no idea where it came from....?! Wow! I run to check it out in the mirror. I turn this way and that. Looking at it helps me to imagine what I'd look like when I became a man - that would be nothing less than magic in it's purest, unadulterated joy. Maybe the moustache is something that promises that, for the time being anyway (if not from now on), other amazing unpredictable things are going to happen to me, this eight year old boy. So Lukku has packed me off on a little imaginary vacation to someplace balmy where fun things happen - she packs all of this into her gesture that, I realize now, honors my face with it's vibrant mark. And the fact that I'm a woman and not an eight year old boy is what makes the gesture particularly powerful and poignant. Lukku is trying to tell me and her audience to discover their inner boy.I am never washing this off.
(Modestly shrugs)I mean, it's just how I see it. You might see it differently....

Zero:(sardonically) Maybe she'll sign it for you.

Brynn:(wistfully)That would be something.(pause) I need to turn the light off...


Anna enters timidly.
Anna: (shyly but urgently) You're outside by a barn, remember?. Where do you want the light switch?
Brynn, who has been searching the bark of trees for a hidden light switch, does not see her. Anna (politely) starts to back out.

Brynn: Suddenly seeing her Anna! Anna! Guess what? I had this dream about you! I dreamed that you were dreaming that I was dreaming about this weird conversation I had with Ze.

Anna::rolleyes:

Brynn:And then you saved me from going over a cliff! I had been backing up and he was advancing and I was getting too close to the edge of the cliff and you snapped your fingers and the whole thing turned in an amazing room full of saris and sequins. Rose, yellow, purple, gold. And everyone was there, drinking Turkish coffee and taking turns belly dancing.

Anna: You won't believe this, but I dreamed that too! Except that the saris were different colors.And there was no Turkish coffee. There was a stone bowl of pomegranate juice. No coffee. Beers, empty beer bottles all over. Lukku and Brightpearl were waiting tables. They always pooled their tips together.

A bright spotlight suddenly focuses it's beam upon Anna's face. She blinks uncomfortably and shades her eyes from its glare, but gradually grows more and more confident beneath it's blinding gaze. Anna clears her throat and begins again).

Anna: I think about them sometimes. I close my laptop and climb the ladder to my loft and I look out at the skylight through the scuffs and smudges to try and see some stars, but the orange lights of the city are too bright and all I can see of something that might be a star is very very faint. And then I imagine that I'm someone else entirely. I work in a restaurant. I'm someone who makes friends easily and has lots of girlfriends and pools her tips with -
A light appears on the other side of the stage. We see Brightpearl silhouetted against the lights that are illuminating the painting of a local artist in what appears to be a very expensive, exclusive restaurant. we can just make out that she's wearing a name tag that says "Gina". It's pinned onto a classic white polo button-down and khaki pants with a faded green bib apron. She has a genial, gentle face. She is sitting at one of the empty tables, finishing the beer that the bartender (played by Daverbee) gave her from behind the bar, and triumphantly counting out her tips.

Brightpearl (Gina): (raising her voice a little towards the door marked "ladies room")$300. Just under three hundred.
Lukku (as Aracely, from behind the closed door): It was mostly you. I didn't do all that.

Gina: Yes you did. We're a good team. I don't turn them as fast as you do, and that's a critical element, you know. And I really hate to open and pour the wine bottles. You're good at that, and that's the most important because that's where all the real money is - getting them to keep ordering wine.

Aracely: I'm almost ready.
She emerges from the bathroom. Draped over her arm is a white shirt, tan khaki pants, faded green apron, and a large droopy purse. She is stunningly beautiful, with dark hair and bright red lipstick.
I can't keep taking your tips. It's not right. I'm running out of ways to thank you, and it sucks.

Gina : So pay me back someday if you feel so bad about it! Sometimes I just want to shake you. Why can't you ever just take help when you need it?

The phone rings. Daverbee the bartender, who has been occasionally glancing over thoughtfully at Gina and then discreetly looking away from her just as she almost catches him looking at her. He's been cleaning a last few glasses. He answers the phone.

Dave the Bartender: Parker's. Hold on. I'll see if she's still here.
He covers the phone and quietly asks Aracely -
Do you want to talk to him or should I tell him you don't work here anymore?

Aracely: Tell him I'll talk to him as soon as the war's over.

Dave the Bartender: (into phone) I'm afraid you've missed her. Can I take a message? Yes. Hmmm. Got it. Are you sure that's how you want to word it? I have no idea how she would take that. Leave me out of it. I'm sorry I said anything, believe me.

Aracely:Gimme the phone.

Gina and Dave join each other at the end of the bar to listen discreetly to the conversation. Dave lovingly opens another beer for Gina, which she largely ignores as she stands there, embarrassed but focused on the phone.

Aracely (Lukku):

[Anna]

Aracely (Lukku): Rico! I told you not to call me here, what’s wrong with you?! (Gina and Dave continue to listen in on her call) Tienes piedras en tu cabeza! Ava Maria! !¿Su madre le crió en un orzuelo del cerdo?!

Aracely turns around and shoots Gina and Dave a look of, ‘mind your own business.’ Dave looks down at the glasses in the sink and starts washing. Gina sits on a bar stool and takes a sip of her beer.

Gina: Wow. (she wipes her mouth with her sleeve)

Dave: Wow what?

Gina: I didn’t know she could speak Spanish, did you?

Dave: Now I do.

There’s a silent pause

Dave: (Still washing, he stops for a moment. Mustering up the courage to start a conversation with Gina, he clears his throat, his voice cracks) So, um, what (he adjust his pants, lowers his voice) um, what are your planes for this evening?

Gina: (leaning, her left elbow on the bar resting her head on her hand. She gazes wistfully into her beer while fiddling with a bar umbrella) I don’t know, I guess I’ll work on my project.

Dave: What’s your project?

Gina: Knitting.

Dave: Ah, what are you knitting?

Gina: A map of the world.

Dave: Whoa, that’s quite a project.

Gina: Yeah, to scale.

Dave: I see.

Dave backs away from the sink.

Dave: I, um, have to go over there, (he points randomly) if you need anything um, just yell.

Gina continues fiddling unaware of the look on Dave's face and the change in his demeanor.

Gina: k.

Dave scratches his head and walks over to the refrigerator. Gina stares into her beer watching the bubbles float to the top. Aracely’s voice picks up in the background.

Aracely: Are you crazy?! You’re out of your mind! I told you for the last time, I am not driving a bus through the Embassy!

Aracely slams the phone down and let’s out a huge yell.

Aracely: Ugh! I swear that man is crazy! Loco!

Gina looks on with sympathetic eyes. Dave offers Aracely a shot of tequila. Aracely swigs the tequila like a soldier going off to war then slams the glass down on the bar.

Aracely: Ahh, mmm, Barkeep gimme another!

Dave: Right up!

Dave pours Aracely another shot of tequila.

Dave: Want the worm?

Aracely: Sure, pour that critter in there!

Aracely swigs the second shot, worm and all. Panting she starts to weave. She drops her arms to her sides, the glass falls from her hand to the floor, she turns stiff legged towards the bar facing Dave, her eyes begin to cross, slowly she falls forward her head landing on the bar with a thud. She is bent over head resting on the bar, her arms dangling. Gina drops her jaw. Dave grabs Aracely’s shoulders. They both carry her over to the couch.

Lights fade. End scene…

[brightpearl]

The lights come up on Stephi B cleaning a disassembled sniper's rifle with uncanny precision. She is wearing pleather boots and a 1950's cocktail dress made out of Saran Wrap.

Gina enters.

Gina: Stephi, you've got to do something about that Rico. He's going to drive Aracely mad, and I can't survive next summer without another Burning Man project. I heard she's thinking of making an aardvark next time.

Stephi stubs out her cigarette in the center of the largest bloom on the enormous potted rosebush in the corner. It emits a faint scream.

Stephi: Payment?

Gina: A very unusual diamond.

Stephi: (laughing scornfully) I have more carats than I could ever spend already.

Gina: Not like this one. Three carats. It's pink. And it's faceted in the shape of a Moebius strip.

Stephi: In that case, Aracely's worries are over.