PDA

View Full Version : unfortunate cookies


brightpearl
01-28-2008, 05:23 PM
The other day a friend of mine was telling about the worst fortune she ever received from a cookie:

"All is not lost. Yet."

brightpearl
01-28-2008, 05:24 PM
You will soon meet a talk, dark, and homicidal stranger.

brightpearl
01-28-2008, 05:25 PM
Wear clean underwear next Tuesday. I'm just saying.

lukkucairi
01-28-2008, 05:54 PM
the hunan pork was not a good idea.

Angry Kid Hoyt
01-28-2008, 07:02 PM
"Avoid caged monkies"

Hyakujo's Fox
01-28-2008, 07:10 PM
No one is interested in your "project".

Hyakujo's Fox
01-28-2008, 07:16 PM
Even when things seem to be going well, you will have spinach in your teeth.

Hyakujo's Fox
01-28-2008, 08:21 PM
May contain nuts.

brightpearl
01-28-2008, 08:25 PM
You should have put that thread in the Fiction Project.

Hyakujo's Fox
01-29-2008, 03:01 AM
You can't have your cake and eat it too, so why not try one of our delicious lo-cal banana fritters?

brightpearl
01-29-2008, 03:04 AM
You will date a woman with an afro far superior to yours.

Hyakujo's Fox
01-29-2008, 03:07 AM
A wise man will not reveal his interest in sourcing women's apparel.

Hyakujo's Fox
01-29-2008, 03:10 AM
I'd lay off the cookies if I were you, chubbs.

Brynn
01-29-2008, 04:37 AM
this may be your very last cookie

lukkucairi
01-29-2008, 11:58 AM
he's just not right for you, you know.

brightpearl
01-29-2008, 08:14 PM
You'll never learn to converse credibly about wine.

brightpearl
01-29-2008, 08:15 PM
Chin up -- Chapped lips are a virtue in some countries.

lukkucairi
01-29-2008, 09:44 PM
you will continue to exist in your broken marriage until the last dregs of love are drained from the shattered cup of your relationship.

T.I.P.
01-30-2008, 12:55 AM
we hope you enjoyed this crunchy protein filled cookie made from real cockroaches

Stephi_B
01-31-2008, 12:51 PM
You must be really desperate to resort to cookie advice and you don't want to hear the rest of your personal lot because you are in suicidal mood anyway.

Marcus Bales
02-01-2008, 07:39 PM
Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese cookie factory!

brightpearl
02-02-2008, 12:45 AM
The guy behind you has scabies.

brightpearl
02-02-2008, 12:46 AM
Your life wouldn't be any better if you stopped smoking and lost weight.

Hyakujo's Fox
02-02-2008, 09:44 AM
Maybe she's just like that.

lukkucairi
02-02-2008, 02:33 PM
you are an insurance salesman at heart

Hyakujo's Fox
02-03-2008, 12:02 AM
You will spend too much time on the internet this weekend.

brightpearl
02-03-2008, 11:24 AM
You will soon choose a hairstyle that is unflattering.

Earthling
02-03-2008, 02:23 PM
Cat meat increases libido. No MSG.

seebe
02-04-2008, 12:09 PM
When your time comes, the end will be with osteoporosis, Depends, bad eyesight, and a nasty disposition. But look at the bright side, you will also have alzheimers so you won't remember any of it.

lukkucairi
02-04-2008, 01:12 PM
there's a giant tongue in your toilet.

Hyakujo's Fox
02-04-2008, 07:27 PM
Nothing interesting.

xfox
02-05-2008, 11:30 AM
Look no further.

lukkucairi
02-05-2008, 01:40 PM
it doesn't get any better than this

Marcus Bales
02-05-2008, 05:40 PM
You've won this round of The Dictionary Game.

lukkucairi
02-06-2008, 02:09 AM
she sees through you, and she's bored.

Marcus Bales
02-06-2008, 10:27 AM
Your cat is a space alien

Stephi_B
02-06-2008, 02:57 PM
Good you are well insured against most calamities.

lukkucairi
02-06-2008, 03:34 PM
don't forget your knee brace

Hyakujo's Fox
02-06-2008, 07:30 PM
You're so gullible you probably think this fortune's about you.

Marcus Bales
02-08-2008, 08:12 AM
You always hurt the one you love.

seebe
02-08-2008, 09:37 AM
Your inlaws think their child could have done better.

brightpearl
02-08-2008, 05:21 PM
Your fauxhawk is unconvincing.

brightpearl
02-08-2008, 06:30 PM
The wise never order the pork in August.

Earthling
02-08-2008, 09:16 PM
May contain lead.

lukkucairi
02-08-2008, 10:02 PM
the IT guy hates you

Hyakujo's Fox
02-08-2008, 11:35 PM
the IT guy hates everyone

l'azizza
02-09-2008, 03:44 AM
Dont marry her. Buy a house.
(Stephen R. Donaldson)

T.I.P.
02-09-2008, 08:35 PM
she is with him right now

Hyakujo's Fox
02-11-2008, 07:22 PM
You're paying too much for car insurance.

Hyakujo's Fox
02-11-2008, 07:40 PM
they may tell you you can earn up to $3000 a month writing fortune cookie fortunes at home, but you'll be lucky if can pull in more than $50 - $100.

Brynn
02-12-2008, 01:20 AM
Made you look.

Odbe
02-12-2008, 05:54 AM
This cookie is poisoned. Doesn't matter if you didn't eat it. It's absorbed through the skin.

lukkucairi
02-17-2008, 05:09 PM
your series 7 exam computer will crash at question 249.

Hyakujo's Fox
02-17-2008, 07:52 PM
don't go there

Odbe
02-18-2008, 03:08 AM
There are two paths before you. Take either one; it doesn't matter. Your life will still suck.

Tunesmith
02-18-2008, 03:35 AM
I think the waitress accidentally sneezed in your lo mein. Mighta been Table 22. Couldn't really tell.

lukkucairi
02-19-2008, 03:42 PM
your long margin value is about to implode

Earthling
02-21-2008, 10:41 AM
Tasted just like chicken, didn't it?

lukkucairi
02-21-2008, 10:59 AM
he finds your hyenalike laugh to be annoying

Marcus Bales
02-22-2008, 10:54 AM
I'm afraid there has been some cosmic mixup, because this is not your fortune cookie.

lukkucairi
02-22-2008, 10:25 PM
your phone is about to ring.

don't answer it.

Marcus Bales
02-23-2008, 11:08 AM
This is a hold-up. Please put all your valuables on the table and raise your hands above your shoulders.

YsaPur EsChomuw
02-24-2008, 05:52 PM
Game over

Hyakujo's Fox
02-24-2008, 06:41 PM
What do you think I am, psychic or something?

Hyakujo's Fox
02-24-2008, 06:52 PM
if it happens, it happens

T.I.P.
02-24-2008, 06:59 PM
stop being so fawking needy

YsaPur EsChomuw
02-24-2008, 07:22 PM
Eat Me

lukkucairi
02-24-2008, 11:12 PM
don't eat me!

l'azizza
02-25-2008, 12:09 AM
Suck it.

YsaPur EsChomuw
02-25-2008, 09:05 AM
Lick your elbow! Now!

Marcus Bales
02-27-2008, 12:10 PM
Oh, bad luck! This message automatically doubles your bill.

Angry Kid Hoyt
02-27-2008, 12:18 PM
This fortune is printed on 100% recycled toilet tissue

YsaPur EsChomuw
02-27-2008, 04:47 PM
The cookie you've just eaten was made from 100% recycled toilet tissue.

Angry Kid Hoyt
02-27-2008, 04:53 PM
Touch

YsaPur EsChomuw
02-27-2008, 04:54 PM
And where's that bright yellow house next to the cemetery?

Angry Kid Hoyt
02-27-2008, 04:58 PM
Richmond, Virginia - that's in the United God Blessed States of Good 'Ol America!

YsaPur EsChomuw
02-27-2008, 05:03 PM
UGBSGOA? I'll google that. :p

YsaPur EsChomuw
02-27-2008, 05:12 PM
Don't forget to tip.

Marcus Bales
02-27-2008, 09:24 PM
While you were here I was breaking into your house and stealing your stuff.

YsaPur EsChomuw
02-28-2008, 07:23 AM
I'm standing right behind you. Mwah-ha-ha.

Marcus Bales
02-28-2008, 04:27 PM
See that girl over there? No, the pretty one. She wants you.

Veruki
02-29-2008, 01:47 AM
Congratulations! So how does it feel to have been pick-pocketed?

Hyakujo's Fox
02-29-2008, 01:54 AM
Start worrying. Details to follow.

YsaPur EsChomuw
02-29-2008, 03:55 AM
Flee, you fool!

l'azizza
02-29-2008, 05:08 AM
You have no true friends.

Hyakujo's Fox
02-29-2008, 09:15 AM
Receiving the wrong fortune cookie will set you on a path to destruction.

Marcus Bales
02-29-2008, 11:14 AM
Come here often? What's your sign?

YsaPur EsChomuw
03-01-2008, 11:42 AM
She never enjoyed it with you.

lukkucairi
03-03-2008, 11:24 AM
you just missed it...and now it's too late!

YsaPur EsChomuw
03-03-2008, 12:54 PM
He is not your son.

Marcus Bales
03-03-2008, 01:02 PM
Your date is really a cop.

YsaPur EsChomuw
03-03-2008, 01:05 PM
The cops have impounded your computer.

Stephi_B
03-03-2008, 01:16 PM
You really should see a doctor! But then again - don't waste that bit of time you still got...

Marcus Bales
03-03-2008, 01:52 PM
You. In the parking lot. With the gun.

YsaPur EsChomuw
03-03-2008, 02:01 PM
You are going blid. Can you see the following sentence:

lukkucairi
03-03-2008, 02:03 PM
your metabolism will shortly be shutting down on a permanent basis. have a nice day.

YsaPur EsChomuw
03-03-2008, 02:04 PM
Your neighbours have secretly installed a camera in your bedroom. Have fun!

Marcus Bales
03-03-2008, 02:07 PM
Got any pictures of your wife naked? Want some?

Earthling
03-03-2008, 02:54 PM
Bean sprouts..white worms...?
What's the difference. You didn't even notice, did ya'?

Earthling
03-03-2008, 02:58 PM
Fortune cookie...orange flavored crispy polystyrene...?
What the difference?

Marcus Bales
03-03-2008, 03:02 PM
You blew off the other fellow for this guy?

YsaPur EsChomuw
03-05-2008, 03:36 PM
Soon you'll be able to focus on the positive aspects of your life: your lab tests for HIV are positive.

lukkucairi
03-05-2008, 04:54 PM
don't look now, but you have a rootkit installed on your PC.

YsaPur EsChomuw
03-05-2008, 05:02 PM
You are mostly full of hot air.

Veruki
03-05-2008, 05:21 PM
It's not in your head, you are being watched.

YsaPur EsChomuw
03-05-2008, 05:26 PM
Congratulations! Your remission is over.

lukkucairi
03-05-2008, 08:12 PM
you're having a bad hair year

Hyakujo's Fox
03-05-2008, 08:35 PM
this is not a cookie

YsaPur EsChomuw
03-05-2008, 09:00 PM
Delete all cookies?

Veruki
03-05-2008, 09:02 PM
4 8 15 16 23 42

YsaPur EsChomuw
03-05-2008, 09:08 PM
You are, in fact, a cockroach.

Marcus Bales
03-05-2008, 11:10 PM
Call me Ishmael.

trisherina
03-06-2008, 02:23 AM
I bet you think this cookie's about you.

YsaPur EsChomuw
03-06-2008, 02:54 AM
You are about to encounter a life-transforming experience of a very close kind with the wheels of a truck rolling over you.

Marcus Bales
03-06-2008, 08:27 PM
You've just gained weight you'll never lose.

YsaPur EsChomuw
03-07-2008, 11:09 AM
Work's been piling up lately, but it's going to change soon. To worse.

brightpearl
03-07-2008, 12:50 PM
Look what the cat dragged in.

Marcus Bales
03-07-2008, 01:37 PM
In my day, we didn't have virtual reality. If a one-eyed razorback
barbarian warrior was chasing you with an ax, you just had to hope you
could outrun him. Look out!

Veruki
03-07-2008, 01:40 PM
Tag, you're it!

Marcus Bales
03-07-2008, 01:45 PM
Can't you see you're boring the poor girl silly with your erudite quotations from the Western canon? Give up.

YsaPur EsChomuw
03-07-2008, 02:16 PM
The people sitting at the next table are actually laughing at you. Look!

Marcus Bales
03-07-2008, 02:19 PM
I spit in your General Tso's Chicken.

YsaPur EsChomuw
03-07-2008, 02:26 PM
Lend someone a hand, an ear, or a shoulder to cry on. But to get really lucky, consider offering your kidneys or your liver. You won't last long, anyway.

Marcus Bales
03-07-2008, 03:47 PM
I know, what you really want is an Oreo, but this is all you get.

brightpearl
03-08-2008, 02:07 AM
The place where you had your rehearsal dinner will soon be turned to a 24-hour "Adult Megaplex."

This is a bad omen.

YsaPur EsChomuw
03-08-2008, 02:33 AM
You might be surprised to discover that one of your dreams is awfully close to becoming a reality, today. Well, actually, one of your nightmares.

Earthling
03-08-2008, 12:52 PM
"Man who farts in church, sits in own pew"
*I'm bored*:cool:

Marcus Bales
03-08-2008, 01:21 PM
Don't do it -- he's not into your kind of kink.

YsaPur EsChomuw
03-08-2008, 01:47 PM
Today is your chance to sneak out without paying.

Marcus Bales
03-08-2008, 03:49 PM
Your credit card was declined.

YsaPur EsChomuw
03-08-2008, 04:31 PM
Hakuma matata! So what if you can't find your house keys? Those two who left half an hour ago already found them...

Marcus Bales
03-08-2008, 04:33 PM
Never come here dressed like that again.

YsaPur EsChomuw
03-08-2008, 04:37 PM
Congrats! I believe you know that's what you were having.

Marcus Bales
03-08-2008, 04:59 PM
No fortune for you!

YsaPur EsChomuw
03-08-2008, 05:01 PM
Congratulations on your newly acquired immunodeficiency syndrome.

Marcus Bales
03-08-2008, 05:10 PM
"The time has come," Confucius say,
"To talk of many things:
Of rat shit bits and chicken guts,
Of why Saran Wrap clings,
And whether cheese is really blue,
And buffalos have wings."

YsaPur EsChomuw
03-08-2008, 05:14 PM
"The time has come," Confucius say,
"To talk of many things:
Of rat shit bits and chicken guts,
Of why Saran Wrap clings,
And whether cheese is really blue,
And buffalos have wings."

Nice one.
What does it remind me of? Lewis Caroll? I can't really place this feeling...

Marcus Bales
03-08-2008, 05:24 PM
"The time has come," the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes and ships and sealing-wax
Of cabbages and kings
And why the sea is boiling hot
And whether pigs have wings."

Lewis Carroll, "The Walrus and the Carpenter"


The Walrus and the Carpenter
Lewis Carroll

The sun was shining on the sea,
Shining with all his might:
He did his very best to make
The billows smooth and bright
And this was odd, because it was
The middle of the night.

The moon was shining sulkily,
Because she thought the sun
Had got no business to be there
After the day was done
"It's very rude of him," she said,
"To come and spoil the fun!"

The sea was wet as wet could be,
The sands were dry as dry.
You could not see a cloud, because
No cloud was in the sky:
No birds were flying overhead
There were no birds to fly.

The Walrus and the Carpenter
Were walking close at hand:
They wept like anything to see
Such quantities of sand:
"If this were only cleared away,"
They said, "it would be grand!"

"If seven maids with seven mops
Swept it for half a year.
Do you suppose," the Walrus said,
"That they could get it clear?"
"I doubt it," said the Carpenter,
And shed a bitter tear.

"O Oysters, come and walk with us!"
The Walrus did beseech.
"A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk,
Along the briny beach:
We cannot do with more than four,
To give a hand to each."

The eldest Oyster looked at him,
But never a word he said:
The eldest Oyster winked his eye,
And shook his heavy head
Meaning to say he did not choose
To leave the oyster-bed.

But four young Oysters hurried up,
All eager for the treat:
Their coats were brushed, their faces washed,
Their shoes were clean and neat
And this was odd, because, you know,
They hadn't any feet.

Four other Oysters followed them,
And yet another four;
And thick and fast they came at last,
And more, and more, and more
All hopping through the frothy waves,
And scrambling to the shore.

The Walrus and the Carpenter
Walked on a mile or so,
And then they rested on a rock
Conveniently low:
And all the little Oysters stood
And waited in a row.

"The time has come," the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes and ships and sealing-wax
Of cabbagesand kings
And why the sea is boiling hot
And whether pigs have wings."

"But wait a bit," the Oysters cried,
"Before we have our chat;
For some of us are out of breath,
And all of us are fat!"
"No hurry!" said the Carpenter.
They thanked him much for that.

"A loaf of bread," the Walrus said,
"Is what we chiefly need:
Pepper and vinegar besides
Are very good indeed
Now if you're ready, Oysters dear,
We can begin to feed."

"But not on us!" the Oysters cried,
Turning a little blue.
"After such kindness, that would be
A dismal thing to do!"
"The night is fine," the Walrus said.
"Do you admire the view?

"It was so kind of you to come!
And you are very nice!"
The Carpenter said nothing but
"Cut us another slice.
I wish you were not quite so deaf
I've had to ask you twice!"

"It seems a shame," the Walrus said,
"To play them such a trick,
After we've brought them out so far,
And made them trot so quick!"
The Carpenter said nothing but
"The butter's spread too thick!"

"I weep for you," the Walrus said:
"I deeply sympathize."
With sobs and tears he sorted out
Those of the largest size,
Holding his pocket-handkerchief
Before his streaming eyes.

"O Oysters," said the Carpenter,
"You've had a pleasant run!
Shall we be trotting home again?"
But answer came there none
And this was scarcely odd, because
They'd eaten every one.

YsaPur EsChomuw
03-08-2008, 05:28 PM
"The time has come," the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes and ships and sealing-wax
Of cabbages and kings
And why the sea is boiling hot
And whether pigs have wings."

Lewis Carroll, "The Walrus and the Carpenter"

That's it. I knew I've felt it before.

Marcus Bales
03-08-2008, 05:33 PM
Don't. Just don't. No, trust me. Don't.

YsaPur EsChomuw
03-08-2008, 05:36 PM
You are frustrated by a stalled relationship. But it'll eventually get worse. Worser.

Marcus Bales
03-08-2008, 06:20 PM
Those pains in your arm and chest? Better call 911.

YsaPur EsChomuw
03-08-2008, 06:30 PM
Your blood is black because you are a Homo Sepiens. They'll get you and put you in formaldehyde.

Marcus Bales
03-08-2008, 06:50 PM
We've traced his cell phone number and he's sitting across from you!

Earthling
03-09-2008, 10:50 AM
It takes 34 minutes for spoiled food to give you diarrhea. You have 7 minutes left.

YsaPur EsChomuw
03-09-2008, 01:53 PM
Mit stsz, kis szűcs? Ss hst stsz, kis szűcs?
Srga bgre, grbe bgre.

Earthling
03-10-2008, 09:28 AM
I've often wondered....Why are Chinese Fortune cookies, always written in English?:cool:

Earthling
03-10-2008, 02:44 PM
*FREE CAT DISPOSAL*
call: 1-800-faux pork

lukkucairi
03-11-2008, 09:45 PM
your acid reflux will NEVER EVER GO AWAY!

YsaPur EsChomuw
03-12-2008, 02:30 AM
!

brightpearl
11-11-2008, 10:52 PM
Your blood sugar is now 145.

Hyakujo's Fox
11-12-2008, 09:30 PM
Best Before 13-SEP-2005.

YsaPur EsChomuw
11-14-2008, 03:29 AM
You've been taken in!


^Is that 2005?

Angry Kid Hoyt
11-14-2008, 04:43 PM
t trk t grgt dgnyz rks rmk kztt.

brightpearl
11-15-2008, 12:32 AM
You should really think about trimming that nose hair.

Hyakujo's Fox
11-15-2008, 08:29 AM
typos will underline your attempts at communication

Hyakujo's Fox
12-15-2008, 06:02 AM
BEHIND YOU!

treekisser
12-15-2008, 02:12 PM
In the presence of a very distinguished person you will pass gas.

YsaPur EsChomuw
12-15-2008, 02:24 PM
The IRS are on your scent...

Large Marge
02-07-2009, 04:26 AM
That wasn't chicken.

Jack Flanders
02-07-2009, 04:34 AM
you are a good!

treekisser
02-10-2009, 11:50 AM
May you inseminate within thyself.

Coffee
02-11-2009, 02:26 PM
Help! I fell under the cookie machine and I can't get up.

Hyakujo's Fox
02-17-2009, 08:51 PM
Someone will reveal to you your team's thrilling last gasp victory earlier this evening before you get a chance to watch the game you went out of your way to record.

YsaPur EsChomuw
02-18-2009, 11:41 AM
Loser.

treekisser
02-20-2009, 11:46 AM
I lost a contact lens. If you find it, please call 011-86-10-758-4444. Ask for Ping.

Coffee
02-20-2009, 05:19 PM
Bet you didn't realize how much cat tastes like duck.

treekisser
02-23-2009, 01:06 PM
For your sake, I hope you didn't order any of the daily specials.

Coffee
02-24-2009, 02:53 PM
I hope you were serious about wanting a career change, your boss is at the table behind you.

YsaPur EsChomuw
02-24-2009, 02:59 PM
Don't forget to pay the last installment of your life insurance before you cross the street. Today is the day.

treekisser
02-24-2009, 03:14 PM
For your personal health and safety, ignore all messages found in these little cookies.

Coffee
02-24-2009, 08:36 PM
You idiot! The place across the street has better food and service, and cheaper prices.

Hyakujo's Fox
02-25-2009, 10:13 AM
A self referential fortune cookie fortune will leave you vaguely dissatisfied.

Hyakujo's Fox
02-25-2009, 10:14 AM
These fortune cookie jokes are just going to get worse and worse.

treekisser
02-26-2009, 12:00 PM
Aren't you the customer who forgot to tip last time?

seebe
03-28-2009, 02:43 PM
that strange noise you hear in the kitchen when you're alone at night is exactly what you think it is.

Marcus Bales
04-03-2009, 08:34 PM
The market will tank tomorrow. Sell everything at the opening bell. Sell! Sell!

treekisser
04-16-2009, 04:23 PM
Reward for lost contact lens. Please call Wing (03-753-976-4073).

Marcus Bales
04-16-2009, 07:13 PM
You are 67 days late on your car payment. Please call 1-888-555-1212 to make payment arrangements.

YsaPur EsChomuw
04-17-2009, 02:21 AM
Congratulations!

http://ebgirl.fobby.net/misc/test.jpg

YsaPur EsChomuw
04-17-2009, 02:27 AM
Eat with the right hand and wipe with the left.

Hyakujo's Fox
04-17-2009, 03:50 AM
No it doesn't have to be done simultaneously.

Marcus Bales
04-17-2009, 11:19 AM
Sometimes a cigar is only a cigar.

brightpearl
04-24-2009, 01:27 PM
A tall dark stranger will soon offer you a biscuit of a disappointing affect.

treekisser
05-29-2009, 10:55 AM
all things considered, I would rather be here than Philadelphia

YsaPur EsChomuw
05-29-2009, 03:59 PM
LAST WARNING!

YsaPur EsChomuw
05-29-2009, 04:01 PM
Find ten differences between a fortune cookie and the thing you have just eaten.

treekisser
05-29-2009, 04:49 PM
Good luck!...you'll need it.

brightpearl
05-29-2009, 07:22 PM
The people at the next table got chocolate chip.

treekisser
06-15-2009, 11:35 AM
Visit us on the web at www.thefortunecookieguys.cn!

Marcus Bales
06-15-2009, 03:13 PM
Stick 'em up.

treekisser
06-25-2009, 03:19 PM
Your zipper is open.

Marcus Bales
08-07-2009, 08:42 AM
She doesn't do oral.

Hyakujo's Fox
03-14-2010, 09:19 AM
Put your 3D glasses on NOW.