do not reply.

[catbelly]

HA!!

That reminds me of another board I post at... there is a thread called "when coffee turns you on: or, our odd sexual quirks."

No kidding!

[agentsmith]

well, coffee is very....alluring....

*bites him on the ass*

[jaymirror]

Carrots!

[Coffee]

HEY...easy on the ass agent...i don't have much to spare.
Jay is right...carrots are much better for biting.

Now if your lookin for sumthing to kiss...:p

:D

[jaymirror]

Haha! You first have to wear your panties...

[agentsmith]

GASP

[malina]

gotta love the agent! ;)

[agentsmith]

of course you do mish munnypenny!

[Coffee]

That "mish munnypenny" line has been used far too many times to be a thread killer agent...can't let the thread die with that...c'mon...try again dear.

Wearing panties now...Kiss my ***:D

[catbelly]

My kitty bit my ass once, he is a cheeky monkey!

[agentsmith]

Originally posted by Coffee
That "mish munnypenny" line has been used far too many times to be a thread killer agent...can't let the thread die with that...c'mon...try again dear.

Wearing panties now...Kiss my ***:D



i'll do more than kiss it! *dives on coffee and bites his ass completely off*

[Klynne]

What will Coffee do without his ass? How will he sit?

[Coffee]

Originally posted by Klynne
What will Coffee do without his ass? How will he sit?

The same way I have always sat without an ass...on my tail bone.

[agentsmith]

maybe i'll give it back...but only if the movie production continues.

[Coffee]

Holding my tiny ass hostage is hardly a threat madame.

[Klynne]

*Klynne grabs Coffee's miniscule ass*

[agentsmith]

do i have to mud wrassle you?

[catbelly]

*agent rolls up her sleeves, revealing many lurid tattoos and a cigarette burn*

*Klynne squares off, bending down to scoop up some sand and checking her pocket for her trusty roll of quarters*

*Coffee leans forward in anticipation and slides off his chair due to his lack of ass, upsetting a potted plant and spilling his drink*

*malina and jaymirror get popcorn and bicker over who gets the deck chair*

[malina]

we share the popcorn AND the deck chair and move over if rune decides to come by.... :D

[Coffee]

* I get fresh cup of me...firmly plant my bony tail onto a pillow on the ground...think fondly of the sushi I enjoyed at the last "chick fight" I attended...and then sit back to watch the show*

[agentsmith]

theres gonna be sushi?

[catbelly]

"Someone order the sushi!" yelled agent, waving her arms manically.

"OK, OK, who wants what ... " grumbled Klynne, pocketing the sand for later use and grabbing her cellphone.

"me, me, I want a salmon roll, a sunomono salad, and two miso soups, TWO" panted Coffee from his nest on the floor.

"California roll for me with three pieces of tuna nigiri sushi" shouted Malina

"and me, I want the cucumber maki and those bright orange fish eggs that look like teeny beads" said jaymirror

"herring sashimi for Rune, don't forget" interjected lovely Malina, "but none of that daikon garnish because you know how it makes him fart!"

"I want the jrocker special combo B, the one with all the crazy tempura rolls" screamed agent, getting very excited at the prospect of eating before the fight.

Klynne, amazingly, remembered all of the orders and phoned them in. She didn't realize that eating sushi gave agent heinous superpowers ....

[agentsmith]

HAHAHHAHAAAAAAAAA *cackles*


i rule the sushi!

*takes a bite and starts hovering three feet in the air, shining with a red light*

[funkytuba]

mmmm....sushi

[Klynne]

*Agent chows down her sushi. Indeed, it is a very scary sight to behold. She growls at Coffee...*

"Are you going to finish that?"

*Coffee backs away, terrified of Agent...*

*Agent pounces, and lands on Coffee, he is trying to fight her off, but he is still reeling from his ass being bitten off*

"Argghhh," Coffee screams helplessly.

*Klynne decides to save Coffee, and begins to scuffle with Agent. Klynne takes a handful of wasabi, and begins to force feed it to agent*

[Coffee]

Dammit Agent...my ass may be small and undercooked...but it is not sushi!

[agentsmith]

*agent gleefuly chugs the wasabi, then spits it in klynne's eye*

*klynne reels away, and coffee crawls under table to eat his own toenails*

[Coffee]

Heh...almost made it off the page again.

*and me with no ass left to chew off...hehehe*

[catbelly]

Unbeknownst to Coffee, the seaweed in his salmon maki was grown next to a nuclear reactor that had caused mutations in the plant, that, when ingested by certain star-gazing humans, caused amazing and spontaneous arse-regeneration!

Coffee's arse blooooooooomed! Round and fruity, plump patootie, glory be and praise the lord. Coffee rose from his pillow in a halo of light, new arse bare and glowing.

All action stopped. No one spoke. All were in awe of Coffee's new arse.

[agentsmith]

GASP is that.......an uberass?

[catbelly]

INDEED!! It was an uberass, born out of the ashes of the old.

The ZeMonkeys continued to stare in awe. Funkytuba forgot to shut his mouth and a bee flew in, circled for a while, then flew out. Malina accidentally ate a big chunk of wasabi and started to cough. Agent and Klynne stopped fighting and stood, clutching each other for dear life. Jaymirror took the opportunity to steal a piece of Rune's herring sashimi.

Coffee gingerly patted his new backside, marvelling at its baby-soft skin and glowing yet velvety appearance.

[Klynne]

As the zemonkeys stood motionless, the sound of trumpets and harps broke the silence. The clouds parted, and Ze, descended upon them. A golden light radiated from him, and then he spoke: "I am the Alpha, and Omega...."

[catbelly]

The mood was broken by a loud noise:

"BRRFFFPP-PP-PP-FPPPTTTT!!"

Ze and the ZeMonkeys looked around and discovered a red-cheeked Rune, who had somehow found the gas-inducing daikon garnish after all.

"Excuse me, carry on!" he said, turning even pinker.

[Klynne]

Ze pointed at Rune (Ze is a forgiving God, but, jeesh Rune stunk the place up) and lightening sprung from his right index finger. Rune fell to the ground. The smell of burnt flesh wafted through the air.

The zemonkeys were frozen in terror.

"No biggie," said Ze, as he blew on his right index finger, much like a gunfighter blowing on the the barrel of his gun after it has discharged, "He will be o.k."

Ze turned then to the zemonkeys and spoke....

[agentsmith]

but his voice was drowned out by another loud noise. it was ichi the killer! agent had turned it on, and the sound blasted from the speakers, knocking ze under a boulder.

[maychorian]

IT'S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL! (ba nuh nuh nuh nuh):::very loud electric guitar noises::::
IT'S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL! (ba nuh nuh nuh nuh)
IT'S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL! (ba nuh nuh nuh nuh)
IT'S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL! (ba nuh nuh nuh nuh)
IT'S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL! (ba nuh nuh nuh nuh)
IT'S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL! (ba nuh nuh nuh nuh)

[agentsmith]

*makes face*

*throws daikon at maychorian to drown out the evil sounds of DISNEY*

[maychorian]

:::knocks daikon back with a baseball bat, spattering it across agent's face:::

SCORE!

[agentsmith]

*rune eats daikon off agents face, at the same time letting out an almighty fart and blasting maychorian into the wall*

[maychorian]

:::Rubs bruised back and decides to sit for a while:::

[Klynne]

As chaos ensued, a vapor formed in the air. The fog swirled, and twisted, suddenly a figure began to materialize. It was Ze's trusty friend Annie, and boy was she pissed. She morphed into a 200 pound tiger. She looked at Agent and growled menancingly...

[maychorian]

Yay! I love big cats when they aren't growling at me!

:::claps hands and pounds them against the floor where she's sitting:::

[agentsmith]

oooooooh kitty!

*reaches out hand to pet*

[catbelly]

"Prrrrt! Prrrt!" Annie crooned, hunkering down and wiggling her bum, wide eyes on the agent, pupils dilated and ears flat to her head.

"Oh how cute," said Agent, ready to go over and give her a good belly rubbing.

"WAIT, STOP, CALM DOWN - " said Malina, "she's about to - "

But at that moment, Klynne shoved a futomaki in her mouth and Malina's comments were silenced.

[Coffee]

*Coffee thinks to himself...hmmm...my new arse is beautiful..but i'm having trouble walking now due to the unusual weight balance...I wish it wasn't so heavy...suddenly as if responding to his thought the new ass grows lighter and corrects the ballance problem. Coffee suspects that his new mutant bionic ass has psionic super powers*

*As a test Coffee thinks to himself "I want to be like Ze"...suddenly Coffee discovers that he has the ability to create anything using Flash and realizes that he could have said all of the above with just one word*

*Bollocks*

We are all very very strange people. Aint it beautiful?
:D

[Klynne]

As Coffee plays with his new ass, making it bigger, then smaller, then bigger Annie clamps her fangs around Agent's hand.

"Arggh" screams Agent.

Catbelly starts to

[catbelly]

Catbelly starts to roll around on the ground in an attempt to save Agent from the giant Annie. She tries to imitate the rolling and scuttling of a wounded yet delicious mouse, however, she looks more like the poor call girl in "Lost in Translation."

"Annie, lip my stocking, lip my stocking," she cries piteously.

Coffee suddenly notices the commotion and sensing that Agent is in a life or death position, expands his bionic buttocks to enormous size and uses them to clamp onto Annie's hindquarters. He easily picks her up and deposits her in a conveniently placed giant cat carrier.

The ZeMonkeys sigh with relief and all gather round for a group hug.

[Klynne]

All is calm in Zemonkey land momentarily, until Agent decides to start some shit with Dinz. Oh why, can't she live in peace and harmony?

"Hey stupid fvker," Agent says to Dinz

Dinz looks up from the Playboy magazine he had been reading and asked, "Are you talking to me?"

Agent looks at Dinz with a sneer...

[Coffee]

Dinzdale begs to be excused from the fight as his ass is already spoken for by Paris Hilton and several other High Society bimbos.

[catbelly]

Agent is not to be deterred! She circles Dinz, who is still wearing Beale's 1986 purple speedos, and demands satisfaction.

"Did she just demand satisfaction??" jaymirror says in a loud stage whisper.

"Yes she did and that's what I'm givin' 'er!!" yells Dinz, as he jumps up and starts doing his best Mick Jagger strut and prepares to start belting it out. "I... can't .... get ... NOOooOOOooo ..."

[Klynne]

Agent rolls up her sleeves ready to fight.

"Not the Rolling Stones type of satisfaction, you nitwit, you owe me $10.00 from when I won that bet we had."

Dinz looks puzzled.

"What bet?" he asks

"Don't play dumb, the bet we had about Malina and Jaymirror," she replies.

[agentsmith]

"about which one is better in bed!"

[Klynne]

Dinz says "I did not make that bet with you!"

Agent glares at the rest of the Zemonkeys and demands "If Dinz did not, who did?"

All of the Zemonkeys look away from Agent and stare at their feet.

[agentsmith]

"then it must have been ze!"

*glares at dinz after 5 seconds, because i forgot my revelation and now believe it was dinz*

[Klynne]

Agent begins to circle Dinz, she whips out her numchucks, and starts to skillfully manipulate them.

"Your dead meat Dinz."

Ze awakens and notices Annie is in a cage. He walks to the cage and starts speaking to Annie in soft comforting tones.

"Take it easy, Agent," Dinz says as he backs away slowly.

[Klynne]

The film is running over production costs. The main writer ,Catbelly, is off having voldka martinis with one of the hot extras. Klynne is lookin around desperately for her...

Catbelly where are you? This film has to be made.

[catbelly]

*Catbelly pops up from behind one of the props, spill-proof martini glass in hand.*

"Klynne, sweetheart" she slurred, "remember we were wondering what happened to David Coverdale after Whitesnake broke up? Well looky here!"

David Coverdale pops up from behind the prop, except slightly further down and slightly more mussed.

"Goddammit, Catbelly, we can't have you pissing away our budget on men and booze! We simply can't! And you call yourself an accountant!" Klynne fumed, tapping her foot. "and I can't BELIEVE you have been behind there with David Coverdale for an hour and a half and you haven't even CALLED me! I thought we were friends!"

David Coverdale looked from Klynne to Catbelly, then his gaze locked on something in the distance. Birds sang and music played. Coffee's new arse glowed in the beam of the klieg lights and he turned towards them, delicately sniffing a daisy.

[Klynne]

"Screw the budget," Klynne proclaimed, "Just let me have him."

Catbelly shrugged her shoulders, then gave Klynne a high five as she dragged David Coverdale into the shrubbery.

The cast looked on, as Catbelly staggered to the directors chair and announced "The show must go on."

Malina stated "I have been in pornos that have been run much better than this."

Dinz asked, "Is this for real?"

Agent started screaming "Screw you all."

[agentsmith]

*agent turns away to watch ichi the killer for the 10th time since saturday*(i kid you not)

*catbelly orders sushi, first having made sure that rune was off the premises*

[jaymirror]

:p

[agentsmith]

*jaymirror chokes to death on own tongue*

[jaymirror]

*jaymirror's ghost pulls the agent's toes while she's taking her afternoon nap*

[Klynne]

Ze has seen what Agent has done and he approaches Jay's lifeless body. He waves his hand over Jay's face and Jay comes back to life.

Jay awakes and asks "Is there any Sushi left?"

[agentsmith]

NO! YOU HAVE THE MIXTURE ALL WRONG!

[Klynne]

my apologies:(

[Klynne]

Klynne bans Agent from the set. She is too much of a distraction for the film. Catbelly calls the police, and Agent is dragged off kicking and screaming,"This thread must die, this thread must die."

Agent is committed to a mental institution for an indeterminite amount of time. But Agent has her cronies.

[agentsmith]

Agents yakuza connections have her back on the set in minutes, and Klynne encased in an iron mask and imprisoned. hooray!

[catbelly]

Oh my lawd, Klynne looks completely HOTT in the iron mask, PVC bustier/hotpants combo, fishnets, and thigh high stilletto boots.

Agent's yakuza connections are flummoxed, they are supposed to be guarding Klynne but they are totally distracted by the hottness to the extent that they can no longer tell their asses from their elbows. Klynne dispatches them easily, finding the iron mask particularly effective for head-butting.

Agent looks on in disdain, waiting for Klynne to finish up with the yaks so she can do her awesome impression of Ichi the Killer. Deadly!!

Catbelly is hung over from her David Coverdale martini binge, and tries to rehydrate by drinking blue Gatorade. Unfortunately it is too ambitious a plan, and she barfs all over Dinz's shoe.

"These cost me $4.99 at Target," he yells, jumping up and giving Catbelly a good whack to the back of the head. "this is toilet!"

Malina is lounging out on a settee with Perky Pat and Ze, eating the green tea ice cream that came with the sushi order. Annie is surreptitiously trying to lick her spoon, but not succeeding because jaymirror has beat her to it.

Coffee is still playing with his new arse, and finally finds the optimum size that allows him to sit comfortably, yet walk without falling over. Content with his lot, he decides to bring peace to the ZeMonkeys by making them all hot coffee with his freshly roasted beans. Soon the aroma of fresh coffee wafts through the set, and the ZeMonkeys gather 'round, expectant looks on their faces.

[agentsmith]

LOL catbelly!

[Coffee]

*whistles nonchalantly as the thread is BUMPED off of page two*

Nice try Agent.

[agentsmith]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH



*pours water on coffee's uberass*

*uberass screams IM MELTING IM MELTING then dissapears*

[Coffee]

IM MELTING IM MELTING

http://www.sunflowersplace.com/w3.jpg

[agentsmith]

*kicks wicked witch in shins*

[Coffee]

OUCH
http://www.kayaking.peak.org/public_html/rivers/salmon_run/shins.jpg

[agentsmith]

HAIry legs.

[jaymirror]

naaah that's bad stuff

[Klynne]

Up to the top my little pretty.....

[Coffee]

Glad to see your on the ball Klynne...took a quick break from work to make sure this thread wasn't being ingnored.

[Klynne]

Thanks Coffee, I try.

[agentsmith]

humph.

[funkytuba]

*sigh*

[Coffee]

HUMPH (http://chillercinema.tripod.com/Hump.html)
http://chillercinema.tripod.com/humph.jpg

[Madonna'sBite]

Not exactly my most preferred date.

[agentsmith]

shut up, virgin

hehe just kidding.

[Madonna'sBite]

Yes sweet agent, let me have a closer look at your avatar!

[agentsmith]

sweet????

[jaymirror]

Hahahaha! MB is totally crazy!!

[Klynne]

Agent takes exception to being called sweet by MB. Things get ugly quick..

"Who are you calling sweet, you over promoted, washed up hag?" she asks.

MB looks pissed. She has on her pointy cone bra with spikes, she glares at Agent and says "Come, here, give me a hug."

The Zemonkeys form a circle around the two, a few of them throwing down money, betting on who is going to win this fight.

Dinz says "I bet on MB, she has the bigger breasts."

Coffee throws his money down and bets on Agent "She bit my ass off, she scares me."

Catbelly and Malina call their bookie in Vegas to see what that odds are.

The rest of the Zemonkeys stand back, too cheap to place any bets. They decide to pool their money and play a game of Keno later. The fight begins.

[agentsmith]

KLYNNE ORDER THE SUSHI!!!!

[jaymirror]

with carrots please

[Klynne]

Klynne orders the Sushi. Agent is such a big bossy pants.

Fighting works up Agent's appetite, and she has low blood sugar, which makes her a double pain in the ass.

Agent whips out her sword, and says to MB..."Bring it on."

The Zemonkeys give a collective shudder. It is like driving past a car accident, they just can't look away from the scene that is unfolding in front of their eyes.

[Madonna'sBite]

What do i need to turn on?

[Coffee]

What do i need to turn on?

*theme song from Deliverance plays in background*

"you sure do have a purty mouth"

[Klynne]

*up to the top with you*

[agentsmith]

hehhehehe yes, well, who am i fighting again?

[funkytuba]

The
(massive whirring klunking and mettallic scraping noise accompanied by a loud whirring as FunkyTuba unfolds and transforms into....)

MECHKA-TUBA

250 feet tall, I strike a cool pose à la Stinko Man K 20x6

[Coffee]

Agent...you got your work cut out for you this time...I think your going down.

[Klynne]

*Agent drops the piece of sushi she had been eating, as Mechka Tuba approaches...The Zemonkeys flee in terror, except for Catbelly, who picks up the camera and starts to film. Mechka Tuba begins to roar, and unexplicably, the JRockers appear....*

[agentsmith]

as Rune lovingly said the other day, "jap rock no cock"

the jrockers found out and are here to assert their questionable manlihood.

[funkytuba]

MECHKA-TUBA

sees the jrockers and laughs hysterically, laughs so hard he shrinks back down to his former size... and farther and farther until he is a

MINI-MECHKA-TUBA Now Available in Stores Near You!!! THERE'S STILL TIME FOR X-MAS DELIVERY!!!

[Klynne]

Back to the top

[Klynne]

"Cut," Catbelly yells, "What in the hell do you think your doing? I don't have any time for cheap self promotion," she said to Funkytuba.

"I am putting you in time out!"

*Funky Tuba is led off by the ear by the JRockers*

*Agent looks disappointed, she was really spoiling for a fight. She eyes the zemonkeys, choosing her next victim. The zemonkeys start to squirm*

[agentsmith]

*agent chews off the last of her nails, then takes off her shoes and socks and starts on her toes*

[Coffee]

Coffee sees agent biting her own body parts, and heaves a sigh of relief.

Wanders off to nearby thrift store to see if any Mini-Mechka-Tubas have been donated there yet. Thinks to himself that they would make a lovely stocking stuffer...but fears they are too new of a fad item to be in the thrift stores so soon.
Fears he will have to settle for slightly used kettle instead.

[xerocs]

what about an esspresso drip?

[agentsmith]

"good idea," says coffee, then he hears an almighty chewing noise and turns to see that the agent has bitten of his right leg.

[Klynne]

*Coffee screams out in pain*

"ARGH!"

*Agent circles Coffee, gnashing her teeth, her eyes glowing. The Zemonkeys form a circle around the two and they are chittering nervously. They are relieved that they have not been chosen as Agent's newest target, but saddened because they have great affection for Coffee. They are afraid that this is the end for their old pal. As Agent moves in to finish off Coffee, she is hit in the back of the head with a brick of stinky head cheese. She spins around to face Larry Dumbo (from the fake blog thread)*

"In the name of the Mothership, I command you to stop," Larry declares.

"You can't stop me you psycho," Agent replies.

"You under estimate the power of cheese, Agent."

*Larry takes an especially odiferous brick of head cheese from out of his underwear, and begins to smother Agent with it. Agent passes out and the Jrockers carry her off on a stretcher. Larry approaches Coffee, who is wrything in pain on the ground*

"Don't worry Coffee," he said as he took Coffee's hand, "The Mothership is on its way, and they will heal you."

"Don't worry about me," Coffee said, "Just make sure my zuchini is taken care of."

Larry nodded, and said, "Everything is going to be all right."

*The Zemonkeys hear a low hum, and look towards the heavens. The Mothership is descending. A disk in the sky with glowing lights was hovering above their heads*

[Coffee]

Suddenly a high pitch whine is heard.
A golden sparkle surrounds coffee as "the transporter effect" surrounds him.

Coffee's Log entry ...star date 3574.3

I found my self on the trasporter pad in an somewhat familiar star ship.
A dark haired man with concern evident on his face hurries up to the pad and shouts "Nurse Chapel, bring me a hypo spray...anethazine...fast...we are close to losing him".

Just before I passed out I was able to say "Bones?"
..."My god, what have they done to you Jim".

I woke up in the familiar surroundings of Enterprise's med lab one. MY SHIP... My old friends Leonard was at my left and Spock at my right.

"Jim" Spock said "do you remember anything at all of what happened to you".

I at that point was beginining to remember the incident on Altair 6, the fight with the Klingon's as they tried to steal the Temporal Device...I remember that I could not let them have it or the entire Ferderation would be in dire peril...I vaguely remember stepping through the time portal with the Temporal Key in my hand to prevent it being seized by Commander Kor of the Klingon Bird of Prey, at that moment battling my crew in orbit above us.

"Spock, Bones...I stepped through that portal to the 20th Century...a barbaric time ruled by despots and republicans...How did you find me."

"You can thank our pointy eared green blooded friend here, Jim...We had all given you up for dead when the portal blew up after Kor tried to stop you with a disrtuptor blast".
Bones looked sad for a moment then said..."Spock did'nt want us to get our hopes up so he searched histrorical records covering centuries looking for any sign of you".

"Yes Jim" Spock said with a slight lift of his right eyebrow "It was a most fascninating lesson in early Earth history...I am surprised your species made it into space" Bones gave Spock a withering look "look here you pointy eared..."
"that's enough Bones" I said..."so where was I when you found me Spock?"
"A search of crude "internet records" revealed that you were in the midst of an epic struggle with an entitiy know as Agent Smith. We disguised a shuttle to look like one of the fictional craft discussed on the message board you were trapped on...and activated the warp engines close enough to the Sun to send us back to your time"..."there is a problem though" Bones said "apparently you had some impact on civilization in that time...we cant take you back with us just yet...as much as we hate to do it...we need to send you back...and we have to wipe your mind of our time so you don't cause any further temporal disturbances....you need to go back and make a complete ass of yourself so you are discredited and forgotton"

"I understand...the Prime Directive must surely be applied so that we don't contaminate our own Earth's history...I see you have fixed my leg, I'm ready to go back...just let me say goodbye to all my crew and friends and I'll be ready to return."

"Just one question...what happened to the temporal device?"
Bones chuckled..."It is your coffee roaster Jim".

After farewells to crew and friends are made Jim Kirk steps back onto the transporter pad...Spock puts his hand to his face..."my mind to your mind...."

Coffee is transported back to the surface of his homeword...a man out of his time...and out of his mind.


http://mysmilies.creativesell.net/contrib/edoom/spacecraft.gif

[rmr]

what the fark????

[agentsmith]

i second that sentiment

[funkytuba]

I'll take thirds.

[agentsmith]

oh, you will? just like that, eh?

[jaymirror]

YAY from Jay!!!

[Coffee]

ya ya ya...i've been buying evey Star Trek paper back I can find at my local thrift stores...They are going to my head. I on number 25 so far.
:D

Suddenly a phaser blast shoots Agent Smith's ass off...a farewell present from Coffee's pals before they head back/forward to their own time.

Coffee notices a rectangular device in his pocket with a note attached...

if'n she is tryin to give ya any mer trooble...aim "this end" at the lass and press "this button"....signed Scotty.

[rmr]

farking a

[Coffee]

Coffee aims his new toy at rmr and practices on her for her gratuitous use of the word Farkin'

*zap*

hehehe.

[agentsmith]

stupid coffee, my ass is invinceable.

[Klynne]

Originally posted by agentsmith
stupid coffee, my ass is invinceable.

*Agent's ass is gone, *poof* gone, the poofy Jrockers can't even save her. The zemonkeys are confused. Their lives have been so full of chaos, what are they to do now? Peace and harmony are things that they are not use to living with*

[agentsmith]

fine then, be that way!


some of the older members may recall my previous loss of ass, last year i think, and the buying of a new indestructeable one. ask frieda, she'll tell you.

[zenbabe]

Do the Robot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Coffee]

Originally posted by agentsmith
fine then, be that way!


some of the older members may recall my previous loss of ass, last year i think, and the buying of a new indestructeable one. ask frieda, she'll tell you.

Indestructable by 20th and 21rst century standards perhaps...primitive technology compared to concentrated Phaser fire... 24th century technology vaporized it again.
:D

[Frieda]

Originally posted by Coffee
Indestructable by 20th and 21rst century standards perhaps...primitive technology compared to concentrated Phaser fire... 24th century technology vaporized it again.
:D

the agent´s ass is equipped with a very powerful cloaking device, with deflectors that can create many evasive patterns. you won´t even hit it. it´s farking high-tech!! and it´s furry. yeah agent, i remember!!

[agentsmith]

yay! she remembers! i have a witness.:)

[JesusTitties]

Mmmmm.

[Klynne]

*Since there is a dispute over the indestructable qualities of Agents ass, Coffee and Agent agree to let Judge Judy decide*

[agentsmith]

my ass we do! i hate judge judy!


*judge judy enters the courtroom, and the jrockers all leap at her and tear her throat open with their sparkly white teeth*

[Madonna'sBite]

I'm absolutely flashed by your ass agent.

[Klynne]

*Yet again, the actors are holding up the production of the film. Klynne is being driven insane by Agent's primadonna attitude. Agent has refused to emerge from her trailer until the issue of her indestructable ass is settled. Coffee, being the good chap he is, brings her a dozen roses, and admits, yes, Agent, your ass is indestructable, he apologizes, and all is well. Coffee is truly a team player. Besides, he can't afford not to have this film made. His period costumes cost him a fortune*

[Klynne]

.....But, does Coffee have a hidden agenda?

[agentsmith]

(cue the dramatic music effect)

[Coffee]

ahhhh....Coffee thought he saw Agent's ass blown off by a Shuttle Phaser...Obviously the ass was using a "cloaking pattern" , simulating a "blown off ass" to make the shuttle think they blew her ass off...fooling the shuttle into leaveing the scene.
Very clever Agent's ass...very very clever...and congratulations on the swift dispatch of Judge Judy by your Jrocker minions.
*applauds*

and, please...on with the show...yes.

*coffee mumbles something inchorent...something about price of beer at faires, and shuffles off to get something for hangover...coffee's only agenda at the moment...getting more coffee*

[lapietra]

Lala arrives at the scene... obviously a site of utter chaos... All she sees is bits of flesh, feathers, and blue sparkle strewn about...

She spies a tray of carrots surrounding a hunk of head cheese left on a table (among tubs of Red Vines, chocolate chip cookies and Sweet & Low) and goes over to investigate. "Hmmm... never tried this before," she says, walks to the table and breaks off a bit of the lunchmeat. Seconds later, she claws at her tongue, futilely, then begins to consume mass quantities of carrots to dull the fetid taste in her mouth.

[agentsmith]

i've never tried head cheese either. is it really that sick? ever had haggis?

[lapietra]

Actually - I have had head cheese - and it's actually pretty bland and innocuous... kind of like bologna... It's just the *idea*... ;)

Nope - never tried haggis - tho' I *do* have a recipe for it...

[Klynne]

*Catbelly hires Lapietra as her personal assistant/food taster. She has this uneasy feeling that someone on the set is trying to poison her. She doesn't share her suspicions with Lapietra, since, well, Lapietra would probably refuse to take the job*

"Here, try some of this Lapietra, it is really good."

"Thanks," Lapietra bites into a piece of sushi.

*Catbelly eyes Lapietra. Once she sees that Lapietra is not keeling over, she tucks into a piece of Ugani*

"People, it is time to start filming, chop, chop," Catbelly states.

*Agent and the Jayrockers glance over, irritated that Catbelly interupted their game of naked twister.*

[Coffee]

Coffee wanders through the set...cup of Kenyan/Java blend in hand.

"oh, hi Klynne...you and this thread still here?. I saw it over on page two awhile back, but since Agent smith hadn't killed it I was gonna let it hang out there till Agent tried to kill it again".

"you really think you can get Agent and the jrockers to work over the holidays?" "I hear them Jrockers can get a bit whiney if they have to work overtime, weekends and esp. holidays"..."oh, well...good luck to ya"

Coffee wanders off again nibbling on a california roll that he nabbed from the sushi plate.

[Klynne]

"Hey Coffee, it should be no problem. The Jrockers are kind of desperate right now for cash. Their last manager, Beales, robbed them blind. The word on the street is he embezzled all their money and spent it on this big breasted woman."

[Klynne]

Up to the top with you thread.

[catbelly]

*the jrockers look confused, it seems they have forgotten the rules of twister and are feeling intimidated by Klynne's BDSM outfit so they don't want to ask*

*Coffee is mobbed by teenage girls who think he was one of the guys on Survivor*

*Klynne is getting tired of wearing the mask and PVC, and wants to change into something more comfy, but what?? *

*Catbelly is hoarse from yelling at the damn lazy crew. She decides to take Lapietra out for a dinner and show, maybe a walk by the beach. But Lapietra turns her down because she has to wash her hair.*

*Beale returns from N'orleans to manage the jrockers, who have collapsed in a heap on the twister board. He tosses their clothing at them and says, "ok you slackers, if you don't get back to work I'm taking away your liquid eyeliner!"*

*agent resents Beale's hold over the jrockers and resolves to fight him for their contracts in a steel cage death match*

*David Coverdale staggers out of the bushes and wonders where he is*

*Dinz tells him that he is in a commune for recovering head cheese addicts, then tries to get Tawny Kitaen's number from him*

[Klynne]

*Coffee fights off the girls, and is left barely dressed, as the girls wanted to get a piece of him as a souvenir.

*Klynne puts on her favorite thong, and a pair of flip flops, the other ze-monkeys look at her and are blinded*

*Since Lapietra can't go out, Catbelly decides to rent a cheap motel room, and invites David Coverdale over for a nightcap.*

Agent says to Beale, "If you think you are going to interrupt our game of Twister, you have another thing coming." She whips out her bull whip and starts cracking it.

Dinz gets Ms. Katan's number and tries calling her on his cell phone

[funkytuba]

Whoa... someone besides agent killed agents' thread killing thread.

Threadkill-envy? You're soaking in it.

[agentsmith]

-eh?

[Coffee]

Agent wakes up groggy.
Beales had slipped a mickey in her drink before contract negotiations with the jrockers...Agent wakes up to find her self without jrocker protection as they are now circling protetively around beales after his more than skillfull contract negotiations.

[agentsmith]

......when suddenly.......

someone sets fire to beale!

[Coffee]

However Beale's new jrocker body gaurds dive upon their new master to put out the flames with their own bodies...forgetting how much hairspray, cologne, styling gel, and other flamable hygene products they are wearing...oopps.
A sudden sonic boom rocks all on the set as a small pack of jrockers bursts into a mushroom cloud style explosion.
Beale being at the center of the blast miraculously survives with only all of his hair and most of his clothing burned off...the blast somehow canceled itself out in the center of the blast when all the jrockers around Beale exploded at the same instant.

A tattered and torn Coffee wanders back onto the set after all of the fuss if over, oblivious to what has just happened. He notices Beales' half-dressed half-burned apperance, and walks up to him and says..."Thank god my groupies aren't pyromaniacs like yours seem to be".

"...and can someone please turn off the Bright White Klynne shaped set lights over there...they are really hurting my eyes"

[~*WickedAngel*~]

*jumps in from out of absolutely no where...looking very evil...*

I'M BACK!!!! YOU SHALL ALL BOW TO ME, DR. EBIL...Ebil with a B...not a V...

*laughs all evil like* BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!!

[Coffee]

*gasp*

Not...DR. EBIL!!!
*creepy movie music...duh du duh duhhhh.*

[~*WickedAngel*~]

((lmao!!!!))

I will hold the world hostage if my demands are not met!!!! You will all fear the wrath of .....*puts her pinky finger to her lip* DR. EBIL!!!! Ebil with a B...not a V....

[Coffee]

yes?...yes?...so what are your demands?


*gasps and cowers*

[~*WickedAngel*~]

I demand...5 sexy sexy men dressed as elves from Lord of the Rings to be tied to my deluxe king sized bed by 12 midnight...along with um...some handcuffs and a buttload of coffee...we'll be up for a while. Send this to me at DR. EBIL'S ULTRA SUPER SECRET BAT CAVE LAYER UNDER THE BIG YELLOW BRIDGE THAT DINZ LIKES TO JUMP OFF OF WITHOUT HIS BUNGEE CORD...Ebil with a B...not a V...*puts pinky finger to her lip*

[Frieda]

better not touch Legolas.. he's mine! :D

[~*WickedAngel*~]

Originally posted by Frieda
better not touch Legolas.. he's mine! :D


Ok...but I want Haldir...he's SOOOOOO mine....mmmm...Haldir *drools*



http://www.councilofelrond.com/modules/My_eGallery/gallery/characters/haldir/Limlokhwesthaldir02.jpg

[~*WickedAngel*~]

Here's a couple of Legolas to tide you over Frieda.

http://www.councilofelrond.com/modules/My_eGallery/gallery/characters/legolas/helmsdeep1.jpg


http://www.councilofelrond.com/modules/My_eGallery/gallery/characters/legolas/coecalego.JPG

http://www.councilofelrond.com/modules/My_eGallery/gallery/characters/legolas/coeleggy_frida.jpg

[Frieda]

hmmm.. it gives me a timeout..

[~*WickedAngel*~]

Doesn't it though...

[Frieda]

what am i missing??? :eek:

[~*WickedAngel*~]

Just a few really hot pictures of Legolas

[Frieda]

:eek: :eek: :eek:

[agentsmith]

i saw return of the king and HATED IT!


i liked the first two.

[~*WickedAngel*~]

:eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:

*points and screams at Agent* SACRILIGE!!! (sp?)

[agentsmith]

it dragged on forever! i tried basing my skull in with a bag of skittles i was so boring!

[Frieda]

hah, so YOU were the person sitting behind me tapping her feet on the floor for 3,5 hours!!

[agentsmith]

actually, efter every word elrond said i uttered "mr. anderson"!

[~*WickedAngel*~]

:D HAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!!!

[agentsmith]

seriously i did. it made it easier to pretend i was actually watching an interesting movie.

[~*WickedAngel*~]

I believe you, I really do. That's what makes it funnier!

[agentsmith]

someone in the theatre tried to dump popcorn on me.

[~*WickedAngel*~]

Oh yeah...he he....sorry about that....

[agentsmith]

http://www.strange-eye.org/molko/images/

[agentsmith]

its ok they missed.

[~*WickedAngel*~]

I had popcorn thrown at me while watching Rocky Horror Picture Show at the theatre once. But it was all in fun...I got the person back with my tp and water gun.

[agentsmith]

haha, well this wasnt in fun. when i saw tombraider, my friend and i sat in the back and were talking loudly, because it was so boring, and no one seemed to be close enough to hear or care, but then people kept screaming shut the fvck up and throwing stuff.

[~*WickedAngel*~]

that must have really sucked

[agentsmith]

no, not really, it was kind of fun.

[Frieda]

there were people that kept being called on their cell phones and then saying loudly "no, i'm coming home now, it's almost over now" but that was still 1,5 hours before the end of the movie. i think this one guy got called about 5 times after that.

[agentsmith]

hahahahahaha!

[rmr]

*burp*

[Klynne]

This thread is back!

[Madmack]

Was it ever really gone..?

[Klynne]

*Madmack the philospher wanders on the set*

"If a tree falls in the forest," Madmack asks, "and no one is there to hear it, does it really make a sound?"

*The zemonkeys look at Madmack and shrug their shoulders*

[Madmack]

'Madmack looks at the zemonkeys..
and says.. "Were you actually shrugging your shoulders..? or simply scrunching down your heads..?"....'

[catbelly]

"We were ducking, Madmack!!" screamed Klynne, "LOOK OUT!"

... as agentsmith came flying through the air in a mad-ass Ichi the Killer manoeuvre.

"Jebus Murphy" yelled Madmack, "they sure don't have these where I come from!"

Unfortunately his reaction time was too slow and agent smoked him right in the head. He fell to the ground and lay, twitching, while agent did the Mick Jagger strut around his prostrate body.

[Klynne]

*Coffee wanders by and notices Madmack's distress. He applies CPR, and Madmack recovers. Meanwhile, the Jayrockers join Agent in her mad dance*

[agentsmith]

ah yes! the mad dancing has ensued!

[jaymirror]

:confused: what are all these people dancing for?

[agentsmith]

we're welcoming my beautiful new velvet goldmine avvy!

[xerocs]

xerocs strolls in, eyes half shut, "Well this is an improvement..."

[Coffee]

Catbelly looks over and sees Xerocs wandering around in an apparent daze and yells "LOOK OUT XEROCS"...but too late as a second time Ichi Killer Kicking Agent flys across the set aimed straight at Xerocs' head...

[xerocs]

xerocs, with cat-like reflexes and very bad bed-head, executes a randomonious pump fake (he doesn't play basketbal so this results in him falling flat on his face) and narrowly avoids certain death.

[jaymirror]

Jay rolls her eyes, bites a carrot and hops away as if nothing had happened.

[agentsmith]

agent mutters, "dont encourage him dear" and slaps her knee. then she hobbles of to forage for some crispy m and ms.

[lapietra]

Lala wanders through again with the distinct impression that something has *just* happened... and yet there is no one to be seen.

[agentsmith]

I FOUND THE CRISPY M&MS

[rmr]

hey agnes.....my dad says hi!!!!

[agentsmith]

did you tell him? about the movies??? eh?

[jaymirror]

http://www.ongoingsupport.org.uk/bunny%20hopping%20picture.gif

[agentsmith]

*stabs bunny repeatedly in the throat*

[chuckie egg]

nice!

[agentsmith]

*bows*

[funkytuba]

*ribbons*

[chuckie egg]

*scissors*

[catbelly]

*edward scissorhands*

[agentsmith]

STOP IT! this is not the word association thread.

[catbelly]

Oh... I thought we were brainstorming for new developments in your movie, Ms. Smith!

Picture it

Ichi the Killer vs. Edward Scissorhands

I think it could work!

[Coffee]

Casting call for Edward character....needs to have very long silver fingers...pale withdrawn look prefered...must be able to run with scissors.

[xerocs]

(Clears throat) A'hem... I think I have the long pale drawn look down. Yes the sharp fingers may be a bit of a problem, but that is why they made prosthetics. Yes, yes... I run with scissors and contrary to popular belief I do play well with others so long as they do things my way. Oh yes, include in my list of qualifying features that I am a metrosexual.

[agentsmith]

oooooooookaaaaaaay, dont call us, we'll call you. NEXT!

[xerocs]

xerocs bows his head and kicks imaginary rocks out of the room while mumbling something to the effect of, "wait until I do have the prosthetic razor fingers..."

[zenbabe]

BITCHEZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[xerocs]

I am sensing some hostility there.... would you like to talk about it?

[Klynne]

*Catbelly is growing impatient. This film will not be made until 2006, unless she can pull together this cast and crew, and she can't take another failed film. Her last film, entitled "Film Critics are Gods", was a favorite with critics, but bombed in the box office. She has been working on many a B movie, and documentaries, but she knows that this is not her true niche (well, they don't bring in enough money to support her habits of expensive voldka, fast cars, and easy young men)*

Catbelly takes her seat in the director's chair and yells into the megaphone, "People, pay attention!"

*The zemonkeys circle around for further instruction*

Xerocs clears his (or is it her) throat and says,

"If I may interject here, I think the fundamental problem..."

"No you may not," Catbelly cuts him off, "I hired you to counsel the actors for their, alcohol, drug, and sex addictions, not as an advisor to this film."

*Xerocs backs off, but gives Catbelly the finger when he thinks she isn't looking*

"We are going to take this from the top," says Catbelly, "If you don't get this right, I will make sure that you never work in this town again!"

RMR raises her hand and asks,"With all due respect Catbelly, who would ever want to work in South Dakota again, especially in January?"

*The zemonkeys look to Catbelly for her response*

[Klynne]

Up to the top with ya. Come on Catbelly!

[Coffee]

Ummmm....I would vote for a relocated shoot in Hawaii, Tahiti, or Jamaica MON.

I shot the sherriff...but I didn't shoot the deputyyyyyy

[xerocs]

I know what you said but, if I may interject here, I think the fundamental problem..."

[agentsmith]

*screams at klynne "YOU CANT HANDLE THE TRUTH" and then stumbles off to watch the wierd chinese movie ruby has tricked her into liking*

[rmr]

hi agnes smith. how are you this evening?

[agentsmith]

MIND NUMBINGLY DEPRESSED! actually, i'm feeling both sides of bi-polar at the same time. wierd, huh?

[rmr]

that's my girl.

watch some movies......you'll feel better.

[agentsmith]

thats what i did, but i got even more PISSED OFF because the 3rd one doesnt work.

[Klynne]

Damn, this thread almost died....

[agentsmith]

like my new avatar?

[Coffee]

What does the blue text on your Tar say Agent?

[agentsmith]

it says "i tickled jt's herpes"

[xerocs]

sick... now how are you gonna get them off of your fingers? and then they are gonna be on your keyboard and everytime someone types JT they are gonna get it, and then they are gonna rub thier eyes... and then they just have to look at someone and they will get it... this is a pandemic and it is all your fault... someone alert the WHO.....

[Perky Pat]

Originally posted by agentsmith
it says "i tickled jt's herpes"

agnes SMITH!! :eek: and there i was thinking it said something about "pickled schweppes".

[xerocs]

Originally posted by Perky Pat
agnes SMITH!!

agnes... it is funnier after the thrid time.....

[agentsmith]

ha!

and i didnt, its mr. pink's confession.

[Coffee]

I...am...sooooooooo....sorrry...I asked.

Yick

[xfox]

Want an alkaloid for your keyboard? Really, we can sterilize it!

[Klynne]

*Alas, the poor zemonkeys are wandering around, looking at each other...They all have nasty sores on their upper lip. Who gave this plague, and why? Surely the unclean JT is to blame*

[agentsmith]

when all hope seems lost, who comes rocketing through the sky, and using xerocs as a landing pad? why, its no other than....

[Coffee]

Enter..."person who rockets through the sky superhero sorta person" Ok...not the most brilliant Superhero name...and the initials on the chest are gonna be a mess. (PWRTTSSSP)

BTW...I like your rolling panda tar MUCH better Agent.

*tickles agnes smith's new tar*

[agentsmith]

actually coffee, my new tar is trying to tickle its own herpes

[Coffee]

ewwww.

It aint gonna work though Agent...You shall not drive me away from this thread with icckyness. I'll just post an Ewwww if neccesarry.

[agentsmith]

hey coffee my new tar wants to be tickled.

[Coffee]

uhh...I want to know what exactly is disgusting about it first.

[catbelly]

Suddenly, out of the wardrobe department, Dinz appears. He is carrying something filmy, long, white and vaguely medical looking.

"Here, Coffee my man, have a full-body condom. Herpes is no big deal as long as you're protected!"

Coffee very gingerly takes the FBC from Dinz and inspects it at arm's length.

Agent's avatar twitches in an agony of expectation.

[agentsmith]

theres nothing wrong with it. its klaha from malice mizer. NOW HE WANTS TO BE TICKLED!!!!!!

[jaymirror]

:confused:
I think i'm lost...
...which thread is this???

[agentsmith]

well, now it's myavi...but he wants to be tickled nonetheless!

[rapscalious rob]

No he doesn’t. Did you ask him?

If you tickled him, you’d probably get socked in the shnoz.

Use caution. Please.

[Coffee]

Has this FBC been used before? It did come from Dinzdale after all...one must be cautious.

[catbelly]

Reduce, re-use, recycle... and you call yourself a tree-hugger! Pshaw!

[Coffee]

Paper, Plastic, aluminum, Clothing and apliances from thrift stores, the occasional road kill venison...sure no prob...


but Latex abused by Dinzdale...NO FARKING WAY.

The point of using those types of devices are to "recuce risk"... not increase it.

[catbelly]

Oh... good point, sir.

[agentsmith]

Originally posted by rapscalious rob
No he doesn’t. Did you ask him?



he said, "i'd rather be butt-raped." he seems pretty keen....any takers?

[catbelly]

My strap-on is in the shop, sorry :(

[agentsmith]

aw, sorry to hear that. anyone's avatar interested?

[Coffee]

ewwwww.

[agentsmith]

i see that comehither look in your avatar's eye, coffee....