Post something that made you laugh today. [Archive] - Page 11 - ZEFRANK.COM

auntie aubrey

01-10-2007, 12:19 AM

^^^ mmmmmmmmm, sacrilicious

Brynn

01-10-2007, 05:16 PM

yes but undeniably hilarious :D

JesusTitties

01-10-2007, 07:55 PM

http://www.zefrank.com/bulletin/showthread.php?t=10703

Jack Flanders

01-10-2007, 08:44 PM

http://img441.imageshack.us/img441/9836/ymca1wk1.jpg

Shit - am I thick. I just *got it* :o

l'azizza

01-11-2007, 03:15 AM

sry JT, you are the original funny guy.

http://img219.imageshack.us/img219/6776/assholeso7.jpg

Lizzard

01-11-2007, 12:15 PM

Shit - am I thick. I just *got it* :o

That did it for me... Plus a buddy of mine asking me if penguins have knees.

trisherina

01-12-2007, 01:17 AM

click (http://arts.guardian.co.uk/filmandmusic/story/0,,1841197,00.html)

jasmina

01-12-2007, 08:16 AM

click (http://arts.guardian.co.uk/filmandmusic/story/0,,1841197,00.html)
I am the new No. 1 fan of Alex Petridis

auntie aubrey

01-12-2007, 08:56 PM

click (http://arts.guardian.co.uk/filmandmusic/story/0,,1841197,00.html)

"I know music," she reassured the Sunday Times children's section. "I hear it every single day."

well thank god the times children's section is running a column on cumgargling guttersluts.

trisherina

01-13-2007, 12:48 AM

I wonder if I can manage to say "cumgargling gutterslut" at work next week.

Jack Flanders

01-13-2007, 01:19 AM

^^^ work on a good sneeze and then blurt it out. I have friend how can get by saying the weirdest things while sneezing and not get caught. And we're old.

craig johnston

01-14-2007, 03:31 PM

http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/42449000/jpg/_42449027_ab.jpg

bangbangsami

01-14-2007, 03:32 PM

its my b-day so i am happy

craig johnston

01-15-2007, 07:49 AM

hbbbs :)

Action-movie great Sylvester Stallone joked he may find a part for US-bound David Beckham in his next picture. "I haven't met him yet, but I might just put him in my next Rambo film and chase him round the jungle for a couple of months," he said.

Smartypants

01-15-2007, 04:40 PM

Another hysterically funny yet in-reality-not-that-funny report from the Daily Show. (http://onegoodmove.org/1gm/1gmarchive/2007/01/bang_bang.html)

zenbabe

01-16-2007, 12:41 AM

Swair

01-16-2007, 08:44 AM

I'm a teacher, so making a 6th grader cry today made me happy.

zenbabe

01-16-2007, 02:15 PM

That's nice.

auntie aubrey

01-17-2007, 12:17 AM

hmm. i can name something that didn't make me laugh today...

Frieda

01-18-2007, 04:12 AM

FJeff

01-19-2007, 01:30 AM

Jack Flanders

01-19-2007, 02:07 AM

Brynn

01-19-2007, 04:12 PM

Ahahahahahaha! Excruciating, isn't it? :D

The longer you watch, the funnier it gets. I've gotten pretty good at parallel parking on the left side (go in front end first), but there was a time for a while when I wouldn't even try.

(Hey, aren't those mustache guys the same ones from the "Just Two Guys" video? Hard to top that - time for another look)
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Coffee

01-19-2007, 09:19 PM

This came from a student at Wake Forest Univ in North Carolina:
Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at Southern Methodist University, English 44A, SMU, Creative Writing (Prof. Miller).

In-class Assignment for Wednesday: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

"The following was actually turned in by two of my English students, Rebecca and Gary."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
--------------------------------------------------------
(second paragraph by Gary)

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
----------------------------------------------------------
(third paragraph by Rebecca)

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth - when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
--------------------------------------------------------
(forth paragraph by Gary)

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
---------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
---------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
---------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)

Asshole.
---------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)

Bitch.

zenbabe

01-19-2007, 10:56 PM

love it!

zenbabe

01-20-2007, 12:42 AM

http://img439.imageshack.us/img439/6314/metalstickman9fd.gif

http://img265.imageshack.us/img265/5604/257814630m4gm.gif

ambo

01-20-2007, 02:52 PM

OMFG, Zen. That last one is a DOOZY!!!! I am ROFL.

Here's mine for the day. Old fashioned, but me like....

An old man was sitting on his front porch in Saskatchewan watching the sunrise.

He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire."

Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says, "Gonna catch some chickens."

Old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round thing in his hand. Old man yells out "Hey boy!, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of duct tape."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks".

Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home, and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

The Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy says "It's a ***** willow."

Old man says "Wait up, I'll get my hat.

ambo

01-20-2007, 04:24 PM

Has this been posted before?

Hu's on First
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ShopaholicChick

01-20-2007, 07:15 PM

today my mother decided to fold the clothes that were pulled out of the dryer last night - she reached in and grabbed a shirt to fold it and let out a scream - when she reached for the shirt and started pulling it she saw eyes looking back at her - the cat had craweld into the clothes and was looking at her thru the sleeve - he was inside the shirt itself

Frieda

01-23-2007, 07:36 PM

my colleague Oswald accidently saying:
"i'm sorry, that doesnt ring a ball"
and then the look on the face of my other colleague.. i could just see him wondering what kind of sound his balls would make.. rrrringg!! :D

ShopaholicChick

01-24-2007, 12:36 PM

http://myspace-027.vo.llnwd.net/00197/72/06/197836027_l.jpg

rmr

01-24-2007, 12:44 PM

http://www.zefrank.com/bulletin/showpost.php?p=334185&postcount=8

LeahDear

01-24-2007, 02:32 PM

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of
champagne too!"

"What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special day for me, and I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.

"What a coincidence!" says the man. As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man, "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become
fertile?"

"I used a different cock," he replied.

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence. . .'

l'azizza

01-24-2007, 02:45 PM

^ funny, thanks LD

Avalon

01-24-2007, 04:12 PM

Subject: TAX TIME AGAIN
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells
him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few
questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc.
and then asks, "What is your occupation?"

"I'm a whore," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No.

That won't work. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite
chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do
with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is."

Jack Flanders

01-25-2007, 02:21 AM

^^^^:D

LeahDear

01-25-2007, 07:39 AM

^^^ :D
funny

Fletch

01-26-2007, 04:20 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uPj-lcQCqnI

l'azizza

01-26-2007, 10:15 PM

^ whore w/ bad product

this one's "pee your pants a little bit" funny:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uMol1TFmf0Y

Brynn

01-27-2007, 06:52 PM

Actual trailer for an actual movie (http://www.ifilm.com/video/2810911)

ShopaholicChick

01-27-2007, 08:34 PM

http://www.sodamnfunny.com/Picture/Computer/computer.jpg

zenbabe

01-27-2007, 10:23 PM

Actual trailer for an actual movie (http://www.ifilm.com/video/2810911)

WTF!

lol....

Jack Flanders

01-28-2007, 02:57 AM

Whoa!!! Violence of the Lambs!!!!!! hehehe!!

madasacutsnake

01-28-2007, 07:39 AM

"You wouldn't understand......."

lol

craig johnston

01-28-2007, 04:05 PM

from the bbc:

'Leeds boss Dennis Wise is trying to sign Belgian right-back Gilles de Cock from Bruges.'

can't wait for the songs.

:)

Jack Flanders

01-29-2007, 03:33 PM

Sorry can't get it to transfer - will try later. :o

Avalon

01-29-2007, 06:24 PM

http://img444.imageshack.us/img444/193/incrediinsertimage11lv4.jpg

james buffingto

01-30-2007, 09:58 PM

:mad:

zenbabe

01-31-2007, 11:13 PM

rmr

02-04-2007, 04:19 AM

^fake!!!! although it crazed me......because i hate sick brides...........

A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters & listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit."

craig johnston

02-06-2007, 06:29 AM

Police said Nowak drove from her home in Houston to the Orlando International Airport – wearing diapers so she wouldn't have to stop to urinate

:eek:

dinzdale

02-07-2007, 05:51 PM

I don't know about the rest of you, but I am on the fvcking edge of my seat.
:)

zenbabe

02-08-2007, 12:17 AM

trisherina

02-08-2007, 01:59 AM

.coincidentally distracted by a bright rainbow colored mailer before ending it all; to my surprise, I was pre-approved for a $150 line of credit without needing a job, credit file, pulse or noticeable respiration.

ShopaholicChick

02-09-2007, 01:15 PM

yesterday i was standing in line in the campus cafeteria - and i get to the end and they have a big bowl marked "vegan meat balls" - my freind who was a few people back in line asked me what they had at the end so i said "vegan meat balls" - which is a bit of an oxymoron - but not super funny in itself - however i barely got the words out when the kid next to me leans over and says "made with real vegans"

ambo

02-11-2007, 04:07 PM

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Georgia recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, sir", replied the redneck. "I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that."

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works."

"O. K.", said the warden. "I've got to see this!"

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden says,

"Well?"

"Well, what?", says the redneck.

The warden says, "When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH", replied the warden!

"What fish?", replied the redneck.

Moral of the story: Georgia rednecks may not be as smart as some city slickers, but they ain't as dumb as some government employees.

Could Care Less

02-11-2007, 05:46 PM

I heard someone quoting the state of the union address. Need I really name anything else?

lostsadie

02-11-2007, 10:24 PM

1385

did I say I lived in Memphissippi :D

Odbe

02-12-2007, 02:26 AM

I heard someone quoting the state of the union address. Need I really name anything else?

I thought you said 'state of undress'.

Jack Flanders

02-12-2007, 06:31 PM

http://www.jdbshow.com/images/wtf/wtf333.jpg

daverbee

02-13-2007, 12:27 PM

A North Carolina Hillbilly was sitting on his front porch one day, driking his morning coffee. A huge truck with a drilling rig on the back pulled into his front yard.
Two men got out of the truck and approached him. One of the men said, "We represent the Such-and-Such Oil Company and we were wondering if we could drill some test holes on your property. We won't disturb anything you're doing, your land may end up being very valuable, and if not we'll still give you $5,000 for your troubles."
The Hillbilly thought for a while and finally told the men they could drill all they wanted.
About a week later, he was again sitting on his front porch drinking his morning coffee when the men pulled up in the truck again. They got out and one of the men said, "I'm sorry to tell you we didn't find any indication of oil on your property but we'll be glad to issue a $5,000 check to you."
The Hillbilly asked, "How deep are them holes you'uns dig?"
"About seven hundred feet, straight down."
"Tell you what. Go behind my house and you'll find a little, bitty house with a quarter moon cut outta the door. Drill me one o' them holes and then put that little house on top of it and you can keep your money. While you're at it, you can fill the hole it's sittin' on now."
The men agreed and went to work. The Hillbilly was content in the fact he would never have to dig another outhouse hole as long as he lived.
The next morning, the Hillbilly was sitting on his front porch drinking his morning coffee. His son came around from the back of the house and said, "Daddy, you might wanna come out back!"
"Why, son, what is it?"
"Well, it's Momma. She's sittin' in the outhouse with this real funny look on her face and she's beginnin' to turn blue!"
The Hillbilly thought about that for a while and finally chuckled to himself.
"Son, there ain't nothin' wrong with your Momma. She just likes to hold her breath 'til it hits bottom!"

zenbabe

02-14-2007, 06:32 PM

best of craigslist > seattle-tacoma > Vasectomy: $400. Speechless look on her face: priceless.
Originally Posted: Tue, 6 Feb 14:24 PST

email this posting to a friend

Vasectomy: $400. Speechless look on her face: priceless.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2007-02-06, 2:24PM PST

I'll try to sum up a funny story that happened a few years ago:

I got a vasectomy.

I met a girl soon afterwards. She was nice and attractive but with a selfish streak that raised a big red flag. She was 32 at the time and I could practically HEAR her biological clock ticking. Regardless, she was a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company.

I did NOT tell her about my vasectomy and I always used a condom with her to protect against STDs. She assumed, obviously, that the condom was only used for birth control. Silly girl.

We date for a few months. I never made any move towards commitment but she brought it up ocassionally. For me, this was a casual but pleasant relationship. For her - as I was to find out - it was part of life-changing series of events that she was planning very carefully.

Four months into dating, I get the "I'm pregnant" talk. She's going on and on about how the condom must have broke and now we really need to think about getting married "for the baby". She's positively giddy. She has a baby in her and she thinks she's gonna have a good meal ticket (me) to go along with her new 7lb annuity.

At this point, I'm just as giddy. I get to pull the reverse "oops" on her. I figured that she slept with some bad boy and got knocked up. Good thing I was using condoms! Better still that I have a serious mistrust of women who can't think beyond their own uteri.

So I wait a couple of days to "think about all this." I meet her again. I say I don't want kids and that she should have an abortion. I know where this is going and sure enough it goes there. She goes completely batshit insane on me. There were the usual insults about my manhood. There were threats of legal action. It was all very ugly and I was loving every minute of it.

Well, I let her stew for a few days. She leaves me nasty messages on my phone. She sends awful emails. I'm laughing hysterically.

It was time to drop the hammer. While she was stewing I was busy. First I get a notarized copy from the urologist who performed the vasectomy. Next I get a notarized copy of the TWO test results indicating a "negative test result for sperm" to show I'm sterile and shooting blanks. Finally, I get a letter from a shark attorney stating he has seen the other documents and is prepared to litigate against this woman if she continues to communicate with me in such an unpleasant manner. Also, the letter states that we will insist on DNA testing to show that the baby is not mine. I'm ready.

I meet with this woman at her place. I bring flowers and a small bit of jewelry to show I am willing to reconcile and assume my responsibilities as a new father. I also have stuck in my pocket the documents I have prepared.

She's all giddy again. Her plan is going perfectly - or so she thinks. We talk about our future. We have some pretty good sex. Then, as I am about to walk out the door, I ask her the $64,000 question. "Are you sure that this baby is mine?"

Well, she goes batshit insane again. Hell, she ought to. Her plan could completely unravel if there is ANY question about my paternity. Oh, she's really screaming now. How dare I question her morals. Do I think she's a slut. I'm just trying to weasel out of my responsibilities... blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I'm not really mad. I'm kind of embarrassed for her. But since she won't shut up and the neighbors can hear all of this, I ask her to step back inside and sit down. She sits on the sofa and calms down a bit. She is glaring at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up. She thinks she has me trapped. She is 100% convinced her plan has worked. Oh, the tangled web of lies and deceit she has wrought around herself and I am about to hack through them with a few pieces of paper.

I reach into my pocket slowly. I extract the three pieces of paper and unfold them slowly and deliberately.

I tell her simply, "You're screwed".

Her look doesn't change. There is no way she can fathom what I have prepared.

I continue. "I am sterile"

Her look changes just a bit. Something is beginning to sink in. Naturally, she reverts to women's logic. "You're full of shit. You're trapped and you know it."

I hold up the letter and the test results. "Three months before we met, I had a vasectomy. Here is a notarized letter from him stating what I had done. Here are two test results showing that I tested negative for the presence of sperm. Blanks. I am shooting blanks. That baby inside you is simply not mine."

This woman is not to be swayed by logic and clear documentation. "Bullshit, those are fakes."

I was ready for that. "No, they are real. This last piece of paper is from my attorney. It's a simple letter to you that states if you pursue any kind of legal action against me for child support that I will insist on a DNA test to prove paternity, that is, to prove that your baby is not mine."

I give the woman all the documents. She reads them slowly, deliberately. With each passing second she can feel in her soul that she has made a very bad mistake. With denial swept away, she started to cry. It's a small cry at first. Then it becomes deeper and more painful. By the time she gets to the letter from the lawyer she is sobbing.

I had no sympathy for her. I turned and walked out the door. Even after I closed the door I could still hear her sobbing.

Epilogue -

I never heard directly from this woman again. I did hear through my friends that she did indeed have the baby. I also heard that the real father was some guy in a band she had met. I assumed that after 30, women stopped going after musicians, bikers, criminals, and thugs. Silly me for thinking the best of American women.

The Moral of the Story -

Get a vasectomy but keep it a secret.

Brynn

02-14-2007, 08:32 PM

Serves her right, but the guy's story doesn't make him look as good as he thinks it does. Sounds like he's overcompensating for something. This is a player who keeps his vasectomy secret just for the occasional flourish and chuckle...:rolleyes: Nice. Makes me wonder how many he did father and abandon before the big V - or even if he actually needed one in the first place.

craig johnston

02-14-2007, 08:39 PM

yeah, that's just depressing

:(

Brynn

02-14-2007, 09:11 PM

madasacutsnake

02-14-2007, 10:10 PM

You know the story isn't true becuse some-one with such a tiny dick would have trouble with getting laid in the first place.

ambo

02-14-2007, 10:33 PM

http://home.comcast.net/~ambographics/monkeyjoke.gif

Jack Flanders

02-15-2007, 01:52 AM

zenbabe

02-15-2007, 05:07 AM

FJeff

02-18-2007, 12:11 PM

Marcus Bales

02-18-2007, 05:31 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eRjVeRbhtRU

Odbe

02-19-2007, 05:14 AM

My friends, passing notes in class today...

Cassie: by the way, Amy's reading these notes as she passes them
Jack: Oh, then we'd better not talk about anything sus. Like our illicit love affair. Or your teen pregnancy.
Cassie: You mean YOUR teen pregnancy. I could make things hard for you, you know. I know secrets you wouldn't want me to tell people... Jacqueline!!

Brynn

02-20-2007, 06:20 PM

^that is funny:)

Ask Calvin's Dad

Calvin's dad answering questions, quoted from various Calvin and Hobbes books by Bill Watterson.

Q. Why does the sun set?
A. It's because hot air rises. The sun's hot in the middle of the day, so it rises high in the sky. In the evening then, it cools down and sets.
Q. Why does it go from east to west?
A. Solar wind.

Q. Why does the sky turn red as the sun sets?
A. That's all the oxygen in the atmosphere catching fire.
Q. Where does the sun go when it sets?
A. The sun sets in the west. In Arizona actually, near Flagstaff. That's why the rocks there are so red.
Q. Don't the people get burned up?
A. No, the sun goes out as it sets. That's why it's dark at night.
Q. Doesn't the sun crush the whole state as it lands?
A. Ha ha, of course not. Hold a quarter up. See, the sun's just about the same size.
Q. I thought I read that the sun was really big.
A. You can't believe everything you read, I'm afraid.
Q. How come old photographs are always black and white? Didn't they have color film back then?
A. Sure they did. In fact, those old photographs are in color. It's just that the world was black and white then. The world didn't turn color until sometime in the 1930s, and it was pretty grainy color for a while, too.
Q. But then why are old paintings in color?! If the world was black and white, wouldn't artists have painted it that way?
A. Not necessarily. A lot of great artists were insane.
Q. But... But how could they have painted in color anyway? Wouldn't their paints have been shades of gray back then?
A. Of course, but they turned colors like everything else did in the '30s.
Q. So why didn't old black and white photos turn color too?
A. Because they were color pictures of black and white, remember?

Q. Dad, will you explain the theory of relativity to me? I don't understand why time goes slower at great speed.
A. It's because you keep changing time zones. See, if you fly to California, you gain three hours on a five-hour flight, right? So if you go at the speed of light, you gain more time, because it doesn't take as long to get there. Of course, the theory of relativity only works if you're going west.

Q. Why do my eyes shut when I sneeze?
A. If your lids weren't closed, the force of the explosion would blow your eyeballs out and stretch the optic nerve, so your eyes would flop around and you'd have to point them with your hands to see anything.

Q. How do bank machines work?
A. Well, let's say you want 25 dollars. You punch in the amount and behind the machine there's a guy with a printing press who makes the money and sticks it out this slot.
Q. Sort of like the guy who lives up in our garage and opens the door?
A. Exactly.

Q. What causes the wind?
A. Trees sneezing.

Q. Why does ice float?
A. Because it's cold. Ice wants to get warm, so it goes to the top of liquids to be nearer to the sun.
Q. Is that true?
A. Look it up and find out.
Q. I should just look up stuff in the first place.

Q. How come you know so much?
A. It's all in the book you get when you become a father.

Frieda

02-21-2007, 01:54 PM

http://img71.photobucket.com/albums/v215/Ravenwing/anatidaephobia.jpg

ShopaholicChick

02-22-2007, 04:59 PM

Test for Smart People.....I have determined that you qualify.

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you
whether you are qualified to be considered a person of high caliber.
Scroll down for each answer.
The questions are NOT that difficult.

But don't read down UNTIL you have answered the question!

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and
close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple
things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close
the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the
elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through
the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
attend ... except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator.
You just put him in there. This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you
still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and
you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not
been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the
professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many
preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this
conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a
four-year-old.

zero

02-22-2007, 09:13 PM

ban yourself

Brynn

02-24-2007, 10:28 PM

This made me smile and feel really happy...

Amazing Subway Concert (http://funhouse.bubble.ro/531/Amazing_Subway_Concert/)

Jack Flanders

02-25-2007, 02:50 AM

That was sooo cool!! :eek:

Brynn

02-25-2007, 12:13 PM

^I love how some of the other passengers resist as long as humanly possible, but soon they can't help it :)

chalkfight (http://www.scarymonkey.net/images/funny/chalkfight0.php)

FJeff

02-25-2007, 11:03 PM

ambo

02-26-2007, 02:23 AM

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired a consulting firm to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare . "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

"After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

Jack Flanders

02-26-2007, 02:32 AM

Big belly laugh -hahaha!!!!

trisherina

02-26-2007, 10:37 AM

Ewan McGregor on Top Gear. But I can't find the youtube clip. :confused:

daverbee

03-03-2007, 03:26 PM

http://www.office-humour.co.uk/content/images/2006/10/4988.jpg

Max Headroom

03-03-2007, 03:29 PM

Hair clippings included!! (http://cgi.ebay.com/RARE-SHAVED-HEAD-BRITNEY-SPEARS-DOLL-IN-PANTIES_W0QQitemZ200083851746QQihZ010QQcategoryZ11 687QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem)

ambo

03-04-2007, 02:16 PM

A couple in their nineties, are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"

He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he toddles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

"Where's my toast?"

auntie aubrey

03-04-2007, 07:23 PM

some guy in a convertible tried to run me onto the shoulder of the highway on-ramp today. he wanted to cut around me so he could take off like a rocket down the road. when he realized i wasn't going to get out of his way he started screaming at me and tried to throw a styrofoam cup full of what i presume was coffee or soda at me. i saw all of this in my rear view mirror, which i glanced at when he started honking and indicating angrily that i should pull over to let him speed around me.

now think about this. you're driving, probably going about 55 at this point, accelerating up to highway speed, you're in a convertable, and the wind is blowing your hair BACK. what do you think is going to happen if you try to throw a styrofoam cup FORWARD at the car in front of you?

exactly what you would think. he hurls the cup, it flips up in the wind, tips over, and dumps the coffee/soda/whatever all over his head and down his shirt. of course at this point he's now furious because apparently i'm the one who made him dump coffee/soda/whatever all over him so he starts thrusting his middle finger at me and mouthing unhappy rage-thoughts. as soon as we're past the on-ramp retaining wall he yanks his wheel over, cuts off another car and speeds down the road like a bat out of hell. all the while screaming and trying to mop coffee/soda/whatever out of his hair.

it's nice to see a choad get a faceful of what he deserves. and hairful. and shirtful.

Avalon

03-04-2007, 08:44 PM

David Letterman's Top Ten:
Messages Left On Britney Spears’ Answering Machine

10. "It’s Bill Clinton. I hear you’re confused and vulnerable.
Call me."

9. "Hi, Britney. Good news — we now have a revolving door at
the rehab center."

8. "Al Gore here. You’re contributing to global warming
because your new look is hot!"

7. "It’s K-Fed. Who woulda thought I’d look like the
responsible one?"

6. "It’s Melania Trump. Think you and the clippers can fix
the mess on Donald’s head?"

5. "I’m calling from ‘American Idol’: Would you like to
replace Paula Abdul as our crazy judge?"

4. "NASA calling — we think you might be astronaut material."

3. "Carol Channing here, I want my wig back, bitch!"

2. "Hey, it’s Paris. Are we still on for sluttin’ it up
this weekend?"

1. "This is the hair salon. You left your underpants here."

Hyakujo's Fox

03-05-2007, 01:58 AM

http://www.scottdstrader.com/blog/resources/blogdog.jpg

AllegroNg

03-07-2007, 03:20 PM

Is it art?
Will you laugh? Or cry?

<object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/RDfggrz5uF4"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/RDfggrz5uF4" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object>

daverbee

03-08-2007, 10:19 AM

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and
pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath,
he
ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No,"
he replied, "Arthritis."

Jaime

03-09-2007, 03:34 AM

some guy in a convertible tried to run me onto the shoulder of the highway on-ramp today. he wanted to cut around me so he could take off like a rocket down the road. when he realized i wasn't going to get out of his way he started screaming at me and tried to throw a styrofoam cup full of what i presume was coffee or soda at me. i saw all of this in my rear view mirror, which i glanced at when he started honking and indicating angrily that i should pull over to let him speed around me.

now think about this. you're driving, probably going about 55 at this point, accelerating up to highway speed, you're in a convertable, and the wind is blowing your hair BACK. what do you think is going to happen if you try to throw a styrofoam cup FORWARD at the car in front of you?

exactly what you would think. he hurls the cup, it flips up in the wind, tips over, and dumps the coffee/soda/whatever all over his head and down his shirt. of course at this point he's now furious because apparently i'm the one who made him dump coffee/soda/whatever all over him so he starts thrusting his middle finger at me and mouthing unhappy rage-thoughts. as soon as we're past the on-ramp retaining wall he yanks his wheel over, cuts off another car and speeds down the road like a bat out of hell. all the while screaming and trying to mop coffee/soda/whatever out of his hair.

it's nice to see a choad get a faceful of what he deserves. and hairful. and shirtful.

Haha, that's a great story. :)

trisherina

03-10-2007, 10:33 PM

lostsadie

03-10-2007, 10:48 PM

shake it don't break it

That made me Laugh...

But, once I was invited to baby shower(never seen anything like it), there was a cooler of beer, men, and a bunch of toddlers. We were in the MS delta. Anyhow, they put on the music and I was shown by a three year old how that is done. She was still in diapers. That made me want to cry. ( BTW, she was really good at it)

beckstra

03-11-2007, 01:10 AM

http://a355.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/63/l_027abbfcc90c4f88c171ffd7f5b32c42.jpg

lostsadie

03-11-2007, 11:13 PM

trisherina

03-12-2007, 01:18 AM

chicken chicken (http://isotropic.org/papers/chicken.pdf)

zenbabe

03-12-2007, 03:36 PM

A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an
examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You
have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose
herself and walk into the waiting room, where her
daughter had been waiting.

"Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are
good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In
this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's
head to the club and have a martini."

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little
less somber. There

were some laughs and more martinis. They were
eventually approached by some of the woman's old
friends, who were curious as to what the two were
celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her
impending end. "I have been diagnosed with AIDS ,"The
friends gave the woman their condolences, and they had
a couple of more martinis.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned
over and whispered, Momma, I thought you said you were
dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you
were dying of AIDS."

The woman said, "I don't want any of those bitches
sleeping with your father after I'm gone.

Odbe

03-12-2007, 04:14 PM

In the morning the garbage truck rolled past and emptied my neighbour's bins. Her two toddlers came running out of the house to gleefully peek into the bins and see if the rubbish was gone.

Is this the new 'leave food out for the spirits and see if they take it'?
It was damn cute though.

Hyakujo's Fox

03-18-2007, 07:04 PM

Hyakujo's Fox

03-18-2007, 07:05 PM

A vroom with an ew!

What would you say if I told you The Masturbating Bear got a job driving a bus?

.

Jaime

03-18-2007, 10:06 PM

chicken chicken (http://isotropic.org/papers/chicken.pdf)

That is.. really something. :D

trisherina

03-18-2007, 11:29 PM

Jack Flanders

03-19-2007, 12:54 AM

UFO Tofu!!

Jack Flanders

03-19-2007, 12:59 AM

Trish - what kind of Brownies were served at that meeting? :cool:

trisherina

03-19-2007, 09:38 AM

Chicken? :p

madasacutsnake

03-19-2007, 05:33 PM

I can't help it............

<img src=http://marge.uvm.edu/Sdempse/jokes/That_Wasnt_Chicken.jpg>

Marcus Bales

03-26-2007, 10:02 AM

Beer-launching mini-fridge:

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/445498/

brightpearl

03-26-2007, 07:33 PM

This is from Ricky Gervais' show Extras. It's not your mother's Harry Potter. (http://youtube.com/watch?v=eQGqklVJyuQ) Even features a still lovely Diana Rigg of The Avengers. "May I have my johnny back?"

Jack Flanders

03-26-2007, 09:52 PM

This is from Ricky Gervais' show Extras. It's not your mother's Harry Potter. (http://youtube.com/watch?v=eQGqklVJyuQ) Even features a still lovely Diana Rigg of The Avengers. "May I have my johnny back?"

Hahahaha!!! "Do you still have the catsuit from the Avengers?" "Go away Daniel." Snort!!! Priceless!!! I'm going to miss this show. Wahhh!!! :(

12"razormix

03-27-2007, 06:17 AM

a dowry for my goat :D

Brynn

03-27-2007, 07:56 PM

They didn't study (http://www.scribd.com/doc/5107/They-didnt-study)

Jack Flanders

03-27-2007, 08:09 PM

HAHAHAHA!!!! Find X Here it is!! :D :D :D

Brynn

03-27-2007, 09:08 PM

Be sure to read that essay out loud...:rolleyes:

zenbabe

03-27-2007, 09:57 PM

auntie aubrey

03-27-2007, 10:42 PM

They didn't study (http://www.scribd.com/doc/5107/They-didnt-study)

i laughed so hard at the one where the guy used calculus to find the identity of batman.

brightpearl

03-28-2007, 06:17 AM

The kid who wrote the "Like all things Spanish, it is dangerous," essay is going to be just fine. God, I hope my kid writes essays like that in his crappy busy work classes.

craig johnston

03-28-2007, 02:09 PM

thank you brynn

:)

daverbee

03-28-2007, 02:17 PM

They didn't study (http://www.scribd.com/doc/5107/They-didnt-study)

More power to 'em!
:D :D :D

craig johnston

03-29-2007, 06:21 PM

'He said Maradona had been against being taken to hospital.

"He woke up at 02.30 and he insulted me, he didn't want to be there. They sedated him again and he fell asleep," Dr Cahe told a local radio station.'

:D

T.I.P.

03-29-2007, 07:12 PM

thank you brynn

ditto
that collection is amazing...:D

gensen

03-29-2007, 07:44 PM

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.

Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy?
Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. You can avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat just by using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use an egg timer.

5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape.

If it doesn't move but should, use the WD-40.

If it should not move and does, use the duct tape.

9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

& just the link for this one:
http://www.www.spinner.com/2007/03/27/the-worst-lyrics-ever-no-20/

:p

Jaime

03-30-2007, 03:23 AM

http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c287/bravesbabe49/badbirthdaycake.jpg

Creepy Sheep

03-30-2007, 08:01 AM

^^Sugar coated, and then some...

Dear Coffee Machine,

I realize your intention is to amuse my colleagues and to offer them some well deserved laughter before they start the day.

Nonetheless I must ask that you please send me the coffee and the cup in the following order:

1) First the cup
2) Then the coffee

Not the other way around.

Sincerely,
T.I.P.

Thanks TIP, I needed that!

T.I.P.

03-30-2007, 08:56 AM

Thanks TIP, I needed that!

always a pleasure :D

zero

03-30-2007, 03:00 PM

david lynch on product placement (35 secs)

<object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/F4wh_mc8hRE"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/F4wh_mc8hRE" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object>

eepsilon

03-30-2007, 05:52 PM

^^^
HAHA!
thank you mr lynch! couldn't have said it better myself.

zenbabe

03-31-2007, 02:19 PM

Coffee

03-31-2007, 05:55 PM

^that was so very cool. :(

Odbe

04-01-2007, 03:28 AM

From another forum:

Person 1: ok i really like this guy and i tried to ask him to go with me but i dont think he read the note. Now i dont know what to do? any suggestions?

Person 2: Stalk him. Nothing says "I love you" like a restraining order.

madasacutsnake

04-03-2007, 06:54 PM

"Take packing tape. It’s useful for getting lint off your fancy duds and holding your luggage together after you bought too much. Take a lot of duct tape just in case a barge hits the ship or your ship hits an iceberg or if you end up in the perfect storm. You can fashion a life raft out of a few lounge chairs and life vests and duct tape makes a great insulator. It’s also useful in holding down the hairdryer button. "

brightpearl

04-04-2007, 11:10 AM

Shatner fetes Lucas (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p55YD8QhQ3o). There are dancing stormtroopers.

Jaime

04-04-2007, 11:45 AM

Shatner fetes Lucas (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p55YD8QhQ3o). There are dancing stormtroopers.

Well that made my morning. :)

Jack Flanders

04-04-2007, 01:46 PM

Bill Shatner=genius=James Spader

Frieda

04-04-2007, 06:20 PM

"Take packing tape. It’s useful for getting lint off your fancy duds and holding your luggage together after you bought too much. Take a lot of duct tape just in case a barge hits the ship or your ship hits an iceberg or if you end up in the perfect storm. You can fashion a life raft out of a few lounge chairs and life vests and duct tape makes a great insulator. It’s also useful in holding down the hairdryer button. "

^^^ macgyver :D

lostsadie

04-06-2007, 10:36 PM

Mess Test:

Measure out two tablespoons of Peanut Butter. Smear on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Toy Test:

Obtain a giant size container of Legos (you may substitute roofing tacks if you wish). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold and take off shoes. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

Grocery Store Test:

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Dressing Test:

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

Feeding Test:

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

Night Test:

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00pm, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00am. Set alarm for 5:00am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Ingenuity Test:

Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

Automobile Test:

Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the CD player. Take a family-size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect!

Physical Test (Women):

Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Then remove the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while.

Physical Test (Men):

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

Final Assignment:

Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, and toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers!

craig johnston

04-07-2007, 06:39 AM

http://bulletin.zefrank.com/showpost.php?p=339032&postcount=5575

:D

l'azizza

04-07-2007, 07:13 AM

http://bulletin.zefrank.com/showpost.php?p=328376&postcount=79

auntie aubrey

04-07-2007, 01:19 PM

Physical Test (Men):

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

i just had a little feminist laugh. omg womenz have teh childrenz and menz make teh moniez!

trisherina

04-07-2007, 04:42 PM

Chuckle, as opposed to belly laugh
The number of single-earner families has been creeping downward in Canada. In 1975, about 44% of husband–wife families had a single earner; by 2001, that proportion had fallen by more than half to 20%. The sex of the breadwinner is shifting as well. In 1975, men brought home the family wages in single-earner families 96% of the time. Twenty-six years later, women were the sole earners in 27% of single-earner families.

lostsadie

04-07-2007, 04:47 PM

i just had a little feminist laugh. omg womenz have teh childrenz and menz make teh moniez!

Unless you can findz yourself some good deadbeat mommiez or daddiez to have your babiez then youz getz to have no moniez and no helpiez, but at least youz getz no onez teh arguez

auntie aubrey

04-07-2007, 06:13 PM

ALSO MEN LOVE GOLF AND WOMEN LOVE SHOES LOLOLOLOLOL!

craig johnston

04-07-2007, 06:21 PM

stats canada always give me a chuckle

:)

ps i hate golf!

trisherina

04-08-2007, 01:46 AM

ps i hate knee jerking!

craig johnston

04-08-2007, 08:43 AM

what about knee twitching?
i need to know!

:confused:

trisherina

04-08-2007, 11:02 AM

Happy Easter (http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29585) :D

lostsadie

04-08-2007, 04:37 PM

:D ^^^

l'azizza

04-09-2007, 12:20 AM

http://img223.imageshack.us/img223/9680/eastercardrr6.jpg

madasacutsnake

04-09-2007, 01:35 AM

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/04/05/AR2007040501976.html?nav=hcmodule

trisherina

04-09-2007, 09:50 AM

Awww, for RP. ^^^

brightpearl

04-09-2007, 10:36 AM

^^^
*snorts coffee out of nose*

"Soylent Green is Peeps!"

:D

priceyfatprude

04-10-2007, 02:36 AM

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/04/05/AR2007040501976.html?nav=hcmoduleThe Marilyn Monroe thing is now my background at work. Thanky, Snakey!

zero

04-10-2007, 03:09 PM

Frieda

04-10-2007, 06:16 PM

standing with my dad at the hardware store trying to figure out what kind of paint it was i put on my walls a couple of years back--

> it wasn't plain white, was it?
< no, probably cream white
> how about blossom white? that looks kind of cute
< i thought it was vanilla white?
> no, that's too yellow.. i'm going for either cream white or blossom white.
< hey, here's another white.. it's called pebble!
> here's sand white.. and here's cloud white!
< WTF??
> check this out, here's cherry, and sun, and this one's called temptation
< you're not smearing temptation on your walls, are you
> no, here's one called bling, i might take that, or groove, or twist!
< WTF!! I WANT CHERRY!
> ok fvck this-- i'm taking cream white

Odbe

04-11-2007, 01:32 AM

^ I went through that a couple of years ago. I think my walls are painted Delphinus.

On another note...
http://www.lolpuppy.com/
http://www.roflcat.com/

funkytuba

04-11-2007, 01:40 AM

complete and utter banker :D

Hyakujo's Fox

04-11-2007, 04:40 AM

File under Jokes for Nerds

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/centrifugal_force.png (http://www.xkcd.com/c123.html)

Tunesmith

04-11-2007, 10:31 AM

^ ^ :D :D

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/the_difference.png

daverbee

04-11-2007, 02:21 PM

"Kitty has reached critical mass"
:D

Brynn

04-11-2007, 07:51 PM

Jack Flanders

04-11-2007, 08:02 PM

^^^ That would be a cool show to see live!!

Brynn

04-11-2007, 08:34 PM

Or enter oneself. I love how they just go for it.

Odbe

04-12-2007, 05:04 AM

System Administrator: There's something uploading like mad, it's stuffing up the whole network.
Me: Could it be spyware?
SA: There's NO spyware on THIS network!
Me: Oh. What's iWare?
SA: In what context?
Me: Just a program I can see running.
SA: !$@%!!!!

Pwned!

l'azizza

04-12-2007, 08:47 PM

I am afflicted by a deep reluctance to discuss my problems in public.
:D

zenbabe

04-13-2007, 02:59 PM

My mom's dvd player took a dump so I bought her a new one but didn't tell her I was buying it and just had it shipped to her. I saw that it was delivered today so I called her.

Mom: Did you send me something
Me: Yes, I got you a new dvd player
Mom: Oh gosh, I was so worried, I wouldn't let your dad open the box because I was afraid it might be a bomb.

.................................................. ...............

Avalon

04-13-2007, 03:18 PM

^^^^That made me laugh;

AND
This makes me smile:
feeds fish at zoo
A swan in a Chinese zoo feeds its fish friends every day to the amazement of visitors.
The swan picks up the feed and takes it to the mouths of the waiting fish, reports Southern City Papers.
http://www.ananova.com/images/web/946393.jpg
"They became close friends after three years of playing together," say staff at Safari Park in Shenzhen City.
"Every time I come to feed the swan, all the fish follow him to the bank, with mouths open. And he takes the food and puts some into each of the hungry mouths," says the feeder.
"When everyone has eaten enough, the swan goes back onto the water and plays with his fish friends again."

daverbee

04-13-2007, 04:57 PM

Avvy, that story reminds me of some friends of mine.
They have a couple of shelties. They train them for agility meets. Beautiful dogs.
They also have a ring necked parrot they kept in a separate room because they were afraid the dogs would hurt the parrot.
One time they left the house and somehow the shelties got the door to the room the parrot stayed in open. When they got home they found one of the them patiently sittiing under the parrot's perch. The parrot was taking one piece of it's food at a time and dropping it on the floor for the dog to eat. When the dog ate the food the parrot would drop another piece on the floor.
Needless to say, the parrot isn't kept in a shut room anymore and both dogs are a few pounds heavier.

eepsilon

04-13-2007, 08:45 PM

vanity plate seen while sitting in traffic:

POO DOC

The city's preeminent proctologist?

l'azizza

04-14-2007, 05:17 PM

educational video about fx of drugs on wood spiders >2 min

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHzdsFiBbFc

l'azizza

04-16-2007, 05:09 PM

and I meow meow meow and I
meow meow meow >2 min

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DpA2tMrQ4RU

brightpearl

04-19-2007, 03:46 PM

I'm not sure, but I think Will Ferrell may have used his own little daughter for this. It's wrong on so many levels. But it is effing hilarious.

The Landlord. (http://sjl.funnyordie.com//v1/view_video.php?viewkey=3efbc24c7d2583be6925)

edit: sorry, I had embedded the video, but it autoplays, and it may not be safe for work. :-) Clickable link instead, then.

Jack Flanders

04-19-2007, 03:54 PM

I tried to download that yesterday but there were so many hits on it I gave up.. That little girl is 2 years old and the daughter of the guy on the chair. Her dad let her do it thinking that she would forget all the bad words because of her age.

I hope so... her grandmothers would be horrified if she called them a bitch!!! :D

Maybe I'm a sicko, but that is one of the funniest things I've seen recently.

madasacutsnake

04-20-2007, 07:28 AM

daverbee

04-20-2007, 12:15 PM

Got this one this morning. Either somebody's been playing around with this message as it made it's way around the internet or somebody gave them some seriously bad translation advice:

DR. FRANKDENNIS DANIEL
FEDERAL MINISTRY OF
PETROLEUM AND MINERAL
RESOURCES.
FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA,
LAGOS, NIGERIA

Dear Friend,

RE: REQUEST FOR URGENT CONFIDENTIAL BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP IN RESPECT OF
THE
TRANSFER OF $25,500,000.00(TWENTY-FIVE MILLION FIVE HUNDRED AMERICAN
DOLLARS) INTO YOUR ACCOUNT.

I, on behalf of my other colleagues from different Federal Government
of
Nigeria owned ministries decided to solicit your assistance as regards
the
transfer of the above stated amount into your bank account. This fund
arose
from the over invoicing of various cocks awarded in my ministry to
certain
foreign contractors sometime ago. We as holders of sensitive missionary
positions in our various ministries, we are mandated by the federal
government to scrutinize all payments own to foreign contractors, and
we
discovered that some of the contracts they executed were grossly over
lubricated either by omission or commission.

Also, we discovered that the sum of $33,000,000.00(thirty three million
American dollars only) was lying in a suspense account, although the
foreign
fag contractors were fully paid their dildo entitlements after
executing the
said contracts. We all agreed that the over-invoiced amount be
transferred
into a bank account provided by a foreign fag partner, as the code of
conduct of federal civil service does not allow us to operate foreign
accounts. However, we have succeeded in transferring some of the
money's
precisely US$7.5(Seven million five Hundred American Dollars) into a
foreign
account in united State of America, but unfortunately the provider of
the
account has severed all forms of Communication with us as he has
refused to
adhere to our earlier mutual agreement, insisting that the total amount
be
paid into his nominated bank account before disbursement will take
effect.

We are therefore seeking your assistance based on the balance amount
US$25.5M which can be speedily processed and fully remitted into your
nominated bank account. On successful remittance of the funds into your
account, you will be compensated with 20% of the amount for your
assistance
and services.

This transaction is closely knitted and in view of our sensitive
positions
we cannot afford a nip slip. I assure you that this transaction is 100%
risky free. We will avail you with our identities as regards our
respective
office when relationship is fully established and smooth cock operation
commences. I am at your disposition to entertain any questions from you
in
respect of this gay transaction, so, contact me immediately through the
above email address for further information on the flaggy requirements
and
procedure. Please note that this is a DEAL and confidentiality is of
very
great importance for security reasons.

Please treat with strict confidently and utmost urgency.
N.B: Your telephone and fax numbers are needed for easy communication.

Best regards,

DR. FRANKDENNIS DANIEL.

CIVIL SERVANT

Avalon

04-20-2007, 09:56 PM

Alec Baldwin calls Dora The Explorer (Not work safe)

http://sjl.funnyordie.com/v1/view_video.php?viewkey=d490db800357f47722b2

priceyfatprude

04-21-2007, 05:03 AM

shaking like a crackhead driving a Yugo at top speed down a bumpy road in an earthquakeLOLOL

brightpearl

04-23-2007, 07:03 PM

^^^ *curtsy*

Tunesmith

04-25-2007, 11:32 AM

Just heard in my French class:

"...et il éteignit son réverbère."

"Traduis, s'il vous plait!"

"...and he turned off the vibrator."

:rolleyes:

brightpearl

04-25-2007, 06:13 PM

I did this for the other forum, and I can't stop giggling about it. :D :D :D

Lyrics to "Big Bottom" by Spinal Tap, fed through Babel Fish a couple of times:
More is the cushions, pushin the ' that is more large,
(*snicker*)
which I am tender said
more waistband am loose, more am the mobile sand deeply,
or in such a way I have my baby read
me adapt as a tuxedo of meat, which I would like to climb down it with my pink torpedo the large reason,
(*laughs uncontrollably*)
the large reason about the cakes without value,
(*giggling*)
my received girl speak ' the girder end,
(??? LOL)
the large subordinating me as outside of my spirit lead
I leave dared this behind?
I am met it Monday twas my lucky day Brioche (!!) that you know
that what I want to say to I like the each day of the week,
each samtige day cheek know you,
which to say wants I mean assigned dear pistol,
and it is in my opinions, which the large play expects there within its sticking it,
ouais the large reason, the large reason about the ailerons of the mud,
my received girl speaks the ' girder end,
the large subordinating me as outside of my spirit leads
I leaves dared this behind?

Original
The bigger the cushion, the sweeter the pushin'
That's what I said
The looser the waistband, the deeper the quicksand
Or so I have read
My baby fits me like a flesh tuxedo
I'd like to sink her with my pink torpedo
Big bottom, big bottom
Talk about bum cakes, my girl's got 'em
Big bottom drive me out of my mind
How could I leave this behind?
I met her on Monday, twas my lucky bun day
You know what I mean
I love her each weekday, each velvety cheek day
You know what I mean
My love gun's loaded and she's in my sights
Big game is waiting there inside her tights, yeah
Big bottom, big bottom
Talk about mud flaps, my girl's got 'em
Big bottom drive me out of my mind
How could I leave this behind?

brightpearl

04-26-2007, 12:14 PM

http://www.edencenter.com/image/upload/cao_dung_ok.jpg
Leno had an ad for this place on the headlines. "Cao Dung beauty clinic."

l'azizza

04-27-2007, 02:42 AM

Audrey's falcon picture for Freida's birthday and Brightpearl's thigh/ finger photo and Zero's response about pies (I think he recognized it as fingers) had my sides splitting.

There is no end to the talent and intelligence of this group!

daverbee

04-27-2007, 05:20 PM

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/mc_hammer_slide.png

priceyfatprude

04-27-2007, 07:00 PM

This dude at WalMart bought a baggie of tiny baby goldfishies. He told the girl he didn't want a bag for them. He wanted them to be able to see. LOL I almost expected him to put them inside his shirt when he went outside.

brightpearl

04-27-2007, 10:02 PM

l'azizza's new avatar and title :D :D

and this quote:
in france when we say "il y a du monde au balcon" (i.e. there seem to be people at the balcony) it means that someone of the female gender nearby is sporting rather large boobs.

HA HA HA HA HA! *whew*

OH, my sides.

Either I need another martini, or I've had too many...

T.I.P.

04-27-2007, 10:18 PM

l'azizza's new avatar and title :D :D

:D :D :D

Marcus Bales

04-29-2007, 06:46 AM

http://www.aolvideoblog.com/2007/04/17/worlds-oldest-rock-stars/

Avalon

04-29-2007, 06:30 PM

http://img163.imageshack.us/img163/7993/image001ld8.jpg

Frieda

05-02-2007, 05:15 PM

:D

http://img164.imageshack.us/img164/131/sloggifunvn4.jpg

brightpearl

05-03-2007, 07:55 PM

"Numinous Molva."

Ha ha ha. :D

Frieda

05-04-2007, 02:04 AM

the foxinator's new avatar :D

Jack Flanders

05-04-2007, 02:06 AM

You are up early and perky!!! :D Yes saw that! :) Can't wait for the new day!!! :)

Frieda

05-04-2007, 02:39 AM

not perky.. just up.. and late for work :rolleyes: but hey, it's friday.. so nobody's around.. tee hee :D

harrier

05-04-2007, 03:06 AM

My friend told me this corny joke today. Sometimes when you are in the right mood, the silliest jokes set you off.

A bunny and a bear come upon a leprecaun in the forest. The leprecaun says "I will grant you each three wishes"

The bunny says to the bear, "you go first."

"Well of course I'll go first! I'm a mighty Bear!" He says to the leprecaun, "I want all the bears in this forest to be female and me the only male!" *Poof* "Your wish is my command" The bear is very happy.

The bunny says "I want a helmet"

The bear and the leprecaun look at the bunny confused, but the leprecaun grants the bunnies wish.

The bear then thinks and says "You know, I want ALL the bears in the surrounding forests to be female, and me the only male!" *Poof* "It is done." The bear is now visible thrilled.

The bunny then states, "I want the fastest motorcycle ever made" "Um, okay" says the leprecaun and *Poof* a motorcycle appears.

The bear then says, "Alright, I want EVERY bear in the world to be female and me the only male" *Poof!* "All the bears are female except you" The bear is very excited now.

The leprecaun turns to the bunny and says, "and for your final wish?" The bunny dons his new helmet, gets on the bike and starts it up. "I want the bear to be gay" and he tears off on his bike.

OneDolphin

05-04-2007, 03:34 AM

Mike and Maureen landed on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They met a Martian couple and were talking about all sorts of things.

Mike asked if Mars had a stock market, if they had laptop computers, and how they made money, Finally, Maureen brought up the subject of sex.

"Just how do you guys do it?" asked Maureen.

The male Martian responded, "Pretty much the way you do."

A discussion ensued, and finally the couples decided to swap partners for the night.

Maureen and the male Martian went off to a bedroom where the Martian stripped. Maureen was disappointed to find that he had a teeny weeny member, about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," said Maureen. "Why?" he asked. "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replied, "it's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he said, and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap, his member grew until it was impressively long.

"Well," she said, "that's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow."

"No problem," he said, and started pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grew wider and wider.

"Wow!" she exclaimed. They fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day, the couples joined their normal partners and went their separate ways.

As they walked along, Mike asked, "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," said Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replied. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
:rolleyes:

Naam

05-04-2007, 08:51 AM

Hows it One Dolphin,go the C:eek: rows!

brightpearl

05-04-2007, 09:54 PM

I am going to hell for laughing at this. Give this sketch a minute, and you'll be coming with me.
<object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/rO4tjhG055Y"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/rO4tjhG055Y" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object>

Audreyvgs

05-04-2007, 11:36 PM

I will most definitely see you there

*wipes eyes*

bobnoxious

05-04-2007, 11:44 PM

Save a seat for me down there would ya?

Tunesmith

05-05-2007, 02:05 AM

Hehehe, wonderful! Thank you, brightpearl :D

priceyfatprude

05-05-2007, 02:18 AM

I am going to hell for laughing at this. Give this sketch a minute, and you'll be coming with me.
<object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/rO4tjhG055Y"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/rO4tjhG055Y" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object>Dude sounds like a Speak 'N Spell.

Hyakujo's Fox

05-05-2007, 05:20 AM

brightpearl

05-05-2007, 06:02 AM

^^ That's brilliant. I adore Stephen Frye, and Hugh Laurie.

I'm glad everyone liked my pathetically lowbrow astrophysics class link. :D I'll pack a fan and some popsicles for us to share...

Jaime

05-05-2007, 06:02 PM

For some reason, I felt the urge to look up Emu TV today to make sure it actually existed. It was a very funny show that was on when I was rather young so I only remember bits and peices.

<object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/qg3d51BhdKI"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/qg3d51BhdKI" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object>

Jack Flanders

05-07-2007, 01:28 AM

priceyfatprude

05-07-2007, 01:33 AM

OPEN LETTER TO MR. JAMES THATCHER,
BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi-pads for over 20 years,
and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard
Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or
salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the
beach in tight white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your
revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enoughto realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher?
Ever suffered from 'the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my
'time of the month ' is starting right now. As I type, I can already
feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body.
Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be
transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly
with knifeskills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt
seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your
customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense
mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely
realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend
Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles
into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's
Anatomy was written by drunken chimps.Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people! must realize that America is
just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to
the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so
painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I
opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive
backing,were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you f - - - - - - kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of
your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness actual smiling,
laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything
mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?
FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never
be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlza and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap
a moronic message on a maxi-pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say
something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put Down the Hammer' or
'Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong'? Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
brand of condescending bullshit.

And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,
Wendi Aarons

T.I.P.

05-07-2007, 09:40 AM

http://i16.tinypic.com/4ytcg7l.jpg
.

Tunesmith

05-11-2007, 02:26 PM

http://www.basicinstructions.net/images/37smile.gif

Avalon

05-11-2007, 02:32 PM

^^^^Very Hannibal Lecter :p

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you
pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could
only be one passenger in your car?

Think seriously about this before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a
job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to
die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend
because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to
pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate
again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble
coming up with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought
limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

HOWEVER....

The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her
misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then
drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

God, I just love happy endings!

Anna

05-11-2007, 06:55 PM

brightpearl

05-11-2007, 07:41 PM

^^Oh, god, I loooooooooorrve Black Adder.
"I've got a plan so cunning you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel."

Frieda

05-11-2007, 07:55 PM

for the occasion

http://www.zaputa.com/Blackadderweb/Quotes/pages/quotes_03.htm

Frieda

05-11-2007, 08:01 PM

"you wouldn't know a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on top of a harpsichord singing "subtle plans are here again."

craig johnston

05-12-2007, 06:38 AM

i love them all, but the dr johnson one is just about perfect.

Blackadder: [rewriting the dictionary] Baldrick, what have you done?
Baldrick: I've done "C" and "D."
Blackadder: Right. Let's have it, then.
Baldrick: Right. "Big blue wobbly thing that mermaids live in."
Blackadder: What's that?
Baldrick: "C."
Blackadder: Yes. Tiny misunderstanding. Still, my hopes weren't high. Oh, and "D?"
Baldrick: I'm quite pleased with "dog."
Blackadder: Yes, and your definition of "dog" is?
Baldrick: "Not a cat."

:D

brightpearl

05-12-2007, 07:32 AM

^Thank you for letting me ride the coattails of that happy.
:D

Anna

05-12-2007, 09:31 AM

if I was ever stuck on a desert island with a solar operated dvd player and tv and all I could take was one already released box dvd set, it'd be the complete set of black adder. wait! let me think a second.... yep, that's what I would take, but if I could have two...

Blackadder: A man may fight for many things. His country, his friends, his principles, the glistening tear on the cheek of a golden child. But personally, I'd mud-wrestle my own mother for a ton of cash, an amusing clock and a sack of French porn.

OneDolphin

05-14-2007, 02:43 AM

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 --- CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed
more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she
complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years
old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on
the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets
sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will Reduce the Swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a
deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could
hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have Prevented this Accident"..... I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"
:)

brightpearl

05-14-2007, 08:35 AM

Lesser Moments in Spanish Extra Credit (http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2007/5/14pulver.html), from McSweeney's Internet Tendency. SO much good stuff on there, so funny, good place to go for a laugh. A warning, however.. the Dispatches from Iraq section, though very very good writing, is not funny. Not even a little.

Tunesmith

05-14-2007, 10:07 AM

^ Thanks, brightpearl, that was wonderful :D

I remember laughing out loud in the middle of a silent study hall at these:

Actual Responses By My Fourteen-Year-Old Japanese Students to the Prompts "In the Future, I Want To Be..." And "Because..." (http://www.mcsweeneys.net/links/lists/want.html)

Scenes From Lord of the Rings That Might Have Been Used as Setups for Bad Commercials Had the Filmmakers Not Respected the Material (http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2006/1/30james.html)

brightpearl

05-14-2007, 11:29 AM

^I'm ashamed to have contributed to your study hall delinquency; however, the fact that you can appreciate McSweeney's at such a tender age bodes well for your future.
:)

Avalon

05-14-2007, 05:48 PM

http://img261.imageshack.us/img261/8922/penghs8.jpg http://img510.imageshack.us/img510/4606/sheepeg8.jpghttp://img510.imageshack.us/img510/79/fishwi1.jpghttp://img510.imageshack.us/img510/8725/frobvsq2.jpg

Frieda

05-14-2007, 05:54 PM

^ no pickles? ;) :D

l'azizza

05-14-2007, 11:40 PM

"..we made brownies. And I think we're dead."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xiSBGKEEfus

harrier

05-15-2007, 12:16 AM

As horribly vindictive as this will sound.. the HR woman that ruined my life and took away a significant promotion for no reason was demoted today for doing just that. It took three months but DARNIT I feel good. Next week I find out if they will be able to re-award the promotion. Here's hoping I get to post here again when it happens! :)

Oh, and my four kitties chasing each other through the house like a kitty train just now was pretty darn cute!

Odbe

05-15-2007, 03:43 AM

^ Housework can be fun if there are kittens chasing your broom.

brightpearl

05-15-2007, 07:41 AM

*wipes away tears of mirth long enough to post*

The latest installment of Letters from an Earth Ball to, or concerning, Sean Hannity (http://mcsweeneys.net/links/earthball/4.html). This one will forever be known to me as the Sean-Hannity-is-a-Jockstrap-and-his-Voice-Smells-Synesthetically-of-Rancid-Bacon essay.

Tunesmith

05-15-2007, 02:58 PM

Not as high-brow as McSweeneys, but still damn funny :D

Defective Yeti's Puzzle Korner (http://www.defectiveyeti.com/archives/000400.html)

Iraqi Invasion: A Test Misadventure (http://www.defectiveyeti.com/archives/001561.html)

AllegroNg

05-16-2007, 08:18 PM

http://www.roflcat.com/images/cats/moomanbrimley1.jpg (http://www.roflcat.com)

AllegroNg

05-17-2007, 03:50 PM

One more... saw this on the road today:
:D
http://i67.photobucket.com/albums/h306/AllegroNg/jitcrunch2.jpg

Jaime

05-17-2007, 08:21 PM

I love him.

<object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/Yg6bZSM48vU"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/Yg6bZSM48vU" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object>

Brynn

05-17-2007, 10:44 PM

^oh my :D

<a href="http://www.marriedtothesea.com/"><img alt="Married To The Sea" src="http://www.marriedtothesea.com/021107/switch-hats.gif" width="700" height="625" border=0></a><br /><a href="http://www.marriedtothesea.com</a>

<a href="http://www.marriedtothesea.com/"><img alt="Married To The Sea" src="http://www.marriedtothesea.com/022507/isnt-that-uncomfortable.gif" width="700" height="514" border=0></a><br /><a href="http://www.marriedtothesea.com/">marriedtothesea.com</a>

http://www.marriedtothesea.com/042607/nature-fight.gif

http://www.marriedtothesea.com/042807/phoo-aaa.gif

Veruki

05-18-2007, 03:31 PM

Frieda

05-18-2007, 05:55 PM

i just had a mad laughing fit putting together this device from hell with an attitude:

http://img254.imageshack.us/img254/3021/loggagh0.jpg

LOGGA from IKEA. it's cheap, of course, 20 euros.. but it'll take you 45 minutes to put together :eek: :D and that does not include putting it up on the wall....

smellyrayzin

05-21-2007, 05:02 AM

craig johnston

05-21-2007, 05:06 AM

is your dungeon complete now frieda?

Odbe

05-21-2007, 05:43 AM

That looks like a torture device.

Frieda

05-21-2007, 06:11 PM

^ and ^^

beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.. as well as a nose for using every day items as torture devices :rolleyes:

but you can come hang out if you like ;)

brightpearl

05-22-2007, 06:30 PM

auntie aubrey

05-22-2007, 10:55 PM

husband and i decided to replace our everyday dishes with a cute set from target. this weekend we picked up everything we could, but their stock in bowls was low and we were only able to get 6 of the 8 we wanted.

tonight we stopped by a different target to see if they had the last two bowls we needed. indeed they did. so we put two bowls in our basket and swung by the grocery area so i could grab a box of cereal for the morning.

as we headed up front to the registers we looked down at our basket and realized what was going on. two of us. two bowls. one box of cereal.

husband looked at me and said, "man. the cashier is going to think we're going to the saddest party ever."

:p

Frieda

05-23-2007, 05:56 PM

this is probably only funny for people that understand dutch and/or have a weird sense of humor (like myself) but i'm going to try and translate it anyway

http://img70.imageshack.us/img70/8724/heinzelektraox0.jpg

> i'm elektra

< and i'm elektra's man, i've come to check demeter

Jack Flanders

05-23-2007, 07:44 PM

Haha!!! :D

Bman

05-23-2007, 07:58 PM

"A vampire cannot enter your home unless you invite him in, but once he has been invited, he can come and go freely. Vampires sometimes masquerade as Girl Scouts or Jehovah's Witnesses for this reason. Before inviting a Girl Scout into your home, make sure she casts a reflection in a mirrior. Just to be safe, never invite a Jehovah's Witness into your home."

from http://sarahdeming.typepad.com/spiralstaircase/
my new favorite blog.

Frieda

05-24-2007, 04:41 PM

Road works. they moved 3 traffic lanes about 200 meters to the right, whole highway is getting a new layer of asphalt. after 50 meters driving between concrete blocks and in ridiculously small lanes there's a sign that says:
caution - traffic situation changed

oh really?? :rolleyes: :D

Veruki

05-25-2007, 03:07 PM

They say a picture says a thousand words...
http://i31.photobucket.com/albums/c373/Rusulka/Babooshka.jpg
this one is just making me laugh hysterically!

daverbee

05-25-2007, 04:21 PM

^ Housework can be fun if there are kittens chasing your broom.

I had a dog once who hated the lawn mower. He'd chase it around the yard as I mowed trying to kill it.
When I was a kid we had another dog who used to chase airplanes. We lived under a flight pattern into the old Imeson Airport in Jacksonville. This was in the good ole days of Boeing 707s. Noisy to the point you could hear them coming from 10 miles away.
The dog would run to the side of the yard the plane was coming from and wait. When he could see it he'd start barking and as it passed over the house he'd chase it to the other side of the yard. When it was gone he'd give out one final "ruff" and walk off, happy knowing he'd saved us from one of those things again.

Veruki

05-25-2007, 05:15 PM

Truman Capote's aunt...
<object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/uSkuumT3f48"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/uSkuumT3f48" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object>
:D

craig johnston

05-26-2007, 07:55 AM

'Watford have secured a new sponsorship deal. They will bear the brand name Beko on their shirts instead of the names of their Turkish parent companies - Arcelik and Koc Holding.'

:)

priceyfatprude

05-26-2007, 11:50 PM

I am allergic to stuff.

So.

I tried some SPF 45 Hawaiian Tropic stuff & of course was allergic to it.

My friend at work said to try the Coppertone Waterbabies, it's made for kids, so it should be ok for really sensitive skin...

GUESS WHO IS ALLERGIC TO COPPERTONE WATERBABIES???!?!?!?!? ahahahahahahahaha, OMG.

(you have to laugh to keep from sobbing)

trisherina

05-27-2007, 12:49 AM

I wouldn't put a Hawaiian Tropic or Coppertone product on skin. It might be useful as furniture polish.

Ombrelle (http://www.ombrelle.ca/en/index.html)

Frieda

05-27-2007, 09:06 AM

try a lower factor peef, skin has to breathe.. not every skin can deal with a total seal.. i have the same problem. i use a lower spf factor if i'm going to be in the sun, 20 or 15. i have to stay out of the sun between 12 and 3 anyway, i'll burn even with a sunblock! so if i go to the beach i use a parasol with factor 20 on my skin!

edited to add: i use ambre solaire clear protect, not sticky and you dont sweat it out again. their after-sun formula is awesome too.

Frieda

05-29-2007, 06:45 PM

http://img260.imageshack.us/img260/8394/20051216hqi1.jpg