Post something that made you laugh today.

[Aphrodite]

My Weenie's all twisted and bent
to whom in the fark was it lent?
Well, the groceries got stuck
In the door of my truck
while reviewing the Penthouse you sent!

by Aud, Coffee, and Rune

[madasacutsnake]

worst album covers of all time (http://porktornado.diaryland.com/albumcover.html)

[Magpie]

Originally posted by madasacutsnake
worst album covers of all time (http://porktornado.diaryland.com/albumcover.html)
I love this guy... his whole site/blog entries are a riot :)

[trisherina]

Teaching Sunday school to 4-6 year olds today (an act with which there is something so fundamentally wrong that it boggles the mind, truly), I was trying to explain how to do the craft I'd brought, a foamie badge you could put together with glue that said, "#1." A little boy I know fairly well, which doesn't mean he's any more tolerable than most of them, asked, "Why are we doing this badge?" The lesson in the curriculum was about forgiveness. I scrambled for something to make my poorly thought out choice (I'd thought mostly about how everyone in the class would be able to do it) meaningful. "MMmmmmrrrm well," I said, "When you are able to forgive, I imagine you'd be #1 in God's eye."

"And if I don't, what then? Am I #2?"

Boys.

[madasacutsnake]

click (http://members.cox.net/sksnedegar/bogeyballs.htm)

[Aphrodite]

Originally posted by madasacutsnake
click (http://members.cox.net/sksnedegar/bogeyballs.htm)


Ha ha ha ha!

[Zaftig]

Originally posted by dinzdale
Dear Dinz @ 18

train yourself NOW, just like Pavlov's dog, so whenever your brain is about to let you say "I do", take a table fork and stab it into your genitalia. Lots.



I'll tell you more later young man, but that was the first, most important lesson.

[Smartypants]

No one's had anything to laugh about in three whole days?!

Let us remedy that right away! (http://moses.sportbikes.net/Blondestar2004.mp3)

[Zaftig]

I totally needed that.

[Clytie]

http://forum.thej3w.net/forum/uploads/TheJ3w/TheJ3w_nemo.jpg

[chuckie egg]

haha!!

[ally]

*wipes tea from the screen*

[RuneT]

thanks smarty :)

[Clytie]

the things you hear at work:
patient yelling from his room "everyone come in here" the nurse rushes in. to see him watching tv. he points to the screen. "its martha stewart...i thought you could learn a few things from her"

[trisherina]

Originally posted by zero
I DOT DOT DOT I DOT DOT DOT I DOT DOT DOT

[rapscalious rob]

the satire by Douglas McGrath with photo composites by Micheal Elins in the September issue of Vanity Fair, page 332

the rapscalicious logo :cool:

[priceyfatprude]

http://www.nataliedee.com/082304/why-i-hate-cats.jpg

[Spicy Jack]

Originally posted by priceyfatprude
http://www.nataliedee.com/082304/why-i-hate-cats.jpg

AAAAAHAHAHAHHAHAH!!!!!!

They kill babies and they are floppy....AAAAHAHAHAHAH!!!! :D :D

[rmr]

my super's response to coming over and fixing my toilet "WHAT DID YOU PUT DOWN THERE"

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm the charger???

[zero]

you have a toilet in your cubicle?

[dinzdale]

It just smells like it......

[rmr]

don't try to confuse matters :eek:

the cubicle is not even near the toilet . my boss thinks i'm lazy so he moved it far away so i'm forced to walk

[zero]

that's outrageous

you could damn him for sewages

[rmr]

WHAT'CHU TALKING ABOUT ZERO?????

http://www.gallomania.it/curiosita/images/gary_coleman_old.jpg

[Smartypants]

Letter to the Editor in today's SF Chronicle:

Editor -- A San Francisco public-health official wants to restrict the prescription of Viagra because it seems to have a destructive effect on some people. Since Sen. Bob Dole is Viagra's most famous user and chief spokesman, we certainly do know one bad effect the drug has; it saps one's integrity.

MICHAEL KAHN
Mill Valley

[nycwriters]

There's something inherently funny about "old-school" composing room guys (in their late 60s) discussing the fact that they didn't understand what the song "YMCA" was about when it first came out ... and then one guy piping up "I'll bet they knew in the Village though!"

Then they went on to discuss the Weather Girls song "It's raining men."

Hahahahahahahaha!

[rmr]

"Occasionally a performer comes along who questions the very nature of celebrity, who challenges a nation to reconsider what artistic endeavors it previously thought possible, who deconstructs his or her chosen profession only to reinvent it in an entirely new way.

Charo is undoubtedly not one of these artists, but she sure puts on a damn good show!"

[Clytie]

From Employees to Bosses



1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every 10
minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to perform miracles routinely and opening doors with my teeth is excellent training.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could cost me a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversation.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. If fact, save them until the job is almost done.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.

[Willow Sylph]

I can relate to all of those, Clytie. Unfortunately...

[Avalon]

http://img31.exs.cx/img31/6456/pic14989.jpg

[Audreyvgs]

I must be bitchin and pissin alot about money. When I take Bink to the grocery store with me, and he's whining about not having his 837th hotwheel, I say, listen. Do you want to eat, or do you want to be hungry and play with a car. It's your choice. We don't go to the grocery store with unlimited money, now pick out something sensible to go in your lunchbox, and that's good enough, isn't it? And he usually backs right down and gets excited about havin baloney for lunch tomarrow. And I think, Whew!

SO. Bink lost a tooth yesterday. Yanked it himself, I didn't even know it was time, but he worked and worried it to death til it came out. I warned him that the tooth fairy didn't pay as well for subsequent teeth as she did for those first ones, besides, the people at the Montessori school where he used to go were still mad at me for givin him $5 for those first coupla teeth, and at this moment, I didn't have any cash anyway. I did scrounge for 6 quarters and found a hotwheels in the box that I'd forgotten to give him from vacation (another story)

I make the switch in the middle of the night ok, and this morning he is thrilled to death, holds out the quarters and says, I GOT 6 BUCKS!!!!!!! Seein its like 6 in the morning, I don't correct him. I let him think it, and he is also so in love with the Hotwheels, that he can't even take it out of the package.

He goes to school. I get a call around 11:30, its the teacher.

"Nicolas has lost another tooth." Im really shocked, I didn't even know he had another one loose! She said I wasn't going to believe what she was about to tell me, and she had had quite the laugh. She continued. "I told him, Nicolas!! Stop playing with that tooth, wait til you go home to yank it!" and he said, "I need to do this cause my mom really needs the grocery money!"

I laughed so hard that I think I broke her ears. She continued on, telling me how wonderful he was, and I was still laughin thru the whole conversation.

SO. I have to drive the Bink up to his OLD SCHOOL to meet one of his friends, he's goanna get to sleep on his friends dad's boat tonight, and tomorrow they're goin out shelling. i was talkin to the kid's mom, and unbeknownst to me, his former teacher comes out, and sees him, snags him and takes him into the office.

I notice he was gone, somebody told me where he was, and in the office, there was the head guy, another teacher, Mrs Thomas, and the Bink. Mrs Thomas had slid down the wall, and her eyes were welled up with tears. Everybody in there was tryin not to laugh, they know how sensitive our Mr. Binkleberg is...I asked what he'd said, and all Mrs Thomas could say was,,,,,"Grocery Money!!!!" All the while stifling a large hoot. All I could do is say, "Ohhhhh NOOO, the teacher called me with that one, I never did have the chance to tell him not to ....." and I dragged him out, so that they could have their laugh. THey all looked bout to explode.

I never did get the chance to have a word with him about that. The kid's dad came and swept him away, and I'm still laughin, trying to steal the grocery money for this new damn tooth. I'm a little worried if I leave him go with this Idea, he's goanna come back from the boat ride tomarrow having worked out all his baby teeth, gettin ready for Thanksgiving.

[Avalon]

The Bink is a good kid. The world needs more Binks!:cool:

[Audreyvgs]

Now that he's got 2 teeth missin, he looks kinda like a Halloween Pumpkin. I'll have to post a new pic. hahahaa he is sweet.

[Coffee]

That is just such a classic story book kid story Audrey.
What a super duper lil guy. I sure hope he has all his remaining teeth when he comes back from shelling.
You need to compile some of these into book form.

"The World According To Bink".

[Audreyvgs]

Aw, anybody gots kids, has these same stories...

Glad you guys like him! :D

[zenbabe]

hahahahhahaha!! I love it!!! :D

[Smartypants]

Originally posted by Audreyvgs
Aw, anybody gots kids, has these same stories...

That's only partly true -- they (and those that know them) have the same TYPE of stories, but each is slightly different and because there's so much extra stuff wrapped up in the individual kids that the stories seem completely unique -- and never fail to entertain. This one is a complete hoot and no doubt will become one of those stories that will be told in your family forever! Thanks for the belly laugh. :D :D

[priceyfatprude]

ROTFLMAOPIMP

I love the Binkaboo. I really do.

Give him hugs from me. :D

[Aphrodite]

Originally posted by Coffee

"The World According To Bink".

I was thinking more along the lines of "Bink Bueller's Day Off"

[Audreyvgs]

Just as I'd feared, I went to pick him up at the boat, and he'd gotten rid of a 3rd tooth, now he really DOES look like a punkin. Pic tomarrow. He's gotten pink, too...all day in water and fishin. I didn't think he could! He's so lucky to have that no-burn skin. I, on the other hand am pretty ouchy after being outside for 2 hrs. Oh well, I was vitamin D deficient anyway.

[madasacutsnake]

Fabbo story. One day I will bring the Troll Princess over to play with the Bink.

[Audreyvgs]

Cool! He'll fall in love with her accent, and he really talks strange now, all those teeth mithin.

[melissa]

When I was in the teeth-losing stage of my youth, I loved it. I loved the whole process of wiggling the tooth loose and being able to stick my tongue under it and then feeling the new tooth start to grow into place.

Loved it.

[priceyfatprude]

My friend S & her husband have a one year old son.

S & I & our girlfriends get together for dinner once a month.

I guess this last Wednesday before she left, S's husband held the baby & said to him, "Say goodbye to your mother, son. She's leaving for her Beaver Club meeting."


We are thinking of getting hats & t shirts made for our club.

[Audreyvgs]

http://www.tagnet.org/marion.il/clubs/pathfinders/images/eagerbeaverAlpha.gif

[trisherina]

Originally posted by lapietra
A lot of them became rock musicians.

[Coffee]

Originally posted by Audreyvgs
http://www.tagnet.org/marion.il/clubs/pathfinders/images/eagerbeaverAlpha.gif

I'm thinking they need a motif with a bit more Georgia O'Keeffian look to it for that club...don't you think? ;)

[Hyakujo's Fox]

"I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce."

-- J. Edgar Hoover

[lapietra]

Originally posted by trisherina


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Originally posted by lapietra
A lot of them became rock musicians.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I actually added that at the last minute :p Happy you liked it. :)

[melissa]

****This story is not meant to offend anyone. ****


Today I had an interview very far from my house. I actually had an interview at this location a few weeks ago and it is at least 2 busses to get there. So today I thought I'd try a different bus combination to get there. One very long bus ride that goes from the north part of town past the south part to a suburb area that I'm so unfamilar with on one of the ugliest streets in the Portland metro area. I have to transfer onto a second bus that will take me to my destination, this bus only travels between two transit centers. Most of the busses here are new and air conditioned and are large busses but a few are smaller busses. The bus that I transfered to is one of the smaller varieties, lovingly called the short bus. About half way into this ride I realize that the route that I took the first time was the smarter thing to do. We took several short cuts off the main road, just to return without picking anyone up. At this point there are a few other people on the bus with me, and two of them groaned when the bus pulled off the street into a business driveway. I looked and saw that an entire group of people were planning on getting on this bus...all of them were people with Down's Syndrome. They were getting off of work and ready to go home. Now the bus is FULL. They all have backpacks and lunch coolers and thermoses and are very enthusiastic about the end of their work day (I assume).

As I'm approaching my destination from a different direction I'm paying a lot of attention to the addresses that we are passing because I don't want to miss it. In that moment of concentration, I realized that I really was on The Short Bus.


And I laughed.

[Audreyvgs]

Originally posted by Coffee
I'm thinking they need a motif with a bit more Georgia O'Keeffian look to it for that club...don't you think? ;)

HA! Rock 'n ROSE!

[joppa.gal]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v219/joppa_gal/rabbit1.jpg

[Spicy Jack]

awww........BUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Coffee]

Originally posted by Spicy Jack
awww........BUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!

ohhhhh...i thought it was a slipper.

[joppa.gal]

Yeah, but which end of the bunny is it??

[Spicy Jack]

I *LOVE* those bunnies! They are HUGE...and when you pick them up they weigh nothing and there is an ity bity tiny bunny inside. ADORABLE! I wanted a Jersy Wooley that looks like that but easier to maintain.

[Clytie]

http://www.laugh2day.com/pics/blondes4.jpg

[Magpie]

Originally posted by Spicy Jack
I get disoriented easily. :D

[nycwriters]

Hahahahaha ... I used to argue with this guy I dated briefly when I first got to NYC about the fact that if I went to have children, I'd let them have free reign of the house and they could basically do no wrong. He said there was no way he was going to let his kids run amok and muddy up his nice couch and various other material possessions. Needless to say we didn't see eye to eye and didn't wind up dating long (no, we didn't break up over that argument, something far more serious).

He was a banker and I was very tempted to send him an email after 9/11 to find out if he was ok. I never did, because things were left very poorly between us when we parted.

Anyhoo. I ran into him online recently and I said I was glad to know that he was safe and that I had thought to get in touch after that day, but didn't think it was appropriate. I was just going to leave it at that. He dialed back through his memory banks and this is the email I got back from him connecting the dots:

In regard to 9/11, made it out OK...God bless George W Bush and the United States of America. I'm still not letting my future kids onto that Sofa with mud on them

Ha!

Did I mention we used to have quite heated political debates?

[zenbabe]

:D

ps. they have mud in new york?

[trisherina]

RatMan was trying to clean up his hard drive and was playing random media files. One came on... an a capella version of New Orleans is Sinking, a song by Canajun rock band The Tragically Hip.

"Who is that?" RM asked irritably.

I listened for a couple bars. "I think it's Hank Hill."

We both realized at the same time: It was HIM. It was a track from a time when RM had a friend over to play guitar and sax and sing, and dick around with Cakewalk.

Does this make me Peggy Hill?

[ally]

http://ufies.org/txt/shavedcat1.jpg

[Aphrodite]

Originally posted by Hyakujo's Fox
http://www.graemehunterpictures.com/news/images/prevs/prev10.jpg
I'll be Princess Di, and you be Prince Charles.

[rapscalious rob]

moel has really been cracking me up. That guy is hilarious!

[Frieda]

commercial (http://www.6pack.tv/media/douweegberts.wmv)

sorry.. had to post, maybe weissen gets a good laugh out of this too :D

[masterofNone]

is that two old ladies talking like thugs? in dutch?

[Spicy Jack]

Originally posted by Frieda
commercial (http://www.6pack.tv/media/douweegberts.wmv)

sorry.. had to post, maybe weissen gets a good laugh out of this too :D

HHAHAHAHAHHAAAA ..:( ...i don't get it.

i like the ity bity car though. i could carry it around in my pocket.

[dani]

http://www.angryalien.com/0804/jawsbunnies.asp

this made me laugh today. i love these bunny cartoons!

[Clytie]

*laughs* fun stuff MobyDick (http://disney.go.com/family/lastminute/moby/)

[Frieda]

Originally posted by masterofNone
is that two old ladies talking like thugs? in dutch?
yes!

i´ll try to translate

"so check this, i´m sitting in my wagon, 50 Cent pumping out of my speakers, you know, chill..

so i boost that car phat fast, right?

comes the scooter with his fake badge stopping me, so the copper says to me that i can´t speed here and that i have to pass him doekoe (cash)!

i say, hey, act difficult, I´M NOT YOUR BITCH!"

[Spicy Jack]

now that is funny.

[Frieda]

actually, it is :D

i was hoping weissen would see it!

[Coffee]

I sent an email yesterday to my Senator Diane Feinstein regarding US troops being ordered to ride in supply vehicles operated by civilians working for a subsidiary of Halliburton...apparently the troops are not happy about protecting untrained civilians and risking their lives to protect Haliburton's profits.

Response: (bold is my emphais)

Dear Mr. -------------: (they got the "Mr." right anyhow :) )

Thank you for contacting me with your concerns regarding the
Bush Administration=s proposal to permit limited imports of
endangered wild animals as hunting trophies and commercial products.
I appreciate hearing your views on this important issue.

I share your concerns about the potential damage this new
policy could have on the world=s endangered species populations.
Officials at the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service (FWS) claim that the
proposed changes are intended to provide incentives for poor countries
to expand established conservation programs with profits from the sale
of live animals and commercial products made from these animals.

Currently, the FWS is in the process of reviewing comments it
received during the public comment period, which closed on October
17. After reviewing these comments, the agency will decide whether to
move forward with the implementation of the proposed changes.
Please know I will continue to monitor this issue closely, and should
the FWS decide to move forward with these changes, I will do
everything possible to ensure the proper oversight mechanisms are
included in any new permit program to ensure it is enhancing these
endangered animals= chances for survival.

Again, thank you for writing me. I value your opinion and I
hope you will continue to keep in touch on issues important to you. If
you have any questions or need assistance, please feel free to contact
my Washington, D.C. staff at (202) 224-3841.

Sincerely yours,

Dianne Feinstein
United States Senator

http://feinstein.senate.gov


Thanks for making it easy for your constituents to get involved Senator Feinstein

So I called instead...not sure that that will have any impact either...but I tried.

[topcat]

OP-ED CONTRIBUTOR
The Latest Poll
By LEE KALCHEIM

Published: September 7, 2004


ARTICLE TOOLS


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READERS' OPINIONS


Forum: Join a Discussion on Op-Ed Contributors






TIMES NEWS TRACKER



Topics
Alerts

Presidential Elections (US)




Kerry, John F




Bush, George W











40 percent of parents who dislike 30 percent of their children prefer George W. Bush.


•


60 percent of households that fly flags think America can do no wrong 26 percent of the time.


•


70 percent of women who think Mr. Bush is more likeable than their husbands prefer John Kerry.


•


52 percent of people with wall-to-wall carpeting dislike Mr. Bush's plan for redecorating Iraq.


•


98 percent of people who are hearing-impaired like 50 percent of what they hear from Mr. Bush.


•


100 percent of Spanish-American War veterans are dead.


•


98 percent of World War I veterans can't remember the name of either candidate. Both prefer Coolidge.


•


43 percent of women think Mr. Bush has more presidential hair. 26 percent think John Edwards has more vice presidential hair. 47 percent think Mr. Edwards has more presidential hair and 26 percent think Mr. Kerry has more vice presidential hair. 92 percent think Dick Cheney has no hair. 73 percent think Mr. Bush's hair is irrelevant. 54 percent think Mr. Bush is irrelevant.


•


76 percent of women think Teresa Heinz Kerry colors her hair. 53 percent of those women would prefer a different color. 42 percent would prefer a different first lady.

One-half of all Jewish mothers like one-half of Mr. Kerry.


•


63 percent of single women over 50 think John Kerry is too tall for his own good. 71 percent of divorced women say George Bush would be an ideal ex-husband.


•


Before the Republican convention, 86 percent of the population thought Zell Miller was a professional golfer. After the convention, 92 percent of the population would not like to be in his foursome.


•


50 percent of the electorate think that polls are misleading, inaccurate and inconclusive. The other 50 percent agree 30 percent of the time with 40 percent of the results.


Lee Kalcheim is a writer for television and theater

[Gatsby]

Some random excerpts from the lecture of my Constitutional Law professor:

On random things:
"Any questions on, like, whatever I'm talking about?"
"It's a liberal arts college. It's where they, like, beat you up."
"This is, like, Herculean. You know what that is? You know, like, Hercules stuff."

On the Revolutionary War:
"Whatever the 18th century equivalent of 'chill, big guy' was."

On Hitler:
"Bless his poor, corrupt, Satanic heart."

On Nixon:
"Chill! Leave me alone! I'm too cool to be touched!"

On the founders:
"The large, heavy-men-with-beards period in our history."

On apportionment:
"How many people are in Rhode Island? Like, twelve. How many people are in California? I don't know, like, a billion."

On Due Process:
"You can't deny non-blue-eyed-people - or THIS CHAIR - life, liberty, etc."

On the Commerce Clause:
"Congress will run like this like a bat out of hell. I just closed with a mixed metaphor, 'cause bats don't run, do they? Oh, well."

Hypothetical:
"Okay, so, I want to lower the drinking age because it would be easier to put my 5-year-old to bed if he were stewed. How can I accomplish that?"

On the Final:
Student: "How long is the exam?"
Professor: "Seventeen hours. We will start at dawn."

[Spicy Jack]

awesome!

[daverbee]

Originally posted by GatsbyGirl
Some random excerpts from the lecture of my Constitutional Law professor:

On random things:
"Any questions on, like, whatever I'm talking about?"
"It's a liberal arts college. It's where they, like, beat you up."
"This is, like, Herculean. You know what that is? You know, like, Hercules stuff."

On the Revolutionary War:
"Whatever the 18th century equivalent of 'chill, big guy' was."

On Hitler:
"Bless his poor, corrupt, Satanic heart."

On Nixon:
"Chill! Leave me alone! I'm too cool to be touched!"

On the founders:
"The large, heavy-men-with-beards period in our history."

On apportionment:
"How many people are in Rhode Island? Like, twelve. How many people are in California? I don't know, like, a billion."

On Due Process:
"You can't deny non-blue-eyed-people - or THIS CHAIR - life, liberty, etc."

On the Commerce Clause:
"Congress will run like this like a bat out of hell. I just closed with a mixed metaphor, 'cause bats don't run, do they? Oh, well."

Hypothetical:
"Okay, so, I want to lower the drinking age because it would be easier to put my 5-year-old to bed if he were stewed. How can I accomplish that?"

On the Final:
Student: "How long is the exam?"
Professor: "Seventeen hours. We will start at dawn." Hippie Lawyers...gah!

[daverbee]

OK, this made me laugh last Saturday, so apologies for screwing up the thread:
Went over to one of our local camera shops to buy film to use on vacation and in the midst of the city making preparations for Hurricane Frances, they had a handwritten sign in their window that said, "We sell waterproof cameras."
I told the guy at the counter, it's amazing the things you can advertise in times of stress!

[Smartypants]

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. _____Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. _____Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. _____Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. _____Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. _____Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. _____Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. _____At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. _____Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. _____Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"
_

[nycwriters]

Originally posted by Smartypants
5. _____Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."


HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

HEGEL!

[daverbee]

Yogi Berra was the softball commentator?

[dinzdale]

Originally posted by Smartypants

8. _____Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."


BOGUS Mr Pants.

Julian Dicks played in England in the early 90's and has never represented his country, and none of the UK countries were entered in the Olympics. Other than hearing 4 others before, quite a remarkable piece of literature.

[Frieda]

Originally posted by dinzdale
BOGUS Mr Pants.

Julian Dicks played in England in the early 90's and has never represented his country, and none of the UK countries were entered in the Olympics. Other than hearing 4 others before, quite a remarkable piece of literature.
well done dinz! :)

[priceyfatprude]

Originally posted by trisherina
RatMan was trying to clean up his hard drive and was playing random media files. One came on... an a capella version of New Orleans is Sinking, a song by Canajun rock band The Tragically Hip.

"Who is that?" RM asked irritably.

I listened for a couple bars. "I think it's Hank Hill."

We both realized at the same time: It was HIM. It was a track from a time when RM had a friend over to play guitar and sax and sing, and dick around with Cakewalk.

Does this make me Peggy Hill? This made me laugh today.

[joppa.gal]

Another wedding I went to, a guy that was so big he actually had breasts, was wearing a see though shirt tons of gold chains, and his chest was slathered in baby powder. The girl he was with had on a mini blue jean skirt and flip flops.

Awful Guests (http://www.weddingchat.com/showthread.php?t=188001)

[Smartypants]

Originally posted by dinzdale
BOGUS Mr Pants.

Julian Dicks played in England in the early 90's and has never represented his country, and none of the UK countries were entered in the Olympics. Other than hearing 4 others before, quite a remarkable piece of literature.

Mr Dicks, erm, Dinz:

1) My assumption is that the announcer had meant that the talents of the eleven players on the field were reminiscent of Mr. Dicks'.

2) The name of this thread is "Post something that made you laugh today," not "Post something of proven veracity and back it up with references to authenticate any facts cited within your message."

:p

Smarty "Bogus" Pants ;)

[dinzdale]

Originally posted by Smartypants
"Julian Dicks is everywhere..."

...is a quote from John Motson of the BBC during a Chelsea versus Tottenham Hotspur match from 1992, and obviously Mr Dicks appears to be present on the field.

Your lack of attention to the truth, and your poor due dilligence DID make me laugh today.

As do your ridiculous cycling shorts.

rgds
Dibble

[Smartypants]

LOL!!

Now that's TWO times I've laughed today!

[Zaftig]

http://mstu.cz/~bozek/obrazky/Animals/618.jpg

[red]

Family Guy

[Gatsby]

Told to me in a bar an hour ago:

Why do ducks have flat feet?

To stomp out forest fires!

Why do elephants have flat feet?

To stomp out burning ducks!

***********************************************

At the time, it was funny enough to put the entire table in hiccups. Appy-polly-loggies, all.

[Gatsby]

Also, this:

http://www.squizzle.com/movieview.asp?id=991

GLEN! Glen, glen, GLEN!

[Hermione]

"[T]he illiteracy level of our children are appalling."—Washington, D.C., Jan. 23, 2004 (Pres. Bush)

[Audreyvgs]

This email was entitled OOps:


Dear Mrs. A,


this morning Nicolas forgot his composition homework book.... I realized it, ran got shoes on and walked it to the neighbors house where he waits for the bus. He came halfway towards me as i was standing by my fence over there in my jammies, with a button missing somewhere, I didn't want to go any further as Bink's friend's dad was standing at the street, and the jammies are too short anyway.
He was about 50 feet away, I yelled for him to come and get the book...
he rolled his whole backpack thing towards me, I yelled, "leave it there!"
and he slows down, still coming towards me, I called, "just come get the book!"
I was holding it up, he stops about halfway, says, "you come here, I'll miss the bus!"

i yell, come get it, he yells you come here, I said, leave the backpack there, he said i can't.

Mind you he's 25 feet away....


So, if you asked him what happened to his book, and he tells you his mother threw it,
I guess I did.

oops.

Bink's mom

[Clytie]

ahahahhaaaa *giggles* that was great aud!

[Audreyvgs]

Originally posted by GatsbyGirl



Hypothetical:
"Okay, so, I want to lower the drinking age because it would be easier to put my 5-year-old to bed if he were stewed. How can I accomplish that?"





Benadryl. :D

[trisherina]

Originally posted by priceyfatprude
big piles of limp linguine who can't move & fall right to sleep if it's done properly

[trisherina]

Originally posted by Aphrodite
No Way!
After all this time, you are a MAN?


Originally posted by Hyakujo's Fox
Yes Way!
And even before that!

[priceyfatprude]

Originally posted by sparticle:
My hubby once asked me -- "If it was between the Indians winning the World Series and our wedding day, and you had to choose one...."

Before I could think it was out of my mouth: "1948 lineup or current-day?"

[Clytie]

http://www.donspage.com/funny/pictures/pot.jpg

[melissa]

Wow! That's a really good price. I'm not too sure about the quality of Idaho pot though.

[joppa.gal]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v219/joppa_gal/discodude.jpg

This kind of made me sit back and have a *stunned* face.

[chuckie egg]

Llewelyn-Bowen hell

[lapietra]

http://www.its-lala.com/Onevoice.jpg

[madasacutsnake]

My independant midwife friend came over and we went out in her Kombi. We pretended we were german backpackers which meant yelling "ja, ja!" and "urgen sturgen" out the window at passersby.

[Avalon]

I used to have a friend like that. She would pick me up and then she would go past every road construction site she could find and hoot and holler at the men then stop and ask directions in Spanish or French. If anyone understood her, she would mix them together.

Awww, now I miss her and I am going to have to call her; she moved to N.C. about 8 years ago and it's been no fun since :(

[daverbee]

This. (http://blogs.salon.com/0003076/2004/08/26.html)

[Spicy Jack]

Originally posted by Avalon
I used to have a friend like that. She would pick me up and then she would go past every road construction site she could find and hoot and holler at the men then stop and ask directions in Spanish or French. If anyone understood her, she would mix them together.

Awww, now I miss her and I am going to have to call her; she moved to N.C. about 8 years ago and it's been no fun since :(

When we go out dancing in WeHo, my stupid drunk friends lean out of the car and yell at hookers. :rolleyes: It has become a horrible ritual. One day we will get shot.

[Magpie]

My 8yr old daughter said,

"My math teacher is really talented Mom. Her butt's so big she can clear notebooks off the desks with it!"
:D

[Avalon]

This little girl is a regular; she is the designated beggar. When the door opens for food, about 5 more appear from thin air. She has a tough life, this one. It is too funny to watch her in action because she goes from the door to the windows if you don't pay attention to her.


http://img77.exs.cx/img77/3617/hellllooooo.jpg
http://img77.exs.cx/img77/7277/heyyou.jpg

[ally]

Daver's link, especially:

She stared at her hand, lips quivering, like frightened, but festive slugs.


and


I began, adjusting her side mirror with my hammer.

[trisherina]

Miss Rat's idea for and description of an amusement ride she has conceived: it's called "The World Revolves Around You."

Really, no further explanation is required.

[joppa.gal]

Hey, I've seen that ride before.

[Clytie]

http://us.news2.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/nm/20040917/mdf698673.jpg

[Clytie]

this order was just written for a patient "Butt cream to buttocks every 3 hours"


where else would u put butt cream? lol

[joppa.gal]

Hey, sometimes you can put it underneath your eyes to make circles go away.

Although I don't think it would be prescribed.

I've never tried it. I'd be afraid it would smell funny.

[Clytie]

http://www.hisc.org/images/Monster_Mash_2003/Fisher_Photos/Web-SULTRY-SULLEYS-W.jpg

[Audreyvgs]

Stevie came over the other day and had this one

Theres this magician on a cruise ship, and he's doin his act one night, and the captain comes to the show with his pet parrot on his shoulder.
All thru the show, the parrot heckles the magician, sayin, "it's in his palm! It's under the shell on the left!" Givin all his secrets away. The magician doesnt say anything, cause he doesn't want to offend the captain.

So during the night, the ship sinks. The magician wakes up, he's layin on a plank floating with absolutely nothing around him, the boat's gone, there's nobody around, except that the parrot is sitting on his stomach.

Three days go by, and the magician and the parrot say nothing to each other. Then on the fourth day, the parrot breaks down, and says,



"Ok, I give up. Where's the boat?"

[Gatsby]

From my Federal Indian Law professor, a PhD in American History as well as a J.D. (the same guy who I quoted from my earlier Constitutional Law class):

On Indian government classification:
"Think about museums - if you want to go to a museum and see about Indians, you don’t go to the American history section! You go to the natural history section! It’s like Indians are CRITTERS! Lumped together with the fish and birds and shit!"

After his trip to Geneva last week (09/2004) for the convention on the International Draft Declaration on the Rights of Indigenous People:
"Well, guys, I’m kinda in “mellow mode” today. Turns out international affairs is all about drinking..."

[Gatsby]

Originally posted by joppa.gal
Hey, sometimes you can put it underneath your eyes to make circles go away.

Although I don't think it would be prescribed.

I've never tried it. I'd be afraid it would smell funny.

I've heard amazing things about this stuff. They sell it everywhere around here:

Butt Paste (http://buttpaste.com)

[nycwriters]

http://www.nydailynews.com/ips_rich_content/610-clinton.JPG

Well this made me laugh last night ... I wish you could see the plate numbers clearer -- but no word of a lie ... it reads:

BJ 0000

I chuckled.

(That's Bubba Clinton by the way).

[dinzdale]

There is a big car crash and a blond is found by the roadside.
A man rushes over to her and asks if she's alright.
"It's all abit of a blur and my head hurts", she says, shaking her head.
"Well tell me how many fingers I've got up?" says the man.
"Oh No ! " she wails "dont tell me I'm paralysed from the waist down!!"

[Clytie]

A Cuban man has just been struck by lightning for the
fifth time in 22 years. Jorge Marquez says he is cursed
and that lightning follows him, reports Terra Noticias
Populares. Mr Marquez, who works as a farm worker
in San Manuel, was first struck in June 1982. He told:
"I feel like something very cold enters my body or as
if I'm a hot iron being immersed in cold water." He said
that in the first time he was struck he had his hair burnt
and his fillings all flew out from his teeth. But the most
recent time he managed to minimise the damage by
grabbing a piece of rubber to protect him as soon as
it started to rain. He said: "I don't trust my luck anymore.
As soon as it starts to rain I look for some isolating
material. I don't want to go through it a sixth time!"

[red]

Shaun of the Dead

freakin' funny

[Clytie]

http://www.excitementmachine.org/contest/sg.jpg

[sparticle]

heh heh heh heh....

[nycwriters]

My ex boyfriend (http://www.ratemyprofessors.ca/ShowRatings.jsp?tid=237831)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ... it's how his students have rated him.

Oh my, this made my day.

[Frieda]

http://www.angrypoodle.net/images/images11/cast.jpg

[sparticle]

Yep. That rocks. :)

[JesusTitties]

lol.
if i were this prof id break down and cry after reading some of these.
______________




Who said individuals in a coma are unware of their environment? I was painfully cognizant of every endless second of her class, but no one heard my screams. If you were able to find this Web site, you'll pass with flying colours.

2/16/03 5 1 2 Didn't go to class and got a 90, its an easy one!

1/28/03 cosc1701 5 1 1 so great she can't teach an easy course? hmmm


1/16/03 cosc1700 5 1 1 she can't teach!!! take the course with someone else

1/15/03 cosc1701 5 1 1 in love with her mouse

11/6/02 compsci 4 1 2 TWO WORDS.. BOR ING!

11/4/02 COMM1700 5 2 1

10/1/02 COSC2007 5 1 1 Didn't learn a thing and got a 90. If you fail this course bow ur head in shame!

[melissa]

Found on Craig's List:

I'll trade you - my cat for your cat - Straight up!!!

My cat - strengths - male - neutered - floppy like - black - long hair - pretty eyes - soft fur - gentle

weaknesses - psycho - whines alot - brings in mice and lets them go after he gets tired of them (in other words can't finish!!! so I'm standing there with a book yelling "Finish it Finish it Finish it and he runs the other way and the mouse is jumping up my leg saying "SAVE ME SAVE ME SAVE ME" so I HAD to DO it with my favorite book nonetheless!!!) - sheds a ton in spring/summer - collects burrs - eats alot - scares easily - neurotic - demanding - shallow -

Your cat - strengths - super mouser - smart - cute - cuddly - attentive
weaknesses - might need attention once in a while

I believe cats should be rotated between owners once a year just to keep them confused and unsettled. A settled cat is a ploting cat whose only intentions are to devise a strategy to take over their owners house.

Lets deal!!!

[Smartypants]

Bush's Debate Notes:

http://funny.ansme.com/politics/bush/pictures/debate_notes.gif

[Willow Sylph]

That's good, Smarty. :D

[melissa]

Passed around work today:

Neither Symantec, Norton, nor McAfee have solutions as yet!!!

The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.

The John Kerry Virus - Reverses every position in your computer, each time you turn it on.

TheClintonVirus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory.

The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting.

The Bob Dole (a.k.a. Viagra) Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.

The Michael Jackson Virus - Attacks only minor files.

TheArnoldSchwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves... but will be back!

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.

The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 150 GB.

The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.

The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy . then discards it through Windows.

[Aphrodite]

Loved that!

I sent it to some friends.

[melissa]

It made us laugh, here at work...

[sparticle]

Aud's new avatar.

[melissa]

I walked by the company's secretary on my way to the bathroom and she said "Are you registered to vote?"

I heard "Are you here to search Phil?"

The owner of the company is named Phil.

I'm not sure how I heard her wrong...

[agentsmith]

PICKING UP

12 SURE-FREE PICK-UP LINES (WITH NO GUARANTEE…)

1. I wish you were a door, so I could bang you all day long.
2. Nice legs. What time do they open?
3. Do you work for the post office? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
4. You have 206 bones in your body, want one more?
5. I’m a bird watcher and I’m looking for a big breasted bed thrasher, have you seen one?
6. I’m fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
7. I’d really like to see how you look when I’m naked.
8. You must be the limp doctor, because I’ve got a stiffy.
9. You, me, whipped cream and handcuffs. Any questions?
10. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
11. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
12. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let’s get you out of those wet clothes.

[priceyfatprude]

Originally posted by agentsmith
PICKING UP

12 SURE-FREE PICK-UP LINES (WITH NO GUARANTEE…)

1. I wish you were a door, so I could bang you all day long.
2. Nice legs. What time do they open?
3. Do you work for the post office? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
4. You have 206 bones in your body, want one more?
5. I’m a bird watcher and I’m looking for a big breasted bed thrasher, have you seen one?
6. I’m fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
7. I’d really like to see how you look when I’m naked.
8. You must be the limp doctor, because I’ve got a stiffy.
9. You, me, whipped cream and handcuffs. Any questions?
10. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
11. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
12. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let’s get you out of those wet clothes. Your daddy must've been an astronaut, because your butt is out of this world.

Those are Windex pants, I can see myself in them.

[melissa]

Originally posted by agentsmith
PICKING UP

12 SURE-FREE PICK-UP LINES (WITH NO GUARANTEE…)

12. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let’s get you out of those wet clothes.

This is one of my favorites!!

Here's another one:

"Come here often or do you wait till you get home?"

[Avalon]

I bet you're tired cause you been running through my mind all day.

[Avalon]

From a website I visit: (Shut up, Dinz!:p)


Frequently Unanswered Questions

What kind of assholes are you guys?
Do my cats really hate me?
If my cat farts and I am not around, does it still smell?
Isn't your email address assholes@mycathatesyou.com?
I want to send you a picture of my pvssy, but it gets stuck to the scanner. What am I doing wrong?
Are people really as funny as the captions make them out to be, or are you guys creative geniuses?

[nycwriters]

Originally posted by agentsmith
PICKING UP

12 SURE-FREE PICK-UP LINES (WITH NO GUARANTEE…)

7. I’d really like to see how you look when I’m naked.

To which I would say in a crowded bar, without batting an eyelash:

"Ok, strip."

[Frieda]

http://www2.goyk.com/files0902aa/videos/whatisup.WMV

[Avalon]

Oy!
I took off my glasses, rubbed my eyes, and glanced at the board.
thought I saw a thread for "Big Boner". Looked again..Big Brother.:rolleyes: :p I need help, I admit it.

[sparticle]

PFP's congratulatory note to Bink. I hope Aud is censoring it before she shows it to him. heh heh heh....

[daverbee]

Originally posted by melissa
This is one of my favorites!!

Here's another one:

"Come here often or do you wait till you get home?" How about Steven Wright's classic come on, "So...do you live around here often?"

[Frieda]

http://img21.exs.cx/img21/289/movie28.jpg

[Smartypants]

Begin forwarded message:

Subject: Jon Stewart Bitchslaps CNN's 'Crossfire' Show

http://www.mtv.com/chooseorlose/headlines/news.jhtml?id=1492305

Jon Stewart Bitchslaps CNN's 'Crossfire' Show

10.15.2004 6:43 PM EDT

In what could well be the strangest and most refreshing media moment of the election season, "The Daily Show" host Jon Stewart turned up on a live broadcast of CNN's "Crossfire" Friday and accused the mainstream media _ and his hosts in particular _ of being soft and failing to do their duty as journalists to keep politicians and the political process honest.

Reaching well outside his usual youthful "Daily Show" demo, Stewart took to "Crossfire" to promote his new book, "America (The Book): A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction" (see "Jon Stewart Writes A History Textbook That _ At Last! _ Features Nudity"), but instead of pushing the tome, Stewart used his time to verbally slap the network and the media for being "dishonest" and "doing a disservice" to the American public. After co-host Tucker Carlson suggested that Stewart went easy on Senator John Kerry when the candidate was a guest on "The Daily Show," Stewart unloaded on "Crossfire," calling hosts Carlson and Paul Begala "partisan hacks" and chiding them for not raising the level of discourse on their show beyond sloganeering.

"What you do is not honest. What you do is partisan hackery," Stewart said. "You have a responsibility to the public discourse, and you fail miserably.

"I watch your show every day, and it kills me. It's so painful to watch," Stewart added as it became apparent that the comedian was not joking. He went on to hammer the network, and the media in general, for its coverage of the presidential debates. Stewart said it was a disservice to viewers to immediately seek reaction from campaign insiders and presidential cheerleaders following the debates, noting that the debates' famed "Spin Alley" should be called "Deception Lane."

"The thing is, we need your help," Stewart said. "Right now, you're helping the politicians and the corporations and we're left out there to mow our lawns."

While the audience seemed to be behind Stewart, Begala and Carlson were both taken aback. The hosts tried to feed Stewart set-up lines hoping to draw him into a more light-hearted shtick, but Stewart stayed on point and hammered away at the show, the hosts, and the state of political journalism. Carlson grew increasingly frustrated, at first noting that the segment wasn't "funny," and later verbally sparring with the comedian.

"You're not very much fun," Carlson said. "Do you like lecture people like this, or do you come over to their house and sit and lecture them; they're not doing the right thing, that they're missing their opportunities, evading their responsibilities?"

"If I think they are," Stewart retorted.

The conversation reached its most heated moment when Carlson said to Stewart, "I do think you're more fun on your show," to which Stewart replied, "You're as big a dick on your show as you are on any show."

"That went great," Stewart could be heard sarcastically saying as the show went off the air (a transcript of the show is available on CNN.com).

In an era when the media is increasingly fragmented and viewers can surround themselves with programming that falls right in line with their own views, be they on the right or the left, Stewart's blast seemed especially on point. It seems fitting that the tirade came on a day when much of the media attention focused on the presidential race was directed at the mention of Vice President Dick Cheney's daughter during the last presidential debate, as opposed to the issues addressed at that debate.

[Avalon]

God, I love John Stewart :)

[madasacutsnake]

I showed Mr Snake my pic in the "What do you look like thread?" . Not because I thought it was gorgeous but because I was surprised by the comments that it was.

He got it.

He went pale, broke out in a sweat then backed away muttering about "knowing that look"............

[rmr]

"I didn't leave a message.

I just spat on my phone when I heard your voice because it felt like I was spitting on you..........i knew you were going to do
this........you're always doing stuff like this."

[Zaftig]

Originally posted by madasacutsnake
I showed Mr Snake my pic in the "What do you look like thread?" . Not because I thought it was gorgeous but because I was surprised by the comments that it was.

He got it.

He went pale, broke out in a sweat then backed away muttering about "knowing that look"............

HA HA!!! Did he need to change his pants? Or is there a more severe look that does that?

I personally think it's a gorgeous picture but it does take knowing someone to see these things.

[Saxifrage]

A research assistant around the corner from me at work was telling me earlier he is thinking of becoming a male escort to make extra money for christmas. I found this strangely hilarious for some reason. He said the first question they asked was had he ever worked in "adult entertainment" before. He decides he wants to do it but then he asks his fiancee if it is all right, what do you hink her answer was?

[daverbee]

"Do they need any females?"

[daverbee]

"Do you need a driver?"

[daverbee]

"Did you know I work for the Vice Squad part time?"

[daverbee]

"Dinz, are you sure that's a good idea? Remember what happened the last time?"

[trisherina]

"How much did they offer you?"

[daverbee]

"...and do I get a percentage for referrals?"

[Smartypants]

"With THAT little thing?"

[daverbee]

Smarty wins!

[Saxifrage]

....and the answer was "If you're going to do then I will too" that fixed him but good:D

[Clytie]

You may not know that many non-living things have a gender. For example:
1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but
you can see right through them.

2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while
to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the
right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are
pushed.

3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have
to light a fire under it and, of course, there's the hot air component.

5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight can shift to the
bottom.

9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000
years, but it's handy to have around.

10) Remote Control -- Female. Ha! You thought it'd be Male. But consider
this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he
doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

[Clytie]

desperately looking for things to make me laugh...found this:

rednecks palm pilot
http://home.earthlink.net/~organwolf/images/Red%20Neck%20Palm%20Pilot.jpg

[Smartypants]

Originally posted by Clytie
You may not know that many non-living things have a gender. For example:

6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.


Obviously this was written by someone who never met any cute boys in San Francisco. ;)

[trisherina]

Originally posted by Coffee
*snif*

*sniff shiff*

*sees nothing here of "quality"*

*leaves thread*

Originally posted by madasacutsnake
He has a coke problem. How 1980's.

[masterofNone]

Originally posted by madasacutsnake
Dipshit.

[Zaftig]

Originally posted by trisherina
I hope this will make you smile: you know what they say, just lie on your back and think of England.
http://home.pacbell.net/ggraphix/Pictures/misc/HattedDinz.jpg

[melissa]

http://www.sinfest.net/comics/sf20041027.gif

[rmr]

Dearest ****,

I promise never to call you a skank in front of the partners again.

Fondly yours,

****

[zero]

everybody's called **** in your workplace?

:confused:

[dinzdale]

****s R Us

[rmr]

^^^

what he said and yes

[madasacutsnake]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Originally posted by Klynne
I would wear the bunny costume she wore to her parents' friend's party (the whores and vicars party). No, I would not, I would not be comfortable in that, but maybe you would be. Or a bathrobe (or p.j.s) and huge fuzzy slippers, and remember to sing the song "All By Myself" , carry a bottle of wine and a pack of smokes. Remember your makeup should be smeared as if you have been crying, and have tissue in your robe pocket.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Originally posted by PFP

How is that different from any other day for her?

[Smartypants]

Cheney Vows to Attack U.S. If Kerry Elected. (http://www.theonion.com/news/index.php?issue=4041&n=0&id=3857
)

[Audreyvgs]

http://www.audreyheffner.net/binkjohns.jpg

[AllegroNg]

YES!!!!!!!

[zenbabe]

Getting free plastic cups from Baha Fresh to make my jello shots with! :D :D :D :D :D

[Gatsby]

mmmm! Jello shots! A whole new level of drunk!

Does anyone agree with me that there are so many different levels of drunkeness based upon the type of alcohol consumed?

Beer drunk: a nice, slow, long-term drunk, beginning in boredom, peaking in group singing, and ending with a nice slow crawl to bed

Wine drunk: a quick drunk, highly giggly and silly, often resulting in day-after embarrassment over certain off-hand statements

Liquor drunk: highly charged, balls-to-the-wall, truth-or-dare insanity resulting in vomiting and day-after apologies

Jello-shot drunk: an almost imperceptible creeping drunk that hits you like a (very smooth) brick wall resulting in extremely foolish decision-making because it just doesn't SEEM like you were consuming 151!!! I swear!!!

[Spicy Jack]

Originally posted by daverbee
It's Called A Rimjob, Charlie Brown

[Magpie]

Ha! I showed this to my daughter and her response was, "That kid has some serious problems!" Heheeeeeee!
Originally posted by Audreyvgs
http://www.audreyheffner.net/binkjohns.jpg

[melissa]

Guess What, Charlie Brown?? Those JRockers AREN'T Women!!

[madasacutsnake]

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave
with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride

[trisherina]

Originally posted by Magpie
Don't have kids.

[Magpie]

Originally posted by dinzdale
This is the dawning of
A man with a hairy ass
A big scary, hairy ass

A-HAIRY-AAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSS

[trisherina]

Originally posted by zero
thanks but i have no clue what a saturn is - it sounds fvcking HUGE though. i think you should check to make sure it's only got two doors - a saturn sounds like it should have at least sixty.

are you sure it's actually a car this saturn you speak of?

otherwise i can't give you any more help, sorry.

[Clytie]

i *heart* this thread...

i am now wasted on meds...

<---sick

[malarkey]

drikin wine but i gon barf

[Avalon]

<B> origininally posted by moN: "go screw" <B>

[agentsmith]

originally posted by clytie http://www.davidhasselhoffonline.com/Feb1994.jpg

[Spicy Jack]

the signature on emails from our IT dept:

'Behind every successful department, is an Information Services staff supporting their effort' Unknown


too bad our IT deparment SUCKS :rolleyes:

[zenbabe]

nothing has made me laugh today...

[bealeblues]

think of me getting an entertainment center off a 17 foot truck all by myself.... it was a huge hit with my neighbors....

[zenbabe]

:(

[bealeblues]

trust me, it was funny

don't make me tell you more moving stories....

[zenbabe]

please

[bealeblues]

well there was the little chinese guy who came up to me last night about 9:45 as i was loading the last piece of crap into this huge ass truck and asks me:

"so, you move?"

um, no, what the fvck gave you that idea?

[rmr]

this email exchange:

m: Did u call the trading desk on Friday?

r: No, why?

m: I left the desk for a bit and someone called , and did not leave a message.

r: No -- it wasn't me but that kind of cracks me up.

m: Is it really that funny?

r: Actually it's REALLY funny....thank you for that.

m: So, It was you.


r: No, it wasn't -- I'd tell you if it was but it cracks me up because it makes me think you don't get many phone calls.

m: Very funny, but not the case. Im leaving,......I have a meeting downtown. Speak soon,.........


that was retarded

[bealeblues]

what's funny about that again?

[rmr]

that's the point

it's so not funny that it's funny to me

[dinzdale]

Originally posted by rmr
that was retarded

Got that right.

[rmr]

Originally posted by dinzdale
Got that right.

i agree

[rmr]

hahahahaha

i'm still seriously cracking up

who asks such a stupid question??

[rmr]

these also cracked me up:

"I am making a huge poster sign that says " John Kerry's hair is not real" And I am bringing it down there for the rally."


and


"I was a alcohol soaked Kidney (with arms). Very cool."

[rmr]

this made me laugh too:

"So we watch a movie and have a frozen pizza, drinking beers. Then, he gives me 40 bucks and says last time he was here he ordered pay-per-view (HOW F-ING RUDE!) and I am like - HOW MANY DID YOU ORDER?"

[zero]

Originally posted by rmr
this email exchange:

m: I left the desk for a bit and someone called , and did not leave a message.



he's lying. he must've deleted it. i said "**** and ***********" and then hung up

[rmr]

Originally posted by zero
he's lying. he must've deleted it. i said "**** and ***********" and then hung up


so it was you??

did you also order the pay per view

CURSES!!!

[zero]

Originally posted by rmr
did you also order the pay per view


nope

"visual stuff" just isn't my thing

[drivinmissdaisy]

I just realized that it is only 6:30 p.m. here. Wow the time change really threw me off. Oh wait I have been up since 4:00 a.m, maybe that is it. Regardless, it has been a long day and I am already wanting to go to bed. Ha, I am such a old fart.

[madasacutsnake]

It says in the Bible that "God made man in his own image" and I expect Bush looks in the mirror from time-to-time and talks to himself.

[trisherina]

Miss Rat, having turned 7 in August and perhaps imitating behaviours seen in her parents (ya think?) decided to check out the Neopets message boards yesterday. I copied and pasted one of her first messages, on the topic of "What Neopet should I draw?":

How about an Aisha? I tried to draw one by just following the instructions and it turned out pretty good! A Harris is a good petpet to draw. Again, just follow the instructions and you have a perfect Harris! If you are just beginning to draw neopets and petpets,this is the neopet and petpet to draw. If you have been drawing neopets for a long time, It's also lots of fun!

[sparticle]

Originally posted by madasacutsnake
It says in the Bible that "God made man in his own image" and I expect Bush looks in the mirror from time-to-time and talks to himself.

This must be why a fellow I know looks in the mirror and groans "Ohhhh, Jesus Christ!"

[daverbee]

Originally posted by madasacutsnake
It says in the Bible that "God made man in his own image" and I expect Bush looks in the mirror from time-to-time and talks to himself. One restless night, George Bush is wandering the halls of the White House, seeking guidance and inspiration.

He comes upon the portrait of George Washington and asks, "Mr.
Washington, how can I best serve the country?" Washington replies, "Always tell the truth." Bush thinks to himself, that's a good idea, but he's not sure that's everything he needs to know.

Bush continues until he comes to the portrait of Thomas Jefferson. He stands before the portrait and asks, "You tell me Tom, how do you think I can best serve the country?" Jefferson responds, "Always follow the Constitution." Bush thinks, that's good too, but he still needs further guidance.

Bush continues until he finally comes to the portrait of Abraham
Lincoln. He asks, "What about you Abe, what do you think I could do that would be best for the country?"

Lincoln thinks about it for a moment, then responds, "Go see a play."

[Spicy Jack]

my dad's willie nelson impression....wow. interesting to say the least. :p

[dinzdale]

I thought willie nelson was a wrestling hold......

[Spicy Jack]

that is a half nelson :rolleyes: everyone knows that...

[dinzdale]

Not a nelson on your willy then ?

[Spicy Jack]

you might not be too happy if you got your willie in a nelson...

[red]

HAH!

[Coffee]

Originally posted by trisherina
slightly more mature yumminess (http://www.pinkicing.com/demeter.asp)

Eu De' Dirt, only $39.50...gotta love it.
http://www.pinkicing.com/graphics/demeter_dirt.gif

[dinzdale]

What do you call a donkey with one leg?

A wonky donkey.


What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye?

A winky wonky donkey.


What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye and makin' love?

A bonky winky wonky donkey.


What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love while farting?

A stinky bonky winky wonky donkey.


What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love, farting and wearing blue suede shoes?

A honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey.


What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love, farting, wearing blue suede shoes and playing piano?

A plinky plonky honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey.


What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love, farting, wearing blue suede shoes, playing piano and driving a bus?

Fvcking _talented!

[daverbee]

:D

[rmr]

"Anyway, I also (just to add another opinion) think you should TRY to do
it on a week night, so you are not tempted to dip too far into the
bottle and the night can end relatively early. Or, F that, and do it on
a Friday so you can see his apartment and what he looks like in the
morning with a hangover. You'll also find out how he feels when you
light up a cigarette first thing in the morning with your mascara
running down your cheeks."

[red]

the best dui stop ever had me in stitches.

[Clytie]

http://www.msnbc.com/c/0/163/417/10x7/twip_2003_0619_06.jpg

[agentsmith]

Everything I Need to Know I Learned from The Mummy

If someone does something unspeakably horrible, kill him in a way which will ensure that he will come back as an unstoppable force of evil.

Always find some pretext to change into native dress. It's sexier and more becoming than your regular gear, and no matter how grungy it gets, it'll always rip in the right places.

When a body rots, its teeth go bad, too.

Beetles squeak.

Guns do work against the undead.

They work against beetles, too. Well, they don't actually work, per se, but shooting swarms of beetles is satisfying in its own way.

When in doubt, kiss the bad guy.

Remember to bring along at least two potential female romantic leads. That way you have a 50% chance that your beloved won't turn out to be the reincarnation of a long-dead evil nasty.

There are actually five canopic jars in a set, not the four that most books say. The fifth jar was always made of solid gold, which is why museums never got their hands on any.

The Egyptians had books. All that mucking about with scrolls was for the tourist trade.

Quicksand can form in the high desert.

Scarab beetles are extremely dangerous.



Everything Else I Need to Know I Learned from The Mummy Returns

Gold is light.

Scarab beetles are very, very, very, very extremely dangerous.

Snakes, on the other hand, are mostly harmless and best used as projectile weapons.

Packing off your child to a cold, unloving, regimented English boarding school is cruel and heartless. Take him with you and abandon him for hours at a time in the bottom of archaeological excavations instead.

Don't bother listening to your child. If you do, the movie will be about ten minutes long, and no one will die in ways requiring special effects.

The less armor, the better. The most naked man wins.

[Hermione]

"They are all bastards.. stupid sick bastards" - peace studies prof.

[zenbabe]

http://www.sorryeverybody.com/upload_files/se8.JPG

[madasacutsnake]

Originally posted by Spicy Jack
so tonight we went to a nice dinner place (table clothes, menu in french, bill in the triple digits for 2) anyhow...for an appetizer we order the ahi in a chilled avacado soup with smoked gouda. the plate arrives and it looks like split pea soup with a large pile of chopped tomatos and two bread balls. so we both taste it. it is delicious, but we look at each other and are wondering where the tuna is and the gouda :( we think the tuna may be baked into the mysterious bread ball thingies. we poke it a bit, still mystified my friend proceeds to ask the waiter where the tuna is. He points to "the tomatos" and says "Well, they are right here sir" It took a few seconds to register, but what we thought was tomatos was the tuna. I was about to die...then I started chuckling, which snowballed into laughing with tears streaming down my face. Needless to say, we felt like total morons and wanted to run.

That is not all.

Then we are eating the "bread ball thingys" and again, we both look at each other and agree it tastes like there is bacon in them. We both do not eat pork, so we leave it alone and the waiter comes by and we ask if there is bacon in the bread thingys. He tells us no, but there is gouda in there. *click* Smoked gouda! He tells us that is what we must have thought tasted like bacon. Good Lord we are stupid and far beyond embaressed, to the point that it no longer matters.

Then I thought my turnips tasted like potatos and was sure it was all a conspiracy and they wanted to make us look dumb.

:o :(

anyways...that is my horrible embaressing story. i shall hand my head in shame now.

[Gatsby]

Me: (trying to get in bed) Roll over. You're on my side. Make room.

My sister: (passed out in my bed fully clothed after drinking 7 beers and 2 shots of Jager in an hour and a half): Bleh wha?

Me: Roll over.

Sister: I am. (not moving)

Me: Roll over.

Sister: Ok. (not moving)

Me: Roll over.

Sister: I AM! (not moving)

Me: ROLL OVER!

Sister: (silence)

Me: (shaking sister): ROLL. OVER.

Sister: (silence).

Me: (shaking sister violently). ROLL OVER!!!!

Sister: long silence. Then, "Yeah. Okay. I am." (not moving)

Me: (turning on light). ROLL THE FVCK OVER I WANT TO GO TO BED!!!

Sister: Mleh.

Me: Roll. Over. Roll. Over. Roll. Over. (shaking sister)

Sister: (opening eyes): Huh?

Me: Roll over!

Sister: Was THAT what that was all about????!!!!! (rolls over, and then gets out of bed to go to bathroom).

(Sister come back from bathroom, and I ever-so-kindly help her change into loaned t-shirt and sweatpants. Sister passes back out.)

THIS MORNING:

(Sister): Melissa??

Me: Wha?

Sister: Did I change clothes last night?

Me: (explains)

Sister: I'm so glad I was here last night because I have no idea what happened.

Me: (thinking I'm WAAAYYYY too nice of a big sister.)

Yah.


AHHHHHHHHHH!

[Magpie]

Talking to doctor on the phone regarding a health concern...

Doc: "Are you ovulating right now?"

Magpie's mind: "WTF? Well, let me stand real still and quiet for a minute and I'll see if I can feel a microscopic egg being released...please hold." :rolleyes:

:D

[zenbabe]

heheheheh....I am so not telling!:D

[funkytuba]

Originally posted by Magpie
Doc: "Are you ovulating right now?"

Magpie's mind: "WTF? Well, let me stand real still and quiet for a minute and I'll see if I can feel a microscopic egg being released...please hold." :rolleyes:

All I could think of was *finger in corner of mouth*--*POP*

[zenbabe]

hahahaha!

[Smartypants]

Subject: Sad Moment

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is
worth reflecting on the death of a very important person that almost went
unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age
93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

[madasacutsnake]

i return to my original point. in all of the bible there is no reference to jesus being angry at "sinners", only at priests and lawyers. a point the religious right should be reminded of. rudely if possible.

[madasacutsnake]

Originally posted by Smartypants
Subject: Sad Moment

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is
worth reflecting on the death of a very important person that almost went
unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age
93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

Shut up, Smarty.

[Smartypants]

Originally posted by madasacutsnake
Shut up, Smarty.

Funny you should say that, c-snake, because at the end of the e-mail message I received that contained that, the original sender had written, "Shut up. You know it's funny."

:p :p

[madasacutsnake]

Hehe.

I just sent it out with an apology and disclaimer.

[topcat]

Originally posted by Smartypants
Subject: Sad Moment

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is
worth reflecting on the death of a very important person that almost went
unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age
93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
this, my friend cracked me up

[Avalon]

Something to offend both sides :)

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive", Osama himself decided to send George Bush and John Kerry each the same letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still
in the game.

They opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:
"S370HSSV-0773H."

Kerry was baffled, so he copied it and mailed it to John Edwards.

Edwards and his advisors had no clue either, so they sent it to the Democratic National Committee.

Bush was baffled, so he copied it and mailed it to Dick Cheney.

Cheney and his advisors had no clue either, so they sent it to the Republican National Committee.

No one could solve it, so it went to the National Education Association and then to MIT.

Kerry sent it to Michael Dukakis who then sent it to Teddy Kennedy.

Bush sent his to the CIA & DIA, which couldn't figure it out either.

Eventually they both asked Britain's MI6 for help. MI6 cabled back:

"Tell the President and the Presidential Hopeful that they are looking at the message upside down."

[sparticle]

My take on religion goes like this.


At around 4, I was talking once to the Bink about God. I talked and talked and he stopped me, and looked at me funny and said, "What's this about God......you mean like in God Dammit?"

and I realized i had forgotten to tell him about a few things.

-- Aud

[Smartypants]

http://www.fvckthesouth.com <--- change the v to u for a workable link. :p

[RuneT]

Ahahahahaa Smartypants. Beale's gonna love this...

[malarkey]

something that made me laugh not today but yesterday is when Blake was serving a customer and he was taking their order and suddenly one of the other servers came up behind him and they pull the string on his apron and it fell down but Blake had forgot his belt and the other server didn't know that he was using the string to keep his pants up too! so his pants fell down!!!

[Spicy Jack]

maybe not today..but saturday....

A Prairie Home Companion / NPR

Cowboys (http://prairiehome.publicradio.org/programs/2004/11/06/scripts/cowboys.shtml)

SS: All we need to do is stay put where we are. Here in the red states.

RB: Right here in Utah.

TR: That's as red as it gets.

RB: The day Utah goes Democratic is the day George Bush eats snails.

SS: You got your red states all over the middle of the country, and the blue states mostly on the coasts. Global warming is going to take care of that. We melt the ice cap and raise the ocean level, and we'll be able to unite the country at last. Massachusetts will be one big lobster bed.

GK: What about Texas? That's on the ocean too.

TR: We'll build dikes.

SS: What'd you say?

GK: He said we'll put up levees.

[trisherina]

"I am not, I regret to say, a discreet and fetching sleeper. Most people when they nod off look as if they could do with a blanket; I look as if I could do with medical attention. I sleep as if injected with a powerful experimental muscle relaxant. My legs fall open in a grotesque come-hither manner; my knuckles brush the floor. Whatever is inside -- tongue, uvula, moist bubbles of intestinal air -- decides to leak out. From time to time, like one of those nodding-duck toys, my head tips forward to empty a quart or so of viscous drool onto my lap, then falls back to begin loading again with a noise like a toilet cistern filling. And I snore, hugely and helplessly, like a cartoon character, with rubbery flapping lips and prolonged steam-valve exhalations. For long periods I grow unnaturally still, in a way that inclines onlookers to exchange glances and lean forward in concern, then dramatically I stiffen and, after a tantalizing pause, begin to bounce and jostle in a series of whole-body spasms of the sort that bring to mind an electric chair when the switch is thrown. Then I shriek once or twice in a piercing and effeminate mannerand wake up to find that all motion within five hundred feet has stopped and all children under eight are clutching their mothers' hems. It is a terrible burden to bear."

-- Bill Bryson, In a Sunburned Country

[madasacutsnake]

What's with the aus lit lately?