Post something that made you laugh today.

[Hyakujo's Fox]

http://jovan.ru/pics/baby.jpg

[Frieda]

Starwars Mosquito Defense System (http://home.student.utwente.nl/m.j.vanschaik/groenbrothers/starwars_clip.WMV)

[Clytie]

go napolean! (http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=7820)

[Large Marge]

go napolean! (http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=7820)

He stole that from Ze!

[Coffee]

I just walked two blocks in the pouring rain to buy some water... *shrugs*

That was great.

[chuckie egg]

meet the fockers

also: in reply to my mother asking what I was seeing "meet the parents 2"

she burst out laughing

[funkytuba]

http://www.419eater.com/html/user_subs/nelson_otudo/nelson.html

[madasacutsnake]

^^

"All perished in terible motto accident."

Adaging while drunk can be fatal?

[zenbabe]

http://www.419eater.com/html/user_subs/nelson_otudo/nelson.html


HAHHAHAHHA!

I love this shit. That guy hasn't emailed me back yet.

[Large Marge]

http://img185.exs.cx/img185/773/ad0eu.jpg

[xfox]

What lala posted in the Welcome Harrison Jacob thread:

http://www.darkharbor.com/snoopydance/

[Clytie]

http://www.celebrity-pics.net/dp/files/2-28.jpg

[Clytie]

wow im bored (http://www.funpic.hu/swf/numanuma.html )

[craig johnston]

^^^^^
stormin'!

[Frieda]

helmet of certain death (http://www.maz.ca/flummoxed/2005/01/if-helmet-begins-to-smoke-seek-shelter.html)

[chuckie egg]

wow im bored (http://www.funpic.hu/swf/numanuma.html )


Haha! What the heck?! :D

[madasacutsnake]

Should I bid? (http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=2223&item=3779464620&rd=1)

[crozy]

crusty bread :D

[melissa]

Surflugen's post over in the Do You Still Buy CDs thread:

Metallica - pfft. They have decided to release a new CD with a few that have "golden tickets" in them. If you get one, you can go meet the band. I will be downloading this album. Fvcking Willy Wonka they are not.

[tsunamimom]

Should I bid? (http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=2223&item=3779464620&rd=1)

I'm amazed it hasn't raised more money - I will be bidding forthwith...
love
Jo

[Large Marge]

Should I bid? (http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=2223&item=3779464620&rd=1)

Duh! It's hilarious!

:D

[Large Marge]

This:

put cauliflower in water close bedroom door shake baked potatoes in pan run to balcony door open balcony door let smoke of burned schnitzel out turn off the gas get plate put potatoes on plate save schnitzel damn cauliflower still has 5 minutes to go

[tsunamimom]

http://www.gaypimp.com/mvideo.html - Soccer Practice... cracked me up.
love
Jo

[Hyakujo's Fox]

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."

-- Jack Handy

[Large Marge]

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."

-- Jack Handy

Aaaah, that Jack Handy always brings a tear to my eye...

[Coffee]

Originally Posted by Large Marge
I pissed off six raccoons once. They tried to attack me, jumping and hissing like rabid cats.

Originally Posted by FunkyTuba
So, that experience prepared you well for this board, then?

. :D .

[melissa]

http://wigu.com/overcompensating/pictures/delight.png

[madasacutsnake]

He was born in a cave on Easter and was killed in a shootout on Christmas Eve when three kings finally tracked him down for outstanding debts of gold and spices. -- Reverse Jesus

[tsunamimom]

<snip> every time there was an odd story in Australia, it seemed to come out of Queensland... Nearly every day it seemed, the papers had a story of arresting improbability under a Queensland dateline.
"There's a reason for that of course."
"What's that?"
"They're crazy in Queensland. Madder than cut snakes. You'll like it up there."

Bill Bryson - In a Sunburned Country

[Frieda]

http://pic.smasher.org/default13.png

[Clytie]

dave in the blood bank is making my day... :)
we have devised a code for reading the orders to each other. we read the double digits but when there is a 09...we cough for the zer0...we think we are quite clever

---yes its a saturday---

[Large Marge]

"hi, MOM! *broad smile* i'm RMR! wow, i just had the most PERFECT vag wax EVER! maybe we can go to the salon together some time! "

:D

[madasacutsnake]

<snip> every time there was an odd story in Australia, it seemed to come out of Queensland... Nearly every day it seemed, the papers had a story of arresting improbability under a Queensland dateline.
"There's a reason for that of course."
"What's that?"
"They're crazy in Queensland. Madder than cut snakes. You'll like it up there."

Bill Bryson - In a Sunburned Country

;)

[rmr]

http://img210.exs.cx/img210/8500/rmrpjs0eq.jpg


hahahahahahahahahaha

seriously i can't remember the last time i laughed this hard

i think i'm going to use it for a "home-made" vd card -- if that's ok with you marge

hahahahahahahahahahaha

[Large Marge]

http://img210.exs.cx/img210/8500/rmrpjs0eq.jpg


hahahahahahahahahaha

seriously i can't remember the last time i laughed this hard

i think i'm going to use it for a "home-made" vd card -- if that's ok with you marge

hahahahahahahahahahaha


Go for it. Want me to add little puppy feet?

[priceyfatprude]

I went to two stores looking for Col. Angus...Still...


laughing.

[zenbabe]

hahhahahhahha!

especially because all that crap at sharper image never really works right..... (http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/g/a/2005/01/27/footmassage.DTL)

[gensen]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It is with the saddest heart that I pass on the following news.

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment
community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died today of a yeast infection, and
complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough
and Jane Dough. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities
turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Buttersworth, Hungry
Jack, The California Raisins, Betty Crocker and
Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, and lovingly described Doughboy as a
man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose
quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was
not considered a very smart "cookie", wasting much of his dough on
half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man,
was considered a roll model for millions.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes. ;)

[Clytie]

.

[rmr]

Still...


laughing.


sorry marge but i'm still laughing

[Audreyvgs]

He was born in a cave on Easter and was killed in a shootout on Christmas Eve when three kings finally tracked him down for outstanding debts of gold and spices. -- Reverse Jesus


You know, it might have happened that way, considering what happens when a story gets told a bout a million times before somebody writes it down!

[Clytie]

good thing someone was there when it did happen and wrote it down

[craig johnston]

there was, like, an on the spot reporter?
i thought it was all told by the disciples,
who he didn't meet until he was an adult.
sorry if i'm wrong.
:confused:

[Large Marge]

sorry marge but i'm still laughing

Glad I could bring some joy to your morning.

;)

[Frieda]

my usually very quiet and shy colleague Merijn about the guy from the backoffice that always answers the phone and behaves like a big bellied night club bouncer:

"doesn't he have anything more useful to do?? like wank in a corner somewhere.."

[Hyakujo's Fox]

Somethings make you laugh, shake your head, and curse simultaneously.

Hypocrisy is one of them.

"What Would Jesus Laugh At?"

[madasacutsnake]

Yes, this comment was the epitome of restraint.

Some-one doesn't know me very well.

[Hyakujo's Fox]

I couldn't help it.

Move the mouse cursor over the name of any ward and the member picture will appear. (http://www.w-isles.gov.uk/members/wards.htm)

[madasacutsnake]

^^

What a disappointment. I hat you now.

[Hyakujo's Fox]

^^

I thought you already hatted me.

[madasacutsnake]

I don't hat you.

I pity you.

[Large Marge]

Some-one doesn't know me very well.


Someone doesn't know that "someone" isn't hyphenated.

[Large Marge]

^^

I thought you already hatted me.


She hats pretty much everyone, but she hats me the most.

I'm special.

[madasacutsnake]

Someone doesn't know that "someone" isn't hyphenated.


Jaysus.

[Large Marge]

Zero's post from the messages thread:

http://img227.exs.cx/img227/3988/6028ratcake6med7vx.jpg

[Large Marge]

Jaysus.


I don't think Jesus can help you with that.

[Hyakujo's Fox]

I don't hat you.

I pity you.

meh, you're the one who gets disappointed when you don't get to see pictures of those kinds of members.

[madasacutsnake]

Marge.

dictionary.com

[Large Marge]

Marge.

dictionary.com


snake.

Webster's New World College Dictionary, Fourth Edition.

[madasacutsnake]

meh, you're the one who gets disappointed when you don't get to see pictures of those kinds of members.

I have long sausages of my own. You can't take that away from me.

<img src=http://images.channeladvisor.com/Sell/SSProfiles/10047794/Images/sampler-sausages-cu.jpg>

[Large Marge]

I couldn't help it.

Move the mouse cursor over the name of any ward and the member picture will appear. (http://www.w-isles.gov.uk/members/wards.htm)

Ze monkeys, meet:

http://img222.exs.cx/img222/1278/donaldmacdonald5rr.jpg

Donald McDonald

[Large Marge]

I have long sausages of my own. You can't take that away from me.

<img src=http://images.channeladvisor.com/Sell/SSProfiles/10047794/Images/sampler-sausages-cu.jpg>

Did you buy it?

I love that thing.

[Hyakujo's Fox]

I have long sausages of my own. You can't take that away from me.

There's no need to worry about that.

[Large Marge]

The disclaimer at the bottom of this (www.akc.org/breeds/miscellaneous_class.cfm) page.

[tsunamimom]

I heart this man... (http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=1468&item=5555232150&rd=1)

[funkytuba]

--- 1379-01 --------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:


>> Besides setting oneself on fire, what is the best cure for ennui?


And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's examine the options:
}
} Setting other people on fire.
} PRO: Less painful than setting yourself on fire.
} CON: Highly illegal. Difficult to find volunteers.
}
} Inject yourself with a 7% solution of cocaine, thrice daily.
} PRO: Hey, it was good enough for Sherlock Holmes!
} CON: It was legal then. It isn't now.
}
} Jump off a tall building.
} PRO: Excitement for the rest of your life.
} CON: Which will be about six seconds, give or take.
}
} Jump off a tall building, with a parachute.
} PRO: Better survival rate than without a parachute.
} CON: Illegal in most places.
}
} Heavy drinking.
} PRO: In your stuporous state, you won't notice how bored you are.
} CON: Social problems, psychological problems, health problems...
}
} Devote your time to sharing your wisdom with others.
} PRO: Legal and non-fatal.
} CON: It doesn't work. Trust me.
}
} So, your best options result in jail time or an early grave.
}
} The Oracle is depressed now.

----------------------------------------------------------------

[Clytie]

i just had to use Google to do a search for Yahoo messanger (the online version) because yahoo wasnt working...

[melissa]

On IM, I asked my friend if he and his wife have had their baby yet and he replied not yet and "apparently when they're fresh, they are quite weak".

I'm sad he got deported because I miss him so much.

[Clytie]

omg! ae sold this at one time???
http://www.deadzoom.com/member/familymyfaith/amereag1.JPG
http://www.deadzoom.com/member/familymyfaith/amereag3.JPG
you couldnt pay me to wear that... i dun think its gonna sell..
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=63866&item=5361314598&rd=1

[Large Marge]

Wow, you are bored.

slow tonight, Clytie?

[Clytie]

yea... im workin the midnight shift on the unit...thank god nothing is bad wrong...but wowowow im having to search for stuff to do (they blocked yahoo!)

[Large Marge]

Why'd they block it? Getting too many viruses?

Bummer.

Is it snowing there?

[Clytie]

http://www.cs.sunysb.edu/~mueller/bboard/thekilt.jpg

ahaaahahah

[Large Marge]

http://www.cs.sunysb.edu/~mueller/bboard/thekilt.jpg

ahaaahahah

HAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!

And they don't even flinch!!

That's almost better than the one I have with the Queen.

[rmr]

hahahahahahahahaha
-- pfp i bet this will make you laugh too


this email:

"I just got in trouble for sending the Tony Danza to Kristin at work."

[priceyfatprude]

hahahahahahahahaha
-- pfp i bet this will make you laugh too


this email:

"I just got in trouble for sending the Tony Danza to Kristin at work."HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA

[rmr]

Another email --

****live 9:30pm Friday, Fvck ****. Have some drinks with ***** and come meet me. HE SUCKS< HOW MANY TIMES ARE WE GOING TO HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS>

I'm not yelling, I support your decision to date a moron that is totally not good enough for you 100%

[Large Marge]

http://img13.exs.cx/img13/5240/107church9ka.jpg

[Large Marge]

http://img218.exs.cx/img218/2266/laugh9du.jpg

[Large Marge]

http://img230.exs.cx/img230/8008/report35vo.jpg

Posted by Foxy in the hip hop thread.

[Frieda]

http://img152.exs.cx/img152/9750/apr19934uw.jpg

[Klynne]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published
by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges
were actually taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
_________________________________

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
__________________________________

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
__________________________________

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?
_____________________________________

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that
morning?
A: He said, "Where am I. Doris?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
A: He's twenty
_____________________________________

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A:Oral.
______________________________________

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was laying on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
______________________________________

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
______________________________________

AND TO SAVE THE BEST FOR LAST!!!!!!

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere

[Smartypants]

^^^ HAHAHA! I've seen those before and the still make me laugh as hard as the first time. :D

[Large Marge]

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

I needed that laugh ... my sides still hurt.

Thanks for posting it, Klynne. :)

[zenbabe]

http://joakim.erdfelt.com/uploads/Main/software-project.jpg

[Frieda]

Not everyone likes nuts.
You should have seen the pickle tray.

http://www.zefrank.com/bulletin/showthread.php?t=7659

[Frieda]

HAHAHAHA SOMEONE HIT ME.. I CAN'T STOP LAUGHING :D

the post office denied my request to print custom stamps with a picture of david hasselhoff on them :D

[madasacutsnake]

^^

That.

And this:

I cannot resist
the bitterness in my heart
hope your day is crap

[Frieda]

this whole fvcking page :D

http://www.zefrank.com/bulletin/showthread.php?t=2019&page=22&pp=15

[Smartypants]

John Cleese's Letter to the USA

To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your
failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern
yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other
territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the
97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world
outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the
need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be
circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in
the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are
introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be
reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the
letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you
will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You
will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not
'zee') and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. You will
learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You
are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with
correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels. Look up vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words
interspersed with filler noises such as like and you know is an
unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up
interspersed. There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show.
If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't
have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you
won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to
learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as
Taggart will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking
about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire
in England. The name of the county is Devon. If you persist in calling
it Devonshire, all American States will become shires e.g. Texasshire,
Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. British sit-coms such as Men Behaving Badly or Red
Dwarf will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American
audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political
incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen,
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good
game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your
borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You
will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper
football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It
is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed
to play rugby (which is similar to American football, but does not
involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar
body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US
Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not
reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which
is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that
there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called
rounders which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves,
collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no
longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than
a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to
handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you
wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand
the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian
though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in
Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you
insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips
are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to
chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be
trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to
all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to
be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter
will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as Lager. The substances formerly known
as American Beer will henceforth be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's
Urine, with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser
company whose product will be referred to as Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's
Urine. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000
years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or Gasoline as you
will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with
the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former
USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices(roughly
$6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns
should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're
not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you
shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to
1776).

17. Last but not the least, and for heaven's sake.....it's Nuclear as in
clear NOT Nucular.

Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day

John Cleese
--

[Smartypants]

The title to Tiki Stan's new thread in the Debate forum: "Christainanity Discussion."

Hey, HE said it, not me! LOL!

[chuckie egg]

I was just gonna put that! :p

[tsunamimom]

How to handle conflict in the workplace.


<img src="http://www.scottmcgee.org/Jo/office%20conflicts.gif">

[chuckie egg]

www.gizoogle.com

[Frieda]

http://www.thinkgeek.com/images/action/large/210945d.jpg

[melissa]

My favorite client on the phone, "****** (caregiver's name) flips me like a pancake...flip flip.............flip flip."

He's 65, has had several head injuries, is on hospice due to CHF (less than 25% of his heart functions) but is so funny! He has such a great personality, I love talking to him on the phone.

[zenbabe]

this guy! (http://66.34.10.12/aaamembersnew/zac/external.htm)

[melissa]

HOLYSH!T!! That guy is awesome!!!

[zenbabe]

hahahhaha (http://maps.google.com/maps?q=satan,%20cupertino,%20california)

[rmr]

http://tinypic.com/1rryx0

[madasacutsnake]

There was a ute muster at the fair I went to today. One of the utes had a confederate flag flying. It broke down in the middle of the field in the middle of the grand parade. Of course, I was the only one for about 12,000 miles who got the joke, but it did make me laugh.

[zenbabe]

what the hell is a ute?

[Aphrodite]

Well, two utes, are Ralph Maccio and some other kid from New York. :p

[zenbabe]

^^^^ hahahha! That is what I was thinking!

[madasacutsnake]

utes (http://www.uteman.com.au/gallery/gallerybrowse.asp?displayRows=3&displayCols=4&StartRec=0)

[gensen]

You've been carrying on an affair of "intense eye-contact" for two years with a person who rides home on the same bus and gets off one stop before you. You do not know their name.

You bitch constantly about how hard it is to meet people in the city.

You take a bus and are shocked that 2 people are carrying on a conversation in English.

Someone says TENDERLOIN - you don't think of steak.

You never bother looking at the MUNI line schedule because you know the drivers have never seen it.

A really great parking space can move you to tears.

You know that anyone wearing shorts in July must be visiting from Ohio.

You were born somewhere else. (ohio?)

You assume every company offers domestic partner benefits.

You experience "commitment issues" when deciding who to hang out with next weekend.

You feel prudish for never having had a threesome. . .

You're tan in spring and fall, pale in summer.

You'd like to spend more time exploring Berkeley, but its just so damn far away.

You found your current aparment, car, couch, running pals, bookgroup, girlfriend/boyfriend, and booty call all on Craigslist.

Your boss runs in "The Bay to Breakers"....and it's not the first time you have seen him/her nude.

You are thinking of taking an adult class but you can't decide between yoga, aroma therapy, conversational Mandarin or a building your own web site class.

You haven't been to Fisherman's Wharf since the first month you moved to SF and you couldn't figure out how to drive to Coit Tower if your life depended on it.

Left is right and right is wrong.

Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.

You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.

You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it.

Your family tree contains "significant others."

Your cat has its own psychiatrist.

Smoking in your office is not optional.

You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.

Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.

Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the US

A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice.

Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

You give a "thumbs up" gesture to a car with a "Free Tibet" bumper sticker - and you mean it.

When you drive under an underpass - for one moment you think "earthquake".

You realize the only Republicans you know are your Aunt and Uncle in Texas.

You realize there are far more Rainbow flags in the city than California State Flags.

You go to your office manager's baby shower - the parent's are named Judy and Becky.

When your church elects a new Bishop who abandoned his family and two young daughters to fulfill his sexual urges with another man.

You've lived in the Marina for three and a half years and you've been to the Mission once for drinks. You're main impression is that it's "dirty". You won't go back.

You've lived in the Mission for three and a half years and you've never been to the Marina.

You consider "Tom Kha Gai" a staple food.

You consider hamburgers a "rare treat".

Through years of practice, you have perfected the art of the helpless looking "sorry, i'm broke" shrug that you use when someone asks you for change.

Despite number 5, you still manage to pay $20 each week in "street tax".

You wear foam trucker caps and cowboy hats out regularly in San Francisco, but you wouldn't be caught dead wearing one in Stockton.

At any given time, you are carrying three or more tiny electronic devices, some of which emit noises and/or buzzing at different frequencies, and all of which "simplify" your life.

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from San Francisco.

[craig johnston]

It's time to get your twangers out and play with your balls (http://rainbow.arch.scriptmania.com/rainbow_tv_episode.html)

:D

[rmr]

I've been with a total of between 30 and 38 guys. About 6 of them I was in a relationship with. The rest were just guys I met on the street or on the subway or whatever.

^^ from another board :D

[rmr]

Hi RMR,
Where are the pictures of the new digs I have been waiting for? I can't wait to see a visual. How is New York? Be sure to snatch one of those orange rags from the park before they take them down and see if you could use it as a drape for the window.Love to you MOM

[trisherina]

rmr's "chicken gift" to JT. Damn, where's that space on the floor when you need it?

[Clytie]

http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/40782000/jpg/_40782455_dove_body_ap.jpg this picture with a caption telling about how sick the pope is... *snortles* what is that bird doing???

[Audreyvgs]

Tamara: There's nothing to worry about unless you're on fire.
Me: Well, I'm lucky then, cause I have so many people around me who will piss on me to put it out.

[rmr]

Well, you didn't hear this from me - okay? But Marc Anthony is actually JLo's teenaged SON. That's why he's so small and skinny. He's only 16 and JLo had him when she was still in her teens. She didn't want the fact she's a mom to get out there and ruin her image.

:D

[priceyfatprude]

RCCola88442: i want to start a line of sex toys called "I Can't Believe It's Not Dick"

[JesusTitties]

http://img170.exs.cx/img170/9579/nigelpenguin0gz.jpg

[madasacutsnake]

who would give Clytie the bird? *cartwheels away happily*

...

[Marcus Bales]

The Finger

Here's to the man who invented the finger
The insult seen not heard --
The first to say from far away
He gave us all the bird.

Without him we would not have known
This gesture that you see --
So let his name go down in fame,
Whatever it may be.

[Frieda]

http://unix.rulez.org/~calver/pictures/stupid_users/sct015.html

[trisherina]

So if a penguin can be gay, and being gay is unnatural, a penguin must have free will. Therefore a penguin can sin, and probably burn in hell too, which would be especially uncomfortable for a penguin, I think you'll agree, since they like the cold so much.

Thanks to Fox for giving me a few more of the "good" wrinkles.

[Kerin]

A really really really old guy in a Ford was going about 140 km (87 miles) in a 100km zone and cut me off. And in the back of his car was one of those lawn bowls hats. I couldn't stop cracking up laughing all the way home.

[Zaftig]

.

disco lift


° (http://lelombrik.free.fr/LoMBriK/Ascenseur/%5Blelombrik.free.fr%5DDiscoAscenseur.swf)



.

:cool:

[Frieda]

my colleague arnold asking me out of the blue in the company cafeteria:

"hey, how hot does your cpu get?"

[Marcus Bales]

http://www.privatehand.com/flash/elements.html

[trisherina]

^^^Awww, I love Tom Lehrer.

[sparticle]

^^^OMG! This is great! Thanks!

Gotta love Tom Lehrer.

[sparticle]

Hmmm, GMTA, Miss T. Erina. :)

[trisherina]

It can be said many times... as we dance to the Masochism Tango!

[sparticle]

^^^The OTHER thing that made me laugh today. Thanks for keeping it all in one convenient place! :D

[madasacutsnake]

A really really really old guy in a Ford was going about 140 km (87 miles) in a 100km zone and cut me off. And in the back of his car was one of those lawn bowls hats. I couldn't stop cracking up laughing all the way home.


I bet he takes liberties with the cheese wheel.

[JesusTitties]

i was out to lunch today and wanted the club sandwich with a pepsi, and when the waitress came over i asked for a cock sandwich and pepsi.

it just slipped out, but i giggled about it all afternoon

[melissa]

So, did you get the cock sandwich?

[trisherina]

I went to church once,

Not really my thing.
Loooord God Almiiiiiightyyyy,
Early in the morning our song shall rise to Thee...

[madasacutsnake]

The mental pic of her ^^ screaming out "ALLELUJAH!" in the middle of vespers.

[sparticle]

^^^The notion of one-stop-shopping churches.

Step 1.: "Oh man. Ohhhh man. WHOA!"

Step 2. : "I'm sorry for entertaining impure thoughts."

Step 3. : "Hail Mary, full of grace..."

Steps of the church on exit: "Check out the ass on that one! Holy...."

Step 4. Back into the church for a do-over. Repeat as necessary.

[craig johnston]

you girls are probably causing some natural disaster
somewhere with all this shameful sin!
:rolleyes:

[ally]

My cat, Kola.

I heat my flat with a coal fire & it's really windy outside atm, occasional gusts of wind blow down the chimney giving aht fire a burst of oxygan, resulting in a relatively large fireball being spat out of the front (there are a few panes of glass missing, hey, it's nice having an open fire sometimes), anyway, to get to the point, Kola was sat too close. The room now smells of singed fur & she emitted a rather alarmed squeak. Obviously she's now sitting on the armchair next to the fire, preening her now absent whiskers, trying to pretend none of this ever happened.

[Audreyvgs]

http://www.roadtripusa.com/us_20/images/waitress.jpg

[madasacutsnake]

I like Jarrod. (http://www.snopes.com/business/consumer/nissan.asp)

[craig johnston]

what's on its way to your hair ( assuming you have hair ) ?

;)


this brought tears to my eyes.
thank you 12".
:)

[12"razormix]

you're very welcome.

i'm crying now too .... ( the opportunity presented itself and i took it! )

[sammygirl]

The moral of this story is.....no matter how stupid the guy you have to deal with everyday is, there is always someone out there who is MORE stupid. :D
marinate (http://www.engrish.com/detail.php?imagename=marinate-retard.jpg&category=Clothing&date=2005-03-02)

[craig johnston]

^^^^^^
i want one!
:)

[sparticle]

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, retires their old CEO and hires a new one. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

[trisherina]

I'll be chuckling all week.
Wouketa Wouketa
Herbie the Bookbinder
There with the castor oil
Bed-bound again,
Had a chilly awareness he'd
Underdistinguished
Himself on that night as a
Man among men.

[shmitty]

http://www.ucomics.com/nonsequitur/2005/03/08/

[Frieda]

this film:

The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou

brilliant :)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0362270/

[madasacutsnake]

"If you have an erection lasting more than four hours, call all your friends -- they ain't gonna believe THIS shit."
...

[trisherina]

A security officer to me:

"Honestly, I don't know where she gets the energy, she's so emancipated."

[madasacutsnake]

...

[madasacutsnake]

^^
ha

Video store owner to me:

"Your customers are more dissecting than mine".

[trisherina]

Introducing... the twelve-foot double decker bus! Or, as its designers prefer to call it, the Fiat Multipla. (http://www.richardcort.co.uk/index.php?PageID=80)

http://www.richardcort.co.uk/images/uploads/26.jpg

What's the deal with the lights illuminating the hood? In case you want to check for ... WHAT?

[madasacutsnake]

OPB dinz.

The thwack of leather on willow stirs the emotions, and brings memories of summers past. As does cricket.

[funkytuba]

Introducing... the twelve-foot double decker bus! Or, as its designers prefer to call it, the Fiat Multipla. (http://www.richardcort.co.uk/index.php?PageID=80)

http://www.richardcort.co.uk/images/uploads/26.jpg

What's the deal with the lights illuminating the hood? In case you want to check for ... WHAT?
contact Zen! this could be the new popemobile!!

[Hyakujo's Fox]

contact Zen! this could be the new popemobile!!

You could get 5 or 6 popes in that.

[Frieda]

dude, that hideous box on wheels called the multipla has been around for at least 5 years here!
so they are trying the american market now??

[Smartypants]

I thought they were hideous the first time I saw one in Rome, but then I got a taxi ride in one and I liked it! When I become Pope and need to be shuttled between the ICU and my bed at the Vatican, I'm getting myself TWO of them!

[craig johnston]

really frieds? i've never seen one of those. it looks like
two things squashed together to make another (not
very good) thing.
fiats have always been dodgy.

[Frieda]

the pic from trisherina is the old model, this is the new one:

http://www.fiat.nl/FIAT_HOLLAND/uploads/1006/1073977537/20040728/kv_pic_multipla.jpg

[Frieda]

multiplas for sale (http://www.autoonline.nl/partner/fall/dut/list.asp?group=281&make=28&model=15640&country=NL&sort=make&zipcountry=NL&tot=100&nlextensions=1&zipnearest=1&zipgrouping=1000&longpoolid=13&noaddress=1&page=1&numberofcars=100)

[trisherina]

Sorry, I just ran into pics of it and didn't realize it had been around for a while.

[craig johnston]

well that's a lot better.

A process which led from the amoebae to man appeared
to the philosophers to be obviously a progress -- though
whether the amoebae would agree with this opinion is not
known.

- Bertrand Russell

[topcat]

I thought they were hideous the first time I saw one in Rome, but then I got a taxi ride in one and I liked it! When I become Pope and need to be shuttled between the ICU and my bed at the Vatican, I'm getting myself TWO of them!


this is my laugh for the day. if i ever switch sides, smarty you are my man

[Frieda]

Sorry, I just ran into pics of it and didn't realize it had been around for a while.
dude, who cares :D it still looks like its tits are too small!

[karma_queen]

my friend was supposed to be having a first date with this guy tonight, but yesterday he called her and said he'd been run over by a bus. that made me laugh.

[craig johnston]

shame he hadn't been run over by a multipla.
that would have ended all comedy for a year!
:)

[madasacutsnake]

<img src=http://images.andale.com/f2/116/113/7110171/1110472668918_nurses_longing_a.jpg>

[zenbabe]

http://www.richardcort.co.uk/images/uploads/26.jpg

I want it!!!

[zenbabe]

the pic from trisherina is the old model, this is the new one:

http://www.fiat.nl/FIAT_HOLLAND/uploads/1006/1073977537/20040728/kv_pic_multipla.jpg


Does it come in silver!?!?!?!?

[trisherina]

zen, only if you're pregnant will I understand what you see in THAT! :eek:

[craig johnston]

<img src=http://images.andale.com/f2/116/113/7110171/1110472668918_nurses_longing_a.jpg>

note the young hasselhoff as 'dr paul'.

[zenbabe]

it IS the Hoff!!

[Hermione]

"Sydney Carton":

It's a complete fallacy that in this age judges act according to the law. Everyone knows that Judes, from the Supreme Court on down, do what they want because they perceive themselves to be our Robed Masters. In fact, most judges take this direction from the Supreme Court, which casually disregards the will of the people and Congress as if democracy was nothing more than a strange affliction that must be rid of.

With that in mind, it's obvious that the Judges in this case are going to do everything in their power to murder Terri Schiavo. The principle at work is this: they will not question, in a de novo review or a preliminary review or anywhere else, the actions of Judge Greer. Why not? Because to upset his ruling, and the subsequent appeals and everything else, would expose his rulings as mistakes. And as Judges know, Judges do not commit mistakes. They are our Robed Masters, after all. They're elite.

The best indication that you're losing an issue is if you're arguing before a judge. If you're at that point, you've already lost. The entire judiciary is in league with Evil.

-The Volokh Conspiracy

[RuneT]

http://www.humor911.com/pub/articles/pictures/1311.jpg

[Frieda]

hahah wtf (http://www.dragonwings.net/BosomBuddies.htm) :D titmice!

[MelisBFly]

I co-worker sent this to me...

http://media.hugi.is/hahradi/fyndnar/everybodydance-1.wmv

what she doesn't know is that I used to do that all the time myself!

[Smartypants]

^^^ LOL!! There's something perversely sexy about it, I think. :p

[Smartypants]

http://nytimes.com/2005/03/31/opinion/31thu4.html

March 31, 2005

APPRECIATIONS


Of Memories and Mole

By VERLYN KLINKENBORG


Not long ago, I was standing in the chill of a Napa Valley winery, wondering about the analogies of oenology. Several tasters were considering the wine in their glasses. What were their noses telling them? Did they detect the oak - obvious - or the blackberry, a little less obvious, or the traces of almond? I remembered some of the more far-fetched comparisons I have read - the wine that called to a reviewer's mind a suspicion of wet dog or a vintage that suggested saddle leather. Why stop there? Was it terrier or retriever? A hunter-jumper saddle or a cutting-horse rig?

I thought of those analogies the other night at a popular Oaxacan restaurant called Guelaguetza on the edge of Korea Town in Los Angeles. We had ordered several of the moles - thick, complex sauces - on the menu, including a dense red coloradito, a brick-colored rojo and one called, simply, black. A three-piece band in white suits played near the entrance. Near the back, where we sat, a large-screen TV broadcast a Spanish-language version of "American Idol." The roar of the crowd in the restaurant was nearly opaque.

Then I took a bite of the black mole, stolen on the end of a tortilla from my wife's plate. It was a sudden infusion of silence. I tried to understand what I was tasting, but I had no language for it. I had never tasted so many things at once, so perfectly blended, all of them floating on what felt like a charred residue, a mouthful of mourning.

I took another bite and suddenly could not help thinking of a time when I was little and the town oiled the gravel road in front of our house. Workers laid the new oil and set out kerosene warning lamps - dark metal globes with a guttering, smoky flame on top, which were somehow beautiful in the night. Nothing in life should ever taste like that scene, and nothing that tastes like that scene should be worth eating. But so that mole tasted to me at that moment in Guelaguetza: wonderful, tragic, impossible, and burdened by a profound grasp of reality.

[priceyfatprude]

I think the woman planted the finger.

[Malmal11787]

the only thing that bothered me with the whole wendy's thing was that i eat there every once in awhile. ive never had the chili though, so ha ha ha!

[priceyfatprude]

I love Wendy's & won't stop eating there b/c of this. $2.08 for dinner? you can't beat that with a stick.

[Smartypants]

TV commercials they don't have in the U.S. (http://venus.walagata.com/w/smartypants/tvspot.mpg)

[xfox]

bare truth (http://gallery.vnunited.com/pics/displayimage.php?album=11&pos=5)

[trisherina]

dinzdale (http://zefrank.com/bulletin/showpost.php?p=264602&postcount=182) :D

[karma_queen]

i was stressed out last week because i was trying to edit my film, and something went wrong with the sound, through no fault of my own, and i lost all the backing tracks. asked the woman in the office (who has a hairy chin by the way) what was going on, and she said that it was something to do with the main university office, and that there was nothing that she could do about it. however, she still felt it important to mess around with my computer for half an hour and try things that would obviously not work. i got pretty agitated, because it was completely obvious that she had no idea what she was doing.
anyhoo, today one of my friends told me that my lecturer, who is in charge of that side of the course, had heard about it all and he had asked my friend if i was cranky last friday. really made me laugh because ordinarily i am probably one of the most calm and collected people on the planet, and have never before been confronted due to my 'rage'!

[Mary]

Pee Wee's Playhouse. zomg. spadoink. laugh laugh laugh.
why am i not invited?

all!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

[red]

PFP's thread title

[JesusTitties]

•§Handsome Boy Modeling Company says:
i need to somewhat calm down in that category

•§Handsome Boy Modeling Company says:
im not saying im going to, im saying i should

•§Handsome Boy Modeling Company says:
this weekend for example, i have the house to myself - i just got good news financially, and im excited for my course next month - so naturally i am going to go up the street to my local and get absolutely off my tits, the kind of drunk that ends marriages. Ive kept it civil up there in cambridge, this kind of drunk requires me in a pair of diapers and my address written on my hand

[RuneT]

•§Handsome Boy Modeling Company says:
i need to somewhat calm down in that category

•§Handsome Boy Modeling Company says:
im not saying im going to, im saying i should

•§Handsome Boy Modeling Company says:
this weekend for example, i have the house to myself - i just got good news financially, and im excited for my course next month - so naturally i am going to go up the street to my local and get absolutely off my tits, the kind of drunk that ends marriages. Ive kept it civil up there in cambridge, this kind of drunk requires me in a pair of diapers and my address written on my hand

LOL


http://www.humor911.com/pub/articles/pictures/1315.jpg

[NimbleMarmoset]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v208/bevelheadgrl/depression-sm-3.jpg *sigh*

[zenbabe]

http://photos7.flickr.com/11446553_34c6bd4ed2.jpg

[NimbleMarmoset]

How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

:rolleyes:

[craig johnston]

http://www.svendielas.de/Bilder/funny_pics/arrrgggghhhh_ein_INSEKT.jpg

[NimbleMarmoset]

la luna (http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/laluna.php)

[Hyakujo's Fox]

http://www.theage.com.au/ffximage/2005/05/09/10VOLGA_wideweb__430x246.jpg

Bush: "vroom! vroom!"

Putin: "ahh, better let me drive!"

[Frieda]

http://img209.echo.cx/img209/9440/michaelk5ab.jpg
"i just tripped over a teddybear and fell with my penis into a child."

[NimbleMarmoset]

^^^ http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v208/bevelheadgrl/thLOL.gif

[Max Headroom]

http://www.theage.com.au/ffximage/2005/05/09/10VOLGA_wideweb__430x246.jpg


Somehow, I knew there would be a picture like this when I saw the little joy ride on TV.

[priceyfatprude]

http://www.pbase.com/l_emmerdeur/image/37277794.jpg

[zenbabe]

www.craigslist.org > san francisco > rants & raves > DEAR MEGALODON
last modified: Wed, 18 May 09:15 PDT

please flag with care : [miscategorized] [prohibited] [spam] [discussion] [best of]

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DEAR MEGALODON
Reply to: anon-74030103@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-05-18, 9:15AM PDT


DEAR MEGALODON,

YOU ARE GOING DOWN MY AQUATIC SEAFARING FRIEND; YOU ARE GOING DOWN FAST, AND YOU ARE GOING DOWN HARD. YOUR LEATHERY SKIN SIMPLY CANNOT AND WILL NOT CONTEND WITH MY RAZOR SHARP TALONS AND OR SERRATED MANDIBLES. THE CONSTANT BARRAGE OF MY RHYTHMIC FOOT GESTURES WILL LEAVE YOU BEWILDERED WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY CATAPULTING MY CHOREOGRAPHY CAREER TO THE TOP OF THE SOUL TRAIN ECHELON.

SONOFA **** I LOST MY TRAIN OF THOUGHT, I CAN ASSURE YOU MORE DISPARAGING WORDS WOULD HAVE PRECEDED THIS WITH WHICH WITHOUT QUESTION WOULD HAVE FURTHER DEMORALIZED, DISMAYED, DISHEARTENED AND OTHER TRANSITIVE VERBS BEGINNING WITH "D."

IN CONCLUSION SUCK IT YOU REPUGNANT BITCH

SINCERELY,

JORYSAURUS-REX

* yes -- it's ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
* yes -- ok to transmit this posting into outer space


74030103


Copyright © 2005 craigslist, inc. terms of use privacy policy feedback forum

[surflugen]

http://www.tom-style.net/mt/archives/images/20040722071.php

[Hermione]

when talking to my international relations professor..

me: omg your husband is hot

her: *laughs*

me: dude.. he's so hot.

[craig johnston]

one of my students just made the classic german error and said:
'my friend became a rabbit for her birthday'!
:D

[karma_queen]

my swedish flatmate had a slip up with her english a couple of days ago. she wanted to ask when our other flatmate was getting the motorcycle diaries dvd through the post. instead, she asked about the 'motorcycle diorrheas'. o how we laughed

[trisherina]

Upon spotting a vineyard for the first time, words failed me (the thought of growing grapes is pretty foreign to me), and I blurted, "Is that a ... grape orchard?" to my companions.

I will never, ever live this down. :o

[Frieda]

http://3xxx.ehostingbiz.net/blog/pod_20040629.jpg

[NimbleMarmoset]

http://photos12.flickr.com/14929571_b320f610ec_o.jpg

[AllegroNg]

http://3xxx.ehostingbiz.net/blog/pod_20040629.jpg

Check out those sideburns!!! :eek:

[Frieda]

OMG Craig Johnston just read the votes from Berlin... AND FRIEDA HAS WON THE EUROVISION SONG CONTEST!!! ...with a poptastic rendition of "Hassle Me Tonight"!

:D

[NimbleMarmoset]

http://img90.echo.cx/img90/2718/wadinggull9yq.jpg

[Smartypants]

Major funny: The AP photo of Phil Spector's big hairdo in today's newspaper. I can't find a copy online, but see if it's in your local editions. LOL!

[NimbleMarmoset]

Major funny: The AP photo of Phil Spector's big hairdo in today's newspaper. I can't find a copy online, but see if it's in your local editions. LOL!

oh Smarty, my thoughts on seeing that (http://www.nypost.com/news/nationalnews/47098.htm) this morning. . . someone has got to talk to me about this today!!!

:eek:
http://img162.echo.cx/img162/5736/philspector0520056rb.jpg

[Avalon]

Is Phil going for an insanity defense? :eek:


I need to wash my eyes now..

[NimbleMarmoset]

Is Phil going or an insanity defense? :eek:

after he shoots his hair stylist.

[Smartypants]

THAT'S THE PHOTO!!! Thanks, NM! Is that a hoot, or what? Taught ME to swallow my coffee before turning to a new page of the morning paper! ;)

[NimbleMarmoset]

THAT'S THE PHOTO!!! Thanks, NM! Is that a hoot, or what? Taught ME to swallow my coffee before turning to a new page of the morning paper! ;)

i don't know if it's a hoot (i.e., crazy as a loon), but methinks phil is crazy. . . like a fox.

[craig johnston]

when our chicken crossed the road
it became a huge issue (http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/4591869.stm)

:D

[venusupnorth]

when our chicken crossed the road

it became a huge issue (http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/4591869.stm)

:D

LOL, Only in the good old USA does something like this become a major issue

[smellyrayzin]

I live in a place highly populated by Mormons.... and around here (probably other places as well) they are really big on editing movies so there are no 'offensive material'. they open up their own movie rental places like Family Flix (http://www.familyflix.com/)
anyway, a family came into Blockbuster the other day and asked if they could edit Cinderella so the cats name is *not* Lucifer.

[Brynn]

http://bextruthfinder.blogs.com/mental_equilibrium/files/stupid_stupid.jpg
I don't know - does this seem smart to you?

[Audreyvgs]

Oh man, we had some guy do that years back, hung his kid over our FENCE so his kid could pet the pretty PIT BULL TERRIER. idiots.

[Gatsby]

People should be sterilized.

This side of my milk carton from Wild Oats made me laugh today:

ALLERGY WARNING: CONTAINS MILK.

I shit you not.

[Brynn]

^ :D
I love Wild Oats, but they can be a little too earnest about certain things, I've noticed.

[venusupnorth]

http://www.upload.racecarparts.co.uk/%25Stripper%20%20nice.jpg

[melissa]

Haha!! That is really funny.

[Brynn]

http://www.cristine.net/~cristine/images/mailfrontierbathroom.jpg

[Hermione]

^^hahaha

[smellyrayzin]

2 things
http://images6.fotki.com/v77/photos/5/56477/2231851/noob-vi.jpg
zero is a n00b.

http://images9.fotki.com/v186/photos/5/56477/2231851/pets-vi.jpg

[JesusTitties]

http://b10h4z4rd.no.sapo.pt/michael%20jackson.jpg

[NimbleMarmoset]

Dear Ms. Jackson:

I don'tgive a rat's ass how much money you have or Ias it 's rumored to be , cmpletely bankrupt). buit your not getting out of this one (for once, money ISN'T everythingO.

Instead of spending all our money in "hugh up" disbursements, you should have found a better plastid surgeon.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v208/bevelheadgrl/u_busted_girl.jpg ..

P.s. I'm curious, after Bubbles conveniently "disappeared ( he probably got too old for your tastes), why didn't you just start breeding gerbils?

[venusupnorth]

that isn´t funny

[venusupnorth]

it's sick

[venusupnorth]

Dear Ms. Jackson:

I don'tgive a rat's ass how much money you have or Ias it 's rumored to be , cmpletely bankrupt). buit your not getting out of this one (for once, money ISN'T everythingO.

Instead of spending all our money in "hugh up" disbursements, you should have found a better plastid surgeon.

..

P.s. I'm curious, after Bubbles conveniently "disappeared ( he probably got too old for your tastes), why didn't you just start breeding gerbils?
Do you really take part in that shit?

[trisherina]

Do you really take part in that shit?

Whoa. Good question.

[NimbleMarmoset]

Do you really take part in that shit?
are you rally serious, or jesdus-jusice in cabns? It's known as a "snese of Humor" . . . . tThe p[st of my country here he trial ic takihng polae (aska the Circus) (heavy on the irony) I'll be flamed for this, im sure, but Madame Jackson is a supreme sick fvuck and his appropriate sentence would be in a downmitory full of fellow child molestors that have a obession for light -skinened, overly mafr[upboy/men whoft propppensitiwes for grabingg their neraly non0exixtent cotch.

http://www.shieldsnet.org/images/strange/caravaggio_bacco_jackson.jpg

[melissa]

Nimble, Is your keyboard broken? I have a hard time reading your posts.

[craig johnston]

that was funny!

ermm, well what about a bit of caring and sharing. michael jackson has
lived a strange life and none of us can imagine what it is like to live your
whole life from the age of 8 in the public eye. i'm not condoning his actions
i'm just saying that he is a victim too. he's a victim of the entertainment
industry.
the fact that he's a black man who wants to be a white woman is just sad.
if he has committed these crimes that is inexcusable, but he needs therapy
(pity the poor therapist), not lynching.

[venusupnorth]

Yeah this is a form of lynching it makes me sad. People that lynch need help themselves. There is no proof he did this but he's gotten so many people against him because he's a freak that wants to be Peter Pan. He does look like Peter Pan?!

[JesusTitties]

http://www.stearns.org/sa-blacklist/newyorker_spam.jpg

[venusupnorth]

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying, "Hello." I politely said, "This is Andrew. Could I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"
It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'
calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?" He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window... so, I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole, I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Don, you're an asshole."

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea.

I called Asshole #1. "Hello." "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang
up.) "Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me,"
he screamed. "Make me," I said. "Who are you?" he asked. "My name is Don Hansen." "Yeah? Where do you live?" "Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."

Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said. "Hello, asshole," I said. He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" I said. "I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed. I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street. There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and the news crew.

NOW, I feel better. Anger management at its very best.

[trisherina]

Alec Baldwin in Greenhilly.

[Smartypants]

Give It To Me Daddy! (http://audio20.archive.org/3/audio/BenLighthisSurfClubBoys/BenLighthisSurfClubBoys-GiveIttoMeDaddydouble-entendrepartyrecord1940s.mp3)


This country really does need to establish some sort of morals code before the whole place goes to hell in a handbasket.


.

[venusupnorth]

http://www.internet.is/astrid/prince.jpg

[Coffee]

Ike Turner's
Guide to Restoring America's Honor.
BY KEN MCINTYRE

- - - -

OK, America, you done ****ed up again. Things got a little out of hand, and you went and blew up another country. Now you got everybody all mad at you, and you don't know what to do. Well, don't worry, America. Ike's been down this road before, and I know exactly how to handle it. You better listen to what I'm telling you, America. Ike knows what he's talking about, and Ike's willing to help you out as long as you do exactly what Ike says and stop being so stubborn. You dig?

Step 1

OK, first things first, America. Stop smacking the bitch. I know sometimes you get caught up in the heat of the moment and you don't know when you've gone too far. Sometimes you just get so mad sometimes. I know you tried to warn Iraq. You told Iraq to stop provoking you. But Iraq wouldn't listen. Iraq was being stubborn and ignorant, and you had to teach Iraq a lesson. Now Iraq's all beaten and bruised and bleeding everywhere, ****ing up the good carpet. It's time to chill the **** out, America. You don't wanna kill Iraq. You just wanna show Iraq how much you love it. It's just sometimes you go a little crazy is all.

Step 2

Give Iraq a Kleenex and tell it to clean itself up. Tell Iraq to hurry, you ain't got all day.

Step 3

Now comes the hard part. You've got to apologize to Iraq, America. Even if you don't really mean it, you've got to swallow your pride and say the words "I'm sorry, baby." Tell Iraq that sometimes America just gets so mad sometimes, and things get out of hand. America doesn't mean to hurt Iraq. America just wants to teach Iraq a lesson, because America loves Iraq so much, baby. America knows what's best for Iraq, and if Iraq would just listen and stop being so stubborn, it could be the best country in the world.

Step 4

Surprise Iraq with a little present. How about ... the gift of democracy! Get all your friends together and make a big celebration out of it. Offer Iraq a little tiny slice of democracy for the cameras. Wait a minute! What's that? Iraq doesn't want your democracy? Tell Iraq it better take a bite of democracy, dammit. C'mon, Iraq, don't disappoint America in front of all these people. C'mon, have some democracy, you low-down dirty ho!

If Iraq asks you to leave it alone, just raise your fist and tell it to stop being all uppity. If Iraq still fights back, well, you're gonna have to teach Iraq a lesson.

Step 5

OK, you did it again. Now you done put Iraq in the hospital. Maybe it's time to do some soul-searching and find out if maybe the problem isn't with you. Promise Iraq that you're gonna try and get some help with your oil addiction and that you'll be a better country from now on. Oil makes you do some crazy things sometimes. Things you tend to regret later. You're gonna have to cut that shit out for good. You dig?

Step 6

Hey, I never said you had to quit cold turkey. Guzzle that shit down and drive over to Iraq's house and start busting up the joint, for old times' sake.

Step 7

OK, by now Iraq's probably threatening to kill your ass if you don't leave it alone. I know it's tough, but at some point you're gonna have to learn how to let go. It's gonna bruise the shit out of your ego, and other countries are probably gonna look down on you for the next few decades, but it has to be done. It'll allow Iraq to blossom into its own beautiful country, and it'll give you a chance to focus on improving yourself for a change. You used to be really great, remember? Think of all the amazing things you've done in the past. You went a little nuts there for a few years, but it's never too late to get back on track. Eventually, the world will learn to respect you again. They'll follow your example and learn from your mistakes.

And if it makes you feel any better, one day Iraq will probably star in a really shitty Mel Gibson movie.

Peace,
Ike

[JesusTitties]

http://mitglied.lycos.de/mrmauer/Bilder/forenpics/bestof/goth.jpg

[venusupnorth]

Healing Your Inner Child

1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.

2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

4. I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.

5. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

6. Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.

7. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.

8. I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all.

9. Joan of Arc heard voices, too.

10. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

11. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.

12. As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

13. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.

14. The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

15. As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

16. All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts.

17. I am at one with my duality.

18. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

19. Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

20. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.

21. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

22. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"

23. False hope is better than no hope at all.

24. A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.

25. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear in the Hollywood Cafe. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.

26. Who can I blame for my problems? Just give me a minute. . . . I'll find someone.

27. Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

28. The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

29. I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

30. Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next step of blaming my parents.

31. To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

32. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

33. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.

[trisherina]

From the Firefly episode Safe:

MAL: So, she's added cussing and hurling about of things to her repertoire. She really is a prodigy.

RIVER: The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds given adequate vacuuming systems.
MAL: See, morbid and creepifying, I got no problem with, long as she does it quiet-like.

JAYNE (faux-reading Simon's journal): "Dear Diary, Today I was pompous and my sister was crazy. Today we were kidnapped by hill folk never to be seen again. It was the best day ever."

[NimbleMarmoset]

http://people.ucsc.edu/~gradyh/photoshop/Saddles.jpg

[sammygirl]

hungry anyone? (http://www.x-entertainment.com/articles/0744/)

[venusupnorth]

hungry anyone? (http://www.x-entertainment.com/articles/0744/)
Americans are getting fat because of this junk food shit. Not even 1/3 of their nutritional needs are in fast food meals but over 2/3 of their calorie needs are???!!! If you're not getting the nutrients your body needs it keeps asking for more food even though it's got more than enough fat to burn for the next few weeks.
This pisses me off because the fastfood chains are popping up here in Iceland and it's starting to make some kids fat. When I was a kid we had like one fast food place in the whole country, now we have them around every street corner.
ARRRGGGGHHH!

[JesusTitties]

http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/051605/tend-your-farm.gif