Post something that made you laugh today.

[Smartypants]

http://onegoodmove.org/1gm/images/bbpres.jpg

[Jack Flanders]

jdbshow.com/images/wtf/wtf/wtf179.jpg

This is for you Frieda!

[Jack Flanders]

ignore this - I'm working out a problem :mad: :mad: :mad:

[Jack Flanders]

http://www.jdbshow.com/images/wtf/wtf179.jpg

This is for you, Frieda!!

Thanks, Gatsby - I finally figured out the image thing!!! :rolleyes: :D

[Smartypants]

http://img117.echo.cx/img117/984/biblewarning5hl.jpg

[RuneT]

Charlie walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:

'Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache.'

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: 'I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot.'

The man says: 'I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you.'

[priceyfatprude]

http://www.wackymats.com/images/WM-1064.jpg
LOL

[trisherina]

.By all accounts, Palestinians didn't choose Hamas because they reject peace talks with Israel but rather because they were fed up with graft in the ruling Fatah Party. Hamas candidates ran on a platform of clean government, largely de-emphasizing their militant credentials.

Samih al-Hattab, a 32-year-old policeman in Gaza City, said he voted for Hamas because "everyone wants change," but said he expected the group to soften its stances once in power.

[madasacutsnake]

abolla (n) the path traced by a drunk greek

Frustrated by his inability to square the circle with straightedge and compass, the philosopher Dahellamakakes eventually found he could establish many geometric results that had eluded that smarmy bastard Euclid, using only a beerbottle and table napkin. Chief among these was the construction of the abolla, the shortest path between the two local taverns that avoided passing Archimedes' house (to whom he owed money). Unfortunately most of his finest results were lost to history, many of them in fact, by the following morning.
.

[jasmina]

http://www.dearme.co.uk/b3ta/romeotxt.jpg.

[Max Headroom]

http://i.a.cnn.net/si/multimedia/photo_gallery/2006/01/26/nhl.agitators/clarke.jpg

[Smartypants]

Movie trailer. (http://www.fourletterfilm.com/trailer.htm)

(Caveat: May not be work safe.)

[Smartypants]

State of the Union Preview Video (http://media.echoditto.com/SOTU.mov)

-

[zero]

http://www.theler.net/canopener.jpg

[Gatsby]

This (http://www.zefrank.com/bulletin/showthread.php?t=9195&page=1) whole thread has been an ongoing source of entertainment for me.

[Jack Flanders]

Veddy, veddy funny Smarty!!!!

[Smartypants]

A nice long clip from last night's Daily Show. (http://homepage.mac.com/onegoodmove2/movies/ds013006info.mov)

"It hurts my think bone!" LOL! :D

[Smartypants]

MSNBC's Keith Olbermann's "Worst Person in the World" Award

"You know how much Satan hates to be disturbed when American Idol is on!" (http://homepage.mac.com/onegoodmove2/movies/ko013106oreilly.mov)


:D

[Jack Flanders]

A nice long clip from last night's Daily Show. (http://homepage.mac.com/onegoodmove2/movies/ds013006info.mov)

"It hurts my think bone!" LOL! :D

"Don't piss off Oprah!"LOL

"Wait 'til she finds out Dr. Phil is full of sh*t!"

[lapietra]

http://i.a.cnn.net/si/multimedia/photo_gallery/2006/01/26/nhl.agitators/clarke.jpg

Wow. It's *amazing* what the absence of a coupla teeth will do to your...erm... image.
(Try putting your finger over the gap - that would be a nice smile otherwise :p )

[Hyakujo's Fox]

(Try putting your finger over the gap - that would be a nice smile otherwise :p )
just how big are your fingers? ;)

[lapietra]

okay... Thumb. Horizontally. :p

[trisherina]

http://www.dowdytreasures.com/images/A104.jpg.

[sparticle]

:D

[ambo]

Because an increasing number of people are having heart attacks while gambling, the big, high-class casinos are now equipped with sophisticated defibrillators. They are computer-controlled to deliver the exact electric shock needed to revive a heart attack victim. That is, if you're at a big, high-class casino.

At the cheaper casinos downtown, they just drag you across the carpet and touch your finger to the doorknob.

[zenbabe]

Chillicothe Ohio At the Ross County Jail a 41 Yr old woman arrested after shots were fired. She managed to smuggle a gun (25 Cal) into the jail after her arrest. It was discovered after she removed it from her body and tried to hide it in a toilet paper roll in a holding cell and it hit the floor and discharged one round. Jail Deputies then scrambled to remove the woman from the cell and recover the gun.

The gun had been concealed in her vaginal cavity and was missed by police and jail officers during normal search procedures. Ohio Law does not permit cavity seraches unless a warrant is obtain first.

Story is on front page of todays Columbus Dispatch Metro Section

[madasacutsnake]

Relative: could you check on Mother? I've just had a call from her and she insists that there are two policemen in her room.

*Snake wanders down to room*

Snake: what's up Mrs G?

Mrs G: I've seen these two men in here before, they have badges so I know they must be policemen

And then points to the television where The Bill is on........

[craig johnston]

found in barcelona:

dad refills! landfill of cheese!

:D

[jasmina]

oh god that's brilliant! 'bread whistles at landfill of meat' .!!!

[Frieda]

move your Füdli (http://www.fitta-mit-am-gion.ch/)

[madasacutsnake]

^^
The video.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Wotsch dr oeppis roesti?

Move your finkli.............

[madasacutsnake]

Oh lord, it just gets better............

"Alpen-Disco"

[priceyfatprude]

http://www.betterthanears.com/bte/main.html

Because it's wrong to eschew meat, but still feed it to your wiener dog.

[Frieda]

^^
The video.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Wotsch dr oeppis roesti?

Move your finkli.............

they have a karaoke version too! :D

[craig johnston]

menu part two: old clothes anyone?
or hash to the cuban dance?

:D

[priceyfatprude]

menu part two: old clothes anyone?
or hash to the cuban dance?

:DWhat about the FAGS???!?!?!?!?!? :D

[Jack Flanders]

I liked the Slobber Ganugh from the first menu. Ummm!

[priceyfatprude]

Mmmmmmmm, slobber!

[Marcus Bales]

move your Füdli (http://www.fitta-mit-am-gion.ch/)

Is that RuneT?

M

[Audreyvgs]

ropa vieja=old clothes skirt steak cooked a long time with onions and green peppers... mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm cheap!

[Smartypants]

http://www.sfgate.com/chronicle/pictures/2006/02/03/020306-950x316-badreporter.gif

[Smartypants]

http://majikthise.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/rangel_1.jpg

[karma_queen]

rachel weisz has said that 'america is a different country to england in many ways'.

well done.

http://www.nndb.com/people/309/000032213/weisz4.jpg

[madasacutsnake]

Oh you see this irks me because

IT'S DIFFERENT FROM AND OPPOSITE TO.

[jasmina]

I hear the dulcet tones of the Grammar Police!

[priceyfatprude]

From the Style Network's How Do I Look:

"You managed to turn Gucci into Hoochie"

[lapietra]

http://mfrost.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/supercat_1.jpg

[smellyrayzin]

popo zao

aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhahahahaha, hahaha (http://www.thesuperficial.com/archives/2006/01/24/kevin_federline_jams_to_popoza.html)!

[madasacutsnake]

^^

Here chicken, chicken, chicken........

[Max Headroom]

aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhahahahaha, hahaha (http://www.thesuperficial.com/archives/2006/01/24/kevin_federline_jams_to_popoza.html)!

I can't believe I turned off the Salsoul Orchestra to listen to that. Back to "up the yellow brick road" I go.

[JesusTitties]

ebay complaint i just read:

Complaint : BOUGTH IT FOR MY COUSIN WHO HAD CANCER, ITEM NEVER ARRIVED AND MY COUSIN DIED


thats the greatest ebay feedback i have ever seen

[12"razormix]

cancer is definitely almost as entertaining as fat people.

[karma_queen]

there was the most entertaining documentary on a couple of days ago about morbidly obese people. this dude was from nebraska (i think) and weighed nearly 80 stone. his excuse?

'it's my metabolism', as his wife feeds him a breakfast of 10 fried eggs....

[AllegroNg]

During a morning breifing President Bush was informed that three Brazillian soldiers had just died. To which President Bush loudly replied "That's horrible!" His aides were shocked at his characteristically shocked response. After a brief pause to compose him self, President Bush asked, "How many is a brazillian anyway?"

[JesusTitties]

http://www.ziza.ru/data/upimages/nuilichki.jpg

[priceyfatprude]

there was the most entertaining documentary on a couple of days ago about morbidly obese people. this dude was from nebraska (i think) and weighed nearly 80 stone. his excuse?

'it's my metabolism', as his wife feeds him a breakfast of 10 fried eggs....I remember him!!! The reporter was asking his wife why she didn't lay down he law about his overeating & he butted in rather nastily about genetics.

His parents were both of normal size.

[JesusTitties]

http://img70.imageshack.us/img70/7522/fish7ad.jpg

[Smartypants]

Rosa Parks didn't know how good she had it:

"Someday we will be judged by the contents of our character, and not the color of our lungs." (http://www.comedycentral.com/sitewide/media_player/play.jhtml?itemId=58717&ml_collection=&ml_context=show&allowMotherload=true&ml_comedian=none&poppedFrom=_shows_the_daily_show_videos_stephen_co lbert_index.jhtml&)

[madasacutsnake]

Overheard at work.

"Liz is pissed off about something"

"How do you know?"

"She did that single raised eyebrow thing"

[priceyfatprude]

Overheard at work.

"Liz is pissed off about something"

"How do you know?"

"She did that single raised eyebrow thing"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

OMG

I KNOW THAT LOOK!

[Smartypants]

ATTY GENERAL ALBERTO GONZALES [Testifying before the senate Judiciary Committee this week]: I gave in my opening statement, Senator, examples where President Washington, President Lincoln, President Wilson, President Roosevelt have all authorized electronic surveillance of the enemy on a far broader scale -- far broader -- without any kind of probable cause standard, all communications in and out of the country.Gonzales explains "electronic surveillance" remarks
Special to Pajamaline Media (http://www.michaelberube.com/index.php/weblog/comments/848/)

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, widely ridiculed for yesterday’s statement that “President Washington, President Lincoln, President Wilson, President Roosevelt have all authorized electronic surveillance on a far broader scale” than that undertaken by President Bush, explained to the Senate Judiciary Committee today that George Washington’s “time” “machine” allowed him to travel backwards from 1790 to 1777 and reverse the colonists’ almost certain defeat at the hands of the British during the bleakest winter of the Revolutionary War.

Jabbing the air with “quotation” marks each time he uttered the words “time” and “machine,” Gonzales insisted that there was no other explanation for the outcome of the Revolutionary War.

“The Americans were outmanned, underfed, and barely clothed,” Gonzales noted, “and they were fighting one of the most powerful nations in the world. If not for Washington’s bold decision to bypass FISA and develop his ‘time’ ‘machine,’ we might all be speaking British to this very day.”

Senator Jeff Sessions (R - Alabama) underscored Gonzales’s statement, saying, “I am extremely disturbed by those Democrats and those members of the media who suggest that the father of our country was some kind of criminal, just because he wanted to defeat the enemy.”

Sessions proceeded to ask Gonzales about Abraham Lincoln’s use of electronics, and whether Lincoln might have used illegal methods in the conduct of “the war of Northern aggression.”

Gonzales replied that Lincoln had, indeed, ignored FISA during the Civil War. “Thanks to the development of his ‘laser’ in late 1863,” Gonzales said, once again making broad, exaggerated “quotation” gestures with his hands, “Lincoln was able to overcome the South’s early military victories and win the war. You don’t think William T. Sherman caused all that destruction by himself, do you?” Gonzales proceeded to explain that Lincoln’s laser was the result of a special project undertaken by Secretary of War Alan Parsons, and that its secret code name during the war was, accordingly, “the Alan Parsons Project.”

Injecting a moment of drama into the proceedings, Lindsey Graham (R - South Carolina) suddenly ran from the chamber in tears, vowing “revenge” against General Sherman and “laser-toting Yankees everywhere.”

When the committee returned to business, Russ Feingold (D - Wisconsin) interrogated Gonzales repeatedly about Lincoln’s laser, suggesting that “light amplification by stimulated emission of radiation” was not invented until 1958, when Arthur Schawlow and Charles Townes published the paper “Infrared and Optical Masers” in the journal Physical Review.

“That much is true,” said Gonzales. “But thanks to President Eisenhower’s wise decision to use Washington’s ‘time’ ‘machine’ in 1959, he was able to skirt messy, bureaucratic Congressional oversight in order to deliver the ‘laser’ to Abraham Lincoln just in the nick of time. And that’s the kind of crisp, time-travelling decision-making power the President needs today.”

.

[Jack Flanders]

I've lived in Trenton NJ for the last 22 years and know for a fact that in the 1770's that George Washington (and he slept here ya know as did Lincoln but not together) wasn't even using tin cans and a string nor a drinking glass on the wall to listen to the British or the Hessians who were caught drinking quite heavily around Christmas many years ago - three miles from where I live. Cool, huh? Not funny? Well, the stoopid Hessians were so hung over that they f*cked up and pretty much lost the war for the the Brits. Old news, I know. Never mind.

[priceyfatprude]

I liked it, Jack. :)

[Smartypants]

I had to think hard about whether or not to post this, as I feared that if Frieda saw it, she would dump the Hoff and he would lose her forever into the arms of Stephen Colbert...

It's a risk that I've decided is worth it. (http://homepage.mac.com/onegoodmove2/movies/cr020906musicvideo.mov)

:D

[Smartypants]

http://www.thepartyparty.com/images/display.jpg

Crank up the volume!!! (homepage.mac.com/njenson/mp3/dickisakiller.mp3) (Unless you're situated in a stodgy work environment.)



(The source.) (www.thepartyparty.com/)

[Jack Flanders]

Woo Hoo!! dicdicdicdic... Did ya hear the one about Dick out shooting for Dan Quail?

[ambo]

Chris Bliss (http://chrisbliss.com/videopresskit.html)

.... and the finale piece is just awesome ....

[Jack Flanders]

good with balls!!

[priceyfatprude]

Campus Ladies on Oxygen.

Like Strangers with Candy!!!

[trisherina]

Q: Did Aborigines have pets?
A: Sort of. Aboriginal people did not keep pets, but they did have animals that might have stayed outside their houses.

[~*WickedAngel*~]

^^ Halloween 2007?? What's your big hurry? :confused:


There was never supposed to be a hurry. His mom hates me, that much I know. It scares the crap out of me that she wants to help plan the wedding. She was calling me every night at all hours of the night about dress plans, flowers, colors, so on. Finally we decided that we weren't planning a d**n thing anymore until he actually proposes. Apparently he thinks we'll "jinx" the wedding if we plan anything this early, but I have ideas.

Is it weird to have planned some of your wedding before he even proposes?

[Smartypants]

Tonight the Vice President is standing by his decision to shoot Harry Whittington. Now according to the best intelligence available, there were quail hidden in the brush. Everyone believed at the time-there-were-quail in the brush. And while the quail turned out to be the 78 year old man -- even knowing that today, Mr. Cheney insists -- he still would have shot Mr. Whittington in the face.

Click. (http://homepage.mac.com/onegoodmove/movies/ds021306dick.mov)

[~*WickedAngel*~]

The pictures I posted in the Valentine's Day thread.

[JesusTitties]

http://www.dolem.com/myspace/images/hollar.jpg

[Smartypants]

Olympics Opening Ceremony (http://homepage.mac.com/onegoodmove2/movies/ds021306olympics.mov)

Truth is stranger than fiction!

HAHAHAHA!!!

[sparticle]

Screaming Banshee Goes On A Date (http://www.hallmark.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/product|10001|10051|626856|-2;-102001;-102082||P1R13SO|products)

[trisherina]

.I'll take the bracelet as I could use it to make a fork.

[craig johnston]

naughty jj!

[Frieda]

i've just been invited to a meeting at work called

"work more efficiently in 2006"

WTF?? :D it's from 13:30-14:30.. i'll let you guys know :D

[madasacutsnake]

Post from the meeting if possible.

[Frieda]

ok im back


well this was cool with post it notes on the wall and stuff like that

and were going to

- solve problems to stop incidents from happening
- shift work around
- have less meetings :D

[jasmina]

sounds like it was incredibly productive then.
Do you feel more efficient already?

[ShopaholicChick]

I got hit on today by a Dude wearing Panty Hose!!!

[craig johnston]

dinzdale strikes again!

:)

[~*WickedAngel*~]

My aunt wants to name my cousin's unborn child Nicholas Alvin Elijah. Alvin...Like the chipmunk. So now everytime I talk to her, I sing the chipmunk theme song.

[jasmina]

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P
Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16
17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

[Jack Flanders]

That was funny and very clever!!!!

[dinzdale]

i have a ball python that i want to breed he is a bout 2 feet he is a goood eater so if you know ney thing a bout breeding ball python post a it oh haer ok

This is possibly the funniest thing I have read in a month.... :)

[ShopaholicChick]

Eas ter (e ster) noun The celebration of the day when Jesus died, was buried and then resurrected as a chocolate rabbit who lays colorful eggs and then carries them house to house in a little basket, delivering them to all the children


if you like that check out my store it is available on tshirts and more along with other witty sayings!!!!! the link is in my signature!!

[karma_queen]

^ that made me laugh. but for all the wrong reasons.

[ShopaholicChick]

^ that made me laugh. but for all the wrong reasons.

i also have one with this cute little bunny cartoon on it...with a thought cloud above his head that says "the brown ones are not jelly beans" i tried to enclose the pic of it but it wont work :( they are on my store under seasonal>holidays>easter


i have have some st pattys daydesigns up like

"Beer me i'm irish"

[karma_queen]

v witty

[jasmina]

oh god oh god oh god

I really don't know what to say

[dinzdale]

Maybe a witty slogan for your on-line store could be....I dunno...

"My Other T-shirts are remotely funny."

[craig johnston]

could you make a t-shirt with 'was that dog' on it?

i would buy.

;)

[madasacutsnake]

cannedfish_25 (57 )

I recently sold a violin several days ago and went to post it today.

Since my mum was the one who bought the violin several years ago, at first I did run it by her, she was fine with it and I agreed to give her all the money I made from it.

However today she completely flipped and rufused to let me post it! She says she wants to keep it for 'future grandchildren'...since I'm only 18 that's a scary thought.

I realise that it is against eBay policy to refuse to sell an item at the completion of a listing, I just read up on it, but it's not like I was the person doing anything wrong...

What to do?! If anybody has been in a similar situation I'd love to hear from you.




johnw8343 (23 )

I can only think of two suggestions,

1, come out of the closet and tell your mum you are gay and there will be no grandchildren.

2, start playing again and after about 2 hours she is bound to tell you to get rid of it.

[JesusTitties]

http://i47.photobucket.com/albums/f185/interview123/image001.jpg

[Brynn]

:) :) :) :)

[Smartypants]

Cheney goes ahead with plans for Folsom Prison concert.

Crank up the volume!! (http://cheneyplaysfolsom.cf.huffingtonpost.com/)

:D

[JesusTitties]

i dont know how they kept a straight face (http://media.putfile.com/SNL-----Schweaty--Balls)

[Jack Flanders]

The audio was really bad but I recognize the *Sweaty Balls* sketch from SNL. I miss Jimmy Fallon - he would crack up and get the others giggling.

[trisherina]

http://img53.imageshack.us/img53/8099/chabot3ng.jpg

[Smartypants]

^^ LOL!!

---

Last week's "Bad Reporter"...

Wed 2/22:
http://www.sfgate.com/chronicle/pictures/2006/02/22/022206-950x316-badreporter.gif

Fri 2/24:
http://www.sfgate.com/chronicle/pictures/2006/02/24/022406-950x316-badreporter.gif

[ambo]

Commentator at a poker tournament:
"He'd be better off stuck in an elevator with a Rottweiler and a nuclear reactor"

[Smartypants]

http://www.members.tripod.com/cfsoutlaws/images/Pain_in_the_ass_medal.gif

[l'azizza]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating. Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy!"

Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off and falls flat on his face.

"Shoite," he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again.

"Shoite, Shoite!" He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

"Bi'Jesus... I'm smashed," he says to himself. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No way." So he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

He says, "Dang it" and ultimately climbs into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"

Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was smashed. But how'd you know?"

"Mick phoned, . . You left your wheelchair at the pub."

[ambo]

No idea how old this is.....
Declaration of Revocation (http://www.stephaniemiller.com/declarationofrevocation.htm)

[craig johnston]

6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).

We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

words of wisdom!

:)

[Smartypants]

(I know this should go in one of the religious debate threads, but...)

From this week's New Yorker:

--------

A MEMO FROM THE VATICAN
by PAUL RUDNICK
Issue of 2006-03-06
Posted 2006-02-27

From: His Holiness
To: All seminaries

Subject: While the Church approves of ordaining “transitory” homosexuals—that is, those men willing to take subways and buses rather than taxis—according to our most recent directive we “cannot admit to the priesthood those who practice homosexuality, present deeply rooted homosexual tendencies, or support the so-called ‘gay culture.’ ” The following questionnaire should be used to help identify and root out such truly committed homosexuals.

1. Jesus would have been a bad boyfriend because:
(a) He wasn’t gay or sexual in any way, so the question is disgusting.
(b) He would have cared about everyone, but not enough about you.
(c) He wasn’t really Jewish.

2. Priests traditionally wear black with a white collar because:
(a) The attire is simple and modest.
(b) It’s slimming.
(c) The matching quilted shoulder bag is what really makes the whole thing work.

3. Priests take a vow of poverty because:
(a) It’s selfless and humbling.
(b) It’s handy when the check comes.
(c) It makes their apartments feel larger.

4. Should Kate Moss be allowed to take Communion?

5. If there were a Fox series set in the Vatican, it should star:
(a) Wilfred Brimley, as a wise, compassionate Pontiff.
(b) Jennifer Love Hewitt, as a lovely and devout young nun who can talk to martyrs.
(c) Me and Heath. Period.

6. If you found yourself attracted to another priest, you would:
(a) Ask him to pray with you to battle the sinful urge, over drinks.
(b) Banish all such thoughts from your mind until you lose fifteen pounds.
(c) Ask him, “What’s black and white and wants your number?”

7. When you were watching “The Passion of the Christ,” did you ever think, It’s deeply moving and profoundly important, but it’s not “Chicago”?

8. God is:
(a) All-loving and all-forgiving.
(b) All-loving and all-forgiving, sometimes.
(c) All-loving and all-forgiving, unlike white spandex tank tops.

9. Do you believe that the Ten Commandments should apply to everyone except Dennis Quaid?

10. If a couple asked you to christen their baby with the name Tiffany, would you respond, “Why don’t we just call her You Big Trailer Park Whore?”?

11. Do you believe that the Church should get involved in the final round of “American Idol”?

12. If you were asked to counsel a young couple who were about to be married, would your first topic be “Everyday china”?

13. Whom would you recommend for sainthood?
(a) Mother Teresa.
(b) Mother Teresa’s less popular sister, Linda.
(c) Any of Mariah Carey’s personal assistants.

14. The phrase “Hate the sin but love the sinner” refers to:
(a) Homosexuals.
(b) Fried foods.
(c) Kelly Ripa.

15. Essay question: Why didn’t God just destroy Sodom and Gomorrah through overgentrification?

16. In the Gnostic Gospels, which apostle is referred to as “scrumptious”? (This is a trick question, because, no matter what Luke says, it’s not Mark.)

17. If your bishop asked you to take a vow of silence, what would your response be?
(a) Unquestioning obedience.
(b) To comically mime the words “Stop it!”
(c) To scribble on your notepad, “Fire!”

18. What is the difference between God and Oprah?
(a) None of God’s book is true.
(b) God didn’t create Dr. Phil.
(c) God still won’t do “Letterman.”

[JesusTitties]

http://www2.shrani.si/pics/31dlcnjp.gif

[Smartypants]

Rex Ray, the Ex-Gay (http://www.bettybowers.com/ray1.html)

http://www.bettybowers.com/graphics/ray1.gif
http://www.bettybowers.com/graphics/ray2.gif
http://www.bettybowers.com/graphics/ray3.gif
http://www.bettybowers.com/graphics/ray4.gif
http://www.bettybowers.com/graphics/ray5.gif
http://www.bettybowers.com/graphics/ray6.gif
http://www.bettybowers.com/graphics/ray7.gif
http://www.bettybowers.com/graphics/ray8.gif

[Smartypants]

http://www.bettybowers.com/graphics/ray9.gif
http://www.bettybowers.com/graphics/ray10.gif
http://www.bettybowers.com/graphics/ray11.gif
http://www.bettybowers.com/graphics/ray12.gif
http://www.bettybowers.com/graphics/ray13.gif
http://www.bettybowers.com/graphics/ray14.gif
http://www.bettybowers.com/graphics/ray15.gif
http://www.bettybowers.com/graphics/ray16.gif

[trisherina]

all you need is clubs (http://www.ctv.ca/servlet/ArticleNews/story/CTVNews/20060302/Seal_hunt_060302/20060302?hub=CTVNewsAt11)

[Smartypants]

The incredibly stupid old movie "Myra Breckinridge" is playing on the Fox Movie Channel. I happened to turn it on just as an aged Mae West meets a very tall cowboy:

MAE WEST: Hey there, cowboy. Mmmm, how tall are you?

COWBOY: I'm six feet, seven inches, ma'am.

MAE WEST: Mmmm, well let's forget about the six feet, but why don't you come into my office, where we can discuss those seven inches.

[Avalon]

http://img124.imageshack.us/img124/3394/image0018jz.jpg.

[Jack Flanders]

Nice buns, Babe!

[Jack Flanders]

http://www.jdbshow.com/images/wtf/wtf197.jpg

[ambo]

A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous woman. He notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book! It says that American Indians have the longest penises and Italian men are the bes t in bed. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"

"Tonto Tortolini, nice to meet you."

[jasmina]

http://www.domesticadesign.com/b3ta/dickinson.gif

[Jack Flanders]

http://g0lem.net/2images/cutepuppies.jpg

[Frieda]

http://www.photo.net/photodb/presentation?presentation_id=282197

[Smartypants]

The Microsoft iPod (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aeXAcwriid0&search=microsoft%20ipod)

[madasacutsnake]

Relative: Mother has been diagnosed with dementia but we completely disagree with the diagnosis. It's a medical conspiracy!

Mother: I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts..........

Snake: Oh they often get these things wrong, I'm sure it's nothing medication won't fix.

Mother: There they are all standing in a row, big ones, small ones, some as big as your head.............

Relative: You see! Perfectly sane!

Snake: Can I interest you in some medication?

[karma_queen]

last night the guy in our basement flat tried to kill himself by setting fire to his place. we were woken up by the fire alarm. we were so overcome, that we laughed.

i am so freaked out right now.

[JesusTitties]

/

[topcat]

last night the guy in our basement flat tried to kill himself by setting fire to his place. we were woken up by the fire alarm. we were so overcome, that we laughed.

i am so freaked out right now.
this cracked me up. my freakin sides are hurting. i can't stop laughing. damn funnier then benny hill.

[karma_queen]

you don't understand. it was horrific. we were tired and upset. there was nothing else to do.

[JesusTitties]

http://i25.photobucket.com/albums/c79/Loopz56/upsfunny.jpg

[JesusTitties]

http://sperone.free.fr/images/extraz/PICS5/waiting.jpg

[JesusTitties]

http://www.image-upload.net/files/48/poohbear.gif

[madasacutsnake]

"My parents divorced when I was 5. The custody battle ended when I was 16. They are stilling fighting over "back child support." Ladies and Gentlemen, I just turned 29."

[jasmina]

Opening line of Hoovers' company profile on Masterfoods:

"Mars knows that chocolate sales are nothing to snicker at"

[entropies]

http://www.comics.com/comics/cowandboy/archive/cowandboy-20060312.html

[priceyfatprude]

http://sperone.free.fr/images/extraz/PICS5/waiting.jpgI love this one.

[magdalen]

My boyfriend phoned me this morning when I was in a meeting and just said "Hey, you know what, I am so glad your parents didn't name you Geesje." And then hung up. :D

[JesusTitties]

http://teppla.com/txt/truffle.gif

[Jack Flanders]

WTF was that? Captain Picard shooting a chubby Superboy?

[ambo]

Hehe, looks like two separate clips, one from STTNG, and the other I think from Goonies.

[Jack Flanders]

Hmm.

[craig johnston]

the german coastguard (http://video.greatestjournal.com/files/berlitz_tv_commercial%202006.mpg)

:)

[Jack Flanders]

OMG that was so f-ing funny!!!!

[trisherina]

check out the scary pic of Demi Moore and brood (http://www.sky.com/showbiz/picture_gallery/0,,50002-1151060-1,00.html)

[JesusTitties]

WTF was that? Captain Picard shooting a chubby Superboy?
dude judging by your posts, have you picked up a newspaper and/or seen a movie in the past ten years?

[Jack Flanders]

They have very scary eyes but check out Mariah's boobs!! BooM!

[Jack Flanders]

dude judging by your posts, have you picked up a newspaper and/or seen a movie in the past ten years?

Dud, I guess not. Well, I do read the paper every day, maybe not the movie section, but the current news. I don't go to the movie theatre that often because I can watch what I want on the telly or rent it.

[craig johnston]

so you've never seen the tit's fave movie?

'overweight nudists attacked by giant willies from mars' ?

count yourself lucky.

:rolleyes:

[Marcus Bales]

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=4776181634656145640&pr=goog-sl

[Hyakujo's Fox]

let's just hope the people who decide on these new olympic sports don't see this

[ambo]

Chris Bliss is AWESOME !

[JesusTitties]

http://9.forumer.com/uploads/emilbolbg/av-8415.gif

[jasmina]

dude judging by your posts, have you picked up a newspaper and/or seen a movie in the past ten years?
Dude, the dude is a chick
Have you read this message board recently?
:)

[madasacutsnake]

http://cgi3.ebay.com.au/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewUserPage&userid=netcatchers1

[Jack Flanders]

Ick!

[12"razormix]

.


http://www.circuitcity.com/IMAGE/product/detail/vlu/EC.VLU.755142103590.JPG


.

[zero]

12razomrix you're supposed to be proper :mad:

[12"razormix]

you wanna take it outside? :D

[zero]

i'm shattered :(

[12"razormix]

i fixed it :o

ps: you can kiss my arse now! :mad:

[zero]

x

thank you Your Properness :)

[12"razormix]

i have chocolate at my desk!

[zero]

for a living?

[12"razormix]

yes, i find selling chocolate covered almonds very rewarding! it's a change from the daily ho hum..

( i brought them to work since my neighbours started complaining )

[zero]

about the noise?

[12"razormix]

they didn't respond well to my door-to-door strategy ( maybe it was the singing )

[zero]

well how many times have i told you having chocolate is more of a desk job

[12"razormix]

i hat it when you're right!

[zero]

please don't hat me

i hat being hatted

[12"razormix]

IT

i hat IT!!!

( even though alex may have given it to you for christmas )

[zero]

:confused:

i love the hat he gave me for christmas

[12"razormix]

that's what you say now

[zero]

are you saying i've changed my tune?

[zero]

http://news.bbc.co.uk/olmedia/1080000/images/_1081747_alcock300.jpg

[12"razormix]

http://victorjr.users.superford.org/roundrockcomputer/aol/buckwheat.jpg

DON'T SHOOT!

[LeahDear]

:eek:

[EmotionalVelcro]

Kerfuffle? (http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/national/1151AP_Bush_Kerfuffle.html)

[12"razormix]

"Mr. President, with the war in Iraq costing $19,600 per U.S. household, how do you expect a generation of young people such as ourselves, to afford college a time like this, when we're paying for a war in Iraq?"

"Yes. Well - hold on for a minute," Bush said. "Hold on. We can do more than one thing at one time. And when you grow your economy, like we're growing our economy, there is an opportunity to not only protect ourselves, but also to provide more Pell grants than any administration in our nation's history, and increase the student loan program."

[EmotionalVelcro]

There ought to be a thread somewhere in-between the "made you laugh" and "made you slightly irritated" threads.

[EmotionalVelcro]

Perhaps "Post something that made you laugh due to feelings of befuddlement and futility"?

[JesusTitties]

http://www.senocular.com/pub/images/humor/GunControl0504.gif

[lapietra]

http://www.zefrank.com/bulletin/showpost.php?p=303080&postcount=11

[surflugen]

cats in action (http://fotos.gatorristas.org/catsinaction.wmv)

[madasacutsnake]

PFP is selling on ebay.

http://cgi.ebay.com/VINTAGE-EIFFEL-TOWER-NEEDLEPOINT-PETIT-POINT-PURSE_W0QQitemZ8398274769QQcategoryZ74965QQrdZ1QQc mdZViewItem

[surflugen]

cats in action (http://fotos.gatorristas.org/catsinaction.wmv)
What that hell was that. Thats not the video I wanted to post. Damn IT>

[Avalon]

And here I thought you were just easily amused :p

[priceyfatprude]

PFP is selling on ebay.

http://cgi.ebay.com/VINTAGE-EIFFEL-TOWER-NEEDLEPOINT-PETIT-POINT-PURSE_W0QQitemZ8398274769QQcategoryZ74965QQrdZ1QQc mdZViewItemOMG, that's bee-yoo-tiful!!! Also, I loved this:

Seller's return policy:
Return Policy Details: I Know what it is to be a crazed bag fiend. Don't bother me with the small stuff. Don't play games. If I missed something important I will send your money back when you send the purse back in the same condition you recieved it. I said important. If you tell me you want a refund because of a dot in the inside of the inside pocket that I did not disclose clearly to decieve people who pretend they don't know about dots in inside pockets...I beg you...don't bid here.

[madasacutsnake]

http://youtube.com/watch?v=3RGkNHr17OU

[random]

Kitten huffing (http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Kitten_huffing)

[Smartypants]

Cheney's Travel Demands. (http://onegoodmove.org/1gm/1gmarchive/2006/03/no_exit.html)

This clip from the Daily Show is priceless. Also check out the link to Bush's top 10 travel demands. LOL!

[trisherina]

"Britney Spears is the 'ideal' model for Pro-Life..." (http://www.caplakesting.com/2006_catalog/de/index.htm)

And hey, her hands are 'water-retentive.'

[Jack Flanders]

I'm sorry, but I'll be brief - OMG - WTF? (I do not like her.)

[madasacutsnake]

WTF

MY HEAD JUST SPUN ROUND BECAUSE THIS SELFISH LITTLE COW COULDN'T EVEN BE BOTHERED TO GIVE BIRTH BECAUSE SHE WAS "AFRAID OF THE PAIN". SHE HAD HIM CUT OUT OF HER. AND THEN WHINED ABOUT HOW HORRIFIC IT WAS.

HELLO.

I PERSONALLY WOULDN'T GIVE A FLYING FARK HOW SHE CHOSE TO GIVE BIRTH BUT THE FACT IS THE MORE WOMEN WHO PROMOTE SURGICAL BIRTH AS THE EASY OPTION ARE MAKING IT THAT MUCH HARDER FOR THE REST OF US WHO WORK SO HARD TO GIVE WOMEN WHO DO ACTUALLY CARE, A CHOICE IN THE MATTER.

BRITTNEY - THANKS FOR MAKING EVERYTHING JUST THAT LITTLE BIT MORE DIFFICULT FOR ALL OF US WHO GIVE A FARK.

[craig johnston]

oooh, now tit will be upset that you insulted his true lurve...

:rolleyes:

[Smartypants]

Bye Bye Birdie. (http://homepage.mac.com/onegoodmove2/movies/ds031506hunting.mov)

[magdalen]

Looking for my Leopard (http://www.rathergood.com/looking/)

[trisherina]

Dinzdale's judging of the Dictionary Game, bless his ridiculous soul.

[magdalen]

Do it yourself animals (http://eatliver.com/animals/)

[Jack Flanders]

^^^HAHA!!!!

[madasacutsnake]

I emailed that link to a friend. Her response:

Dean doesn't want me to play with you anymore. You scare him!

[priceyfatprude]

THE WINDUP:

My immediate supervisor (not my boss) got a job in a different department. More money, blah blah. So tonight we went to Texas Roadhouse (yes, it is as ghastly as it sounds; no, they do not serve Texas Roadkill) for dinner & drinks to celebrate.

THE PITCH:

My coworker, Rhonda (not her real name) is trying to get pregnant. Has been for over 2 years. My coworker Jane (she loves Jesus. A Lot. She's original 40 Year Old Virgin. Also not her real name) asked her if she had tried eating wheat germ sprinkled on her foods, and Rhonda says yes.

THE HOMERUN:

WITH NO KIND OF SEGUE WHATSOEVER, Jane asks Rhonda what kind of underwear her husband wears.


LOLROFLPIMP



I thought I was going to die. My coworkers know that nothing can really shock me. Rhonda says, "You're blushing!!" I said, "Didn't think it was possible, didja?" she says, "NO!!!"

She then tells us all her husband's medical tests to see why they can't get pregnant cost them $800. So of course, I said, "I would've done it for free!"

This won't be nearly as funny tomorrow when I am sober. :)

[Jack Flanders]

I can't wait to hear why his underwear will be the reason for reproducing!!! DRINK COFFEE!! We need to know!!

[priceyfatprude]

I guess the reason is, tighty whities can constrict the ol' boys & reduce sperm production. Boxers are better.

But dang, dudes, that was funny.

[Jack Flanders]

Hang 'm low, huh? Doesn't temperature also play a factor?

[Avalon]

In some cases yes^^^ but his job would then be the cause. Unless ofcourse he sleeps over the heating vent or some such.....

[ambo]

A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!

He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asks his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes" comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband.

The drunk replies, "Over here on the swing."

[Smartypants]

Jon Stewart/Fox News (http://homepage.mac.com/onegoodmove2/movies/ds032706fox.mov)

[Smartypants]

The McPassion (http://themcpassion.com/)

[daverbee]

http://veritas.arizona.edu/Pearls%20Before%20Swine%208-1-04.gif

[craig johnston]

ok, so this mate of mine came across the expression 'to do a mulligan'
in a newsweek article. she asked me what it meant, so i looked at
urban dictionary and found.....mulligan (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=mulligan)

#2 made me laugh

:)

[jasmina]

Sean Connery gets a call from his agent one day. The agent goes
"Sean, I've got you a job, starts tomorrow, early. You'll have
to be there for 10-ish".



Sean furrows his brow and says "Tennish? But I don't even have a
racket."

[daverbee]

http://www.comics.com/comics/pearls/archive/images/pearls2006032348936.jpg

[daverbee]

Outsourcing the Presidency to India


Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of May 31, 2006.

The move is being made to save the President's $400,000 yearly salary, and also a record $521 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead the office has incurred during the last 5 years.

"We believe this is a wise move financially. The cost savings should be significant," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). Reynolds, with the aid of the Government Accounting Office, has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively. "We cannot expect to remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.

Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for sometime. Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India, will be assuming the office of President as of March 22, 2006.

Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month but with no health coverage or other benefits. It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night, when few offices of the US Government will be open. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the American Express call center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President someday."

A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem because Bush was not familiar with the issues either. Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issues at all.

"We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "President Bush has used them successfully for years." Mr. Singh may have problems with the Texas drawl, but lately Bush has abandoned the "down home" persona in his effort to appear intelligent and on top of the Katrina situation.

Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two week waiting period, he will be eligible for $240 a week unemployment for 13 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit.

Mr. Bush has been provided the out-placement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to limited practical work experience. A Greeter position at Wal-Mart was suggested due to Bush's extensive experience shaking hands and phony smile.

Another possibility is Bush's re-enlistment in the Texas Air National Guard. His prior records are conspicuously vague but should he choose this option, he would likely be stationed in Waco, TX for a month, before being sent to Iraq, a country he has visited. "I've been there, I know all about Iraq," stated Mr. Bush, who gained invaluable knowledge of the country in a visit to the Baghdad Airport's terminal and gift shop.

Sources in Baghdad and Falluja say Mr. Bush would receive a warm reception from local Iraqis. They have asked to be provided with details of his arrival so that they might arrange an appropriate welcome.

[ambo]

Having just come from a company where 95% of the IT department was outsourced to India, this really struck a funny bone
:D

[priceyfatprude]

God, I sound like Dr. Phil. F him. LOLOLOL

[craig johnston]

cat fan! (http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&n=2&videoID=635097323&Mytoken=14DD6C23-BA09-127B-5470783F9844EFA53973137)

:D

[jasmina]

that's so mean!!!

[craig johnston]

yep, but you laughed, didn't you?

;)

[trisherina]

Needs to be quoted in full:

"Black Stump Bordeaux" is rightly praised as a peppermint flavoured
Burgundy, whilst a good "Sydney Syrup" can rank with any of the world's
best sugary wines.

"Chateau Bleu", too, has won many prizes; not least for its taste, and
its lingering afterburn.

"Old Smokey, 1968" has been compared favourably to a Welsh claret,
whilst the Australian Wino Society thoroughly recommends a 1970 "Coq du
Rod Laver", which, believe me, has a kick on it like a mule: 8 bottles
of this, and you're really finished -- at the opening of the Sydney
Bridge Club, they were fishing them out of the main sewers every half an
hour.

Of the sparkling wines, the most famous is "Perth Pink". This is a
bottle with a message in, and the message is BEWARE!. This is not a
wine for drinking -- this is a wine for laying down and avoiding.

Another good fighting wine is "Melbourne Old-and-Yellow", which is
particularly heavy, and should be used only for hand-to-hand combat.

Quite the reverse is true of "Chateau Chunder", which is an appellation
contrôlée, specially grown for those keen on regurgitation -- a fine wine
which really opens up the sluices at both ends.

Real emetic fans will also go for a "Hobart Muddy", and a prize winning
"Cuiver Reserve Chateau Bottled Nuit San Wagga Wagga", which has a
bouquet like an aborigine's armpit.

[karma_queen]

my gay best friend, commenting on how we've moved up in the world:

'we've gone from hoi polloi to hoity toity'

[Jack Flanders]

yep, but you laughed, didn't you?

;)


You sick bastard!!! (I'm still laughing, damn you.) :o :o

[jasmina]

yep, but you laughed, didn't you?

;)

yeah but only a BIT

[Brynn]

my gay best friend, commenting on how we've moved up in the world:

'we've gone from hoi polloi to hoity toity'

This is an important distinction. There's a lot of la-di-da between the two. :D

[divisionbiscuit]

Reading The Comic Toolbox by John Vorhaus. In the intro, he discovers the fun of writing in the passive voice.

"The room was walked into by a man by whom strong, handsome features were had. A woman was met by him. The bed was lain upon by her. Then the bed was lain upon by him. Clothing was removed from them both. Sex was had. Climax was acheved. Afterward, cigarettes were smoked by them. Suddenly, the door was opened by the husband of the woman by whom the bed was lain upon. Some screams were screamed and angry words exchanged. Jealousy was felt by the man by whom the gun was held. Firing of the gun was done by him. The flying of bullets took place. Impact was felt by bodies. Remorse was then felt by the man by whom the gun was held. The gun was turned upon himself.

"And the rest, as they say, is forensics."

[Chanelle]

Hi, wat's up?

[lapietra]

http://www.its-lala.com/morpho.jpg

[ShopaholicChick]

i recieved a private message today on yahoo - i changed the names -


Him: hi theres your really hot
Me: thanks asl
Him: 62/m...you looking for a good time this afternoon with a mature man
Me: your older then my mother thats disgusting goodbye
Him: shut up you poopy head
Me: how mature - you sure your not 12??

I put him on ignore at that point - apparently he messaged another girl in the same chat room and when she called him an old man he called her "doody breath"

[Max Headroom]

Hi, wat's up?

This made me laugh

[craig johnston]

a friend's mother wrote a mail describing spring in her garden. the usual sort of thing, this budding and that blooming etc.
she wrote; '....and there's a wren building in the creeper'

he replied; 'what, like st paul's cathedral?'

:D

[karma_queen]

my friends aunt was telling me about how she once had a conversation with one of her friends about gandhi. her friend's daughter looked up, and asked 'gandhi warhol?'

[micjiggles]

i recieved a private message today on yahoo - i changed the names -


Him: hi theres your really hot
Me: thanks asl
Him: 62/m...you looking for a good time this afternoon with a mature man
Me: your older then my mother thats disgusting goodbye
Him: shut up you poopy head
Me: how mature - you sure your not 12??

I put him on ignore at that point - apparently he messaged another girl in the same chat room and when she called him an old man he called her "doody breath"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

That is hilarious! Had to can myself. Still am. Great stuff, those lovely insults.

[micjiggles]

goodness, i hope this doesn't get too long, but i thought I had to let the whole world know the beauty of misunderstanding languages. (must be said beforehand:we are german-speaking, therefore misunderstandings like these are quite common)

my mom and i went to an podiatrist (a foot doctor, just in case someone doesn't know).

after he examined her feet and was satisfied with the results, my mom got up from the chair, shoes in hand, and was about to leave the room. then the doctor said to her: 'You can put your shoes on here!!' and points to the chair.

and what does my mom do? she places the shoes on the chair and looks at him expectantly.

after a few seconds of confused silence, he explains to her that he meant for her to put her shoes back on her feet while sitting on the chair.


I laughed for 2 hours straight...

P.S: And, yes, i am aware that this could have been one of those 'I guess you had to be there' stories. But canned myself again while writing it, so was worth it

:)

[bertie]

Over the weekend, my friend and I hosted our monthly Dessert Club meeting, and I decided to make chocolate-chunk banana bread. While I was making the batter, my husband wandered through the kitchen and said, "GROSS!! It looks like you barfed in a bowl, and now you're gonna bake it!" A little later on when my friend arrived with her sinfully rich chocolate cherry cake with fudge icing, she giggled as she removed the foil cover. When I asked why she was laughing, she said that her husband wandered through the kitchen while she was icing the cake and said, "Ew. That looks like turd casserole!" Then I told her what my husband said, and we had a good laugh....we're married to a couple of morons!

[lapietra]

goodness, i hope this doesn't get too long, but i thought I had to let the whole world know the beauty of misunderstanding languages. (must be said beforehand:we are german-speaking, therefore misunderstandings like these are quite common)

my mom and i went to an podiatrist (a foot doctor, just in case someone doesn't know).

after he examined her feet and was satisfied with the results, my mom got up from the chair, shoes in hand, and was about to leave the room. then the doctor said to her: 'You can put your shoes on here!!' and points to the chair.

and what does my mom do? she places the shoes on the chair and looks at him expectantly.

after a few seconds of confused silence, he explains to her that he meant for her to put her shoes back on her feet while sitting on the chair.


I laughed for 2 hours straight...

P.S: And, yes, i am aware that this could have been one of those 'I guess you had to be there' stories. But canned myself again while writing it, so was worth it

:)

Oh dear. I guess you wouldn't have to be a native German-speaker to make that mistake - I didn't see what was wrong until the explanation...

Good night, Gracie. :rolleyes: ;)

[lapietra]

"So far I have skated delicately around the definition of a relational database. It is really tempting to believe that the use of multiple tables marks the transition to a relational database. Indeed, I have read several times that a 'relational' database is so called because it allows you to 'relate' information held in different tables. How can I put this politely? This information is not correct. It is wrong. It is horribly wrong. Anyone who tells you this is incorrect. Regard anything that they tell you in the future with the deepest suspicion. If they try to sell you anything, say nothing, smile sweetly and walk carefully away."

eta: Reminds me of John Cleese in the "dead parrot" sketch... :D

[ambo]

That's cute. All databases have multiple tables. Such silliness.

[Smartypants]

DO NOT CLICK HERE unless you have lots of time to piss away. (http://www.kasperhauser.com/khmc/)

(And you're in a place where your laughter won't embarrass the hell out of you.)

[lapietra]

That's cute. All databases have multiple tables. Such silliness.

I know, huh? http://www.zefrank.com/bulletin/images/smilies/tongue.gif (It's an introduction to a chapter about Codd's rules... so he has to be very specific. http://www.zefrank.com/bulletin/images/smilies/smile.gif)

[ambo]

Thanks Smarty. That was fun !

[Smartypants]

^^ From that same Web site:
The following is an actual exchange between
James R. of the sketch comedy group Kasper Hauser
("Jock Plenary") and a Nigerian e-mail scammer
("Justice Shaish")

Mr. Justice Shaish,

I have read the terrible things that have
happened with your financial situation in Nigeria, and
I would like to help--IF YOU CAN GUARANTEE that i
would make some money to cover my costs. I am retired
from the railroad business for 37 years, and I know a
scam when I see one; I also have been able to save a
large amount of money over the last 40 years. I must
admit, I'm a little nervous doing business over the
internet. I could also travel if need be to a neutral
location or to Nigeria, if needed. What would be the
next step in helping you guys out?

Sincerely,
Jock Plenary, CEO
San Fertando Valley Agricultural Bank
California 98-0982

---------------------------------------------------
Attn: Jock Plenary,

I acknowlede the receipt of your mail and i am very
happy that you are willing to help me in this
transaction.

All that is needed from you is your trust and you have
to treat this deal very confidential. You have to send
to us your mailing address and your telephone and fax
number with your banking datas so that the accredited
attorney attached with contract payment will use it to
obtain all the valid documents that will back you up
as the true owner of the fund.

Be aware that as soon as these is done you will
receive the money through the paying bank incharge of
contract payment.

Please send it now so that we can start the
transaction without further delays.

Best Regards,

Mr Justice Shaish ( N.N.P.C )

---------------------------------------------------
Mr. Shaish,

My fax number is 415.268.0709, and my phone number
is a Bimmelman's Business transaction decoder (type
II) are you guys ok with GSM/GPRS lines? If not, I'll
need to give you a dolphin decoder. But I'll need
some sort of rotary code from you, either way. For now
just send it on Ahonotu 0409 Mark I (Miami) and just
tell the operator it's a "double-glazer".
Another question is more important; I don't want
to arouse suspicion, but I have two separate banks,
and I'm not sure which would be best. One is my
savings and one is my primary checking.
My bank names are:

Land Bank/UCSF Zoo Trust
Kangaroo Donor Millionaire Fund
1 Sloat Blvd
San Frantillo, CA 94112

The second is:
Stanford Community Mancestor GISM
134 University Ave
Stanford, CA 94156-0892

I can use either...just let me know (there may be a
Welsertian Block on the Land Bank account...their
minimum balance just got raised...)

Write me back ASAP,

Your friend in trust,
Jock Plenary, DVM

---------------------------------------------------
ATTN: JOCK PLENARY,

SIR,

I RECEIVED YOUR MAIL AND I WILL EXPLAIN TO YOU THE
BEST WAY TO HANDLE THIS TRANSACTION.

YOU CAN SEND YOUR DIRECT CELL PHONE NUMBER OR G.S.M
NUMBER SO THAT I CAN REACH YOU. WHEN I SPEAK WITH YOU
I WILL GIVE YOU THE CODE NUMBER FOR SECURITY REASON,
THE DOCUMENTS WILL BE SENT TO THE AHONOTU MAIMI
ADDRESS, BASED ON THE ISSUE OF YOUR BANK. I THINK ALSO
THAT WE WILL USE THE LAND BANK WHICH IS YOUR SAVINGS
ACCOUNT.

FURTHERMORE YOU CAN NOW SEND THE ACCOUNT WITH YOUR
SWIFT CODE TO US. WHEN WE RECEIVE THESE INFORMATIONS ,
THE ATTORNEY WILL OBTAIN THE PAPERS AND SEND A COPY
TO YOU AND ALSO TO THE BANK BEFORE THEY WILL CONTACT
YOU FOR PAYMENT THEREAFTER.

I WILL COMPASATE YOU WITH 30% FROM THE TOTAL AMOUNT
FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE, CALL ME ON TEL:234-1-7763224 FOR
MORE BRIEFING.

GOD BLESS YOU.

MR JUSTICE SHAISH

---------------------------------------------------
Mr. Shaish,
Where are you?! I have tried calling for two
days! I have the Swift code for Land Bank/Kangaroo
Millionaire Donor Fund (is it safe to e-mail?).
I first thought there was a thumb protector on my
phone but now I'm worried that I'm missing some sort
of Nigerian hand mask: must I dial a country code
first?
I WILL NOT BE MADE THE PONY BOY: IXNAY! If this
is a scam, I want to know about it. I'm here to help
Nigeria.


God Bless Me and You Both,
J. Plenary, CEO

P.S. Sorry if I seem irritated, but a horribleness has
befelsterred my children's academy: Phyllis the Boy
fell into a bottling machine, and I am busy, Mr.
Shaish...busy with a capital Jesus.



---------------------------------------------------
SEND YOUR NUMBERS I WANT TO CALL YOU NOW.....

SHAISH

---------------------------------------------------
Mr. Shashi,
Bravo, I like a forceful plan/Nigerian Helping
Opportunity.
I'm so nervous about this; I don't know why (my
uncle was a Colonel in the Salvation Army AND invented
a vaccine: WE ARE NOT A FAMILY TO BE TOYED WITH). But
I have all the info (Swift code, phone number, and
acct. numbers); just to be on the safe side, I'll send
code words first and then a second e-mail.

1=Hobbit
2=Bilbo
3=Dildo
4=Donkey
5=Jumbo
6=Yankee
7=Pony
8=Growler
9=Wolfbait
0=Junkie

Just match this list against the code words in my
separate e-mail. PLEASE call me today (I will be in
home until 1700 Central Railroad Time): I hunger for
completion. When this is over and your money is safe
and we are bedded down of a summer's eve, I will
remain:

Very Sincerely,
J. Plenary, Own Company Starter

Phone number: Junkie-Hobbit-Bilbo
Jumbo-Jumbo-Jumbo-Growler Jumbo-Bilbo-Donkey-Wolfbait

Swift Code: Donkey-Donkey-Hobbit Junkie-Bilbo
Pony-Yankee-Jumbo-Donkey

Bank Address:
Land Bank/UCSF Zoo Trust
Kangaroo Donor Millionaire Fund
1 Sloat Blvd
San Frantillo, CA 941125

Savings Account Number:

Donkey-Junkie-Wolfbait-Growler-Jumbo-Hippy-Dildo-Yankee-Hobbit-Pony


Does this all make sense? It should. I look forward
to your call today. PLEASE WRITE IF THERE ARE ANY
QUESTIONS.

Hold me,
Jock Plenary

---------------------------------------------------
WHAT DOYOUMEAN. ARE YOU EVER SERIOUS IN YOUR LIFE AND
THE TRANSACTION

---------------------------------------------------
You have passed the test, Mr. Shaish! Congratulations.

You need only this piece of the puzzle: HIPPY=X

I will expect the money tomorrow; you, my friend will
be the Bonobo-ficiary.


Go back to the e-mails, Mr. Shaish...the answers are
in the code: DO NOT LOSE YOUR PASSION FOR HELPING
NIGERIA.


Trust me,
Jock Plenary, Black Belt (Hon.)


I will assume that you, Mr. Justice, are never serious
in YOUR life or this transaction.

I am as serious as a lion on a beach!

CALL ME TODAY 1.415.555.6662


Jock Plenary, Ghost Rider

[jasmina]

yeah so don't anyone EVER accuse smarts of posting really short messages OK??? Or else .

[beckstra]

I got to quit my job today. That made me laugh. One of those maniacal laughs.

Mwahahahahah...!

[Smartypants]

Clickety click. (http://www.crackedvideos.com/flv/easterbunny.swf)

[random]

http://web.mouser.org/splash/images/constipated.jpg

[ambo]

Joe's Headache

Joe had suffered from an extreme headache for many years. He had seen many doctors, but none had helped. Finally, he decided to try one more, a specialist who had a great reputation for curing headaches. The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for, but he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing
store and thought, "That's what I need - a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. He walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36."
Joe laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old"
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 32. A 32 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!"

New suit = $600
New shirt = $36
New underwear = $6
Second opinion PRICELESS.

[JesusTitties]

http://i28.photobucket.com/albums/c222/MadMolly3/Advert.gif

[NimbleMarmoset]

http://static.flickr.com/48/131573619_e3d3204404_o.jpg

[ambo]

^^^
hahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

[Avalon]

The closed captioning on CNN this morning read:

"Surrey England where the diseased Elrod Hubbard..."



Spin faster L. Ron, alien freak spawner:p

[JesusTitties]

http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y251/slalomjr/VictoriasSecret-ws.jpg

[Smartypants]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized that she was lost. She lowered her
altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted out to him,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend that I would meet him
an hour ago, but I don't know where I am!"

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're 30 feet above
sea level. You're at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100
degrees 49.09 minutes west longitutde."

The woman rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Democrat."

"Yah, I am," said the man. "But how did you know?"

"Well," she answered, "everything you told me is technically correct,
but I have no idea what to do with your information and I'm still lost.
Frankly, you haven't been much help to me."

The man smirked and responded, "You must be a Republican."

"Yes, I am," the balloonist replied. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're
going, you've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air,
you've made a promise you have no idea how to keep then expect me to
solve your problem for you, and you're in exactly the same position you
were in before we met but, somehow, it's now my fault."

[Smartypants]

http://www.sfgate.com/chronicle/pictures/2006/04/21/042106-950x315-badreporter.gif