telling lies

[Marcus Bales]

Runette was a dying child until Hasselhof cured him.

[RuneT]

I love being called Runette

[Marcus Bales]

What Runet really looks like:

http://www.script-o-rama.com/blog/clooney.jpg

[craig johnston]

so anyway, you know what we think is the sky and clouds and stuff is just
a projection put up there by the government cos they don't want you to
see what's really happening above us.
actually it looks like this:

http://www.stfx.ca/academic/catholic-studies/art/bosch-last_judgement_triptych.jpg

[daverbee]

So it looks kinda like a hospital?

[Marcus Bales]

Daverbee is a disinformation agent for the government.

[craig johnston]

so the government has put all this stuff in macdonalds so when you
eat it your brain turns to mush and you just believe everything they
say and pretty soon they're gonna put it in the water so that jeb bush
will get 100% majority.

[Marcus Bales]

It's not in McDonald's, it's in beer.

[craig johnston]

in beer they put this amazing chemical that makes you say really
intelligent things that everyone within a five mile radius should hear
after you've drunk about 5 or 6 of 'em.

[Marcus Bales]

That's just you, Craig.

[Coffee]

No...I Have to believe that CJ is right on the money with his defense of beer.
But I'll keep an open mind and have 3 more beers and reread it to make sure.

[Klynne]

Craig and Marcus have won the roles of Meg and Beth in a local production of "Little Women". Who will play Jo? I thought that they would have been better off starring in the off Broadway, off Broadway version of "Cats" but they would not listen to me. I think they are divas.

[craig johnston]

yes, i am a diva. but this is the wrong thread and i'm getting pretty
peeved about people muddling up threads (especially me).
this is 'telling lies' not 'make things up about each other'.
anyway, it's true about beer, just try it and you'll see. it works even
better with spirits especially vodka in my experience.
:)

[Marcus Bales]

Craig Johnston has never tasted vodka in his life.

[craig johnston]

chelsea are in the champions league final!
:D

[Frieda]

yeah and tomorrow PSV will win

[craig johnston]

i hope so,
then we can canoodle in istanbul...
;)

[Marcus Bales]

Craig Johnston canoodles every night.

[Frieda]

psv didn't score! :eek:

[craig johnston]

Craig Johnston canoodles every night.


that's not a lie!

[Frieda]

psv didn't score AGAIN!! :eek: :eek:

[daverbee]

so the government has put all this stuff in macdonalds so when you
eat it your brain turns to mush and you just believe everything they
say and pretty soon they're gonna put it in the water so that jeb bush
will get 100% majority.

Craig, this is supposed to be the Telling Lies thread not the Telling The Truth thread.
Why am I posting this? Because I'm tired of working as a disinformation agent for the gov't. I'm freelancing in my disinformation work now.

[Frieda]

awww dammit, now milan didnt score!

[Frieda]

oh my god! psv didn't score in the last minute! :eek:

[Frieda]

i am so happy that ac milan made that one goal and that they're now in the final :rolleyes:

[craig johnston]

what a boring game!
:rolleyes:

[Frieda]

i love italian drama :rolleyes:

[craig johnston]

worry. we won't beat them in the final for ya...
:)

[Frieda]

:) no thanks, that's not comforting at all!

[Marcus Bales]

Frieda has been fired as one of the Triumvirate for her support of an inappropriate soccer team.

[Frieda]

i love typing work reports on holidays!!

[skip intro]

football is great

[Marcus Bales]

Not as great as auto racing!

[Frieda]

that is awesome! the same thing happened as last night! absolutely great!

[craig johnston]

one minute, so it isn't awesome cos the same thing didn't happen as the other night?
i'm really confused.
no, one minute, i mean, i'm really not confused...
:confused:

[Frieda]

um, i mean, the same didn't happen! and that's absolutely great!

[Marcus Bales]

Frieda can always make up her mind and stick to it. She always says just what she means. How she is admired by all the wafflers and flip-floppers.

[craig johnston]

this attribute is vital in her air traffic control work.


http://www.kprf.ru/clipart/misc/airplane_crash.jpg

[daverbee]

^^^
I piloted that plane.

[trisherina]

I AM BRYNN'S CRACK DEALER

[madasacutsnake]

I can get on with anybody.

[NimbleMarmoset]

I AM BRYNN'S CRACK DEALER
I'll be Brynn's drug counselor after the intervention takes place. ;)

[Marcus Bales]

Craig Johnston will be NimbleMarmoset's supervisor: "Er, will you come into my office, Ms Marmoset? Bring your steno pad -- I'm afraid I have rather a long one for you ..."

[NimbleMarmoset]

Craig Johnston will be NimbleMarmoset's supervisor: "Er, will you come into my office, Ms Marmoset? Bring your steno pad -- I'm afraid I have rather a long one for you ..."

oh dear. . . another one? okay, but i'm going to take disability leave soon due to carpal tunnel. . . . and TMJ.

[Marcus Bales]

Due to the grueling nature of Craig Johnston's dictation, Nimble is looking out the window of the plane headed home after Beale, the local EEOC official, approved her disability leave. The clouds below are as puffy and white as the brace around her neck, and she's just started to relax when Captain Beale announces an unscheduled maintenance stop will be required. As the plane taxiis to a stop at the terminal the flight attendant announces "Welcome to Morgantown, West Virginia".

[craig johnston]

this thread really isn't getting mixed up with the other one again
:rolleyes:

[Marcus Bales]

Yeah, and the characters aren't two places at once, either.

[NimbleMarmoset]

sorry? i had my earmuffs on (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Semantics)

[Hyakujo's Fox]

I long to drive the big rigs, making cynical comments as I barrel down the highway, with only a monkey for company.

[Marcus Bales]

Ah, what I wouldn't give to be a ditch digger with no responsibilities, and only an overseer with a whip!

[daverbee]

There was this one time when Marcus Bales and I were digging ditches in Louisiana and the road boss was real mean and I said, "Get some water, Boss?"
And he said, "Go ahead, prisoner."
But I didn't get any water, I stole his shotgun and Marcus Bales stole his bullwhip and we beat him up and escaped and they made a movie about us called I Am A Fugitive From A Chain Gang and it starred John Garfield and he played me but they wrote Marcus Bales out of the movie and he hasn't spoken to me since.
It wasn't my fault, I didn't write the screenplay.

[Marcus Bales]

Back in the day Runet and I used to play Twister by mail. He'd send a card saying "Right Hand Blue" and I'd send one saying "Left Foot Yellow", and so forth, until it got to where because we were so hungry we couldn't stay in position any more, and it got harder and harder to write out instructions without lifting a hand or foot. Finally we both died of starvation waiting for the other one to send a card that said "Lunch".

[daverbee]

:D

[craig johnston]

i like tuesdays.

[Marcus Bales]

Gosh I wish I had more rent to pay.

[craig johnston]

yes, my bank account looks really healthy.

[NimbleMarmoset]

i miss the rain.

[Frieda]

i feel so incredibly happy right now

[Marcus Bales]

I just love to clean up animal poop!

[joppa.gal]

I wish I could plan my marriage alongside my wonderful mother forever, and forever, and forever.

Invitations, and rehearsals, and dates, and rituals, are all so pleasant to plan.

I don't ever want to get married. I just want to plan to get married forever.

[skip intro]

i wish i lived in new york.

[karma_queen]

i think these biscuits are making me thinner.

[NimbleMarmoset]

zreo, i didn't know you played piano (http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=583&e=3&u=/nm/20050516/od_nm/britain_piano_dc)

it's okay, you can come home now.

[craig johnston]

that isn't an interesting story that we shouldn't make a thread about.

[daverbee]

I'm looking forward to my MRI tomorrow.

[Frieda]

I'm looking forward to my MRI tomorrow.
it is VERY VERY scary!

[NimbleMarmoset]

I'm looking forward to my MRI tomorrow.

Freida's totally wrong. . . it's worse than torture. they string you up by your bootstraps and then they. . . .

[Frieda]

i love being at work till 7 pm especially when i run the fcking desk alone for 2,5 hours and i can't go to the toilet to pee AND the farking exchange server goes down so i have to make 20 phone calls at the same fcking time. this is great!

[trisherina]

I just don't give a fvvvvvck.

[Frieda]

the football is not exciting at all!

[NimbleMarmoset]

I really prefer not making plans for long 3-day weekends . . . my small effort at living life on the edge.

[karma_queen]

desperate housewives is the worst programme in the world. it's so dull.

[craig johnston]

the sun is shining and it's very hot. everybody is dancing in the street because a national holiday has been declared for no good reason at all. that's so typical of those spontaneous germans. they're all smiling and hugging each other and the fire brigade a hosing them all down because they got over heated with the sun, excitement etc.
life's a beach here alright!

[daverbee]

It's as cold as a witches tit here...or a eunuchs dong...

[Brynn]

I found my real father. He's a Texas oil millionaire with no heirs, and he's dying of Parkinson's.
Wait. He just died. I am now so rich that I will be flying immediately to Africa to build an enormous orphanage and AIDS hospice.
I'm being met at a tiny airport in Senegal by my favorite friend from Venezuela who is currently writing a play for me to star in. We're going to get things squared away with architects and contractors in seven different countries, then fly to Monaco for the weekend before I come back home to bulldoze my house.

[venusupnorth]

I'm in love with the fact that there is a man on this message board that has a few user profiles and doesn't think that I can see through it. Also the fact that I heard through the grapevine that he's married and this is his hobby going online and flirting with women as a single man? And ofcourse he never makes the same spelling mistakes with each different profile he's using at the moment, LOL

[NimbleMarmoset]

Outdoor Cinema on the Pont Neuf with movies projected onto the Seine. Tickets include foot passage over the bridge. Clement weather only, April through October. Viewing times dependent upon sunset and smoothness of the river. Well known for continuous screenings of Orpheaus. Bring your own chair.

The Pont Neuf cinema became an historical edifice when one night's screening slipped away from the projector and started to flow gently down the Seine. The audience, without hesitation, leapt up and ran along the embankment so as not to miss a moment of the movie's journey downriver.

http://www.mix97fm.com/ParisTrip/MPM09-03.jpg
A pillow on our visible bed. The fish looks into the dream, the pillow turns into a miniature air mattress and floats down the Seine, with a doll as passenger. It just so happens the Pont Neuf cinema is showing a midnight series, and the doll floats into one of the movies ad finds what she's looking for: a stolen watch in Les Enfants du Paradis.

[Brynn]

I'd be lying if i said "i wish this were real" on the telling lies thread.

[NimbleMarmoset]

I'd be lying if i said "i wish this were real" on the telling lies thread.

I just cannot stand to hear about Paris. . . city of nightmares :eek:

[12"razormix]

I'm in love with the fact that there is a man on this message board that has a few user profiles and doesn't think that I can see through it. Also the fact that I heard through the grapevine that he's married and this is his hobby going online and flirting with women as a single man? And ofcourse he never makes the same spelling mistakes with each different profile he's using at the moment, LOL
:eek: this man is really a WOMAN, known also as the werewoman of oslo -- she roams the dusty streets of denmark by day and eats gnomes and pistachio pudding by night. contrary to what people may think, she is as dumb as a treestump and her looks make grown men weep! she is the only polygamist werewoman listed in the coors book of records and brags about it incessantly. it has been suggested to stone, tar and feather her -- polygamist, multi-personality, sex maniac, puppetmaster werewoman -- but no one has been brave enough to come forward yet.

[zero]

I AM NOT GAY EITHER

[12"razormix]

http://www.cabn.org/archives/2002/pics/buttons/13.jpg

OOOPS! :eek: wrong picture... ;)



http://www.elltel.net/peacejustice/_borders/a_phelps_4.gif
there!

[zero]

:(

[venusupnorth]

Who's the Woman, Who's the Man?
He's a Woman, She's a Man :eek:

[12"razormix]

twinkle, twinkle, little star
how I wonder what you are
then the traveler in the dark
thanks you for your tiny spark
he could not see which way to go
if you did not twinkle so

[venusupnorth]

http://homepage.mac.com/rishey/.Pictures/mj110304.jpg

"The bloating caused by swallowing the Hubris Pill can be quite painful... "
-Madge Weinstein

[zero]

this morning in the cafe i was in the line and i was counting my pennies and then the lady asked me what i wanted and i said 2.25 i mean bacon sandwich and then at the cashiers desk woman i handed her my fork - be my husband

lol

[venusupnorth]

Ég elska homma, guð elskar homma og ég elska guð. En guð hvað Þú ert ljótur sem kona!

[12"razormix]

Þekkir ðu guð?

[venusupnorth]

Já auðvitað! Hva Þekkir Þú ekki guð? Guð er bestur og elskar alla sÉrstaklega Þig
:D

http://www.allfunpix.com/humor/pics4/jesus_loves.jpg (http://www.allfunpix.com/humor/pics4/jesus_loves.jpg)

[trisherina]

Mixoraz, it's not nice to lie about pudding. :(

[Hyakujo's Fox]

But it is nice to lie about in pudding.

[Hyakujo's Fox]

I may have peaked too early with that one.

[12"razormix]

was that a lie? :confused: :)

[12"razormix]

Mixoraz, it's not nice to lie about pudding. :(
i KNOW -- i am so ashamed ...... :o

[venusupnorth]

http://www.kare11.com/assetpool/images/05411174636_jello-pudding-recall-250.jpg

:)

[craig johnston]

terrible thread, didn't make me smile once.

btw i love the fact that i have to leave my job due to the boss being a bitch from hell. oh yes, that's really rocking my world right now.
:rolleyes:

[zero]

... leave my job...

cj - your discotastic tunes are bangin' alright but


have i not told you before - DON'T QUIT YOUR DAYJOB

[craig johnston]

so you think i should (n't)?

:confused:

[venusupnorth]

http://writingcompany.blogs.com/this_isnt_writing_its_typ/images/become_a_nurse.jpg

[craig johnston]

so you think i should (n't) become a nurse?

:confused:

[venusupnorth]

Considering your lack of talent it's the only option right now!

[trisherina]

I DECIDED TO QUIT MY DAYJOB AND AS SOON AS I MENTIONED IT PEOPLE FLOCKED AROUND FROM YEARS GONE BY TO BEG ME TO STAY AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT I HAD BEEN NAMED REGIONAL MANAGER AND EVERYONE WAS HAPPY AND FULFILLED

[zero]

^ I WAS THERE - I WAS THE ONE THAT SHUOTED HOORAY FOR TRISH THE MOST TIMES


THAT, AND I WROTE YOUR ACCEPTANCE SPEECH AND PLAYED PIANO AT THE MUSICAL SOIREE AFTERWRADS AND WON THE STARPRIZE

[trisherina]

TRUE YOU DID A LOVELY JOB OF THAT CHOPIN ETUDE BUT IT WAS HARD TO HEAR WHAT WITH CEEJAY PLAYING A SPECIAL POLYPHONIC SET IN THE FOYER TO GREET THE DOZENS AND DOZENS OF INVITED GUESTS BUT STILL HIS BEATS WERE NICE

[zero]

PHAT

BTW - I'M THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GRIL IN THE WORLD :)

BUT EVERYONE'S INTIMITADED BY ME :(

[craig johnston]

ok philosophy experts:

this sentence is not true.

:confused:


ps forget the nurse thing i'm gonna take over from kofi at the u.n.

[venusupnorth]

You would do a better job then him, anything is better than your current job!
P.S. What are you working as? :o

[craig johnston]

i programme computers to break down two days after the warranty expires.
it's a tough and lonely job, but someone's gotta do it.

[venusupnorth]

http://dailyrevolution.org/allgood/990320.gif
Stick to Nursing Craig!

[craig johnston]

it doesn't mater cos i just turned into a fish.
i can't type any more but i sent this message
via thought waves.
cool huh?

http://www.swan.ac.uk/empress/images/xbass.jpg

hi! ;)

[NimbleMarmoset]

Stephen Hawking is not handicapped whatsoever, he is just really lazy.

[venusupnorth]

Craig keeps sending me really strange thought messages, he thinks he is a fish now??? That's fishy, ha ha ha

[NimbleMarmoset]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v208/bevelheadgrl/ParisPoodle.bmp
Paris' answer to Heartbreak Hotel, although on slow nights it takes in maladroits and others with regrets. Solace comes in many forms, including musical, and wailing is not only tolerated but encouraged. Handkerchiefs are handed out with room keys, but this is partly to advertise the petit dejeuner at Cafe Mouchoir in la cave below. Budding romances among the recently bereaved and jilted are definately not on the menu. If that's the sort of thing you're looking for, you'd be better off at Hotel Jsasin or the Olala. Becaus of its euphoric/erotic properties, chocolates is strictly forbidden in the rooms.

The guest registry is the most heavily booked in Paris. In fact, many nouvelles and novels have begun on its pages, and the mangement relized tout de suite that they had to keep several registries going, as guests like to take them to bed, where they write their hearts out. Special pens with waterproof ink are provided, in the likely event of tears. A scandale arose in the '60s when Cafe Mouchoir was caught scraping dried tears off the china and selling them to the caterer deluxe Hediard as a rarefied condikent for which magcoromantic claims were made. Rehydrated and bottled in lachrymals copied from those in the Louvre's Egyptian collection, the bootlegged tears went for 1,000 F per milligram and were the secret ingredient that threw the Guide Michelin's restaurant ratings into disarray for several years. Uh, huh.

[venusupnorth]

LOL

[craig johnston]

http://www.swan.ac.uk/empress/images/xbass.jpg

well, it's not so bad being a fish. pretty much like being a human really. lots of pointless swimming around in circles avoiding bigger fish and trying to get something decent to eat. haven't worked out the sex thing yet. apparently i have to just squirt my sperm over some eggs somewhere. not as much fun as nibbling nipples and stuff, but a lot simpler than all that hanging out in bars trying to chat up chicks.
uh oh, here come the barracudas!
:eek:

[daverbee]

http://www.keyshistory.org/fish-great-barracuda.jpg

Craig, nooooooooooo!!!!! :eek:
Oh, my god, the humanity!...the fishity!...whatever...*sob*

[Brynn]

Mother Theresa was only chasing her fifteen minutes of fame.

[craig johnston]

^^^^
that's true
:confused:

[Brynn]

What a tart.

[trisherina]

Brynn is the next Roger Ebert, only she'll be hailed as an order of magnitude better.

[craig johnston]

so, life here inside the barracuda isn't as bad as you might expect.
they've got roller-skates and rock lobsters and it's a great big party!
:)

[NimbleMarmoset]

something bealessaidabout him in speedos (?!?!?!?) and then i stumbled over (http://www.zefrank.com/bulletin/showthread.php?t=7274&page=1&pp=30) this thread. i'm going to the therapy thread now.

[venusupnorth]

something bealessaidabout him in speedos (?!?!?!?) and then i stumbled over (http://www.zefrank.com/bulletin/showthread.php?t=7274&page=1&pp=30) this thread. i'm going to the therapy thread now.

LOL I knew it is what I suspected all along Nimble, thanks for pointing that out to me. It has justified many stories and ideas I've heard lately.

P.S. My dad's a shrink we could get a therapy discount for all the ZeMonkeys?

[venusupnorth]

I'm going now to make up a new character so I can build up enough confidence to mess with people and tell them to F#*k off on here and copy and paste dumb links to pictures I find on Google :rolleyes:

[daverbee]

So, like, there was this one time, OK??? Me and my friend were like, "Dude, whatta you wanna do?" And I was like, "I dunno, Dude, whatta you wanna do?"
And he was like, "I dunno, whatta you wanna do?"
And I said, "Hey, like, lets build a Time Machine and, like, go forward in time and I'll be, like, 55 years old and stuff, OK???"
And he was like, "Cool! Lets go for it, Dude!"
So we did and, like, here I am, OK?????

[NimbleMarmoset]

International pop mega-star Madonna is indeed a Material Girl, since she is made entirely out of lycra.

[Gatsby]

Katie Holmes has not been brainwashed by Tom Cruise; she truly lurvs him.

[Brynn]

I once flushed a pound of bacon down a lecherous employer's toilet during a mandatory employee Christmas party at his house.
I also took an egg, pricked out a little hole, and hid it under his porch so in a couple of weeks he could start searching for "that really funky smell."
Then I was ashamed of myself and felt badly, and started confessing that I really did that to someone on a message board, where thousands eventually saw it and thought to themselves, "Hmmm. Not a bad idea."

[daverbee]

Once again, Brynn, this is the Telling Lies thread. Keep that in mind in the future...

[~*WickedAngel*~]

I once had a job as a strongman at the circus. One day before the show I was chatting with Mr Bernado, the lion tamer, and I asked him how he was able to stick his head into the lions' mouths without being bitten. He seemed puzzled for a while and mumbled that he couldn't say. That very night, Gopaja, the old lioness, took his life.


I had an affair with Mr. Bernado and recieved everything in his will.

[craig johnston]

so anyway, the barracuda did this big burp and we were all expelled out into the sea again and then we floated to the top and i was picked up by a seabird, i think it was a sea eagle or something, i didn't really have a chance to ask, and i'm not sure of the correct etiquette in such situations. then we were over the land and the bird accidentally let me drop and i landed on the earth and turned back into a human and then i caught a bus home and here i am.
that's all true!

[zero]

^exemplary lie-telling there craigieboy

[craig johnston]

you didn't like it?

:confused:

well, it wasn't true anyway.
actually, some aliens came and swooshed down in their flying teacup
and picked up that barracuda and took it to saturn for testing and
when they cut it open we all jumped out and said 'boo!' and the aliens
were really impressed so they made me, like, king of the aliens and now
i get to fly around the universe in my own spaceship while being pleasured
by alien mermaids.
it's really cool.
:)

[daverbee]

^^^
You are our King Liar, Craig!

[craig johnston]

sorry for the lack of updates.
this 'king of the aliens' job isn't always as glamourous as it may seem.
you should see the paperwork!
:eek:

anyway, i've just discovered this huge lake of intergalactic space juice
on alpha centuraii. great stuff, i can only recommend its healing powers
(and no hangover!). i'm doing a deal with nimbo where she gets rights to
market it on planet earth. she will become very rich and influential and
people will treat her with mucho respect, added to which she will be able to
take the occasional nip herself.
here's to business success for nimble marmoset!
any ideas for ad slogans would be most gratefully recieved.
uh oh, my mermaids call, what? another night of intersellar sex?!
oh well, duty calls.......
:)

[jasmina]

I sat next to KT Tunstall at a wedding on Saturday, in Jevington.

She was lovely.
She was wearing a sparkly blue dress.

[Marcus Bales]

BULL

“I thought you said that bull was shy,”
My uncle said as he and I
Stopped walking out in mid-July
And leaned on his neighbor’s fence.
“He was,” the neighbor said. “Ain’t now;
Not so’s you’d notice, anyhow.”
And its appetite for a brindle cow
Seemed, like the bull, immense.

My uncle asked him,“What’d you do?”
The neighbor paused a decade or two,
Then, “Wrote to Agricultural U,”
We watched the bull perform.
At last, my uncle: “What’d they say?”
“Asked for a sample.” I thought the way
These two were going it’d take all day
To agree July was warm.

“They sent some serum. I gave him a shot.”
He finally said. “You see what I got.”
We watched the scene the serum wrought
Like bovine sex were new.
The bull seemed willing to give his all,
To young or old, to short or tall,
Their udders big, mid-size, or small,
An indiscriminate view.

I fidgeted, thought I'd be dead
Of boredom before my uncle said
“What was in it?” and shook his head
And gave my arm a shake
Because while hot and under-awed
I’d found an anthill to maraud
And restlessly had kicked a clod
Just to see it break.

He answered before the thought of sweat
And how it splashed on dust could get
Its grip on me, to my regret.
“Well, I don’t rightly know.”
We watched the scene the serum caused
Through air the heat had lightly gauzed,
And waited. And waited. He spat, and paused,
Then, "Tasted like licorice, though.”

[trisherina]

I sat next to KT Tunstall at a wedding on Saturday, in Jevington.

She was lovely.
She was wearing a sparkly blue dress.
Did you have an irrepressible urge to turn to her and say, "Whoo hooo..."?? :D

[Zaftig]

^^She was at some wedding where a big black horse was getting married to some lady. Very exclusive wedding.

[jasmina]

Did you have an irrepressible urge to turn to her and say, "Whoo hooo..."?? :D
No but I did sing very loudly
"yoo--oooo--oo-ooooooooooooou're on the other side
Of the table,
to meeeeeeeeeeee"

[trisherina]

^^ patchy social skills






:p

[jasmina]

yes but she's Scottish anyway, so unlikely to notice!

[craig johnston]

i know who kt turnstile is.

[rmr]

i'm so hungry i could eat a horse

[LeahDear]

http://www3.tky.3web.ne.jp/~edjacob/basashi.gif

horsemeat sashimi

[rmr]

^^ you're not telling the truth!!!

[craig johnston]

rmr is really my mum.

[rmr]

^^^ i've missed you - you hot bitch you!!!

[craig johnston]

aaw mum! stop embarrassing me!

:o

[zero]

as recently as yesterday i was doing a spot of extreme divinghttp://pumas.jpl.nasa.gov/morepix/diver.gif just to keep my hand in and i happened upon a great big treasure chesthttp://pc1.lc.ncu.edu.tw/images/images/ani_pic/treasure%20box.gif right at the very bottom of the deep blue sea it was a hard job but eventually i got it on my back and thats when i got attacked by barracudashttp://examples.componentscience.net/barracuda/Images/Barracuda_Logo.gif but that's another story anyway when i took it to monsieur la potato the treasure expert today he said "sacre bleu zero i'll do you a swap for mon chateau en france avec les beacoup de bedrooms et aussi avec une en-suite minibar dans each one" ok deal i said so i'm going there tonight in a http://www.destination-nz.com/images/listings/inline.68.jpghot air balloon if the wind's right yes i'll probably end staying the weekendhttp://www.kionic.com/forums/images/smilies/wave.gif

[zero]

i forgot to mention - i've joined the manic street preachers

[zero]

and before you ask the answer is keyboards

[craig johnston]

zero is my dad.

[zero]

took it to monsieur la potato the treasure expert



http://www.meijer-potato.com/images/rassen/ladyolympia.gif

^voici monsieur la potato pour quelquechose de vous avec un interest

[magdalen]

http://www.peerweb.org/forums/images/smilies/icon67.gif

< > (http://www.cs.utk.edu/~ffowler/javahtml/potato/Potato.html)

[diane]

I'm incapable of lying...no really

[karma_queen]

i'm terrible at lying. i try, but i usually giggle and blush whilst telling them :o

[craig johnston]

karma queen is an expert liar. she tells whopping fibs while keeping up a charming demeanor that tricks even the most suspecting interlocutor.
her skills are so legendary that the cia even wanted to use her abilities in it's undercover operations. she has been the uk's champon liar for three years running and will be representing britain at the lying olympics next year.

[magdalen]

You see I've been through the desert on a horse with no name
It felt good to be out of the rain
In the desert you can remember your name
'Cause there ain't no one for to give you no pain
La Laaaa La laluhlala La la laaa la

[12"razormix]

i want to be a cowboy

[jasmina]

I want to be the son of a monkey's uncle

[craig johnston]

like zero you mean?

[Max Headroom]

craig johnson is my hero

[craig johnston]

no no no max, you're supposed to be telling lies

:rolleyes:

[rmr]

i'm up totally early. i feel refreshed and ready to workout. nothing like leg kicks in the morning. i love being healthy and fit!!!!!!!

[Odbe]

I love you.

[Odbe]

Triple post.

[brightpearl]

I lead a duck on a leash with me wherever I went for an entire year.

He used to nip at my ankles if I didn't get him his martini at precisely 5 o'clock.

I had to carry nori duck treats in my purse.

[Odbe]

I find that tabasco sauce works wonders for pacifying cranky ducks.

[Stephi_B]

Love Mondays, simply adore them, feel always so motivated on Mondays.

In reality I am a dude.

[Hyakujo's Fox]

interesting fact about a duck is, if you can get a hold of it cleanly by the bill and hold on tightly, then the duck can actually ‘drop’ the bill, just like some small lizards can drop their tails in order to escape the clutches of a predator, but that’s not the end of the story by any means, you might think that then the duck would have to go through a very difficult period of growing back an entirely new bill, but in fact evolution has come up with a most ingenious solution to this problem, and the bill actually grows back the duck.

[craig johnston]

some may ask what becomes of the beakless ducks.
the answer is they transform themselves into politicians.

[Stephi_B]

That means politicians are not made from gene-lab scrap?

Mm, anyways, the world isn't run by them, or the CIA, or the oil firms, no it's run by them lil worms driving around in apple-mobiles:
http://burningideas.com/applecar/pics/apple_car/Lowly_Worm_side.jpg

[zero]

at lunchtime today i personally saw quentin tarantinoes swerve his car & caravan into a man on a bicycle then drive over a bollard nearly knocking over two little old ladies so at the lights i went right up to him and gave him a piece of my mind but then we got talking and soon became friends and he's offered me a part in his latest film get biscuits vol.1

[brightpearl]

I'm allergic to nylon. I have to order special toothbrushes from the Arabian Peninsula, made of siwak branches, or my tongue turns orange and develops odd blue fuzzlet lesions. If I walk across the carpet without 100% cotton socks on, the soles of my feet swell up, and I have to wear open-toed shoes for a week.

This explains my unreasonable attachment to flip-flops.

[brightpearl]

I think the Muppets are way overrated.

And I don't like pie.

[Jack Flanders]

I love driving long distances (11 hours) in the rain 'specially when I drive through the same storm front three times thinking I've gotten ahead of the M.F.er. :) ... and Marcus, the worst was about 11 am yesterday 8/9 just to the west of Cleveland. I was driving on I-80 and thought I was going to die and the weird thing is that I remembered that you lived near there. (Mixed thread toasting?)

[brightpearl]

I once rode across the Pacific Ocean on a Bactrian camel, with only a single dryer sheet for warmth. I subsisted on nothing but cranberry-caramel PowerBars and the occasional prairie dog.

I met Thor Heyerdahl somewhere around the Malaysian Everglades. He said to tell you hi.

Unfortunately, I lost the only copy of the memoir I penned about it during a violent Guamanian snowstorm. The camel almost drowned, too.

[craig johnston]

macrus blaes wants to murder jack because she's so
good at gardening and he is a weed.
so he conjures up storm fronts by rubbing a balloon
on his polyester trousers.

[lukkucairi]

my wet and muddy dog smells of roses and candy floss.

[craig johnston]

^^^
is a famous finnish-bahamian folk song. the most famous recording of which was made by pakku höökmaleiinninnennnn and his burmuda shorts (the band were all under 5foot 6inches tall). featuring a 7 minute nose flute solo and pakku's trademark horse impression, the record reached #57 in the new zealand charts on may 12th 1964.

[Brynn]

You meant to say that holding a newspaper up to the camera.

[Marcus Bales]

I love driving long distances (11 hours) in the rain 'specially when I drive through the same storm front three times thinking I've gotten ahead of the M.F.er. :) ... and Marcus, the worst was about 11 am yesterday 8/9 just to the west of Cleveland. I was driving on I-80 and thought I was going to die and the weird thing is that I remembered that you lived near there.

I saw Jack's car on I-80 as I was coming back from an appointment in Toledo for a giant new art glass billboard I got the commission for and followed her car for nearly 30 miles to see if I was going to get a call or email saying Jack was in town and then at about the 29th mile my eyes were so filled with tears and my heart with pain that I could barely see the I-77 exit to go home, but I managed to get past both semis and the slow RV to cut in front of some guy in a yellow Viper.

And so to bed.

[Jaime]

I am alert and overjoyed.

[Hyakujo's Fox]

Back in the old days there was a Arabian prince who was very fond of his thoroughbred horses and one day as he looked out from the palace he saw a fine horse lying dead in the street. He exclaimed to the heavens "How can this be so, that such a fine animal should die like this?". His adviser standing by told him that the peasants did not care for their horses and made them work seven days a week without any rest. "Henceforth," the prince proclaimed " every horse in the kingdom must be given one day of rest every week so that such an outrageous sight may never be seen again! Instead only camels may be worked or ridden on that day!" His adviser asked when this day of exclusive camel use should be instituted, and the prince grandly replied "I dunno, make it Wednesday". Hence we have the modern expression "hump day".

[trisherina]

I did remember to buy milk. It's just that the annual early morning neighbourhood Block Party was on -- oh you've never been? Guess you don't get up early enough then, it's a blast, every year, really good weather for it this year eh? Not like year before last when it was pouring. Anyway they were out of milk for pancakes, the Kwans made them right there on their drive, I'm surprised it didn't wake you up. They were really good, I had blueberries in mine, but it used the milk right up there were so many people. Michaela said to say hi. Want some toast though?

[lukkucairi]

I know how they get the pears inside these bottles:

http://graphics8.nytimes.com/images/2007/08/14/dining/15pour190.2.jpg

[Jack Flanders]

I saw Jack's car on I-80 as I was coming back from an appointment in Toledo for a giant new art glass billboard I got the commission for and followed her car for nearly 30 miles to see if I was going to get a call or email saying Jack was in town and then at about the 29th mile my eyes were so filled with tears and my heart with pain that I could barely see the I-77 exit to go home, but I managed to get past both semis and the slow RV to cut in front of some guy in a yellow Viper.

That's weird - I remember cutting him off, too, earlier!!! I hate Vipers. Basturd!!

[Marcus Bales]

Well that goes some waytoward explaining why the yellow Viper guy followed me off the exit and caught up with me at a light and blew his obnoxious horn that sounded like a semi-tractor's horn and when I looked over was pointing a big handgun at me. Only because I drive a stick shift car and was so surprised that I popped the clutch did I keep from being popped myself. As it was, his shot busted out my left rear window. Fortunately, though, as he took off after me through the red light, popping the clutch in a beat-up four-baner like mine stalls the engine, and though it moved me out of hte way of his bullet, it left me stalled but not in the cross-street. Pop the clutch on a Viper, though, and you're a couple hundred yards down the street before you realize it -- which was not so good for the Viper guy, who was t-boned by an Escalade while he was still contorting his face at me and shouting "Assho....". Well, when I say t-boned, of course, I mean "run over from the side" since for an Escalade going 50 a Viper is pretty much the size of something you just gun the engine to roll the back wheels over. As the Escalade was dealing with that, though, it left an opening in traffic, and I turned right on red into the newly opened lane, and drove away, so I don't know how it all came out, though I thought I heard a couple more gunshots.

[Jack Flanders]

Well that goes some waytoward explaining why the yellow Viper guy followed me off the exit and caught up with me at a light and blew his obnoxious horn that sounded like a semi-tractor's horn and when I looked over was pointing a big handgun at me. Only because I drive a stick shift car and was so surprised that I popped the clutch did I keep from being popped myself. As it was, his shot busted out my left rear window. Fortunately, though, as he took off after me through the red light, popping the clutch in a beat-up four-baner like mine stalls the engine, and though it moved me out of hte way of his bullet, it left me stalled but not in the cross-street. Pop the clutch on a Viper, though, and you're a couple hundred yards down the street before you realize it -- which was not so good for the Viper guy, who was t-boned by an Escalade while he was still contorting his face at me and shouting "Assho....". Well, when I say t-boned, of course, I mean "run over from the side" since for an Escalade going 50 a Viper is pretty much the size of something you just gun the engine to roll the back wheels over. As the Escalade was dealing with that, though, it left an opening in traffic, and I turned right on red into the newly opened lane, and drove away, so I don't know how it all came out, though I thought I heard a couple more gunshots.

Sorry about that!! A big hug for you that you escaped the evil Viper driver. :)

[auntie aubrey]

several years ago visited a friend who was living in L.A. at the time. we went out, did a few parties, hit a few hotspots. you know, the kind of thing everyone thinks they're supposed to do when they visit L.A. it was mostly uneventful and boring with one exception. my second-to-last night in town was one of those party nights that took us from house to club to house to club to restaurant to club to warehouse to god-knows-where. we were party hopping every half hour and sometime around 3 a.m. we found ourselves at a rather intimate gathering in the private upstairs room over a formerly trendy club that had only recently gone passé. my friend and i were pretty lit at that point and much of my memory of that portion of the night's events is a haze. but i do remember sharing a table with eddie murphy, who was there with a few friends and his brother charlie. the conversation was jovial, eddie was just funny as you would expect. we were mostly just pissing around and cutting up, and as i said much of my memory is a blur. i do remember one specific moment in the conversation, though, when i leaned over to eddie and told him, "you know what's always funny? you know what people can't get enough of? a man in a fat woman suit." i remember eddie leaned back in his chair and regarded me with a rare moment of quiet contemplation. he then laughed in that famous horsey way and changed the subject.

the rest, as they say, is history.

[brightpearl]

I once constructed a fully functional 1:20 scale cold fusion reactor consisting entirely of circus peanuts and the wire spirals from discarded school notebooks. I still use it to power the chandelier in the hamster's cage.

The time it blew a fuse, poor little Chiclet had to eat his foie gras and millet by regular old candlelight. I fashioned a new fuse out of a lemon "Skittle" I found under the fridge, but he was already onto the dessert course by that time.

He didn't speak to me for weeks.

[brightpearl]

(^I have no memory of writing that. :) )

Did I ever tell you all about the time I was doing a little remodeling and found one of Al Capone's fingers in the crawlspace? It was folded up in a Wrigley's Doublemint wrapper and tied with a long lock of some auburn-haired beauty's ringlets. Most of the flesh had rotted away, but I could tell it was Al's because I remembered the nail polish he was wearing on the night he lost it. It was our first night in Detroit, and he was carefree with his belongings in those days. We thought it would be perfectly safe left on the western veranda while we shot skeet.

Alas.

[YsaPur EsChomuw]

Ever since I set my eyes on the moon at the age of two and a half I wanted it.

I used to dream about the moon, the ever changing one, the waning, the waxing... but I wanted it most when it was full. Full of mysterious holes, sometimes surrounded with a faint halo. I devised various plans how to obtain it.

When I was at my grandma, I watched cows with longing, expectant eyes, to catch their tail if they suddenly decided to jump over the moon again.
But they never jumped. They just lifted their tail and lazily let out a steaming, yellow stream of piss.

But one warm summer night, when it was a full moon and I couldn't sleep, overcome with the desire for the moon again, I wandered into the garden and caught sight of grampa's ladder, leaning against the plum tree. I started to climb the ladder, rung by rung, just to get closer to my beloved moon.

To my surprise, I found grampa in the way. He behaved oddly, as if caught red-handed doing something illicit.

But he wasn't! He was doing something wonderful: he was polishing the stars. His ladder was long enough and could be extended even more, at will. He taught me to polish stars and - because I was doing a good job - gave me a small star as a gift. I was very happy and put the star in the pocket of my teddy that I brought with me to keep me company in the cold universe.

It was the next day that I stole the moon. In the afternoon I made a papier-mâché moon from the newspapers grampa used for kindling to make fire in the oven. I waited till dusk, when grampa was still sitting on the bench near the gate and exchanged a few sentences with each passer-by. I knew I shouldn't steal the moon, but I couldn't help it. I tiptoed quickly to the garden, climbed to the very top of the ladder and was just able to reach the moon. I quickly snatched it from the sky and exchanged with the papier-mâché one.

Then I hurried back to the house, climbed into my bed, my heart beat so fast... I couldn't sleep. I was hugging the moon tightly, never wanting to let go of it. In the morning I hid it under my bed.

Grampa was looking at me suspiciously. I put on my most innocent, sweet smile and pretended to be busy with my breakfast.

'Papier-mâché moons don't work, you know. No tide, no ebb, no waxing, no waning... the birds will lose their way when flying at night, animals will lose their fertility - the night sky mourns its precious queen.'

That's why I had to give back my beloved moon, but I will remain unhappy for the rest of my life.

[Marcus Bales]

So there I was, with the okapi and the two giraffes, at Neverland, tying Michael Jackson to a straight-backed chair with the regimental tie, when I noticed something significant: no Ysapur. Where had she gone?

[Stephi_B]

I messaged her to come round to my steppe... er... street, instead.
Because, having not had yet as many drinks intus needed to activate my babel fish,
I had problems understanding the Ural-Altaic riders I met at the waterhole... er... bar
there where the paths cross the fourth time if you walk from the hole of the steelworms
towards the rising sun.
They spoke a tongue using many ö's and ü's and complex series of consonants,
more ö's and ü's and complex series of consonants as the tongue I speak when not amongst my tribe
(who don't know about ö's and ü's and make the rare consonants sound soft)
or foreign tribes with whom I speak in the language of angels.
Ysa arrived soon, having ridden the steelbird and steelworm,
she puzzled out the ö's and ü's and complex series of consonants for me.
Then I understood it, the riders had just passed on to me the oldest of all secrets....

[Marcus Bales]

I'll never forget the first time a woman demonstrated ö's and ü's. I'd never felt anything like it.

[Brynn]

In the hard labor of laying down a flagstone path in my back yard, I was finally able to bury the hatchet under some stones.

[lukkucairi]

I'm not in love with you :p

[Hyakujo's Fox]

it's great to be back

[Marcus Bales]

Hi, I'm from the federal government, and I'm here to help you folks out.

[Bman]

Plenty of fish in the sea.

[lukkucairi]

one moody bitch plus one more moody bitch doesn't equal doubleplusmoodybitchiness :p

[YsaPur EsChomuw]

... and there was this man who was a taxi driver by night and a taxidermist during the day and he would continue working with* his customers after taking them on a ride... He acquired quite a collection of interesting travellers.


*well, on, actually

[lukkucairi]

I'm weak and easily broken

[clubsamwich]

My great grandfather coined the phrase "pardon my french"

[trisherina]

Today in the 50's-style ice cream shoppe I ran into Huey Lewis, all tanned and clefty with a crumpled khaki Tilley hat on. He was having a steaming cup of coffee in a thick brown mug. I caught his eye.

"Hey, Huey Lewis! Sometimes Bad is Bad and all that!!" I juked and shuffled like a small child who needs to go to the bathroom, then dug in my shoulder bag and produced a small felt pen. I snagged a napkin from the Coca-Cola-themed holder. "Would you sign?"

"Sure." He uncapped the pen and bent over his red formica table.

"I used to really have a thing for you," I blurted. "I even dated a guy for a while who looked a lot like you. Didn't marry him, though." I frowned slightly.

Mr. Lewis smiled as he handed back the napkin and the pen. "Story of my life."

It wasn't until I was out in the parking lot that I noticed he had signed an exact copy of my colloquial signature, the one that looks like 'ZisL.'