Letters that get me through the day.

[red]

Dear Dragging Summer Day,
You are no longer beautiful. You are hot, humid and sticky…and not in a good way. I want to go to yoga. Hurry the fvck up and be over.
~you know who I am

[red]

Dear Impossible Time Frame,
Well once again you screwed me out of yoga. Thanks so much for giving me one day to turn around that project. Jerk.
Stiffly,
red

[ambo]

Originally posted by Red Princess
Dear God,
don't really like how you have arranged some things, fix them please. you are omnipotent so you know what i mean.
thanks, RP

yeah, and i don't want to hear any excuses, your all powerfulness

[Frieda]

dear dinz,

tulips die right after spring. i had nothing to do with that, nor with dickie's tulip. :D

love,
frieda

[Frieda]

dear mom and dad,

thanks for not killing me. i'm glad you like the two new flower pots.

love,
frieda

[agentsmith]

dear jthm directors cut-
please arrive at pooky's house soon. if you dont he will burst into tears.
-rachael

[agentsmith]

its okay dearie! do you want me to beat some postal asses?

[rmr]

Dear Agent,

Please post something really vile and tasteless so that I may have a laugh.

Yours,

Rim

[agentsmith]

sure!

ahem hem hem....

MARILYN MANSON GOES DOOR TO DOOR TRYING TO SHOCK PEOPLE

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Stung by flagging album sales and Eminem's supplanting him as Middle America's worst nightmare, shock rocker Marilyn Manson has embarked on a door-to-door tour of suburbia in a desperate, last-ditch effort to shock and offend average Americans.



Above: Manson knocks on a door in Grosse Pointe Farms, MI.
Accompanied by bandmates Twiggy Ramirez, Madonna Wayne Gacy, and Zim Zum, Manson kicked off his 50-city "Boo" tour Jan. 26 in Overland Park, a conservative, middle-class suburb of Kansas City.

"When we first laid eyes on Overland Park, with its neat little frame houses, immaculately landscaped lawns, and SUVs in the driveways, we couldn't wait to swoop down on it like the Black Death," said Manson, born Brian Warner in Canton, OH. "We were like, 'Welcome to our nightmare, you bloated, pustulent pigs.'"

Last Friday at 4 p.m., Mark Wesley, 46, a resident of Overland Park's exclusive Maple Bluff subdivision, heard the sound of "animal-like shrieking" coming from the vicinity of his front lawn. Upon opening his front door, he was greeted by the sight of a pale and shirtless Manson carving a pentagram into his chest with a razor blade.

"Look at me, suburban dung," Manson told Wesley. "Does this shock you?"

When Wesley replied no, he said Manson became "petulant." Recalled Wesley: "He started stamping his feet and shaking his fists, saying, 'What do you mean no? Aren't your uptight, puritanical sensibilities offended? Don't you want to censor me so you don't have to confront the ugly truth I represent?' So I say, 'Well, not particularly.' Then, after a long pause, he says, 'Well, screw you, jerk!' and walks off sulking."

That evening, Linda Schmidt was preparing to drive her daughter Alyssa to a Girl Scouts meeting when she found Manson standing on her porch draped in sheep entrails.

"I knew who he was, but I was kind of busy and didn't really have time to chat," Schmidt said. "He just kept standing there staring at me, expecting me to react in some way."

Added Schmidt: "I tried to be nice and humor him a little. I said, 'Yesiree, that sure is some shocking satanic imagery, no doubt about it. And that one eye with no color in the pupil, very disturbing. I'd sure like to suppress that.' I mean, what do you say to Marilyn Manson?"

A deflated Manson remained on Schmidt's porch as she and Alyssa drove off.

Subsequent attempts to provoke outrage were met with equal indifference.

"[Manson] was standing at my front door wearing those fake breasts he wore on the cover of Mechanical Animals," retiree Judith Hahn said. "He said, 'My name is Marilyn Manson, and I'm here to tear your little world apart.' I thought he was collecting for the Kiwanis food drive, so I gave him some cans of pumpkin-pie filling."

Undaunted, Manson and his entourage stepped up their assault on mainstream American sensibilities. On Tuesday, they arrived in the tiny Detroit suburb of Grosse Pointe Farms, where stockbroker Glenn Binford answered his doorbell to find Manson hanging upside-down on a wooden cross as Ramirez performed fellatio on him.


Above: A dejected Marilyn Manson ponders his next move.
"I just stood there thinking, now there's a boy who tries way too hard," Binford said. "I mean, come on: Homoerotic sacrilege went out in the late '90s."

Other provocative acts by Manson—including dismembering a chicken, bathing in pig's blood, and wearing a three-piece suit of human noses—failed to arouse anyone's ire, instead prompting comments such as "sophomoric," "trite," and "so Alice Cooper."

Manson's lone brush with controversy occurred in Edina, MN, a suburb of Minneapolis. An unidentified neighborhood-watch volunteer phoned police after seeing a nude, feces-smeared Manson being led around on a leash by a dwarf dominatrix. Officers arrived on the scene, but let Manson go with a warning for parading without a city permit.

"I could have given him a citation, but I figured, how much harm is he really causing?" Edina Police Officer Dan Herberger said. "I mean, he's just Marilyn Manson, for the love of Mike."

The "Boo" tour was dealt a further blow when Manson learned that Eminem's The Marshall Mathers LP had been banned from all Kmart stores. Manson's current album, Holy Wood (In The Shadow Of The Valley Of Death), is still available.

"Why are all you people outraged by Eminem? He's not scary!" Manson said. "He doesn't sport ghoulishly pale skin or wear gender-bending make-up. He's just some regular guy. I'm the one who people should be terrified by, not him! Me!"

"If you ban me," Manson continued, "I promise to rail against censorship and hypocrisy. Please? Pretty, pretty please?"

By Monday, the tour appeared to have lost all momentum. Sources close to Manson described him as "exhausted and discouraged," despite not having even completed the first leg of the three-month tour. By the time he arrived in Hoffman Estates, IL, Manson had resorted to leaving flaming bags of dog feces on doorsteps and shining a flashlight under his chin to make himself look "spooky." He was ultimately chased from a Hoffman Estates subdivision by a group of bicycle-riding teenagers who advised him to "get [his] chalk-white goblin ass" out of their neighborhood.

On Friday, Manson is slated to appear in Bethesda, MD, where many believe he will bring his tour to a premature end.

"Have you people forgotten already?" Manson told The Washington Post. "You all thought I was responsible for Columbine two years ago. Well, I was! I was! I know I vehemently denied it at the time, but, really, I personally told those two kids to shoot up the school. I'm serious. I sent them an e-mail. And I told them to worship Satan, too. You hear that, kids? Marilyn Manson says you should shoot your friends in the head with a gun! And everyone should eat babies! And rape their dead grandparents! And poop on a church! There, now will someone please be offended?"http://graphics.theonion.com/pics_3703/marilyn_manson.gif http://graphics.theonion.com/pics_3703/manson_jump.gif

[agentsmith]

PEOPLE DONT LIKE IT WHEN YOU CALL THEM STUPID

Boy, you try to help people out, but sometimes they can just be so sensitive. Especially over a little thing like being called stupid.

The other day, I was depositing my paycheck at the bank, and the teller asked me, "Do you want this in checking?" Now, that's a pretty stupid question, seeing as I had closed out my savings account a month before and now only have a checking account. I couldn't believe her stupidity.

But, you know, I try to be tolerant and helpful when dealing with people who aren't all that swift. So, to give her a clue, I said, "Yeah, put it all in checking, stupid." No big speech, no insulting dissection of her dumb question. I just politely answered her and tacked on a little "hint."

Well, Little Miss Genius practically stared daggers at me! What was her problem? I mean, all I did was call her stupid. And it's not like it's even necessarily her fault she's that way. Her mother might have drank too much when she was carrying her or something. All I was doing was pointing out that there's a problem with her intelligence.

A similar thing happened at Pepe's a couple of weeks ago. I ordered the Beef Enchirito Deluxe Platter, and the waiter brought me a Chicken Enchirito. So, naturally, when he put it down in front of me, I gently said, "I'm sorry, but I ordered the Beef Enchirito, stupid."

The guy takes the plate back, and as he's leaving, he shoots me a nasty look. Geez, like I'm the dumbass who doesn't know a chicken from a cow! Strike two.

But even so, I try to be nice. Next time he comes to the table, I try explaining to him as nicely as possible why he's stupid. I even talk extra slow to make sure he follows me. But does he appreciate my efforts to better him? Of course not! He tells me, "I have a lot of other tables to serve, sir," and walks off. Yeah, that would be a real tragedy, not getting waited on by this Einstein, right?

That was his third strike. As a general rule, I drop my tip to 10 percent after the first stupid move, 5 percent after the second, and on your third, you lose the whole bundle. I guess a fourth mistake means the waiter would have to tip me, but I'll never find out, because I don't give people a chance to do a fourth stupid thing. I was out of there and off to a smart restaurant.

Frankly, I don't know why I even bother trying to help these people: Every time I do, they get all huffy and defensive.

It's like the silly brouhaha that erupted when a cop pulled me over last week. It was almost 10 p.m., and I was racing to get to the Builder's Square across town before they closed so I could get the wood screws I needed for my basement shelving project. Out of nowhere, Smokey swoops down on me, apparently preferring that I get to the store after it closes.

The first sign of trouble from this state-supported moron comes when he asks, "Do you know how fast you were going, sir?" Boy, did I ever! Ninety-three! So I say to him, "I've got a question for you, officer: If you've got a radar gun right there in your cop car, why do you have to ask? What are you, stupid?"

Next thing I know, I'm in court. I end up in front of a judge, and I think to myself, "Finally! A sensible pillar of the community who'll respond to reason!"

Well, guess what Judge Chucklehead has the gall to ask? "How do you wish to plead to the charges, Mr. Turpin?" Ye gods, was I in the Twilight Zone? What kind of question is that? I was dying to say to him, "Yeah, I think I'll plead guilty to first-degree trying to finish my shelves! May I see my loved ones one more time before you shoot me?"

But I held back, because I try to show respect to people in positions of authority, even if they don't deserve it. So, instead of responding in a condescending manner, I answered plainly, "How do I wish to plead? What do you think, stupid?"

I don't even want to get into what happened next, but suffice it to say my faith in our justice system was shaken to its core.

[Frieda]

dear mom,

if i kindly ask you NOT to turn on the washing machine while i am in the shower, because i won't have warm water when it's on, why did you have to turn it on anyway? please, i don't ask it for nothing. thanks..

love,
frieda


dear dad,

would you please stop putting the bread back into the fridge late at night? that's the bread i put out on purpose, to take to work with me. and also, please do not move my shoes around in the house. thanks..

love,
frieda

[chuckie egg]

Agent Smith thats the funniest thing I've read in ages!!! YOMANK

He really is a prick!

[rmr]

Originally posted by chuckie egg
Agent Smith thats the funniest thing I've read in ages!!! YOMANK

He really is a prick!


I second that........and thanks!!!!

[AllegroNg]

Dearest Rhoda,
Whatching you sleep is the most serene thing. I could not imagine anything more peaceful.

[red]

Dear Onion,
Thank you for all the great articles. (http://www.theonion.com/onion3703/marilyn_mason.html)
ROFL,
red

[trisherina]

The Onion compilations make great Christmas gifts...

[agentsmith]

i have the onion book thats where i got the stories.

[sixfinger]

Dear Life,

I get it.

I get the smooth beauty of Ayla's breath. I get the heave of my heart when she nurses; patient, tender and complete. I get the soft blush on my face when she kisses me, all slobbery. I get her pleasure and I get her agony. I get a blast of pure sun each time she smiles when seeing my face. Her elegance is divine. I awake with her heaven against me.

I get the haunting similarities of Kieran's father to my son. I get his soulful brown eyes; loving every inch of me, indeed. I get my babe-a-lish, I get love, glee and a gorgeous boy, not yet three. Every time he tells me he loves me; I kneel in my heart and hope to remember the moment – the day, the reason, the lingering effect. I get his anger, and I accept his sadness. I cradle him as a mewing sheep, caressing his brow and blowing cerulean calmness into his sighing body. I get his hurt, and I get his compassion.

I get their fathers misery. His reality is readily his. His despair has no daily effect on me. I am indeed brilliant thing. I am unbound.

My children, my gifts, my precious portrayers of me… will grow and nurture strength, humanity and freedom. These are days of impermanence. These are days of life, ceaselessly.

Thank you, life; I get it. I am free.

Me

[yodeling_booyah]

Dear Fate,
Please don't let me down. I've missed him for four years. Moving to his state could either be the best thing or the worst thing that has ever happened to me. He still loves me, I could see it in his eyes. I can't bear to never see him again. This time maybe we could compromise?
Holding my breath,
Red

[zenbabe]

Dear Honesty,

I don't know where you went, but please come back.

- unknowing

[rmr]

Dear Liver,

Please be brave just one more night.....I promise after that I'll be good to you.

Love,

R

[Frieda]

Originally posted by sixfinger
Dear Life,

I get it.

I get the smooth beauty of Ayla's breath. I get the heave of my heart when she nurses; patient, tender and complete. I get the soft blush on my face when she kisses me, all slobbery. I get her pleasure and I get her agony. I get a blast of pure sun each time she smiles when seeing my face. Her elegance is divine. I awake with her heaven against me.

I get the haunting similarities of Kieran's father to my son. I get his soulful brown eyes; loving every inch of me, indeed. I get my babe-a-lish, I get love, glee and a gorgeous boy, not yet three. Every time he tells me he loves me; I kneel in my heart and hope to remember the moment – the day, the reason, the lingering effect. I get his anger, and I accept his sadness. I cradle him as a mewing sheep, caressing his brow and blowing cerulean calmness into his sighing body. I get his hurt, and I get his compassion.

I get their fathers misery. His reality is readily his. His despair has no daily effect on me. I am indeed brilliant thing. I am unbound.

My children, my gifts, my precious portrayers of me… will grow and nurture strength, humanity and freedom. These are days of impermanence. These are days of life, ceaselessly.

Thank you, life; I get it. I am free.

Me
dear SF,

not many people get to open their eyes for the world. it's a gift, you have the earth in your bones. trust it.

love,
frieda

[noxxville]

Dear Friend,

Why don't you exist?

Confused,

Noxx

[ambo]

dear dark time,
please pass and let the light in again
sincerely,
ambo

[red]

Dear kitchen,
Please clean yourself.
wearily,
red

[agentsmith]

Originally posted by moel
Dear Rachael,
Will you please kick some postal ass?
-moel

dear moel-
i would love to. ill get right on it.
thanks for the lovely promise ring.
-rachael

[bealeblues]

dear liquored up skank at pool league last night,

yes, we are all there to have a good time. yes, we all drink while we play pool. however, the trick is knowing when to say when. true enough, it was very entertaining for us all to watch you actually play worse than i ever could, so that part gives me hope, but when you put out an open invitation for anyone, and i mean ANYONE, to take you home last night, that was just too much. we honestly tried not to laugh at you, but we do have our limits. i don't know who the "lucky guy" was that did take you home last night, but do him a favor and let him some of your frequent-penicillin-points so he can get rid of that burning sensation that he must be experiencing this morning-- of course after he projectile vomits when he wakes up next to you....

[zenbabe]

Dear Sunrise ~

I had no intention of meeting you here this morning, but have none the less. I am supposed to be at work in 1.5 hours but have already made said necesarry calls, since I have been up since yesterday morning and faltered plans of said breaking in'rs...I will blame freaked out adrenoline for my absense...I should go to bed....I did not take any mind altering drugs other than the yummys that look like any other dried out herb in your garden..so I don't want to hear it..okaay!

~zen

[Frieda]

dear face,

please stop producing all these pimples. i have a birthday to go to tonight, ya know. thanks! :)

love,
frieda

[agentsmith]

dear frieda's face-

my pimple hex on frieda seems to be working. keep up the good work!

-rachael

[red]

Dear Bill,
You have the potential to screw up my Fourth of Julie weekend. Hurry up and fade away.
Travelin'
red

[bealeblues]

dear bill:

and you already screwed up my 4th by blowing right past baton rouge-- now the aunt and uncle ARE coming after all. thanks for getting my hopes up, you fvcking bastard....

-B

[Frieda]

dear agent,

you'll get it all back one day.. trust me.

love,
frieda

[malina]

dear calendar,

FVCK YOU!

[bealeblues]

dear bill:

please retract my earlier blasting of you. the aunt and uncle are not coming after all. feel free to blast the north with your rains to give them a taste of a good old fashioned southern tropical depression.....

[Frieda]

dear hip,

please do not dislocate again. it hurts!

love,
frieda

[priceyfatprude]

Dear God,

Why on your green earth is Kathie Lee Gifford doing a Broadway show called Hurricane Aimee? Why couldn't it have been Hurricane AMY???

Yours,

Aimee

[moel]

Dear God,

Why on your green earth is Kathie Lee Gifford?
-moel

[agentsmith]

Dear heat-

stop being so hot.

im sweating too much.

-rachael

[red]

Dear Internet,
Please entertain me.
Bored out of my mind,
red

[priceyfatprude]

Dear Mother of mine who I love so much & that dork you married,

Thank you so much for going to "look" at the puppy back in August 1995. He has brought me a lifetime of happiness just by being himself.

Love,

your puddle-of-mush daughter

[Frieda]

dear self,

you've GOT to get your wisdom tooth removed. you just HAVE TO! it's been 3 years since the dentist told you to get rid of it! now DO IT GODDAMMIT! MAKE THE APPOINTMENT AT THE HOSPITAL!

love,
me

[red]

Dear Internet,
Thank you. (http://www.thesun.co.uk//article/0,,2-2003310256,00.html)
ROFL,
red

[dickieC]

Very funny

So that's why all those ladies are so keen to see the film...

[red]

It looks like a green bean!

[dickieC]

Haricots verts, anyone?

[Frieda]

You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry

lol! well maybe if he's angry, that bean gets bigger too?

[priceyfatprude]

nah

[red]

Dear Japan,
Please be kind to her and give her lots of money so she can eat. I'll even stop making fun of your tv shows.
Best,
red

[chuckie egg]

Originally posted by red
Dear Internet,
Thank you. (http://www.thesun.co.uk//article/0,,2-2003310256,00.html)
ROFL,
red

Dear Red,

How did you manage to stumble across The Sun website?!?!

Chuckie

[malina]

dear ƒvcking air conditioner,

please ƒvcking stop ƒvcking relieving yourself on my once beautiful livingƒvckingroom floor

ƒvck!
malina

[Frieda]

dear birds in my neighborhood,

please stop shitting on my car's windshield wipers. thanks.

love,
frieda

[dinzdale]

Originally posted by malina
please ƒvcking stop ƒvcking relieving yourself on my once beautiful livingƒvckingroom floor
It's telling you to do some damn housework...

[malina]

Originally posted by dinzdale
It's telling you to do some damn housework...

the words are falling on deaf ears..

http://www.theblacks.net/images/housewife.gif

[dinzdale]

Dear Malina,
we miss the vacuum cleaner coming by.

signed
The dust bunnies

[red]

Dear Chuckie,
I visit this site (http://www.fark.com) all the time. There are Sun stories a lot!
picking self up off the floor,
red

[chuckie egg]

Haha, why doesn't that surprise me?! lol

[priceyfatprude]

Dear Kozy Shack,

I think I love you.

http://www.kozyshack.com/products/images/smraisin.jpg

Yours,

Aimee

[agentsmith]

kozy shack?


*crawls away from computer screen in fright*

[priceyfatprude]

Dear agent:

I love you, too.


*smooches*

-me

[priceyfatprude]

Dear God,

Thank you. *smooch*

Love,

me

[sixfinger]

Dear Wendys (RIP Dave),

Please bring back the Chicken Cesaer Pita.

I miss you.

Me

[Frieda]

dear mosquitos,

go suck blood somewhere else. 12 in one night is more than enough. thanks.

frieda

[AllegroNg]

Dear Customers,
I don't like you that much.

[AllegroNg]

Dear Ze,
Thank you so very much for seeing us while we were in NYC. I know it was weird to have all of these minions following you, but it was the funniest thing. I hope you live a long time.
Heart,
Me and 4 other girls and one very nice husband

[priceyfatprude]

Dear Ben Affleck,

You won your Oscar for writing, darling. Get back to it.

Love,

me

[priceyfatprude]

Dear Maybelline:

What the hell are you putting in your pressed powder that gives me a zit 3 hours after application?

Hatefully Yours,

me

[dinzdale]

Dear Ms Pricey-Fatprude

You seem to have picked up a jar of our new "teenage acne" developer for the pre-teens to appear older. The zits will disappear with puberty.

Rgds
May Belleen. (Mrs)

[Frieda]

dear bottom lock on my door,

please please open tonight. i want to get into my house!

thank you!

frieda

[Hermione]

dear world,

why must there be an eight hour time difference from CA to London?

regretfully yours,
surbs

[AllegroNg]

Dear guy in SUV,
Sorry I cut you off. I'm glad you have breaks.



Dear customers,
Please stop asking soo many questions and sign the damned thing.


Dear kid,
The clarinet is *not* a baseball bat.

[priceyfatprude]

Dear Self,

Stop eating potatoes. You know damn well they give you a big bad tummyache.

Dear FOX,

I hope you haven't cancelled Oliver Beene. If so, I will be angry. And you wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

[Hermione]

dear arm,

I hate you.. ever since you contracted that rash and became itchy you have given me nothing but grief. now you have scars from that stupid rash. I hate you, die. no okay.. i'm sorry.. i didn't mean that..

very truly yours, surbs

[Frieda]

dear ribs,

heal, dammit!

love,
frieda

[priceyfatprude]

Dear Amazon.com,

You are cordially invited to LICK ME WHERE I PEE. I think $500 in my acct is more than enough to cover my $80 order. Don't think I don't realize you just f*cked me over on shipping charges & also don't think I'm NOT going to call you & scream tomorrow when your customer service department is open. :mad: :mad: :mad:

[Frieda]

dear ribs,

please at least don't hurt so bad if i read funny things and laugh out loud:

Originally posted by priceyfatprude
Dear Amazon.com,

You are cordially invited to LICK ME WHERE I PEE. I think $500 in my acct is more than enough to cover my $80 order. Don't think I don't realize you just f*cked me over on shipping charges & also don't think I'm NOT going to call you & scream tomorrow when your customer service department is open. :mad: :mad: :mad:

[AllegroNg]

Dearest ants,
Sorry I had to vacuum y'all. You'll go to a better (darker) place now.

[Hermione]

Dear A/P Government/Politics class,

Why must you be so hard? Your tests are impossible. I hate you. Only 173 days of school left.

Love always me

[malina]

dear world,

i love you

a.

[rapscalious rob]

Dear dad:

There is no need for you to talk so loud on the phone. I can hear your voice from the reciever five feet away. Just try to relax. I love you.

Love,
Me.


Dear dishes:

Why are you always dirty? Why do I spend my weekend evenings washing you? Try practicing good hygiene, dammit, I’m ƒu€king sick of it!

Sincerely,
Your best friend and worst enemy.

Dear 209.126.178.53:

Thanks for giving me a place to virtually hang out with these cool, funny people.

Yours,
Rapscalious Rob the llama pirate.

[sixfinger]

Dear Masayo-San (my new nanny),

Thank you for sincerly loving my kids.

love mama



Dear bank,

Please approve my business loan.

Sincerley, officially, in all need:

me.


Dear spelling part of my brain,

Where are you? We've never met, please contact me at your earliest convenience.

Sara

[priceyfatprude]

Dear Rob,

Paper plates, man. Paper plates.

Love,

me


Dear Dad,

When you're in a city 15 minutes away from here the least you could do is call me to see if you could come visit. I may be available. I may not be. But it'd be nice to be asked.

Just sayin'

-me

[rapscalious rob]

Dear Pizza Restaurant:

I know they cost more, but will you at least consider paper plates? And how about a different method of storing dough? And maybe serve the lasagna in styrofoam containers? And hey, city-- why don’t you make stricter requirements for the posting of address numbers?
Nevermind, I understand…

Resigned,
Roberto.

Dear Blackjack Davy the Midnight Fury:

I love you, kitty cat. What was it like to be abandoned as a kitten? What do you think of us? What do you see?
I like that you trust me so completely. I trust you, too. Don’t worry, you’re safe here.

Love,
The tall skinny one

Dear Studio Office:

Why are you so messy? I need to send a quote right away, but I can’t find the damn contact information anywhere! argh.

P.S.
Hey, Scanner: could you at least pretend to be agreeable sometimes?

Mildly affectionate, morose and disdainful,
Rob

[Frieda]

dear boss,

sorry, but i'm going to be an hour late again today. get over it.

frieda

[RuneT]

Dear boss

I need air to work. I'm going home.

Best wishes
RuneT

[Audreyvgs]

Dear Dad

Im glad you weren't alive to see 9-11, but you sure would have loved to have seen your grandson, he's just like you, stubborn as an ox, clever and cute.

Love, aud


__________________
sorry, feeling a bit sentimental today.

[RuneT]

And he likes to see pigeons get hit by ka’s evil twin. ;)

[Audreyvgs]

freakin loved it, had to play it 12x, late for school. laughed his head off.

me too.

what's JOJ?

[dinzdale]

Norwegian for LOL

[nycwriters]

Dear New York,

Stand tall and heal. I love you.

I think no matter where I find myself in the world in my life, I will always return to you on this day.

We've been through too much together for me not to.

Love,

Me

[Frieda]

dear boss,

sorry to hear you were fired this morning.

frieda


(yeesssssss! :D)

[malina]

JOJ

are you back online at work frieda?

[Frieda]

no.. i'm wasting my time with internet games now.. ha!
i'll ask someone next week.

[Hermione]

Originally posted by nycwriters
Dear surbhi,

My first degree was in politics. If you ever need any help, let me know.

Love,

Me.

Dear NYC,

awww thank you so much. I love you oodles and oodles.

love alway, me

[priceyfatprude]

Dear San Diego Zoo Polar Bear,

You are one boring-ass f*ck. I am now watching some random dude on the polarcam walk up, look into your empty swimmin' pool, shrug and walk away. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

[priceyfatprude]

Dear San Diego Zoo Baby Panda,

You are just the cutest thing that I ever did see! Your mommy better watch you closely, or I will come bearnap you!

You look so cute waking up from your nap.

[Hermione]

Dear K (my best friend),

I miss you so much. Life isn't the same without you. I regret not telling you how much I appreciated you.. and now you life in another country. I miss you..

love always surbs

[priceyfatprude]

Dear polar bears,

I am sorry I called you boring-ass f*cks. Now you are swimmin;, all cute-like. Want to come swim in Lake Michigan?

[bealeblues]

dear canada,

take back your fvcking celine dion. enough is enough. stop sending us crappy music-- we have plenty enough of our own crap music without adding your toilet water to the mix.

[rapscalious rob]

Dear Canada,

Thank you so much for bringing us Moosehead beer. It’s a fine beer.

[bealeblues]

dear canada:

the only thing i'll keep from you is labatt blue. you can take back the rest. oh yeah, and quit pissing off those loveable little south park kids.

:D

[rapscalious rob]

:D

[Frieda]

dear period,

thank you for showing up today. please don't ever be late again!

thanks!

frieda

[bealeblues]

sounds like there's a story there....

[bealeblues]

dear canada:

sounds like a bargain. deal!

beale

:p

[Hermione]

Dear Statistics test,

You were wayyy too hard. I hate you. I hope next week you are a bit easier..

Very truly yours,
surbhiii

[Audreyvgs]

Dear Isabel,

Thankyou Thankyou Thankyou for not coming here. I had so much crap laying around in the yard that I didn't want to have to pick up, beside the fact that all the animals would of had to blow away this time, and I didnt like nailing boards on all the windows then having to live like that, altho I did buy a generator, I don't know what I would have generated, the AC or the fridge. And also I didnt want to go outside and figure out what to do with all the hanging plants and all the orchids. The living room is small enough with 2 people in it, much less everthing i couldnt stuff into the garage. THanks again.

[bealeblues]

dear LSU:

please try to make a decent showing tomorrow against the georgia puppies. i have to listen to enough georgia smack as it is.

dear vols:

yes, it's florida. how about showing up for a game against them for a change?

dear espn gameday crew:

enjoy tiger stadium. don't be alarmed that, when your show starts off at 9:30, there will already be thousands of drunk fans on campus. we'll be starting tonight, as is tradition....

[malina]

dear beales

please change your signature ( you're not a dick! )
:D

your other secretary

[Audreyvgs]

Malina, who is patrick and was he deriding your art? Yours is as disturbing as Beale's! Was he mean to you? Sounds like it!

[malina]

this (http://www.zefrank.com/tommy/index.html) is patrick!

and beales is a peach!! ;)

[Hermione]

Dear universities I am applying to,

I am a really good student I promise. My SAT scores are average, but I make up for them in other ways. I love learning and I am very dedicated. Please accept me. I promise I'll work hard.

love me

[Audreyvgs]

OOOOH! I get it! Well, ze got him, didn't he! I'd seen that, but it didn't connect. Maybe its cause I spend so much time workin at this computer, i fully expect somebody to say that to me! I got defensive for you.
Well, cool, Patrick's the dick!

(Beale is a peach.)

[rapscalious rob]

Dear universe:
Why don’t you ever make sense?
imploringly, speck.


Dear kittycat:
You’re still my favorite.
Playfully, me.


Dear Rob’s mind:
Quit that! I mean it! Things do change, and if you wish, that change can be for the better. Haven’t we walked this path a million times before? Where did it lead you?
Vitally, your future self.


Dear stepmom:
I understand. More than you know.
Empathetically, “the favorite.”


Dear other posters:
This is an interesting little world, isn’t it? I may be a jackass sometimes, but I still think you folks are pretty cool.
Genially, the llama pirate.

[rmr]

Dear Co-worker,

It's ok to take the day off.....i promise.

Warmest Regards,

MS. RMR

[Hermione]

dear school,

please ease up a bit. I'm really tired of studying.
thanks, surb

[rapscalious rob]

Dear business: I think my longstanding faith in you has been ill-advised. This phone book project has all the trappings of a disaster. If it were up to me, you would’ve died ten years ago.
-Malevalently,
Rob speaking who’s calling please.

[malina]

dear morning,

gah!

sincerely,
a.

[RuneT]

Dear Rune

Grab life

love,
Rune

[priceyfatprude]

Dear Atari's

You suck. I only like one song on your CD. I'd not only like my $14 back, but a public apology as well.

-me

[priceyfatprude]

Dear Reese's DARK CHOCOLATE Peanut Butter Cups,

You are da mo'fockin' BOMB! I Love You! I'd marry you, but alas, I already ate you.

Love,

me

[Frieda]

dear mom,

yes, i do want to go to paris with you, but i don't have any money!

love,
frieda

[bealeblues]

dear frieda,

well i would pay for you to go to paris with me, but you killed my plants.

love,

mom

[priceyfatprude]

hahahahahahahaha

[Audreyvgs]

Dear FlabbyGums,

Here's what syntax is:

Quote: ProfessionalGun
listen up!

The form above relates not only to rhyme (where all the "A" lines rhyme with each other, and both the "B" lines rhyme with each other), but to rhythm as well. This means WATCH YOUR SYLLABLES. If you've ever listened to music in your life, then this shouldn't be too difficult. The "A" lines MUST have 3 beats. Here's a little test. . .

Which of the following "A" lines is correct?

a) This one.
b) I like to go fishing.
c) Hickory dickory dock.
d) I like to be careless and ruin limericks with GREAT POTENTIAL!

So what did you choose? Did you choose "b"? Well congratulations! You're wrong. While "b" can arguably be divided into 3 beats, two different ways (with emphasis on "like", "go", and "ing" - or - "I", "to", and "fish") it's inappropriate because. . . . ?

. . . It lacks FLOW!

If it sounds awkward- IT'S WRONG! Sooooo- that said, the right answer is "c". "Hickory dickory dock" is a brilliant concoction of consonance and meter- the first words providing forward motion and the last setting a definite finish point for the line. THREE sure-fire beats that you'd have to fight human nature in order to read incorrectly!

THAT- is what the limericks in this post will glorify! METER! BEAUTIFUL RHYTHMIC ACCURACY! ! ! . . . (and please don't forget rhyme!).


So the "A" lines have 3 beats. The "B" lines have 2. If you remember that- then MY DREAM WILL COME TRUE.

________________________________


And so will everyone else's, Love, Audrey

AABBA

[Frieda]

Originally posted by bealeblues
dear frieda,

well i would pay for you to go to paris with me, but you killed my plants.

love,

mom

hey! that was ages ago and i replaced all of them!

[bealeblues]

dear frieda,

some wounds never heal. the medication is working nicely, though.

love,

mom

[Frieda]

dear beale,

will you pay for my trip to paris?

frieda

[priceyfatprude]

Dear Annual Fall Allergy/Sinus Cold Thingy,

You are welcome to leave @ any time. You've made your focking point. I sound like Patty & Selma. Grrrrrrrrrrrr.

Hatefully Yours,

me

[smellyrayzin]

dear terrorists,

go eat bleach and die.

**siouxsie**

[rapscalious rob]

Dear Californians:
Please don’t make a decision that you will later regret. Thanks.
-Me.


Dear Time:
Could ya slow down a little, please? There just ain’t enough of ya.
-Me.

[~*WickedAngel*~]

Dear Guy Down the Hall

We would greatly appreciate it if you would NOT streak down the hall again. The pimples on your bum make our stomachs churn as well as blind us. Also we would appreciate it if you would not scream our names or knock on our door as you do this. We find it highly embarassing, and disgusting that you even know our names. We would also like that you not call our phone and leave messages saying that you are naked and "touching yourself." We are very offended by that and wish that you would stop calling and give our phone number back. Let us know who gave you our number so we can rip their nuts off and use them as target practice for our archery classes. Thank you.

love your dorm mates from #17,

Tiffany & Kayla

[priceyfatprude]

Dear Mario Batale,

I want to marry you.

Love,

PFP

[fodder]

dear eliot cowan,

thank you for writing plant spirit medicine and guiding moel along the trials and tribulations which make up his spiritual, scintillating life

thanks:rolleyes:

[fodder]

:rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

over plants? you better stop

[fodder]

http://www.oxfam.org.uk/coolplanet/ontheline/explore/nature/rainforest/images/plants.jpg

[moel]

been there, done that.

[Audreyvgs]

Dear Everybody
I think theres a full moon virus going round. I was rude to Slurp, I issued an apology on the limerick thread. It's too early for cabin fever, whasssssup?
Love aud

[fodder]

word to your mother

[priceyfatprude]

Dear Audrey,

Why were you mean to Slurp?

-PFP

[Audreyvgs]

Dear California,

Dont you ever EVER make fun of Florida elections again!

[priceyfatprude]

Dear Annoying Coworker Pest,

No, I dont know when reports is coming back up.

Yes, I do know you can't get into it. I can't get in either, and that is the bulk of my job.

No, I didn't know you don't need what you're asking for until Halloween, but thanks for sharing.

Love,

me

PS, if you approach me about this again today, you're going to have a high heeled pump between two soft pillows.

[priceyfatprude]

Dear Frieda,

Please do not kill us.

Love,

Your new plants

[Frieda]

dear lovely plant,

don't worry, i won't kill you! :)

love,
frieda

[Red Princess]

dear florida,
come and have a nice relaxing drive on one of the LA freeways.

kisses, california

[Audreyvgs]

Dear Sunny Californtzeneggers,
Florida gave up driving for sport when it left Chicago. Chicago would rather play dodge-ball with old farts. Love, aud

[Red Princess]

dear florida.
if only floridians WOULD give up driving....or at least make people take the driving test in person instead of by mail.
PS. the governator says come on over here and say that!

xxxxooooxx, california

[chuckie egg]

Dear California,

You will now spell your name CALYFORNYAH.

God bless

The Governator

[dickieC]

Did you see him yesterday introdoosing the Presidunt of the Unided Sdades?

[RuneT]

dot meik fun of peopl that cant spell!

[Audreyvgs]

Talk louder Rune, I can't hear your Norwegian accent from here!

[~*WickedAngel*~]

Dear Officer Who Arrested the Guy Down the Hall,

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WE LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE OUR NEW HERO!!!!!!!

Love,

Tiffany and Kayla
Stagmaier Hall, #17

[Hermione]

Dear Weather,

You were really nice today. I like you. Please stay the same all week.

*kisses
surbs

[rapscalious rob]

Dear Loni,

You are so heartbreakingly beautiful. I love your smile.

Love,

R.

[funkytuba]

Dear people that throw trash into our bushes,

Stop it. I mean it. I realize we are just the right walking distance from the 7-Eleven that you've finished whatever your piggy selves just bought and need a place to throw the remaining container.

I even put a trash can in our bushes so you could use that. But no, you decided to steal the trash can for your own unknown purposes.

If I catch you throwing your crap in our bushes, I'll follow you home with the effluent from our littermaid and smear it into your pillow.

Hoping you have severe and possibly life-threatening cat allergies,

--FT

[priceyfatprude]

Dear big ol bowl of angel hair,

i am sorry i ate you. you made my tummy hurt.

-me

[lapietra]

Dear local weather,

Why? Why, oh why?
Why did you have to fake me out with a couple of lovely brisk days, only to slam the city with 90 and 100-degree temperatures??? Don't know know that it's time for me to wear all my wonderful (to me) sweaters, and wear my hair down all the time, and start walking regularly again ('cos I hate walking when it's warm... blecchh) and breathe sweet crisp air and smell woodfires. It's the only real season we get here beside hot hot hot summer... and you had to go and ruin it 'cos a few psychos here like to sweat year-round. tchuh.

STOP IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Give me my damn AUTUMN!!!!!!!

Sincerely,

Lala

[priceyfatprude]

Dear Mom &Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 Sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Chad in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Don got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was uring the fire so he probably didn't hear him.

Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. David is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Don gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Don said that with a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Don is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Don wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Don isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a Tourniquet works. Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Don said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy Vaseline. Don't worry about anything we are fine.

Love, Timothy

[funkytuba]

Dear self,

No, you don't need another cup of coffee. Just get to work!

--FT

[dinzdale]

Dear achy brain and upset tummy.
I promise not to drink more than is necessary toinght, and in return I would ask that you appear bright and refreshed tomorrow. If you do, we will have fun at others' expense.
I promise.

Thank you for your help in this matter
D.Dale (esq)

[bealeblues]

dear dale's head and stomach,

yes, please be in top shape tomorrow so dale can resume his normal duties. it's rather grimey here filling in for him, so i need a good shower and scrubbing.

thanks for your cooperation,

beale

[dinzdale]

Dear Santa,
please check your list twice. Some farkers deserve to be struck off. Especially Beale.

Dinz


ps I will have the usual waiting by the fireplace for you. A bigger pair this year? or the 46 EEE like last time?

[rmr]

dear self,

please stop eating.....a bacon egg and cheese sandwich, hashbrowns, a cupcake, some pretzels and five cups of coffee is just too much to eat before 11 am.

Get it together.

Concerned about your arse,

me

[dinzdale]

Dear Rimmer,
I surrender


signed
Rimmer's arse

[SuperCaliFragil]

dear priceyfatprude,

your letter from timothy made me laugh so hard I spit lunch stuff on my keyboard...and my tummy hurts now.

thanks.
Me.

[SuperCaliFragil]

Dear rmr's arse,

I'm not sure If I am built to withstand the gravitational forces that would be involved, but If you would just ride me once in a while you could eat as much as you want.

love,
that exercise bike you keep passing in the store window.

[malina]

dear office,

please go away. i hate you.

sincerely,
a.

[bealeblues]

dear deliveranceland,

yes, i'll be there by thursday night. do try to tidy up a bit before i get there, and make sure you have plenty of comet on hand so i can scrub it all off before i come back to La.....

thanks,

beale

[dinzdale]

Dear Malina,
Your office will soon disappear along with your paycheck if you dont do some work and take that silly grin off your face. We all know you are talking to morons from around the world via ze-mail.
And it's your turn to make the coffee.


Love
Malina's Co-workers here at Assorted Stuff Ltd.

[malina]

dear morons from around the world,

i love you.

sincerely,
a.

[Audreyvgs]

Dear Dinz,

Thanks for taking the undies off your head and for shaving.

[priceyfatprude]

Dear SuperCaliFragil,

I am sorry for making you laugh so hard your tummy hurt. I hope you're feeling better.

Love,

PFP



Dear Malina,

I love you, dahling.

Love,

Moron#9

[bealeblues]

dear malina,


much love from bayoumoron

[malina]

http://www.guter-hirte-elmshorn.de/kinder/graphics/happy-girl.gif <-- happy!

[lapietra]

dear malina -

i love you almost most of all... except I think that moron over there might love you a little more...

hollywood moron

[AllegroNg]

Dearest Perky Pat
You start some of the coolest threads! Thank you!
Heart,
Ng

[malina]

http://www.yumpop.com/AAAyumpop/YPtees/funpop/veryhappy/cloudveryhappy.gif


dear lala
i love you too..
smooch
a.

[rmr]

Originally posted by SuperCaliFragil
Dear rmr's arse,

I'm not sure If I am built to withstand the gravitational forces that would be involved, but If you would just ride me once in a while you could eat as much as you want.

love,
that exercise bike you keep passing in the store window.

Dear exercise bike,

Can't you understand that you and I just don't get along? I mean I'm sure you're nice and all, but you put such a crimp (sp?) in my lifestyle.

I will find another way to shrink my arse. Thank you for trying though.

Love,

Rims

[rmr]

Dear c:

Please don't be mad. Sometimes i'm just an ass......i can be an ass and still love you.....

yours,

me

[lapietra]

Dear future breakfast partner,

I sure wish you'd be around tomorrow when I get up after drinking half this bottle of good red wine. I mean, it's all very well & good I'm getting all this single life experience (after all, it's mostly by choice anyway - and with all the free time I've had I've learned how to cook and sing and write music and type really fast and create web pages and raise kittens and play the guitar and piano badly and other relatively useful stuff) but it's about time for it to come to a close. So if you're wondering about when would be a good time for you to come by, this weekend or the next would work out great for me.

Love,
Lala

[AllegroNg]

Dearest Red Light,
I am truly sorry I ran you. I did not think things would turn out the way they did. Next time, I promise, I will stop.
Heart,
Ng

[malina]

dear lala's future breakfast partner,

you're one heck of a lucky guy! :)

sincerely,
a.

[lapietra]

Dear Ng,

I was terribly hurt that you ignored me; I work really hard to be precise and only say what I mean... but I understand you're human and make mistakes, so I forgive you. After all, all I have to do is change on a regular schedule; you have lots of other things to think about.
Hope the accident wasn't too bad and that you can still drive to work. (The bus is awful and never pays attention to me.)

Love,
Traffic Light

[Hermione]

Dear Government test on Tuesday,

Please please please don't be too difficult.. I am going to study a lot for you...

very truly yours,
surbs

[Red Princess]

dear california firefighters, thank you. you are doing an awesome job in the face of some very scary fires.
worried peep

[~*WickedAngel*~]

Dear Happy Pills,

I miss you, but my therapist says we should be apart now. I have greatly enjoyed our times together and I hope you find a new person to make happy.

Love,
Me.

[~*WickedAngel*~]

Dear Bra I had on Last Night,

Where the *bleep* are you?

Love,
Me

[AllegroNg]

Dearest Dev,
I have my Twister in my car at all times, because, well, you never know..
Love,
Fast Roller

[Coffee]

Dear Pillow.

It was very hard to leave you this morning. You looked so warm and comfy there peeking out from under the covers...but I have work to do.
I'll see you again tonight.

love,
Me.

[Red Princess]

coffee = nyc ?? you decide

[~*WickedAngel*~]

Dear Tiny Letters in My Book,

Why are you so tiny and blurry? You make my eyes and head hurt. I'm sorry we can not get along better, but you are so small.

Sorry,
Me

[maychorian]

Dear Mexican restaurants that charge for chips and salsa:

I hate you. May you burn in hell.

Love,
Eric.

(This isn't mine, actually. It was on the blog at
www.ericdsnider.com (http://www.ericdsnider.com). Still, I thought of you, darling zeBoard.)

[Klynne]

Dear neighbor,

Please quit leaving bible tracts in my mail box. I find this to be quite irritating. If I wanted to join the baptist church, I would have done so by now.

Please leave me alone.

me

[funkytuba]

Dear asshole charity collector that harassed my wife today,

Please note that when someone says "no" to your request for money 10 times in the same conversation, it is time to leave the premises. Changing the phrasing will not make things different.

The following 5 times you're turned down, keep in mind that escalating the pitch until you're yelling is not a strategy for success. Please don't be surprised when you get the gate slammed in your face. You scare people when you get insistent like that.

It might also be a good idea not to call potential future donors "B!TCH" as you're leaving. I'm sure that your sponsoring organization would be interested to hear about your shenanigans, as would the city department that gave you your permit.

I sincerely hope I'm home next time you come by. Ever heard of the phrase "license revoked"? How about "tarred and feathered"? "Ridden out on a rail?"

Sincerely,
--FT

[~*WickedAngel*~]

Dear Hands,


PUT THE BOOK DOWN!!! PUT IT DOWN NOW!!! I SAID NOW!!!!!!


Love,
Tiffany's extremely tired brain and now blurry eyes.

[Hermione]

Dear England,

I miss you..

Love always
surbs

[priceyfatprude]

Originally posted by Red Princess
coffee = nyc ?? you decide Hah. No.

[rmr]

Dear PFP and RP,

I don't get it.....coffee=nyc.......please explain??

yours,

rmr

[Frieda]

dear dutch soccer team,

for god´s sake, WIN, dammit!! the germans will make fools out of us again. AGAIN!! you´ve got to beat the scots! THE SCOTS!!

thanks in advance,
Frieda

[Hermione]

dear shoulder,

Please stop hurting.. please..

-me

dear meg,

where are you...?

-me

[Klynne]

Dear Rich,

You are a little strange. Why is that? You scare me.

Go away. Love, me

[messycoloring]

Dear Lord,
I think I see the light at the end of the tunnel for this project, please don’t let it be the lights of an on coming train.

messy

[priceyfatprude]

Dear Poppa,

Thank you for picking a nice lady to be my new mommy. The conversation I had w/her earlier warmed my heart a bit. I can't wait to see her this weekend.

Love,

me


Dear Gym,

I've missed you so. Tonight was awesome, you were great, man!

-me

[Frieda]

dear dutch soccer team,

so, tonight's the night. please don't let me down. please?

love,
frieda

[AllegroNg]

Dearest Will Farrel,
I saw your movie today, and I want you more than ever now.

[priceyfatprude]

Dear NG:

I am married. But you can see me as Darren in the Bewitched movie.

Love,

Will Ferrell

[Frieda]

dear dutch soccer team,

YAY! GREAT JOB! :D

love,
frieda

[Coffee]

Originally posted by rmr
Dear PFP and RP,

I don't get it.....coffee=nyc.......please explain??

yours,

rmr

Yes...please explain??

Did NYC write a dear pillow letter??

[messycoloring]

Dear Lord,
That light I saw was an on coming train, but by your Grace it was not my fault. But would it be too UN –Christian of me to ask if you would bring some sort of Old Testament wrath upon The United States Postal Services.

Locusts would be nice, lots and lots of locusts.


messy

[priceyfatprude]

Dear Jessica London,

Why do you have such pretty shoes? (http://www.jessicalondon.com/jessicalondon/product/product.asp?pf_id=44532&dept_id=4764&rootdept=630&parent_id=&) A girl could go broke!

Love,

me

[priceyfatprude]

Dear Wendy's

Please have hot fries in your drive thru for after bar time. They should not get cold on the drive home. Bitchez.

-me,
who is alergic & should not have them anyway. But f*ck, if I'm going to take a chance & order them, they'd better be hot.

[funkytuba]

Dear PFP,

If you ever find yourself at home again with cold fries and you don't have a deep fryer to pop them into, try reheating them in your toaster oven. Just turn it up to about 300-ish and toss the fries in. The dry heat will return them to edibility if not their former glory.

--FT

PS: Don't even think about the microwave; it will ruin them.

[Magpie]

Dear Medical/Sleep Researchers,

WTF? Why haven't you discovered a cure for children's Night Terrors yet?! I mean, we can send a man to the moon.....

I've already surrived many a middle of the night awakening enduring the screaming, kicking, punching etc. with my first two kids... It should be a rule that any subsequently born children will be exempt from ANY type of sleep disorders... but noooooooo.

Ask any parent who's had to endure this if there is a market for a cure, ask them if they'd gladly pull out their checkbook at 3am and spend the equivilent of their morgage for a cure - you'll see.

If you cannot find a way to rid the child of Sleep Terrors completely, an instant remedy that would stop the maddness in it's tracks would suffice. I mean, we can invent thong-shapped femine hygine products.....!!!

It is now 4am and the terror is over, my little darling daughter is sleeping peacefully once again and in the morning as I poor milk into her favorite Cocoa Pebbles I'll ask her, "Do you remember the bad dream you had last night?" - she'll answer, "Nope. thank goodness I didn't have any Mom!" :eek:

Please donate to the medical sleep research foundation of your choice this holidy season.

zzzzzzzzzzzz

[Hermione]

Dear University of California,

Please accept me

love me

Dear Personal Statements,

lkasjdgfoawimefpcoismfjalsekfjslkdfjas'dlfjasldkfj !!!!!
love me

[priceyfatprude]

Dear Harry Connick Jr (HCJ),

Please leave your Victoria's Secret model wife & 3 daughters & marry me.

Ok, if you won't do that then how about another 10 albums like Songs I Heard.

I love you. I love you so very, very much.

Love,

Aimee

[malina]

dear colin

:)

love
a.

[priceyfatprude]

Dear Frankie Avalon,

I don't care if you are old enough to be my grandpa. I don't care that you & your first wife have been married 10 gazillion years. I don't care that you have 8 kids & prolly twice as many grandkids.

You are farking adorable & I want to marry you. Is that so wrong?

Love,

the girl from the mall in downtown milwaukee in 1990, when you & annette were here for the city of festivals parade.

[Goot]

Dear SAT II,

Next time I take your writing test, please don't loose my essay. That’s been nothing but trouble for me lately. Really, this whole “Getting a zero on the essay portion” has been one headache after another, not to mention making it pretty tough to get into any school. This is just a heads up, you bastard, you evil standardized bastard...

-Goot

[jaymirror]

Dear Trash Can,

You, the place where my over-production of rubbish finds proper accommodation and can start its own independent life. Every time, when the cleaning lady empties you, again, I feel this sense of liberation and forgiveness. I am not exaggerating if I say that

I L o v e Y o u !

I would be lost without you, drowning in my own nonsense-outgrowth, muddling on meaningless clinkers, struggling with suddenly undeniable uselessness.
Thank you for helping me emancipate from my own bullshit, and sorry for all the times I’ve been abusing your capacity.

Yours forever,
Jay

[priceyfatprude]

Dear NYC,

Thank you for the email. Put a fork in me, I'm done. I should've re-read that email I forwarded you a long time ago. I'm done w/him. Especially w/how clingy he got right before I left for NY. *shudders*

As for the other, I wanna make him suffer. You can help me w/that. :D

Thank you for being such a good friend. I loves ya!

-me

[Audreyvgs]

Dear Girls,

I know one eighth of one percent of what you're talking about, but i say, you are both correct. You go PFP. aud

[priceyfatprude]

Dear Aud,

It's not the one you're thinking of. This particular man, I have decided, is not worth the gum on the bottom my shoe. The one you're thinking of is still in the mix & still adorable.

But thanks for your support. *smooch*

-me


Dear NYC,

Your bank is being a Pokey B'dokey about cashing my check. :p

-me



Dear coworker:

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME CHEEEEEESE W/YOUR WHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNE?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!

-me

[maychorian]

Dear The Call of the Wild,

Please stop sitting on my desk like a useless block of wood and spit out a twelve hundred word paper with a work cited page.

Thank you.

Love ever,
Laura

[bealeblues]

dear deep south,

i love you.

beale

[rmr]

dear beale,

you live in a trailor park.......think about it? still, i'm glad you're home safe and sound.

yours in cub munching,

rmr

[bealeblues]

dear rimmer,

you have to see the new tires i buried halfway in the front yard (actually, front gravel) in front of the place. i'm thinking of making a beer barrel garden to increase the re-sale value....

love,

beale

[rmr]

dear beale,

you gross me out.

yours,

rim

[bealeblues]

dear rims,

you always hurt the ones you love most.

love,

beale

[rmr]

dear beale,

i know......your redneck ways hurt me so.

please change.

don't change,

rims

[dinzdale]

Dear Toilet Bowl (a.k.a Great White Telephone)

I will be visiting you soon as the "twins" are going to make me shit.

Please have plenty of paper
and a magazine
and some of those disabled bars on the wall

and a sturdy brush



Thank you
Dinley O'Migod.

[rmr]

dearest dinz,

you know you love me.........why won't you admit it?

love,

rims

[bealeblues]

dear rims,

mom always liked me best. she never wanted you to know that, but i'm tired of living the lie.

love,

beale

[rmr]

dear beale,

i never loved you and i hope i never have to see you again. how's that for not wanting to live a lie?

fark off,

rims

[maychorian]

Dear funny little monkeys,

Please stop posting. The board calls to me. I'm distracted from my paper. I want a jellybean.

Love ever,
The Maychorian

[bealeblues]

dear rims,

well i'm glad you finally said something. i mean, the cash your mom gave me for being nice to you and inflating your ego was nice, but cash only buys so many garbage can liners to puke in. glad we don't have to do that anymore....

piss off,

beale

[rmr]

dear beale,

*yawn*

*double yawn*

yours in jesus,

rims

[bealeblues]

dear rims,

get some original material. plagiarizer. you suck.

love,

your conscience

[rmr]

beale,

me.......i don't FARKING think so..........so why don't you CALM THE FARK DOWN.

that's crazy!!!

Wanna do it??

rims

[bealeblues]

dear rims,

hell yes.

love,

beale

[rmr]

dear beale,

let's promise........that we'll never fight again. we are too good for that.

you are tip top tap!!!

love,

rims

[bealeblues]

dear rims,

it's a deal. you're the schmoopie. you really are. no, really, you are.

love,

beale

[rmr]

dear beale,

SHUT-UP.

yours in jesus, mary and joseph and i'm not talking about the holy ones, i'm talking about my neighbors,

rims.

[bealeblues]

dear monkeys,

nothing to see here. continue with your lives.

beale

[jaymirror]

Dear beale,

could you post that on my blog please?

Jay

[bealeblues]

gimme a link to your blog JM

[bealeblues]

originally posted by rimmer, my BFF
yours in jesus, mary and joseph and i'm not talking about the holy ones, i'm talking about my neighbors

your neighbors are jesus and the mary chain????

[jaymirror]

Originally posted by bealeblues
gimme a link to your blog JM

it's my "home" link: www.somethingaboutnothing.splinder.it
oh yeah. it's an italian blog site, comments are "commenti" :) i'm so international.

[Frieda]

dear mom,

please stop giving me gift certificates for bol.com! i´m so sorry, but i´m not going to use them! they suck!!

love,
frieda

[bealeblues]

too bad bol.com doesn't sell replacement houseplants

[rmr]

dear beale,

that was not funny. not at all. please try again.

love,

the "correct" side or your brain