Letters that get me through the day.

[karma_queen]

dear me
i like being this happy, but i miss the cynicism. please come back!
kq x

[trisherina]

Dear brain,

No.

xo
Trish

[ambo]

Dear Washington home sellers:
AN UNFINISHED BASEMENT DOES NOT COUNT TOWARDS TOTAL SQUARE FOOTAGE. GROW UP. I HAVEN'T GOT TIME FOR YOUR SHIT.
Love,
Ambo

[madasacutsnake]

Used Glucagon kits don't get closed back up and returned to the fridge. Because then we think that we have more kits than we do and in an emergency, some-one could pick up the used kit, thinking it was full, and then once with the patient, find that it wasn't then have to run back to the fridge to get an unused kit out then run back to the patient and all that running is inconvenient. Theoretically, it could put the patient at risk too. I guess. Possibly.



Dear Fig Jam,

Sorry to hear of your resignation.

Really.

Yours,

Snake.

[priceyfatprude]

Dear Emeril,

You sick fabulous bastard. I never thought to hide lobster tails inside a beef tenderloin until today. You are the KING of food porn, baby!!!

-Peef


Dear Paula Deen,

Your son Bobby is hot.

Love,
Peef


Dear Monkeys,

If you would like a holiday card from me, and I don't have your mailing address, now would be the time to PM it to me.

Love,
Peef

[Hermione]

dear surbhi

i'm so proud of you

me

dear monkeys

i hope you all had a great weekend!

[Max Headroom]

Dear Vonage

F**k you

Luv max

[trisherina]

Dear Empress,

No, nothing could possibly be your fault. Yes, everything is completely beyond your control. And HOLY CRAP where do you find all these people to prop you up all the time? What did you do, enter the support system lottery? Can I get a ticket? Just a shot at it? C'mon!

Hide all you want, but I'll tell you this: keep your promise. That's all.

Love,
trisherina

[karma_queen]

dear lungs
please start liking smoking as much as i do. or i shall have to stop. it's your choice.
kq x

[trisherina]

Dear Q:

Thank you so much for bringing up this (http://www.canada.com/nationalpost/story.html?id=a3e6b146-f06b-4bda-b749-52f704b086ef&k=92185) topic at the start of my day, and remarking that he was "innocent until proven guilty," and that "all of his students had nothing but good things to say about him." Not quite all, (http://www.edmontonsun.com/News/Alberta/2005/12/21/1362432-sun.html) unfortunately.

Oh yes, and regarding innocence: if you knew you were innocent of such a charge, would you suicide before or after your trial? Thought so, you insensitive, thick-headed, stupid shrew.

Love,
Trish

[Zeismyhero]

Dear Health:

Thank you for coming back. Our visit to the surgeon last week seems to have done the trick, and just in time for Holiday.

Before this, I'd forgotten how much I've taken you for granted. I'm young enough, eat healthily, get a fair bit of exercise and all that...so I just figured you'd always be around.

Now I know better and I love you more than ever. Thank you for sticking with me!

Love,
Serena

[smellyrayzin]

Dear King Arthur,

are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

- susie

[beckstra]

Jesus -

It's been kind of a bummer Christmas being at work and whatnot, and the best Christmas .ever. with everything outside of work. I realize, either way, that it's essentially not about what happens *good or bad* this time of year, hell, whe whole year. It's been an amazing year in every kind of way...

After 23 had passed, I thought I had lost all hope of ever being the kind of person I dreamed of being when I was a kid. I thought I had heard you completely wrong and I was just going to have to live with it and move on from there. I trusted you and although it was hard, I'm so glad I did. I wouldn't have or be anything. This moment wouldn't exsist, and I would be a completely different person with all the control...scary, right?

I've been getting lost in shopping for the perfect gifts, throwing the perfect parties, sending out bazillions of Christmas cards...trying to remember it's only marshmellows. I just wanted to remind both of us that I remember...

Thank you for being bigger than all of this.

Bacco

[trisherina]

GROCERY LIST

Is there a food you like eating? If so, buy it.

xo
Trish

[Zeismyhero]

Dear Co-Worker -

Don't you think its ironic that your Christmas Cold has ended with the holidays, AND you're back to work in time for our boss's return?

What a coincidence...

Me

[karma_queen]

dear kq
stop being scared of being very happy. you're being stupid.
kq x

[priceyfatprude]

Dear Stepmother:

Calling me 2 days after they admit your husband into the hospital...isn't helping.

But thanks for the call.

-Peef


Dear Dad:

Hope everything's going to be ok. Please take the sleeping pill.

-me

[trisherina]

Dear World Automakers:

Do away with the bulbous hoods and the deep-chinned grilles. Even on the Maybach? Please. Ugh!

Cordially,
Trish

[Brynn]

Dear Mick -
I don't deserve you. I think you're wonderful.
I know where your heart is. I can't always find the fvcking car keys, but I like knowing where your loyalties are. Thanks for all the things you don't say. Love from me.

[beckstra]

Dear Puppies of the world,

I'm sorry. I cannot have you. You make me physically ill for long periods of time. This makes me want to cry because you are all so cute.

Beck

[karma_queen]

Dear winter

Please change into spring. I hate having to have so many heaters in here. Yes, they make me warm, but I can't concentrate on my essay in this horrible artificial heat. I miss the sun too. I feel terribly pasty.

KQ x

[Zeismyhero]

Dear Extra Poundage:

You are cordially invited to leave. I still believe I'm beautiful, even though you are here. I just think I could be more beautiful if you'd go.

I am willing to do what it takes. Sure, you've taken leave many times, but always, you come back. I exercise like a fiend, and then go to a normal amount and there you are. I take pills, then one day bam! You're back. I never, ever overeat, compulsively measuring everything, but you stay and stay.

I want to see twenty stinking pounds less of you. If you left, I'd be so happy! I'm happy now, but I'd be ELATED if you left. I don't miss you when you're gone. I think you suck. You're rude. I know I'm fun to be around, but that is about to change.

I am going to walk until you fall off. I'm in Ohio, so I guess I'll leave you along the way to California!

My Bod

[madasacutsnake]

Dear Old People,

Don't get me wrong, I do love the quiet times. However is it really necessary to cram all of your grand mals, hypotensive episodes and falls into one shift? Spacing them out a bit would be great.

Oh and, best practice when leaving a room is usually to open the door and leave, not open the door slightly, jam it by shoving your commode in the gap, then climbing through/over it then realising you can't get through/over it, turning around and becoming wedged. And when I reach through the gap and grab at your waving giant-squid-like tentacles and ask where you're going, "Christchurch" is not really an answer with a basis in reality, OK?

Thanks for your co-operation in these matters,

Snake

[lapietra]

Dear Jessica,

While we most appreciate your school’s generosity, and consider it a complement of the highest order (certainly commensurate with the quality of our workshop speakers), we cannot accept a double payment for your attendees to our Basic Certification Workshop on January 10, 2006, due to stringent laws and regulations governing our department (mostly because of some folks’ tendency to go out and stuff themselves silly on ice cream sundaes whenever they have a bit of extra cash, rendering this restriction urgently necessary. $250.00 would buy a lot of ice cream!).

(Some folks doesn’t include me, of course.)*

Therefore, please find enclosed your check #7995 for $250.00. However, feel free to invite us out for ice cream whenever you like. http://www.zefrank.com/bulletin/images/smilies/smile.gif

Best regards,

Lala

*(Well, sometimes.)<O:p</O:p

[madasacutsnake]

Dear K,

I left two long nursing notes detailing last weekend's crises and I quote from them, "the situation is no longer tolerable", "urgent" and "Behavioural Advisory Services programs are a process not an event and this situation requires immediate intervention".

I left a Doctor's Visit Request detailing same.

I left a note in the diary asking that you read the notes and ring the doctor.

This farking means "RING THE DOCTOR DAMMIT" not ring "Behavioural Advisory Services back" then write some waffle in the notes about how BAS says they have liased with the doctor.

Just how farking impressed do you think I was at 4pm on a Friday to discover that you hadn't done as required and not only that but had somehow managed to convey to the rest of the staff that the doctor was disinterested and BAS were in charge thus preventing them from taking action all week?

Juts how farking impressed do you think I was that Dr R arrived an hour after I called her and said categorically that the resident needs to be moved to a more appropriate facility?

Just how farking impressed do you think I was when I rang the Matron to discover that they had had an empty bed in the dementia unit until 2pm of that day?

Just how farking farking farking impressed do you think I was to put up with (for 7.75 hours) hitting, kicking, latvian curses (!) and throwing of self on floor not to mention the upset and tantrums from the other residents who are being intruded upon 24/7 knowing all the while that if you were just capable of following a simple request none of this shite would have happened?

We love you to bits but you farked up big time this time.

Sorry babe but I can't help you any more,

Snake

[Master_Jedi]

j

[Jack Flanders]

j
M_J
U R N ASS :mad:

Give Snake a break. She has a stressful job. Bless you Snake.

[Master_Jedi]

wht did i do, j is a letter that gets me through the day

[beckstra]

Dear *ahem*,

Usually dancing doesn't get me in the mood for anything else other than more dancing. The obscene amounts of eye contact tonight, the teasing, and the only dancing with me at songs that would involve a lot of soul to soul action was cruel. When we were leaving, I slowed down so maybe you'd follow me. You had a chance tonight...and I've never given anyone a chance like that. Probably a good thing you didn't take it, but now I'm frustrated. Damn you.

You know who.

(Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...)

[trisherina]

"Behavioural Advisory Services programs are a process not an event and this situation requires immediate intervention".

Good gravy, I hope you really wrote this!

[madasacutsnake]

You know I did.

Tonight's score:

one hole in wall

one heater torn from wall

K,

You are so fvcked

Snake

[beckstra]

Dear *ahem*,

Motioning for me to call you across a room when I'm about to leave is fine except for two things: 1) I don't have your number and 2) I'm not calling you first. I've waited 25 years for anything like this and fully expect to be chased. If you want to get close enough to dare me to call you like that again, then expect me to hand you a kick in the pants. Until you ask me for a pen and my number, expect to see that shoulder shrug a couple more times. You're old enough to have a clue. So have one...and ask me for my number...and call me...and don't be one of the ones who winds up on my "total bastards" list.

You know who.

(Yarr.)

[priceyfatprude]

Dear beckstra

You go on with your bad self.



xoxox,

-Peef

[Gatsby]

Dear Beckstra,

What Peef said.

Also, how clueless of him.

-Gatsby

[madasacutsnake]

Dear ahem,

"Motioning for me to call you across a room".

NO.

Yours,

Snake

[Zeismyhero]

Dear Beckstra -

You foxy little mama, you! I admire you for taking this approach.

Ahem will get the picture, I just know it.

Best of luck!

me

[beckstra]

Dear Monkies -

I'm done with him. I've realized he is a 14 year old trapped in a 41 year old's body, and I don't date men younger than me...because I'm not a pedophile. So *ahem* can just move on and deal with the fact that I'm never gonna look at him like that again. No, seriously, he's like a 14 year old in a 41 year old's body. It's too weird to get over.

beckstra

Dear *ahem*,

Nevermind. All of it. Never you mind.

you know who

[priceyfatprude]

Dear Becks,

If he's seriously 41 & you're 25 that is pretty freaking gross. Makes you wonder why he is not mature enough to attract someone his own age.

So you are right, you are better off w/o him. :)

xoxox,

Peef

[lapietra]

Dear Stupid East Coast Freak,

You are a piece of work. After going against my gut reaction and agreeing to rent you the room *sight unseen*, after you promised ("You betcha, sistah!") to show up on 1/4 with the other half of the deposit in hand, only to send me an email *on* 1/4 to say that, oops, grandma fell down and needs you to stay, after I had to bust my ASS to get someone in here to replace you (yes, thanks for your help, but it was still a feckin' roller coaster), after I send you your deposit back - mind you, I DON'T LEGALLY HAVE TO, WE DIDN'T HAVE A CONTRACT - as soon as I humanly could, AFTER YOU ASKED ME IF YOU COULD USE ME AS A REFERENCE FOR A JOB (?!?!?) ALTHOUGH WE HAD NEVER MET, when there is a delay in the mail (throughout which I have stayed in constant contact with you via email), you are THREATENING ME?????
I'm putting in the paperwork for a refund on the money order. You'll get the money after I get it. No sooner. If someone lent you the money, they can deal with *you*. I have witnesses that I sent out the m.o. on January 10th, as well as a receipt.
Believe me - I want you the **** out of my life as soon as possible. Don't think I'm going to draw out the experience any longer than necessary.

Lala

[lapietra]

Dear Monkies,

If anyone knows of a nicer way to communicate the previous, please feel free to PM me.
Love,
Lala

[Zeismyhero]

Dear La La -

You go, Girl! What is up with that, anyway? Sounds like someone I knew once! Aren't you glad the renal situation didn't work out? Who knows what this loser may have done!

Serena


Dear Fortune -

I feel blessed for all I have, but if you could swing the "win" pendulum just a little...I'm not asking for anything for me. I'm asking for something for the most precious one in my life. Please send some good luck his way...

Serena

[beckstra]

Dear new boy who isn't really all that new,

You're one of many, even if you actually talk to me. I'll just admire you. It's just easier to think you're cute and leave it at that. Although, if you could just be my dancing partner until we both get good, I'd settle for that.

Not gonna try anything,
Meh.

[trisherina]

Dear General Electric,

You know what they say; it's just one goddamn thing after another. After another.

Not that it matters to you, but I won't bend or crack or crinkle. Not until, if classic patterns hold, a decorous while after the worst is over.

Cordially,
Trish

[priceyfatprude]

Aren't you glad the renal situation didn't work out?:confused: Oh, you mean RENTAL!!!!! Big dif!!!!! *whew*



Dear Men of the World:

There's one man in the world. One man, with many faces. I get that.

But dang.

I know how much you all SAY you hate game playing. THEN STOP MAKING IT SO ****ING EASY TO **** WITH YOUR HEADS. It's almost not even a challenge anymore. Almost.

So yeah. Not going to take you seriously until you can be ...how shall I say this? H-O-N-E-S-T-T-T-T-T-T-T.

-Peef

[karma_queen]

dear bridgette bardot
my hair looks like yours this afternoon. you must have had a lot of sex in the mornings. well done.
kq x

[beckstra]

Dear boys (although by boys, I mean the three of you in general),

There are too many of you out there complaining that you have no one to date, that you're lonely, or that you wish someone would like you like *that*, and yet I'm 25 and have only been ignored or rejected. In spite of the fact that you all seem to hold a deep unbelief and an unending knowledge of this little factoid. So, some of you have some damned explaining to do.

Fussfully yours,
Bacco

[beckstra]

Dear PFP,

*sigh* Yep.

becki

[Frieda]

dear new boss,

MOTHERFVCKING PIECE OF SH1T, YOU SUCK MONKEY ASS!

sincerely,
me

[Zeismyhero]

Dear Universe -

Thank you for the many recent good things you've placed in my life.
Even though you brought me another cold last week, you also inspired my boyfriend to surprise me by coming into town on Valentine's Day. I needed that.
You also inspired my boss to ask HR to give me a "pay adjustment." What boss just DOES that for an employee? She was able to get me a nice little boost and it will help things to not be quite so tight. Just enough to give me a little wiggle room.
All I ask of you now is that one little thing I've been wishing for, and since it isn't for me, can you help? I just want this person to have something good happen...very deserving.
Love and thanks,
Serena


Dear Frieda's New Boss -

Don't f*ck with Frieda! You will find she is an asset if you'll stop being an ass.

Serena

Dear Boys Who Should Ask Beckstra Out -

WTF!? Can't you tell she is a catch? You're missing out...

Get a clue,
Serena

Dear Pricey -

Did I mention I can't spel? Yes, I meant RENTAL, not renal! Geez, I'm a dork.

Good catch!
SerenaBena

[Frieda]

dear serenabena,

thank you :)

love,
me

[karma_queen]

dear mum and dad,
thank you for my dry british humour
kq x

[lapietra]

Dear Serena -

I *am*, very very very glad. Wotta full-blown nutcase of a beeyotch.
And she kind of makes me wanna pee a lot, so yeah, renal. :p
Love,
Lala

[Zeismyhero]

Dear LaLa -

Then I am glad for you, my dear.

Now, why does the word renal make me laugh? I'm losing it...

Hugs,
Serena

Dear Frieda -

You just let me know if you want me to fry up some Monkey Ass for your boss to suck on. I deliver. ;)

Hugs,
Serena

[lapietra]

P.S. The envelope containing the money order was found behind the mail sorter in the mail room downstairs. :p :D :rolleyes: (somebody owes me a beer :cool: )

[craig johnston]

dear red wine,
why do you have to taste so good?
yrs,
craig

[Hyakujo's Fox]

Dear Lunch,

I'm on my way!

Hfox

[trisherina]

Dear Anton,

I wish you weren't smarter than you look.

xo
Trish

[Zeismyhero]

Dear Universe -

That thing I asked you to do for someone. Thank you! Thank you. Thank you...you have brought him great relief and I think this is going to help him immensely.

You know how I am about not asking for things. And I'd never ask for anything for myself. But he really needed this. I am so happy for him...

Many sincere thanks,
Serena

[beckstra]

Dear boys,
Go ahead. See straight past me. I'll be over it by next week.
Ugh.

Dear Jonathan,
I know nothings gonna happen. That's why I told you that. Please find the humor I was going for. If I actually thought I had a shot with you, you'd never have known the difference. Also, your religion permits us. So I decided to take you to the extremely casual, friendly side of things.
Har har

Dear *dancer*,
Go ahead. Give me the sham. I'll just be humiliated for a little while. It won't hurt too much in the long run.
*somebody*

Dear Steve,
Like me. Like *that*. Okay?
Annoying

Dear Lonliness,
You're a bitch.
Becki

[Zeismyhero]

Dear Beckstra -

Where have you been?

We're all wondering...and hoping you're somewhere smiling...

Serena

[beckstra]

Dear ZIMH and all you lovely ZeMonkeys in general,

I know, you've all forgotten me, I should re-introduce myself, but not on your life.

So, just for refrence, I'm a college student as of last week. I start classes as soon as the summer semester at the community college starts up. I had a grueling three hour interview today and may soon be free from the shakles of monitoring security systems and troubleshooting systems (praise JESUS). I've almost made it three years, but I'm on the verge of breaking down at work due to stress, so I'm doing everything I can to dig myself out of this pit.

I still own my house. It'll be 6 mo. in about three weeks. Who knew? I'm so blessed you guys. I have no idea what happened for me to have this responsibility, but yes, it's happened and I wouldn't change a thing.

I am still dancing and I am down twenty pounds now (still getting smaller, woo!). I'm officially smaller than I was in high school (which I've decided means I was monsterous, even though I know I wasn't). I've started working out at the local community center in my area and am still dancing as many nights a week as possible. It's like a whole new side to life. More or less, any residual social retardedness that I've got is on it's way out.

No relationships on the horizon...well, none, I believe. Hasn't stopped me from making attempts.

I've been spending an obscene amount of time with my iTunes deciding my favorite versions of the classics. I've been asked to start dj-ing on Friday nights at the place I dance. I've been learning my early rock'n'roll, rockabilly, touches of honky tonk, swing, blues, rags, and jazz. I've learned that Buddy Holly is good for dancing, but Wilson Pickett is much, much better. And if Peggy Lee or Bille Holliday sings it, odds are they sing it the best. I'm madly in love with "He's A Tramp" from Lady and the Tramp. It's Peggy Lee. I had no idea. I highly suggest looking up The Ditty Bops if you like ragtime. Kick ass, I know.

Word.
beckstra

Dear Tim-Tim-Ta-Ree,

*sigh* No, you weren't imagining that. I was hitting on you. You wear a tee shirt that says "I'd rather be making out," and I'm going to give you the go-ahead...then you dance with me and hit me in the hip with a cell phone in your pocket, you've walked straight into what you think you have. Damnit.

the other white redhead

PS. I'm not going to take it back, and I'm not likely to stop this anytime soon, so eventually you're going to have to jump on board or reject me.

[madasacutsnake]

It wasn't a cell phone.

[beckstra]

*sigh*

[Zeismyhero]

Dear Beckstra -

So nice to have your smile back amongst us! It brings joy to hear of your love for your house, your committment to your weightloss, your journey of dance and your friendship with boys. Don't give up...one will notice your amazingness soon enough...I just know it.

Don't stay away so long! It's even nicer when you're around.

ZIMH



***********

Dear B*tchy Co-Worker -

I have never in my entire life met anyone as miserable as you. When you yelled at me on Monday, I finally snapped - it was high time that you heard from someone just how unpleasent your toxic, vile tone is in our workspace. If you'd only listen to yourself and how you say things...

So I let you know...I took advantage of the fact that no one else had arrived yet and I thanked you kindly for biting my head off. And I said that I hoped you felt better. That's when you sent me the scathing e-mail that attacked my character, my finances, my cheerful disposition and my existence in general. Despite your sh*tty pettiness, I sent you a nice e-mail in return. I told you that I was sorry that my happiness offended you and that I wished things were better for you.

And today? You've come up with a reason to move to another area of the department. I think our Boss needs to know what your real motivation is...that you do not like me. We are grown ups. If she honors your request, there is a chance this will turn into some grade school environment and I won't have it.

I think you suck. I don't want to be a tattletale, but I am at a loss as to what to do. I can't believe that my good mood and friendliness is offensive...everyone else seems to have a good time with me. What is your freaking problem!?!

Love,
Serena

[Frieda]

^^^ you should actually email that you know

[Zeismyhero]

Dear Frieda -

Thank you. I would but I am still so so amazed that I haven't even spoken to her since the incident.

She actually made comments about my finances...saying I "throw money around at fancy jazz clubs." When someone says "What did you do this weekend?" And I say "Oh, we went so and so..." does that imply that I spent money? When in actuality, we split an $8 appetizer and had a happy hour priced cocktail? I'm broke, too! I never brag...I just answered a question! And this gives her the right to speculate about my finances?

Can you tell I'm not over this?! I guess that's why we call this thread "Letters that get me through the day..."

Thanks for the support, Frieda!
Serena

[madasacutsnake]

Dear Zeis,

So not worth it,

Snake.

[beckstra]

Dear ZeMonkeys,

I have some photos of my art up. If you click on my signature, you should be able to see them. Hopefully it's worth the stop by.

beck

[madasacutsnake]

Dear co-irkers,

YOU need to pull your socks up.

And YOU need to pull your head in.

AND IF YOU DON'T ATTEND TO THIS IMMEDIATELY I WILL HAVE TO KILL YOU ALL.

Best Regards,

Snake

[beckstra]

Dear boys,

I haven't worn a dress in four years...mostly because they never made any good looking dresses in my size. I finally am small enough to wear one and am doing so tomorrow night. If you could tell me I look "nice" or "hot" or something that fits the "pretty" category, I'd appreciate it. Especially since I've been nervous about it all day...especially the amount of skin it will be showing. Also, if one of you could make up your minds to finally ask me on a date (especially since you know I'm interested in you and you keep giving me the bedroom eyes), that'd be nice, too. Damnit.

beck

Dear Zeis,

Fancy jazz clubs may just be too sophisticated for her. This is proof that she is not worthy of your company and should be ignored for her bad taste.

beck

Dear rain,

I *heart* you. Please cool off though, it's sweltering in here and the sun's not out any more.

beck

Dear job,

I *hate* you.

Argh.

[Hyakujo's Fox]

Dear Hfox,

I need to see other people.

Sincerely,
Hfox

[Jack Flanders]

Dear Beck,

Don't worry about how/what they think of you, enjoy how/what you feel about yourself. Show your confidence in yourself. God, I sound like Dr. Phil. F him. Just have a good time and don't think about impressing them. Let them impress you.

[Zeismyhero]

Dear Beck -

I bet you looked fantastic in your dress! I want to hear how that went...let us know!

All the best,
Zeis

Dear Mad and Beck -

This co-worker I refer to? Total a-hole. I've been doing the "sticking to business" thing here at work, and I think she is starting to miss my sunny disposition she once bitched about.

Why do people have to be such dumbasses sometimes?!

But that is okay...when I want to be around cool folks when I'm at work, I come by here. :)

Happy Friday,
Zeis

Dear Money Gods -

You know, I could use a little boost. I'm thinking about getting a second job for some extra money. I live pretty frugally...go out every now and then, but pretty much stay home in the evenings during the week. I'm thinking, if I got a second job, would I just hate it and be tired all the time, or would it give me a couple hundred dollars a month extra and be an immense help?

Love,
Zeis

[priceyfatprude]

Dear Beckstraordinary,

We needs an update.

Love,

PFP


Dear Wendy's

STOP ****ING AROUND WITH YOUR ****ING MENU. Just b/c Dave is now gone, that doesn't mean you can change everything around. Assholes. First you change the sauce on the grilled chicken & give it a bigger bun. Um, no. Make the sauce optional or switch back to your original honey mustard. Which brings me to, honey mustard reminds me of every time I have ever thrown up. Why do ppl like it? *shudder*

Then today I order a Chicken Club (fried chicken fillet w/bacon) with cheese. First person who points out how much I don't need to eat one of these gets a sock in the eye.

The girl tells me they no longer have the Chicken Club. WTF is this shit???

THEN they had fruit salad for awhile. But now, no more.

Dave Thomas is spinning in his grave, ppl. Knock it off!!!!! :mad:

-Peef

[beckstra]

Dear Monkeys,

I walk in last night (I had to hold off a week because of the weather) and I know as soon as I get there that I've been targeted. All the boys who know how to dance want to see if they can get my skirt to fly. Well, the dress was not in any way going to. Didn't keep them from trying.

So, I spent the night getting looks and leers and the only guy who says anything to me is engaged ("Becki, that dress is hot..."). It was enough though -- because judging by the reaction of every guy in the room, they had the same thing on the brain.

This is the cheesy prom-like picture that my sister took.

[melissa]

Dear Beckstra,

I'm proud of you.

Melissa

[trisherina]

Dear Inspiration:

Welcome. I can't tell you how happy I am to have you at last. I'd like you to meet Perseverance; he's a bit dull but he pays off, you know. Not like a slot machine, no. More like blue chip stock dividends.

All I need now is an introduction to Resources. We'll do our best to keep relations smooth with Drive and Health, and you know, I think we might get somewhere.

Please, please, make yourself at home.

Gratefully,
Trish

[Brynn]

Dearest daughter,

Please grow up, but please don't do it so fast. You won't get to be 14 again until you're old and senile, and believe me, by then it won't be as much fun.

Scream at me all you want, but no, you may not watch "R" movies unless I've seen them first and approve them. If that's what you're doing at K's house next door, I'd so much rather not know about it. If I "find out," of course you're going to lose privileges. So for crying out loud, don't be stupid and let it slip that you just saw "Love Actually," and then backpedal, especially since you girls forgot to pull the living room drapes. Besides, it's a really lousy movie and you should be sneaking around watching better things like "Amelie" or "Grosse Pointe Blank" instead.

Love from your wise and beauteous mother.

[beckstra]

Dear Eve,
*yousuckdotcom*
-b

Dear new Domino Magazine,
Come in already.
Should Be Subscribing

Dear room,
You're clean and pretty. I *heart* you.
bacco

Dear art,
I missed you.
bacco

Dear week off left,
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo...
bacco

Dear hair,
Please behave.
Becki

[trisherina]

Dear people,

I want to live in your world. Just for one day. The world where you can leave things and while you're gone, pixies come and pick them up and put them away. And laundry magically appears on hangers! And you can shout out any time, "Where is my ------?" and the answer will be THERE, instantly, and by gum if it isn't, it's the fault of the pixies! The world where you can leave a non-functioning CD changer on a floor paired with a non-functioning DVD remote for SIX YEARS, and somehow, someday, they just VANISH! But not far, though. Not far. Because you could suddenly remember the world-dominating vital role that that CD changer and DVD remote could play if only you had them in your hands RIGHT NOW, and you'll shout:

"WHERE IS MY NON-FUNCTIONING CD CHANGER AND DVD REMOTE?? I LEFT THEM ON THE FLOOR RIGHT THERE FOR SIX YEARS!!"

The world where dogs must have fur but you've never had to deal with any close-up, and pets must need vet visits and everyone must need doctor and dentist and podiatrist and pharmacy visits but you only vaguely hear about these marvelous things taking place in the background! That wonderful world, let me live in it for one day, if only so I'll get so bored that I'LL HAVE THE FVCKING MOTIVATION TO TAKE DOWN MY GUN AND UNLOCK IT AND LOAD IT WITH HOLLOWPOINTS AND STICK IT DOWN MY THROAT AND PULL THE TRIGGER!

But I'm not bitter.

Love,
Trish

[dinzdale]

"Always look on the bright side of life"

rgds
D (Sir Adrian)

[lapietra]

Dear funny little pompous person,

Well, you were quite right to make sure we understood that Mr. W. is "giving his permission" for us to do you the favor of including an ad for your event in our newsletter. It didn't take any effort at all to create the ad from the flyer you sent around, and that space would just have gone to waste otherwise, something we desperately *must* avoid. Think of the trees!

Your faithful and grateful servant,

Moi-la.

[Zeismyhero]

Dear Heathens-with-whom-I-work:

I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you were raised in the wild. That way, I won't be offended by your lack of bathroom manners and instead can advise you so that you will behave appropriately.

Please do not:
leave pee or pubic hairs on the toilet seat
leave waste in the toilet bowl (look after you flush, and if need be, flush again! No one wants to see your poop!)
toilet paper on the floor
paper towels on the floor
feminine hygeine wrappers scattered about
leave water all over the countertop

We work for a professional corporation! To land a job here, I know you HAVE to know better! Your bathroom habits are the very reason I seldom eat the food you make for our potluck days...it isn't just that I'm on a perpetual diet. I figure if your house is kept up the same way you keep our bathroom? No thank you!

People, Please!
Zeis

[Frieda]

Dear Heathens-with-whom-I-work:

I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you were raised in the wild. That way, I won't be offended by your lack of bathroom manners and instead can advise you so that you will behave appropriately.

Please do not:

leave pee or pubic hairs on the toilet seat


leave waste in the toilet bowl (look after you flush, and if need be, flush again! No one wants to see your poop!)


toilet paper on the floor


paper towels on the floor


feminine hygeine wrappers scattered about


leave water all over the countertop

We work for a professional corporation! To land a job here, I know you HAVE to know better! Your bathroom habits are the very reason I seldom eat the food you make for our potluck days...it isn't just that I'm on a perpetual diet. I figure if your house is kept up the same way you keep our bathroom? No thank you!

People, Please!
Zeis

you must be working where i work

sometimes the shit is on the wall and the door. it's amazing and disgusting at the same time :eek:

[trisherina]

Dear Immune System,

You can keep my thyroid; science has had that one covered for decades. My connective tissue -- well, we'll talk about that, work a trade around the GI maybe, one or the other but not both? And really, if buccal mucosa is all that much fun for you, be my guest. I can eat soft foods.

However, let me be clear regarding all things neurological: they are off limits. Okay? Keep in mind that you need me to munch on, and if I see the wrong kind of consent form coming across the table, you might not have me around for handi-snacks anymore. Just a friendly thought!

Yours from Stockholm,
Trish

[jasmina]

you must be working where i work

sometimes the shit is on the wall and the door. it's amazing and disgusting at the same time :eek:

I'm not going to go into the "red alert" type area.
I think you all know what I mean.
Nasty nasty nasty. Girls, clean it up! Ugh.

[jasmina]

Dear Immune System,

etc.

Yours from Stockholm,
Trish

Dear Trish's Immune System,

Just two words (well ok, four)

DON'T MESS WITH US

We outnumber you by far, by sheer will power. And TrishPower. (oh I like that - can I patent it? Is that possible?)
uuh ok well anyway -
The Ze Monkeys WILL come get you.
So watch your back.
Yours from wherever you fear the most.


PS - 'Rina -this is what you look like - :) except with better legs!

[beckstra]

Dear Spring Fever,

If you're not going to guide someone in my direction, please keep your fat head out of my biznass.

Thanks, you.
Me

[priceyfatprude]

you must be working where i workApparently we all work at the same place. :rolleyes:

Dear Co-Workers around the world:

The air freshener is sitting not 2 feet from the toilet for a REASON. IF YOU POOP, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE use it afterwards. And then AGAIN, AFTER you flush.

Also, it's called a courtesy flush. Do the Courtesy FLush, spray some air freshener above your head & carry on.

Or learn how to poop flowers.

Respectfully Submitted,

Peef

[Hermione]

Dear Sophomore year of college,

I'm so glad you're ending.


Dear Board and it's wonderful members,


I've missed you. I've been busy with school and extracurricular activities. I hope everyone is doing well. :)

[melissa]

Surbhi,

I bet you're the shining star on your campus.

Melissa

[beckstra]

Dear checkbook,
Go balance yourself so I can pay my bills.
Becks

Dear world,
A stock broker? You've got to be kidding me. What happened to politics or writing or teaching? Good lord you've got a sense of humor.
Becks

Dear bed,
I hear you. I'm coming.
Bacco

[Jack Flanders]

Dear Surbhi, Congrats to the ending of year #2 of school. You've been busy and hope you can relax for awhile.

[smellyrayzin]

dear finals,


ok.
i've officially lost my mind.
YOU WIN
CONGRATS

:cool: :p ;) :D :o :eek: :( :mad: :) :rolleyes:

- me

[priceyfatprude]

Dear Bed,
Please be more comfortable so I feel like getting into you.

Dear Kidneys,
please stop hurting my back. I am getting you a new bed soon. One that will not move you to hurt me.

Dear CJ,
you notice no one took the challenge, right? just so we're on the same page, guv. ;)

Dear rain,
Go back to London where you belong.

[AllegroNg]

:eek:

[LeahDear]

I'm not going to go into the "red alert" type area.
I think you all know what I mean.
Nasty nasty nasty. Girls, clean it up! Ugh.


Yeah! What's that all about??? Why do they do it? :confused:
My first ever saturday job was waitressing at a local cafe... My cow of a boss told me to go clean out the ladies as someone had made a mess.. I trooped downstairs with a mop & bucket and was expecting some pee on the floor or at worst some poop.. I can just about deal with that.. but no.. some stupid girl had made the cubicle look like the shower scene in psycho!!! I refused point blank to clean it up... needless to say it was also my last day at that particular job. :mad:

[priceyfatprude]

Dear New Guy:

You are dumb. Dumb for posting your first & last name on a public message board. Dumb for not realizing anyone with a brain who might want to **** you will pull up Wisconsin Circuit Court's website & plug your name into the search engine. The misdemeanor from 12 years ago is quite loverly, it explains why your life hasn't gone anywhere, and why you aren't ready for this jelly.

You are also dumb for not remembering when my birthday was the ****ing first time I told you. If you really wanted to get into my pants, that would've been the way to go. Moron.

-A


Dear Guy In The Dairy Queen Eating Dinner W/His BabyMomma & 2 Children, One Less Than A Year Old,

Stop staring at me. Yes, they are real. No, you cannot touch them. Yes, I look cute, 2 friends & I decided to move Girls Nite Out to the DQ after dinner.

But I don't even know you.

Your babymomma? She knows you. And, she must like you. I mean, she ****ed you. At least twice.

And to stare at me while you're out with her? Tacky, cheap, and disrespectful. To her. I don't care if you're disrespectful to me, I don't even know you. But I will tell you one thing, it doesn't make me think you're sexy or cool. ****er.

-Redfeathered Double Breasted Bed Thrasher

[madasacutsnake]

Dear G,

When you are trying to blame something for which you are responsible on others, and I walk away having loudly announced that I am looking for Ratsak, the appropriate response is not,

"Why are you looking for Ratsak?"

as then I am forced to answer,

"Because we have a rat problem"

Also, the best thing to do at this point is to Let Go and Move On, not ask me and any-one else who will listen "so where is the rat?". You are really only providing a source of ready entertainment for the staff and we have plenty of mad old people who already suit that purpose.

Snake
xxx

PS The annual leave you wanted in September? Won't be a problem.............

[smellyrayzin]

For: those about to rock

I salute you.

From: Sue

[priceyfatprude]

Dear Pringles CheezUms,

It's not you, it's me.

I haven't had you since 1987 when you first came out. I forgot about your cheesy goodness.

So when I saw you across a crowded gas station, I thought, Why not? I knew you'd go perfectly with the cheese & tomato sandwich I'd just made. And you did. You really really did.

But this 2 cans a week habit has got to stop. Please stop being so salty & yummy? Please?

Sincerely,

Peef

[ShopaholicChick]

dr papa smurf
isn't this the smurfiest?!?!?!

[ambo]

dear ken,
stop spamming this forum, or i'll get malibu barbie to run you over with her corvette.

[Jack Flanders]

Dear person who keeps on hanging up on my phone answering machine,

Thank you for hanging up. I don't want to talk to to you either.

XXOO, Me

P.S. GTH!!!!

[madasacutsnake]

Dear Qantas,

Why is it necessary to schedule a flight to leave at 2030? Nine hours later is 0530. Which means first off I have to attempt to sleep on a plane. It's just wrong. Secondly, it means that I arrive at 0900 local time. Which, as any jet-lagged traveller will tell you, truly sucks, as your hotel won't let you get into your precious bed until the previous occupants are out of it. What makes this whole deable worse is that if you were to schedule your flight at the very civilised time of say 0900, I would arrive at 6pm my time, refreshed after a day of snacking and movie watching, and the local time would be about 1030pm - just in time to fall into my assuredly unoccupied hotel bed.

FFS if I can see this why can't you? Night flights should be taken out the back and shot.

Snake (who Does Not Travel Well)

[Hyakujo's Fox]

snake on a plane! :D

[AllegroNg]

Dearest Cat,
Thank you for the dead bird. I already had breakfast. Plus you already ate half of the poor thing. Next time maybe you should bring something we could both use.. like money..
Heart,
Ng

[auntie aubrey]

dearest gladx:

i appreciate the thought. and i am flattered that amongst the viable choices in this vibrant community you chose me to proposition via the zefrank.com message board PM system. but i'm afraid your intentions are misdirected. don't get me wrong, it's not that i'm uninterested having access to a "very nice looking, honest, well caring and humble girl with a nice shape." and i do appreciate that you are a "well presentable, and well attractive looking young girl." these things do matter to me, i promise. in a world of loneliness and despair, pain and suffering, ugliness and sorrow, it is fortunate that well caring and well attractive young girls still exist.

unfortunately for the future of what you clearly hoped would be a burgeoning relationship, i am not "a man that knows the value of a good wife." i am also not "honest, well caring and hardworking." as a consequence, i will not "be able to take good care of" you.

so i wish you luck, gladx. and i wish you godspeed. i hope your gladness can carry you through the long, dark night of singlehood and bear you into the glorious illumination of partnership in coupleyhood.

i hope we can still be friends, gladx. but not friends in a "PM me anytime!" kind of way. more like friends who never speak or acknowledge each other, but who privately wish each other.... i was going to say "well" but that may possibly be too strong of an emotion. let's just say that we can be the kind of friends who wish each other no specific ill.

thank you for your inquiry, gladx. may god have mercy on us all.

sincerely,
auntie aubrey

[karma_queen]

dear boy
that massage and body scrub has made my skin the softest it's ever been. please notice.
kq x

[trisherina]

Dear Nola,

I finally did a partial repotting of the ficus. If it grows now, I'll credit you whenever I look at it. You were right about one thing -- it's got a root ball big enough to let it grow to six feet, easily!

Miss you a lot lately. It's like some sort of weird delayed reaction. Might make your sausage and pepper bake later this week.

Thanks for everything.

Trish

[Frieda]

dudes,

how can you say you're building a team by giving feedback about behavior that you don't like? team building is about saying "i'm there for you" and "what can i do to help you with your issues".

boy, that meeting really pissed me off. you set up a meeting, make a rule that says "everybody say how they feel and nobody argue, just listen" and next thing that happens is you flinging poo? and you make the rules, so nobody can fling some back at you.

that's one of the reasons why this environment does not feel safe. clean out your own litterbox first before you accuse others of being unprofessional.

[Hyakujo's Fox]

Hfox

wine?

Hfox

[madasacutsnake]

Dear A,

You aren't to know but "get over it" is a particularly bad choice of words to use on me. I'm sorry your husband's cousin died in the WTC. I'm glad my husband's cousin didn't (though I'm sure that his contribution to the punk rock scene ceased to have much relevance after about 1979). But I digress. I mean to just say it's not helpful. If I could get over it, I'd be over it. Thanks for reminding me once again why I don't discuss personal issues with people I don't know really, really, really, really, really well or through internet message boards.

Snake

[trisherina]

Dear IS people (and I use the term loosely):

CAN YOU FIND YOUR ****ING ASS WITH BOTH ****ING HANDS ON A GOOD ****ING DAY?

Just wondering. You know, I wasn't mad when I had to make four phone calls of increasing intensity on a Friday before a long weekend, pointing out that the unit clerk was going to have to SHUT THE UNIT DOWN, and that she COULDN'T DISCHARGE PEOPLE WITHOUT BEING ABLE TO SEE THEM ON A MONITOR, before the monitor was delivered just in time to make her good and late going home. I wasn't mad, because she's a kind and sweet person, and I have the means to make it up to her one day, and hey, sometimes people get held up.

I wasn't mad the other Monday, either, when the housekeeper managed to destroy my CPU over the weekend (cleaning vigorously, one presumes) and it took until 1400 for Mr. Bumptious to get his ass over there and get me straightened out. Because, you see, it was kind of ****ING ENTERTAINING to see how people performed office jobs back in the 1940s, say, when all they had was papers and one another to talk to.

I wasn't even mad when I responded like a good little spit-when-you-say-user and did the whole extra daylight savings time patch routine with you as directed in email, only to find that the "patch" put not just the weeks of the time change out of synch, but MY ENTIRE CALENDAR FOR THE YEAR. Even though I had to call back and go through your whole rigamarole AGAIN in order to have you say, "Oh, ALL the appointments are out." "YES, JUST AS I SAID," I confirmed, "ALL THE APPOINTMENTS ARE OUT FOR THE YEAR!" Thinking all the while, "NO SHIT YOU DIPSHITTY SHIT FOR BRAINS!!"

But now I must confess I am, well, a little annoyed. Especially after checking my calendar remotely and finding ENTIRE ****ING PAGES MISSING, and some appointments out by an hour, and some out INEXPLICABLY BY TWO ****ING HOURS. Those are the ones I can remember, that is. Because there are not just pages missing, but recurring appointments missing, and for all I ****ING KNOW THE KOHINOOR ****ING DIAMOND IS IN THERE.

So I'm a little annoyed. Maybe you could fix it.

Regards,

[Jack Flanders]

"NO SHIT YOU DIPSHITTY SHIT FOR BRAINS!!"

So I'm a little annoyed. Maybe you could fix it.

Regards,

HEH!!! DIPSHIT is one of my favorite words!!! :D :D

[trisherina]

I can't say that "favourite" was where I was really at with that... :(

[Jack Flanders]

HEH!!! DIPSHIT is one of my favorite words!!! :mad: :mad: :mad:
I meant it in a mad - bad way. ;) (And when someone I know is being really stoopid.) :) ...So, it's like the f word and can be used many ways. :D

[Jack Flanders]

I meant it in a mad - bad way. ;) (And when someone I know is being really stoopid.) :) ...So, it's like the f word and can be used many ways. :D

Sorry.


Dear IS,

Go to Hell.

Regards, A friend of someone who's really f***ing pissed-off at you.

[trisherina]

Dear Jack,

Thank you for rising to my defense. The annoyance is already well burned off and I am busily crafting my missed-appointment calendar excuses. IS will give me a backup of my old calendar, but hopefully not before I've missed an Emergency Preparedness meeting. Pardon my unappealing temper tantrum. I blame the Crab Nebula, and more available hormones than I've had in months.

Prosit!

[Odbe]

Dear everyone,

If I were more awake right now I would fill this letter with heartfelt words. As it is, I hope my brevity will express the absolute... the total.... geez, I can't even begin. Just....
Goodbye, Earth.

Odbe

[Brynn]

Dear Odbe -
Is that letter helping to get you through the day so far? I hope it helps get you through the day. Fortunately, this particular day is guaranteed to end relatively soon. You can always say goodbye tomorrow if you really want to. Good luck!;)

[Odbe]

Dear Brynn,

Just in case you misinterpreted my letter as being in some way indicative of a suicidal nature, let me assure you this is not the case. I say goodbye to Earth only. You wouldn't believe the martinis they have on Pluto.
Regards,

Odbe

[Brynn]

:) I am relieved to hear that. Some days when I'm out on the ledge, I'm usually just so surprised and pleased to find visitors I can't contain myself.

[lostsadie]

Dear Sirs and Madams,

I am writing this letter to request a first class ticket to Pluto, when ever available. I feel that I am a prime candidate for Pluto explorations.

Firstly, Pluto and I have a few things in common. We both are small compared to our counterparts and we are also "way out there". Next, I sympathize with Pluto, as it has been rudely deprived of it's Planet status.Thus, I fear for my own Status as a "Human", will they next say that you have to be so tall to be considered "human"? Already, I am considered too short to not sit in car seat in a neighboring state and fear for my life at the thought of my airbag deployment. Pluto sounds much safer, and I am sure we will get along well.

Following you will find Quotations from a rather gifted although dead writer, who seems to be able to capture my feelings on "humans" and "Planet Earth". I hope that you will find the following quotes to prove yet again that this planet and the humans on it make no sense whatsoever.

"This planet (Earth) has - or rather had - a problem, which was this: most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy."
~Douglas Adams

"It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons."
~Douglas Adams

Please reserve a seat for me on your next flight, or on second thought I don't mind if I have to hide in a piece of luggage. Beam me up. Pack me up, whatever is necessary.

With all sincerity,


Lost Sadie

[Jack Flanders]

(You just want a martini!) :cool:

[lostsadie]

(You just want a martini!) :cool:

Shhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

don't tell, they might think I'm a lush :D

[beckstra]

Dear downtime,
I got in bed last night at 1am. Take pity on me. I drove a mooch I don't like to another pub for the sake of my sister. I want to go home and sleep some more...considering I only got 4 hours and 45 minutes of sleep last night & have a busy day from 3pm on.
Love,
A Very Cuddly, Cozy Me

Dear Grandma,
Thanks for going home. I lost all that weight I put on while you were here. I've also not had to clean up doggie doo in my living room. If you ever bring that dog anywhere near my house again, I will not be held responsible for what happens to it! PS. I've stopped eating pork altogether. Put that in your pipe and smoke it!
Beck

Dear Colon,
I know you don't like lettuce. I'm sorry. Just stop it already though.
Brain

Dear Yoga Pants...
Mmmmmmm...comfort.
Thank you,
At Work

[Frieda]

dear self,

YOU ROCK, WOMAN!! :D

you can be very, very proud of yourself, you even cleaned on top of all the cupboards! woo YAY woo YAY! :cool:

see you next spring cleaning spree!

me

[priceyfatprude]

Dear lady upstairs-

Stop doing your dishes in the morning before I get in the shower or your husband's brand new truck is going to mysteriously turn up keyed on of these days when I have no water pressure & what *does* come out is cold.

-the "lady" downstairs

[trisherina]

Dear N,

Thank you for all those earrings. I didn't even realize until yesterday how many of them you gave to me in the last year. Kind of like the Keith thing. So maybe that was your way of acknowledging it. Anyway, they're all perfect and dainty and timeless. Two I keep only for special occasions. The others all bring me luck.

xo
Trish

[beckstra]

Dear David,

You have someone. I need you to stop being a tease and flirting with me. It kinda hurts, and moreso just pisses me off...when you do it in front of her face and once she's one. She's a nice girl and doesn't deserve your brand of shit.

You know who...

Dear keyboard,

If you could get my "up," "down," "delete," "g" and "h" keys to start working again without me having to copy and paste certain ones them over and over again, I'd have mercy on you and not go get another keyboard when I get my federal refund back.

I don't like you.

[T.I.P.]

Dear Dude that was walking down the Beach on Far Rockaway,
It was an interesting experience meeting you in the middle of nowhere. Thanks for not robbing me with all my luggage before I got on the plane.
Mr Tourist

Dear Eyelids,
Please stay open and see me through the day. And your friend jetlag that he is not welcome around here.
me

[Frieda]

dear self,

let it go. it's a choice. you dont have to sit through all that crap.

good luck,

me

[auntie aubrey]

dear job:

F you in the unholiest of holies. and leave my weekends out of this, you craptacular lifesucker.

love,
your auntie

[madasacutsnake]

dear job:

F you in the unholiest of holies. and leave my weekends out of this, you craptacular lifesucker.

love,
your snake

[madasacutsnake]

Dear new teacher,

It's parent teacher interviews night tonight. I'll preface what's coming by saying that currently I think all teachers suck blowing dead goats. You really farked me off by claiming in front of my child that something she said wasn't true. You're not to know what crap we have just been through with her previous teacher (suffice to say it didn't end prettily for the teacher nor the school) however do consider it as having used up your 'ask the audience' lifeline.

So. Just don't go THERE (and by that I meananyfarkingwhere) with me. In fact don't even glance in its direction nor give it so much as a fleeting thought.

Looking forward a successful relationship in the future,

Snake.

[Creepy Sheep]

Dear self,

I understand your reluctance, but I would be sincerely grateful if you could get your arse in gear and do some work. This does not include any of the following;

cooking complicated meals
cleaning the bathroom
watching adaptations of great novels on the grounds that it's "practically educational"
teaching yourself origami

Yours,
CS

[Clytie]

Dear guest at my hotel,
Please wear more than your red long johns to our free breakfast.

*clytie*

[Jack Flanders]

HA!! or is that EW!!

[priceyfatprude]

Dear car-
I ****ing hate you.


Dear man who stopped to help a stranger-
Thank you. I am sorry I didn't roll down my window, but I'm sure you understand.


Dear person in the green Intrepid who was behind my car when we got back from the gas station with gas-
What were you doing? Did you call the cops? Strangeness...


Dear flatbed towtruck man-
Thanks for stopping, that was sweet of you. sorry I didn't end up needing you.


Dear garage who had my car for a ****ing week "fixing" it-
Thanks for putting in a broken fuel pump. You are putting a new one in tomorrow, and fixing the gas gauge on the dash like I asked you to last time. And I am not paying more than $100 dollars added to the $782 I've already paid you. I will cry a little when I tell you about tonight if I have to.


Dear friend who came to help me-
Do I have to sleep with you now, or would a steak dinner cover it?

-Peef

[T.I.P.]

Dear Coffee Machine,

I realize your intention is to amuse my colleagues and to offer them some well deserved laughter before they start the day.

Nonetheless I must ask that you please send me the coffee and the cup in the following order:

1) First the cup
2) Then the coffee

Not the other way around.

Sincerely,
T.I.P.

[trisherina]

Dear Outlook Web Access,

I wish I'd never heard of you. If I could only resist your siren song, all my vacations would be so much better.

Love,
Trish

[lostsadie]

Dear Job,

You pay my bills, and give me gifts. We have spent many holidays together and I have brought the folks to meet you and they approve. You are wonderful in so many ways. Actually, you are the best I've ever had. But as with everything in life, too much of a good thing can turn the sweetness to sour.

I wake up in the middle of the night worried about you. I've spent countless hours with you, and when we are not together you are never far from my thoughts. We are good together. But I need to find me. I feel as if I lost me somewhere along the way. I'm not saying that we can't see each other anymore, I don't want to lose you...but I need my space.

Please understand,

Lost Sadie

[Odbe]

Dear Fate,

You're getting a bit predictable. Stop repeating yourself.

Odbe

[T.I.P.]

Dear stomach

Please stop manifesting yourself. Lunchtime won't be for another one and a half hours and you know it.

thanks,
T.I.P.

[craig johnston]

Dear Things,
Could you please start getting better now
like everyone keeps saying you will? That
would really help.
Cheers,
;-) CJ

[eepsilon]

Dear Wiseass Customer-Lady,
Yes, your response was witty and unexpected, but it also clearly showed that you are awfully full of yourself. And as there were other, and possibly more sensitive ears present, I was unable to respond to you as I feel is more than appropriate to your attitude.
So, I am taking this opportunity to fully respond.
"Actually ma'am, I'm not solely here for a paycheck. I actually enjoy watching sad women like yourself make themselves more miserable by attempting to fill the void in their lives with meaningless matieralistic things. If there's anything I can do to assist you to that end, it would be my effing pleasure."
Thank you kindly for your time,
eeps

[Bman]

Dear Time,

I would really appreciate it if you would stop flying by while I'm having fun.

[madasacutsnake]

Dear Wiseass Customer-Lady,

We do a nice plunger in your Bodum or perhaps you would like a flute in your Orrefors?

Stop pissing people off.

Yours,

Snake

[auntie aubrey]

dear boss:

don't you ever ever EVER call me at 9:00 on a sunday, drunk off of your ass, again. i've heard repeatedly about your infamous drinking problem, but i've been trying to ignore it as long as it didn't impact my life. when you come into work with stringy hair and bloodshot eyes, reeking to high heaven of last night's bender, i hold my breath to avoid gagging. when your hands shake between opportunities to sneak off and have a drink, i pretend not to notice. but when you call me on easter sunday at 9:00, completely sauced and barely coherent, this impacts my life. this is unacceptable.

i give you one gimmie. if you call me again, you'll join me in HR first thing monday morning.

thanks and eff you in the ear,
A. A.

[beckstra]

Dear Ze,

It's been a while since I've emailed you really random, stream of conscience stuff. I'll try to do that again some time soon. You're a good kid.

Beck

[eepsilon]

dear cellphone, you suck! i cant wait to be rid of you!

[priceyfatprude]

dear auntie's boss

You're a ****ing knob job. You're lucky you hired her & not me, because anyone who calls me before 10am on a weekend gets the voicemail. Even the woman who gave me life.


dear weathercasters:

thanks for getting everyone worked up over nothing. why aren't you warning ppl about tomorrow for when all this shit freezes?


dear foot doctor:

i love the cortisone shots, yes i do. yup yup yup. see you tomorrow, beeyotch.

[brightpearl]

Dear Me,

Couldja just stop? Honestly.

*Sheesh*

Sincerely,
Me

[Brynn]

Oh dear oh dear oh dear I'm cringing
A world! An infinitude! of kind ways
to attune to souls finely wired
I must be careful of where I wander
sometimes the heart's aperture can only open so wide
before it bursts

[craig johnston]

dear brynn,
listen to the birds singing.
;) cj

[brightpearl]

Dear Cafe Latte,
Isn't it enough that I think you're delicious? Must you tempt me at all hours of the day and night with your silky foam, your haunting aroma? You know that your caffeinated charms are too much for me to resist when I haven't had enough sleep, and yet you have no mercy. One sip, and my homocystine levels rise like a phoenix from the ashes of my once-healthy arteries. You're bad for my heart.

I know you think that dressing yourself up in a sexy iced cup is going to change my mind now that the weather's gotten warm, but I don't need you. I can do this alone. And by the way, I lied about enjoying that threesome with chocolate.

Sincerely,
Brightpearl

PS I'm going out with Coke now.

[priceyfatprude]

Dear Red Lobster Waitress,

Your tip is 100% dependent on keeping that damn basket of cheddar bay biscuits full. Next time I will tell you that when you come to take our drink orders. None of this, "I'll bring them out when I bring the salads" & then disappearing for 30 minutes until we're ready to put your face on a milk carton. You need to know that me & my girls chose your restaurant in the school of, "there will be biscuits on the table from the moment we sit down to the moment we leave" You failed this one, honey. You are lucky I used to serve & never leave less than 20%.



Dear self,

Don't order the stuffed flounder or the snow crab next time. Bluh.

Also, when K-Lo talks you into stopping at the cheesecake factory for dessert, it's important to remember: you do not like cheesecake. Even when it's chocolate. Get that chocolate cake thing instead.

You have to go to vehicle emissions tomorrow before work. You have to park & go in & get paperwork. Leave yourself a good hour.

-me

[Frieda]

dear mr. chiropractor,

ow.
ouch ow ow ouch.
i'm feeling very bruised. this better be helping! don't give me this bs about needing pain to solve pain.. and be careful with that hammer.

thanks,
me

[Frieda]

dear dr. K,

thanks for pushing me to have my neck x-rayed. im pretty sure that if i had a cracked vertebra as you suspected, i wouldn't have survived today at mr. chiropractor's office. he uses a hammer!

thanks,
me

[karma_queen]

dear mum,

please say you were telling the truth when you used to tell me that if i slept with my school books underneath my pillow, the knowledge would somehow get into my brain. it seems much easier than reading them.

grumble.

love kq x

[Brynn]

dear brynn,
listen to the birds singing.
;) cj


dear cj -
yes
thanks
you're right of course
it's easy to
forget
b

[brightpearl]

Dear Mr. Xopenex,

It's not that I don't appreciate your bronchio-dilating miraculousness. I enjoy consciousness and I like to have oxygen attached to my hemoglobin; really, I do. But if there's a way you could manage that without keeping me up all night, shaking like a crackhead driving a Yugo at top speed down a bumpy road in an earthquake, that would be great.

Cheers,
Brightpearl

[Odbe]

Dear atmosphere,
I like to breathe. Breathing is a really enjoyable activity. I like to breathe air. However, I do not like to breathe:
- car fumes
- spray deodorant
- other people's perfume
- flatulence
- smog
- cigarette smoke

Air is good. Just air.
So get me the fvck outta this city!

Regards,
Odbe

[madasacutsnake]

Dear Port,

I know Collingwood suck but do you suppose, just once, you could win when I've actually tipped you?

Thanks,

Snake

[brightpearl]

Dear Mr. Red Cardinal,
It's a real inspiration to see you lay your life on the line for your little babies by flopping on the ground, screeching wildly, in order to draw off my five predatory cats. What a triumph of evolutionary inventiveness and parental dedication! The idea, however, is that at the last minute, when the cat is ready to pounce, you fly off and continue screeching at a safe distance. You are not supposed to allow yourself to be captured, repeatedly, when none of your little babies is on the ground. Perhaps your little brain is not so much a pinnacle of natural selection. It's just your luck I heard the commotion. And it was not entirely necessary for you to bite the holy hell out of my fingers while I rummaged around trying to find something to house you in so I could round up the cats. I was just trying to help, you know.

We're in quite a pickle now, aren't we? You're in a cat carrier in my bathroom, and I'm sitting at the computer desk, eating my lunch with fingers as red as your delightful plumage. It took me half an hour to round up four of the cats, and the streetwise one continues to elude me. Did I mention that it's raining? Yes. It is.

So to recap: Bird hollering in a cat carrier in the bathroom. Four cats who have figured out that there is a bird in the bathroom and are fighting over who gets to try to claw the door open. One cat loitering under the tree, waiting for an instant replay. Quietly bleeding fingers. Cold lunch. And we're all wet.

Yep, that's life.

Sincerely,
brightpearl

[craig johnston]

dear bp,
keep that bird alive! cardinals are one of the wonders of america.
atb,
cj

[brightpearl]

^^ Mr. Cardinal has flown off to seek his fortune alone. He had a couple of relatively minor puncture wounds and isn't flying so great without the majority of his tailfeathers, but I was afraid his mate would pine herself to death without him. I did my best. :)

PS They are gorgeous buggers, but they tend to come up a bit short in the brains department. I love them too, though.

[craig johnston]

PS They are gorgeous buggers, but they tend to come up a bit short in the brains department. I love them too, though.

that's birds for ya!

;)

[DaftGretel]

Dear Mr. Hummingbird,

I had no idea you had the ability to screech so loudly until my family and I emerged from our house and started playing on the back lawn. I'm sorry you don't like us growing food, or tending the yard, but would you kindly shut up for a bit while we're behind our house? Don't you have to find gallons of nectar a day to stay alive? Hop to it!

Thanks,

DG

PS - would you kindly pass on the word to the screaming blue jays in the bush that we don't appreciate them dive bombing us on the front lawn? We're allowed to be in the yard just as much as they are and really don't want to have to start feeding the neighborhood cats.

[Jack Flanders]

PS They are gorgeous buggers, but they tend to come up a bit short in the brains department. I love them too, though.

I used to have this male cardinal that would fly into my kitchen window and knock itself out. I guess he thought he saw competition in his own reflection and was protecting his mate. He did this fairly often and man was it loud!!! Moron! :p

[brightpearl]

Dear Kitty Cats,
While I could do with less hair and barf, having you with me has been largely wonderful. We have such a beautiful, symbiotic relationship, in which I feed you and pet you and lavish you with catnip toys, and you remind me to feed you and pet you and lavish you with catnip toys. We have shared this home together for nearly 4 years, you and I, and I wouldn't change a minute of it.

Here's the thing, though. In those 4 years, on most days I have gone out somewhere and then returned. Every time, I open the gate and drive up the driveway and park in my usual spot. It's fairly predictable. One might think that your little cat brains would have grasped the pattern by now. Why then, as soon as you see me get out to open the gate, do you run and commence to either lounge smack in the middle of the driveway or bathe ostentatiously in my parking spot? I have to drive exactly one (1) mile an hour up the driveway as you take your time deciding to move, casting a not-so-subtle glance of irritation in my direction. Frequently, you give up your spots on the driveway only to flop down right where I need to park.

I'm beginning to think that rather than it just being a misunderstanding, you all resent me for parking in your sleeping spots, and you're masters of passive agression. If it weren't for the food and petting and toys, I'd sympathize a little more.

Please haul your fuzzy butts off my driveway. I hear the porch is nice. That's where the local 'possum sleeps.

Sincerely,
brightpearl

[Frieda]

dear self,

you can do it. i know you're afraid. don't deny it, don't push it away, it's ok to feel this way. go through it. it's valuable. jump.

now sleep, rest. DON'T PANIC!

me

[beckstra]

Dear cold,
Go. Away. NOW.
Ugh,
*cough*

[trisherina]

Dear dandelions,

I see you sent your best this year, your brightest. And so you should. Nonetheless, they will taste the sharp metal of my weeding fork, every one of them. Stab, twist, pull. Stab, twist, pull. Send them all. I'll not disappoint.

Best regards,

[Jack Flanders]

Dear Trish, Hahaha!! Weed (sic) like your yard!!! Love, the Dandies

[Frieda]

dear Big Toe On the Right,

could you please fire up the sense nerves in your area again? you have been taking a break for a week and turn out to be quite an essential part of the walking process. i cannot seem to steer without your help.

thanks :)

me

[l'azizza]

Dear Joe,

I know you like to get drunk and reminisce.. but if we would have gotten married in Springs that one day when you had that court appearance, we would have been the couple that gets drunk and stabs each other in the street. I'm glad you understand it now.

Eat my ass sweetjeans,

T

[Veruki]

Dear differential equations class,

You suck!

Love,
V

[trisherina]

Dear Mrs. ********:

I understand that teaching is stressful. And we as parents are mindful of the difficulties inherent to your career choice, though we are in no way required to do so. For instance, we kept our own counsel when our daughter reported your relating inappropriate tales of superstition and ignorance to the class in a setting where their minds are open to acquiring knowledge and impressions. We have always felt that it is a parent's duty to be vigilant in reviewing what is taught in school, and to correct errors where necessary. Mind you, there have been so many reported this year that we occasionally wonder if we have missed a few due to sheer volume, despite our daughter's tendency to be a very thorough historian.

Recently it came to our attention that you had used a "bait and switch" tactic on the class, telling the students that all children who passed a series of timed math tests that they would be given a treat, then deciding after almost everyone had passed that you were going to make this treat conditional on a retest given on a particular day. This did present a useful opportunity for home teaching about the "bait and switch" principle, and we have plenty of treats on hand in any case, so we deemed the matter unworthy of protest.

Then our daughter reported that you had repeatedly, and with great emphasis, told the class that students who did not pass the series of timed tests on the appointed day would not be allowed to attend a school-wide end of year field trip. Having signed the permission slip with no such notification, this seemed unlikely to us, but you certainly had the children convinced. Our daughter, having passed these tests months ago, was keen enough to meet the challenge and applied herself with flash cards and sample tests, but feared slipping up under the pressure of timing, and cried late into the night before the test, expressing fear that you would "be cranky" and make good on your threat despite our assurances that it was very likely to be an empty and ill-conceived one.

Later we learned that only five children in the class (approximately 18%) passed the timed tests that day, yet you told them that everyone could attend the field trip against your better judgment. Our daughter said many of her peers expressed a great deal of anxiety prior to the test day -- several had never even passed the tests originally and yet the stated expectation remained the same for all!

This is precisely the kind of experience that instills children with fear and resentment in the context of the educational setting, and colours their view thereafter. But you weren't acting on any principles of knowledge acquisition, you were acting on expedience: our daughter reports that you often complain about "how much there is to do in June," and I am sure you garnered yourself a few hours of peace and quiet while children laboured anxiously over their practice tests. I too work in a setting where the school calendar reigns supreme; it is a difficult time of year indeed. But even with your limited education, would you place expedience as your highest value? Let's ask your principal.

Sincerely,

[brightpearl]

Dear Inner Demon,
http://www.buceriuskunstforum.de/img/03/grBlaufarbigerDaemon.jpg
I care for you with my whole heart. Please stay as long as you find solace here.

Sincerely,
brightpearl

[l'azizza]

nofx

[Frieda]

mailing out a couple of letters that get me through the day this morning:


dear sir,

fvck the hell off. you make me feel miserable with your stories on how much you make. my house costs twice as much as yours and i don't even make one fifth of what you make. so stop bragging about your cash flow.

thanks,
me.

================================================== =

dear guy from the company car department,

why the fck didn't you tell me you were going to appoint me an old model Clio?? maybe because i wouldn't accept it, huh. i'm the laughing stock of the department, again! and don't tell me i have to drive this baby till 2009. i'm not going to.

do let me know if you have another car ready, i am seriously thinking about driving this baby into the Amstel.

cheers,
me.

================================================== =

dear lower extremity on the right,

yes, you, that's how they call you at the hospital. please stop hurting. i'm not up for another round.

thanks!
me

================================================== =

dear insurance company,

please refund my claims.

thank you!
me

================================================== =

dear post office people,

top priority shipping means top priority shipping. it doesn't mean forgetting to issue a tracking number and losing a parcel. motherfckers!!

if i had another choice in postal companies, i would choose another.

sincerely,
me

================================================== =

dear self,

calm down.

me.

[Tunesmith]

To all my friends,

I'm sorry for ignoring you for so long. I was totally infatuated, and I made a bad decision. I regret putting you all on hold, and I hope we can start where we left off.

Wanna grab some coffee sometime?

Tunesmith

p.s. If you could welcome her back into the group, that'd be wonderful. Nobody deserves to be alone, least of all her. Just make an effort, you assholes! ;)

[priceyfatprude]

Dear On Call Doctor,

I was told 48 hours for my results. If they found what they think they saw, I need to know so I can immediately begin meds or think about surgery. Me having to call you 5 times in the course of the day is not good customer service. Especially when you give me such lame excuses for why the results aren't in. "Well, we got them from Memorial, so they're taking awhile to download." Um, you are the ones who told me to go to Memorial for the scan. If there was going to be a delay, why didn't you tell me that? Why didn't Memorial tell me that? But I digress.

OCD, if you are going to give me results, please read my chart at least a little. Telling me very seriously that I have cysts on my kidneys & liver made me laugh & laugh all weekend. I also had a little fun gasping, "Do I? OMG!"

In conclusion, read my ****ing chart. Thanks.





Dear sweet baby,

I enjoyed my day with you. I can tell you are getting older, but you still follow me everywhere like you always have. In & out to hang up laundry several times & you wanted to come out every time. Never once did you think, "I'm too old for this sh!t" & I love you for that. I also loved you sleeping in my arms, makes it very easy to give you kissies. I don't appreciate you barking outside the bathroom door because I didn't let you in with me, but I forgive you. You are the best thing ever, and I love love love you.



Dear board members I give infractions to,

I delete your PM's without reading them. It makes me happy. :)

[Veruki]

Dear Micros<strike>hit</strike>oft,

You thought you had me fooled! :eek: I betcha think it was funny I've spent almost two whole days trying to figure out my computer issues. Maybe next time instead of letting me believe that my poor computer has some horrible viral disease you'll just fess up and say it's all your fault!:mad:

with no love,
V

[craig johnston]

dear cups, plates, knives, forks, spoons (and that means you too, tea spoons) and especially pots and pans,

could you please just clean yourselves, just once?

tia

cj

[Veruki]

To my little red volvo,

I'm sorry someone egged you. Don't cry, take it as a compliment. You see the thing is people are jealous of you. I know you are upset, but know that you are a good car and have never disapointed me. I promise to play all your favorite song to help you feel better.
<3,
V


Dear mommy,

How was I suposed to know that I had to pick up the little one today if you didn't tell me? He waited in school for a long time for me!:( You are my mother and I love you, but it's time you grew up and became more responsible. I know this is hard for you to understand, but I'm moving out soon. What are you going to do when I leave?? I do all the cooking, I do all the housework, and I do all the gorceries. Remember last time you went to the supermarket? You bought ham and no cheese or bread. You bought spaghetti sauce and no spaghetti. Then you bought 3 steaks when you know that there are 5 people that eat in our house. Don't get me wrong, you're a great mom, you're just ditzy. All I'm trying to say is I can't do this much longer, and when I leave even less.

xoxo
V


Dear office management,

what is wrong with you? how many times do I have to tell you about the toilet water in my office. it's right at the entrance, do you realize how unacceptable it is that everytime I have a client come in I have to yell "WATCH OUT FOR THE TOILET WATER!!" as they walk in!:mad:
I don't like being rude with you...I'm a peaceful person, but enough is enough.
How dare your receptionist tell me there is nothing she can do about it! It's your fault for not giving the restrooms proper maintance to begin with. By they way, I told you about the water problem in the restrooms 2 months ago.
If case you haven't notice before you took over this building was full of tenants, tenants that had been here for 15+ years. Since you got here you've lost 30% of those tenants, and no one new is coming in. GET YOU'RE CRAP TOGETHER! Just so you know, we are the next to go... we weren't kidding when we said we were buying our own building.

V

[priceyfatprude]

dear cups, plates, knives, forks, spoons (and that means you too, tea spoons) and especially pots and pans,

could you please just clean yourselves, just once?

tia

cj^^ love it.

[Brynn]

Dear Dad -
I really think you would have liked my kids. I think they would have been your favorites in particular. They are very funny like you. I think they would have loved you too.

[l'azizza]

Dear beer,
You are an easy friend. You go well with everything.

Dear vodka,
You've haunted me in the freezer for months, then found your way into the fridge without your cap. You make me sick. I feel your acidic hatefulness in my cheeks. You're no fun. If you're not wasted by now you'll soon find your home down the kitchen sink.

T

[Brynn]

dear l'azzizza -
you should stop drinking so early in the morning and mail that bottle of vodka to me. I'm out.
xxoo
brynn

[Avalon]

Dear Me,

Never try to play the answer/question game..or any game for that matter, after you have taken an Ambien. Go to directly to bed and avoid your keyboard.

Everyone thanks you for your cooperation in this matter,
Me

[Jack Flanders]

Dear Me,

You did good - and continue to keep your mouth shut because they really do not care if your feelings are hurt. Remember our Mantra! :)

I love you, Kiddo!!

[brightpearl]

^That's awesome. :)

[Jack Flanders]

Dear Me,

I know, I know our tongue is bleeding but just chill. It ain't worth it.

Me, again. Stop!! I mean it!!! :mad: :mad:

[Frieda]

dear car department,

you SUCK! :mad: YOU go clean that mf car! :mad:

sincerely,
me.

[beckstra]

Dear Unemployment,
You couldn't suit me more unless I were wealthy. I *heart* you...but probably only for another few days. I kinda need a job. Soooo...until then.
Gainfully unemployed,
ME!

[auntie aubrey]

dear nutterbutters:

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm


love,
your auntie

[Mik]

dear dad,

you're dead now, for a year.
The show's going well and yes, I'm still painting.

too bad I never wrote you before.
you are well missed!

-mik

[trisherina]

Dear N----,

Thank you so much for saying those things. They mean more coming from you than anyone else there, because I know how good you are.

But I wish you'd say them to somebody else, if only for the reason that reading them eventually leads me to think about what I want, and that is an intensely uncomfortable place to be; I'm much more settled just doing what I'm supposed to do.

You could have left me there.

Trish

[brightpearl]

Dear brightpearl,
Sometimes it looks like there are two sides
http://www.fotosearch.com/comp/corbis/DGT069/CB017016.jpg
but there is just one.
http://www.naturephoto-cz.com/photos/sevcik/white-rhinoceros--ceratotherium-simum.jpg

No fixing
http://images.jupiterimages.com/common/detail/47/46/23424647.jpg
http://www.narconon.org/druginfo/syringeshare.gif

just flowing.
http://www.ryanphotographic.com/images/JPEGS/Flowing%20water.jpg

How beautiful to remember!
Congratulations.

Sincerely,
brightpearl

[trisherina]

Dear Vogue patternmakers, ca. 1950:

What is it you want me to do with that flap of panel, other than baste it at the top and down? You are very cagey as to what happens after the basting. This is unbecoming.

[Brynn]

dear dear dearest
there there,
there there.
it's going to be okay and eventually everything will sort itself out. you dream such nice little dreams, it would be a shame for you to stop hoping on them at this point. so make nice and smile and finish it, just finish it. nothing bad will happen if you finish it. the worst that could happen is that you'll be slightly different by the end and you will have devoted some time to it that you would have wasted anyway on something else with nothing to show for it.

and you should really call your sister, even just to leave a message.

[Frieda]

dear clouds,

go away!

thank you :)

me

[auntie aubrey]

dear georgia:

pushing 80% humidity is unacceptable. knock it off.

love,
a.a.

[brightpearl]

Dear Mr. Perv who walked off with the cell I dropped instead of bringing it to lost and found,

You didn't do the right thing. I can live with that. Keep the phone. May it bring you years of happiness and provide you with a means to contact all the weirdos who respond to what I'm sure is a bevy of bizarre and pathetic personal ads you've littered the local rags with. Was it really necessary, however, to send an email to the addresses I had saved on there, in a freaky and fruitless attempt to get me (or apparently, anyone) to meet you? I could see you put a lot of thought into sounding nonchalant, but it didn't pay off -- Generally, when one is contacting the owner of some lost property in order to return it, it's considered unecessary to mention that one is bisexual. In any case, it would have been easy enough to gather as much from your overly informative email address.

Perhaps I'm wrong. Perhaps you're just very friendly and open, and you really are merely interested in returning my phone to me. If that's the case, you'll meet me at the police substation I suggested.

I'll be the one not holding my breath.

But I will hope that you develop some self-respect and learn to take care of yourself.

Sincerely,
brightpearl

[auntie aubrey]

^ i don't mean to laugh, but god that's funny.

[brightpearl]

^I meant for it to be. :D If my too-close-for-comfort perv experience made you laugh, it's easier to laugh at myself.

[brightpearl]

Dear Mr. Perv part 2:

It's not funny any more.

I understand something of your pain, but it scares me that you can't understand mine.

brightpearl

------------------------------------------
Dear Google,

I am not very happy with you at the moment.

brightpearl

[Hyakujo's Fox]

http://i12.tinypic.com/4pnshhv.jpg

[auntie aubrey]

dear georgia:

pushing 80% humidity is unacceptable. knock it off.

love,
a.a.

addendum:

86% HUMIDITY IS RIGHT OUT!! :mad:

[Jack Flanders]

Dear Rain-producing Weather God/Godess,

Thanks for showing up today and helping us to lose the 93 degree Hot/Humid/Horrible temps. My plants thank you, too!!! :)

Love, Me

[Tunesmith]

To the large, muscular man that sat behind me in today's yoga class,

I was very happy that you were able to achieve your "optimal zen state", as you loudly informed the instructor around 15 seconds after the session ended. One request: is there a possibility that the next time you try this you could keep the grunting, humming, and flexing of your muscles to a minimum? It seemed to me that this was more of an attempt to impress the cute girl to my left.

Thanks in advance,

Tunesmith


To the cute girl to my left,

You really need to learn to suppress your giggling better. You almost made me lose my bridge position from silent laughter. :D

Hope you're there next week. I had a good time with you...

Tunesmith

[auntie aubrey]

dear pup:

please allow me more than 4 hours of sleep tonight. please please please.

thank you,
your auntie

[Anna]

Dear Washington State Cherries,

mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm
I'm so glad you are on sale this week. I hope you are really good for me, because I plan on eating you all up!

http://shutterandpupil.com/images/cherries.jpg

[priceyfatprude]

Dear Michael Vick:

I can't wait for you to get buttraped in prison. Doggie style!

Sincerely,

PriceyFatDogOwner

[AllegroNg]

Dearest cats,
PLEASE. Tissue box is NOT a toy. Tissues are already dead. No need to slaughter them again. xoxo.


Dearest 10 year high school reunion this weekend,
Ew.

[auntie aubrey]

dear washington state cherries,

don't blame me, blame anna. now get in my belly.

love,
aa

[madasacutsnake]

Dear flu,

No more. Please. It's bad enough having my head down the toilet at home, but at work?! What is that? I'm tired. I'm sick. You've made your point. Now go away.

Thanks.

Snake

[Earthling]

Dear Dead Spider,
It is with deep regret and guilt as I have seen our relationship end.
Several times I tried to relocate you, but as ever, you were to quick to be caught.
Yet, I do not feel it was entirely my fault. You should have known better than to attempt to transgress your footballfield-sized body across my living room while I was reading my rather large and heavy book.
In consolation, I offer you a free copy of the World Atlas (slightly soiled).

Thank you,
Earthy

[madasacutsnake]

Dear P and J,

No-one has ever made me feel bad about my job before.

Thanks.

Snake.

[trisherina]

Dear Wibbledy Vastiness,

Just wanted to let you know how strange it is that I am charged with ensuring the provision of safe, ethical, appropriate, and let's not forget timely care for dozens of highly vulnerable minors, round the clock, and it is not my ability to do so for months on end, but my failure to notify the executive that I am doing so while I am engaged in it that provokes comment.

If I weren't able to find you so amusing you would not find me here today, staring into you again, for you are a capricious bastard.

Regards,

[madasacutsnake]

Dear Australian Central Credit Union,

It is very important that you remember your Passcode, as you will need to enter it every time that you login to Online Banking from now on.

To help you remember your Passcode, you should select icons that you can easily remember. You may find it easier to remember your personal icons in the form of a short story.

For example:

If you select the ghost, German flag and castle icons, you could remember this as "We saw a ghost in the German castle". The story contains all three icons in the correct order.

After you have registered your Passcode, you will need to enter it every time that you log in to Online Banking using your member number and access code.

This means that logging in to Online Banking will now be a two step process:

Step 1 - Enter your Member Number and Access Code.
Step 2 - Enter your Personal Icon Passcode by selecting your three icons in the correct order.



YOU HAVE TO BE FARKING KIDDING ME SOD OFF

Snake

[T.I.P.]

^:D

[madasacutsnake]

Dear T.I.P.,

I picked the grenade, programmer and coffin icons.

Regards,

Snake

[Frieda]

dear airplanes,

go away! shoo! you've been flying over my house all afternoon and i want to sit in the sun and listen to some music! be quiet or go away!

thanks,
me

[Frieda]

dear airplanes,

GO AWAY!!

you have been flying over my house from 6am to 2 pm and and now since 5 pm non-fcking-stop

i need some silence!

thanks,
me

[l'azizza]

Dear God,

I'm sorry for Sunday night. Is Dave the devil?

Love,
T

[Stephi_B]

Dear cold,

It's nothing personal, really, but could you please take a hike?
You know tomorrow I actually wanted to see the Dali exhib
with my chica and it's the last day the thing has open you know...

So here's the plan: We stop spreading you down here in the internet cafe
(yeah I know you'd like to stay, but I feel quite rubbery and weak),
go upstairs, take the stuff just bought at pharmacy, cook new tea,
lie down and read till I fall asleep (you can stay up, as long as you shut up).
And when I wake up again I want you at least out of my sinuses, OK?

Regards,
Stephi

[Odbe]

Dear stranger,
I'm really sorry if I stared at you today. I honestly thought you were someone else who I haven't seen for a long time, and from behind you did look like what I expected she would look like now. Plus I saw her sister in the library nearby, so it was feasible that she was there.
You see, we didn't part on the simplest of terms so I was waiting for her to speak to me first, having thought I didn't recognise her so I could act all cool and in control because I had noticed her long before. Of course it wasn't her, it was you, so I have to apologise for the couple of sidelong glances from the religion section, and the sneaky look over the computing section - and of course when I sidled over to the young adult fiction area and I looked you straight in the face and saw it wasn't her... well, I was ready to be all blasé and say, 'oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else,' but when the time came all I did was browse the shelves and pick up a hardback as though it was all I really came over for. Incidentally I could smell you from the autobiography shelves so I'm kind of glad she hasn't taken to wearing that much makeup.

sorry again,
Odbe.

[Tunesmith]

Dear population of my school,

Sometimes it's nice to just shut up.

Don't start freaking out if I don't want to babble on incessantly about your favorite reality tv show with you; it just means that I would like five minutes to myself, to think about something other than YOU. Just because I, and for that matter anyone whose energy level seems to be lower than that of a person who has just consumed 15 cups of coffee over the course of an hour, am not doing cartwheels across the grounds with the "peppy" group, does not give you the right to constantly ask if I'm "okay".

In fact, if you leave me alone, it's very possible that I'll feel like talking sooner, thereby solving your worries completely.

Grrr....

Tunes

[trisherina]

Hey #24:

Nice Axis 2 priming you've carried out there, just as an aside. I don't have to read anything to know that -- a few seconds on the phone is enough to make it clear! Anyway, for what it's worth, I agree with you -- I kept telling you as much but you weren't too keen on letting me get in a word of reassurance, you and your wife who are "both **s with ******* ******." Wow, really? I guess they're really scraping these days. Anyway, it isn't reassurance you want -- it's a pound of flesh! Well, that's certainly one way to live, and I wish you luck with it. As for me? I went home full of insalata Caprese, popped myself into a hot tub and a spate of meditation, and I feel ****ing great! Except for the garlic. That might be a problem tomorrow. How about you? Any worries tomorrow?

Warmest regards,

[Anna]

yes you, I was at the cafe today waiting in line for coffee when this older women in front of me; perhaps 70, dyed red hair, a bit on the hefty side leaning on her walker cane telling her younger friend in a very loud no one else is in the room matter of fact old lady stuttering voice how this resent weather brought on her hot flashes and she hadn't had one of those in over decade! I had to turn around and look up at the ceiling for a moment, fearing I would embarrass myself with an explosion of laughter. As I turned I noticed the gentlemen behind me was looking down at his shoes trying his best to compose himself, pursing his lips tight in order to stop the smile and contain his drool. That's when I thought of you. love, me

[topcat]

dear pretty girl in the bar, the kiss on my lips made my night

[madasacutsnake]

Dear TP Primadonna,

Suffer in your jocks.

Buh-bye.

Snake

[brightpearl]

Dear boy selling firewood he chopped himself so he could buy his first girlfriend a Christmas present:

It will be a long time before you understand why I found your presence on this earth faith-restoring.
Thanks for that.
I really hope she puts out.

:D
Don't forget to glove your love.
Merry Christmas,
Brightpearl

[madasacutsnake]

Dear Snake,

Two more sleeps until holidays

Love,

Snake

[AllegroNg]

Dearest Would-be-inlaws-if-I-didn't-fear-marriage,

Please consider not dressing up my boyfriend like George Costanza. If he needs new clothing, I will gladly help him if he needs.

Heart,
Ng

[trisherina]

Dear slack-jawed neighbour:

I am moved that you finally decided to clear the walks around your corner lot. Throwing clumps and shovelfuls of packed snow on to the street, even managing to throw them over the three-foot high snowplow rows into the street proper, is certainly one option available to you, as opposed to piling up snow at the edges of your property like the rest of us bylaw-compliant bohunks. Maybe you were worried about interfering with the view of the bare fence posts that have defined your patch of dirt for several years. I completely understand, and I hope that when your entire household is struck down as one by a particularly virulent strain of Norovirus after eating a prepaid pizza delivered by fortuitous accident to your doorstep some evening in the near future, you will understand, too.

Sincerely,

[lukkucairi]

Dear Anne:

I appreciate the valid attempt to mess with my head, and the real effort you took at developing your penetrating stare.

Please go fvck yourself. I have dealt with old biddies far more intimidating than you, and I learned long ago not to let myself be defined by their idea of who I should be and what I should be doing.

sincerely,

Lulu

[Frieda]

dear colleague,

please, PLEASE stop talking about how your mouth hurts so much from an infection in your teeth and gums, and how you got it by brushing your teeth too hard and applying a teeth rinsing thing (god knows what that is) to it. don't tell me that it bleeds.. and i also really don't want to know that, now you're taking penicillin to take care of your infection, it gives you diarrea and that you went 5 times today. it's been 15 working days since i moved to your department and it's way, WAY too much information.

i really meant it when i asked if we could talk about something else..

thanks..
me

[Frieda]

dear colleague,

i'm really sorry to hear that the dentist broke off your tooth during your root canal. please don't show it to me again. i meant it when i asked you not to show it to me again.

thanks
me

[brightpearl]

Dear makers of the pharmaceutical product I oh so recently inhaled,

I strongly feel you should change the wording on your patient information sheet from "may cause feeling of shakiness" to:

"may cause patient to shake so violently that he or she could churn a pound of butter out of two-and-a-half ounces of nondairy creamer."

Also, might you have left out "spontaneous combustion" out of the list of rare-but-possible side effects? Just wondering. My eyelashes are burning faintly.

Thanks very much,
brightpearl

[Veruki]

Dear guy who spends way to much time frosting his tips,

Please stop giving me dirty looks when I bring my bicycle in the elevator. I think I'm rather polite about it, I don't go in if there is more then 1 other person. Most of the time I go in all by myself, and then others join. I've noticed you like to get here right at the moment the elevator door is closing, at which time I press the open button, so you won't have to wait for the next one. I do this out of the kindness of my heart. Having you there means I have to stop on an extra floor. If it bothers you that much, don't get in. Your F-350 bothers me, but you don't see me pouring sugar in your gas tank.

Thanks,
from the person who will no longer press the open button.

[Stephi_B]

Dear Universe,

Please keep an eye on him,
so I don't have to worry (too much)...

Thank you very much in advance,
xox,
Stephi

:)

[AllegroNg]

Dearest parents,
Please do not feed your children gassy foods right before their violin lesson.

Seriously,
Ms Angie

[priceyfatprude]

Dear New Girl,

You're smart, you're pretty, you're young, you're gonna change the world! I get all that.

Stop leaving your coffee, the splitter, your headset, your pad of paper, your pens, your phone list & cheat sheet I made you which you never bother to use, and your half eaten lunches on my desk. I am not your ****ing maid, Ms Diva Star.

Also please stop using bath & body works coconut musk lotion--it smells like coco cabana's older slutty cousin.

[brightpearl]

Dear boy of my acquaintance,

Oh dear.

I pray deeply that it's nothing serious and that your body recovers quickly, and that your heart grows some understanding that you're worthy of regard.

Pay close attention and you'll see that what you imagine are shortcomings are no hindrance to who you really are.

Aarrrrrghhh...
Sometimes I wish I could mother you as much as I wish I could father my own boy.

Sincerely,
brightpearl

[Frieda]

dear stinky colleague,

if you're going to tell me one more time that my body is broken, i will shatter your brain to pieces.

be warned.

me