Letters that get me through the day.

[priceyfatprude]

Dear Boss

I ****ing love you to pieces. I love that you stopped a confidential meeting & called me in only to ask me what planet your Mars was in. Yes, I will plot everyone else's charts, too. I'm glad I found a boss who didn't dismiss me as the crazy lady in the corner mumbling about planets. I haven't plotted a chart in years, I forgot how much fun it was. Thanks for letting me be me.

xoxox,

Peef

[Brynn]

Hi David -
Have I mentioned how great I think you are, directing this thing?
Today I'm home for the first time in a long time and it is "Calendar Day/wtf Am I Doing w/ My Life For The Next 40 Days?" Day :-)
So I'm looking at my schedule and trying to coordinate various professional and familial demands...

About these plans to have a midnight show - I realize that you need the revenue of as many shows as possible and yes, in theory, it would be "fun" to do a midnight show, but here's my own reality check that perhaps I wasn't able to make clear when we were making plans.
All I ask is this - remember that awful sinking feeling you all had when I suggested we rehearse in the morning?
If we prepare for the worst, then if things turn out well, it will be a pleasant surprise. Right now, things are looking pretty ugly for me no matter what is decided.
So, say we do it. Let's take a lighthearted look at my schedule:

Thursday evening - I get a typical parent's "good" night's sleep of about six hours.

Friday - my big milestone wedding anniversary. Up early at 7:00 am to get kids off to school. Work. Be home at 4:00 to make dinner and say hi to husband at 5:00.
Celebrate an impromptu anniversary until who knows when. Trying to create a safe space around this time. Turns out, husband was planning a surprise party, he revealed today.

Saturday - up early at 8:00 am after a few hours of sleep to get 2 sons to different baseball games throughout the afternoon and cheer enthusiastically because I've yet to go to any games thus far because of this show. Prepare as inconspicuously as possible for performance w/ script on the bleachers while other parents' kids are up to bat.
8:00 performance
Nap unsuccessfully between shows on pile of something lumpy.
Midnight performance. Let's even say it's a fully advertised, fully booked house in advance - as in "more than ten people." Knowing myself quite well, at this point I may have enough adrenaline/caffeine to be able to suck it up enough to form full sentences and remember most of my lines. How's everyone's emergency improv abilities?

Sunday - in bed by 2:30 am or 3:00 am or even 4:00 am depending on adrenaline levels desperately boosted by caffeine earlier.

I can cancel performance singing at church from 9:00am until 12:30, but I still have to awake at 8:00am anyway to feed kids. It's possible I can nap for an hour or two after, but extremely unlikely. It was suggested I could sleep in, but since I'm not single and in my twenties anymore, I laugh inwardly into a hopeless void.

2:00 trainwreck matinee after not sleeping for at least six hours straight since Thursday. We all shrug it off, but unspoken resentment towards Brynn is palpable.

Strike. Get ready to duck at flying objects, or worse, try to figure out what Brynn is trying to communicate through tears - something about a divorce or "keeping car between the white dotted lines on the black flat thingy that you drive on."
Some undefined time later - Throw dinner at kids at some point after "mashed potatoes lampshade docket but who broke the gang member activity?"

I just don't know. By the time the 2:00 performance/strike rolls around, my friend brightpearl's phrase "crap in the sack" keeps coming to mind.
I can cancel celebrating my anniversary until after doing an added show on Friday if only to avoid snapping his poor head off on Sunday evening.

Anyway, just wondering again what other options are besides this "hell weekend" we're looking at :-). I'll make things work, regardless, but just inquiring for humanitarian reasons...
Your best friend always and forever - and yes, I'm just going to hit "send" -
brynn
"competent on six hours, brilliant with eight, shuffles and mumbles on four" - sunday ny times

[auntie aubrey]

dear coworker:

no, i don't want to hear every horrible tragic miscarriage and pregnancy medical emergency you've ever read about. it's not your job to ensure that i shed every ounce of naive joy at the prospect of my own pregnancy. it may surprise you to know that i have doctors. i see a perinatal specialist every two weeks and not an appointment has slipped past without the doctor reminding me of the potential risks and complications of carrying multiples. i'm aware. adequately. your pessimistic reminders are unnecessary. if i seem happy in spite of all of the gloom and doom and horror that you see (or hope to see) on the horizon, it's not due to ignorance. i'm aware. i just choose a different perspective on life and it's not your responsibility to correct my outlook. i know what can happen. yes, i know sometimes women die. yes, i know sometimes babies die. why you've taken it upon yourself to remind me of this information daily is beyond me.

oh really, you know someone who hemorrhaged in the last week of her pregnancy because the baby jammed his foot through her previous c-section scar? that's wonderful news. i'm so glad you chose to share. and the email you sent me yesterday about how researchers found a correlation (although not causation) between the lack of sleep in mothers of twins and severe, debilitating depression? magnificent work. i'm still trying to determine what "help" you were providing by sending that study my way, but my my my how horrible would my life have been if i'd never read about that!

it makes me wonder whether you're simply so miserable that another person's happiness chafes you. it makes me wonder whether you see yourself as a saint, spreading your pessimism disguised as realism to those around you.

the topper was today, when i shared the speechless gratitude that i feel towards my mother-in-law because she has taken it upon herself to fully furnish our nursery as a surprise. you opened your mouth and cocked your head in what was certainly a prelude to something negative. i asked you to keep your negative commentary to yourself. your response was, if memory serves, "well the only thing i'll say is enjoy it because you'll hate her soon enough."

why?

why is that necessary? and after you've said something like that do you feel better? does it feel like a pressure cooker releasing a gush of steam? does the negativity build up with such intensity behind your palate that you simply cannot continue your work without expressing it?

on the one hand i feel sorry for you. because, as the queen of cynicism, i can assure you that you must be way beyond the pale if you've crossed a line with me.

on the other hand i don't really care to feel sorry for you. if you're satisfied living in such a dark, hateful, negative space where you can't even summon up a half-hearted "yay" for someone in their moment of happiness, then congrats on finding your center in the darkest part of your psyche.

here's how it's going to work: we're currently in step 1, where i simply tell you what i think of your commentary. i keep it light, with just enough admonishment to hopefully embarrass the impulse out of you, at least where i'm concerned. step 2 will be when i take you into a side room and tell you that you've crossed the line and you're not going to be making these comments anymore. you're not going to enjoy that conversation. frankly neither will i, but i'm willing to have it. step 3 is when our manager gets involved.

i'm hoping that sometime between step 1 and step 2 i can just go on bedrest so i don't have to sit next to you and listen to your running deathwatch commentary every day. oh, you know a woman who went on bedrest in week 25 and ended up with bed sores and the world's worst case of cabin fever? i realize you shared this with me because i apparently shrugged off the deadly seriousness of bedrest as something that i can probably survive without much psychic damage. thank you for correcting my perspective on it. i now know that the absolute worst thing that can happen to me is bedrest. until you think of something else to share that will be the world's worst thing that will happen to me.

in short, zip it. that includes turning halfway around in your chair at random moments throughout the day and sighing, "man... i'm so glad i didn't have twins. i don't know what you're going to do," and then turning back around again. it's so far beyond reasonable, rational, well-adjusted behavior that i don't even have words to address that. so just zip it.

zip.

it.

thank you.
most certainly not your auntie

[brightpearl]

Bravo, Auntie. Brav-OH.

And nothing horrible has ever happened to any one of the many pregnant women I've come across in my day job, because come hell or high water I make certain they eat properly and have a good doctor or midwife, which I know you are taking care of yourself. You're absolutely right that you and babies two will be fine despite Ms. Freakazoid's bizarre Munchausen deathwish by proxy.

[auntie aubrey]

^ munchausen deathwish by proxy is a fantastic summary of her behavior. it's like she needs horrible things to happen to others but isn't actually bringing the harm on others herself. she's just getting a thrill off of the misery of others and in the absence of misery she tries to create it.

[Jack Flanders]

^ I had a neighbor who was trying to mess with my hormonal brain when I first got pregnant. 5 months after I conceived , she got knocked up. Oh my poor bitten tongue. Being me, I took the high road and tried to avoid her. It wasn't easy, but the hub was a great watchdog.

[Frieda]

dear stinky colleague,

you're dutch, i'm dutch. don't speak english to me all day long. it's weird. your "heya andy what's up mate" when you're talking on the phone with the british CIO is totally out of line. you're not only putting your stupidity on display, but you're also embarrassing everyone.

and "i'll check it out", "how are you doing today" and "whatcha wanna drink from the mean machine" pisses me off. ffs, speak DUTCH! the whole department is dutch! whatever language you try, i will reply in dutch.

YOU'RE A FWKING MORON!

thank you for your time.

me

[trisherina]

Dear Mr. Hitchens:

I have a great idea. Spend a weekend in a maximum-security federal prison. Whilst there, make every effort to carve out as much privacy for yourself as you can. Wear lip balm and shower at length.

Report on subsequent events! We shall all be impressed.

Best,

[priceyfatprude]

here's how it's going to work: we're currently in step 1, where i simply tell you what i think of your commentary. i keep it light, with just enough admonishment to hopefully embarrass the impulse out of you, at least where i'm concerned. step 2 will be when i take you into a side room and tell you that you've crossed the line and you're not going to be making these comments anymore. you're not going to enjoy that conversation. frankly neither will i, but i'm willing to have it. step 3 is when our manager gets involved.Holy. Carp.

I hate that in corporate America you aren't allowed to say to anyone, "Please don't speak to me anymore about anything that isn't work related." How I wish I could. On a daily basis.

How is it going now?

[brightpearl]

Dear daughter of some friends of some relatives of mine,

Well, it was nice of you to invite me.
However, the irritation I felt at suspecting that you were trying to set me up with your brother was only mildly tempered by the relief that you weren't hitting on me yourself.

What on earth would make you think he might be interested in me?!?
I met his ex fiancee at that dinner party a couple of years ago, you know. The only thing I remember about her is that she had enormous tits. And you and I both know perfectly well that he ripped her heart out by cheating on her with a girl who had even bigger tits.

And here I am over here, in the steadfastly normal range.

Besides, though he's nice to look at and I have to admit that his beurre blanc is excellent...

he's sort of a douchebag.

I'm sorry, but sometimes there's just no other word to really capture someone's essence.

So, um, NO.

In fact, HAYLE No.

But I hope you have a nice time. Go easy on the sauce.

Sincerely,
brightpearl

[T.I.P.]

dear god

please send me a girl with huge tits

i'll be happy to make beurre blanc for her

don't bother to give her a personality...that would only make things complicated

cheers

douchebag

[Brynn]

Dear Old Mr.Creepy Misogynist Toad Man -
You're old, which is fine. We all get old. It could be health problems that are making you so cranky, and you have nothing but sympathy from me about that. But you're also a creepy, misogynist toad, man. Quit being irritated by that which you despise most in yourself. Put the rocks down. You know, nobody is truly "nice" except for a few saints. Everyone's got bigger rocks they could throw, but most of the time they try to listen to that tiny voice of inner decency. Make peace with it, and leave me be.

[brightpearl]

Dear boy,
Dear bright, bright boy.
Oh, be well, please do your best to be well.
You don't know now how much everything and everyone wants you to be well, but you will someday
you will someday if you can just give up
let go and let us all hold you up.

Please feel this prayer rolled up and pushed tight into the cracks in this wailing wall.

From so near, from right in your ear,
brightpearl

[lukkucairi]

healer, heal yourself.

please, do this for the rest of us.

and thank you.

~ the crew

[Frieda]

dear evil overlord of the kidney stones,

please take your hobbits to isengard. i swear i could hear something rattle in there this morning :(

thanks,
me

[monkeyknifightz]

dear evil overlord of the kidney stones,

please take your hobbits to isengard. i swear i could hear something rattle in there this morning :(

thanks,
me

Dear Frieda,

Though my day has not begun a morning of praise to the porcelain goddess has, and so your letter has given me great fortitude and courage to make it from this day to the next.

Mucho gracias,
Senior Miguel

[Frieda]

dear sinus node,

calm down, you're fvcking things up again. i need to get some sleep, and if you keep on arranging everything at this high speed i'll never get my rest. now calm down, relax, because i don't feel like an entire night of atrium flutter again.

thank you for your kind assistance in this matter

~me

[Coffee]

Verizon,

Gah, to think I briefly had warm fuzzy thoughts about you after your phone service agent credited the entire amount of an incorrect bill.
To recap:
I signed up for your cell/data laptop plan on the understanding that If i canceled within 30 days I would only pay for the data I used. I canceled after a week because your overage charges, despite the agent saying you would not ever charge overages, were listed as .25 per MB over 5Gigs on a preliminary statement I recieved...which comes out to a potential 250+ dollars per gig overage charges. Sprint on the other hand said in writing that they would disconnect users that used over their limit 2 out of 3 months and would NOT charge overage charges...so I decided Sprint had the potentialy cheaper plan in the event of overages and I canceled the Verizon service after using only 500MB of data.

Welll...U chaged me 61.00 for 500MB of data used out of 5Gigs available. I called to complain which is when the "nice" agent canceled all charges.
2 days later the "mean" agent left a voice mail saying that Verizon's charges were valid and my "credit request" was denied.
SOOOO i called back and another "mean agent" verified that mean agent #1 was correct and I owed for "full cost for connection charges, 1 week of insurance charges, some fees, etc etc. NONE of which had been mentioned by the selling agent or I would NEVER Have signed up in the first place.

So I asked the agent and I ask u Verizon...HOW does one try out a 30 day trial without connecting? How does a company charge full cost of a connection charge for one week of service for a charge that should be spread over a 2 yr contract???

I just submited a detailed complaint to the FTC bureau of consumer protection. And I told the last mean agent that they can just send the bill to collections. I'll be telling the collection agent on the first call to "never call again" as is my right by law.

And I'll be posting my review of my brief and unsatisfactory relationship with Verizon on my most visited message boards.

**** u Verizon.

[lukkucairi]

to my adrenal glands:

enough already.

it's coming on 3am and you've been dumping into my bloodstream for way over three hours. I really need some sleep, and I'm tired of the panic-go-round.

please, at least take a union break.

[madasacutsnake]

Dear Crackhead,

I never lose.

What's more, there's never much left of my opponent after the battle is over.

Game on, if you dare.


Snake
xxx

[lukkucairi]

Dear Mr. D:

Do you want my book of business? I don't think I care any more.

sincerely,

Luks

[Frieda]

dear self,

well done! :)

sincerely,
me

[MoJoRiSin]

Dear Frieda,
without you this whole thing would have been
utterly impossible.
With my sincerest Love, gratitude and respect....
yours truly,
Mo

[Frieda]

^credit goes to ze :o

[Frieda]

dear KLPD,

please stop hiding those asshole cameras behind the trees along the A1. 2 speeding tickets in 2 days is not cool. please allow me to drive 160 with my improbability drive or else the journey to the western spiral arm of the galaxy will take even more than 2 hours. i promise not to cause any accidents, ok?

thanks,
me

[Frieda]

dear bossman,

you suck big blue monkey balls.

[lukkucairi]

Dear Trevor

I love you very much. I am going to miss you. I'm glad you're going home again, but I am going to miss you.

It's not useful for your friends to talk about how much we will miss you all the time, but when you leave there will be a massive hole torn in the social fabric. The crew will continue and evolve, but my god, your absence will hurt.

It's always the easier path to be the one leaving. I've left, and I've been left. I know which one I'd rather do.

You'll land on your feet. This has been a long time coming. Life has much more planned for you than the curtailed existence you've been living in this valley.

Your friends will not forget you, and we won't let you go from our hearts.

love,

Lulu

[Brynn]

Verizon,

Gah, to think I briefly had warm fuzzy thoughts about you after your phone service agent credited the entire amount of an incorrect bill.
To recap:
I signed up for your cell/data laptop plan on the understanding that If i canceled within 30 days I would only pay for the data I used. I canceled after a week because your overage charges, despite the agent saying you would not ever charge overages, were listed as .25 per MB over 5Gigs on a preliminary statement I recieved...which comes out to a potential 250+ dollars per gig overage charges. Sprint on the other hand said in writing that they would disconnect users that used over their limit 2 out of 3 months and would NOT charge overage charges...so I decided Sprint had the potentialy cheaper plan in the event of overages and I canceled the Verizon service after using only 500MB of data.

Welll...U chaged me 61.00 for 500MB of data used out of 5Gigs available. I called to complain which is when the "nice" agent canceled all charges.
2 days later the "mean" agent left a voice mail saying that Verizon's charges were valid and my "credit request" was denied.
SOOOO i called back and another "mean agent" verified that mean agent #1 was correct and I owed for "full cost for connection charges, 1 week of insurance charges, some fees, etc etc. NONE of which had been mentioned by the selling agent or I would NEVER Have signed up in the first place.

So I asked the agent and I ask u Verizon...HOW does one try out a 30 day trial without connecting? How does a company charge full cost of a connection charge for one week of service for a charge that should be spread over a 2 yr contract???

I just submited a detailed complaint to the FTC bureau of consumer protection. And I told the last mean agent that they can just send the bill to collections. I'll be telling the collection agent on the first call to "never call again" as is my right by law.

And I'll be posting my review of my brief and unsatisfactory relationship with Verizon on my most visited message boards.

**** u Verizon.

Dear Ver-lie-zone,
Thank you so much for news of the hostile takeover of Quest, our last reasonable refuge for cell-phone coverage. You've screwed us over on so many bills, culminating in the ridiculous $175 charge for "early contract termination" based on dates that you yourself provided, that we just decided to leave that one on the books. Come and pry it out of my corpse's fingers.
You will find a way to work it into our billing somehow, I'm sure. We really thought we were done with you.
But this recent bad news now means that we have to replace all of our cell phones to buy your cell phones. I liked my cell phone. And once again we have to submit ourselves to your shoddy bookkeeping and crappy, dishonest management style. I hat you with a passion. Here in America, corporations have been granted "personhood" status. That makes you a sociopath and a thief. I hat you. Did you hear me? I hat you.
Your new customer - again, ffs - Brynn

[Frieda]

Dear government of Great Britain,

Please keep Geert Wilders in your customs detention centre until everybody forgets about him. We do not want him shipped back.

Thank you for your kind assistance in this matter.

Yours,
Frieda

[Coffee]

Dear Little Black Bird,

How very fortunate you are that rice, due to it's unsuitable shape, does not function well as sling shot. Just you wait till i get some candy sprinkles you little shitter.

Love,
Capt. Coffee.

[Frieda]

Dear Captain Coffee,

if you're trying to scare off the bird, flinging food is not a very good solution. birds like food. they like food so much they keep coming to places where there's an abundancy of it.

yours truly,
Frieda

[lukkucairi]

Dear You

I am sick and tired of living in this house of pain.

I want us to be together because we want to be, not because it's the default and we share a mortgage.

When you got angry with me this morning, I didn't particularly feel sad about it. You SHOULD be angry with me. God knows I'm angry with you. It's not your fault or my fault, it's just a pile of shit and hurt feelings and old, old damage. I realized that I cannot caretake my way out of the situation. I can't fix you, but I can try to fix me and give you the space to fix yourself. I love you hugely - you are a wonderful, kind, caring man who has spent years and years completely and arbitrarily shutting me out, and I can't stand sitting here in this shit-puddle of resentment toward you any longer. We need space.

love,

Lu

[lukkucairi]

Dear Mamacita

I don't know shit about shit, but I'm worried and I'd like not to be. Can you help?

sincerely,

Luks

[lukkucairi]

Dear Vodafone,

I know it looks a bit like I'm trying to commit fraud, but I promise I'm not. I know I have a zillion different home addresses, and a joint sterling bank account with my mother, and I know you've never heard of me before on this side of the Atlantic. All that informational mess is what you get when you're stuck trying to figure out connectivity in a situation like mine. Just let me buy minutes so I can talk to my husband and stay sane. Great Zarquon, who do I need to talk to in order to straighten this shit out?

best,

Luks

[Frieda]

dear lukku,

prepaid helps. a lot!

xx
me

[Frieda]

dear accountmanager,

you idiot, what kind of pitch is that to send out to clients?? you should've used my own pitch ....... MORON

"******* has great experience in the field of ITIL processes."

wtf, seriously.. all your base are belong to us. you have no chance to survive make your time.

"During her work as Incident Coordinator and Problem Coordinator she has successfully carried out an improvement plan for a Change Management department. "

not during. after. incident coordinator, problem coordinator, change management consultant.

move zig. for great justice.

yours,
me

[lukkucairi]

dear lukku,

prepaid helps. a lot!

xx
me

Dear Frieds

It's getting the prepayment TO them, on an island where they aren't :p Essentiallly: TAKE MY MONEY! PLEASE! You'd think they'd have no problem with that kind of thing!

I figured something out, somewhat - they do at least have very polite email respondents in Bangalore

love,

Luks

[brightpearl]

Dear life:

Please stop making me feel like this:
http://cuteoverload.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/att7533496.jpg

not LOL,
brightpearl

[lukkucairi]

Dear Cold Virus:

Not now.

love,

Luks

[Coffee]

Dear Poison Oak,

AAAAAaaaaaggghghghggh.
wuhhuuuuuuuuoooooooo.
Gringrngrngdndgrindgrrrrr.
AAAAAAGHGHGHGGHAAAGGH.


I want to scratch u so badly, but i won't...u bastard.

AAAAAaaaAAAAAaauUUUahahahaggghhhh.

Sincerely,
Me.

[Jack Flanders]

Dear Greenhead fly. Yes you did bite my ankle and calf many times last weekend and I did develop crazy (big-ass) ankle/leg swelling painful welts. I hat you. Landscaper Bitch

[Anna]

Dear Bureaucracy,

Greetings,
Do you know what you can do with your red tape?

Sincerely,
That's Really None Of Your Business


p.s. that's quite a crappy job you have there, did you win it in one of life's little failures? My sympathies.

[MoJoRiSin]

^ :D that made me laugh :D

[YsaPur EsChomuw]

Dear colleagues,

could you please stop asking so many irrelevant questions? These are the final exams, not the bloody inquisition. And besides, it's too late to teach anything the poor things now.
More importantly, I really want to go home. Now.

Thank you in advance for your cooperation.

a bored-to-anger colleague

[Frieda]

^print the image of the shut up man and pin it on your back. no questions asked, guaranteed :D

[YsaPur EsChomuw]

^ VERRRY good idea! Too late now, but in three months' time the next batch of students will leave the school. I'm planning to make a SUHT UP poster onn-a-stick... and stick it in the face of those who will lose their concept of time and space.

[Frieda]

^i did that 2 assignments ago, worked very well. the bossman there asked me for a full color printout, which i made, and to my surprise he came into the office the next day, proudly handing out laminated full color copies of the suhtup man. :):)

[YsaPur EsChomuw]

^ I doubt police officers would have that much sense of humour, but maybe they'll get the point.

[lukkucairi]

Dear You,

We'll survive this catastrophic depressurization, I think.

love, Me.

[brightpearl]

Dear Vietnamese restaurant what I patronaged not 'alf an hour ago,

Many years back I began frequenting your establishment. Your offerings reminded me of aspects of my childhood -- the smell of cilantro, the bite of fresh slender chilis, the crisp sweetness of homemade rice wrappered eggrolls so heavenly that Richard Nixon would beg forgiveness in return for just one.

Plus, my grandmother could tolerate your Moo Goo Gai Pan.

In recent years, however, things have slipped a bit. Your pho noodles got shorter. Your beansprouts got browner. You took #17 off the menu.

I won't lie; that one stung.

Yet still I would come by on occasion, hoping things would have turned around. Under new management?
How 'bout now?

Alas.
Today, because you still have not restored #17 to the menu, I ordered "Broccoli with Spicy Garlic Sauce." What I received, so lovingly and promisingly origamied into a brown paper sack, is not Vietnamese food. I don't know what it is. There are 5 pieces of broccoli in it, for one thing. And the rice is not the blessed semi-translucent, eversoslightly sticky Vietnamese version any more; it is Uncle Freaking Ben's. Also...and I can't stress this enough...it is totally devoid of both spiciness AND GARLIC. It is somehow at once both watery and cloyingly sweet.

Lastly.
The eggroll.

Child. WHAT. IS. THIS?

It is pasty and wheat wrapped. It is soggy. I asked for the one you call "vegetarian" on the menu. There's no meat in it, I'll grant you. However, neither are there any VEGETABLES. It's entirely filled with vermicelli. Vile-icelli.

This is not Vietnamese food. It is so goddamn far from Vietnamese food that it thinks Viet Nam war was over who made the best pork rinds.

I don't know what it is.
I'm sad.

Brightpearl

PS
Wait.
Appallingly sticky yet lacking in substance...
Extensively wheat based...
Fried beyond all reason...

This is American food.
Fvckers.
:mad:

[brightpearl]

Dear people who recently interviewed Stephi,

You would be nuts not to take her. Plus it would make your karma all gray and sticky and filled with dust bunnies, like a Thai bubble tea that you left under your bed for 6 weeks.

No one wants that.

I hope you do what's best for everyone then.

Sincerely,
Ms. B. Pearl, Esq., PhD, MBA, RNFA, AC/DC

[brightpearl]

Dear The Mother's Boyfriend,

I truly pray that some day the enormity of what you've done to that child washes over you, burning into your mouth and throat until you can't swallow food, that it knocks you so hard your arms curl into your chest, your legs turn hopelessly inward, and you no longer know how to make eye contact with people who call your name. Just for a minute, even though it's going to be a lifelong minute for the child. I pray this not with vengeance in my heart, but with my best attempt at compassion -- it's the only way you'll ever learn to be uplifted.

There's nothing to be done to make up for it, anyway.

You've got a long road ahead. I hope you do well for the sake of everyone around you.

Sincerely,
brightpearl

PS I'm not sure I got through the day in one piece, actually, letter or not.

[Brynn]

^ try as I might, I've got no compassion for a sort like that. Thinking much worse thoughts here.

[lukkucairi]

Dear Tiffany Shlain

Thank you for having such an awesome Dad, and for unknowingly sharing his unconditional love with me and thousands of other people in need of mentoring.

namaste',

Luks

[MoJoRiSin]

This particular joke won an award
> >
> > for the best joke competition organized in Britain:
> >
> > A man walks into a bar in London and ordered 3-glasses of
> > beer
> > and sits in the backyard of the room, drinking a sip out of
> > each one in
> > turn.
> > When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and
> > orders 3 more.
> > The bartender asks him, "You know, beer goes flat after I
> > fill it in the
> > glass; it would taste better if you buy one at a time."
> > The man replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One
> > is in
> > Dubai, the other in Canada and I'm here in London.
> > When they left home, we promised that we'll drink this way
> > to remember
> > the days when we drank together.
> >
> > The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves
> > it there.
> > The man became a regular in the bar, and always drinks the
> > same way.
> > He order 3-Beers and drinks them in turn.
> > One day, he came in and ordered only 2-Beers All the other
> > regulars
> > notice and fall silent.
> >
> > When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the
> > bartender says,"
> > I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to
> > offer my sincere
> > condolences on your great loss. "
> > The man looked confused for a moment, then he laughs ....
> > "Oh, no,"
> > he, said, "Everyone's fine - both my brothers are alive" .
> >
> > " The only thing is
> > ............ ...
> > ............ ...
> > ............ ...
> > ............ ...
> > ............ ...
> > ............ ...
> > ............ ...
> > ............ ...
> > ............ ...
> > ............ ..
> > ............ ...
> > ............ ..
> >i j u s t q u i t d r i n king!!
spaces added

[MoJoRiSin]

I might as well
Get this out in the open

I have decided it's time to ask for some help








(I am a rare person
This is my first stab at this)
Please stay tuned
I get off work at 5pm cst
Sometime prior to six o'clock
I will have figured out how to word

it

I feel sure I will be back on my feet soon
So please know

This is temporary

Thank you,
Thank you very much
In advance of course

Yours truly,
(Since before the stars were born)
Your friend in pen

Lyn
Sure hope you are laughing and not crying : )

[MoJoRiSin]

this is not my cup of tea
:) :) :)
here goes::

i would like to
gladly request 50 people to sent me 30 dollars
to cove the
rest
of something.....
thank you for your kind assistant in this matter

L.A.H.G.
MoJoRiSin (Ink)
c/o
The Granduca
1080 Uptown Park Blvd.
Houston, TX 77056
(#612 maybe)

[COLOR="DimGray"]please drop by
if you can

actually i am depending on you

to do so

later on i may need 1000 people to chip in
28,000
who knows?

[brightpearl]

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/Z-cT8Qe7y3k" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

[xfox]

^so true

Thank you for letting me know how busy you were what with your family dilemma and for not putting your heart into your daily activities. I will someday learn that love comes first, tho' sometimes late. Better never late, because the effect just isn't the same.

[brightpearl]

$11,860. (http://www.lettersofnote.com/2012/01/to-my-old-master.html)

Plus interest.

The most amazing letter I've ever read. I'm so glad it's seen the light of day.

[Coffee]

^wow...fantastic site pearl...i just kept reading letter after letter, about 2 hours worth. Amazing stuff there. tyty.

[brightpearl]

Dear lady with the bumper sticker that reads "I wasn't born a bitch; men like you make me that way",

It sounds like at least one awful thing may have happened to you in life. I am sorry. You didn't deserve it.

But, the man stopped behind you at this red light might be the man I know who is a patient advocate who had a doctor censured for treating his female patients poorly, or another man I know who raised his two lovely daughters alone after his wife, whom he loved dearly and cared for tirelessly, passed away from MS. In a few years, it might be my beloved tweenager, who I am doing my very best to guide to compassionate manhood, and who bests me at times with his own instincts. It probably doesn't serve you to lump them in with louts any more than it serves them.

Mainly, though, I wish I could tell you that although I think you are intending to shift blame for some bad things in your life, you are really just shifting power. Blame doesn't need shifting. Whoever deserves it has it in heaven's eyes. But to paraphrase Eleanor Roosevelt, no one can make you a bitch without your permission. You deserve more, and you will be able to give more to others if you take ownership of your life. This is the only way you will be happy.

I hope for the best for you.

xo,
Pearly

[Odbe]

Dear lunch lady,
I understand you might probably hate your job and that's terrible. But would it hurt to fake a smile every now and then? You have a scary face and I'm quite shy.
Yours sincerely,
one of the faceless hungry masses.

[Brynn]

Dear Willamette Writer's Conference -
Thank you so much for the honor of including me in the semi-finals for your "Script to Screen" competition. I can't tell you how encouraging that is! However, on the announcement list, my name was spelled "Brynn Barson" instead of "Brynn Baron" which is only my acting pseudonym. My real name that I prefer to write under is "Joan-Carrol Banks" - I thought I'd mentioned that on my entry, but I apologize for any confusion I might have created.
Even if I'm not looking at my actual name on that list, it's still a thrill :-)
Thank you again for all courtesies, and I can't wait to see the final product. I am at your service for any production help you might need -
All the best,
Joan-Carrol Banks

[xfox]

Dear Willamette Writer's Conference,

Although I regret certain spelling errors, I am glad to learn that Joan-Carrol Banks made the semi-finals in the "Script to Screen" competition. I would certainly have missed this news otherwise and look forward to finding out more about her entry.

All the best,
A Fan

[Brynn]

Thanks darlin' :-) More bragging: mine made it to finals and stopped there, but I then got to produce and cast the winning screenplay into a lovely leetle film:
Alis Volat Propriis (http://www.facebook.com/groups/140990576038724/)

Dear son's girlfriend,
It really is okay to knock on the door instead of texting him that you're here. I will be happy to open for you and invite you in. We can even talk to one another. I like you just fine!
Love,
Your boyfriend's mom

[brightpearl]

Dear Admitting,
It's true the many possible terms can get confusing. As they say, the doctor's job is mainly to tell you what you just told him/her, only in Latin. So to help with some of the difficulties, here is just a tiny partial list of some admitting conditions which actually do not exist.
Fun fact: Some of these are not even words!


Hypnotremia (The correct term is hyponatremia, unless their blood cells were indeed hypnotized.)
Severe enema (I think you were going for "anemia." Enemas are really different.)
CAB (Coronary artery Disease, or were you perhaps trying to get to the airport?)
Deep vein trombonsis (Although it would be a problem to have a trombone stuck in your leg vein, I think you meant thrombosis.)
Diabetic chemo (Coma? keto-acidosis? You'll have to help me out here.)
Non-healing wood (Oh dear. I'm going to hope you meant wound.)
Ruptured fibnoid (Fibroid, most likely.)
Ridiculopathy (There are people who should be treated for pathological ridiculousness, I'll grant you, but it would probably be outpatient. The word you're looking for is radiculopathy, a nerve condition.)


Hope this helps!
brightpearl

[Frieda]

^:D :D

[Brynn]

Oh my, patient seems to be suffering from webemdeeitis, :)

[brightpearl]

Dear my son's teacher,
You replied to my email with a positive and helpful attitude. Good job! However, I humbly suggest you do not use Comic Sans as your default font in future emails. At least 2 of the other parents are in web design, and they're not going to be as open-minded as I am. Frankly, even I'm having a little bit of a hard time with it. I keep wondering whether your handwritten notes have little dots in place of all the serifs.

Might I suggest Tahoma or Verdana? Both clean and easy to read. Or perhaps Century Gothic - lovely roundness to that one, a bit reminiscent of a teacher's best chalkboard handwriting.

You may be tempted by the exotic wiles of Papyrus as you resolve to look for something with less whimsy and more old-school gravitas, but don't be fooled. Papyrus is a lying bastard.

Best of luck!
Mrs. Brightpearl

[funkytuba]

Dear my son's teacher,
You replied to my email with a positive and helpful attitude. Good job! However, I humbly suggest you do not use Comic Sans as your default font in future emails. At least 2 of the other parents are in web design, and they're not going to be as open-minded as I am. Frankly, even I'm having a little bit of a hard time with it. I keep wondering whether your handwritten notes have little dots in place of all the serifs.

Might I suggest Tahoma or Verdana? Both clean and easy to read. Or perhaps Century Gothic - lovely roundness to that one, a bit reminiscent of a teacher's best chalkboard handwriting.

You may be tempted by the exotic wiles of Papyrus as you resolve to look for something with less whimsy and more old-school gravitas, but don't be fooled. Papyrus is a lying bastard.

Best of luck!
Mrs. Brightpearl



^- or Garamond with its assymetrical capital T

[brightpearl]

Dear Admitting,

"Pancreatits"?

Really?

*sigh*

Sincerely,
brightpearl