If/Then......

[Marcus Bales]

then people will say you're in love.

If the sun refused to shine

[craig johnston]

i'd know i was in britain.


if all you hepcats and groovy chicks....

[Marcus Bales]

then all us cool dudes and fly babes.

If there were no hypotheticals

[craig johnston]

everything would be actual.


if it actually was hypothetical

[Marcus Bales]

then nothing.

If nothing were really a thing

[trisherina]

...then people would fight over it.

If you were the wizard of a thousand kings...

[Marcus Bales]

then you'd be pretty busy sorting out the ethics of whether to zap the one who told you to zap the other, or the other who told you to zap the one, but multiplied by an order of magnitude.

If Craig were only in love with Trish instead of Smelley ...

[craig johnston]

it would be understandable due to her swishiness.


if all the matter in the universe were condensed into a pinhead

[Marcus Bales]

Then people who know me would say I was infinitely dense.

If I fall in love

[craig johnston]

with my sofa it will be unrequited.


if a monkey could write 'hamlet'

[Marcus Bales]

then a lemur could write 'Lear'


if George Washington were alive today

[trisherina]

...then he'd have extensive cosmetic dentistry.

If all the snow melts on the mountain...

[Marcus Bales]

we can make love in the icy stream ... er, okay, then, maybe not.

If the icy stream were, say, 80 degrees Fahrenheit ...

[trisherina]

...then skiing would become difficult.

If David Hasselhoff gets chubby...

[craig johnston]

he could 'black up' and play the lead role in 'the chubby checker story'


if mars attacked

[Marcus Bales]

hershey would counter-attack


If Hasselhof were elected Pope

[craig johnston]

frieda would become a nun.

if only we could all love each other

[trisherina]

...then lyrics would get pretty boring.

If Chuck and Camilla have an octobebe...

[Marcus Bales]

then they'd have to name it Octothorpe.

If I knew what an octobebe was

[Hyakujo's Fox]

you'd never to be able to eat spaghetti without meatballs again.

If two and two made five...

[Marcus Bales]

then you'd have to have very large values for 2

If John Rogers Cox had never been to Kansas

[Clytie]

if everything works out...i might see a monkey this weekend!

[craig johnston]

^^^^
this isn't the thread killers thread!
:rolleyes:


if i wear my new undies tonight...

[Mary]

then i won't be caught with dirty ones if i die while sleeping.

If I go take a leak now...

[Marcus Bales]

then I can ignore Marcus's if/then.


If there is snow in April

[craig johnston]

there'll be hail in may, sleet in june and landslides in july.



if i could just get my zip undone....

[Malmal11787]

then i could pose for this underwear commercial.


if i dont go into work today....

[craig johnston]

the world will fall apart.

if you do what you do when you do

[Malmal11787]

then you'll get what you get when you get it


if you drive too slow...

[Marcus Bales]

you're not going too fast

If we give Mars back to the Martians

[Malmal11787]

Then Marcus won't have a place to live.


If my dog throws up on the rug....

[craig johnston]

i will behead it.


if two wrongs did make a right....

[Marcus Bales]

Then Malmal would be good

If you don't get your way all the time

[trisherina]

Then you're probably an adult.

If the sun shines while it's raining...

[craig johnston]

it's, like, a methaphor about life, you know, how it's bad one
minute and good the next and sometimes both at the same time.


if you keep jostling me like that....

[Mary]

then I'll have to slap you in the face with a wet noodle.

If you find you're stuck in deciding on your college major...

[xfox]

then maybe you'll be lost in the jungle forever

If you wish upon a star

[craig johnston]

you'd better wish for a spaceship to get you home again.


if you knew zroe like i know zoer....

[trisherina]

...then I'd have a tube of Preparation H in my bedside drawer.

If the elevator cable breaks and you jump just before you hit the bottom of the shaft...

[craig johnston]

you might sprain your ankle



if elvis were alive...

[funkytuba]

...he'd weigh 463 lbs and drive around in a hummer.

If I don't stop stirring up shit everywhere...

[Klynne]

Some one will surely kick your ass.

If we ever survive George Bush...

[Marcus Bales]

then we'll probably get someone worse.

If you count a dog's tail as a leg,

[Brynn]

then we might have to recalculate all those dog years as well.

If I don't report my neighbor to the police,

[Marcus Bales]

then he probably won't kill me when he makes bail.

If people were smarter

[Brynn]

then I'd be out of a job

if he'd only try running with the scissors

[Marcus Bales]

then we might be rid of him.

If I remember to buy the Seychelles

[craig johnston]

i'll have somewhere to go next winter.


if that doesn't work...

[Marcus Bales]

then we'll start a business selling Seychelles by the seashore


if I were taller

[Brynn]

then that poor Napoleon type who delivers your mail would feel even shorter and more powerless than ever, and might "go postal" sooner rather than later.

If "ifs" and "buts" were candy and nuts

[craig johnston]

i'd have some big nuts.


if i could get free willy...

[Brynn]

then you could invite someone over to listen to the director's commentary on the DVD with you :rolleyes:

if killer whales could get free willy

[craig johnston]

they could invite someone over to listen to something or other...


if things get any better...

[Brynn]

I might have to hurt myself laughing

if I let voice mail pick up

[Malmal11787]

Then i don't have to hear Brynn rambling.


If my car drove straight...

[craig johnston]

i could stop going round in circles


if only you knew

[Marcus Bales]

then you'd die from happiness

If Craig won the lottery

[trisherina]

...then he could pay for my eBay binge.

If you keep your hands over your eyes...

[Marcus Bales]

then Trish may take off her socks, too!


if you coat your lips with it

[craig johnston]

you can kiss penguins without fear of infection.


if people stopped skiing...

[Marcus Bales]

then we could end the part of global warming that the heat from their bodies is causing.

If nothing else works

[craig johnston]

try rubbing marmite on it.


if only you understood....

[Marcus Bales]

then you'd forget.


If too many cooks broil the sloth

[Malmal11787]

then there wont be enough for all of them.


if sloth broils the cooks....

[craig johnston]

then books soil the cloth.


if i get my hands on you...

[skip intro]

i'll rub you down gently with a soothing oil.


if a chicken crossed the road

[craig johnston]

it would be because it wanted to get to the other side.


if i make a grammatical error

[NimbleMarmoset]

taint nosebodies bidness bhut mind, wasn't it?

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v208/bevelheadgrl/juggler.gif


If you would only hear what I'm saying

[craig johnston]

you would know what i mean.



if i could only say what i'm hearing

[Frieda]

we'd all hear the most annoying sound of the world



if i buy that lamp tomorrow

[craig johnston]

i can light up your life.


if i could sing a rainbow

[karma_queen]

i'd sing a rainbow too

if i knew the rest of that song

[craig johnston]

i'd puke.


if someone put a pea under karma queen's mattress

[karma_queen]

i'd realise and be able to marry some prince

if someone put a pea under craig's mattress

[craig johnston]

it would get squashed.


if people would only stop leaving peas all over the place..

[zenbabe]

Then i would finally stop visualizing whirled peas....

If that past comes back to haunt me...

[Marcus Bales]

then watch out for the fat man looking for the falcon.

If money were free

[trisherina]

...then finally doughheads everywhere would understand the basic tenets of monetarism.

If you give 8% of your income to retirement savings over 40 years

[Audreyvgs]

I'd have $12.89 to retire on!


If your mother called,

[craig johnston]

i would be polite, but firm.


if men sat to pee

[Hyakujo's Fox]

we'd still miss.


if I find out who's been stealing my peanuts

[Marcus Bales]

then it'll be a sad day in free-peanut-ville.

If it gets done by Thursday

[craig johnston]

the building of the first trans atlantic tunnel will have
been completed in record time.



if you touch me there

[skip intro]

i'll call the police.


if you had a clue about anatomy

[Marcus Bales]

then would our rivets rub together flashing sparks into the night...


sailor's delight

[craig johnston]

what was your mother's nickname again inf?


if he catches me

[Marcus Bales]

Will your boss will fire you for masturbating in his office?


pas de deux

[craig johnston]

i'm sorry, did you say pass the salt?


because they can't aim straight so it goes on the floor.

[Marcus Bales]

Why do the cats sit so close to the beginner cow-milkers?


standing up, not sitting down

[Hyakujo's Fox]

...then you guys are in the wrong thread.


If this rain doesn't let up soon...

[Marcus Bales]

then I'll get water on the brain and think I'm in the wrong thread again.


If the moderators would only do their jobs

[Malmal11787]

then marcus wouldn't complain so much.


if my new car actually runs today....

[craig johnston]

i'll be able to visit the fabulously attractive smellyrayzin.


if chewing gum

[skip intro]

causes impotence, why do rap stars still do it?



if i feel unnecessary

[Marcus Bales]

then you're not doing your part to save the world.


If trees were blue

[craig johnston]

they'd be the wrong colour 'cos red is the colour tonight!!!!
:D

wups! sorry, errrm.......

if money could buy happiness...

[Marcus Bales]

Then Audreyvgs would be happy -- she's got more money than God.

If terminal patients could kill just one person before they died

[NimbleMarmoset]

the headlines would read "HMO providers go in hiding en masse"


If I could only get that spot on Fear Factor

[Brynn]

then you wouldn't have to Windex your T.V. screen for another month.

If a dog growls

[craig johnston]

kick it again, only harder this time.


if animals could speak

[Brynn]

they'd say "Blah blah blah Ginger."

if Guinness Is Good For You

[craig johnston]

why does it make your shits black?


if that don't make you happy...

[skip intro]

i don't know.


if you spill gravy on your shirt...

[Marcus Bales]

then the dog will lick you there.

If that doesn't work

[craig johnston]

give up.


if the loonies take over the asylum...

[Frieda]

they will make me the Empress.



if i email back my ex

[Max Headroom]

Then someone will be getting lucky soon...


If i quit this s#it ass job

[craig johnston]

then i can become an air traffic controller, like frieda.


if oerz were human....

[Marcus Bales]

then what would that make Craig Johnston?


If you have fine Corinthian leather

[NimbleMarmoset]

you haven't been wearing enough sunblock.


If you made a list of the hearts Trish has broken

[craig johnston]

you would need several pens.



if i had a clue

[Marcus Bales]

then it'd probably be clue mating season after you've rubbed clue pheromones all over your body and done the clue mating dance for a bunch of clues in heat.

If I say tira lira lira

[craig johnston]

all my dreams will come true.


if i met a sea robin

[Brynn]

you could tickle his little webbed feet.

If the batteries are dead

[craig johnston]

you won't be able to attain arousal with the
'realistic rotating head' function.


if you upset a beaver

[Marcus Bales]

then you've got to expect a lot annoying chittering and tail-slapping.

If all goes well

[craig johnston]

i'll go to hell.


if you check inside smellyrayzin's lunchbox....

[Marcus Bales]

then you'll probably get sent to the principal's office!


If someone offers you an elephant for $200

[craig johnston]

think long and hard about storage.


if the sun refuses to shine....

[Marcus Bales]

then I will still be loving you

if you squeeze my lemon

[Max Headroom]

I might fall right outa bed.


When the levey breaks

[Marcus Bales]

I'll have no place to stay

When I read the letter you wrote me

[craig johnston]

i will realise that i was supposed to start with 'if'.


if harry potter is killed off....

[Marcus Bales]

It won't be because he's a pedant like Craig Johnston.


If I say when

[craig johnston]

i really mean if.


when harry potter meets his doom...

[trisherina]

...then perhaps a few pills from his doctor will make the fiery goblet sensations go away. Hard to say.

If you wake up in the morning and you fall out of bed...

[NimbleMarmoset]

tis indicative of a very good night indeed.


If push comes to shove. . .

[craig johnston]

then shove will cook him some dinner.


if i said 'wibble'....

[Hyakujo's Fox]

...then I wouldn't hold it against you.

If coffee had never been invented...

[NimbleMarmoset]

I certainly would miss his postings on this portal.

If I could spend the whole night alone with . . .

[madasacutsnake]

.....out the hellish sound of continual snoring and not be woken up out of a deep sleep at 6am after working until midnight by a hacking cough which also woke up the child meaning that I then had to deal with her on a minimal of sleep and even less coffee then I may not have to kill him.

If I put a pillow over his head.................

[craig johnston]

he would be more attractive.



if harry potter is ripped to shreds by wild pitbulls.....

[Frieda]

surbhi wouldn't survive :eek:




if i clean my house today

[craig johnston]

my cleaner will be miffed.


if ziggy played guitar.....

[Max Headroom]

Then he would play it left hand, but make it too far.


If all the world is my oyster

[craig johnston]

then my future's a clam.



if you go down in the tube station at midnight...

[Hyakujo's Fox]

...then you're going underground.


If you ask in a strange town...

[Marcus Bales]

then you'll get a strange night spot.

If it were up to you

[Max Headroom]

Then I would have let me off for being such a nice guy.



If I had a million dollars.

[Marcus Bales]

Then you would have gotten off whether you were a nice guy or not.


j'accuse!

[Max Headroom]

Coupable...


If I decide to stay home in cowtown a little longer

[craig johnston]

i'll end up talking even more bull.


if rune t ever gets over his hangover...

[Marcus Bales]

he'll go help Nimble with her shark

if he gets there too late

[craig johnston]

he won't come on time.



if there were any justice in this world...

[trisherina]

...then dandelions would be as sought after as orchids.

If ifs and ands were pots and pans...

[joppa.gal]

... I'd have to do a lot more opening kitchen gifts than talking to my reception guests.

If I had a nickel for every time someone asked me, "What's the Dilly-Yo?",...

[craig johnston]

i would be homeless.


if i knew how to

[skip intro]

build a dirigible, i would.


if jesus t were president

[craig johnston]

i would emigrate.


if the entire chinese population jumped up and down at the same time....

[Hyakujo's Fox]

... then cj's tour of the far east will have been a success.


If the rumours are true...

[skip intro]

paris hilton was seen with the pope last friday.



if we could only find the holy grail.....

[craig johnston]

we could take the rest of the day off.



if you add a pinch of cyanide

[Brynn]

you'll get postcards from millions of the grateful oppressed.

If you turn that up any louder, young man

[craig johnston]

i'll start dancing, and then you'll be sorry.



if intelligent life were discovered on earth....

[skip intro]

it would be a big surprise.


if you pull that cord......

[daverbee]

...then the light in this closet will go out and you'll bump your nose on the door frame trying to get out, so don't do it!

If I ever catch you doing that again...

[Zaftig]

. . . someone's gonna get a spanking and you might like it.

If honesty wasn't the best policy. . .

[craig johnston]

i'd tell you some whoppers


if surrounded by elk

[NimbleMarmoset]

hide behind mad.


If you made biscuits with chocolate milk instead of regular milk

[Brynn]

you'd be branded as a rebel.

If they'd only give out lobotomies like they used to,

[craig johnston]

i could tell 'em
i got no cerebellum*


if you shake it


*copyright the ramones

[smellyrayzin]

you buy it.


if the sky falls down on us

[craig johnston]

it won't squash us cos it's made of air and stuff.


if you tweak it

[Brynn]

then you might be able to sell it as a comeback pilot for William Shatner.

If you say "He's dead, Jim," one more time,

[Frieda]

then i'm going to beam you the hell out of here!


if i drink one more drink tongihgt

[craig johnston]

everything will go pear shaped


if you squeeze it

[skip intro]

something will come out.


if you try

[Brynn]

then you might win the jackpot.

If you neglect to reveal certain details

[venusupnorth]

when I was A child boy boy much younger than before I wondered about that question?
Circus?

[funkytuba]

If you neglect to reveal certain details
...then certain people might not know the rules.


If I make fun of more people...

[craig johnston]

i will become more attractive to women.


if you stroke it

[skip intro]

i'll pay ya twenty quid.


if there's vodka in it

[venusupnorth]

I'll drink it.

If the sun doesn't set

[tsunamimom]

I won't get enough sleep.

If there is a crack in everything...

[craig johnston]

there is a craic in everything


if you tickle it

[venusupnorth]

He'll get mad

If the lights go out

[craig johnston]

we can play 'blind man's buff'


if i ever get out of here alive....

[skip intro]

i'll have a nice cup of tea


if only you hadn't

[craig johnston]

set your head on fire, the party would have been a great success.


if you would only think before you typed.....

[LadyCrow]

...then I couldn't embarass myself :p

If you looked both ways before crossing the street...

[Con ate dog]

you'd be showing weakness.

(there go those 2 f***ing cats again! You'd think that after 2 months of this they'd have settled it, or killed each other)

If children had the vote,

[Brynn]

we'd be calling Spongebob Squarepants an improvement over the present regime.

If your boss calls

[craig johnston]

tell him you witnessed a robbery on your way to work and had to spend all day at the police station giving evidence and anyway you were too shook up to come to work and yes, it is possible for that to happen three weeks in a row - you are just unlucky like that.


if brynn was in a spin....

[Con ate dog]

He'd be brynnbrynnbrynnbrynnbrynn brynnbrynnbrynnbrynnbrynn brynnbrynnbrynnbrynnbrynn brynnbrynnbrynnbrynnbrynn... and then he'd throw up and fall over.

If you dial a phone number at random...

[Hyakujo's Fox]

then around 38% of the time the person who answers the phone will be Craig Johnston.


If you only read one post this evening...

[Con ate dog]

Write at least 2,000 words in reply, diverging completely from the point and hijacking the thread in 4 different directions; don't forget to accuse others of persecuting you.

If the mosquitoes won't leave you alone...

[Brynn]

then film yourself being slowly driven to madness, then post it on the internet to creep people out.
If Christmas were tomorrow

[Con ate dog]

I'd have to dig out the red felt Santa suit and hand out cheap gifts to greedy Chinese children. My students wouldn't be ready to sing "Deck the halls" or "Jingle Bells", I wouldn't have time to call home to my family, and I'd end up drinking myself to sleep to cope with yet another celibate Yuletide. Thanks a lot, Brynn.

If beer bottles were edible...

[skip intro]

i wouldn't have to buy food

if only i hadn't upset the master.....

[Con ate dog]

...the Immigration people would still have no idea.

If employers at interviews demanded dance moves...

[zenbabe]

Then "Shake your Money Maker" would be under "skills"

If I make it through tomorrow...

[Con ate dog]

...you'll step right into the day after tomorrow's trap.

If you only cut 7 of your fingernails...

[craig johnston]

you can still pick your nose


if you kiss a dog

[Marcus Bales]

then don't kiss me

if Elvis were alive today

[Con ate dog]

he'd have a heart attack tomorrow.

If herpes could be spread by money...

[craig johnston]

i'd have one less disease to worry about.


if you stretch it

[skip intro]

it can be formed into amusing shapes.


if you rub your hand along the underside....

[dddrum]

you'll find the ON switch.



If you give a moose a cookie...

[AllegroNg]

...that cookie is guaranteed one good hair day! (I am so sorry.)


If you just turn it upside down and shake it,