The worst joke in the world thread

[Jack Flanders]

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. Thet get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps on to the windshield and hisses at them.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the wipers on. That should get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues to hiss at them.
"What shall we do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer...I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine turns on the washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and contnues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.
"Show him you're cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking, " says Sister Catherine. She opens the car window and shouts, "Get the fvck off the car, you asshole!"


OK - I'm recalling this joke because I thought it was funny and I liked Avalon's joke. A Zemonkey told me that my joke was too good for this board. OK - do we need to start a new board for the good jokes? Some people may think that either of these jokes were bad. I donno. Wadda think gang?

[priceyfatprude]

There is a good joke thread around here somewhere. I will bump it for you if I feel so inclined.

[Jack Flanders]

Found it. Thanx.

[Frieda]

a burglar is on his way through a dark living room, moving towards the dvd-player. all of a sudden he hears a voice: "JESUS IS WATCHING YOU"

the burglar is scared to death and hides behind the curtain. after 5 minutes, all remains quiet and the burglar peeks around the curtain. nothing there. he moves on, towards the kitchen and then again he hears the voice: "JESUS IS WATCHING YOU"

the burglar takes out his flashlight and shines around. then he spots a parrot in a cage that says: "JESUS IS WATCHING YOU"

"how nice," says the burglar. "a talking parrot! what's your name?"

the parrot answers: "moses"

the burglar laughs and asks: "what kind of people name their parrot Moses??"

"the same people that name their rottweiler Jesus!"

[LeahDear]

A man walks into a bar....


....OUCH!

[LeahDear]

A man hears a knock on his door one day, he answeres to see a 6ft cockroach standing there. The roach headbutts the man, kicks him to the floor, runs upstairs and pisses on his bed, throws his TV out the window, steals his DVD collection, runs back downstairs and kicks the man again on the way out.

The man can't believe what has happened and thinks he might be going crazy so he goes to the doctor. He says to the doc, "You wont believe this but a 6ft cockroach beat me up, pissed on my bed, threw my TV out the window and stole all my DVD's!" The doc looks at the man and says, "Nothing to worry about sir, there are some really nasty bugs going about at the moment."

[LeahDear]

how do you turn a fox into an elephant?


marry it!

[Frieda]

A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball."
Man- "That's nice."
Boy- "Want to buy it?"
Man- "No, thanks."
Boy- "My dad's outside."
Man- "OK, how much?"
Boy- "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy- "Dark in here."
Man- "Yes, it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy- "$750."
Man- "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

[Jack Flanders]

^^^ Haha!!

[EmotionalVelcro]

^^^me too! that was funny!

[funkytuba]

So, Chuck Norris walks into a bar. The bar says, "I'm sorry."

[jasmina]

Unbeknownst = great word

[Frieda]

i shamelessly stole that word from another forum ;)

[ShopaholicChick]

on a history quiz - in a college - i graded a paper today that thought egypt was in south america - and washington freed the slaves

[Jack Flanders]

It's good thing you're not grading how to use capital letters in a sentence. :D good story tho!

[Max Headroom]

I was doing some experiments in the laboratory the other day.

I dipped a gazelle in some Nitric acid - it melted but nothing too exciting happened.

I sprinkled shrimps into Sulphur - they got burnt slightly, but it wasn't that spectacular.

I then dropped a Panda into some Ammonia - suddenly, there was pandemonium everywhere!

[madasacutsnake]

Running Doe, a young native American woman went to a doctor for her
first ever physical exam. After checking all of her vitals and running the
usual tests, the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health
I could find no problems. I did notice one abnormality however."
"Oh, what is that, Doctor?"
"Well, you have no nipples."
"None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied.
"That is amazing," said the doctor. "I'd like to write this up for Dakota Journal of Medicine if you don't mind."
She said, "OK."
"First of all" asked the doctor, "how many people are in your
tribe?"
She answered, "Approximately 500."
"And what is the name of your tribe?" asked the doctor. *
Running Doe replied, "We're called ...

The Indiannippleless Five Hundred"

[topcat]

^^^ that has to be the winner.that was bad REAL BAD

[Avalon]

http://www.zefrank.com/bulletin/images/icons/icon14.gif Reverse Mirror Image found within da Vinci masterpieces
<HR style="COLOR: #ffb74e" SIZE=1><!-- / icon and title --><!-- message -->Da Vinci's code discovered within Reverse Mirror Images of famous masterpieces. come and see for yourself what the experts have been unable to see for 500 years, not even the masters who followed in his foot steps.
http://www.lionardofromvinci.com (http://www.lionardofromvinci.com/)
http://www.thothweb.com/article-4011--0-0.html:)
http://www.lionardofromvinci.com/gallery2.html

[LeahDear]

^^^ :D

[LeahDear]

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready."

The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, ' Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems.

No doubt you have spoken to him too.

[ambo]

^^^ I have!

[LeahDear]

me too :D

[AllegroNg]

Pregnant Turkey
Last year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the
traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to
play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the
store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the
stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and
re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven
and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit
something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia,
you've cooked a pregnant bird!"

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It
took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE!

[Jack Flanders]

^^^ hahaha!!

Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems.

No doubt you have spoken to him too.

He works for Dell, right?

[LeahDear]

:D
yes... I believe he was just awarded October's Employee of the Month!

[Tunesmith]

A man walks into a bar and orders himself a scotch. He glances across the room, and notices a blind man playing piano in the corner of the room, taking occasional requests for a song. On his back sits a monkey holding a small cup with a few coins in hit. As the man watches, the monkey wanders across the room collecting tips.

As the man's scotch arrives, the monkey hops onto the bar. He comes over, rattiling the coins he has collected. The guy, who is focused on getting plastered a quickly as possible, tells the monkey to "bugger off". The monkey moves over to the man's scoth, proceeds to take a crap in it, then returns to the blind pianist.

The man is furious, and storms over to the piano. He yells at the pianist, "Do you know your monkey just took a crap in my drink?" The pianist replies, "No, but if you hum a few bars, I can try and fake it."

[ambo]

^^^ hahaha!!

He works for Dell, right?

and Comcast, and Firemans Fund, and Singular...........

[brightpearl]

Did you hear about the tanker ship carrying blue paint running into the tanker carrying red paint, far out at sea?

Both crews were marooned.

[brightpearl]

Okay stand back everyone...



Q: What did c:\DARTHVADER say to c:\DARTHVADER\LUKESKYWALKER ?

A: "I'm your folder"


Btw, hfoxy, this is just plain awful. Right up there with Vogon poetry. Did somebody send you a prize?

[Hyakujo's Fox]

Not a cracker!

[brightpearl]

:(
You're joking!! (ba dum pum)

Well, here's your prize, then:

What do you call a chicken coop with four doors?



A chicken sedan!

[Hyakujo's Fox]

I feel you have an unfair advantage in this thread. :)

[Neo]

There are two muffins sitting in a muffin pan in the oven. The first muffin looks to the second and says "Gee it's hot in here!"

The second muffin yells "Oh my gosh! A talking muffin!"

[brightpearl]

I feel you have an unfair advantage in this thread. :)

:D
One of the many benefits of having a 7 yr old.

What do you feed an invisible cat?


Evaporated milk!

[Marcus Bales]

How do you tell if your pet elephants have been having sex?

The garbage can liner is missing and there's a quarter on the doorstep.

[brightpearl]

What did one snowman say to the other?

"Do you smell carrots?"

[brightpearl]

oh oh oh

One atom says to the other, "Someone has stolen one of my electrons!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm positive!"

[Marcus Bales]

What do you call an atom that's missing one electron?

I don't know, either, but you'd better keep your ion it.

[brightpearl]

Julius Caesar walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a martinus."

The bartender says, "Don't you mean a martini?"

Caesar replies, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it."

[brightpearl]

What do you call a pig with three eyes?




A piiig.

[Marcus Bales]

What do elephants use as tampons?

Sheep.

[brightpearl]

What game can you play with a wombat?



Wom.

[Marcus Bales]

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

[Brynn]

I think we've all visited the same site now :)

[madasacutsnake]

A man is telling his friend about the great night he had.

"I found a woman tied to the railway tracks! I untied her and took her home and we sex all night long! We did it every way you can imagine, even up the bum!"

"Mate, that's amazing," says the friend. "Did you get a blow job?"

"No," he replies, "I didn't find the head"

[Marcus Bales]

Why did the snowman smile?

He heard the snowblower approaching.

[brightpearl]

I think we've all visited the same site now :)

Awright, here's one my son told me when he was about 3. I think you'll agree it's entirely...um...original.

Q: "Why did the kitty cross the road?"


A: "Tractor."


And then he laughed himself blue.

[Marcus Bales]

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Green.

Unless they're also Dadaists, and then:

Fish.

[YsaPur EsChomuw]

What does a transvestite do for Christmas?
Eat, drink and be Mary. (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/topics/christmas/6650709/Christmas-cracker-jokes-go-politically-correct.html)