Limericks for the Purist (communal)

[YsaPur EsChomuw]

From Cleveland he traveled to Perth
Some twelve thousand miles from his birth
But there he was free
to swim in the sea
and greatly diminish his girth.

[Marcus Bales]

So YsaPur thinks I am fat

[Brynn]

"So YsaPur thinks I am fat"
Said M.B. to his indiffr'nt cat

[YsaPur EsChomuw]

"So YsaPur thinks I am fat"
Said M.B. to his indiffr'nt cat.
The cat wagged its tail

[Hyakujo's Fox]

"So YsaPur thinks I am fat"
Said M.B. to his indiffr'nt cat.
The cat wagged its tail
'sif to point to the scale

[Marcus Bales]

"So YsaPur thinks I am fat"
Said M.B. to his indiffr'nt cat.
The cat wagged its tail
'sif to point to the scale
and that, as the cat laughed, was that.

[Marcus Bales]

I'm not fat, I'm rather ... big-boned

[YsaPur EsChomuw]

"I'm not fat, I'm rather ... big-boned"
said he, while the armchair just groaned

[Marcus Bales]

"I'm not fat, I'm rather ... big-boned"
said he, while the armchair just groaned
and beneath it the floor
protested much more

[Brynn]

"I'm not fat, I'm rather ... big-boned"
said he, while the armchair just groaned
and beneath it the floor
protested much more
So the chair broke and he was dethroned.

[funkytuba]

When you start a new limerick here

[Marcus Bales]

When you start a new limerick here
The second line's often so queer

[MoJoRiSin]

When you start a new limerick here
The second line's often so queer
but then something clicks

[Marcus Bales]

When you start a new limerick here
The second line's often so queer
but then something clicks
and your verbalist tricks

[Coffee]

When you start a new limerick here
The second line's often so queer
but then something clicks
and your verbalist tricks,
by line five, make everything clear.

[Marcus Bales]

My phone hasn't rung in a while

[YsaPur EsChomuw]

My phone hasn't rung in a while
and I, too, 've forgotten to dial

[Hyakujo's Fox]

My phone hasn't rung in a while
and I, too, 've forgotten to dial
and it's nearly Christmas
but I'm just too listless

[Marcus Bales]

My phone hasn't rung in a while
and I, too, 've forgotten to dial
and it's nearly Christmas
but I'm just too listless
I'm not gonna bother to rhyme.

[Hyakujo's Fox]

I've hung up my Christmas stocking

[Marcus Bales]

I've hung up my Christmas stocking
And removed the dead cat that was blocking

[treekisser]

I've hung up my Christmas stocking
And removed the dead cat that was blocking
My visions of sugar plums

[MoJoRiSin]

I've hung up my Christmas stocking
And removed the dead cat that was blocking
My visions of sugar plums
Eureka! I'll be Samta!

[YsaPur EsChomuw]

I've hung up my Christmas stocking
And removed the dead cat that was blocking
My visions of sugar plums
Eureka! I'll be Samta!

MoJo's the Limerick Master!
Her rhymes should be set in... plaster.
'Santa' and 'plums'?
I up my thumbs:
another averted disaster.

[Marcus Bales]

Thank goodness that I didn't see

[YsaPur EsChomuw]

Thank goodness that I didn't see
when her sly face lit up with glee

[Marcus Bales]

Thank goodness that I didn't see
when her sly face lit up with such glee;
she changed her old beaux

[YsaPur EsChomuw]

Thank goodness that I didn't see
when her sly face lit up with such glee;
she changed her old beaux
and I - quid pro quo -

[Marcus Bales]

Thank goodness that I didn't see
when her sly face lit up with such glee;
she changed her old beaux
and I - quid pro quo -
have changed one or two -- maybe three.

[Marcus Bales]

And let me just add as I go

[YsaPur EsChomuw]

And let me just add as I go
I am unable to say no

[Marcus Bales]

And let me just add as I go
I am unable to say no
So when I say "yes",

[YsaPur EsChomuw]

And let me just add as I go
I am unable to say no
So when I say "yes",
it's no... more or less

[Marcus Bales]

And let me just add as I go
I am unable to say no
So when I say "yes",
it's no... more or less ...
and "Don't. Stop" means "Go go Go GO!"

[Hyakujo's Fox]

There once was this guy Aloysius

[funkytuba]

There once was this guy Aloysius
Whose career had a start inauspicious

[Marcus Bales]

There once was this guy Aloysius
Whose career had a start inauspicious
The dunces, you see,
In confederacy,

[treekisser]

There once was this guy Aloysius
Whose career had a start inauspicious
The dunces, you see,
In confederacy,
Made Aloysius wash all of the dysius.

[funkytuba]

^ groan. In a good way.

uh.

This new limerick app on my iPhone

[MoJoRiSin]

This new limerick app on my iPhone
In the monastery the monks drone

[Marcus Bales]

This new limerick app on my iPhone
In the monastery the monks drone
while satellites click

[MoJoRiSin]

This new limerick app on my iPhone
In the monastery the monks drone
while satellites click
and Big Ben goes: tock tic

[Marcus Bales]

This new limerick app on my iPhone
In the monastery the monks drone
while satellites click
and Big Ben goes: tock tic
but we all tell the time all alone.

[Hyakujo's Fox]

In desperate need of a plumber

[Marcus Bales]

In desperate need of a plumber
She pushed the electrician from her

[Hyakujo's Fox]

In desperate need of a plumber
She pushed the electrician from her
She'd felt no great shock

[YsaPur EsChomuw]

In desperate need of a plumber
She pushed the electrician from her
She'd felt no great shock
when the strap of his jock

[Marcus Bales]

In desperate need of a plumber
She pushed the electrician from her
She'd felt no great shock
when the strap of his jock
trapped his hand he continued to thumb her.

[treekisser]

As she crossed she was struck by a Hummer

[Marcus Bales]

As she crossed she was struck by a Hummer
That was driven by Christopher Plummer

[treekisser]

As she crossed she was struck by a Hummer
That was driven by Christopher Plummer
As Chris stood aghast

[Marcus Bales]

As she crossed she was struck by a Hummer
That was driven by Christopher Plummer
As Chris stood aghast
He realized, at last,

[Hyakujo's Fox]

As she crossed she was struck by a Hummer
That was driven by Christopher Plummer
As Chris stood aghast
He realized, at last,
A dead girl can't give you her num'er

[treekisser]

Living large has gotten too costly

[Brynn]

"Living large has gotten too costly,"
Said Lee as he eyed her quite frost'ly

[Hyakujo's Fox]

"Living large has gotten too costly,"
Said Lee as he eyed her quite frost'ly
"either you start scrimping,

[Marcus Bales]

"Living large has gotten too costly,"
Said Lee as he eyed her quite frost'ly
"you either start scrimping,
or think about pimping

[treekisser]

"Living large has gotten too costly,"
Said Lee as he eyed her quite frost'ly
"you either start scrimping,
or think about pimping
and carrying on far more nast'ly."

[Marcus Bales]

In chocolate he sculpted her shape

[YsaPur EsChomuw]

In chocolate he sculpted her shape
but then got so hungry he ate

[Marcus Bales]

In chocolate he sculpted her shape
but then got so hungry he ate
her nips and her lips

[treekisser]

In chocolate he sculpted her shape
but then got so hungry he ate
her nips and her lips
and then he unzips

[funkytuba]

In chocolate he sculpted her shape
but then got so hungry he ate
her nips and her lips
and then he unzips
and Pygmalion with cocoa does mate

[Hyakujo's Fox]

The old man was so prone to sagging

[Coffee]

The old man was so prone to sagging
that despite his wife's constant nagging

[treekisser]

The old man was so prone to sagging
that despite his wife's constant nagging
he just shuffled along

[Hyakujo's Fox]

The old man was so prone to sagging
that despite his wife's constant nagging
he just shuffled along
as if nothing was wrong

[funkytuba]

The old man was so prone to sagging
that despite his wife's constant nagging
he just shuffled along
as if nothing was wrong
and besides, t'weren't a problem when shagging

[Marcus Bales]

Has anyone seen my salami?

[funkytuba]

"Has anyone seen my salami?",
Inquired a young lad named Tommy,

[Marcus Bales]

"Has anyone seen my salami?",
Inquired a young lad named Tommy,
Said Jill with a sigh
"It may be that I

[funkytuba]

"Has anyone seen my salami?",
Inquired a young lad named Tommy,
Said Jill with a sigh
"It may be that I
lent it out for a week to my mommy."

[Marcus Bales]

MacGuyver was able to find

[Hyakujo's Fox]

MacGuyver was able to find
a way out of a difficult bind

[Marcus Bales]

MacGuyver was able to find
a way out of a difficult bind
with a white gym sock

[Hyakujo's Fox]

MacGuyver was able to find
a way out of a difficult bind
with a white gym sock
tied tight round his cock

[funkytuba]

MacGuyver could usually find
A way out of a difficult bind
But that tight white gym sock
Tied up tight round his cock
Proved a task much too tough to unwind

[Marcus Bales]

I thought I'd just sit there and drink

[Hyakujo's Fox]

I thought I'd just sit there and drink
my telly has been on the blink

[Marcus Bales]

I thought I'd just sit there and drink
my telly has been on the blink
my wife left today
the dog ran away

[Coffee]

I thought I'd just sit there and drink
my telly has been on the blink
my wife left today
the dog ran away
a country hit's in there, i think

[Marcus Bales]

I dreamed I was eighteen again

[Hyakujo's Fox]

I dreamed I was eighteen again
but a thing or two's changed since then

[funkytuba]

I dreamed I was eighteen again
but a thing or two's changed since then
now the burgers I flip

[Marcus Bales]

I dreamed I was eighteen again
but a thing or two's changed since back then
now the burgers I flip
are prime New York Strip

[Hyakujo's Fox]

I dreamed I was eighteen again
but a thing or two's changed since back then
now the burgers I flip
are prime New York Strip
but I finish at midnight, not ten.

[Marcus Bales]

It's spring and the world's all in tune

[Coffee]

It's spring and the world's all in tune
my love is a flautist named June

[Hyakujo's Fox]

It's spring and the world's all in tune
my love is a flautist named June
and oh boy do you know
how that girl loves to blow

[Marcus Bales]

It's spring and the world's all in tune
my love is a flautist named June
and oh boy do you know
how that girl loves to blow
anytime, midnight to noon.

[Marcus Bales]

"Oh no -- not again, Wills!" said Kate

[Hyakujo's Fox]

"Oh no -- not again, Wills!" said Kate
"Your "doing your duty" can wait"

[Hyakujo's Fox]

"Oh no -- not again, Wills!" said Kate
"Your "doing your duty" can wait
Or at least make it quick

[brightpearl]

"Oh no -- not again, Wills!" said Kate
"Your "doing your duty" can wait
Or at least make it quick --
The short end of the stick

[Marcus Bales]

"Oh no -- not again, Wills!" said Kate
"Your "doing your duty" can wait
Or at least make it quick --
The short end of the stick
Is clearly a Windsor estate.

[Frieda]

Elizabeth, Philip and Charles

[Hyakujo's Fox]

Elizabeth, Philip and Charles,
Unperturbed by the corgis' snarls,

[funkytuba]

Elizabeth, Philip and Charles,
Unperturbed by the corgis' snarls,
Wore their suits made of meat

[Hyakujo's Fox]

Elizabeth, Philip and Charles,
Unperturbed by the corgis' snarls,
Wore their suits made of meat,
made mad hunger complete,

[funkytuba]

Elizabeth, Philip and Charles,
Unperturbed by the corgis' snarls,
Wore their suits made of meat,
made mad hunger complete
"From now we shall eschew Gaga's Apparles"

[funkytuba]

I survey my dad's manor from here

[MoJoRiSin]

I survey my dad's manor from here