Tuesday, September 30th, 2003 10:00 AM
I got into a disagreement with a coworker about which was stronger, Superman or the Incredible Hulk. I hit him with my fax machine. Sparks flew into the air, and smoke rose up. Now my fax machine is broken and Iíve killed my coworker.
Tuesday, September 30th, 2003 3:00 PM
I saw my coworker who I thought I killed getting a cup of coffee from the lounge area. I walked up to him and apologized, and he gave me this weird look. Then I realized it wasnít my coworker I hit with the fax machine- it was my computer. They both start with ďc,Ē you know? I just got confused. So now both my computer and fax machine are broken. Darn!
Any comments for todayís blog entry?
Tuesday, September 30th, 2003 5:00 PM
Luckily the peon next to me is on stress leave and I can use her computer. Her cubicle is full of Hello Kitty paraphenelia... for some reason I find it arousing!! I wonder what Hello Kitty wears underneath that dress? Do Kitties wear underwear? They don't usually wear clothing anyway, do they? I must google this.
Tuesday, September 30th, 7:30 PM
Oh my! Hello Kitty vibraters. Itís as if the good lord himself were trying to speak to me in some sort of code. Wow! I must really be special. I think I might get that hello kitty fetish lingerie and vibrator. Yes.
I have been looking in the classified section of the newspaper trying to find a used fax machine. I need something to hit people with, and since the fax machine doesnít work, thatís what I use. Doesnít that make sense? No? Well, screw you. Since I couldnít figure out how to get the computer to work, I think Iíve taken care of two problems at once by hitting it with the defunct fax machine. Iím going to ask for a raise tomorrow.
I canít ignore this nagging urge for head cheese much longer. God, I wish Michelle would stoop looking at me that way! It makes me lusty. Look at the way she rolls her eyes, the way she crinkles her nose, narrows her eyes, and makes that tight little frown. I think it means she is attracted to me!
Wednesday, October 1, 4:01 pm
Head cheese sandwich was delicious. The addition of stinky cheese really made it - note to self - buy more stinky cheese. I read that stinky cheese makes women horny because it contains pure unadulterated bull pheromone. Michelle was making that face at me again - come to think of it, during lunch she never stopped making that face... holy moley, was it the stinky cheese? Maybe I should keep some at my desk? Would that be too obvious? I don't want to appear desperate. Maybe I will wipe some on the underside of the desk so the smell can permeate my area without the cheese being in full frontal evidence.
Thursday, October 2, 3:13 pm
I canít believe it! Today a new memo was issued in the office prohibiting employees from eating certain foods in the office, including garlic, that Norwegian fermented fish dish that I like so much, and, get this: STINKY CHEESE! Iím so pissed. I mean, itís not like it really matters now, but I know how Michelle is so turned on by the cheese, and I remember distinctly the way her face contorted with sheer unadultrated passion when I brought the Norwegian fish. I showed them, though, the bastards.
On a positive note, I found a fax machine for sale in the paper yesterday. I called the people, and we arranged for me to go there on my lunch break today. Well, this one is even worse (better) than the last one. Right when I plugged it in, it started giving me all kinds of error messages. The people selling the machine explained to me that it was broken, but I just pretended to be a repairman. Heh. Five bucks! What a deal. I was so happy, I almost forgot to ask for my raise.
I didnít, though. And guess what? It turns out that I donít even work here. I swear I mustíve been here like five years! The boss said that after that time I tried to write Michelle an e-mail, I was fired. I donít remember any of this. If I werenít so confused, I wouldíve put my new used fax machine to good use on my bossís head. Well, now that I donít work here, what should I do to say goodbye to Michelle? I thought about the way my stinky cheese turned her on, and, risking everything, I put the smallest slice in her desk, with a note telling her how much I love her, and how I know how she feels about me. I felt giddy with happiness after I left.
Until next time, I am yours truly,
Monday, October 6th, 9:30 PM
Today I saw Michelle at the unemployment office. Seeing her made my heart beat a little bit faster, and I couldnít help but smile. I tried waving at her, but she didnít seem to notice me, so I said, ďhey, Michelle!Ē a little louder so she would hear me. Then she turned around and gave me ďthe look.Ē I think all she needed to see was the big, toothy smile on my face to know that her feelings of love for me were reciprocated.
We didnít get to talk, though, because she was ahead of me in line, and left right away. It didnít even occur to me until after she left that she shouldní be here. I just thought she was coming to visit me or something. I guess they fired her. Could it have been the stinky cheese I put in her desk?
Well, itís probably for the best; they were going to ruin our relationship anyway, with their stupid rules about fish and stinky cheese. On my way back home I had another head cheese sandwich. Theyíre so hard to get these days. I think itís really sad that nobody appreciates head cheese anymore. Itís one of the finer things in life.
How am I ever going to get a date with Michelle? Should I give her my number the next time I see her at the unemployment office? Should I offer her a head cheese sandwich? A wedding ring? What do you think?
Tuesday, October 7th, 3:37 pm
Man, being out of work sucks the big one. There's the boredom... well, that's pretty much it. And no office machines... And, dammit, this Hello Kitty vibrator is defective. I only used it for a couple of hours yesterday and the battery died on me. There must be something wrong with the unit...
I found Michelle's number on Google, and left her a message. Haven't heard back from her yet... Wonder if I should call her again?
Tuesday, October 7th, 4:12 pm
Just tried calling Michelle again. Left another message. Where could she be?
Tuesday, October 7th, 5:03 pm
Okay, I'm getting pissed now. She's not calling me back. Is she playing hard to get? Is she maybe seeing somebody? Oh my God - was she maybe in a car accident??? Or maybe she's trapped under some large object and can't get to the phone!!!! Shite... Okay - I'll try one more time and if she doesn't pick up, I'm going over there.
Wednesday, October 8th, 8:15 am
Spent the night outside Michelle's place. She never came home... I wonder if she got my last message? I let her know I'd be stopping by... You'd think she'd have left a message letting me know she was out, since I expressed so much concern for her... Too tired to think straight. Good thing I'm not working.
Wednesday, October 8th, 12:15 pm
Called mom, told her about Michelle and me. At least I hope she got the gist of it. But it sounded like she's been off her meds, so she thought I was from the IRS at first, then when I tried to explain about Michelle, she called me Peter and asked me how I could be so cruel to her after Batman Returns was such a success.
After the call I was feeling a little depressed. So, you know what that means, back to the deli for more stinky cheese and a surprise... they had Garlic-And-Lox Stinky Cheese. Ivar behind the counter gave me a look when I asked him to put it "on my tab" but he did it anyway.
Thursday, October 9th, 9:30 pm (I think- the damn computer clock is faulty.)
Today I applied for several jobs. Mostly office jobs, but I also applied to work for my brother, who owns a costume business, to promote his business as a costumed character, but only for a couple of weeks. My brother said that the chicks dig costumed characters. When I told him about Michelle, he said that if I played chess the way Iím chasing women, Iíd lose every time-- I need to look around, keep my options open. He also said maybe Iíd have more luck if I stopped lugging this broken fax machine around with me everywhere, and holding it as if it were my baby. My brother doesnít know anything.
Then again, maybe heís right. I dunno. I think he takes after my dad more-- more rational, more intellectual. Iím crazy, like mom. Who am I to say whatís logical? Shut up. Seriously, though- maybe thatís why that cute HR lady was giving me that funny look at that one interview-- the fax machine. Hmm. Or was it the half-finished head cheese sandwich?
Iím not sure where I should go to repair the hello kitty vibrator. At least I have the lingerie-- and, Iíve got to admit, I look SEXY in that suggestive garb. Yes, this could be the new me.:D
I went by the deli again. Paid the tab. Talked to Ivar about my current situation. He seemed to think working as a costumed character was a good idea, but wouldnít give me a straight answer as to whether or not I looked goofy lugging around the fax machine. Damn Ivar, he knows me too well. He concluded by saying ďyou know, Larry, to my way of tinking, derís nuttiní what canít be fixed wití a nice hunk of head cheese.Ē Amen to that!
Wednesday, October 8, 12:30 pm
Just realized that I didn't cross the international date line like I thought. Note to self, re-calibrate watch and fix the DeLorean.
Michelle, Michelle, Michelle, Michelle
how I enjoy your wide-eyed stare
your affinity for stinky cheese
brings me down, aye, to my knees
Wherefore art thou, ma petite quenelle?
I got a fax today on my machine that told me my apartment building is an alien being. I am living in its gall bladder! I don't know what to do, what if I am like a gall stone and the alien has an operation to get rid of me?? I am very concerned. I might write to my governor about it but I can't find my pen. I think my dog stole it to make his grocery list. He always buys the same damn things, I don't know why he makes a list.
Wednesday, October 8, 2:00 pm
Goddamn widgets! Gah!
Wednesday, October 8, 4:02 pm
Just found out there's an opening for a new apartment up in the lung. May move on up like George Jefferson.
Wednesday, October 8, 4:03pm
God damned phlegm beat me to the lung. Sheesh good living space disappears quickly around here. Am on the lookout for higher ground.
Thursday, October 9, Early am.
Oh, man. I woke up with my feet in the refrigerator again. I think there was something wrong with the last batch of head cheese from Ivar. This is the third time I'd had a head cheese trip after buying Ivar's "homemade" blend. He always winks when he hands to me, but each time after I'd eaten it I'd woken with my feet in the refrigerator. I will have to remember to ask him about it when I pick up some more this afternoon.
Thankfully my sanity was soon fully restored, so I grabbed my fax machine and decided to get down to catch the end of the all-night Barbra Streisand festival at the local cinema. I wasn't too sure whether I needed it, but just to be safe I paid for an extra ticket for the fax machine. I walked in to find I was just in time for What's Up Doc? Ryan O'Neal is my favourite actor.
Somewhere during the car chase I drifted off to sleep and dreamt of Michelle.
Thursday, October 9, 10:09 p.m.
Well, I took the bus over to my brotherís shop today and dressed up in this silly costume: a giant lizard-man with a big, goofy grin. I had to hold a sign that read:
Get ready for Halloween at:
Joeís Costume Shop
your number one source
for interesting and outlandish costumes!
Open Monday-Friday, 9 AM to 7 PM.
buy a costume here between now and the end of October, and youíll recieve
A 30% DISCOUNT!
And stood in front of the store for 3 hours. Then I went inside, removed the costume and cooled off, my brother gave me some bottled water and a hot dog, and we talked for a while,then I got beck in the costume and paraded around for another 3 hours. Then I went inside and changed and went to the deli to eat a head cheese sandwich. It was kind of exhausting, and it was emotionally draining to be away from my fax machine for so long. But the warmth of the costume provided welcome relief for my cold-numbed feet. And women actually smiled at me! At least some women did. I was hoping Iíd see Michelle, but I never did. I saw this pretty women I pass by sometimes when I go to the deli, though. She looked at me for what seemed like a long time. I wonder if she was checking me out?
I guess I should be thankful my brother is self-employed. He didnít make me sign any forms or anything. ďStrictly under the table,Ē is what he said this was. I guess Iíll be doing this for the next month, until halloween. I guess itís better than a real job. I donít know. I donít know if Iíve ever had a real job.
Looking over my past few posts, Iím really puzzled. I mean, how did I recieve any faxes at all if my fax machine is broken? I looked around my house to try to find the faxes I supposedly recieved, but all I found was a sheet of paper with the words: ďFrom the apartment: you are in my gall bladder! Anananaaa! Michelle.Ē in sloppy handwriting that I recognized as being sort of like my own handwriting. I wonder, did I write this? Or did my mother come by my apartment at some point? If I wrote this, then is the pure, unadultrated bull pheromone driving me mad? Iíd hate to have to give up stinky cheese.
10/14/03 8:30 pm
I got a sore throat the day before yesterday, so I decided to take matters into my own hands, seeing as how I donít have health insurance. I brewd a big pot of coffee, and poured it out in two pans. I added cream & sugar per usual. Then I let it sit. This morning, the mold was thick enough for my satisfaction. Nothiní like home-grown penecillin for the nasties.
Gllerrrr! It tastes awful. But then, it must be helping: no pain, no gain, right? I thought Iíd share this idea with you, my unknown audience. I hope you take my wisdom to heart: donít pay eighty dollars for what you can do yourself for next to nothiní.
The costume job is going well. My bro has been offering me advice on the love scene. Heís such a great guy. But he doesnít seem to understand the effects of pure unadulterated bull pheromone.
I love you people! My audience! My wonderful, wonderful audience! I will keep you posted!
I will share the minutest details of my life with you! We will get through this TOGETHER.
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