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-   -   Tell Me What You Think Of My Poem... (http://www.zefrank.com/bulletin_new/showthread.php?t=9670)

Master_Jedi 07-03-2006 08:56 AM

Tell Me What You Think Of My Poem...

Goodbye said the lonely boy to his only love
They never spoke again
Twice He'd made that decision
Only to fail once
He realized she used Him
She used Him for comfort
He realized it would never be
Again He became a Suicidal Catastrophe
The Death was setting in
Riggo Mortis would soon overcome
He said to not worry
He would make it through
Such a blind lie
Yet no one caught the clue
His arms became scarred
That they knew
But It'd happen before
So why worry
He'd make it through
No one hung on to Him like glue
So one night He'd had enough
He took one last breath
And fell
Eternal Tragedy
And Hell
Befell Him
And now she realizes she needed Him
And had made a mistake
So she quickly followed
With no double take
Now They'd be united
Eternal Happiness

daverbee 07-03-2006 09:14 AM

Very sad. :(

Master_Jedi 07-03-2006 09:15 AM

i knew it was sad, but is it any good?

trisherina 07-03-2006 11:43 AM

1 Attachment(s)
From a literary point of view, the last twelve lines are the best. Breaks in the preceding lines are not as natural and the effect on reading is somewhat choppy. And the term is rigor mortis; Riggo is the guy who sells cigarettes to underaged kids at the newsstand.

But it's really hard to read sheerly as a critic. The writer is likeable and the reader wants to communicate that the condition written about is temporary, and to reassure the writer that love lies in the future for gifted moral young men, plenty of it and with avocados and salsa. And when in doubt, the writer is urged to review this list of Brynn's and carry it around everywhere (attached). It's one of the better works I've read on the subject, though nothing can compare to sparticle's "Wait Two Weeks" sung to the tune of "If You're Happy and You Know It..." (which, dammit, I have searched for several times to save to my archives but can't find. One day. ONE DAY!!) :mad:

Hyakujo's Fox 07-03-2006 12:00 PM

Wasn't Riggo Mortis that guy from the Lord of the Rings?


trisherina 07-03-2006 12:02 PM

Where were you when I wanted to play Psychobabble? ^^^

Hyakujo's Fox 07-03-2006 12:07 PM

I have no idea.

trisherina 07-03-2006 12:09 PM

Race you there, Smartnose!

Hyakujo's Fox 07-03-2006 12:13 PM

1.13am and it's a schoolnight. :(

trisherina 07-03-2006 12:15 PM

Coffee 07-03-2006 12:56 PM

As a poem, I think it sucks, but only because it reminded me of some real bad muadlin (ahem) prose I had writ..perpetrated myself on similar subjects long long ago...(err...actually not long ago enough).

However, I think it is Wonderful that you are expressing yourself about it in (ahem) prose. I personaly found that I survived those impulses, in part, by writing about it...badly...and then I had the pleasure of cathartically ripping it all up years later when I outgrew those impulses, after reading it all again and feeling realllly glad that I never shared it with anyone...ah, hey, not that you shouldn't...share away...emote, emote, emote. Whatever helps you to feel better. Art doesn't have to be for the masses you know. If you feel better expressing youself through this medium...then Cheers mate, and cheer up. :) ;)



And now she realizes she needed Him
And had made a mistake
^^^That NEVER happens

In Real Life that would read:

"And now she realized he was spineless
And had not made a mistake"

glish 07-03-2006 01:28 PM

the poem is just fine.

daverbee 07-03-2006 02:28 PM


Originally Posted by Hyakujo's Fox
Wasn't Riggo Mortis that guy from the Lord of the Rings?


I thought he played shortstop for the Brooklyn Dodgers in '53.

Jedi, there's tons of people on this forum who would love to let you vent when you need to vent. PM any of us.

dinzdale 07-03-2006 03:27 PM

I hope writing a poem helped.

Personally, I would find a prostitute to help you work out your kinks.

glish 07-03-2006 04:07 PM

Or maybe just some porn?

Good ole porn.

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