★ our subtle torments in hell ★
in hell, our sock elasticity is eternally untaut. every 30 paces we are compelled to take our shoes off to resolve the aggressively bunched mess under our feet. |
in hell, our eyelashes are constantly falling out and dropping into our eyes. |
in hell, we set our hair on fire and scorch our fingernails every single time we're cooking. and just as it grows back, it happens again.
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In hell we're frying bacon naked.
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In hell there's constant gnashing of teeth because various pieces of food (e.g. from fried bacon rind) get stuck between them and refuse to come unstuck. People gnash their theeth until they are all worn down and hurt. Oh, and there's no dentist to fix them. (Busy doing some fixing in heaven)
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In hell every negotiated and final contract must be submitted to Legal for approval.
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daily, we are taken to play with puppies and kittens. but they are ugly and lethargic ones, and have coarse fur and surly dispositions.
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In hell public servants are elected based on their character and looks, rather than their knowledge of refrigeration.
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In hell tea water never gets hot enough due to a strange thermodynamical phenomenon.
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In hell, the only toilet paper that's ever available is the very last square on the roll.
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In hell, our only mental muzak is the soundtrack from "Baby Einstein: Baby's First Moves."
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...and all the toothpaste is labeled "fresh green tea vanilla flavor!" but it really tastes vaguely of carboard airfreshener and chalk.
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In Hell, all you get to read is poetry written by angsty 14 year olds with poor spelling.
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All the bananas in hell are just slightly overripe, and every bowl of cereal has precisely one bit that looks as though it could be a piece of insect wing. We're never sure.
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in hell, you’re not allowed to save or back up
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every page of every book we open to read is covered in red-ink underlines with double exclamation marked side-notes in the jagged scrawl of somebody clearly convinced by the politics and pseudophilosophy of ayn rand
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... everyone is being so nice and polite to each other through the gritted teeth and fake smiles of contempt.
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In hell, everyone around us says, "supposebly."
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hahaha
and "exetera" |
in hell, whenever it smells like fart everyone looks at you like you did it.
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In hell, when you need to go to the toilet very much, it is always occupied by someone else for a very long time. Once a week for too long.
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In hell, you need to wait in line for everything. The person in front of you in line always has very lengthy, complicated business and the person behind you always shouts incessantly into her cell phone.
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In hell, there is no cool side of the pillow.
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In hell you can only get a very dark roasted coffee. They "claim" to offer a medium roast, but it is a dark roast too.
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In hell, there is free internet everywhere, but it's all at less than 1kb/s so everything takes forever to load.
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In hell, the only newspaper is always devoted to stories about Britney Spears.
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Quote:
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In hell, there is no water pressure especially when you wash your hair
In hell, all the stories in the Onion are true. |
In hell, when you're just about to bite into a sandwich - or any other food - in squeals out loud and squirts ketchup into your eyes and generally tries to wiggle away.
Every time you eat something you feel guilty of murdering your food. |
all our friends are imaginary friends
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two words: no sugar
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No sugar, eh?
In hell to have sex you have to fill in a form, have it signed by seven city officials, get a stamp of approval from the mayor with a number on it, then you go to a waiting room with a counter*. You wait for ages for your number (no pun intended), but when it finally appears the counter always jumps by one more digit. *confusingly set to binary numbers |
In hell, you can have sex anytime you want with whoever you want, but no one ever pays any attention to you no matter what.
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In hell, the bus you need to catch is always leaving when you're half a block away.
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in hell, you have constant annoying crusty boogers, and you're made to wear mittens so you can't pick your nose.
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In hell, everyone's just a little deaf and you have to repeat everything you say at least twice to make yourself understood.
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In hell we always have a hangnail on our index fingers.
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In hell it is possible to regulate any industry's prices except for the industry that the president of hell has a financial interest in.
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In hell, the only bathroom is always occupied whenever you need to use it.
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In hell, our shampoo and our pancake syrup are indistinguishable.
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