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daverbee 04-06-2006 05:08 PM

Outsourcing the Presidency to India


Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of May 31, 2006.

The move is being made to save the President's $400,000 yearly salary, and also a record $521 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead the office has incurred during the last 5 years.

"We believe this is a wise move financially. The cost savings should be significant," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). Reynolds, with the aid of the Government Accounting Office, has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively. "We cannot expect to remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.

Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for sometime. Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India, will be assuming the office of President as of March 22, 2006.

Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month but with no health coverage or other benefits. It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night, when few offices of the US Government will be open. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the American Express call center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President someday."

A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem because Bush was not familiar with the issues either. Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issues at all.

"We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "President Bush has used them successfully for years." Mr. Singh may have problems with the Texas drawl, but lately Bush has abandoned the "down home" persona in his effort to appear intelligent and on top of the Katrina situation.

Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two week waiting period, he will be eligible for $240 a week unemployment for 13 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit.

Mr. Bush has been provided the out-placement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to limited practical work experience. A Greeter position at Wal-Mart was suggested due to Bush's extensive experience shaking hands and phony smile.

Another possibility is Bush's re-enlistment in the Texas Air National Guard. His prior records are conspicuously vague but should he choose this option, he would likely be stationed in Waco, TX for a month, before being sent to Iraq, a country he has visited. "I've been there, I know all about Iraq," stated Mr. Bush, who gained invaluable knowledge of the country in a visit to the Baghdad Airport's terminal and gift shop.

Sources in Baghdad and Falluja say Mr. Bush would receive a warm reception from local Iraqis. They have asked to be provided with details of his arrival so that they might arrange an appropriate welcome.

ambo 04-06-2006 10:29 PM

Having just come from a company where 95% of the IT department was outsourced to India, this really struck a funny bone
:D

priceyfatprude 04-07-2006 01:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jackflanders
God, I sound like Dr. Phil. F him.

LOLOLOL

craig johnston 04-07-2006 09:42 AM


jasmina 04-07-2006 10:26 AM

that's so mean!!!

craig johnston 04-07-2006 11:39 AM

yep, but you laughed, didn't you?

;)

trisherina 04-07-2006 12:16 PM

Needs to be quoted in full:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hyakujo's Fox
"Black Stump Bordeaux" is rightly praised as a peppermint flavoured
Burgundy, whilst a good "Sydney Syrup" can rank with any of the world's
best sugary wines.

"Chateau Bleu", too, has won many prizes; not least for its taste, and
its lingering afterburn.

"Old Smokey, 1968" has been compared favourably to a Welsh claret,
whilst the Australian Wino Society thoroughly recommends a 1970 "Coq du
Rod Laver", which, believe me, has a kick on it like a mule: 8 bottles
of this, and you're really finished -- at the opening of the Sydney
Bridge Club, they were fishing them out of the main sewers every half an
hour.

Of the sparkling wines, the most famous is "Perth Pink". This is a
bottle with a message in, and the message is BEWARE!. This is not a
wine for drinking -- this is a wine for laying down and avoiding.

Another good fighting wine is "Melbourne Old-and-Yellow", which is
particularly heavy, and should be used only for hand-to-hand combat.

Quite the reverse is true of "Chateau Chunder", which is an appellation
contrôlée, specially grown for those keen on regurgitation -- a fine wine
which really opens up the sluices at both ends.

Real emetic fans will also go for a "Hobart Muddy", and a prize winning
"Cuiver Reserve Chateau Bottled Nuit San Wagga Wagga", which has a
bouquet like an aborigine's armpit.


karma_queen 04-07-2006 12:34 PM

my gay best friend, commenting on how we've moved up in the world:

'we've gone from hoi polloi to hoity toity'

Jack Flanders 04-07-2006 01:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by craig johnston
yep, but you laughed, didn't you?

;)


You sick bastard!!! (I'm still laughing, damn you.) :o :o

jasmina 04-07-2006 05:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by craig johnston
yep, but you laughed, didn't you?

;)

yeah but only a BIT

Brynn 04-08-2006 03:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by karma_queen
my gay best friend, commenting on how we've moved up in the world:

'we've gone from hoi polloi to hoity toity'

This is an important distinction. There's a lot of la-di-da between the two. :D

divisionbiscuit 04-08-2006 12:50 PM

Reading The Comic Toolbox by John Vorhaus. In the intro, he discovers the fun of writing in the passive voice.

"The room was walked into by a man by whom strong, handsome features were had. A woman was met by him. The bed was lain upon by her. Then the bed was lain upon by him. Clothing was removed from them both. Sex was had. Climax was acheved. Afterward, cigarettes were smoked by them. Suddenly, the door was opened by the husband of the woman by whom the bed was lain upon. Some screams were screamed and angry words exchanged. Jealousy was felt by the man by whom the gun was held. Firing of the gun was done by him. The flying of bullets took place. Impact was felt by bodies. Remorse was then felt by the man by whom the gun was held. The gun was turned upon himself.

"And the rest, as they say, is forensics."

Chanelle 04-08-2006 01:15 PM

Hi, wat's up?

lapietra 04-08-2006 02:07 PM


ShopaholicChick 04-09-2006 10:38 PM

i recieved a private message today on yahoo - i changed the names -


Him: hi theres your really hot
Me: thanks asl
Him: 62/m...you looking for a good time this afternoon with a mature man
Me: your older then my mother thats disgusting goodbye
Him: shut up you poopy head
Me: how mature - you sure your not 12??

I put him on ignore at that point - apparently he messaged another girl in the same chat room and when she called him an old man he called her "doody breath"

Max Headroom 04-09-2006 11:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chanelle
Hi, wat's up?

This made me laugh

craig johnston 04-10-2006 04:35 AM

a friend's mother wrote a mail describing spring in her garden. the usual sort of thing, this budding and that blooming etc.
she wrote; '....and there's a wren building in the creeper'

he replied; 'what, like st paul's cathedral?'

:D

karma_queen 04-10-2006 06:08 AM

my friends aunt was telling me about how she once had a conversation with one of her friends about gandhi. her friend's daughter looked up, and asked 'gandhi warhol?'

micjiggles 04-11-2006 10:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ShopaholicChick
i recieved a private message today on yahoo - i changed the names -


Him: hi theres your really hot
Me: thanks asl
Him: 62/m...you looking for a good time this afternoon with a mature man
Me: your older then my mother thats disgusting goodbye
Him: shut up you poopy head
Me: how mature - you sure your not 12??

I put him on ignore at that point - apparently he messaged another girl in the same chat room and when she called him an old man he called her "doody breath"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

That is hilarious! Had to can myself. Still am. Great stuff, those lovely insults.

micjiggles 04-11-2006 11:13 AM

goodness, i hope this doesn't get too long, but i thought I had to let the whole world know the beauty of misunderstanding languages. (must be said beforehand:we are german-speaking, therefore misunderstandings like these are quite common)

my mom and i went to an podiatrist (a foot doctor, just in case someone doesn't know).

after he examined her feet and was satisfied with the results, my mom got up from the chair, shoes in hand, and was about to leave the room. then the doctor said to her: 'You can put your shoes on here!!' and points to the chair.

and what does my mom do? she places the shoes on the chair and looks at him expectantly.

after a few seconds of confused silence, he explains to her that he meant for her to put her shoes back on her feet while sitting on the chair.


I laughed for 2 hours straight...

P.S: And, yes, i am aware that this could have been one of those 'I guess you had to be there' stories. But canned myself again while writing it, so was worth it

:)

bertie 04-11-2006 02:09 PM

Over the weekend, my friend and I hosted our monthly Dessert Club meeting, and I decided to make chocolate-chunk banana bread. While I was making the batter, my husband wandered through the kitchen and said, "GROSS!! It looks like you barfed in a bowl, and now you're gonna bake it!" A little later on when my friend arrived with her sinfully rich chocolate cherry cake with fudge icing, she giggled as she removed the foil cover. When I asked why she was laughing, she said that her husband wandered through the kitchen while she was icing the cake and said, "Ew. That looks like turd casserole!" Then I told her what my husband said, and we had a good laugh....we're married to a couple of morons!

lapietra 04-11-2006 03:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by micjiggles
goodness, i hope this doesn't get too long, but i thought I had to let the whole world know the beauty of misunderstanding languages. (must be said beforehand:we are german-speaking, therefore misunderstandings like these are quite common)

my mom and i went to an podiatrist (a foot doctor, just in case someone doesn't know).

after he examined her feet and was satisfied with the results, my mom got up from the chair, shoes in hand, and was about to leave the room. then the doctor said to her: 'You can put your shoes on here!!' and points to the chair.

and what does my mom do? she places the shoes on the chair and looks at him expectantly.

after a few seconds of confused silence, he explains to her that he meant for her to put her shoes back on her feet while sitting on the chair.


I laughed for 2 hours straight...

P.S: And, yes, i am aware that this could have been one of those 'I guess you had to be there' stories. But canned myself again while writing it, so was worth it

:)

Oh dear. I guess you wouldn't have to be a native German-speaker to make that mistake - I didn't see what was wrong until the explanation...

Good night, Gracie. :rolleyes: ;)

lapietra 04-11-2006 05:22 PM

from "Inside Relational Databases" by Mark Whitehorn and Bill Marklyn
 
"So far I have skated delicately around the definition of a relational database. It is really tempting to believe that the use of multiple tables marks the transition to a relational database. Indeed, I have read several times that a 'relational' database is so called because it allows you to 'relate' information held in different tables. How can I put this politely? This information is not correct. It is wrong. It is horribly wrong. Anyone who tells you this is incorrect. Regard anything that they tell you in the future with the deepest suspicion. If they try to sell you anything, say nothing, smile sweetly and walk carefully away."

eta: Reminds me of John Cleese in the "dead parrot" sketch... :D

ambo 04-11-2006 06:56 PM

That's cute. All databases have multiple tables. Such silliness.

Smartypants 04-11-2006 07:02 PM

DO NOT CLICK HERE unless you have lots of time to piss away.

(And you're in a place where your laughter won't embarrass the hell out of you.)

lapietra 04-11-2006 07:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ambo
That's cute. All databases have multiple tables. Such silliness.

I know, huh? (It's an introduction to a chapter about Codd's rules... so he has to be very specific. )

ambo 04-11-2006 08:25 PM

Thanks Smarty. That was fun !

Smartypants 04-11-2006 09:52 PM

^^ From that same Web site:
Quote:

The following is an actual exchange between
James R. of the sketch comedy group Kasper Hauser
("Jock Plenary") and a Nigerian e-mail scammer
("Justice Shaish")

Mr. Justice Shaish,

I have read the terrible things that have
happened with your financial situation in Nigeria, and
I would like to help--IF YOU CAN GUARANTEE that i
would make some money to cover my costs. I am retired
from the railroad business for 37 years, and I know a
scam when I see one; I also have been able to save a
large amount of money over the last 40 years. I must
admit, I'm a little nervous doing business over the
internet. I could also travel if need be to a neutral
location or to Nigeria, if needed. What would be the
next step in helping you guys out?

Sincerely,
Jock Plenary, CEO
San Fertando Valley Agricultural Bank
California 98-0982

---------------------------------------------------
Attn: Jock Plenary,

I acknowlede the receipt of your mail and i am very
happy that you are willing to help me in this
transaction.

All that is needed from you is your trust and you have
to treat this deal very confidential. You have to send
to us your mailing address and your telephone and fax
number with your banking datas so that the accredited
attorney attached with contract payment will use it to
obtain all the valid documents that will back you up
as the true owner of the fund.

Be aware that as soon as these is done you will
receive the money through the paying bank incharge of
contract payment.

Please send it now so that we can start the
transaction without further delays.

Best Regards,

Mr Justice Shaish ( N.N.P.C )

---------------------------------------------------
Mr. Shaish,

My fax number is 415.268.0709, and my phone number
is a Bimmelman's Business transaction decoder (type
II) are you guys ok with GSM/GPRS lines? If not, I'll
need to give you a dolphin decoder. But I'll need
some sort of rotary code from you, either way. For now
just send it on Ahonotu 0409 Mark I (Miami) and just
tell the operator it's a "double-glazer".
Another question is more important; I don't want
to arouse suspicion, but I have two separate banks,
and I'm not sure which would be best. One is my
savings and one is my primary checking.
My bank names are:

Land Bank/UCSF Zoo Trust
Kangaroo Donor Millionaire Fund
1 Sloat Blvd
San Frantillo, CA 94112

The second is:
Stanford Community Mancestor GISM
134 University Ave
Stanford, CA 94156-0892

I can use either...just let me know (there may be a
Welsertian Block on the Land Bank account...their
minimum balance just got raised...)

Write me back ASAP,

Your friend in trust,
Jock Plenary, DVM

---------------------------------------------------
ATTN: JOCK PLENARY,

SIR,

I RECEIVED YOUR MAIL AND I WILL EXPLAIN TO YOU THE
BEST WAY TO HANDLE THIS TRANSACTION.

YOU CAN SEND YOUR DIRECT CELL PHONE NUMBER OR G.S.M
NUMBER SO THAT I CAN REACH YOU. WHEN I SPEAK WITH YOU
I WILL GIVE YOU THE CODE NUMBER FOR SECURITY REASON,
THE DOCUMENTS WILL BE SENT TO THE AHONOTU MAIMI
ADDRESS, BASED ON THE ISSUE OF YOUR BANK. I THINK ALSO
THAT WE WILL USE THE LAND BANK WHICH IS YOUR SAVINGS
ACCOUNT.

FURTHERMORE YOU CAN NOW SEND THE ACCOUNT WITH YOUR
SWIFT CODE TO US. WHEN WE RECEIVE THESE INFORMATIONS ,
THE ATTORNEY WILL OBTAIN THE PAPERS AND SEND A COPY
TO YOU AND ALSO TO THE BANK BEFORE THEY WILL CONTACT
YOU FOR PAYMENT THEREAFTER.

I WILL COMPASATE YOU WITH 30% FROM THE TOTAL AMOUNT
FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE, CALL ME ON TEL:234-1-7763224 FOR
MORE BRIEFING.

GOD BLESS YOU.

MR JUSTICE SHAISH

---------------------------------------------------
Mr. Shaish,
Where are you?! I have tried calling for two
days! I have the Swift code for Land Bank/Kangaroo
Millionaire Donor Fund (is it safe to e-mail?).
I first thought there was a thumb protector on my
phone but now I'm worried that I'm missing some sort
of Nigerian hand mask: must I dial a country code
first?
I WILL NOT BE MADE THE PONY BOY: IXNAY! If this
is a scam, I want to know about it. I'm here to help
Nigeria.


God Bless Me and You Both,
J. Plenary, CEO

P.S. Sorry if I seem irritated, but a horribleness has
befelsterred my children's academy: Phyllis the Boy
fell into a bottling machine, and I am busy, Mr.
Shaish...busy with a capital Jesus.



---------------------------------------------------
SEND YOUR NUMBERS I WANT TO CALL YOU NOW.....

SHAISH

---------------------------------------------------
Mr. Shashi,
Bravo, I like a forceful plan/Nigerian Helping
Opportunity.
I'm so nervous about this; I don't know why (my
uncle was a Colonel in the Salvation Army AND invented
a vaccine: WE ARE NOT A FAMILY TO BE TOYED WITH). But
I have all the info (Swift code, phone number, and
acct. numbers); just to be on the safe side, I'll send
code words first and then a second e-mail.

1=Hobbit
2=Bilbo
3=Dildo
4=Donkey
5=Jumbo
6=Yankee
7=Pony
8=Growler
9=Wolfbait
0=Junkie

Just match this list against the code words in my
separate e-mail. PLEASE call me today (I will be in
home until 1700 Central Railroad Time): I hunger for
completion. When this is over and your money is safe
and we are bedded down of a summer's eve, I will
remain:

Very Sincerely,
J. Plenary, Own Company Starter

Phone number: Junkie-Hobbit-Bilbo
Jumbo-Jumbo-Jumbo-Growler Jumbo-Bilbo-Donkey-Wolfbait

Swift Code: Donkey-Donkey-Hobbit Junkie-Bilbo
Pony-Yankee-Jumbo-Donkey

Bank Address:
Land Bank/UCSF Zoo Trust
Kangaroo Donor Millionaire Fund
1 Sloat Blvd
San Frantillo, CA 941125

Savings Account Number:

Donkey-Junkie-Wolfbait-Growler-Jumbo-Hippy-Dildo-Yankee-Hobbit-Pony


Does this all make sense? It should. I look forward
to your call today. PLEASE WRITE IF THERE ARE ANY
QUESTIONS.

Hold me,
Jock Plenary

---------------------------------------------------
WHAT DOYOUMEAN. ARE YOU EVER SERIOUS IN YOUR LIFE AND
THE TRANSACTION

---------------------------------------------------
You have passed the test, Mr. Shaish! Congratulations.

You need only this piece of the puzzle: HIPPY=X

I will expect the money tomorrow; you, my friend will
be the Bonobo-ficiary.


Go back to the e-mails, Mr. Shaish...the answers are
in the code: DO NOT LOSE YOUR PASSION FOR HELPING
NIGERIA.


Trust me,
Jock Plenary, Black Belt (Hon.)


I will assume that you, Mr. Justice, are never serious
in YOUR life or this transaction.

I am as serious as a lion on a beach!

CALL ME TODAY 1.415.555.6662


Jock Plenary, Ghost Rider

jasmina 04-11-2006 09:56 PM

yeah so don't anyone EVER accuse smarts of posting really short messages OK??? Or else .

beckstra 04-12-2006 11:40 AM

I got to quit my job today. That made me laugh. One of those maniacal laughs.

Mwahahahahah...!

Smartypants 04-15-2006 04:09 AM

Clickety click.

random 04-15-2006 11:50 AM


ambo 04-17-2006 03:06 PM

Joe's Headache

Joe had suffered from an extreme headache for many years. He had seen many doctors, but none had helped. Finally, he decided to try one more, a specialist who had a great reputation for curing headaches. The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for, but he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing
store and thought, "That's what I need - a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. He walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36."
Joe laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old"
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 32. A 32 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!"

New suit = $600
New shirt = $36
New underwear = $6
Second opinion PRICELESS.

JesusTitties 04-18-2006 07:19 AM


NimbleMarmoset 04-19-2006 07:48 PM


ambo 04-19-2006 11:06 PM

^^^
hahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Avalon 04-20-2006 10:07 AM

The closed captioning on CNN this morning read:

"Surrey England where the diseased Elrod Hubbard..."



Spin faster L. Ron, alien freak spawner:p

JesusTitties 04-20-2006 11:20 AM


Smartypants 04-21-2006 02:39 PM

A woman in a hot air balloon realized that she was lost. She lowered her
altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted out to him,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend that I would meet him
an hour ago, but I don't know where I am!"

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're 30 feet above
sea level. You're at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100
degrees 49.09 minutes west longitutde."

The woman rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Democrat."

"Yah, I am," said the man. "But how did you know?"

"Well," she answered, "everything you told me is technically correct,
but I have no idea what to do with your information and I'm still lost.
Frankly, you haven't been much help to me."

The man smirked and responded, "You must be a Republican."

"Yes, I am," the balloonist replied. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're
going, you've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air,
you've made a promise you have no idea how to keep then expect me to
solve your problem for you, and you're in exactly the same position you
were in before we met but, somehow, it's now my fault."

Smartypants 04-21-2006 02:59 PM



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