What if I said I was sitting outside your window, watching you type, with a tranquiliser dart gun trained on your neck?


Anything for a bucket of ants.

What would an armadillo hooker do?


A rake, fifty dollars and a Welsh-English dictionary.

What's your secret to "hot monogamy"?

It all looks so different from the eighty-ninth floor.

Why did you just drop that squid?

A mug of something hot with lemon.

what did the Pinellas County sergeant get when he asked the vice squad so send him over a report on the night's takings?

his lost childhood smeared over a pomegranite

what are you going to call the first part of your autobiography?


it works on many levels

what do you hope about an elevator in a very tall building?

making meatballs at 2 in the morning.

how did the incomniac carnivore spend her evenings?

a very large grey squirrel. very large.

Who was responsible for getting your cat pregnant?

2 Live Crew.

what was found in the wreckage?


be excellent to everyone, and party on dude!

What's a random line from a movie that will leave most people stymied for a question to which it would be an answer?


No really, let me.... I insist

Who wants the last piece of Chocolate Volcano Cake?

Gwen Stefani.

can you sum up all the evils of this world in just two words?


tuba stymied me

What finally ended your attempt to build a classical orchestra completely out of matchsticks?


Truth and Buns.

what do you look for in a prospective wife?


not with a bang, but a whimper

How did your Yorkie go when you sprinkled gunpowder in her food?

A big kiss and a hug.

What could possibly worsen being stuck in an elevator with an incontinent Bill O'Reilly?

Yes, but one would then have to ban Silly String, and most Las-Vegas entertainment.

should the government be run on amish principles?


a horse's head in his bed.

where did the 14-wide trail of ants lead?

A dude playing classical guitar in my coffeeshop, Mediocrely.

Why were you drinking coffee outside on a cold park bench this morning Funky?


Throw 20,000 lives and 5 billion dollars at it.

But what do the guys whose advice helped created this mess in the first place recommend?



They all come back eventually.

have you lost your marbles?


doin it in the park, doin it after dark, oh yeah.

When is the best time to play with glowsticks?


just to watch the colours.

why did you spend three hours waiting at the traffic lights?


i got a string attached to my thing, when you pull my string i can't do my thing like i oughta.

Woody, why won't you work???


Because Bill Clinton said if I didn't, The closet would be my new friend.

why did you finally set things straight with that cute army recruiter?

The irrelevance of that question is mind-boggling.

If the universe was created by a marshmallow, would chicken taste like snake?

It's not arrogance, it's self assurance.

What have you convinced yourself regarding your own hubris?

Just tilt your head, and let it flow into the basin.

I've had this tune going around in my head all day, what should I do?



Either that or a better pair of trousers.

are you going to shower before your date this time?


you can't be serious!

What's the defining symptom of Johnston's Syndrome?



Somewhere along the way I just stopped caring.

Hey, did you see who's up for a Golden Globe?

What you don't know won't hurt you.

What is the "Golden Rule" for dishonest folks?

A sore neck and a sprained ankle.

what was the result of your james brown impersonation coff?


a fluffy pink hand grenade

And the latest plot of Lindsay Lohan's to take out Paris Hilton involves?

Chamomile, Witch Hazel and THC.

Do you know how Robitussin was first developed?

Lazers; lots of them.

WTF happened to Joan Rivers face?

Merry Cranberry scented handiwipes.

what did you find in santa's grotto?


it's too late baby now it's too late

What do you say if something inside has died and I can't hide it, I just can't fake it?

A narrow, ribbonlike strip of dried dough, usually made of flour, eggs, and water.

when you're going on vacation, what's the first thing you pack?




a pen, a rose and a popsicle