★ our subtle torments in hell ★
 

in hell, we set our hair on fire and scorch our fingernails every single time we're cooking. and just as it grows back, it happens again.

In hell we're frying bacon naked.

In hell there's constant gnashing of teeth because various pieces of food (e.g. from fried bacon rind) get stuck between them and refuse to come unstuck. People gnash their theeth until they are all worn down and hurt. Oh, and there's no dentist to fix them. (Busy doing some fixing in heaven)

In hell every negotiated and final contract must be submitted to Legal for approval.

daily, we are taken to play with puppies and kittens. but they are ugly and lethargic ones, and have coarse fur and surly dispositions.

In hell public servants are elected based on their character and looks, rather than their knowledge of refrigeration.

In hell tea water never gets hot enough due to a strange thermodynamical phenomenon.

In hell, the only toilet paper that's ever available is the very last square on the roll.

In hell, our only mental muzak is the soundtrack from "Baby Einstein: Baby's First Moves."

...and all the toothpaste is labeled "fresh green tea vanilla flavor!" but it really tastes vaguely of carboard airfreshener and chalk.

In Hell, all you get to read is poetry written by angsty 14 year olds with poor spelling.

All the bananas in hell are just slightly overripe, and every bowl of cereal has precisely one bit that looks as though it could be a piece of insect wing. We're never sure.

in hell, you’re not allowed to save or back up