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fodder 03-29-2004 01:59 AM

:confused:

funkytuba 03-29-2004 03:30 AM

Went to a park today with Little Funky (age 2). I brought bubbles. This 8 yr old kid who happened to be at the park was following us around to pop the bubbles I was blowing. Little Funky thought it was absolutely-fvking-hilarious that this "big boy" wanted to pop our bubbles, and laughed uproariously whenever said big kid was around.

Frieda 03-29-2004 02:04 PM

my colleague Henk answering the internal office phone with:

"no jokes, friend, or i'll pump you in the face!"

daverbee 03-29-2004 02:19 PM

This. Once again from I Am Eating My Husband's Soul:

My Hamster, My Self


My son and I got a hamster a few months ago. Thinking that it would be wrong to keep this creature in isolation, we thought ahead and purchased a palatial Hamster Estate. This included 2 cages, 3 ‘outposts’, a hamster bathroom, a lookout post, and 2 exercise wheels and probably a ¼ mile of tubing to connect everything. After having one hamster for a week, we returned to the pet store to buy him a society.

We brought our hamster along in his mobile outpost. “Can we see if he’ll get along with a couple of these hamsters?” I asked the pimply attendant in the Rodent Room.

“He won’t.” replied our post-puberty host. “Hamsters fight.” He had a rat on his shoulder. It was his best feature.

“We could buy a mate, then. We don’t want him to be alone.”

Rat-lad shrugged. He grabbed a book and read aloud to me,

“Hamsters are solitary creatures with nasty social dispositions. They should be together only for breeding, and even then the results of combining two hamsters can be very unpredictable.”

It was then that I knew, after 20+ years of dating, countless boyfriends and 3 husbands, that at last I had found my soul mate. He cost $1.99. His name is Howard. We both enjoy running, eating fruits and vegetables, being out of drafts, and having our shit in a room separate from our sleeping quarters. Neither of us is inclined to go looking for a dinner party.



I understand Howard in a way that I am not understood by my loved ones. For instance, knowing what I do about hamsters, I do not force Howard to mingle with his own nasty kind, and yet a week does not go by that my husband isn’t trying to ease me into some awful social situation.

“It’s just dinner. I’ll cook! We have a great house for entertaining…They’re my friends.” He will whine, trying everything.

It’s true. Like Howard, we have a large house with many rooms. We have all the best in home entertainment systems. We have more than one living room, more than one room designated for ‘dining’, something I prefer to only do ‘out’.

I have always considered the terms ‘formal dining’ to be in the same family as ‘exploratory surgery’ on the ole I Want To Do It scale. Either way, the enormous oak table that dominates our huge barren dining room is perfect.



His friends are trouble for me. They iron their clothes and laugh at stuff that isn’t really funny; they use the word ‘cute’ to describe things they admire, like talking baby movies or short pink pants. They own ceramic wildlife figurines. Smiling bears... chipmunks too terrible to face. Geese in aprons. Save me, Howard…

I do not blend easily into this sort of society.

It’s a bad situation for everyone. What I lack in social grace and conversation skills, I make up for in furtiveness and sweat glands. Even a simple question like, “What have you been up to?” can trigger a response so awkward or just plain lurid that only an explosion or rectal bleeding can move us past it.



I have the sort of friends who wouldn’t think to invite me to dinner unless there was a darker and more sinister intent. “I need you to keep watch while I break into this guy’s house and get back my Vicodan™.

THEN I’ll buy us pizza!”

Purposeful relationships that provide amusing stories,

“And then, just as Cindy was inside the guy’s house, silhouetted perfectly in the window going through his pants pockets, he walked up and stood beside me on the sidewalk. ‘I think she is having trouble moving on,’ I said, and together we watched her move on to ransacking his dresser drawers. Later we talked about restraining orders over pizza and beer, and how they just didn’t mean much anymore. “Like we had something special,” Cindy snorted.



This story is not one Eric’s friends, not a hamster among them, would enjoy or even understand. Yet, desperate for something, anything, to share, I tell it at our ill-advised dinner “party.”

“She broke into this person’s house? And got caught?”

Yvonne asks, confused as to why this is amusing.

“Yes!” I enthuse, “She always gets caught. Last week she got caught peeking through windows. She was trying to figure out if this guy she liked was attached. He was. His wife screamed when Cindy’s head loomed up into their bedroom window.”

Yvonne and her husband Doug exchange signal looks that they imagine only other pretty, fashionable people can decipher. I want to eat my young in front of them, as I know Howard would.

They leave by 9:00. Eric and I stay up and finish the bottle of wine they brought. Eric likes everyone, he has many comfortable acquaintances. He doesn’t ever feel ill at ease with people, unless they yell, cry real tears over their 2nd bottle of wine and keep talking about loving hamsters more than people. That tends to put him on edge.

Did I mention that Howard stays up all night making unholy racket and then sleeps all day? He is truly my better half...

sparticle 03-29-2004 02:49 PM

God, this woman is brilliant. What's the URL to her blog?

It sounds like something I would write.

Maybe I did write it. Nasty fugue states anyway. But they make great excuses!

Smartypants 03-29-2004 03:23 PM

This e-mail just arrived. Recycled humor, yes, but it sill made me laugh:

One night George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House
bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing beside him. Bush
looks up and asks, "George, what's the best thing I can do to help
the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington
advises, then fades away.

The next night, Bush is astir again when he sees the ghost of Thomas
Jefferson moving silently around the bedroom. Bush calls out: "Tom,
please! What is the best thing I could do to help the country?"

"Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises, and then
dims from sight.

The third night sleep still evades Bush. He sees the ghost of FDR
Hovering over his bed. Bush lowers his voice and asks, "Franklin, What
is the best thing I could do to help the country?"

In that golden voice of his, FDR replies, "Help the less fortunate,
Just as I did," and then he disappears.

Bush still isn't sleeping well the fourth night. He tosses and
turns, and suddenly another figure moves out of the shadows. It's the
ghost of Abraham Lincoln.

"Abe," Bush pleads, "what's the best thing I can do right now to help
the country?"

Lincoln pauses, then replies, "Go see a play."

JesusTitties 03-29-2004 03:33 PM

i saw a homeless guy doing the macarena last week on the street for money.
now, homelessness is not funny - nor is his situation. but when you are stuck at a red light at rush hour and watching this, it is rather amusing.

lvlycwgirl 03-31-2004 07:01 PM

I was explaining to my little boy the medicinal benefits of Aloe Vera plants. I told him how to break off a piece of the plant and rub the "goo" on his burn. "Then do I sprinkle gunpowder on it and light it with a match?"

Apparently my little boy watches to many cowboy movies.

ally 03-31-2004 07:33 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by daverbee
This. Once again from I Am Eating My Husband's Soul:

My Hamster, My Self


He had a rat on his shoulder. It was his best feature.


ohhh man, all of that made me laugh, but that one sentance had me in tears!!!

maychorian 03-31-2004 08:50 PM

I go to a conservative college, and it nobody gives anyone the finger. However, a friend offered an alternative: stick up your pinky.

"That means: 'I hope you die a virgin,'" he said excitedly. "Isn't it worse?"

Man, I love that kid. He makes me laugh all the time.

Frieda 03-31-2004 08:53 PM

"are you german?"

made me laugh AGAIN :D and out loud too! :D:D

sparticle 03-31-2004 08:53 PM

The Great Bacon Fiasco, or, "Jesus Wept"

Avalon 03-31-2004 09:37 PM

QUOTE]Originally posted by Frieda
i had

4-cheese pizza with plastic still on the bottom
[/quote]

Oh Frieda..this one hit home and gave me a good laugh, thanks hon :)

Wldchld 03-31-2004 10:17 PM

I have been trying to explain to my 4yr old that lying is not good, we always try to tell the truth. He told a lie earlier & I asked him why he lied. He said "I'm sorry Mommy, but I didn't lie. I just told you the wrong truth."

Trying not to snicker I explained that "the wrong truth" is a lie.

Avalon 03-31-2004 10:50 PM

We had to have the same talk..only about lying by omission.
"I didn't lie, I didn't even tell her"

The best was when my daughter brought home some badly done school work, and my husband told her : I do not want to see papers like this again. Well, we didn't lol.....She just didn't bring them home anymore! So when we asked her..any bad papers in your bag? She always said no...and there weren't, so she didn't think it was a lie. First grade logic ;)

catbelly 03-31-2004 11:18 PM

Heh ... wldchld and Avalon... are you available to go back in time approx. 30 years and speak to my ex-husband about these issues? :)

Yeh the JesusTitties Bacon Debacle made me laugh out loud today! Can't fry bacon without thinking of JT.

Coffee 03-31-2004 11:57 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by catbelly


Yeh the JesusTitties Bacon Debacle made me laugh out loud today! Can't fry bacon without thinking of JT.

:mad: That's it...no more bacon for you miss!!
:D

catbelly 04-01-2004 12:02 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Coffee
:mad: That's it...no more bacon for you miss!!
:D

\

Admit it, sir, you were thinking about that TOO when the bacon started popping and spitting :)

Dark Chocolate 04-01-2004 12:43 AM

zenbabe’s post in the current events forum about Richard Simmons bitchslapping a cagedancer. Hahaha!:D

Frieda 04-01-2004 03:13 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Avalon
QUOTE]Originally posted by Frieda
i had

4-cheese pizza with plastic still on the bottom



Oh Frieda..this one hit home and gave me a good laugh, thanks hon :)
[/quote]
hey, i'll eat plastic for you any time :p

Spicy Jack 04-01-2004 05:56 PM

This Just In:

"Speaking of stupidity, I put on the wrong pants this morning and didn't discover it untill i got to work. There's a huge hole in the crotch. I'm wearing crotchless pants at work! Aren't you the one who went thru my closet?!? Shouldn't you've thrown these pants out?! "

I love my friends!

sparticle 04-01-2004 06:12 PM

PC Maintenance Instructions:

1. Open a new file in your PC
2. Name it "George W. Bush"
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin
4. Your PC will ask you: "Do you really want to get rid of George W. Bush?"
5. Answer "Yes" by firmly left-clicking the mouse button

Repeat as needed.

Avalon 04-01-2004 06:14 PM

Frieda, you're a sweetheart :)

zenbabe 04-01-2004 07:52 PM

All time new favorite Lifetime movie quote:

"What would you do if you had him?"

"I would put his privates in a vice grip, clamp it down hard, lock it, then put his switchblade down next to him....then I would light the room on fire....."

Spicy Jack 04-01-2004 07:52 PM

nice.

Wldchld 04-01-2004 09:32 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Avalon
We had to have the same talk..only about lying by omission.
"I didn't lie, I didn't even tell her"

The best was when my daughter brought home some badly done school work, and my husband told her : I do not want to see papers like this again. Well, we didn't lol.....She just didn't bring them home anymore! So when we asked her..any bad papers in your bag? She always said no...and there weren't, so she didn't think it was a lie. First grade logic ;)

I used to do that when I was a kid!lol I got in soooo much trouble. But I didn't "lie". Now I'm thinking of what I have to look forward to in the next few years. Fun fun fun!:D

Hermione 04-02-2004 04:21 AM

"We regretfully inform you that we cannot offer you admission for Fall 2004"

Translation:

"we hate you. you're not good enough"

zenbabe 04-02-2004 05:29 AM

HAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHHAAAAAAAAAAA!

:D

Spicy Jack 04-16-2004 03:37 PM

The people installing the fire alarm system in our hospital have set it off like 5 times today by mistake. All the doors slam shut (and there are doors like every 10 feet) and the look on the patients faces are priceless. Workers are running around trying to get the lady on the PA to announce that it is only a test. It just struck me as funny for some reason.

Avalon 04-16-2004 07:21 PM

this did make me laugh:)


Barbara Walters of 60 Minutes (USA) did a story on gender roles in
Kabul several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women
customarily
walked about 5 paces behind their husbands.


She returned to Kabul recently and observed that women still walk
behind their husbands, but now seem to walk even further back and are
happy with
the old custom.


Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do
you
now seem happy with the old custom that you used to try and change?"


"Land mines," said the woman.

Audreyvgs 04-18-2004 10:54 AM

My husband threw french fries at the dogs to see if they could catch, and then I wanted to try. I was runnin like 25-1 against getting one, they were hitting me (not hard) in the lips, eyes, and ears...finally one went down my throat by itself and i had to quit, I was laughin too hard to see anyway...so was everybody else, and the Bink was rollin on the floor laughin.

Magpie 04-18-2004 12:01 PM

Aud, Aud, Aud... might I suggest video taping your next dog tricks to share with us all? I just want to know, were you on your hands and knees too while attempting this? :D

Audreyvgs 04-18-2004 01:41 PM

hahhah I was sittin in one of those plastic chairs outside, and i damn near broke it. no movies. no proof.

Magpie 04-18-2004 02:03 PM

Stupid human tricks ;)

sparticle 04-18-2004 05:57 PM

All the drunken antics on the board last night. Laughing fit to pee my pants. :D

zenbabe 04-18-2004 05:58 PM

not a single thing has made me laugh today.

Audreyvgs 04-18-2004 10:59 PM

My friend Stevie (from Maine) said he saw this last week with his own eyes, and at least 5 other people had to have seen it as well.

You know those women who dress all up to go to the grocery store, then leave their cart where other people can hit it, well this one parks right first spot next to the lane in front of the grocery store, and when she comes out she looks around for where to leave the cart, and its just as easy to return it to the store, so she walks over to the walkway, and just shoves it up the ramp, where it stops in front of the doors. She turns around to go back to the car, and stops for a moment to let a car pass, and at that moment the cart comes back down the ramp by itself and smacks her right in the ass.

sparticle 04-19-2004 12:33 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Audreyvgs
My friend Stevie (from Maine) said he saw this last week with his own eyes, and at least 5 other people had to have seen it as well.

You know those women who dress all up to go to the grocery store, then leave their cart where other people can hit it, well this one parks right first spot next to the lane in front of the grocery store, and when she comes out she looks around for where to leave the cart, and its just as easy to return it to the store, so she walks over to the walkway, and just shoves it up the ramp, where it stops in front of the doors. She turns around to go back to the car, and stops for a moment to let a car pass, and at that moment the cart comes back down the ramp by itself and smacks her right in the ass.

WOOOHOOOO!!!!!!! Where's a video camera when you need one? :D

Smartypants 04-19-2004 09:30 PM

This just appeared in my in-box:

"Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in El Paso who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus._ My parents live in a suburb of Westway and one of my sisters, who lives in Canutillo, is married to a transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana._ They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Juarez.

I have two brothers._ One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994._ My other brother is currently in jail awaiting trial on charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.

I recently became engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Fabens._ She is still a part-time 'working girl.'

_All things considered. _My problem is this:_ I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family._ I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her._

Should I tell her about my cousin who is a Republican?

Signed,

Worried About My Reputation."

sparticle 04-19-2004 10:54 PM

HAHAHAHAHAHA, Smartypants!


Today's excitement chez Sparticle:

Some chowderhead failed to secure the lid on a paint tin and it tipped onto the shelf edge and dripped slowly into one of the litterboxes.

The biggest cat in the house, Gus, who has six toes on each foot (his hind paws are like elongated catcher's mitts), jumped into the litter box and was horrified to find it full of paint.

Think Jackson Pollack meets Rube Goldberg.

Gus went flying through the house with me chasing him. Thank God the paint was washable acrylic. But he left about 20 huge spots of white behind him. I finally captured him and put him out, where he sat in the grass trying to rub and chew the paint off and making indignant, embarrassed faces.

I'm probably about a fi'tty-cent cab ride from the HaHa Hotel for laughing about all this, but you had to be there. Key-rist, what a sight! :D


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