two words: no sugar

No sugar, eh?

In hell to have sex you have to fill in a form, have it signed by seven city officials, get a stamp of approval from the mayor with a number on it, then you go to a waiting room with a counter*. You wait for ages for your number (no pun intended), but when it finally appears the counter always jumps by one more digit.

*confusingly set to binary numbers

In hell, you can have sex anytime you want with whoever you want, but no one ever pays any attention to you no matter what.

In hell, the bus you need to catch is always leaving when you're half a block away.

in hell, you have constant annoying crusty boogers, and you're made to wear mittens so you can't pick your nose.

In hell, everyone's just a little deaf and you have to repeat everything you say at least twice to make yourself understood.

In hell we always have a hangnail on our index fingers.

In hell it is possible to regulate any industry's prices except for the industry that the president of hell has a financial interest in.

In hell, the only bathroom is always occupied whenever you need to use it.

In hell, our shampoo and our pancake syrup are indistinguishable.

In hell you can never find the staple-eater except when you're looking for the stapler, and if you've just seen the stapler you're looking for, all you can find is the staple-eater.

Especially when you're in a hurry.

in hell, you have to cold call.

In hell, all the cats are Siamese.

In hell, Muzak is piped in everywhere nonstop.

hell:it's a bulletin board