unfortunate cookies
 

The other day a friend of mine was telling about the worst fortune she ever received from a cookie:

"All is not lost. Yet."

You will soon meet a talk, dark, and homicidal stranger.

Wear clean underwear next Tuesday. I'm just saying.

the hunan pork was not a good idea.

"Avoid caged monkies"

No one is interested in your "project".

Even when things seem to be going well, you will have spinach in your teeth.

May contain nuts.

You should have put that thread in the Fiction Project.

You can't have your cake and eat it too, so why not try one of our delicious lo-cal banana fritters?

You will date a woman with an afro far superior to yours.

A wise man will not reveal his interest in sourcing women's apparel.

I'd lay off the cookies if I were you, chubbs.

this may be your very last cookie

he's just not right for you, you know.

You'll never learn to converse credibly about wine.

Chin up -- Chapped lips are a virtue in some countries.

you will continue to exist in your broken marriage until the last dregs of love are drained from the shattered cup of your relationship.

we hope you enjoyed this crunchy protein filled cookie made from real cockroaches

You must be really desperate to resort to cookie advice and you don't want to hear the rest of your personal lot because you are in suicidal mood anyway.

Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese cookie factory!

The guy behind you has scabies.

Your life wouldn't be any better if you stopped smoking and lost weight.

Maybe she's just like that.

you are an insurance salesman at heart

You will spend too much time on the internet this weekend.

You will soon choose a hairstyle that is unflattering.

Cat meat increases libido. No MSG.

When your time comes, the end will be with osteoporosis, Depends, bad eyesight, and a nasty disposition. But look at the bright side, you will also have alzheimers so you won't remember any of it.

there's a giant tongue in your toilet.

Nothing interesting.

Look no further.

it doesn't get any better than this

You've won this round of The Dictionary Game.

she sees through you, and she's bored.

Your cat is a space alien

Good you are well insured against most calamities.

don't forget your knee brace

You're so gullible you probably think this fortune's about you.

You always hurt the one you love.