500 Random Spells for the Dying Earth
 

This page amused me:
http://www.ruf.rice.edu/~pound/dyingearth.html

I thought it might be fun if we picked one of these spells (or made up our own) and explained the effect.

I'll start.

Vradco's trim thunderclap:
Upon casting, this spell produces a clap of thunder exactly one second long. Just enough to scare the bejeebers out of that annoying neighbor yelling at his dog or the person at your door trying to sell you pest control after ringing the bell directly under the "No Soliciting" sign.

Martz's improper hole

Causes a severe case of acute diarrhea upon casting.

Safety note: make sure to include the target's name with the spell or the caster will become target.

Trixie's Basenjitic Invocation -- imposes laryngitis on another spell-caster.

The agency of genial sage

Successful casting on a cooked meal gives the illusion of tastiness even where no spices are available.

Gaualip's offensive spud

One potato in the victim's house will rot from the inside out. No outward evidence will be detectable, rather the affected spud will burst once touched, leaving a foul smell in the room for days.

Acme Chest of 401K

Cannot be opened until after age 65, but then it matches whatever money there is within 10 feet of it.

The pattern of provisional lull

Delivers change management to the profoundly resistive. Endurance of only one turn.

Krentseba's wide graduate
Adds 10 pounds of fat to victim's weight for each year of college completed.

Acme Favorite Finger

A successful cast of this spell spikes the victim's blood pressure, promotes irrational rage, and often results in escalation of the encounter from name-calling and gesturing to physical confrontation.

The charm of redundant suspense

Cast on spouse, creates a sleep-wake cycle that will guarantee repeated playback of portions of that movie you're watching together.

Acme Stone of Harm

Cast accurately, and with some force, at the opposing mage's head, this stone is large enough to distract even the most powerful wizard from the spell he is trying to cast.

Kylasmat's agreeable failure

Not really a good spell, but better than nothing, Kylasmat's agreeable failure causes your good-for-nothing brother-in-law to rise up from his permanent place on your couch and get his own beer for a change.

does this one come in a problem management version too?

Acme Charm of Plain Speaking

Wear this around your neck and it automatically translates what people say into what they mean. Some examples:

I love a challenge. This job sucks.


Really? You've got to be shtting me!


I don't think you understand. Shove it up your arse.


Perhaps you should check with... Tell someone who gives a sht.


So you weren't happy with it? Kiss my arse.


I'm not sure this can be implemented. This sht won't work.


He's not familiar with the issues. He's got his head up his arse.


Excuse me, sir? Eat sht and die.


I think you could use more training. You don't know what the fvck you're doing.


He's somewhat insensitive. He's a fvcking prck.


That's interesting. What the fvck?


Perhaps I can work late. And when the fvck do you expect me to do this?


I'm certain that isn't feasible. No fvcking way.


I wasn't involved in the project. It's not my fvcking problem.


I'll try to schedule that. Why the fvck didn't you tell me sooner?


Oh, I see. Blow me.

For you? Anything! :D