In hell, we can never find the tweezers.

In hell, you walk around with a huge boner all the time, and every time you try to touch it some imp bites your hand off, but every once in a while a demon will come along and reach out and grasp it and for a moment you think you're going to get some relief and then he rips it off and throws it into a pit and you scream until you look down and see it has all grown back and you have a huge boner again, and when you try to touch it to reassure yourself of your old friend, imps come by and bite your hands off again.

In hell, you somehow always end up saying the opposite of what you actually want to say.

In hell all grant requests are a day late no matter how early you submit them.

Until, one day, it doesn't. When that time comes you're required to sing out loud all of your requests in a falsetto voice which makes everybody turn their backs on you.

Hell has no poets.

The only ice-cream stand in hell sells unusual flavours... They make you burn slowly from the inside, too.

in hell, it's always allergy season, and there are no kleenex.

In hell, the shortage of kleenex is due to the fact that it became the basic material for food-processing industries. All food is made of tissue paper and tastes like it, too.

In hell no one judges The Dictionary Game

in hell, there are only ill-fitting brassieres.

In hell your cup chafes so bad you take it out -- and instantly a foul tip catches you in the nuts.

in hell, you've lost your 3-iron.

In Hell if you misbehave they say you will suffer for eternity on Earth if you don't shape up.

in hell you have a lot of work to do the next day so you try to be good and get to sleep at 10 only to wake up again at 1:30 in a panic because it's spring and you've left the houseplants outside and it might be too cold for them and then you get up and find that it's not that cold after all and now you're awake in the middle of the night and you've got no idea what to do with yourself.

so you bring the houseplants in anyway.

every night.