fake blog
 

Tuesday, September 30th, 2003 10:00 AM
I got into a disagreement with a coworker about which was stronger, Superman or the Incredible Hulk. I hit him with my fax machine. Sparks flew into the air, and smoke rose up. Now my fax machine is broken and I’ve killed my coworker.

Tuesday, September 30th, 2003 3:00 PM
I saw my coworker who I thought I killed getting a cup of coffee from the lounge area. I walked up to him and apologized, and he gave me this weird look. Then I realized it wasn’t my coworker I hit with the fax machine- it was my computer. They both start with “c,” you know? I just got confused. So now both my computer and fax machine are broken. Darn!

Any comments for today’s blog entry?

Tuesday, September 30th, 2003 5:00 PM
Luckily the peon next to me is on stress leave and I can use her computer. Her cubicle is full of Hello Kitty paraphenelia... for some reason I find it arousing!! I wonder what Hello Kitty wears underneath that dress? Do Kitties wear underwear? They don't usually wear clothing anyway, do they? I must google this.

Tuesday, September 30th, 7:30 PM
Oh my! Hello Kitty vibraters. It’s as if the good lord himself were trying to speak to me in some sort of code. Wow! I must really be special. I think I might get that hello kitty fetish lingerie and vibrator. Yes.

I have been looking in the classified section of the newspaper trying to find a used fax machine. I need something to hit people with, and since the fax machine doesn’t work, that’s what I use. Doesn’t that make sense? No? Well, screw you. Since I couldn’t figure out how to get the computer to work, I think I’ve taken care of two problems at once by hitting it with the defunct fax machine. I’m going to ask for a raise tomorrow.

I can’t ignore this nagging urge for head cheese much longer. God, I wish Michelle would stoop looking at me that way! It makes me lusty. Look at the way she rolls her eyes, the way she crinkles her nose, narrows her eyes, and makes that tight little frown. I think it means she is attracted to me!

Wednesday, October 1, 4:01 pm
Head cheese sandwich was delicious. The addition of stinky cheese really made it - note to self - buy more stinky cheese. I read that stinky cheese makes women horny because it contains pure unadulterated bull pheromone. Michelle was making that face at me again - come to think of it, during lunch she never stopped making that face... holy moley, was it the stinky cheese? Maybe I should keep some at my desk? Would that be too obvious? I don't want to appear desperate. Maybe I will wipe some on the underside of the desk so the smell can permeate my area without the cheese being in full frontal evidence.

Thursday, October 2, 3:13 pm

I can’t believe it! Today a new memo was issued in the office prohibiting employees from eating certain foods in the office, including garlic, that Norwegian fermented fish dish that I like so much, and, get this: STINKY CHEESE! I’m so pissed. I mean, it’s not like it really matters now, but I know how Michelle is so turned on by the cheese, and I remember distinctly the way her face contorted with sheer unadultrated passion when I brought the Norwegian fish. I showed them, though, the bastards.

On a positive note, I found a fax machine for sale in the paper yesterday. I called the people, and we arranged for me to go there on my lunch break today. Well, this one is even worse (better) than the last one. Right when I plugged it in, it started giving me all kinds of error messages. The people selling the machine explained to me that it was broken, but I just pretended to be a repairman. Heh. Five bucks! What a deal. I was so happy, I almost forgot to ask for my raise.

I didn’t, though. And guess what? It turns out that I don’t even work here. I swear I must’ve been here like five years! The boss said that after that time I tried to write Michelle an e-mail, I was fired. I don’t remember any of this. If I weren’t so confused, I would’ve put my new used fax machine to good use on my boss’s head. Well, now that I don’t work here, what should I do to say goodbye to Michelle? I thought about the way my stinky cheese turned her on, and, risking everything, I put the smallest slice in her desk, with a note telling her how much I love her, and how I know how she feels about me. I felt giddy with happiness after I left.

Until next time, I am yours truly,
Larry Dumbo.

Monday, October 6th, 9:30 PM

Today I saw Michelle at the unemployment office. Seeing her made my heart beat a little bit faster, and I couldn’t help but smile. I tried waving at her, but she didn’t seem to notice me, so I said, “hey, Michelle!” a little louder so she would hear me. Then she turned around and gave me “the look.” I think all she needed to see was the big, toothy smile on my face to know that her feelings of love for me were reciprocated.

We didn’t get to talk, though, because she was ahead of me in line, and left right away. It didn’t even occur to me until after she left that she shouldn’ be here. I just thought she was coming to visit me or something. I guess they fired her. Could it have been the stinky cheese I put in her desk?

Well, it’s probably for the best; they were going to ruin our relationship anyway, with their stupid rules about fish and stinky cheese. On my way back home I had another head cheese sandwich. They’re so hard to get these days. I think it’s really sad that nobody appreciates head cheese anymore. It’s one of the finer things in life.

How am I ever going to get a date with Michelle? Should I give her my number the next time I see her at the unemployment office? Should I offer her a head cheese sandwich? A wedding ring? What do you think?

Tuesday, October 7th, 3:37 pm

Man, being out of work sucks the big one. There's the boredom... well, that's pretty much it. And no office machines... And, dammit, this Hello Kitty vibrator is defective. I only used it for a couple of hours yesterday and the battery died on me. There must be something wrong with the unit...
I found Michelle's number on Google, and left her a message. Haven't heard back from her yet... Wonder if I should call her again?

Tuesday, October 7th, 4:12 pm
Just tried calling Michelle again. Left another message. Where could she be?

Tuesday, October 7th, 5:03 pm
Okay, I'm getting pissed now. She's not calling me back. Is she playing hard to get? Is she maybe seeing somebody? Oh my God - was she maybe in a car accident??? Or maybe she's trapped under some large object and can't get to the phone!!!! Shite... Okay - I'll try one more time and if she doesn't pick up, I'm going over there.

Wednesday, October 8th, 8:15 am
Spent the night outside Michelle's place. She never came home... I wonder if she got my last message? I let her know I'd be stopping by... You'd think she'd have left a message letting me know she was out, since I expressed so much concern for her... Too tired to think straight. Good thing I'm not working.

Wednesday, October 8th, 12:15 pm

Called mom, told her about Michelle and me. At least I hope she got the gist of it. But it sounded like she's been off her meds, so she thought I was from the IRS at first, then when I tried to explain about Michelle, she called me Peter and asked me how I could be so cruel to her after Batman Returns was such a success.

After the call I was feeling a little depressed. So, you know what that means, back to the deli for more stinky cheese and a surprise... they had Garlic-And-Lox Stinky Cheese. Ivar behind the counter gave me a look when I asked him to put it "on my tab" but he did it anyway.

Thursday, October 9th, 9:30 pm (I think- the damn computer clock is faulty.)

Today I applied for several jobs. Mostly office jobs, but I also applied to work for my brother, who owns a costume business, to promote his business as a costumed character, but only for a couple of weeks. My brother said that the chicks dig costumed characters. When I told him about Michelle, he said that if I played chess the way I’m chasing women, I’d lose every time-- I need to look around, keep my options open. He also said maybe I’d have more luck if I stopped lugging this broken fax machine around with me everywhere, and holding it as if it were my baby. My brother doesn’t know anything.

Then again, maybe he’s right. I dunno. I think he takes after my dad more-- more rational, more intellectual. I’m crazy, like mom. Who am I to say what’s logical? Shut up. Seriously, though- maybe that’s why that cute HR lady was giving me that funny look at that one interview-- the fax machine. Hmm. Or was it the half-finished head cheese sandwich?

I’m not sure where I should go to repair the hello kitty vibrator. At least I have the lingerie-- and, I’ve got to admit, I look SEXY in that suggestive garb. Yes, this could be the new me.:D

I went by the deli again. Paid the tab. Talked to Ivar about my current situation. He seemed to think working as a costumed character was a good idea, but wouldn’t give me a straight answer as to whether or not I looked goofy lugging around the fax machine. Damn Ivar, he knows me too well. He concluded by saying “you know, Larry, to my way of tinking, der’s nuttin’ what can’t be fixed wit’ a nice hunk of head cheese.” Amen to that!

Wednesday, October 8, 12:30 pm
Just realized that I didn't cross the international date line like I thought. Note to self, re-calibrate watch and fix the DeLorean.

Michelle, Michelle, Michelle, Michelle
how I enjoy your wide-eyed stare
your affinity for stinky cheese
brings me down, aye, to my knees
Wherefore art thou, ma petite quenelle?

I got a fax today on my machine that told me my apartment building is an alien being. I am living in its gall bladder! I don't know what to do, what if I am like a gall stone and the alien has an operation to get rid of me?? I am very concerned. I might write to my governor about it but I can't find my pen. I think my dog stole it to make his grocery list. He always buys the same damn things, I don't know why he makes a list.

Wednesday, October 8, 2:00 pm
Goddamn widgets! Gah!

Wednesday, October 8, 4:02 pm

Just found out there's an opening for a new apartment up in the lung. May move on up like George Jefferson.

Wednesday, October 8, 4:03pm

God damned phlegm beat me to the lung. Sheesh good living space disappears quickly around here. Am on the lookout for higher ground.

Thursday, October 9, Early am.

Oh, man. I woke up with my feet in the refrigerator again. I think there was something wrong with the last batch of head cheese from Ivar. This is the third time I'd had a head cheese trip after buying Ivar's "homemade" blend. He always winks when he hands to me, but each time after I'd eaten it I'd woken with my feet in the refrigerator. I will have to remember to ask him about it when I pick up some more this afternoon.

Thankfully my sanity was soon fully restored, so I grabbed my fax machine and decided to get down to catch the end of the all-night Barbra Streisand festival at the local cinema. I wasn't too sure whether I needed it, but just to be safe I paid for an extra ticket for the fax machine. I walked in to find I was just in time for What's Up Doc? Ryan O'Neal is my favourite actor.

Somewhere during the car chase I drifted off to sleep and dreamt of Michelle.

Thursday, October 9, 10:09 p.m.

Well, I took the bus over to my brother’s shop today and dressed up in this silly costume: a giant lizard-man with a big, goofy grin. I had to hold a sign that read:

Get ready for Halloween at:
Joe’s Costume Shop
your number one source
for interesting and outlandish costumes!
Open Monday-Friday, 9 AM to 7 PM.
Halloween Special!
buy a costume here between now and the end of October, and you’ll recieve
A 30% DISCOUNT!

And stood in front of the store for 3 hours. Then I went inside, removed the costume and cooled off, my brother gave me some bottled water and a hot dog, and we talked for a while,then I got beck in the costume and paraded around for another 3 hours. Then I went inside and changed and went to the deli to eat a head cheese sandwich. It was kind of exhausting, and it was emotionally draining to be away from my fax machine for so long. But the warmth of the costume provided welcome relief for my cold-numbed feet. And women actually smiled at me! At least some women did. I was hoping I’d see Michelle, but I never did. I saw this pretty women I pass by sometimes when I go to the deli, though. She looked at me for what seemed like a long time. I wonder if she was checking me out?

I guess I should be thankful my brother is self-employed. He didn’t make me sign any forms or anything. “Strictly under the table,” is what he said this was. I guess I’ll be doing this for the next month, until halloween. I guess it’s better than a real job. I don’t know. I don’t know if I’ve ever had a real job.

Looking over my past few posts, I’m really puzzled. I mean, how did I recieve any faxes at all if my fax machine is broken? I looked around my house to try to find the faxes I supposedly recieved, but all I found was a sheet of paper with the words: “From the apartment: you are in my gall bladder! Anananaaa! Michelle.” in sloppy handwriting that I recognized as being sort of like my own handwriting. I wonder, did I write this? Or did my mother come by my apartment at some point? If I wrote this, then is the pure, unadultrated bull pheromone driving me mad? I’d hate to have to give up stinky cheese.

10/14/03 8:30 pm

I got a sore throat the day before yesterday, so I decided to take matters into my own hands, seeing as how I don’t have health insurance. I brewd a big pot of coffee, and poured it out in two pans. I added cream & sugar per usual. Then I let it sit. This morning, the mold was thick enough for my satisfaction. Nothin’ like home-grown penecillin for the nasties.

Gllerrrr! It tastes awful. But then, it must be helping: no pain, no gain, right? I thought I’d share this idea with you, my unknown audience. I hope you take my wisdom to heart: don’t pay eighty dollars for what you can do yourself for next to nothin’.

The costume job is going well. My bro has been offering me advice on the love scene. He’s such a great guy. But he doesn’t seem to understand the effects of pure unadulterated bull pheromone.

I love you people! My audience! My wonderful, wonderful audience! I will keep you posted!
I will share the minutest details of my life with you! We will get through this TOGETHER.

Love,

Larry Dumbo.

Thursday October 16, 2003. 11:08 am

I got another fax, I think?? I know my machine is broken, but I think it is using the potential energy stored in its atoms (it's a Panasonic) to convert the ambient thermal energy from my apartment heater (electric, manufacturer unknown) into electrical energy which it uses to pick up electrical signals from the mother ship. The trouble is, once it receives a fax I think it must teleport the fax to various locations in my apartment - gasp - probably because the electrical appliances create a magnetic field that synchronizes with the fax machine/mother ship interface!! I don't know why I didn't think of this before. I should map the points and find out whether it is possible that they are in a configuration that would allow me to travel through space.

I am feeling a bit funny. I wonder if I ate something that didn't agree with me. That doesn't seem likely since all I had was head cheese sandwiches and penicillin. OooOOOoOOOoohhhHHhhhhh. I have to go -

Thursday October 16, 2003. 7:38 pm

SHE CALLED! OMG she called, SHE CALLED, She Called... and boy did she have a lot to say. I was screening my calls as usual when I heard her voice! She Called! I picked up the receiver and she couldn't stop telling me everything she believes in. She's developed quite a set of viewpoints, too, Immigrants rights, the environment, labor laws.

She's also been hobnobbing too, preparing for our future together, because she handed the phone to Bill Clinton. He wanted to talk politics too, so I listened patiently "Yes, Mr. President. Of Course Sir... ha ha ah!" At the end, my sweet Michele got back on and thanked me for being there and taking an interest in her new calling.

We got disconnected somehow. Of course, she must have been busy with all her new friends, because when I tried to call her back, her line was busy. I guess she must have been entertaining Mr. Clinton.

This called for another trip to the Deli. Ivar was so impressed with my success that he gave me his great grandmother's recipe for colds. It contains... you guessed it! Stinky Cheese, Garlic, head cheese and fermented Braunschweiger. At only $16/ounce, what a bargain! I only got three pounds, though, and put it on my brother's amex.

Michelle, Michelle, goddess of love!
So sweet, my peaceful turtledove
My dream came finally halfway true,
When on the telephone- ‘twas you!
I felt my heart go pitter-pat,
picked up the phone, heavily sat,
and reminisced about your face,
that tiny frown I can’t erase,
those furrowed brows of deep concern,
It is for you, Michelle, I yearn!

Oh how did I this fortune earn?
to hear her on my phone today--
How did my life take such a turn?
now I know I’ll be okay.

Although we may be far apart,
You warm and soothe my thumping heart,
And, like the subatomic particles of quantum science,
we are entangled, against all odds, in defiance!
For, at night, I feel the music of your thoughts.
Then you must feel mine, too… connect the dots

Saturday, October 18, 2003; 1:37 pm

A. Data:
One dubious recieved fax
Supportive evidence:
1. One blog entry insinuating receipt of said fax.
2. One piece of fax paper with writing on it.

B. Data:
Fax machine is broken.
Supportive evidence:
1. Couple who sold it to me told me it’s broken. They had no reason to lie about this.
2. When I subsequently plugged it in, I got dozens of error messages.

C. Data:
Fax machine isn’t plugged into phone jack
Supportive evidence:
1. My own incontrovertable eyewitness testimony that the fax machine isn’t plugged into the phone jack (at least while I am conscious, alert, and in the presence of said fax machine in my apartment).

D. Data:
Fax machine isn’t plugged into AC outlet.
Supportive evidence:
1. My own incontrovertable eyewitness testimony that fax machine isn’t plugged into an AC outlet (at least while I am conscious, alert, and in the presence of said fax machine in my apartment).

E. Data:
Miracles can happen.
Supportive evidence:
Michelle called me. Doesn’t matter why. She called me. And she seemed happy.

F. Interpolation of said data:
If the fax machine has no power source, it must be running on ambient energy, and if the fax machine isn’t plugged into a phone jack, it must communicate with the mothership with electromagnetic impulses.
Supportive evidence:
See above data.

Conclusion:
If the fax machine printed a fax even though it is broken and even though it isn’t plugged into the phone jack or AC outlet, then that is a miracle. Since, as data item E suggests, miracles do happen, then this, the receipt of a fax by an apparently dead fax machine, is possible. One explanation is that the fax machine recieves ambient thermal energy from my electric heater and communicates via electromagnetic impulses from the mothership of all broken fax machines.

To test my hypothesis, I have affixed one (1) television antennae to my head, and wrapped myself in aluminum foil. If these fax machine signals are really travelling through space, I should be able to pick them up. Maybe the mothership can communicate the data that makes up my person to a distant location, thus making teleportation possible. I will repeat this experiment every night for at least one (1) year, or until I recieve a signal.

Monday, October 20, 2003. Noon.

I have turned up my electrical heater in hopes of stimulating my fax machine to receive more messages. It is very hot in here, and I am starting to develop a rash. Where is my Gold Bond powder?? I wonder if I should be removing the aluminum foil periodically? It is getting a bit sticky. Plus, I think I dropped some of my head cheese sandwich into my pants.

Tuesday, October 21, 2003 6:24 PM

I have taken to wearing long underwear under the aluminum foil-- it reduces the chafing and absorbs my natural body moisture, which stops that annoying rash from forming. I had a tough time sleeping last night. I kept itching all over. And the antennae made it difficult to position my head. Perhaps I should take off my outfit before going to bed…

As it turns out, the head cheese sandwich got smeared all over my hello kitty underwear. I don’t know how to get the smell out. And I don’t think I will ever get the stain out. Oh, well… maybe that bull pheromone will stimulate my libido.

At one point, I thought I might have caught a signal, though-- it felt like a kind of “throbbing” in my head. Of course, I experienced a similar throbbing sensation after eating that mold the other day. Hmm… does the mold help me communicate with the mothership?

WEDNESDAY OCTOBER 22, 2003, 2:13 PM!

I AM VERY EXCITED!! I THINK THE MOLD MIGHT ACTUALLY *BE* A SPECIES SEEDED ON EARTH BY BEINGS FROM THE MOTHERSHIP!

RESEARCH TO FOLLOW!!

Friday October 25th 7:00 p.m.

It is just as I suspected. The mold is a species seeded on earth from beings from the mothership.. Fortunately for me, I did not have to conduct extensive experimentation. I had a phone call from “people” claiming that my house needed new siding. Since I rent, I found this to be highly suspicious. Then I realized that it was not really siding they were trying to sell me. They were really trying to communicate important details about the mold but had to talk in code, since they realized my phone is tapped. Someone is ringing my doorbell, I have to get it. More details to follow.

Friday October 24, 2003 7:15 p.m.

Something must have happened with my sense of time by sleeping in that antennae. I realized my earlier entry has the wrong date. Is my mind melting?

My brother stopped by to drop off a costume. Apparently his business is branching out into renting out characters for adult parties. I am to debut at as one of the Village People at a party tomorrow night. He was kind of tight lipped about the nature of the party. I guess I won’t worry about the details, I can use the extra $20 bucks, and besides I get to be the cop! I am kind of disappointed that the gun is not real.

Getting back to the phone call from the “siding people”, this is what I discovered about the alien seeds. From what I can gather, I need to liquefy my hello kitty underwear with the mold (I will have to do some research on google on how to do this. If you can learn how to make your own stinky cheese on the internet, surely there must be something about liquefying hello kitty underwear? And what mold, the mold I have ingested, or the remaining mold leftover from my homemade cold rememdy? Oh, the logistics!) I am to let the mixture sit for 48 hours, and then drink it. I have been chosen to be the vessel to incubate the alien spawn. Then I am to mate with an attractive female, thereby impregnating her. I had trouble deciphering the rest. The sales person said something about life time guarantee on all work done…blah, blah, blah…. Just could not figure it out.

Sunday, October 26, 2003 4:15 p.m.

My mother bailed me out of jail this morning. I only got to make one phone call, and I could not bring myself to call my brother, that SOB. He is the one that got me into trouble in the first place.
Him and his damn get rich quick schemes. He did not tell me, that as part of this party, I was expected to whore myself out! Maybe I will journal the details later (of what I can remember). Right now, I have a bump on my head, my butt hurts, and I have a craving for a stinky cheese sandwhich with extra anchovies.

The charges brought against me are prostitution, drunk and disorderly, indecent exposure, resisting arrest etc., etc.,etc. I am going to have to get a good lawyer.

Monday, October 27, 2003. 1:48 pm.

Someone gave me the name of a lawyer, Mr. Beale Blues. I don't know if he can help me but I hope so. I need to have access to my fax machine and blender and Hello Kitty underwear to complete the project and impregnate Michelle, and how can I do that if I'm in jail??

Monday October 27, 2003 8:00 p.m.

Whew, I had a busy afternoon. I called Mr. Blues right away, and as luck would have it he was able to meet with me this afternoon. He is slick, I like the way he thinks. After hearing my story, he said he thinks I can avoid jail time, and maybe just get 5 years probation. He said the real criminal in this whole scenario is my brother for pimping me out. So we are going to turn him in. I did have some reservations, he is my brother after all, but Mr. Blues made me see the light.

After meeting with Mr. Blues, I went to the hardware store to purchase a few things that I will need for my incubating alien spawn plan. I am so excited that I was chosen by the Mothership to take part in this important experiment. I am awaiting to hear for further instructions from them so I can begin the process of liquefying my Hello Kitty underwear with the mold/alien seed.

Thursday, October 30, 2003

Well, I have found there is absolutely NO WAY to liquefy Hello Kitty underwear. I've sliced, I've diced, I've julienned them, put them in a pot of rat poison and battery acid on the stove to boil, still the innocuous fibers live...while my eyebrows and hair lie in a singed pile at my feet. Ohhh...they taunt me with rude fiber fingered hand gestures, speaking with their haughty French accents, mocking me with their cleverly witty little French phrases. Even the Mold/Alien seed, with it's far superior intellect cannot figure a way to defeat them. I had no idea that Hello Kitty underwear was made undercover in that horrid, wicked country. Damn the French and all their fancy lingerie! I have contacted the Mothership using my newly acquired telepathic powers. I was sent an invisible fax immediately...they did not want the paper evidence to be detected by the French spies that watch my house continually now. The fax said "Beware...Gerard Depardieu is a secret agent bent on destroying all of our plans...he MUST be stopped. Find a way to capture him at once so that we may poke, prod and otherwise torture him."

I am at a loss as to how to get to the evil Gerard...for now I am going to bury the putrid lump of Hello Kitty fibers that rest smugly on my stove in a very deep hole beneath the oak tree in my back yard. Maybe I will receive a call from my beloved Michele...Michele my belle...Mich..mi...wait a minute...isn’t that name...FRENCH????

Friday October 31, 2003, 10:35 p.m.

I am so afraid....As I write this, I am hiding under my bed. The French have invaded my apartment complex. It started right after dusk, they started knocking on my door yelling "Trick or Treat?"

What does this all mean?

I think they are trying to kill me.

Pray for my soul.

November 1, 1:48 AM

I am starting to calm down after the terror of this night. All those strange people dressed up in elaborate costumes, saying “trick or treat! trick or treat! trick or treat!” Obviously they were spies sent out by the United Galactic Council, to foil my plot to unbind myself from the shackles of this physical body and achieve true freedom with the help of the mold and the mothership.

Somehow there was something familiar about it, those children, dressed up in ridiculous costumes, carrying plastic pumpkins or bags, filled with something (mold?). I don’t know why, but I identified with it somehow. The UGC must have been counting on this strange personal resonance I have for costumed characters…

speaking of which, I spoke with mom yesterday. About my bro. I had reservations about telling her about that night, but I decided she would probably find out anyway in one of her lucid moments. So I told her. She seemed okay about it… maybe she didn’t understand what I was trying to tell her. Me and my mom conversing is like the blind leading the deaf. We’re both crazy. At least I’m sane enough (sometimes) to know I’m crazy (or viewed as crazy, anyway). My mom, though… well, she reminds me of what I will probably be like later on. Or maybe I’m that way now? Who’s to say? Michelle? The mold?

I thought about the “French connection” a little more today. I decided that even if Michelle is a french name, I still love her. A rose by any other name, you know?

I thought about that name, also, Gerard Depardieu. Pardieu. Deu. Deus ex machina. Perdido. Perdón. Gerard. Chair hard. achoo. Chard. Shard. broken.

I realized that the mothership was speaking to me in code. It seems to be saying that I should beware of being lost, hurt, sick or fooled, or I risk losing everything. The mold helps heal my sickness, but it hurts. My love for Michelle also hurts. So does this feeling of betrayal from my brother. Head cheese makes me feel good. So does Michelle. And that beautiful woman I see regularly when I make my rounds, who smiled at me that one time. What does it all add up to? What should I do to achieve liberation, to have my soul transmitted to the universal fax network mother? Maybe I was never meant to reach this kind of nirvana. Maybe it will take more than one lifetime. Or perhaps it will never happen.

Saturday November 1, 2003. 6:20 p.m.

I have done a lot of soul searching today. I read my earlier entry, and realized that I am suffering from a form of melancholy. I went to the library and checked out some self-help books. The librarian was checking me out. She thinks I’m hot. I could tell by the way her hand shook as she handed me back my library card. I have that affect on women. At any rate, after checking out my books, I waited outside for her. I hid in the bushes, and followed her home to make sure she was not being followed by some lunatic. I know where she lives now, I will have to drop in sometime to chat.

I have only read a few chapters of the book entitled “I’m Okay and You’re Okay.“ It put things into perspective for me. It made me realize, despite my insanity, I can do anything I put my mind to. The United Galactic Council can piss off. I will achieve liberation, and my soul WILL be transmitted to the universal fax network mother. Nothing will stand in my way. I am in control of my destiny. Not my mother, not Michelle, not my brother.

Saturday, November 1, 2003

I had a thought...if ONLY I could make love to Michelle while eating a Head cheese sandwich perhaps I could reach the nirvana I have been searching for. I will have to devise a plan in which I can make this happen, although, the Head cheese will have to be fresh and Michelle in a state of intoxication that defines all space, time, and intergalactic boundaries. Maybe if I mix the mold/seed with a nice little Pinot Noir...yes, that just might work to set the mood. Perhaps, the universal fax network mother might be able to mix me a "mother" of a potion...a love potion! Ohhhhh....getting another fax transmittal from the mothership...Christ! not more code....the message states "If I had a hammer....I'd hammer in the morning...I'd hammer in the evening...all over this land." Peter, Paul and Mary? Folk music? What does it all mean????!!!!!

Tuesday November 24, 2003, 8:00 p.m

I think I have deciphered the code. See, the message is not so much about having a hammer and being hard working. It is really about St. Peter, St. Paul and the Virgin Mary. It is quite ingenious. Saints Peter and Paul were pivotal in the Bible, and Mary, well she was the mother of Jesus after all. I have come up with two scenarios. I need to either:

1. Rob Peter to pay Paul. But how do I get the money to Paul after I have robbed Peter? How do I rob Peter? He is dead after all. How do I send a money order to heaven, I am assuming Paul is dead as well? Maybe the mothership could assist????

2. Impregnate Michelle, and she will be the mother of Jesus. So, is this the end times, the second coming of Christ? Not sure if I am prepared for the apocalypse.

Or maybe I have to do a combination of the two? I will have to run out and get more head cheese and think about this a little more. Just when things seem to make sense, they suddenly make no sense at all. Maybe I should go to the library and talk to the librarian. See if she can find me some reference material.

Tuesday November 4,2003 8:15

OMG, OMG, I have lost track of time again. Must pull it together.

November 4, 2003

I have gathered myself together after my previous venture into the unknown. It wasn't that I "lost track of time" but I have found along with my telepathic ability I now have the power to project myself into the future. The mothership has told me to reserve this power until I am instructed to use it. Ah, they are too wise...I nearly gave myself a hernia trying to get back to November 4th from the 24th...I can't imagine what damage would have been done had I skipped a whole month or a year!

Instead of going to the library as I had planned I think I will take the bus to St. Christopher's Parish. Father O'Shannahan might be able to shed some light on this Peter, Paul and Mary thing from the mothership...besides, the sacrificial wine is mighty tasty, and if I distract the father with a "Hey, is that the POPE???!!!" comment I can nab the wine and hide out in the confessional while he scurries around the church grounds. Yes, that's a good plan...it will give me time to think of a way to get the information I need without sounding like a lunatic. I'm crazy it's true...like FOX!

Tuesday November 4, 2003, (Time? Distance, oh crap)

In BIG, time trouble. Have to be quiet. Hijacked bus. Not a good idea. Hiding in dumpster outside of Mc Donalds. Hungry....Hmm, wonder what is inside of this bag?

November 4, 2003

Big Mac and an Apple Pie...just what I needed! Didn't want to wait to take the bus tomorrow...the fare is a rip-off and I never have change. In the line entering the bus there is always a fat woman in front of me fumbling in her purse and a guy behind me unintentionally giving me a rectal exam with his umbrella. It was a big mistaking taking the bus though...since, well...I lost control of it and drove it down a ravine. Luckily, I was the only one aboard...luckier still McDonalds was within running distance so I was able to flee from the authorities and grab a semi-hot meal at the same time. Now if I just had some of that sacrificial...er I mean...sacramental wine to wash it down with that would be the ticket.

Well, it looks like I'm spending the night here tonight. I'll have to hoof it to the church tomorrow if I'm ever going to get the answers I need. Whoa! What's that noise???? Sounds like trouble...gotta go!

Wed. November 05, 2003 9:30 p.m.

Who knew that the city empties dumpsters at such a late hour at night? First I heard a big boom, and then the sound of metal scratching on metal, then my world was literally turned upside down. The inside of the dump truck was unbearably odoriferous! This might sound funny from coming for someone that likes head cheese sandwiches, but it was rank in that garbage truck.

I spent the night in the city dump. I dug out an old mattress from a pile of refuse, and laid down on top of it and gazed at the stars. It was a beautiful night. I willed for the mother ship to beam me up, but it never happened. It was great being out in nature, and when I woke up, there were two huge rats snuggled up with me. I have a way with ladies and animals!

But I digress. I did go to the church to meet with the priest, and he said some very interesting things about my St. Peter, St. Paul and Mary theory. Oh, hold on a fax is coming through, it might be from the aliens…More in a little bit.

Thursday, November 6th

I forgot to tell you about the dream I had while I spent the night there at the city dump. It was really strange. I’ll admit that I’m not your usual guy, but, like most people, I often cannot remember my dreams very clearly when I wake up.

I was running through the city in that lizard costume my brother had me wearing back when I was working for him. I had to get away. Behind me, there was a police car filled with kids in freakish outfits yelling “trick or treat!” I turned a corner then turned another corner into an alleyway, where I dove into a trash can. At the bottom of the trash can was a door, Round and shiny and made of some kind of wood- mahogany, cherry, oak, walnut-- something luxurious. I opened the door and went down a long stone spiral staircase. Eventually, I found another door, more ordinary looking. I Opened it and found the office I used to work at. Michelle looked up at me and crinkled her nose. Mike, the guy I thought I hit with the fax machine said “hey, L-dog, ever heard of dog groomers?” Then he made that sign he always made at me, the “L” shape with his hand on his forehead. I was puzzled, as usual-- I don’t own a dog. The way he was laughing seemed disrespectful, so I hit him with my fax machine.

Then, suddenly, I was in my apartment. The fax machine was much larger than me, somehow, and I was trying to hide from it. It could see me, I knew, hiding under the kitchen sink. It intended to annihilate me. I peeked back at it, and saw Michelle, wearing a McDonalds uniform and talking about the upcoming presidential election. I couldn’t understand what she was saying, but the music of her thoughts and the melody of her voice made me suddenly deeply enraptured. I looked at her, standing by the fax machine in my living room, and realized that she was sent by the mother of all interconnectedness that was the strange force behind the pan-galactic, trans-modal fax transmission signals. She understood it all, better than I ever could, and better, moreover, than any human being on earth. Suddenly I wasn't under my sink. I was in a big dark room, softly illuminated on all sides, and the ceiling was open to the stars. Michelle was next to me. She said: “The possibilities enrich the probability of new beginnings within, if you can only prepare yourself to move on to the next level.”

Then I felt something warm, soft, and fuzzy near me, and heard a weird screeching sound. That was the rats. They both scurried away as soon as I awoke. The screeching was the sound of the seagulls.

I wonder what it all means.
The walk to the library was incredibly long and odious. I haven’t been to my apartment yet-- I wonder if the police will be there. I don’t think anybody that knows me saw me.

Well, that’s all for now. The person with the next internet use time slot is scowling at me. Goodbye, dear friends.

I got an email today from Michelle. It said that if I take these pills I will be able to increase my sperm count so I can impregnate her. I wonder-- was this email sent by the UGC? They must know about my thing for Michelle, since I’ve made it public knowledge.

BTW, I am back in my apartment. The whole thing blew over. It turns out I was taking the bus, and my mind wandered and I constructed a fantasy where I was taking over the bus. The junkyard must have been a fantasy, too. That smell is probably my lack of hygiene-- or the lingering smell from the time I tried to melt the hello kitty lingerie.

It’s so hard to separate reality from fantasy sometimes for me. My mom has the same problem.