Dear Diary
 

Tues 16th

Woke in a dull fug from last nights Twister marathon with the Nolan Sisters, and scratched around the bed. Why do those bitches insist on eating toast in here? I mean, really. Thaey are taking the piss.
Jeeves came in to say we now lay at anchor of the coast of Barbados and would I return the 14 phone calls from Miss Janet Jackson.
You think she'd get over it, but it's her own fault. She first approached me as a world famous choreograhper and regaled me in the most bo-o-o-ring proposal for her Super Bowl routine, and when she started on and on about how Timberlake was involved in kickbacks and a huge Mafia swindle, how I wish she hadnt taken me at my word when I said "Expose the tit on television". God, that woman is so literal.
*sigh*

Weather nice and sunny.

namedropper.

Later Tues 16th

Finally got rid of the Jackson woman and decided to catch up on some paperwork. Nobel Prize committee shite, United Nations blah, blah, blah, World Oil Wrestling Championship...yawn...

Did, however find the time to call the CEO of the Ford Motor Co.
I cannot believe they now have a Ford Focus. I mean, they had a grand tradition started of naming their sedans after popular English pornographic magazines with the Fiesta and Escort, so where, I ask is the Ford Razzle or Ford Readers Wives Bums Special?
He said he'd look into it, but frankly I dont hold out much hope. I may just drive over there in my Mercedes Hustler when we reach the mainland once more.


Naptime until cocktail hour with Liz Hurley. Sunny.

Stardate 14 22 14.6

Beamed down for a shit.

Couldn't you have just beamed down the shit?

I take it you havnt been in after Spock's dropped a Klingon ?

"Phasers on Stun" I tell you.....

I haven't and don't plan on it happening.

"Ford Razzle"

HEH!!

Thurs. 18th

Just got back on the yacht after golfing ashore with Fidel Castro, Jimmy Carter and Christina Aguillera. I managed to clean up, despite Fidel's cheating, Jimmy's foul language and Chrissy's excellent short game.
Jeeves always tries to get me to answer the telegrams that come in daily, while I sip my Courvoisier and relax. He draws my bath, but why he wants 75 sketches of a bathtub is beyond me (chortle, chortle - small joke).
Tossed the pleas from Arafat over the side, and only bothered to get off a quick reply to accept the invitation of Ms Sophia Loren to attend her naked bingo soiree later this month. Well it is for charity....

Blast and drat it, those pesky Nolans have managed to clog the propeller with their string bikini tops, again.
I think a spanking is in order, and off to bed without a game of twister for those young minxes.......

dinzdale, you are damn funny!

dear diary,
today i put the plan into effect. soon he will find out what is really clogging the propeller on that fancy schmancy yacht of his, won't he be surprised! and soon he will find out about those slutty nolans too, i am laughing so hard about it that i can hardly type. he really believes the telegrams are from arafat and sophia and all those famous people, the tosser.
it has been a good week.
oh, almost forgot, it wasn't toast crumbs in his bed .....hahahahahhahahaha.

Dear diary,

Please say those aren't crabs.....

dear diary,
i am so glad that i get to be the IT goddess at my new job and can arbitrarily change the passowrds of all and sundry who annoy me.
plan b is now in effect....more later
i almost feel sorry for that insufferable dinz person......

Dear Diary,

no repeats of last year. please.

thank you,
an older me.

Dear Diary,

Take it easy tonight, remember we're not quite at weekend yet.

Wed 18th

Would you believe it! Me, Sir Adrian Bollocks, marooned aboard this 75 ft yacht just off the Bahamas. I should never have let Buzz Aldrin steer. When Jeeves gets back with the helicopter, it will be nip and tuck if we make it to Rio before the carnival.
Stuck here with only several bottles of Dom Perignon and the tediuos Ms Anderson is making my brain ache for conversation. She still seems unable to grasp strip backgammon, and insists on keeping her stillettoes on even though she has lost the last 27 games in a row.*sigh*



Sunny and yet tiring
AB

Friday 20th

At least we're under way again in this god-forsaken dullness called the Caribbean. Luckily the Norwegian Ladies Naked Ski Team were passing and saw us stuck on the rocks, and kindly offered to pull me off.
Caught up with the mail, and referred Her Majesty to a decent plumber. Not that arse Lord Kinnock.
Lunchtime soon, and expecting to be bored listening to Decartes and Nietche aguing about whether it's better to be or to do.
Afternoon, expecting Nicolette Sheridan, and I think I'll do her.


Sunny and Lazy
AB