I stepped into a pile of dog shit the other day.
I skidded across the pavement and hit my head into a shop window.
I'm picking myself up and another man comes by, and does the same exact thing, treads in the poo, skids across the street and hits the shop window.
I said "I just did that" and he punches me straight in the mouth.

:confused:

(psst...he thought dinz did the doo...a natural assumption)

oh god!! Thanks Coffee. so obvious...

:p

Derek is in an accident and unfortunately loses an arm.

A few months later, he's walking down the street and meets a friend of his, Keith.
Keith says, "so how you doing mate? What you up to?"
Derek says "yeah not bad, just off to change a light bulb"

Keith replies, "oh right... that must be pretty difficult for you.."

Derek: "nah not really, I've still got the receipt, should be fine"

Michael has an unfortunate accicdent and loses both his ears.

He's due back on the job today, so the foreman tells all the rest of the crew not to make fun of him.

Michael goes to work with Paddy, and Paddy remarks,
"Michael, I'm glad to see your eyesight is getting better"
"What makes you think my eyes are getting better Paddy?"
"Well, you're not wearing your glasses"

Two men are competing at the world darts championship. During one particularly unfortunate round a competitor threw a double 10 with his first dart, then a triple 20 with his second. On his third dart a sister from the local convent next door decided to walk in front of the board to denounce the proceedings that were taking place. Unfortunately for her the competitor was already mid throw and could not stop. The dart went straight between her eyes, killing her instantly....





.... to which the announcer said, "One Nun Dead and EIGHTY...."

Two nuns on a tandem, decided to take a short-cut via a cobblestone street.
One nun says "I've never come this way before"
The other replies, "It's fun isnt it!"

Whats black and white and goes "WheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeee..... ..........."









A nun on rollerskates going down a hill

A man walks into a bar. (That's it).

what is the diference between a bonus and a penis?
you don't have to beg your wife to blow your bonus.

A priest and a rabbi are seated together on a plane. After a while, the priest turns to the rabbi and asks:

- Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?

The rabbi responds:

- Yes, that is still one of our beliefs. The priest then asks:

- Have you ever eaten pork? To which the rabbi replies:

- Yes, on one occasion, I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich. The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest:

- Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate? The priest replied:

- Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith. The rabbi then asked him:

- Father, have you ever fallen to the temptation of the flesh? The priest replied:

- Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith. The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said:

- Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?

There was two sausages cooking in a frying pan. One of the sausages turns to the other and says, “Boy, it sure is hot in here.” The other sausage jumps back and screams, “AHHH!!!! A TALKING SAUSAGE!”

Mike's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop.
In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent. He asks Mike, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"

Mike says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go "tick-tock-tick-tock" anymore. Now it just goes "tick...tick...tick."

The old man says, "Mmm-Hm!" and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather clock.

He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face. Then he says in a menacing voice... Ve haf vays of making you tock!"

A hapless hiking party was beset by cannibals, tied fast to trees, and eaten one by one.

The leader of the party, a hearty gent, was kept alive throughout. At each meal, the cannibals poked him with spears and used his blood to wash down the flesh of his comrades.

Eventually he tired of this, and told his captors:
"Look, kill me and eat me like the others if you want. But I'm tired of getting stuck for drinks."