The worst joke in the world thread
 

A sandwich walks into a bar,

the bartender says, "get the f*** out, we don't serve food in here!"

Duck walks into a pharmacy & asks the pharmacist for some Chapstick.

The pharmacist asks, "Will that be cash?"

The duck says, "No, put it on my bill."

Drunk looks up from his drink and asks the bartender woozily, "Do lemons have feathers?"

Bartender tells him no.

"I guess I must really be drunk, then, because I think I just squeezed your canary into my drink."

A man walks into a fish shop with a fish under his arm and says “excuse me mate, do you sell fish cakes?”
The man says “yeah of course we do”

”Thank god for that,” he says, pointing at the fish,

”it’s his birthday tomorrow”

Where does Kylie get her kebabs from?
Jason’s donner van

A bra walks into a pub and the landlord says
"I'm sorry, but I cant serve you as you're obviously off your tits"

A set of jumper cables walks into a bar.

"Drink all you like," said the bartender, "but don't start anything."

Did you hear that the satellite dish married the TV antenna?

The wedding was awful but the reception was fantastic.

What to you get if you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros?




'elephino?!

How can you tell if an elephant has been in your fridge?

Footprints in the butter.

A rope walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and , with a scowl, exclaims, "We don't serve your kind in here! Read the sign." The rope reads the sign to which the bartender is pointing and then, sulking, walks out of the bar.

Outside on the sidewalk, the rope is stricken with inspiration. Immediately he throws himself to the ground and begins writhing around. When he returns to his feet, he looks down with satisfaction at the large knot at his midsection. Then, with a wry smile he begins grabbing the threads at his head and feet and pulling them apart. That being done, he triumphantly walks back into the bar and plants himself on a stool right in front of the bartender.

When he again attempts to order a drink,the bartender snorts, "Hey, aren't you that rope I just threw out of here?" The rope replies, "No, sir. I'm a frayed knot."

What's blue and white and if it fell out of a tree could kill you?



A fridge in a denim jacket.

A man goes into the doctor with custard and jelly in one ear and fruit and cream in the other.

"And how can I help you sir?"

"Sorry doctor, you'll have to speak up. I'm a trifle deaf"

Another man goes into the doctor with a sausage up his nose, bacon in his ear and egg yolk running down his forehead.

Doctor takes one look at him and says
"You're not eating properly"

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas but
there are more Catholic churches there than casinos. Not
surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino
chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from so many different casinos, the churches have
devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all
their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting and
then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

Of course, this is done by a chip monk.

Ghandi was a great man who walked among the people and always barefoot. Because of this the skin on his feet became very rough and covered in calluses. His strong religious beliefs required him to be a vegetarian. This strict diet combined with all the walking made him a very thin and frail man. He had sworn to a life of poverty. Because of this he did not posses a toothbrush. Combine this with his diet, and he was chronically cursed by bad breath.

I guess you could say he was a "Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis."

Man walks into a Fish'n'Chip shop and says "Cod and Chips twice, please"

The man behind the counter replies " Alright, keep your hair on. I heard you the first time"

johnny runs home to his mother:
"mommy! mommy! everybody calls me a backstreet boy!"

"but son, who calls you a backstreet boy??"

"EVERYBOOOOODYYYYY YEAH YEAH YEAH"

max headroom & dinzdale go to the zoo.

"hey look, that's a jaguar!" shouts dinz.
"no way that's a jaguar", says max. "it doesn't even have wheels!"

ha ha ha

^^^
seriously bad!

the rest are great though

:)

A horse walks into a bar,

Bartender says "Hey, why the long face?"

John Kerry walks into a bar,

Bartender says "Hey, why the long face?"

What's the difference between your bonus and your penis?

It's easy to get a woman to blow your bonus.

Man walks into a bar with a pig under his arm, lays the pig on the bar and orders a pint.

Bartender "You cant leave that lyin' there"

Man " It's not a lion it's a pig"

it's brown, armed and lives in the forest












rambi

what's the penalty for bigamy











two MILs

A woman goes to join the Hell's Angels. The hairy leader asks her
"Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
"No, but I have been swung round by my tits"

a young woman got pulled over by a cop for speeding. the cop wants to give her a ticket, but charmed by her looks he wants to give the girl a second chance.

> "i'm going to give you a riddle, if you know the answer, i'll let you go.
4 wheels, an engine, what's that?"

< "simple," says the girl. "a car!"

> "hmmm.. well you have to be more specific, is it a volkswagen, a bmw, a mercedes? but ok you get a second chance. it's got two wheels and an engine, what's that?"

< "that's a motorcycle!"

> "well, yes, but you have to be more specific.. is it a suzuki or a honda or a harley davidson..."

the cop is already writing the speeding ticket when the woman says to him:

< "well officer, i have a little riddle for you. it doesn't wear much and it sells itself to men, what's that?"

> "that's easy, it's a whore!"

< "well you have to be more specific... would that be your wife, your mother or your daughter??"

in a <3monty python<3 sketch (as a bad joke)
 

what's brown and sounds like a bell?


dung!

Man goes into a bakers and says "Quick give me a loaf of bread!"
"Certainly sir, brown or white?"
"That's alright, I've got my bike outside"

Okay - so are ribbons going to be awarded for these anytime soon? :p

it's green and if you eat it you'll get a tummy ache













a football field

If I have a green ball in one hand and a green ball inthe other, what have I got?



The undivided attention of the Incredible Hulk

Knock knock.


Who's there?


Banana.


Banana who?


Banana split.

Knock knock.


Who's there?


Banana.


Banana who?


Banana split.

Knock knock.


Who's there?


Banana.


Banana who?


Banana split.

Knock knock.


Who's there?


Orange.


Orange who?


Orange you glad it's not the banana?

how do you get an elephant into the fridge?

open the door, put the elephant in, close the door.




how do you put a giraffe into the fridge?

open the door, get the elephant out, put the giraffe in, close the door.




the lion king gives a party. which animal won't be there?

the giraffe, it's still in the fridge.

What's green and smells of pork?



Kermit's cock.

ok you win :D

which one does not belong with the others?


tofu
kidney beans
vibrator




--> kidney beans, the other two are meat replacers

2 potatoes are standing on the corner; how do you tell which one is the prostitute?


The one holding the sign that says I-DA-HO.

an old guy and a young guy are waiting for the bus at the bus stop.

the young guy has this big mohawk on his head, painted red, blue and green. he has several earrings and one of those metal pins through his nose.

the old guy can't stop staring at the looks of the young man.

the young guy notices the stares of the old man and asks him:
"haven't you ever done anything weird when you were young??"

"well yes," replied the old guy-- "one night i was so drunk i fvcked a parrot, and now i'm wondering if you're my son!"