wish
 

.

• grant the wish of the person above you but come up with some strange, ironic or daft way in which it all goes terribly wrong and backfires on them
  
• then make a wish of your own

i wish i still had my pet ant named rory

you can, but he'll invite all his friends round and they'll form a colony in your basement, eat away at the foundations and cause your house to collapse just at the moment that you have enticed all of the nolan sisters into your bedroom.
you will suffer injuries which i cannot describe on a clean family orientated website such as this.


i wish i had the noive

You do, but you're also in the manic phase of bipolar disorder. You don't need sleep or food and you feel fantastic, like you're Superman and there's no such thing as kryptonite. While you've got the noive, you've also got credit cards, and you charge every one of them up to the max buying fabulous new clothes for the fabulous new you shortly before collapsing into a depressed phase that lays you flat and renders you unable to work -- or even get out of bed for six months.

I wish my dog had the lifespan of a human being.

She does, but in that amount of time, she learns how to do things a normal dog wouldn't, like, for example, drive your car, raid the fridge and attempt her own grilled cheese sandwiches, borrow your credit card and order toys from Home Shopping Network, etc. Eventually she feels the need to have her independence and moves out into her own apartment. She will visit occasionally, but it won't really be the same kind of relationship. Sorry.

I wish I had enough money to pay off all my debts and buy a house and keep it nicely.

You win the lottery, pay everything off, and buy a lovely home in the Presidio. It becomes the showplace of the neighborhood, and is therefore the first house that the aliens decide to take over when they land on Fisherman's Wharf. They command you to stay and cook crab dishes for them night after night for the rest of your life.



I wish I was in a better financial position to go to Vegas in October to sing happy birthday to Roy and give Teller another beaded lizard.

You win a supermarket scratch card contest, and Penn and Teller and Siegfried and Roy all come to your home for a private performance. In a spectacular mishap recorded and replayed on international television for eight straight days before the furor dies down, Teller and a white tiger almost drown in the swimming pool while Siegfried, Roy, and Penn Jillette are distracted filming a very special episode of Bullshit in your master bedroom.

I wish I had a time machine.

You get a time machine, and decide to go back in time to meet your great-great-grandparents, accidentally stop them from ever meeting, never get born, never get a time machine to stop yourself being born, get born, stop your great-great-grandparents from meeting and get stuck in an infinite loop.

I wish I could make myself invisible.

You become invisible, but can't ever become visible again. Not only are you extremely lonely from freaking people out with your disembodied vocal attempts to make contact, but you also realize very quickly that you cannot even enjoy being completely invisible unless you are totally naked. After freezing in the winter, you decide to move to a warmer climate. This works out fine until you get horribly sunburned and develop skin cancer.

I wish I had more wishes.

and so you shall!! so from this day forth you're going to totally pong of more wishes, the brand new fragrance by alexander mcqueequeg and everyone apart from you will go "omfg wtf is that smell coming off brynn?" and hold their noses or put a clothespeg on them etc. because more wishes smells like the smell you get when someone (not mentioning any names) boils a load of brussel sprouts in a pan.



o how i wish it was teatime

and teatime it shall be. now and forever. every minute of every fvckken day. for the rest of your life. and no more breaks going to work, seepin' (ha!) or birdwatching.... because TEATIME it is! and it doesn't stop when you die. you will be buried with your goddamn tea and biscuits in a tight coffin with no room for sorting stuff out!!!

i wish i didn't have to write anything down for a whole week.

then you're in luck, because they don't allow prisoners to keep pen and paper in solitary confinement cells! confess, and maybe you'll be able to enjoy the luxury of writing things down next week.


i wish i could identify the source of the incessant beeping coming from somewhere in this office.

you're dismayed when you track the source of the beeping to a plant in the lobby. You're employer has put a surveillance device there to spy on the workers.

i wish i had another ceiling fan.

but then the double power of your ceiling fans would cause your ceiling to be ripped off and fly across town sparking a major alert which would end in the death of an innocent portuguese bystander leading to a nuclear war between europe and the states.


i wish i were god

Years of bipolar swings have left you vulnerable to a psychotic break. You refuse the meds that could reconnect you with the world, and spend the remainder of your years quite peacefully supported by a long term disability pension, drinking tea, meditating, and using your television to converse amiably with your son Jesus.

I wish it were mid-December already.

Mid-December it is. But since autumn was missed entirely, none of the trees dropped their leaves, and when spring comes a new set of leaves will sprout, making the trees too heavy. Limbs will break off and kill people as they drive down streets in their cars. The streets will be so littered with tree parts that everyone will be stuck in their homes for weeks, resulting in the outbreak of rioting and looting throughout the nation.


I wish I could actually enjoy dusting.