Forwards

[zenbabe]

since I refuse to send out mass forwards anymore..but sometimes think they are funny........

Prison vs Work


IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the
doors for yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...you must deal with mean wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers

[Wldchld]

Mrs. Jenkins comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner...who lives with a female roommate Vikki...

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was.
She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more
between Anthony and his roommate than meets the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered,
"I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Vikki and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Vikki came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable
to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mama,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take it.
But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama, which read:

Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Vikki, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the
fact remains that if she were sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar
bowl by now.

Love,
Mama.

*Lesson of the day ..... Don't Lie to Your Mother!*

************************************

I had to add this one it was so cute

[sparticle]

Originally posted by zenbabe
since I refuse to send out mass forwards anymore..but sometimes think they are funny........

Good for you. This one was funny, but I have a cousin who, I swear to God, would forward a blank page if you sent it to her. More people should just post stuff to a board where people can take it or leave it.

Every other day or so, about ten forwards from my cousin hit my email box. I have two or three other people like that on my mail list too. I hate to hurt their feelings, but it's a real annoyance to wade through thirty or forty "forward" emails from them to get to the one or two that they sent with some personal stuff or questions in them.

So good for you, posting it instead of emailing it to everyone and his grandmother.

[priceyfatprude]

Originally posted by sparticle
Every other day or so, about ten forwards from my cousin hit my email box. I have two or three other people like that on my mail list too. I hate to hurt their feelings, but it's a real annoyance to wade through thirty or forty "forward" emails from them to get to the one or two that they sent with some personal stuff or questions in them.

Amen.

Here's one to forward right back to them Spart!




Hello, my name is Basmati Kasaar!

I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor
scores on final exams, extreme virginity, and fear of
being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution.

I also suffer from the guilt of not forwarding 50
billion ****ing chain letters sent to me by people who
actually believe that if you send them on,
a poor 6-year-old girl in Arkansas with a breast on
her forehead will be able to raise enough money to
have it removed before her redneck parents
sell her to a traveling freak show.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to
give you, and everyone to whom you send his" email,"
$1000?

How stupid are we?

"Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and
make a wish, I'll get laid by every Playboy model in
the magazine!" What a bunch of bullshit.

Basically, this message is a big **** YOU to all the
people out there who have nothing better to do than to
send me stupid chain mail forwards.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come
into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not
continuing a chain that was started by Peter in 5 AD
and brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the
Mayflower and which, if it makes it to the year
2005, will be in the Guinness Book of World Records
for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity.
**** them.

If you're going to forward something, at least send
me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "Send
this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor,
wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive
a nickel from some omniscient being " I don't ****ing
care.

Show a little intelligence and think about what you're
actually contributing to by these forwards. Chances
are, it's your own unpopularity. The point being? If
you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave
you shagless or luckless
for the rest of your life delete it. If it's funny,
send it on. Don't piss people off by making them feel
guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has
been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years and whose
only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive
if you forward this email, lest he end up like
Miranda.

Right? Now forward this to everyone you know.

Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn
carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

[sparticle]

LMAO! Did you write this? It's hee-larious.

[priceyfatprude]

I wish!

[sparticle]

I'd better not send it to my cousin. She'd only want to know where poor Basmati lived and if there was a website where you could click on a cute logo every day to contribute .02 towards saving him, so she could forward the URL to all her friends..... LOL!

[priceyfatprude]

[agentsmith]

Originally posted by zenbabe
since I refuse to send out mass forwards anymore..but sometimes think they are funny........

Prison vs Work


IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the
doors for yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...you must deal with mean wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers

you neglected to mention the savage man love...

[topcat]

there were midget pilgrims on the mayflower?

[sparticle]

Originally posted by topcat
there were midget pilgrims on the mayflower?

They (as in, "They", the ultimate authority on everything from uses for Coca Cola and Bounce dryer sheets to the origins of the brass monkey) said so on the Internet, so it must be true!

[topcat]

do you know who "THEY"are

[zenbabe]

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish.............................................49
Adventurous.......................Slept with everyone
Athletic......................................No tits
Average looking..................................Ugly
Beautiful...........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile..................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure......................On medication
Feminist.......................................... Fat
Free spirit....................................Junkie
Friendship first..........................Former slut
Fun..........................................Annoy ing
New-Age.................Body hair in the wrong places
Old-fashioned..................................No BJs
Open-minded.................................Desperate
Outgoing........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate...............................Sloppy drunk
Professional....................................Bi tch
Voluptuous...................................Very Fat
Large frame................................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate...............................Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. Honey, we need = I want..
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. Baby, we need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think
about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. Wanna dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

[chuckie egg]

One of my coworkers used to think that FW: stood for "Fvck Work" LOL!

[Hyakujo's Fox]

Letters to the Council:

My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.