Quick Feedback Appreciated...

[beckstra]

I'm writing a script right now and I'd like to know if this is too much, too contrived, or too confusing...well, really I'd just like some quick feedback. By the way, it's supposed to be a dramedy. And it isn't meant to hurt anyone. It has a context.



JENNIFER
Have you ever thought about dying? About how you’ll go, or what’ll happen to everyone afterward?

SARAH (beat)
Well, other than dying from the pressure of having a militant lesbian mother who disapproves of my bisexual nature, no.
(EVAN scoffs)
What? You don’t believe me? The last time I brought a guy to the house, she nearly ‘misogynist propagandized’ me to death. Seriously, her new little group of friends are totally screwing with my ability to ‘get my game on.’
(to JENNIFER)
Hell, the last time I brought you home, they accused me of living in some unrequited fantasy. It’s like my headstone has written itself: “Here lies Sarah Willoughby, smothered to death by the very canal through which she was brought to life.”

Everyone groans.

EVAN
Sick.


Also, feel free to ask for feedback on this thread as well. I'm game to give it.

[priceyfatprude]

Originally Posted by beckstra

"Here lies Sarah Willoughby, pressed to death by the very canal through which she was brought to life.”

Smothered, not pressed.

[Audreyvgs]

if this is dialogue, it's impossible to say mysogynist propagandized. I don't think anyone could say it like that.

[beckstra]

Originally Posted by priceyfatprude

Smothered, not pressed.

The more I think about it, the more I agree with you. Being pressed to death is an image I like, but I just couldn't get it to sound right.

Originally Posted by Audreyvgs

if this is dialogue, it's impossible to say mysogynist propagandized. I don't think anyone could say it like that.

Ahhh...such is the life of an actooor.

Thanks for your input, guys. Keep it coming if there's anymore.

[funkytuba]

I'd go with' "misogynist propaganda"-ed ' including a stage direction for hand-articulated double-quotation marks if it fits the character

also, consider the more direct approach: "interfering with my ability to get ****ed"

also... to the point of jennifer's question, how does sarah think the lesbian mother would feel if she were dead? any way to sneak an answer in her little diatribe?

[beckstra]

Originally Posted by funkytuba

I'd go with' "misogynist propaganda"-ed ' including a stage direction for hand-articulated double-quotation marks if it fits the character

also, consider the more direct approach: "interfering with my ability to get ****ed"

also... to the point of jennifer's question, how does sarah think the lesbian mother would feel if she were dead? any way to sneak an answer in her little diatribe?

Well, as far as using the f-bomb, it's not the way the characters talk. The script is about a group of people who have obviously been friends a long time, and you tend to talk like your friends, no? Anyway, that just happens to be one of the words they don't use.

Although, I really like the idea of adding to Jennifer's comment.