The Road to Iraq

[zenbabe]

SCRIPT SYNOPSIS:

"THE ROAD TO IRAQ" (In the spirit of the "Road" Movies starring Bob Hope and Bing Crosby, with a take on "Beverly Hillbillies television show)

Starring President George W. Bush (R) as: "Jethro" and Senator Tom Daschle(D) as: "Uncle Jed". "Granny" played by Senator Hilary Rodham Clinton (D), Ellie Mae played by a random hot intern (D) or (R) who cares what her politics are, lookit those tits...

MASTER SHOT (FADE IN): THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES MANSION FROM THE SHOW.
"JETHRO" IS BY THE POOL WITH "UNCLE JED", ANIMATEDLY TELLING HOW HE'S GOING
TO CHANGE THE WORLD BEFORE THE 2004 ELECTION. "GRANNY" and "ELLIE MAE" (WITH A CRITTER IN HER ARMS) LOOK ON DOUBTFULLY...

JETHRO: (blissfully ignorant smile upon his face) "Yessirree Uncle Jed! I'mgonna make huge tax cuts, reform health care, boost the economy, and save Africa from the AIDS virus!!! Oh shoot, I gots to get down to see Mr.Drysdale 'bout that money fer invadin' Iraq..."

EXEUNT JETHRO; "UNCLE JED" NODS HEAD BACK AND FORTH

UNCLE JED: "Whooooo Daaawgy! Someday I reckon'I'm a-gonna have to have a reeeeal loooooong talk with that boy..."

IRIS IN...
BLACK SCREEN

[masterofNone]

MASTER SHOT (FADE IN): THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES MANSION FROM THE SHOW.
"JETHRO" IS BY THE POOL WITH "UNCLE JED", ANIMATEDLY TELLING HOW HE'S GOING
TO CHANGE THE WORLD BEFORE THE 2004 ELECTION. "GRANNY" and "ELLIE MAE" (WITH A CRITTER IN HER ARMS) LOOK ON DOUBTFULLY...

JETHRO: (blissfully ignorant smile upon his face) "Yessirree Uncle Jed! I'mgonna make huge tax cuts, reform health care, boost the economy, and save Africa from the AIDS virus!!! Oh shoot, I gots to get down to see Mr.Drysdale 'bout that money fer invadin' Iraq..."

EXEUNT JETHRO; "UNCLE JED" NODS HEAD BACK AND FORTH

UNCLE JED: "Whooooo Daaawgy! Someday I reckon'I'm a-gonna have to have a reeeeal loooooong talk with that boy..."

IRIS IN...
BLACK SCREEN
pull back to reveal that the blackness is grease covering Jethro's face. He is hard at work on the family jallopy.

Enter Jed

JED
Jethro what in tarnation are you doin to that auto-mobile?

JETHRO
I'm fixin it to run on High-Drow-Gen... just like in "Buck Dodgers in the 29th Century"

JED
High-Drow-Gen? Is that some kind of new oil?

[nycwriters]

So is the title of the movie "The Road to Washington" or "The Road to Iraq"?

[zenbabe]

That's open for debate, but it's kind of got an SNL ring to it...

[AllegroNg]

Who cares?! Keep the story going! Make us all laugh til we pee! Call it, "Putting the 'tit' in Constitution," just continue!

[zenbabe]

MASTER SHOT (FADE IN): THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES MANSION FROM THE SHOW.
"JETHRO" IS BY THE POOL WITH "UNCLE JED", ANIMATEDLY TELLING HOW HE'S GOING
TO CHANGE THE WORLD BEFORE THE 2004 ELECTION. "GRANNY" and "ELLIE MAE" (WITH A CRITTER IN HER ARMS) LOOK ON DOUBTFULLY...

JETHRO: (blissfully ignorant smile upon his face) "Yessirree Uncle Jed! I'mgonna make huge tax cuts, reform health care, boost the economy, and save Africa from the AIDS virus!!! Oh shoot, I gots to get down to see Mr.Drysdale 'bout that money fer invadin' Iraq..."

EXEUNT JETHRO; "UNCLE JED" NODS HEAD BACK AND FORTH

UNCLE JED: "Whooooo Daaawgy! Someday I reckon'I'm a-gonna have to have a reeeeal loooooong talk with that boy..."

IRIS IN...
BLACK SCREEN
pull back to reveal that the blackness is grease covering Jethro's face. He is hard at work on the family jallopy.

Enter Jed

JED
Jethro what in tarnation are you doin to that auto-mobile?

JETHRO
I'm fixin it to run on High-Drow-Gen... just like in "Buck Dodgers in the 29th Century"

JED
High-Drow-Gen? Is that some kind of new oil?

JETHRO
dang paw, it's gonna help get rid of this gal-darn smog.

JED
What's a smog?

[masterofNone]

MASTER SHOT (FADE IN): THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES MANSION FROM THE SHOW.
"JETHRO" IS BY THE POOL WITH "UNCLE JED", ANIMATEDLY TELLING HOW HE'S GOING
TO CHANGE THE WORLD BEFORE THE 2004 ELECTION. "GRANNY" and "ELLIE MAE" (WITH A CRITTER IN HER ARMS) LOOK ON DOUBTFULLY...

JETHRO: (blissfully ignorant smile upon his face) "Yessirree Uncle Jed! I'mgonna make huge tax cuts, reform health care, boost the economy, and save Africa from the AIDS virus!!! Oh shoot, I gots to get down to see Mr.Drysdale 'bout that money fer invadin' Iraq..."

EXEUNT JETHRO; "UNCLE JED" NODS HEAD BACK AND FORTH

UNCLE JED: "Whooooo Daaawgy! Someday I reckon'I'm a-gonna have to have a reeeeal loooooong talk with that boy..."

IRIS IN...
BLACK SCREEN
pull back to reveal that the blackness is grease covering Jethro's face. He is hard at work on the family jallopy.

Enter Jed

JED
Jethro what in tarnation are you doin to that auto-mobile?

JETHRO
I'm fixin it to run on High-Drow-Gen... just like in "Buck Dodgers in the 29th Century"

JED
High-Drow-Gen? Is that some kind of new oil?

JETHRO
dang paw, it's gonna help get rid of this gal-darn smog.

JED
What's a smog?

JETHRO
AWW Uncle Jed, don't you know nuthin... smog is when the sky looks like Granny's cataracty eyeball!

[amanda]

MASTER SHOT (FADE IN): THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES MANSION FROM THE SHOW.
"JETHRO" IS BY THE POOL WITH "UNCLE JED", ANIMATEDLY TELLING HOW HE'S GOING
TO CHANGE THE WORLD BEFORE THE 2004 ELECTION. "GRANNY" and "ELLIE MAE" (WITH A CRITTER IN HER ARMS) LOOK ON DOUBTFULLY...

JETHRO: (blissfully ignorant smile upon his face) "Yessirree Uncle Jed! I'mgonna make huge tax cuts, reform health care, boost the economy, and save Africa from the AIDS virus!!! Oh shoot, I gots to get down to see Mr.Drysdale 'bout that money fer invadin' Iraq..."

EXEUNT JETHRO; "UNCLE JED" NODS HEAD BACK AND FORTH

UNCLE JED: "Whooooo Daaawgy! Someday I reckon'I'm a-gonna have to have a reeeeal loooooong talk with that boy..."

IRIS IN...
BLACK SCREEN
pull back to reveal that the blackness is grease covering Jethro's face. He is hard at work on the family jallopy.

Enter Jed

JED
Jethro what in tarnation are you doin to that auto-mobile?

JETHRO
I'm fixin it to run on High-Drow-Gen... just like in "Buck Dodgers in the 29th Century"

JED
High-Drow-Gen? Is that some kind of new oil?

JETHRO
dang paw, it's gonna help get rid of this gal-darn smog.

JED
What's a smog?

JETHRO
AWW Uncle Jed, don't you know nuthin... smog is when the sky looks like Granny's cataracty eyeball!

JED
I thought it might be that stew Granny cooked up after you ran over that skunk 'while back.

Enter Granny

[zenbabe]

Today's segment includes MILTON DRYSDALE, played by: CASTING TBD and MISS HATHAWAY (aka MISS JANE) , played by Condoleeza Rice, and JOHN BREWSTER -PRESIDENT OF THE OK OIL COMPANY, played by Dick Cheney (R).

FADE IN:

OPENING CREDITS & THEME SONG
"The Presidential Hillbillies"

AKA: "The Road to Iraq"

EXTERIOR SHOT:Wilshire Blvd., Beverly Hills - smog shrouds the flourescent sky, palm trees sway in the background...

CUT TO:
EXTERIOR SHOT:Commerce Bank of Beverly Hills

CUT TO:
INTERIOR SHOT:MILTON DRYSDALE's OFFICE, PRESIDENT OF THE BANK. HE IS SITTING AT HIS DESK, DYSPEPTIC LOOKING AND OBVIOUSLY UPSET. MISS JANE IS TRYING TO COMFORT HIM WITH A GLASS OF ALKA SELTZER.

MR. DRYSDALE:"This is a disaster Miss Hathaway! Jethro is trying to make a Hydrogen Car!!! Doesn't he know where the money comes from??? This is terrible for the bank Miss Hathaway, terrible! Which means it's bad for me, Miss Hathaway! And it's certainly bad for you! Catch my meaning...???"

MISS HATHAWAY: "Reeelaaaxx Chief! Jethro will never get anywhere with that old jalopy and a sixth grade education! Remember everything else he tried Chief? Double-naught (00) spy? Brain surgeon? Movie Producer? Guru??? He'll forget about it as soon as the Swedish Freestyle Women's Swim Team Arrives! "

MR. DRYSDALE:"That is NOT THE POINT Miss Hathaway!!! (standing now,shouting) It's distracting him from the Iraq Campaign!!! THAT is the real moneymaker around here!!! Right Mr. Brewster?"

MR. BREWSTER:"Right MD. It's a threat to everyone's economic outlook, and to the prez's chances for re-election in 2004..."

MR. DRYSDALE:"Without Iraq, WE ARE DONE FOR!!! You know his approval ratings are down!!! That's why he's here in Beverly Hills!!! Charming Liberal Media and all that..."

MISS HATHAWAY:"But CHIEF! (trying to be the voice of reason) At least Jethro is TRYING to do something GOOD for America, the environment, the world! It's good PR! They'll eat it up! Everybody
knows it'll never fly with the oil companies anyway, no offense Mr.
Brewster! And it was the President's idea! He even said it in his speech..."

MR. DRYSDALE:"Oh Miss Hathaway, You are so Naive. Just go file
something...There's a good girl..."

MISS HATHAWAY:"Pshaw! Reeeaaallly Chief..."

EXEUNT MISS HATHAWAY

MR BREWSTER:"Ohhhh (cough), I don't feel so good (pale, sweating).
*".Choking / Broken Speech: "Lobster! (choke) Steak! (hack). MR. BREWSTER KEELS OVER, FALLS OUT OF HIS CHAIR. HE IS NOT MOVING OR
BREATHING.

MR. DRYSDALE:"Oh my!! Another heart attack!!! MISS HATHAWAY!!! HE's HAVING ANOTHER ONE!!! CALL THE LAWYERS!!!!! AND THE PRESS!!!"

MISS HATHAWAYSHOUTING FROM THE OTHER ROOM): But Chieeef!!! What about the ambulance???

MR. DRYSDALE:"FIRST THINGS FIRST MISS HATHAWAY!!!!"

CUE MUSIC
FADE TO COMMERCIAL

[nycwriters]

SCENE OPENS WITH HILLBILLY GUY WITH FIVE-STRING GUITAR, TWO STRINGS BROKEN. ONE TOOTH MISSING.

HILLBILLY: "Weeeellll, lemme tell you 'bout a story
'bout a bunch of rotten crooks,
thought they'd put down Jeth'ro
but theys gonna get took

Yeah Jeth'ro has a plan
and he'll sell it 'round the land
Then those rotten stinkin' oil guys
Will wind up on the lam

Lynchin' that is,

American public,

Won't stand for it."

HILLBILLY: YEEEEHAW!

FADE OUT AS HILLIBILLY IS SEEN LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.

OPEN ON JED'S MANSION.

[zenbabe]

THE PRESIDENTIAL HILLBILLIES (working title)

JETHRO, as always played by George W. Bush (R). Guest Starring in tonight's Episode is Former President Bill Clinton (D) as MARK TEMPLETON (Elly Mae's Golddigging Beau).

ELLY MAY will be played by another hot random intern (R) or (D), still doesn't matter - lookit that ass!!! Who could possibly keep track of all of them anyway???

GRANNY still played by Senator Hilary Rodham
Clinton (D)

COUSIN BESSIE (Elly May's baby chimpanzee) will be played by Pat Buchanan
(WAR - the White Aryan Resistance)

MUSIC INTRO (lyrics to follow)

ROLL CREDITS

MONTAGE: BEVERLY HILLS & BEL AIR HILLS SHROUDED IN SMOG / RODEO DRIVE / PALM
LINED STREETS...

CUT TO:

EXTERIOR: HILLBILLY MANSION - 518 CRESTVIEW DRIVE - BEVERLY HILLS,
CALIFORNIA


CUT TO:

EXTERIOR: MANSION FACADE / FOYER
JETHRO BODINE (R) is hard at work on the Clampett truck / "Ex-Peer-EE-Metal Hy-Drow-Gin Veee-Hickle" . He has all manner of random and sundry items strewn about and connected in a complicated, yet non-sensical manner, to the engine and body of the truck. Christmas lights, numerous 6 volt Ray-O-Vac batteries strapped together with Duct Tape, an old portable AM radio, and
the TV antenna aerial which was recently on the roof of the Mansion. He is wearing a "test suit" made out of Reynolds Wrap. A football helmet completes his safety outfit.

JETHRO: "Whooooeee!!! I reckon this here smog in EL-AY is worse than ol'Texas!!! Im a gonna win the NEW-BELL PRIZE fer a-this one! Them wimmins are a-gonna want me crazy then Elly May! If'n' they could only a-see m'now at that high falutin' Millicent-Schuyler Potts School fer Girls!!! They a-said I wuz 2 a-gifted fer the 6th Grade! Said I a-had to go to that there HURVURD for m' EM-BEE-AAY!!! Shoot...

ELLY MAY (R) or (D)is nursing one of her critters (a baby chimpanzee) from a bottle. She is scantily clad in her usual cutoff jeans with her ass-cheeks a-showin', and an exposed midriff white button down cowboy shirt. For a 19 year old "spinster" (by hillbilly standards), she is looking mighty fine indeed.

ELLY MAY: "Yer a-scarin Cousin Bessie with that there Kintraptchin' a-yers! Awwww, its a-time fer her nap. Ain't shes the cutest???"

EXTREME C/U: Pat Buchanan's face S/I on the chimp.
Very little F/X needed for this shot...

JETHRO: "Shoooot Elly May! Isa jess gots ta' make a Hy-Drow-Gin
Veee-Hickle!!! This here's the future, jess like BUCK DODGERS! An' dem thar AY-RABS r a-gonna need 30 billion smackers after we invade EEE-RACK.! Mr. Drysdale sez he's a-only gonna pay fer the war! N' Uncle Jed's only a-worth $25 millions. Shoot, Uncle Jed only a-gives me Fitty Cents a week anyhows! I NEED SMACKERS!!!"

CUT TO:

CIRCULAR DRIVEWAY
MARK TEMPLETON (D), opportunistic hustler and nearly convicted felony con artist (2 acquittals), rolls up into the circular driveway in his 1958 Edsel Convertible, looking very Woolworth dapper in a frayed rayon ascot and smoking jacket. He has very bloodshot eyes. A saxophone is visible in the front seat. His smile is pure used-car salesman / circus carny / 3 card monty shill.

ELLY MAY: "SHAZAAM!! It's m'Beau Mark Templeton!!!

MARK TEMPLETON: (heavy Ar-Kin-Saw drawl) "Hey little girl. I ben a-thinkin' bout yew all the time. Howsa' 'bout losin' that there critter and comin fer a ride with me? I wanna a-show you m' SAXOPHONE darlin'..."


CUT TO:

EXTERIOR / INTERIOR MANSION FOYER ENTRANCE: GRANNY is waving a shotgun, visibly angry.

GRANNY: "Yew better git yew POLE-CAT!!! Fillin' Elly May's a-head with a-lies!!! Every kin from Bug-Tussle to the Beltway a-knows you caint run fer president agin!!! Alls Yer a-wantin's R BLACK-GOLD money ta pay fer them LOW-YERZ bills!!! Now SCOOT!!! A-fore I fill yer back-side with buck-shot!!!"

JED CLAMPETT appears behind GRANNY

JED: Granny what in tar-nations are you a-doin'??? Interns n Old Maids caint' be picky! She ain't a-never a-gonna git married now...

CUT BACK TO:

MARK TEMPLETON: AWWWWW HEEEELLLLLL!!! She's always a-ruinin' m' fun...

CUT TO COMMERCIAL