The Road to Iraq

[zenbabe]

THE PRESIDENTIAL HILLBILLIES (working title)

JETHRO, as always played by George W. Bush (R). Guest Starring in tonight's Episode is Former President Bill Clinton (D) as MARK TEMPLETON (Elly Mae's Golddigging Beau).

ELLY MAY will be played by another hot random intern (R) or (D), still doesn't matter - lookit that ass!!! Who could possibly keep track of all of them anyway???

GRANNY still played by Senator Hilary Rodham
Clinton (D)

COUSIN BESSIE (Elly May's baby chimpanzee) will be played by Pat Buchanan
(WAR - the White Aryan Resistance)

MUSIC INTRO (lyrics to follow)

ROLL CREDITS

MONTAGE: BEVERLY HILLS & BEL AIR HILLS SHROUDED IN SMOG / RODEO DRIVE / PALM
LINED STREETS...

CUT TO:

EXTERIOR: HILLBILLY MANSION - 518 CRESTVIEW DRIVE - BEVERLY HILLS,
CALIFORNIA


CUT TO:

EXTERIOR: MANSION FACADE / FOYER
JETHRO BODINE (R) is hard at work on the Clampett truck / "Ex-Peer-EE-Metal Hy-Drow-Gin Veee-Hickle" . He has all manner of random and sundry items strewn about and connected in a complicated, yet non-sensical manner, to the engine and body of the truck. Christmas lights, numerous 6 volt Ray-O-Vac batteries strapped together with Duct Tape, an old portable AM radio, and
the TV antenna aerial which was recently on the roof of the Mansion. He is wearing a "test suit" made out of Reynolds Wrap. A football helmet completes his safety outfit.

JETHRO: "Whooooeee!!! I reckon this here smog in EL-AY is worse than ol'Texas!!! Im a gonna win the NEW-BELL PRIZE fer a-this one! Them wimmins are a-gonna want me crazy then Elly May! If'n' they could only a-see m'now at that high falutin' Millicent-Schuyler Potts School fer Girls!!! They a-said I wuz 2 a-gifted fer the 6th Grade! Said I a-had to go to that there HURVURD for m' EM-BEE-AAY!!! Shoot...

ELLY MAY (R) or (D)is nursing one of her critters (a baby chimpanzee) from a bottle. She is scantily clad in her usual cutoff jeans with her ass-cheeks a-showin', and an exposed midriff white button down cowboy shirt. For a 19 year old "spinster" (by hillbilly standards), she is looking mighty fine indeed.

ELLY MAY: "Yer a-scarin Cousin Bessie with that there Kintraptchin' a-yers! Awwww, its a-time fer her nap. Ain't shes the cutest???"

EXTREME C/U: Pat Buchanan's face S/I on the chimp.
Very little F/X needed for this shot...

JETHRO: "Shoooot Elly May! Isa jess gots ta' make a Hy-Drow-Gin
Veee-Hickle!!! This here's the future, jess like BUCK DODGERS! An' dem thar AY-RABS r a-gonna need 30 billion smackers after we invade EEE-RACK.! Mr. Drysdale sez he's a-only gonna pay fer the war! N' Uncle Jed's only a-worth $25 millions. Shoot, Uncle Jed only a-gives me Fitty Cents a week anyhows! I NEED SMACKERS!!!"

CUT TO:

CIRCULAR DRIVEWAY
MARK TEMPLETON (D), opportunistic hustler and nearly convicted felony con artist (2 acquittals), rolls up into the circular driveway in his 1958 Edsel Convertible, looking very Woolworth dapper in a frayed rayon ascot and smoking jacket. He has very bloodshot eyes. A saxophone is visible in the front seat. His smile is pure used-car salesman / circus carny / 3 card monty shill.

ELLY MAY: "SHAZAAM!! It's m'Beau Mark Templeton!!!

MARK TEMPLETON: (heavy Ar-Kin-Saw drawl) "Hey little girl. I ben a-thinkin' bout yew all the time. Howsa' 'bout losin' that there critter and comin fer a ride with me? I wanna a-show you m' SAXOPHONE darlin'..."


CUT TO:

EXTERIOR / INTERIOR MANSION FOYER ENTRANCE: GRANNY is waving a shotgun, visibly angry.

GRANNY: "Yew better git yew POLE-CAT!!! Fillin' Elly May's a-head with a-lies!!! Every kin from Bug-Tussle to the Beltway a-knows you caint run fer president agin!!! Alls Yer a-wantin's R BLACK-GOLD money ta pay fer them LOW-YERZ bills!!! Now SCOOT!!! A-fore I fill yer back-side with buck-shot!!!"

JED CLAMPETT appears behind GRANNY

JED: Granny what in tar-nations are you a-doin'??? Interns n Old Maids caint' be picky! She ain't a-never a-gonna git married now...

CUT BACK TO:

MARK TEMPLETON: AWWWWW HEEEELLLLLL!!! She's always a-ruinin' m' fun...

CUT TO COMMERCIAL