fake blog

[Klynne]

Damn, I looked at the calendar and it is June 8. I am losing track of time in this place....

[funkytuba]

6/26/04

ok... i'm weirded out.

I invited my brother out to the commune. Things had started to get dull and I just knew that he would be able to get me back on the right track.

Problem was, I didn't know the address of the place. I asked Umberto for it so I could send it to my brother. First he asked me how I could think about bringing an outsider here. Then he steadfastly refused to tell me where we were. It wasn't until a week later that I came across an old feed bill lying around that had the address. I faxed it to my brother.

So he came out. I met with him at the gate. He says to me "Dude... you're in a prison farm halfway house." I looked at him and told him about the commune and its principles and rules... he pointed to a sign next to the road. It said in 18" high letters "HUBERT CABOT CAPRINE DAIRY FARM AND CORRECTIONAL REINTEGRATION FACILITY -- STATE OF NEVADA"

Damn... I've been enslaved in a forced labor camp for more than a month. Umberto, aka Hubert just wanted another male body to do the chores. All his empty promises about beacons and the food wasn't really that great anyway. Time to bust out of this joint and find some others that know of the mothership.

[Klynne]

7/7/04

I am on the road again. It took me awhile to figure out how I was going to get out of that "commune". After my brother left Umberto kept pretty close tabs on me, so I knew he would not allow me just to walk off.

I took to staying awake at night and searching the compound for anything that might aide me in my escape. I found, hidden behind a fake wall, a stash of pharmaceuticals and $50,000 in cash (thank you God). There was a ton of viagra, and some sleeping pills. I took the sleeping pills and mixed them in the goats milk that was in the refrigerator. The next morning after breakfast, everyone was declaring how sleepy they were. Once everyone was out cold, I found my street clothes, changed, and left via horseback. Once I got to town, I used a pay phone and called the FBI to inform them that Umberto had an arsenal of weapons, and that he was known to make comments such as "I am the messiah, and I am going to take over the world." No, he did not really say that and there were no weapons, but I wanted to get that lying SOB back.

I am currently riding in my newly acquired school bus, typing this on a laptop that I bought. I hired a driver named Frank. He is the owner of the junkyard I bought the bus from. He is driving me to the airport, I told him that he could keep the bus once we get there. Frank is a good guy, he isn't asking any questions, even when I asked him about getting a private plane to fly me to where I need to go. I think the heat has died down in the neighborhood, so, I am going to fly home, and check on my mom and brother. After paying the private pilot I should have about $40,000 left. After visiting my family, I am going to fly to Alaska, and set a beacon up for the mothership.

I can't wait to go the the local deli and get some head cheese! Pray for my soul. Love, Larry

7/16/04

It feels really weird to be back at the apartment I once called home. On one hand, it feels natural, since I once spent so much time here. On the other hand, because I have been on the run for so long, I have this lingering sense of paranoia, like I shouldn’t be here.

My brother and I met at the airport. As he drove me to the apartment, he said “good to see you back. How long are you staying?” “Oh, about three weeks or so. I have a job offer in Alaska, and it looks good.”

I was glad for the easy opening. No questions about where I had been or what I had been doing. The rest of the conversation was spent on why I would want to move to a frigid, isolated place like Alaska. “All that cold,” my brother kept repeating. “It will kill your brain cells.”

The next day, I spoke with Ivar for a while. He was surprised to see me again. He mercifully did not ask where I’ve been, what I’ve been up to, or why I am not in drag like I was last time we met. Instead, he just asked a simple question which I could answer easily: “the usual?” My enthusiastic reply was yes.

My next stop was mom’s house. On the way, I enjoyed the simple pleasure of a head cheese sandwich. I realized that one of the main reasons I was put on this earth was to enjoy head cheese sandwiches.

When I arrived at my mom’s house, she seemed only vaguely aware that I had been gone in the first place, and asked me how my girlfriend “That one, you know, Chanelle, or was it Chelle or Mary or Melinda?” was doing. There was only ever one woman in my life. Michelle. “She found another guy,” I said. She never noticed what was right there. I sighed at the firm denial of what could have been. “Well, she doesn’t know what she’s missing, honey.” “Thanks, mom,” I said, thinking, “Damn straight.”

I was amazed to find my fridge was still in the apartment. I thought it would have been seized. There was a clear plastic container with something fuzzy inside. I picked it up and looked at it from a variety of angles, wondering what the mold covered, before realizing that it was a container of leftover mold. Is it possible for leftover mold to go bad? I think if anything, it could only get better. I made a note to myself to get a small plastic bottle for the mold, to bring with me on the journey.

I have been poring over these books on experimental circuit design and some other books I got at the library. Most of them had to be sent from other libraries and took a while to get here, but it was well worth the wait and the small fee to get them. I have been practicing my astral projection and lucid dreaming. I have been tuning the radio to static, and translating the codes I hear amid the chaos. I think that soon this design will come together. Already, I can see the Goddess, reaching her hand out to me, communicating to me through the life of every cell in my body.

Infinity of worlds
unfolding in every atom
of exploding sound, crackling
beneath my consciousness, like dry leaves
crackling underfoot. A rush of winds screams past
my ears shuddering with the infrasonic sequence of waves
like the undulations of ripe pleasure that pass through my body
when I eat a head cheese sandwich…
this is the voice of the goddess.
The pulse of the universe.


Maybe we will meet again.

[slurpeedemon]

Dammit. I want a cheeseburger and all I have is pennies.

[Klynne]

August 6th, 2004

Wow, just read my last entry. It was quite trite, and I apologize. I don't even remember writing it. When I was decoding the radio static, the message I received was to ingest some of the mold that was in my refrigerator, so I did. At any rate, I ended up with a case of the munchies. I was able to scrape up 99 pennies, and I remember walking into Wendy's, but the rest is a blur. I woke up the next day, smelling like french fries, with a dull throbbing in my temples, and a hot naked girl sleeping next to me.

I thought to myself "God, what have I done now?" Well there was only one way to get to the bottom of that mystery. I turned on the morning news, and sure enough, I am in the middle of a controversy once again.

According to the video footage, I walked into Wendy's and demanded a Big Mac. The girl taking my order kindly explained that I was in Wendy's and that Big Macs were not available. I stuck my hand in my jacket pocket, so it looked like I had a gun, I jumped over the counter, and told her that any fool could make a Big Mac, and I demanded that she take me to the kitchen. I told all of the staff, that they could leave if they did not want to be shot, so they willingly left. They were all high fiving each other. One young man can be heard and seen on the video footage (shvt I did not know they had security cameras by the grills, but I guess I did not know much of anything that night) saying "Fvck, finally a night off."

They left, and I can be viewed making a Big Mac. I improvised, I am good at that. The cashier I was holding hostage took a bite, and proclaimed that my burger was awesome. We then closed the joint early and left. She is with me now as we head to Alaska. She said that she would rather go to Alaska then go back to that hell hole otherwise known as Wendy's.

At any rate, at the end of the news story, they interviewed some of the employees. One of them said, "He is a hero, I can't tell you the last time I was let out of work early. I went to a club, picked up this girl, and got laid for the first time in six years."

The store manager stated that he is trying to find me so he can duplicate my Big Mac recipe.

The police stated that I am a nuisance to society, and put out an APB on me.

At any rate, that mold is some potent stuff. It should be able to aide me in my quest to make the beacon for the mothership. It opens up my mind to everything that is possible in the universe. More later, love, Larry.

p.s. pray for my soul

08/08/04

I am writing this from a hotel room. All those hours on the road really wear me out. Yeah, I decided to drive instead of flying. It just felt right, and also wrong, in all the right ways. I will need to save up my cash to pay for the chip design. The girl is in the shower right now. I can’t believe she agreed to go with me. Working at Wendy’s must have really sucked!

I had this thought a while ago. About my quest. Maybe it is kind of selfish. Other people should get to commune with the mothership, too. So I was thinking I should start a church. The problem with that is that I want to blend in with the mothership, and starting a church will take all kinds of time and stuff. Maybe this girl will do it for me. If I impregnate her, her offspring would be heirs to the prophecy, and would thus be prophets of the mothership. I would be easier to worship as a bringer of truth were I not present.

She is getting out of the shower. Gotta run

[madasacutsnake]

This will be a short entry because it is uncomfortable to sit for long periods.

Turns out the girl from Wendy's was meat and two veg. And he had found the leftover Viagra from the compound.

So anyway, after I got back from buying a rubber ring to sit on, the shemale was gone. I asked after him at reception but they said that he climbed into a truck with a couple of big mexican fellows and that was enough for me. I was a bit disappointed at first but then my thoughts turned to Alaska and the mothership.

I decided that in lieu of the APB, I should probably try and head out of the country. I faxed the Business Machine Repair Centre (BuMReC) in Fairbanks and let them know that I would not be coming as arranged. They were reasonably professional about it and said that they agreed that it was an unusual circumstance, but that they there at BuMReC had heard worse excuses. Nice really. I've saved the fax and I'm going to put it in my CV.

I've counted my money. After paying for the motel room and rubber ring, I have $49,968.98.

[madasacutsnake]

I took the last of the pills from the compound but all they did was give me a raging stonk on then make me pass out. When I woke up I found I had had sex with the fridge seal and the motel manager was demanding I pay for a new fridge. I told him I didn't have any money and he threw me out.

I decided to just drive wherever the road took me, as long as it took me toward the mothership. I had had enough of this fly by night lifestyle that has become the world of Larry Dumbo. If the cops caught me, I didn't care, I just wanted it to be over, one way or another.

Suddenly, Jefferson Starship came on the radio. I knew it was a sign! After that they played Walk like an Egyptian. I knew that was a sign too, so I immediately stopped the car and walked around like an egyptian. I felt refreshed after that and looked forward in anticipation to being amongst other superior beings.

I started the car again - I seemed to be on an interstate highway but it was dead straight and oddly, heading straight toward the setting sun. I felt strangely alone yet as one with the cosmos. Suddenly I knew, as surely as I know my name is Larry Dumbo, that the mothership was behind the sun! I was so thrilled with this revelation that I called out loud "Wait for me, I'm coming, I'm coming!" and I even hit the speed limit as I floored it toward the great star.

Then it happened.

Like the six horse riders of the Apocolypse, only slower and not as horse-like, (and there was only one) the mothership appeared from behind the glorious golden orb. She was all and more, I had ever imagined. I cried. I stood on the bonnet and cried and waved. And cried some more.

It was all worth it. Michelle. Head cheese. Bruce. Umberto. Even Raul and Julio. All of them and the lessons they had taught me had led me here just as the mothership foretold they would.

I raised my arms toward her and watched her come closer and closer. I called out "Great silver cigarette in the sky! Oh promised land, I am yours!" She was directly overhead when the great doors of her underbelly groaned open. I prepared myself to be beamed into her wonderous motherbelly. I said a small prayer of thanksgiving and bid adieu to the world as I knew it.

I looked up just in time to see an arsenal of weaponry loaded, locked, and cocked. At me.

A huge booming, echoey voice rang down and out; "Laaaaarrry Duuumboooooo?!" I knew it was the very voice of the Mothership.

"It is I, Larry Dumbo, the Chosen One", I answered joyfully. Well, I would have but I didn't get past "the". The rest was drowned out by the hail of automatic gunfire. At first, I thought I heard the Mothership say "Kill the little mofo!" but I know I must have been mistaken.

I've thought about this a lot and now I'm sure that she said "He has excellent mojo!".

[Coffee]

Of course I was stunned when the mother ship opened fire on me. I was rooted to the spot on the bonnet. I don't know why I'm calling the car hood a bonnet all of a sudden...I wonder if I fell asleep while watching an Australian program on the Discovery channel last night at the hotel...but I digress...
I realize now that the mother ship was either testing my resolve or else they have really screwy technology priortities on the Mother planet. Here they make ships capable of crossing the vast dark reaches of interstellar space and yet they make bullets out of styrofoam pellets. Perhaps styrofoam is a deadly poison to the Mother race...perhaps they just wanted to test my courage. Well frankly I crapped my pants when the guns opened fire and was rooted to the spot unable to run or dodge the hail of "bullets"/"styro-peanuts". After what seemed like a half hour barrage from the mother ship I was virtually buried in pellets, but it was probably no more than 30 seconds to a minute before the barrage stopped, at which point the mother ship closed it's doors and flew off towards who knows where...somewhere to the south. I thought I heard the mother ship say "Holy Betelguese these *untranslatable*s are tough". I believe that chance, perhaps fate and certainly shock, allowed I, Larry Dumbo to impress the Mother Race with a feat of extreme courage thereby proved that I am in fact the Chosen One. I believe they want me to continue to remain here till I can create progeny to carry on the Mother race religion. But one day I shall be taken to *untranslatable* to represent the very finest of the creatures of our planet Earth.
Unfortunatley the state troopers that came onto the scene shortly thereafter were not impressed with the millions of styro pellets all over the road and road side and told me to pick it all up or go straight to jail. Remembering a trick I learned as an adolescent, I took a bucket out of my trunk, (or is it a boot...gaah i'm confused...must be lingering effects of the drugs) and put an ounce or two of gasoline in it and proceeded to dump pellets into the bucket. The pellets disolved into a green goopy and very flamable gelatinous mess and I was able to remove all of the pellets from the road. Then the troopers arrested me for making napalm without a license and hauled me off to the local jail where I am currently writing this while my bail arrangements are processing. I'm just thankful I didn't get a littering ticket...I would hate to have that on my record.

The jailers are coming back...More later when I get back on the road.

[madasacutsnake]

Sept. 4th

I'm looking out the cell window and now I see clearly that the troopers' cars have hoods and trunks. Not bonnets and boots. Curiouser and curiouser.

I'm bored so I have set up my fax machine and have faxed BuMRec and let them know about the new car part names. I thought that they would be very interested.

[joppa.gal]

Sept 5th 3:00 AM

I awoke in the night with the sound of a squeak and a thud. A rat had found the Viagra stash, taken a bite, stiffenned solidly, and crashed to the floor. I used it's teeth to saw out of the jailbars, combed my hair with the little claws, and picked the mate's lock next to me with the rat's tail."Hobo espanol?" I asked the swarthy man, diligently crafting my speech. He punched me in the mouth and took my rat. The world swirled black.

I awoke with a string of drool from my lips to the floor.

[Coffee]

Sept 5th 8:57 PM

I'm sending this message via email from a Motel 6 about a 14 hr drive south of the jail. I'm really really tired from all the driving today so I'll keep this short before I head to sleep.

After pulling myself off of the jail floor I noticed a tall thin man with pointy ears intently studying a beeping and flashing device slung around his neck.
I asked him if his box could send a fax for me. But he just raised an eyebrow at me and said "Sir, I regret that this device will not perform that particuar function. Please do not disturb me as I am very busy trying to fix a host of fictional threads that have somehow manifested themselves into reality" "I apologize for intruding into your thread space, but the Do Not Reply Thread where I had been operating has gone innactive and I simply must complete my mission or the entire fabric of reality might come unwoven releasing all manner of dangerous fictional elements into normal reality...excuse me as I return to my work". He returned to his work.
Although my idetic memory, which I seem to have gained after the mothership blasted me with styro pellets, allowed me to quote verbatim what the pointy ear guy said, I have no clue what he meant. I left him alone and left the police station. No one was in the offices outside the jail so I was able to just walk out. Curiouser and curiouser. My car was in the impound lot and fortunately the keys were in the ignition. I headed in the direction I think the Mothership went hoping to catch up to it. More later after I sleep for a bit. I think I'll just have a drink from the no host bar here in the room before I go to sleep. Cheers.

[joppa.gal]

Curiouser and curiouser. As I opened the no host bar in my room, it was a purple padded portal into a large, winding tunnel- kind of like the inside of an umbilical cord- I should know as I have a doctorate in Fetal Studies. Lights blinked on and off through the thin pink membrane and I couldn't help but enter into what I hoped was a passageway for the Mothership. A cool, deep woman's voice breathed unintelligible vernacular about my ears- but muffled, as if covered by a thick blanket. I reached my hand out and touched the wall of my confinement- heat pulsed from the purple threads running deep within the translucence.

I breathed deeply the moist air and stepped ever faster, the throbbing of the air around me and the woman's voice matching the tambre of my heartbeat. Ships often buzzed my tunnel, blinding me with light through the thinner areas of the membrane wall.

I saw a message tattooed further along the way on my right. I stretched the wall thin as to make out the message, and waited for a ship to pass so I could be equipped with enough light.

*Shirley Maclaine was Here*

I saw a large basin and jumped in- there was a light coming from cracks of dried floor-like material. I guess the light had caused the membrane to age, I thought as I looked up toward the ceiling. Where the light hit, the pink had tuned to grey ash.

I dug my fingernails into the cracked floor and started to peel towards the light.

That was two hours ago. When I could see.

[Klynne]

September 23, 2004

My memory of the past few days is gone. So, today I spent most of my time drinking complimentary coffee in the lounge of the Motel Six reading the events of the past few days. Wow, inhaling all that napalm really messed me up. It appears that I have been halucinating or having wild dreams. It is time to move on. I received a fax from the mothership today. It said "Get Away, Take an Alaskan Cruise." Today I purchased tickets.