Terrible Twos

[ally]

Ok, need advice here!!! Ok, so as many of you know I've been at uni for the past three months & Leo (now 2 & a half) has been goin to a childminder's, I've only really been spending time with him on weekends. Now I'm on holiday & I've got him with me all the time I'm finding it realy difficult to keep my temper. I don't knw what's happened to us both over the past three months but I feel we've both changed tons. I'm trying my best to do 'interesting' stuff with him, like make cookies & xmas decorations, but he's a bit young for things like that & ends up making more of a mess than anything else. he's constantly saying NO to everything i say & he's doing stuff he knows he's not allowed to do, while looking me straigh in the eyes. I've lost my patience a few times now & smacked him (the one thing I never wanted to do as I've always really resented my own mum for doing this to me as a kid) & now he's taken to hitting me, even when we're having fun. Arghhh, do all kids go throught this stage (how long does it usually last) & does anyone know any good techniques for staying calm?

[Aphrodite]

It is going to be a tough thread with all kinds of advice. Be prepared for parenting battles.

Here's my advice.
I don't hit. I didn't hit.
I'd say NO! with that 'look' in my eye.
I'd say NO to what they were doing, and then redirect them with something they could do.
Here is an example. He climbs on a chair and you think he'll fall.
"NO climbing up!" And he does it again.
"No climbing up!" remove the chair.
He brings the chair back.
"No climbing on the chair!" You move what he wants to see to a lower height and tell him to sit on the chair. Tell him you will show him if he sits nice. He will either be satisfied or stand up on it again.
If he stands again.
Chair put away and whatever you were doing together stops. A natural consequence and a lesson being learned.
Tell him that you will start again if he will sit nice in the chair.
If he tosses himself on the ground or has a temper tantrum, you take him to his room. He is two so a 'time out' should be for about five minutes. You can stay with him or let him explore his room or whatever. Either way, he is not standing on the chair. After five minutes you can offer him to start again if he will sit in the chair.
Repeat as necessary.
Remember it is how you teach a very small child, that will decide how he will treat you when he is a bigger than you teen. No talking back. No brute strength. No swearing or name calling.
Or worse. When you have forced your rules on a young one they learn to force their rules on others. You don't want an angry 16 year old man, telling you that they ARE going to do what they want because you have lost your position of superior strength.

I have lots more of these tips.
My kids always pushed the buggy in the store. Even when they couldn't see around it. They got to push it until they bumped anything three times.
My kids learned by age 3 that if they asked for anything while shopping, they guaranteed they wouldn't get anything, but if they didn't ask, I might buy them something.
I left a buggy of groceries once because I said, "Do that one more time and we are leaving" They did and we left. They cried all the way to the car. They never did it again. ( and they never forgot).
Be consistent and NEVER make a threat you won't follow through.

[daverbee]

You might want to talk to him about why you had to be away from him for so long. Could be that he resents the fact that you were gone and he was allowed to do things he didn't do when you were around.
Not having kids I can't pretend to give advice on this matter but that would seem one avenue to explore.
Good luck!

[red]

i-yi-yi
I wish I could extend advice, but D has been the one reading all the books. Of course then it's just advice from a book. real life advice is usually better.
Best of luck to you Ally my dear.

[ally]

Thanks Aphro, that sounds like pretty good advice to me I'll give it a shot. I've tried giving him a time out in his room, but he crys for all of ten seconds & then starts playing quite happily & even when I open the door a few mins later, he's not interested in coming out, gah, some punishment!
I'm totaly against hitting, but there are times when he pushes the limit so far that i just snap, but then I feel really bad about it & hug him, so he probably forgetsthat Iwas mad at him.
Daver, I've tried to explain things a bit to him, but most of it doens't mean anything to him (like WTF is uni mum?), the first few w/e's we spent together he made me understand he wasn' t happy about me leaving him with Bibi (the childminder) but I did manage to explain that it wasn't a long term thing, that Bibi was a very nice person & that I would always pick him up again in the evenings (or that granny or Daddy would if I couldn't).
Anyway, the rest of this morning was ok, I took him out for a LONG walk & play to tire him out, then he asked to make pancakes which we did & now he's having a nap, so long as I keep him occupied all the time with things he enjoys it's all ok, but I've got to get on with things too (like now *cough*) & I don't know how to get the message accross that he sometimes has to amuse himself, with his own toys & books next to me. Or am I being unreasonable in expecting this of a small child? Do they really need our full attention every second they are awake, it wasn't like this 'before'.

[bealeblues]

for the most part, lil'beale never went through a stage where she wanted to get into stuff or the typical 'terrible twos'-- but when she would act out, i'd jump in quickly and let her know she was not to do whatever it was she was doing. then if she had to be punished, i would not give in and let her off the hook. she found out quickly that her actions had consequences and i would not budge an inch, no matter how much she whimpered and acted pitiful and no matter how much it upset me to see her upset. now she's pretty much a perfect kid.

[Audreyvgs]

what aph and beale said. say what you mean and mean what you say. You de boss.

[sparticle]

What aph, beale and Aud said.

Boy, how's THAT for helpful?

Seriously, though. He will push you and try you. It's actually kind of a compliment -- they reserve the really devilish behavior for those with whom they feel the most secure. If he wwas insecure or afraid of you, he'd behave for you but he'd probably be in big trouble in other areas.

Don't be afraid to pull the plug on whatever he's doing (especially if it's something he enjoys) and take him to another room for an isolated time out. Make it clear that you're not going to tolerate the undesirable behavior and that when he is ready to behave reasonably, he may come back and resume the fun.

Spanking is a last resort, one I reserved for situations where there was danger involved (hot stoves, running into the street, etc.) . Otherwise, it loses its impact, and, as Aphro said, the older he gets the less useful it will be and you will end up with a lot of anger between you (and problems that can't be solved, since hitting is the last resort and it's stopped working).

Good luck; he's at a very difficult age and it's practically his job to test you right now. Be firm and be consistent; sometimes it's no fun being consistent but you have to, because if you let them get away with something that's usually a no-no just because you're too tired to discipline them, they get a mixed message and are a lot more apt to act up if they think they can get away with it.

You're doing a fine job; keep up the good work. The fact that you'd even ask anybody for advice means you're doing a good job.

[ally]

Thank you guys, all you've said is usefull & reassuring.

I swear Leo has some kind of mystical subconcios link to everything I say on here, as soon as I'd posted that last one he decided to get some books out & sit & read on his own!! Bless. Ah well, I guess I'm just out of practice, I think getting back into a simelar roiutine as before (well structured days) should make things a bit easier.

[topcat]

you know my daughter really never got over the terrible twos and she is 18 now.

[sparticle]

Originally posted by topcat
you know my daughter really never got over the terrible twos and she is 18 now.

I hear ya; there are days I wish I could put the 19-year-old in his room and take his toys away.

[trisherina]

Ratlet has always been very attached to me and thus very demanding of my time. I went through a period very much like you are now, ally -- when a lot of the kid/parent activities that I had in mind seemed inappropriate for her age, and yet she was unwilling to amuse herself. So sometimes it seemed the days would just drag. A friend pointed out to me that the time you spend with them when they are very small lays the foundation for how you will treat each other when they are teens -- they really do remember some of that time you spent on the floor, at the playground... Also, remember, when kids are older, they do respect and admire some of the difficulties parents have. I run a weekly teen therapy group, and I'm always amazed at how much these kids (who try their parents no end) express admiration for mom and dad in their struggles, past and present.

Anyway, the advice about following through on limits is very important. If you set a consequence "We'll leave right now if you don't stop," be prepared to follow through on it, regardless of embarrassment or inconvenience. It usually only takes one really embarrassing or inconvenient incident for a kid to get the message -- and they'll push you until the message is given in clear block letters. So if Leo hits, set a consequence immediately: "No hitting. Hitting hurts! If you hit again, ____" A good consequence is taking away something he really wants to do or have, even if it annoys you intensely (most good consequences are also annoying for the parent ). In order that you can be seen as the Doler Out of All Things Good, plan things for you to do together:

- go to the library to check out picture books and videos for Leo
- go to a nearby swimming pool (yes, a pain, but it really wears the little buggers out)
- trip to the park (bring a ball so he can practice "catch")
- trip to the French equivalent of the dollar store with exactly two dollars and tax (enough for one thing for each of you)
- get Reader Rabbit Toddler and show Leo what you spend time doing at the computer (or at least the toddler analog) -- maybe he'll figure out how to use the mouse and have a grand time -- if you don't want to get Reader Rabbit Toddler, there are lots of cool Christmas sites like Northpole.com where the two of you can do cool things like ask one of Santa's elves questions.
- a non-messy alternative to finger paints: take two lengths of waxed paper, lay them on a countertop with Jello or choc pudding between them, and tape around the edges... Leo can make pictures by squishing.

I know you love Leo to distraction. Hugs to both of you!

[JesusTitties]

circumsize him

[Aphrodite]

Even if his time out results in him playing in his room. That is still alright.
He doesn't have to have a horrid time. He just has to be good.
Distractions are fine if you do it, (ie take away the knife he wants and give him a safe alternative bowl or something), but they are also ok if he does it himself. You take away the wrong he wants to do, he finds a new choice.

You put him in a time out for his tantrum, he stops the tantrum and finds something else to do. (tantrums are boring when no one is watching) Either way, distraction worked.

Kids learn consequences quickly.

[sparticle]

Originally posted by Aphrodite
(tantrums are boring when no one is watching)

No less so for adults!