Past Posts WORTH REPEATING...

[Magpie]

Motivated by Klynne's "Last year at this time" thread, I was browsing old posts here on the board and came across a truly remarkable post written by JT in the thread "Small ad self-description" (remember that one? ) I've re-posted it below.

Originally posted by Jesus Titties, 11-21-03
JesusTitties is the world's greatest lover. He injects testosterone directly into the shaft of his penis so that he can remain rigid and stimulated for dozens of hours without pause. He is a man with epicurean tastes, preferring to dine on truffles and caviar placed on a platinum inlaid serving tray that balances on the back of a woman he is balls deep in. He will drink champagne from the skull of a saint mid-coitus if it offers even a slim chance to provide him with a febrile hallucination akin to a religious vision.

JesusTitties buries cowboys up to their neck in the hard pan dirt of the desert and drives off laughing. He doesn't even care enough to watch them die.

JesusTitties will swerve to hit a cat, jump at the chance to throttle a dog, and volunteer his whole family to have their skin flayed as long as their tormentors promise to mail him a copy of the video. If it suits his mysterious master plan, JesusTitties will sit motionless for days on end. JesusTitties thinks DVDs are a fad, and he's right.

JesusTitties is your best friend. He will be there for you when the chips are down. He will spend long hours on the phone with your sobbing daughter and he doesn't even want to get into her pants. JesusTitties will read your eulogy and then set up a scholarship fund for troubled teens in your name. He will cry when he thinks about all you might have done with your life. He will write your obituary and leave out the time the two of you got drunk and dared each other to have sex with a sleeping cow.

JesusTitties is your worst enemy. He will gain your confidence and betray you at a critical moment. He will do anything it takes to get into your sobbing daughter's pants and he plans on taking pictures. JesusTitties will spit on your grave and steal your birth certificate to create a fake identity. He will laugh when he thinks about how he got away with murdering you. He will write anonymous letters to the editor that includes evidence proving you had sex with animals.

When hope is lost and things fall apart you will pray to God and JesusTitties will be there, snatching your prayers as they float into the ether like he's catching fish in the river of sorrow. He will unfold each prayer and carefully read it, then laugh and rain pestilence, famine, and war down upon us all. JesusTitties will be there when the world burns with a can of kerosene and a book of matches. JesusTitties enjoys miniature golf. Sexually.

JesusTitties has a promising career as a computer repair technician at Circuit City. JesusTitties manages a successful chain of donut stores in Malaysia, and he hates you for being fat. When he's sleeping JesusTitties is just like the rest of us, except his dreams can kill. JesusTitties is addicted to purchasing show ponies and he's not afraid to admit it.

JesusTitties thinks politicians are rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic. JesusTitties sunk the Titanic, but not the way you're thinking. JesusTitties` favorite band is "The Prodigy" and his favorite song is "Mindfields". When a tree falls in the forest JesusTitties is there, no matter what, to hear it fall. He can levitate at will but chooses to walk for the exercise.JesusTitties sends postcards to women reminding them to "check your ass for bugs".

JesusTitties predicted the last big Earthquake in Japan by looking at the surface of the moon through binoculars. If you ask him JesusTitties can tell you how long you have left to live, but only because he shoots everyone who asks him with a revolver as a joke. His favorite console is the Playstation 2 but he likes the Gamecube "okay" and thinks the Xbox's hard drive is "pretty neat". JesusTitties has not beaten a roleplaying game since "Bard's Tale II" but he got all A ratings in the first day of owning "Gran Turismo 3".


If you're frightened of dying, and you're holding on, you'll see devils tearing your life away. But, if you've made your peace, the devils are really JesusTitties, freeing you from the earth.

JesusTitties thinks Mexicans are stupid but does not consider himself a racist. Disco is not dead, at least not in JesusTitties` house it isn't. JesusTitties has forgotten more about martial arts than you will ever know. JesusTitties hosted a discussion panel with former prime minister Brian Mulruney and halfway through the proceedings hurled a tabletop through his chest. You can only see JesusTitties out of the corner of your eye. If you try to focus on him he dances out of sight like a hummingbird.

JesusTitties voted "yes" on proposition 80 because 80 is one of his favorite numbers. JesusTitties has journeyed to the center of the earth and befriended the blind cave gnomes that live there. JesusTitties has waged ceaseless war on hemlines. When it comes to abortion JesusTitties lives by the old adage "if there's grass on the field then play ball!"

Here are JesusTitties ` favorite things:

10. The entire TGIF lineup
9. The number nine.
8. Women's hats.
7. Boxed wine.
6. Those circular soft plastic combs.
5. TETSSSSUOOOO!!!
4. Windex.
3. KANADAAAAA!!!!
2. Photographs of chairs.
1. Transformers Beast Wars

JesusTitties does not smoke but likes to be around people who do. He is involved in a trademark infringement lawsuit with the actor who portrays Chairman Kaga on TV's "Iron Chef". JesusTitties once climbed to the top of Mount Hood and then took a nap. JesusTitties was married to the sea but grew jealous of the Kraken and filed for divorce citing irreconcilable differences. He wants you to fail.

JesusTitties thanks you for your contribution. He has lobbied long and hard to legalize shrink rays. There are few things in this world more comforting than a hug from JesusTitties and one of them is a kiss from JesusTitties. JesusTitties just installed spyware on your computer to monitor your web browsing habits. JesusTitties is giving away free lobsters again.

Close your eyes and imagine a place far away from the tumult of the world around you. Travel deep inside yourself to this place, a quiet refuge that only you know about. Concentrate on every detail of this place. The way the air smells, the temperature, the feel of the floor beneath your feet. JesusTitties knows about this place, and it's on a short list of things he plans to set fire to.

JesusTitties is the Alpha and the Omega, the first and the last, the beginning and the end.

So now you know who I am, and can quit asking questions about who is JesusTitties . Im in Asia until January, now. JesusTitties hates Asia.
Last edited by JesusTitties on 11-21-2003 at 09:27 PM

[joppa.gal]

I know this man. He levitates around here wreaking havok every now and then when he is not in Asia.

I keep my bibles locked up so he cannot draw men's private parts in them.

[zero]

Originally posted by fodder
fix the thread back.

[sparticle]

Originally posted by Magpie
]Originally posted by Jesus Titties, 11-21-03
JesusTitties is .....

This...this is a man...I could get to know. We don't meet many of Our Kind of People around here, but I daresay Jeez would fit right in. I'm just sorry I didn't know all this about him before I made out my Christmas list. Maybe there's time to add one.

[rmr]

Originally posted by fodder
my kids are going to become my slaves

also an excuse for when i try to get free stuff from the store

edit: also i will trick them into reading all of my books by banning my bookshelves

[Frieda]

[Gatsby]

*bump*

'Cause I love that post by JT.