Quick Feedback Appreciated...

[beckstra]

I'm writing a script right now and I'd like to know if this is too much, too contrived, or too confusing...well, really I'd just like some quick feedback. By the way, it's supposed to be a dramedy. And it isn't meant to hurt anyone. It has a context.



JENNIFER
Have you ever thought about dying? About how you’ll go, or what’ll happen to everyone afterward?

SARAH (beat)
Well, other than dying from the pressure of having a militant lesbian mother who disapproves of my bisexual nature, no.
(EVAN scoffs)
What? You don’t believe me? The last time I brought a guy to the house, she nearly ‘misogynist propagandized’ me to death. Seriously, her new little group of friends are totally screwing with my ability to ‘get my game on.’
(to JENNIFER)
Hell, the last time I brought you home, they accused me of living in some unrequited fantasy. It’s like my headstone has written itself: “Here lies Sarah Willoughby, smothered to death by the very canal through which she was brought to life.”

Everyone groans.

EVAN
Sick.


Also, feel free to ask for feedback on this thread as well. I'm game to give it.