The BLF Game

[Penut]

The kettle started whistling like a really annoying fat person with a whistle at a football match who is sitting in the row behind u with a super size coke and Subway coverd in HP sauce and he keeps blowing the whistle in your ear everytime nothing happens till u get really ticked off and belt him with your leather belt untill he is bleeding and raw and u take his whistle and shuv it down his gob but then everytime he breath its makes a whistling noise so u go home and throw ureself off the 10th floor balcony an u make a whistling sound as u fall down to the ground.

[Brynn]

Thank you all for your hilarious entries - a truly awful round.

First, and therefore most importantly, 12" Razormix and Marcus Bales are tied for

Dishonorable Mention

and each win several awards within that award, the most important and prestigious of which is the Quadruple Golden Proficiency in Proliferation in Literature Prolificacy Award for each and every one of the 4 entries each contestant entered. As to the numerous awards these impressively versatile entries garnered, two are especially worthy of note:

12" Razormix: The November Rain On The Golden Hammer of Indifference Award in the Automotive Memoir and Harry Potter categories.

Marcus Bales: The Golden Gigged, Neon Scarred Amphibious Nun Award in what may very well be the same categories but the judge is not entirely sure.
These awards speak for themselves. We stand in awed, respectful silence.

Penut wins The Golden 21st Cent If U Cn Rd Ths U2 Hv a Fut In Similes Tht Tl An Unbrbly Lng Stry Awrd. Well done! RU gd w/ that?

Dinzdale is awarded The Golden Glowing Sticky Popsicle of Bukkake in the Erotica category. Extra personal points for making the judge laugh explosively and cover face at the same time, but lost actual BLF points for being too commercially viable.

Now we come to the trifecta of experts:

Trisherina and Funkytuba gave each other a run for their nonexistent award money in the

It's Just Plain Bad division.
It's worth pointing out that historically both of these contestants have shown consistent excellence in this particularly difficult category.

Trish wins the rare Golden Subtle Metaphor That Almost Isn't (Then Soars Terribly Off-Course) Disappearing Wing of Destiny. A truly acrobatic feat that warrants a pillow, a free cocktail and an extra bag of toffee peanuts in addition to this large, unattractive but mostly invisible statuette.

Funky wins The Golden Twisted Tongue of Inanity for being the most screechingly difficult, tediously unrewarding but amusing sentence to stop and start through in the course of the act of reading. Extra pseudo-pretension points for shamelessly invoking Steinbeck.

However, Coffee again proves his maxim that cheeses do indeed save and glides easily to the worn elegance of velvety victory to brandish aloft






The Grand Golden Diamond Award
For The Most Disheartening Pile of Cr^p Ever To Cause Dried-Up Smelly Fishbait to Come to Life Again In Order to Crawl Nervously Away .
Read this seductive passage aloud for maximum impact:

"It was an icy still winter night, whose cold colorless jewels adorned the crisp evening as many ancient diamonds might drape a venerable and wizened widow wrapped in folds of heavy blackest velvet, which seemed to mourn the passing of her bright golden lover whose mellow warmth once gave rise to young bright life in the dark forgoten folds of her now cold and silver white shrouded valleys."

Congratulations. Please establish your most capricious rules for the next round.

[Coffee]

Thank you thank you, im sure...i think...

Regardless...ahem, i "think" I'd like to see innuendo, used in a Sci-Fi motif, Heinlein or 40's Buck Rogers era especially...however your results will determine if I will regret that idea.

Give me your worst space hero/ess pimply pawed paper back opening liners.

[trisherina]

Stately, plump Zapp Brannigan came from the docking ramp, bearing a bowl of protoplasm on which a mirror and a raygun lay crossed.

[trisherina]

Sorry, I just had to get that out of my system. I'll try for a Heinleinesque juvenile with a dash of Huxley.

Young Canaveral was distracted from his rhythmic granola crunching in time to Musica Universalis by the somewhat startling sight of his second cousin Lucinda, with cascading red hair and pneumatic curves, in the doorway of the breakfast room with nothing on save a space suit helmet and a brilliant smile.

[funkytuba]

As Cassidy Tsukiko cleared the light coating of greeting gel from his face which had just emitted from the squattish alien sitting before him resembling a teddy bear in all respects excepting the amount of hair involved, he remarked to his friend Aini "Customs sure are different here on New New South Jersey."

[Marcus Bales]

In spite of the two suns, the sky was the color of a smear of week-old protein paste, and the wind challenged Moffit's suit heaters, even protected fom its full force by the curve of the space-pitted surtitanium hull of the Arcturian Leopard, as he broke three regulations at once by double-stepping down the exit ladder facing outboard from the ship, and with his hand on the butt, and the safety off, of his sidearm.