compulsion

[auntie aubrey]

Originally Posted by trisherina

I had about a solid year of full blown OCD at around the end of elementary school. It resolved spontaneously when the rituals grew to take too much of my day, and one night I was unable to stay awake to complete them all. The next day, it was easier not to do them all, and in the fashion of systematic desensitization, it grew easier and easier not to do them over time until they have all been virtually eliminated. It took a very long time, a couple of decades.

i have another theory that all human beings teeter on the brink of true OCD at some point during adolescence (as opposed to the quasi-OCD of the sort included throughout this thread).

when i was around 11 or 12 i developed a few weird tendencies. if i turned around to look at something i ALWAYS had to turn back around the same way. if i turned a full circle i felt uncomfortable in my skin until i rotated back around to my original starting point. it felt like turning around had pushed me through a thin membrane into a parallel perspective. i still think about that in the shower if i turn to grab the razor or shampoo or something. i don't entertain the compulsion anymore, but i think about the time when i did.

i also used to have to repeat actions. always in pairs. sometimes multiples of pairs but it would get exponential fast. like if i tapped my finger three times, i would want to do it three more times to pair up the set. then i might want to pair up the paired set and get to twelve. i would do this with blinking sometimes, too. i would want to blink twice in a row with the exact same weight of reflex and muscular contraction.

generally this struck when it was a combination of actions. it wouldn't just be the finger tap, it would be if i tapped my finger just as i bumped my elbow or something. then it would become a compulsion to exactly repeat the combination. like the turn-to-look factor. if i turned to look at something and i happened to blink or inhale or whathaveyou right at that moment, i would need to repeat the action exactly as i did the first time, to recapture that exact experience.

i remember becoming aware of it one day when my mom was in the basement, calling up the stairs to me, and i approached the doorway from the right, to catch sight of the side of her face beyond the door jamb. i remember rocking back and forth on my feet to replicate the movement of her face into my field of vision. suddenly she gave me a funny look and said, "what are you doing?"

then it struck me that i was doing very weird things and i weaned myself off of the behaviors.