figure of speech

[auntie aubrey]

i was just sitting here remembering some of the hairbrained figures of speech my mother used to use. my two favorites are as follows:

"like a cow pissing on a flat rock"
this is a very specific description of a particular type of rain. if you imagine the described phenomenon, you'll probably recognize the type of rainstorm concerned.

"funnier than a rubber crutch"
the way in which this one was used led me to believe that, apparently, there is no higher form of humor than watching an invalid struggling with an undependable and dangerous substitution for valid medical equipment. it struck me as oddly cruel and bizarre as a standard of humor.

please share your colorful and/or odd figures of speech, real or imagined. in-depth analysis optional.