Where we leave messages for people not on this board - ZEFRANK.COM

Brynn · 10-05-2009, 03:29 PM

It's nice of you to respond, Mo. I think I've got it almost out of my system. I wouldn't want it to happen to my sons either.
How do we "change the world?" I can only change myself.

Atticus the Cute but Territorial Dog is in a better place, and this week, the transformation in our elderly golden retriever is amazing. She's jumping and wagging like a puppy again. I'm thrilled that her final years will be so much happier. So in a practical sense, the world has been changed for the better for both of them. And all dogs deserve that, even the scrappy ones.

The lesson I've learned out of all of this is that deflecting unkindness is a patient art that I need more schooling in. It's something that the people who are left on this message board (who actually post) are really, really good at. I get to hang out with The Buddha here.

What I am learning slowly here is that I myself can only transform someone else's unkindness by not receiving it, and changing the subject, or by backing out of the room this person is in entirely. Also, I need to know someone's entire story before I arrogantly take on the business of instantly judging them.

If you observe unkindness in your friends in the way they talk about others, don't be surprised when the darkness within them lands on you.

If they don't have the confidence to sit in front of you, look you in the eye and directly communicate their differences with you, opting instead to pull this kind of hurtful, back-stabbing, passive-aggressive crap - well, I've needed to understand that this was never a friendship, and not grieve the loss of it. After 15 years, I'm no closer to understanding this guy than I ever was. Time to back out of the room, and lock the door behind me. I get to graduate to better, gentler teachers.

I've confronted him several times directly on some of the hateful things he's said, but remained friends, not understanding that he hated himself - and me - as much as all the other "morons" "idiots" and "hypocrites" that he constantly complained about. Now I've been added to his list as a "dog abuser/neglecter" in spite of the fact that the dog was fed, walked, cuddled, reassured, swabbed, and worried about a lot when we couldn't find solutions for him this summer.

It's a big basic lesson that I myself haven't absorbed. If it feels good to put others down, or even listen to it, then I need to look at my own self-loathing.

A wonderful girlfriend of mine struggles with personal disability issues every day, and never ever complains about the pain. Instead, she works hard in her career to improve accessibility for the handicapped. She's a grateful, graceful person. She's also very good at deflecting negativity - like a lot of people here on this board. I told her once that I've really loved meeting her friends - they're all so fun to hang with, and easy to be myself with - I don't have to walk on pins and needles.
She paused and said very gently "I made a decision a while back. I finally said that, from now on, all my friends have to be kind."

Thanks folks, for reading. I will try to vent a little less, criticize a little less, and leave a little more room for people to have the last word.

lukkucairi · 10-07-2009, 08:21 PM

what, you don't like pink?

lukkucairi · 10-08-2009, 11:02 AM

I will never approve of Fox News. Just so's you know. I don't even watch network news, and I can barely stand the Daily Show these days. Using the same inflammatory language on me that you hear on these shows isn't really helping to build a good relationship between us. Am I prejudiced? Really? Thanks, maybe I am a little prejudiced against people who do nothing but try to keep me fearful and angry.

YsaPur EsChomuw · 10-15-2009, 07:24 AM

Her opinion of you doesn't matter! I wish you would stop fretting about it. Your boss trusts you and that's the important thing, not what she says. Maybe if you forgave her and forgot about it you would feel better and at ease.

Have understanding, have peace.

lukkucairi · 10-27-2009, 12:41 AM

OK I give up, I just don't like you at all

trisherina · 10-27-2009, 09:55 AM

Oh? You mean that stuff where you guys sit around for hours doing non-productive chitchatter? You're calling that relationship building?

10-05-2009, 03:29 PM	#1
Brynn constantly amazed Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: in the labyrinth of shared happiness Posts: 6,206	It's nice of you to respond, Mo. I think I've got it almost out of my system. I wouldn't want it to happen to my sons either. How do we "change the world?" I can only change myself. Atticus the Cute but Territorial Dog is in a better place, and this week, the transformation in our elderly golden retriever is amazing. She's jumping and wagging like a puppy again. I'm thrilled that her final years will be so much happier. So in a practical sense, the world has been changed for the better for both of them. And all dogs deserve that, even the scrappy ones. The lesson I've learned out of all of this is that deflecting unkindness is a patient art that I need more schooling in. It's something that the people who are left on this message board (who actually post) are really, really good at. I get to hang out with The Buddha here. What I am learning slowly here is that I myself can only transform someone else's unkindness by not receiving it, and changing the subject, or by backing out of the room this person is in entirely. Also, I need to know someone's entire story before I arrogantly take on the business of instantly judging them. If you observe unkindness in your friends in the way they talk about others, don't be surprised when the darkness within them lands on you. If they don't have the confidence to sit in front of you, look you in the eye and directly communicate their differences with you, opting instead to pull this kind of hurtful, back-stabbing, passive-aggressive crap - well, I've needed to understand that this was never a friendship, and not grieve the loss of it. After 15 years, I'm no closer to understanding this guy than I ever was. Time to back out of the room, and lock the door behind me. I get to graduate to better, gentler teachers. I've confronted him several times directly on some of the hateful things he's said, but remained friends, not understanding that he hated himself - and me - as much as all the other "morons" "idiots" and "hypocrites" that he constantly complained about. Now I've been added to his list as a "dog abuser/neglecter" in spite of the fact that the dog was fed, walked, cuddled, reassured, swabbed, and worried about a lot when we couldn't find solutions for him this summer. It's a big basic lesson that I myself haven't absorbed. If it feels good to put others down, or even listen to it, then I need to look at my own self-loathing. A wonderful girlfriend of mine struggles with personal disability issues every day, and never ever complains about the pain. Instead, she works hard in her career to improve accessibility for the handicapped. She's a grateful, graceful person. She's also very good at deflecting negativity - like a lot of people here on this board. I told her once that I've really loved meeting her friends - they're all so fun to hang with, and easy to be myself with - I don't have to walk on pins and needles. She paused and said very gently "I made a decision a while back. I finally said that, from now on, all my friends have to be kind." Thanks folks, for reading. I will try to vent a little less, criticize a little less, and leave a little more room for people to have the last word. __________________ 1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles. 2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. 3. Your foot will change direction.

10-27-2009, 09:55 AM	#6
trisherina meretricious dilettante Join Date: Jan 2003 Posts: 11,068	Oh? You mean that stuff where you guys sit around for hours doing non-productive chitchatter? You're calling that relationship building? __________________ Because how we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives. -- Annie Dillard

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10-07-2009, 08:21 PM	#2
lukkucairi earth worker Join Date: May 2006 Location: on the planet Posts: 5,844	what, you don't like pink?

10-08-2009, 11:02 AM	#3
lukkucairi earth worker Join Date: May 2006 Location: on the planet Posts: 5,844	I will never approve of Fox News. Just so's you know. I don't even watch network news, and I can barely stand the Daily Show these days. Using the same inflammatory language on me that you hear on these shows isn't really helping to build a good relationship between us. Am I prejudiced? Really? Thanks, maybe I am a little prejudiced against people who do nothing but try to keep me fearful and angry.

10-15-2009, 07:24 AM	#4
YsaPur EsChomuw oi Join Date: Feb 2008 Posts: 5,208	Her opinion of you doesn't matter! I wish you would stop fretting about it. Your boss trusts you and that's the important thing, not what she says. Maybe if you forgave her and forgot about it you would feel better and at ease. Have understanding, have peace.

10-27-2009, 12:41 AM	#5
lukkucairi earth worker Join Date: May 2006 Location: on the planet Posts: 5,844	OK I give up, I just don't like you at all