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Old 02-23-2006, 03:35 AM   #1846
madasacutsnake
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cannedfish_25 (57 )

I recently sold a violin several days ago and went to post it today.

Since my mum was the one who bought the violin several years ago, at first I did run it by her, she was fine with it and I agreed to give her all the money I made from it.

However today she completely flipped and rufused to let me post it! She says she wants to keep it for 'future grandchildren'...since I'm only 18 that's a scary thought.

I realise that it is against eBay policy to refuse to sell an item at the completion of a listing, I just read up on it, but it's not like I was the person doing anything wrong...

What to do?! If anybody has been in a similar situation I'd love to hear from you.




johnw8343 (23 )

I can only think of two suggestions,

1, come out of the closet and tell your mum you are gay and there will be no grandchildren.

2, start playing again and after about 2 hours she is bound to tell you to get rid of it.
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Old 02-23-2006, 11:14 AM   #1847
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Old 02-23-2006, 06:29 PM   #1848
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1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.
3. Your foot will change direction.
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Old 02-24-2006, 02:31 AM   #1849
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Cheney goes ahead with plans for Folsom Prison concert.

Crank up the volume!!

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Old 02-24-2006, 01:03 PM   #1850
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i dont know how they kept a straight face
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Old 02-24-2006, 02:42 PM   #1851
Jack Flanders
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The audio was really bad but I recognize the *Sweaty Balls* sketch from SNL. I miss Jimmy Fallon - he would crack up and get the others giggling.
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Old 02-25-2006, 01:22 AM   #1852
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Old 02-26-2006, 04:16 AM   #1853
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^^ LOL!!

---

Last week's "Bad Reporter"...

Wed 2/22:


Fri 2/24:
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Old 02-27-2006, 01:38 AM   #1854
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"He'd be better off stuck in an elevator with a Rottweiler and a nuclear reactor"
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Old 03-01-2006, 01:32 AM   #1855
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Old 03-01-2006, 03:30 AM   #1856
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Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating. Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy!"

Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off and falls flat on his face.

"Shoite," he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again.

"Shoite, Shoite!" He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

"Bi'Jesus... I'm smashed," he says to himself. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No way." So he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

He says, "Dang it" and ultimately climbs into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"

Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was smashed. But how'd you know?"

"Mick phoned, . . You left your wheelchair at the pub."
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Old 03-02-2006, 02:58 AM   #1857
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No idea how old this is.....
Declaration of Revocation
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Old 03-02-2006, 11:51 AM   #1858
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Quote:
6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).

We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
words of wisdom!

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Old 03-02-2006, 02:04 PM   #1859
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(I know this should go in one of the religious debate threads, but...)

From this week's New Yorker:

--------

A MEMO FROM THE VATICAN
by PAUL RUDNICK
Issue of 2006-03-06
Posted 2006-02-27

From: His Holiness
To: All seminaries

Subject: While the Church approves of ordaining “transitory” homosexuals—that is, those men willing to take subways and buses rather than taxis—according to our most recent directive we “cannot admit to the priesthood those who practice homosexuality, present deeply rooted homosexual tendencies, or support the so-called ‘gay culture.’ ” The following questionnaire should be used to help identify and root out such truly committed homosexuals.

1. Jesus would have been a bad boyfriend because:
(a) He wasn’t gay or sexual in any way, so the question is disgusting.
(b) He would have cared about everyone, but not enough about you.
(c) He wasn’t really Jewish.

2. Priests traditionally wear black with a white collar because:
(a) The attire is simple and modest.
(b) It’s slimming.
(c) The matching quilted shoulder bag is what really makes the whole thing work.

3. Priests take a vow of poverty because:
(a) It’s selfless and humbling.
(b) It’s handy when the check comes.
(c) It makes their apartments feel larger.

4. Should Kate Moss be allowed to take Communion?

5. If there were a Fox series set in the Vatican, it should star:
(a) Wilfred Brimley, as a wise, compassionate Pontiff.
(b) Jennifer Love Hewitt, as a lovely and devout young nun who can talk to martyrs.
(c) Me and Heath. Period.

6. If you found yourself attracted to another priest, you would:
(a) Ask him to pray with you to battle the sinful urge, over drinks.
(b) Banish all such thoughts from your mind until you lose fifteen pounds.
(c) Ask him, “What’s black and white and wants your number?”

7. When you were watching “The Passion of the Christ,” did you ever think, It’s deeply moving and profoundly important, but it’s not “Chicago”?

8. God is:
(a) All-loving and all-forgiving.
(b) All-loving and all-forgiving, sometimes.
(c) All-loving and all-forgiving, unlike white spandex tank tops.

9. Do you believe that the Ten Commandments should apply to everyone except Dennis Quaid?

10. If a couple asked you to christen their baby with the name Tiffany, would you respond, “Why don’t we just call her You Big Trailer Park Whore?”?

11. Do you believe that the Church should get involved in the final round of “American Idol”?

12. If you were asked to counsel a young couple who were about to be married, would your first topic be “Everyday china”?

13. Whom would you recommend for sainthood?
(a) Mother Teresa.
(b) Mother Teresa’s less popular sister, Linda.
(c) Any of Mariah Carey’s personal assistants.

14. The phrase “Hate the sin but love the sinner” refers to:
(a) Homosexuals.
(b) Fried foods.
(c) Kelly Ripa.

15. Essay question: Why didn’t God just destroy Sodom and Gomorrah through overgentrification?

16. In the Gnostic Gospels, which apostle is referred to as “scrumptious”? (This is a trick question, because, no matter what Luke says, it’s not Mark.)

17. If your bishop asked you to take a vow of silence, what would your response be?
(a) Unquestioning obedience.
(b) To comically mime the words “Stop it!”
(c) To scribble on your notepad, “Fire!”

18. What is the difference between God and Oprah?
(a) None of God’s book is true.
(b) God didn’t create Dr. Phil.
(c) God still won’t do “Letterman.”
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Old 03-03-2006, 12:12 AM   #1860
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